This is the third post I’ve written today and I want a medal (alternate title – How to deal with trolls)

Yesterday someone asked me how to deal with trolls and haters. I have no damn idea. 

Trolls are just like you and me.  Only shittier.  Or more honest.  Or likely to murder gypsies.  Fuck, I don’t know.  I’m not a mind reader.  I don’t know the motivation of everyone reading your blog but what I do know is that in real life you come across assholes and weirdos and someone out there is selling computers to these people.  People like the guy who left me this comment:

“I was right, you aren’t that hot. Damn.”

I didn’t mind that some stranger thought I was un-hot but what was disconcerting was that in the photo the guy was referring to? I was seven.  And totally hot.

Or that comment I got on my I-invented-a-scooter/flame-thrower/cookie-warmer post which simply said:

“Your retarded.”

Holy shit, y’all.  “Your.”  This is a real fucking comment.  I laughed so hard I woke up the dog.  Who’s been dead for 4 years.  That’s not to say that it doesn’t suck when people write shitty things about you because it does.  Like recently I accidentally fell into a shitstorm and I was all “PEOPLE ARE WRITING HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME!” and my friend Karen was like “O-o-oh.  You mean the stupid people.  You’re supposed to ignore those people.  Because they’re stupid.”  And I did.  And it was fine.  But when it’s happening it’s not quite so easy to just ignore it and then you get sucked into the everyone hates me/I’m not popular/I never get any comments shame spiral and that’s why I created these cards for people who are dealing with this kind of crap:




Meh.  They’re not all gonna be winners. 

I guess what I’m saying is that trolls can actually be a good thing.  Yes, they’re evil but they’re also entertaining.  That’s why they’re in so many children’s books.  I mean, that Billy Goat Gruff story would be pretty boring if it was about a kindly old homeless dude under the bridge who gave out Jolly Ranchers and compliments to the billy goats.  I wouldn’t read it.  Look, I don’t know why trolls are the way they are.  Maybe they’re bullies who never grew up.  Maybe they were picked on in high school and think this will even the score.  Maybe they’re right and you actually are the anti-Christ.  I don’t know.  But what I do know is that in a way trolls are kinda good for everyone.  Except goats.

PS.  If you are still depressed about getting nasty comments you should email me and I will tell you that whoever is fucking with you is a lunatic.  And also you should watch this.  Because it’s awesome.

Comment of the day: You are totally hot in that picture. Pa would be able to put his hands around your tiny waist for sure (remember how in Little House on The Prairie Laura was ALWAYS FREAKING TALKING ABOUT HOW SMALL HER MOM’S WAIST WAS GET OVER IT ALREADY YOU ANOREXIC-WANNABE PRAIRIE PSYCHO?…. ahem. I have some unresolved issues there. Also I typed “Hose” instead of “House” and that was funny, because I am a 12-year-old boy.*) 

*not really. 12 or a boy, I mean. It was really funny ~ Superblondgirl

303 thoughts on “This is the third post I’ve written today and I want a medal (alternate title – How to deal with trolls)

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I now know that you can not assist me with trolls and haters. But, can you assist me in how to deal with lazy coworkers?

    I know you are not watching but either the wall behind McCain is changing colors or I am having a flashback.

    Jeremy Martin’s last blog post..Mental strangulation….

  2. I swear I’m gonna pinch two of those banners and send them to my own personal troll who finds endless ways to leave nasty comments on the blog, despite banning IP after IP.

    Trolls suck. So do mean people. Unfortunately I attract them like trailer parks attract those who need a better dental plan.

    Shit, that last sentence probably earned me some wicked-bad karma.

    Auds’s last blog post..A Different Kind of Angel

  3. (((((insert metal here))))))
    people are just haters because they don’t get a box of tranny bits from lgo.
    chuck help them all.

    britt’s last blog post..bitchfest!!

  4. I had some loser person ask me if I lived in a tent, I was all like weirded out for days because my kid sleeps in a tent and I was like whoa donkey the comment troll is also psychic or video taping my house and watching my kids and dogs and HOLY SHIT!

    insane mama’s last blog post..Sassy little liar

  5. I love the cards. I don’t have to deal with haters, but I think my delete finger would get all twitchy if I had to.

    Nic’s last blog post..Okay.

  6. ….and Amanda? Who is that person??

  7. Fuck trolls. They’re ugly and short.

    P.S. I really wish my sound would stop giving me shit. I can’t hear the video, but the facial expressions, nose scrunching, and eye widening were totally entertaining.)

    Wendy’s last blog post..More Glimpses of Tripp

  8. Maybe you should just stick a wand up their nose like Harry Potter did. That’ll show those trolls. Here’s a big piece of wood up nose. How do you like that!? And then you say, “incendio” and shoot fire at their brains. Then they’ll be sad and turn into zombies. Then what will you do, Jenny? What?

    Woodlandmama’s last blog post..Fun Monday 9/8/08

  9. Ok, so don’t take this wrong and I totally think you are so hot & funny, but seriously Jenny, that pic of you at 7…did you grow up on a “ranch” (er, commune) with one dad and 10 moms? Oh wait…my bad…if so, you would have been wearing all gray..definately not red!

  10. I came via twitter. I didn’t want you to feel like shit about yourself because nobody else was reading your post while John McCain was wheezing speaking. But my motto when it comes to politics is “Just because I’m uninformed doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to my opinion” and in order to stay true to my credo, I spend most of my time ignoring relevant political information. I’m sorry, what is this post about again? Oh, yeah, trolls. Haven’t had one yet but I did get called out in a comment (I think) by someone calling me a “bluddy cuntt” because I pasted my head on top of a picture of a buddha which is apparently a really important Hindu god, but of course I didn’t know that that when I found it on Google Image Search.

    Um, carry on, then.

    manager mom’s last blog post..Dear Keanu,

  11. I had the pleasure of getting my first not-that-troll-y comment from an anonymous Jen who said she was deleting the bookmark to my blog, but then! she kept reading anyway. So I called her out, and she responded, and then all my commenters started to like her more than me. So I killed them all and started over.

    Tamara’s last blog post..Doing the wave, singing the song, eating the dogs

  12. Yes. The 3 Billy Goats Gruff was my favorite story as a child. I cannot imagine that without a troll.

    My other favorite: the one where the big bad wolf ate the lambs, and then took a nap. Their momma heard them crying from inside his tummy, so she cut him open while he slept, took her babies out, replaced them with really heavy rocks, sewed him back shut, and when he awoke and was thirsty, he leaned over the river to drink and FELL IN AND DROWNED.

    I kid you not.

    Shades’s last blog post..Not Really Anything Much to Say…

  13. I would probably get my feelings if people said mean things to me in my comments section. Especially since I have to let a post ride for a good five days before comments trickle and stop at 30 or 35. So yeah…ugly words would definitely stick out then. I think if I was one of those mega-bloggers it might not sting quite so much. Maybe. I’m guessing.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..These Are The Times That Try Men’s (and Women’s) Souls–Thomas Paine

  14. I am pretty sure Hemingway was/would have been way too drunk to care about trolls. I am sure that if he was a blogger, he’d be the kind that lets comments rack up for weeks and then mass-approves every one together, trolls, spam and all.

    Also, I bet he’d have interesting Twitter conversations with F. Scott Fitzgerald.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Just another day at the office

  15. Way to get positive bloggess. I’m right with you. And hey, shout out to all you trolls. We actually trolls on the playground. It makes things more magical and interesting.

    Whoever inventing the saying if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all, was probably a mute, with a keen knowledge of psychology, and a desire to fit in.

    laurieofthesevenstories’s last blog post..Um apparently being born to a teenage mom does not ruin your life (cough, Barack Obama,cough)

  16. I love you people. Seriously. I’m laughing out loud and I really don’t laugh out loud. Except for the whole Hemingway shooting himself part. That was not so funny. Except in a kind of ironic way. Has enough time passed that we can ironically laugh about Hemingway’s suicide? I say yes.

    Also, that picture is totally me. My mom sewed that outfit for me for “Rodeo Day”. I recently found out that most people don’t even have “Rodeo Day” at their school and also don’t groom bunnies or castrate bulls in school. Which is weird. I mean you guys are weird. Not me. Castrating bulls is totally fine. Good for them, even.


    Never mind.

  17. Trolls suck! And Hemingway did shoot himself.
    Which also sucks.

    This post still made laugh out loud. Even distracted the toddler from his cartoons.:)

    Susan’s last blog post..Mr. Independent

  18. This is really embarrassing, but my husband just informed me that you didn’t mean the little furry guys who ask questions for tolls across a bridge. I was all, they have trolls in Houston?? Sad, really.

  19. When I was a kid I spent a handful of years in Oklahoma, and we did Sooner Day.

    They gave us each a numbered stake, turned us out in a cowfield and fired a starter pistol so that we would run all willy-nilly to stake out our piece of the landpie. It’s amazing how nobody ever stumbled and put one of those stakes through their face. There were lots and lots of gopher holes.

    Thees ess how we haf teh funses.

    But I got to rock a bonnet much like yours and a Holly Hobbie (Hobby? wtf.) pinafore. I was PROUD of that bonnet, much as you must have been of yours. The damned apron was hard to manage, though.

    Pinafore+gopher holes=you people have no idea how lucky I am to be alive and with all organs intact

  20. a friend just told me about your blog. I have never laughed aloud so much in public in my life! I spent the afternoon waiting in line at my grad school reading on my iPod touch. I was laughing so hard that people were giving me dirty looks because they were jealous that I was having such a great time waiting ten hours only to be told that they no longer sign deferment apps. Thanks!!!!!! Your blog fucking rules!

  21. With each post you write I love you just a little bit more which I guess makes me the opposite of a troll. Which is a total syncophant stalker creepy reader. Which is okay unless you’re looking for someone to make a doll out of you. Which I am. Hm.

    Well, I still love your blog.

  22. Well, you really AREN’T that hot are you? I mean compared to Cindy and Sarah?
    But you have somebody that loves you. So I should just buzz off.

  23. The seesaw one made me laugh out loud. I am remembering that for the next time someone I love has a bad day.

    Plus, you are totally hot in that picture. Pa would be able to put his hands around your tiny waist for sure (remember how in Little House on The Prairie Laura was ALWAYS FREAKING TALKING ABOUT HOW SMALL HER MOM’S WAIST WAS GET OVER IT ALREADY YOU ANOREXIC-WANNABE PRAIRIE PSYCHO?…. ahem. I have some unresolved issues there. Also I typed “Hose” instead of “House” and that was funny, because I am a 12-year-old boy.*)

    *not really. 12 or a boy, I mean. It was really funny.

    superblondgirl’s last blog post..Thought Process During Savasana

  24. The cool thing about trolls is that if you put them in the microwave they explode.

    Oh no wait…that’s babies kittens hot dogs.

    The cool thing about trolls is hot dogs.

    That’s what we call “commenting genius” in the biz. True story.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Random Friday Blog

  25. You know you are my hero, right? Anyone with a vodka pantry is pretty high in my book. (Wait, did I just pun?) And, I can’t even get trolls. Except at bars. Those trolls like me. But not the cool internet kind. And the people who hate me don’t even care enough to take the time to jump through the Blogger hoops to post something bitter. Sigh. I thought for sure my Palin posts would do it. Oh, well.

    I’m hoisting my martini to you, awesomeness. Merde. I just spilled a little. What a waste.


    Raising my martini to you, Jenny!

    SAM’s last blog post..I’m Just Going to Say It

  26. I say haters are a sign of your true popularity. If people actually hate you, then you are doing the right thing. As Kat Williams would say ” you need to get more haters by the end of the summer” or something like that.

    I love seeing haters, I dont read their emails but I love it!

    Dr. WRight
    The Wright Place TV Show

  27. You make me want to get the children off to bed so I can start cursing. I’m watching the youtube video right now, and I was thinking, wow this really sucks and then it hit the two minute mark and it turned totally awesome (especially the part about shitting on her vagina).

    Thanks Bloggess.

    Writer Dad’s last blog post..I Heart DVD’s

  28. Do you think you can make me one for all the people that have tried to degrade me in the last couple days after I let it out of the bag that I’m a republican?
    I love the cards, I want one!!!!
    stupid trolls.

    Kelsey’s last blog post..I can only laugh at myself

  29. Well, some people don’t get any comments at all, so I think you are ahead of the game!

    yes, you are hot. yes, you are hilarious.

    So those haters can all go fizzuck themselves!

    Petra’s last blog post..I’m a WHAT?

  30. totally love the seesaw one too! you making that into a t-shirt by any chance?

    i love when a troll can’t spell or use grammar and junk and then gets all “your stoopid” and shit. those are my favorite ones to read.

    i’ve tried to go, er, trolling for trolls and got jack. i’ve even tried picking fights with mac fanboys and nothing! so take your trolls as a sign of uber-success. and if there are any apple fanboys or criss angel groupies, feel free to stop my shithole of a blog. please? anybody?

    SEO Hack’s last blog post..3M Corporation Bankrupt?

  31. Adults are not the only haters with bad grammar. My sister, the high school teacher, asked her sophmores to write a report about frogs. One of the papers she recieved had one single line that read,”Frog r stupit”.

  32. oh, and what petra said – you got it all! and what kind of sick fuck gets off on seven year old prairie girls? hate to shake his hand after a Little House on the Prairie marathon on the Hallmark Channel . . . .

    SEO Hack’s last blog post..3M Corporation Bankrupt?

  33. Jenny

    the hemingway sticker is brillers. Now, about the troll smack down. There happens to be a Canadian food critic for a large Canadian newspaper who likes to come to my site regularly and leave troll shits all over the place.

    Take care of it will you?

    Thanks love.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Middle School Madness

  34. when i got my first and only meanie people, i thought “hey maybe i’m popular” and then i realized it came from within an extended part of my life that i married in to.

    try and remember that the mean troll people spewing on your blog has everything to do with them, and definitely not you. they are projecting their stuff out into the universe.

    i’ve been wondering if it might be time to start up some blogger gangs.

    piglet’s last blog post..i maybe said too much here

  35. “Your retarded” – oh, oh my.

    I’m laughing now, but that’s probably from the xanax cocktail I took a half hour ago. Usually I want to take the you/you’re and their/there/they’re and to/too people, ask them to come closer and punch them in the neck.

    YOU’RE awesome!

  36. That’s actually not true, Anne. I happen to know at least one mommy blogger who did not *choose* to have a baby. She just didn’t realize she was pregnant because she was kind of an alcoholic and she thought she was just getting fat. And she had a lot of unprotected sex. Like, a LOT. But she didn’t *choose* to have the baby. It just happened. In her car on the way to her dealers house. So, you know, maybe don’t judge so quickly next time.

  37. affirmation girl sort of gives me the creeps. kind of like blog porn. do you think that the whole comment thing is reminiscent of the cool table in the cafeteria?

    great cards.

    amyz5’s last blog post..Yesternight

  38. i am TOTALLY into the one with stabbing the haters in their genitals. that fucking cracked me up. this whole post cracked me up. thanks for being such a shit stirrer at blogher so i could find out about you and love you.

    jennster’s last blog post..ster-olitics

  39. The seesaw was hilarious and then I think I peed a little when I got to the get there early part. The youtube vid was the topper. Thanks for making me laugh my ass off tonight.

  40. “I laughed so hard I woke up the dog.”

    That made me laugh so hard I woke up Hemingway.

    You’re welcome.

  41. And then the she said to the witch (who might be troll) that if you eat the goat its horns will get stuck in your oesophegus and pierce your lungs and you’ll die, to which the witch/troll said “Mutton!” and drowned in the river like Ofelia. *SICK* – Please make the first three cards into badges ‘coz I need that sort of ‘badassedness’ on my blog. (It’s not that I don’t like the other two, it’s just I have enough legs and I don’t have periods – I think my cervix is missing – the damn penis gets in the way I think).

    And then snow shite ran away with the old dwarf and the prince, who was actually Prince, lived happily ever after with the other 6 dwarves. The end.

    JL’s last blog post..The bad Juju of the cereal bowl

  42. Got here through Geekologie. I have to say that your blog is ridiculously entertaining and you are hillarious. Screw them trolls. I have mine own too but it doesn’t bother me. Cause c’mon, you’re only envious of what you’re not.

    Bitches want to be me.

    the constantly dramatic one’s last blog post..Mucho gracias

  43. Affirmation Girl was great.

    Oh, you’re great too. I mean, I didn’t mean that you are not as great as Affirmation Girl. You are as great as Affirmation Girl. Greater. Way Greater.

    Please don’t send me a troll card. I didn’t mean to say Affirmation Girl was Great before I said you were great. Honest.

  44. I love everything about this post. The video is hysterical!!! I don’t have enough readers (yet) to have trolls. One day… a girl can dream 🙂

  45. Jenny, you were SO cute when you were that age. Okay, fine, you still are. BTW, can I post some pics of you from the 70’s/early 80’s, if I can find them? I only ask because I saw some a few days ago. Please?

    Ellie, “akismet” was obviously supposed to be “a kismet”:

  46. Why is it all the trolls can’t spell for shit? I got my first negative comment the other day and it was from some old weird ass man. I felt like I’d made it with my first troll. Then all my commenters turned on his ass and we almost had a murder. He then said he was joking. He was totally not joking. He has not commented again. LOL I have a pack of smartmouthed readers and he didn’t want anymore. And that video was so freaking funny. And I thought you sure were purty in your picture. LOL I think you’re great and just ignore all the shitheads out there.

    Tiffany’s last blog post..Bitch that’s MY bread

  47. Dude!

    (Why? Why must I use that word like I’m a teenager? I’m so lame.)

    I want those graphics and I want to use them as signatures in my emails.

    Especially the elephant. Nothing gets to the point like an elephant with too many legs.

  48. Damn, I forgot to tell you that the cards were awesome, and so is Affirmation Girl. I want her number, if you happen to have it lying around. And yes, people, it’s “lying”, not “laying”.

  49. I am currently troll-less. I guess I would have to have more than six readers for that to happen. Oh, well. I’ll just read your trolls and pretend they’re mine.

    You get the genitals and I’ll go for the eyes.

    Jim’s last blog post..College Etiquette for Students

  50. Girlfriend, if you was in my 2nd grade class on Rodeo Day and you came in there lookin’ all Laura Ingalls hotness like that I’d be on you like a chicken on a Cheeto. Of course I mean my seven year-old self would be.

    When people write comments about how much they can’t stand me or that I’m retarded or that I’m too stupid to be allowed to vote or that my penis doesn’t have the appropriate girth, I think of all the people who think the same things about me but they are too polite or too scared of me to say anything and it makes me feel better.

    Chickens must love cheetos, right?

  51. I always love the trolls who have multiple personality episodes, comment from the same IP, and leave a nice comment under one name, and a snarky one under a different name.

    Oh, and I lurve the Hemingway one. That’s great.

    “Just found you through some guy peeing in the wind… FUNNY girl… Just remember… You are Good Enough… & gosh darn it…people like you!”

    What the hell? Peeing in the wind? How are you associated with this?!

    Andria’s last blog post..The Business of Blogging

  52. Hey, you really are multifaceted – I sort of thought of you as my go-to blog for a great laugh. And now here you are all warm and fuzzy and defending the right to post whatever crap we want without troll-dom. You are a great advocate for bloggers. Wonderful badges/cards – cracked me up, of course.

    EmmaW’s last blog post..Hatred: the next generation

  53. First comment you referred to sounds like a paedo with high standards (especially since that was a totally cute pic!)

    Second comment you referred to – well it DEFINITELY would take one to know one . . . and they didn’t know what they were talking about!!!

    Affirmation girl – fucking hilarious!!! I nearly peed myself laughing!

    Paula’s last blog post..IN HIBERNATION MODE . . .

  54. I wrote this funny little post about how men should marry ugly women to achieve lifelong happiness. It was clearly written as a joke.
    Then some “high maintenance” lady stumbled upon it and went bananas about how offensive she found the notion that women with designer clothes and plastic surgery wouldn’t want to make homemade dinner rolls. It was the first troll comment I ever got and it really took me back at first. Then my friend Mollie reminded me that this was a crazy woman and I was fine.

    shonda’s last blog post..If I Think It’s Tacky, Lord, It Is!

  55. I used to get trolled on a support board I used to frequent. I have had the occasionally meany at my blog. People just don’t get that on my own little piece of the Internet – I get the last word and I am right (well, not the last part always.)

  56. Damn you for introducing me to Lisa Nova, thus causing me to stay up until 1:30 a.m. watching all her videos.
    I feel like shit today and it’s all your fault! Or that could’ve been the xanax…nevermind.

  57. Okay, so I didn’t read all 125 comments (I have a short attention span and I’m used to reading only, like, 4 comments on my blog. :::sniff:::)V/i>, but you obviously ROCK!

    Anyway, forget the trolls, your video had me holding myself so I don;t pee in my pants. Good thing I’m at home and not at work, huh?

  58. Ok, usually I don’t even write comments after there are already 30 because I figure who’s going to read like 100 comments? I’m sure you have a life. But I did have to step up to say that I totally defended you on some of the trolls’ blogs. You rock, Bloggess. And that prairie girl picture? TOTALLY hot. No question.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..Biggest Disappointment of the Week

  59. I read *all* the comments. Even if I didn’t want to I would have to because of my OCD. Lucky for you people I’m mentally ill.

    And seriously, thank you for having my back. It meant a lot.

    And to answer some earlier questions, I don’t know what akismet is either but Victor loaded it on my blog and it catches almost all of my spam comments. It’s awesome.

    Also, any pictures of my from the 80’s should be destroyed. No exceptions.

  60. Yeah, you really are that hot. But I mean now, not when you were 7. I’m not some sick freak, you know. I don’t care what the jury said.

  61. Most pictures of anyone from the 80’s should be destroyed.

    But Jenny… the dude who thought he was right… wasn’t. You’re totally hot. And funny as hell. That bit about waking up the dog? I think I peed a little.

    Lurve you girl!

    Mojo’s last blog post..55 Flash Fiction Friday (#10): Bannaa

  62. You seem to have an awful lot of readers with bladder control issues. You need to hook up with a urology clinic. You could make a fortune on the referrals.

  63. Is it sad that I aspire to having trolls on my blog? Cause I would take trolls as a sign that more than 7 people read my blog and maybe I can stop hanging out in the corners of blogoslavakia.

    LOVE the seesaw card. I am going to tell my friends that whenever they get upset of the hate-age. I’ll give you credit though.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..The Adventures in Windsurfing

  64. If the seesaw card were a bumper sticker – I’d buy one. No, I’d buy like 100 and randomly stick them onto people’s bumpers in parking lots.

  65. Trolls are like those little pieces of toilet paper that cling to your ass. Even if you wipe gently, they still show up just because they can…………….

  66. Dude. We totally had Rodeo Day. In elementary school. And there were definitely bunnies and chicks. But bull castration? Please don’t tell me you were inseminating cows as well. You could lose a lot of small children that way.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..taxicab confessions

  67. Can I nominate Superblondgirl’s comment for comment of the day? I lurve little house on the prarie…prarie…praire…I give up.

  68. I love the Hemmingway one. But you now have way too many comments to ever be as good as Hemmingway.

    And I don’t say that because I’m a hateful troll. I just say that because I’m typing faster than I’m thinking.

    Noelle’s last blog post..Won’t you be my neighbor

  69. on one hand, I kind of have to give props to the trolls. At least I know they’re paying attention because they’re so specific regarding the ways in which I have offended them with my sucktasticness. On the otherhand, I’m totally bring a meat skewer to the See Saw party.

    miss thystle’s last blog post..Wednesday Child is full of Woe

  70. I’m sure you get told this often, buy I think you have a future in greeting cards. Those cards were beyond awesome.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Bully

  71. Oh, and once I wrote a really heartfelt post about my dad or about my childhood cat dying or something, and some guy commented with “blah blah show us your tits” and it was the best comment I’ve ever received.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Bully

  72. I was in 4th grade during the whole “Hollie Hobbie” madness and had a dress just like that. Got my pic in the local paper wearing it. So don’t tell me it’s not hot.

    I liked the Hemingway one until the party-pooper brought up the shooting thing. Sheesh.

    People who don’t like you have no sense of humor. We have no need for them.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..Kinda Resistant, Kinda Not

  73. Okay – loved the post (as always – you rock). However, the elephant does NOT have too many legs – he has 4 legs, two tusks, and one trunk. (I think I’ve become slightly troll-y… forgive me Jenny?)

  74. Oh, thank you so much. Every time I do a political blog, I get some racist asshole on my site and I can’t get rid of him. I feel like affirmation girl. I have to repeat this daily: “he’s just a troll, just a troll.”

  75. That see saw one was so absolutely perfect. And the elephant one! And the… well, you get the picture.
    No trolls, because no one reads, having trolls is a sign of popularity, so it should be positive, huh? Kind of like the popular girls in high school that everyone made up rumors about like that she was pregnant with the science teacher’s baby, oh wait, that one was true…

    Foxy’s last blog post..Know When to Hold ‘Em

  76. You’re marvelous.
    Which may sound just too buttery to be honest, but you’re the only blog all the women in my family can read and agree upon/laugh with/about.
    So – keep fighting the good fight?

  77. Dudette…I do a blog for a soap I watch and those people are wicked crazy…I have this one person who sent me all their personal info thinking I was one of the characters on the show.

    Mean people suck…that’s all I’ve got…yep that’s it. Have a nice F-ing day 🙂

    p.s. Your real minions dig you! Was that to obsequious?

    Jenn’s last blog post..Arachnophobia

  78. Trolls suck… and I’ve been introduced to a whole new category of troll: The Concern Troll. They suck too… they call me feminazi and tell me I’m going to spend eternity in the lake of fire (or pit of fire, I don’t remember – they sound equally hot.) I really dig affirmation girl – got flashbacks from my first blog post.
    My favorite: “I’m gonna shit on you… how will that make you feel? In your head?”

    Kelly’s last blog post..How Much Time Should She Do?

  79. I also laughed out loud when I read the Hemingway one. I’m thinking of putting it up on the sidebar of my blog. (With a link back to you, of course!)

    Your troll’s comment reminded me of the only one I’ve ever gotten (as someone pointed out, there is an upside to having few visitors and even fewer commenters) wherein Lil’ Miss Hater called me a “hoe.” Seriously? I’m supposed to be insulted when you can’t even spell your insult correctly?

    Anyway, someone else above called you “ridiculously entertaining” and that’s like a gift of a tagline. ‘Cause you are.

  80. Sorry about that. I showed her the video of Hayley singing in the car, but when you get to the end, it shows a little parade of all your other videos.

    Another building? That stinks. Since I’ve been working part time, my office is actualy upstairs in our warehouse. Like, if I had a window, I could look out and see all the junk we have in storage down below. But there aren’t any windows in the whole building. There’s no elevator, and there is just one bathroom (unisex) that I share with all the guys who move furniture around in the warehouse. I love them, but not so much there sanitary habits.

    Katy’s last blog post..Romans 1-3

  81. 149 comments in before I find out about the third post. So I forgot about the other blog, so sue me already.

    What was I going to say?

    Oh! Oh! I got trolled this week! Or was it spammed? Like I was going to bother reading five pages of drivel to find out? Don’t you love that *delete* button?

    Love you.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Farty’s Friday Chart

  82. You had me at “stab them in their genitals.” I had my friend on the phone and I couldn’t even ask him to hold because I was laughing so hysterically, I couldn’t even breathe!

    AV Flox’s last blog post..The Lolita Issue

  83. First of all- you are flaming hot. Like seriously, I am jealous! 🙂 And you even make cute kids, so double jealousy for you.

    Second of all- trolls are people who haven’t found thongs yet. I mean, wouldn’t you be pissy if you had 8 inches of underwear up your butt instead of 1 inch? So, instead of hating trolls, take pity on them and buy them a thong. Thongs will save the world.

  84. My God you have a shitload of readers. I laughed out loud at the Jolly Ranchers line. I mean, it wouldn’t be a great story but still pretty good. Cause who doesn’t love Jolly Ranchers? And compliments? The video was hilarious. Is that you?

    Stefanie’s last blog post..How To Get A Book Deal In Three Words

  85. One of my trolls gave me “Winners Do The Math.” So, they’re not ALL bad. You know?

    (I’m lying. They totally suck, but they do bring a slight, twisted sense of joy to my life that I can’t really describe, but can’t fully deny.)

    (Did that even make sense? Probably not, right? And I should just “Shut the fuck up, get off my lazy ass, stop eating cookies AND GET A FUCKING JOB AND STOP WHINING TO THE INTERNET ALL FUCKING DAY LONG WWWWHOOOOOREEEEEEEEEEE” already. YES?)

    Y’s last blog post..Raaaaaaaaaage

  86. The trolls are reading you and to my knowledge it’s not mandatory to read your (your’re) blog so given free will and all I vote for the stabbing with too (two/to) many legs (not to be confused with Jacob Two-Two or Jordan Tootoo for that matter). What I meant to say was its a troll issue that they, are, well, you know..uh trolls and not super cool bloggesses or bloggesses readerers.

  87. I love love love you for bringing a girl back from the bloggy doldrums. You are seriously the best. And when I was 7, I totally would have wanted that outfit because I thought Laura Ingalls Wilder was THE SHIT. For serious.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Dear Funnel Web Spiders,

  88. I am convinced that trolls are the sign of a successful blog. And they’re all fat, white dudes with acne living someplace shitty like Idaho.

    Yeah – I said it. Idaho is shitty. Don’t shoot the bearer of bad news.

    Tranny Head’s last blog post..Knocked Up?!

  89. I think you rock. You should do a Video Blog. Well maybe the world is not ready for that yet. But YOU TOTALLY rock here.

  90. I just fell in love.. with a girl. Think my hub hub would mind? The bigger the balls people have, the harder I fall for them. Screw the trolls.. tell them to continue to play london bridge with their imaginary friends, and all will be well. Keep on trucking, and thanks for not sugar coating! Rock on!

    YoYo’s last blog post..Grandparents Day

  91. The video was hilarious. Is that you?

    OMG! (As they say in Blogsylvania.) That is so NOT The Bloggess! That girl is somewhat attractive. The Bloggess is insanely HOT! We now return you to your regularly scheduled insanity.

  92. 200 freakin’ comments on a post @ not getting comments (well, that links to that…)?

    Your totally anonymous.

    (It actually, literally HURT me to write the above sentence. It’s against my religion.)

    Man, I miss you when I’ve been “gone” and then I come back and read you and realize I miss you.

    That made sense, right?

    Robin (PENSIEVE)’s last blog post..Everybody’s NUTS! Wahoo! A weekend give-away!

  93. This was my first visit here – MamaKatsLosinIt sent me over here. That video cracked me up! Was that you? Probably a dumb question but hey I’m a little behind here 😉
    I’ll definitely be back – keep it up!

    Shanna’s last blog post..Meet-Up, Again

  94. I love the first two cards, just fantastic! Thanks affirmation girl, we’re all going to be okay! ^^ Great post!

    Also a first timer…thanks MamaKatsLosinIt.

    Ren’s last blog post..Is it wrong…

  95. Thanks to what I have to assume is a viral phenomonster (your Tranny Lego post–go figure) a co-worker IM’ed me a link to your blog. While our business is social media, I never have time to read much of the UGC that goes through all the social tools.

    I wish I had more time for it because this blog is pure gold. Your style is hilarious but insightful and now I am worried I may be addicted.

    Thank you for such a great read!

  96. I have to admit I was a little nervous about sending my little readers to Blogess territory…I was afraid they wouldn’t come back.

    But I refuse to be sucked in to that high school most popular coveting the friends thing. I like you…and I have to share you.


    But if they don’t come back I’m going to start leaving anonymous heckling comments on your blog… 😉

    Mama’s Losin’ It’s last blog post..Dirty Trolls

  97. My fun and witty antics are lost this morning. Too much booze & revamped 80’s rock will do that to you. Instead I’ll give you some bullshit line about loving your brother, or turning the other cheek, or sending them prayers. I dunno. I’m gonna drink my coffee now. Just know that I love you!

    Jen@Happily-Ever-After-Land’s last blog post..PhotoStory Friday – Sticker Shock!

  98. Ya know, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile…it doesn’t occur to me to comment every time I think you are hi-larious or awesome or w/e because I assume you are already aware.

    So you are funny and awesome and I try to read your older posts because I’m totally convinced that I’ve been missing out on some good stuff and need to catch up. So there 🙂

  99. I think that chick is my inside voice. Wow… here I was thinking I was the only one brave enough to sport the Holly Hobby look! And you were totally hot, so meh to the doofus that wrote that!

    I read your interview at that old guy’s blog… the Titanic one… anyway, loved that you started blogging for the same reasons I did. Not that you were copying me… just glad to know that greatness comes from wanting to find other weirdoes and to write The Book. I remember, too getting your reason for the curlers when I met you at BlogHer. I thought that made complete sense. I think I’m going to wear curlers for Halloween and anyone that says, Her are you the Bloggess? is going to be my new friend. Then I’ll drug them and take pictures just like you suggested.

    Love love love you! Like in a totally stalker kind of way…

  100. I am so glad I stopped by (for the first time evah) and read this. So true, so true. You have to think though, those goats had pretty good odds – 3:1.

    Love the cards, those are epic.

    Siobhan’s last blog post..Photo Hunt: String(s)

  101. Okay, One? Bonnets are hot, I don’t care what anyone else says. That Hollie Hobbie look still rules.

    Two? I’m a little scared by the moo cards. It may have been the elephant.

    Three. Heart Affirmation Girl. Total heart.

    Four. 200+ comments? Awesome. Struck a nerve there, eh? Trolls. Meh. I say bring ’em.

    New Age Bitch’s last blog post..The Gratitude Thing: Oprah Was Wrong.

  102. You know what’s better than reading a post from one of your favoritest bloggers? Reading the comments from your OTHER favoritest bloggers.

    I needed this. I am SO sending *myself* the see saw card!

    Martie’s last blog post..R.I.P. Jake D…

  103. Your blog is too funny. This video is hilarious! I’m supposed to tell you that my dear internet friend Momma Kat sent me. 🙂

    Heather’s last blog post..What?

  104. Not to be a debbie downer or anything…but things really didn’t turn out alright for Hemingway. Well, not till after he was dead and stuff.

    I want people to love my blog today. Not after I’m dead. LOL

    jennydecki’s last blog post..My Long Term Career Plan

  105. i’m laughing that ugly laugh i own, which never ever comes out in public.

    sadly, i am at starbuck’s. by myself. in public. just me and my deep-throated snorting.

    thanks. i have to kirtsy this. now.

    karey m.’s last blog post..another birthday…

  106. That is a riot! Lucky for me nobody likes me enough to tell me that they sh*t in my . . .

    No, that is NOT an invitation.

    Jenny, you so cool!

  107. The cards are awesome and affirmation girl made me laugh. Fortunately my blog isn’t read enough to attract trolls, but if it ever is . . . who am I kidding? I’ll cry myself to sleep.

    Stacey’s last blog post..Blame Canada

  108. I don’t get nasty comments, only horrific emails. Your post was perfectly timed. And thank you so much for the intro to affirmation girl. She’s a keeper.

  109. First I was prepared to tell you how you were hot and that I want those cards. Then I saw a comment that you have a VODKA PANTRY. You do? I’m going to stand in your front yard with a boom box over my head playing Peter Gabriel really loud.

    WhenSheWorePonytails’s last blog post..Happy happy birthday baby

  110. I just found your blog today! I have laughed so loud that my husband has peeked into the room to make sure I am not just losing it or something. Anyone who would leave you a mean comment is a fucktard. You can tell ’em I said so. Thank you for Affirmation Girl, just made my day a little brighter.

    that gypsy girl’s last blog post..He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper

  111. I’m so new to this thing that I’ve only ever seen trolls in action over at other people’s houses.

    I don’t know if you have ever read Norman Cousins, but he’s a scientific type who became very ill and decided to treat his illness with laughter.

    As the story goes, he sat up in bed, more or less, and watched reruns of “Laurel & Hardy” while taking lots of Vitamin C, I think, and brought his health back from the brink.

    At this point, had you been there, I would have put him on your trail. But, sadly for Norman, he was before your time. Nevertheless, and fortunately for me, you are right on time. “The healing power of The Blogess” has a nice ring, non?

    I, on the other hand, now have a stomachache, and my husband will be mad at me for days because I laughed so fucking hard, uncontrollably, that he slammed his book shut because he could not concentrate to read!

    240 plus comments? Were you also pregnant at 15–by the Homecoming King with whom you shared the stage–when you were crowned Homecoming Queen in the 9th grade at Thomas Jefferson Junior High School in Oklahoma City? I’m just wondering…

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..“You Are Really A Lovable Person…”

  112. I think I damaged some internal organs from reading your blog! Which, by the way, is a POSITIVE thing, as it is laughter-induced internal organ damage. I’m sure many of your readers have also experienced internal organ damage while reading your blog, and I’m saddened that there are trolls out there that cannot share in this experience. Their loss 🙂

    Brooke’s last blog post..Weekend Wonderland

  113. Blogville rookiedom, coupled with pathetically slow synaptic formation (or maybe damaged dendrites; I’m no neurologist) requires just the right post for me to make associations. I’d like to thank you for causing that dim bulb over my head to light up a little bit this morning, though. I know you said that goats are the only ones who have to fear trolls, but if I remember the story correctly (and there is every chance that I do not and that this is, therefore, a faulty connection I am making) the troll ended up getting his ass handed to him by those goats. Or some goat sympathizer. Or something. Anyway, the troll lost. Which leads me to the following brilliant conclusion about trollless status: I thought my lack of non-familial trolls was simply lack of traffic. Now I know it’s because I am constantly writing about my goats.
    I feel so much better about myself now. Thanks!

    WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Fissiparous

  114. My employer frowns on unbridled jubilation in the workplace, which had led to some odd squeaking as I attempt to supress my laughter whilst reading your blog. You are hysterical. Thank you and thanks to Mama Kat for sending me your way.

  115. I usually congratulate friends when they get their first troll, it’s like totally a sign of blooming popularity- TOTALLY *snaps gum* but on occasion they still manage to twist the old knife and then I sob a whole bunch, fantasize about punching them in the genitals and then locking them in a room with my MIL. That usually makes me feel better.

    fidget’s last blog post..Tears and Tribulations

  116. I’m just re-reading comments to make sure an appropriate amount of my peeps are leaving you love.

    I’m satisfied with the turnout.

    Though I did see one who failed to mention where she came from…maybe she was already a reader…I suppose that’s possible.

    She’s also a bitch so I don’t care that much.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Tiny Tidbits: Color Me Crazy

  117. 245 comments?!?! Are you frickin’ kidding me? You are like a mega blogger aren’t you?

    And damn funny at that.

    Here from Mama Kat’s place ‘cuz she loves you so that means I do too.

  118. I sat here for …. well, I don’t really know, but for a long long time reading all of the comments and they are almost as good as your blog!

    I too love the sea/saw card. I have a thing about knives… my son once gave me knife that has printed on it that it is Lorena Bobbitt’s knife. See where I’m going with this.. Only kidding. Except for the gift of the knife. I really do have it, somewhere.

    Anyway, I love your blog and I’m so lucky I don’t have any problems with trolls.

    Jan’s last blog post..Global Warming?

  119. I used to think I was a troll, because people were calling me that. But then I realized they were saying I was droll, and then it took me a long time to realize that wasn’t a contraction of drunk and roll.

  120. Found you through Writer Dad. He is right – you are hilarious!

    Great topic, I just got my first troll last week and he (and it has to be a he, right, I can’t see any woman being that friggin’ weird) is absolutely batshit crazy. Thanks for the many laughs and the great video!

    BloggerDad’s last blog post..A long way to go for an inside joke

  121. I guess there are advantages to writing a blog no one reads except the people mentioned in it. If they leave a mean post they know I will punch them in the face. Or cry. Yeah, probably the latter.

    Liz C’s last blog post..Almost-brush with greatness

  122. I love you…I truly, truly do…and not in some weird stalker kind of way…well maybe alittle.

  123. Just so you know, posting three times in one day does not give you a license to take a week off. There are addicts out here. We need our Bloggess crack.

    Wait, that didn’t sound the way I meant it. Or did it?

  124. Sometimes I verbally beat the crap out of myself. I use strong words and paint pictures. The best defense is a strong offense. Then if a Troll comes around and says something uncool I’m like “Dude…, I already thought of that. That’s SO uncreative. Use your own words.”

    PAPA’s last blog post..Offices have (free) food. I like food.

  125. Jenny, I got stabbed in the genitals with a knife. It was my Doctor who stabbed me. He didn’t call it a knife though, he called it a scalpel. Oh yeah, and he was performing a vasectomy. So actually I didn’t get stabbed in the genitals with a knife at all. It was just a lie to try and impress you.

    Thanks for dropping in earlier.

    Dave Fowler’s last blog post..Playing Tag

  126. OMG.

    Where have you been all my life?

    Are you married?

    I mean, Writer Dad told me you were something special, but . . . GEES!

    I have that weird feeling in my tummy right about now.

    You know, the feeling when all the pretty little butterflies are floating around in your stomach, but somehow the acid brewing in your tummy never quite kills the little critters — Yeah, that’s me right now.

    Or kind of like when the school bully has you cornered and you have no where to run, and you feel like your stomach is going to collapse on itself — Yeah, that too.

    Forget those idiots bloggess, they’re cretins — pay no mind to their tomfoolery my love.

    It is I, yes I, not me, who will save you from these comment-trolls my dear.

    Please, allow me to be your trollkismet, and I’ll slay the fools as they appear.

    Luis Gross’s last blog post..Should You Display Your FeedBurner Reader Count?

  127. I’m not sure if I laughed harder at “I woke up the dog…who has been dead four 4 years” or “get there early”

    Either way. I laughed pretty hard..thanks.

  128. trolls are just losers who try to make everyone else feel as miserable as they do. Hate trolls. I wish they’d find something more productive to do. Like take a nap in the middle of the highway or do bungee jumping or something.

    Elisa’s last blog! I’m Paris Hilton!

  129. Totally hilarious. At first, I thought YOU were the affirmation girl in the video. But even if you were, that would be okay. Love yourself! Not in the naughty way, though. Oh, okay, love yourself there too, if you want. Who am I to judge.

    Sorry. Rambling…

    Texan Mama’s last blog post..Cheerleaders gone wild

  130. Forgive me for not reading all 273 comments, but why oh why do videos not work for me? This is like the fourth today. Argh. And trolls? Are they the people who leave the 37 page religious diatribes? No? Then what are those people called?
    And, for the record, I still think you bear a striking resemblance to Leighton whatsername from the show for the younger set.

    amanda’s last blog post..I could *so* do it

  131. My opinion on trolls in any internet setting is that they are pussies. IRL they sit at their computer in their mommie’s basement feeling as stupid and pathetic as they are, and they decide to try to flex their muscles in a setting they think they can pretend to be big in.

    It puts me in mind of the South Park episode with the online roll playing game where they got all fat and pimply and Cartman’s mom brought him a bedpan.

    I figure that’s exactly what any troll is doing and then they just seem stupid and laughable. If they had any real balls they’d go out and pick a fight with whoever actually pissed in their Wheaties that day. They don’t because they’d get their asses kicked so they do it anonymously only making themselves look that much more pathetic.

    And I sure wouldn’t sweat someone who can’t tell if he should use “you’re retarded” or “your retarded” Obviously he needs to look the word up… 😉

    Steph’s last blog post..Where do you start?

  132. i prefer to consider myself a lurker, rather than troll–don’t even know how i got here, but i’m sure it started with ROFL awards . . . which i managed to kill most of a weekend reading. just have to say these cards crack me up–especially the blue one about the see-saw. totally reminds me of a bad preschool scene a couple years back–the mommy gang bangers in opposition. love it. coming back to laugh more, so keep it coming please!–Annie

  133. OMG I so needed to read this today. Someone called me a cunt yesterday and while I’ve been called a cunt numerous times, it bothered me yesterday. Maybe because it was my birthday.

    I should get extra points because it was my birthday.

    That Chick’s last blog post..Coming home.

  134. Man, the world is psycho – psychic, I mean.

    Trolls and haters have nothing better to do or don’t think better of themselves.

    Thank god for the rest of sane people!

    PS: so glad I found this place. A nice dose of reality and hey, I grew up in a Rodeo town and I had a patchwork apron dress and bonnet and matched my mama in hers. REally!!

  135. Pingback: Her Royal Bloggess
  136. How did I get here? what a giant loop you’ve made for yourself. But seriously those cards are awesome and some of them could work in other situations- like birthdays and funerals ( do you send a card for a funeral?). But really I think you could market them to 20 year olds or something. My sister is 21 and acts like everyone hates her- actually most of the 21 year olds I know act like that- or like douchebags- either way, don’t sue me.

  137. Hemingway was a miserable drunk who killed himself with a shotgun, so maybe things didn’t turn out so alright for him.

  138. May I please take the Hemingway button? It made me so happy and I promise I’ll take extra special care of it.

    I’m going to go ahead and do so. I feel you’d say yes. ‘Cause you’re awesome that way.

    Signed, Not an Idiot.
    .-= Kaylynn´s last blog ..Requiem of the Tide =-.

  139. I thought you were talking about the kind of trolls like the one that got into Hogwarts & was tearing shit up in the bathroom until you posted the comment a/b how that person was like oh you’re not that hot (which btw you totally were it that prairie outfit. *sizzle*), and then I was like oh…she means THAT kind of troll. Well that makes a lot more sense.

  140. Bloggess, I love you and your legendary ramblings. You always know just what to say. Thank you for the laughs!

  141. You are awesome in every way! I love these posts are written, so funny and witty! I love how honest and raw you are. keep it up!!

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