Me: Dude. I’m in the top 3,500 blogs on Technorati. And I didn’t even kill any other bloggers to get there. Yet.
Victor: Huh. Do you know how many people were in my high school? Like…2,000. So basically you could fill my whole high school with bloggers who are better than you. TWO high schools, even. Like if the entire city of Midland had blogs you wouldn’t be as good as any of those people.
Me: It’s a little impressive.
Victor: Yeah. It’s like World’s Greatest Grampa. Except you’re like the world’s 3,500th greatest grampa. And you’re not even a grampa. Congratulations.
Me: Yeah, but a bunch of those 3,500 blogs are big companies who have a writing staff and don’t just write drunken posts about ninjas and sasquatch and doggie life-jackets after they get home from being an analyst all damn day. If there was a filter to look at just analysts who blog about dismembered hobo fingers I’d totally be in the top 100. Obviously you’re just jealous.
Victor: I’m not jealous. If I was a blogger I’d be number one, baby. Hide and watch!
Me: You are totally insane.
Victor: Hide… And watch.
Me: What does that even mean?!
Victor: It’s a blog-off. And I’m winning.
Me: You aren’t even blogging!
Victor: You don’t know that. If I spent as much time fucking around on the internet as you do I would have invented it.
Me: That doesn’t even make sense.
Victor: Dude. If I spent as much time on the internet as you do I would own the goddamn internet.
Me: Yeah but that’s not what you said. You said you’d have invented it.
Victor: I meant “owned”. I said “owned”.
Me: You said “invented” and I’m totally going to twitter it right now.
Victor: Whatever. Your word against mine, lady.
Me: You don’t twitter! You don’t have a word!
Victor: That you know of, World’s Greatest Grampa. It’s going to be a pretty upsetting day for you when you find out I’m actually Dooce.
Me: I’ve met Dooce.
Victor: Well then.
Me: You know, this doesn’t even matter because technically in my world of people-who-only-exist-on-the-internet my word is the only one that matters and I could pretty much make you say anything and you couldn’t do anything about it.
Victor: You know what we should do? We should go down to the mall and make you a “World’s Greatest Grampa” mug but then we’ll scratch it out and change it to words to “World’s 3,500th Greatest Blogger”. That would be awesome. You know, you are totally right, as always, and I only say these things because I’m in awe of you and you have great hair and your feet smell like zebra stripe gum. And also I love it when you use apostrophes the wrong way and break your blog and I have to spend all night fixing it. And I’ve decided that I’m never going to make you watch “Rounders” again even though I have some sort of sick compulsion to watch every damn time it’s on TV which is so bad that sometimes I’ll sit up in bed in the middle of the night and sniff the air and say “Rounders is on somewhere” and then I click through all the stations to see if it’s playing and it usually is and I make you watch it again. No more of that, my bride. Instead we’ll watch your DVD of The Young Ones and I’ll actually laugh and not roll my eyes like you’re an idiot for thinking it’s hysterical because that part where the hippie pulls all those kittens out of his pocket and says “It’s raining cats and dogs out there”? That was actually very funny and not at all sophomoric and idiotic like I implied. You know what you need right now? More box wine. And a curly straw. And a new hat.
Me: Actually I’d love a new hat.
Victor: What the fuck are you talking about?
Me: Oh nothing.
PS. Victor threatened to shut down my server if I didn’t admit that I may have misquoted him here but I’m pretty sure I’m writing what’s in his heart so it totally counts.
PPS. That title is actually incorrect because this month I spent more money on burritos than I made from blogging, but to be honest I buy a shitload of burritos.
PPPS. I couldn’t actually find a youtube clip of the Young Ones guy pulling the kittens out of his pockets so instead I just linked to The Mighty Boosh which is awesome but not related to the Young Ones at all and is a perfect example of the kind of shoddy blogging that probably never happens at The Huffington Post.
Comment of the day: I think you should get Victor a mug that says “Husband of the World’s Greatest Grandpa” ~ Summer
181 thoughts on “Fact: Last month I made almost as much from my blog as I spent on burritos.”
Read comments below or add one.
I just hope you’ve got a 10 PR and show up first in google for the search term “hobo fingers.”
Because the Fingerhut site totally doesn’t deserve the traffic.
t2ed’s last blog post..Cat Scratch Fever
I would totally like to chew your feet right now because I LOVE zebra stripe gum but my husband always gets that shitty sugar-free Ice gum that makes my mouth tingle and my eyes water.
So can I?
bejewell’s last blog post..Tiny Sammy Davis, Jr. Got Me to Work Today
Dear World’s Greatest Grandpa,
I find it hard to believe that there are 3,499 blogs out there that are better than yours. If Victor’s high school was anything like mine, than those bloggers consist mostly of people with mullets and flannel shirts. There’s not a whole lot to be jealous about. You should celebrate with a burrito.
My man loves the Young Ones. I just find it too gross and sad to be that funny. It hurts me a bit to watch it.
PS- I love you more than Dooce.
Wendy’s last blog post..Totoro Party #4- Totoro Cake
My feet smell like Zebra Stripe gum too. I KNEW there was a connection!
Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..John Says It Counts
I can ALMOST buy a value meal…but only take out. I can’t “dine in” at Micky D’s. The extra tax would break me.
Jaci’s last blog post..The Bullies at the Blog-ground
I love this conversation, even if half of it is totally misquoted. And I loved your twitter about it the other day also. Your twitters crack me up. (that’s a weird sentence)
I think you’re the best damn grandpa on the Internet!
Rhea’s last blog post..They will haunt me in my sleep
You really DO come up first if you search for hobo fingers on google. And then there is a link to a youtube video about a hobo eating a turn out of his fingers….yeah, i was afraid to click on it. But, I am sure that’s not related to your blog.
And I totally love you more than Dooce! Totally! (Yeah, just wanted to say Totally one more time! Really, I know it isn’t the 80’s anymore.)
… you mean you don’t have to kill bloggers to become popular? wait … I’m confused???
Oops, that was supposed to be eating a “turd” not turn.
I misquote my husband a lot only I call it “paraphrasing him” and when he calls me on it I remind him that the way I remember it was funnier.
Annie’s last blog post..John Cusack is the Song Lyric Inspiration for This Thursday
Oh, and how can your Technorati keep going up when most of the bloggers I know are complaining about their ranks dropping? I am not sure I can believe you when you say you did nothing nefarious.
Annie’s last blog post..John Cusack is the Song Lyric Inspiration for This Thursday
Can I just say, largely because I’m a pedant, that you misspelled “sophomoric” and I really expect more from the 3,500th best blogger in the world.
A Free Man’s last blog post..Smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school.
Who the hell reads the Huffington post anyway? Do you think they cover important topics like pulling kittens out of pockets and burrito purchasing amounts? No.
Tattooed Minivan Mom’s last blog post..I’d Walk A Mile For A…
Okay, now you’re at 3499. 20$ a piece, but it escalates to 20$ and a burrito for anyone in the top 100. And I’m not killing Dooce, I think she’d become more powerful if I did, and the world is f’d up enough as it is 😉
M@’s last blog post..Internet relationships
You’re number one in my book, baby. Number one. Or two. Sorry. I really like Dooce.
Kelly’s last blog post..It’s fall, y’all!
Kittens, zebra gum, burritos, all. in . one post. Come on, how are you not in the top 100 at least?
Steph’s last blog post..Dream Dinners
i went to the hockey game last night and since the home team scored 4 goals i get a free sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit this morning. suck on that.
furiousball’s last blog post..Wait… did I just make this little promotion for an up and coming band into money-shot metaphor?
Well at least he can remember who Dooce is. Anytime I mention Dooce, my husband goes “who?” and then promptly tunes me out again before I reply.
However, if he thought Dooce was a really cool sexual position he’s never tried before then I can tell you that every night I would hear “Hey, you wanna get Dooced”?
Betsey’s last blog post..There Is A Special Place In Heaven for Daycare Providers
Sayre’s last blog post..Fun Monday for October 27th
It might be dangerous to have married a man who has the ability to shut down your server.
Miss Grace’s last blog post..nutterbutterbetterchatter
Don’t forget, “more recognized/popular/profitable” and “better” have nothing to do with each other.
So there! 🙂
HellTygr’s last blog post..Ow! And a bit of WTF?
This sounds just like the conversations at my house. And I am so jealous-I can’t even afford the TOP ramen yet-just that generic noodle and chicken water crap.
derfina’s last blog post..All quacked up and no place to go
Well I’ve never even heard of the Huffington Post and I’m pretty sure you’re a household name, so that should count for something right?
Jen E @ mommablogsalot’s last blog post..Thursday Thunks: High In Fiber, Ickiness, Soapboxing & Speculation
Wait – Your husband invented the internet? So Victor is really Al Gore? Now who’se the Greatest Grandpa?
Mr Farty’s last blog post..Computer Terms Illustrated #8
Tell your husband to watch Primal Fear every time it comes on. It’s still got Edward Norton in it but way cooler then Rounders. Well maybe not cooler but just different and amazing in its own right.
In fact if Primal Fear comes on and I don’t watch it I feel like…well like you know that feeling when you just totally missed out on something good even though you’ve experienced it a bajillion times before. Like that.
WM’s last blog post..Don’t you hate it when people post about not posting? ***Updated
i am an analyst, and while i can’t say your blog is better than mine, i will say you talk about vaginas more. i tried talking about vaginas, but i didn’t have anything to say about them. i think i just ended the post by saying vaginas.
i want a curly straw for my wine.
Hey, at least you’re not a sell-out like those other bloggers. I mean, sure, you’re not making a lot of money but at least you’ve got your integrity.
…and some cross-dressing Lego guys.
…and you got to meet that scruffy dinosaur guy.
I have even more integrity. Last month, my blog earned (drum roll) $6.03! That’ll get me, what, half a burrito at a nice sit-down restaurant or maybe five really crappy fast-food burritos. Something like that. The blog/burrito exchange rate isn’t what it used to be.
Steve’s last blog post..Desktop
You are way funnier than Dooce and you don’t act like a fake plastic bitch either. BTW I read everyday and your comments are funny too 🙂
Ok, you are making those of us with inferior ratings feel very inadequate and suddenly needing to go out and get hair plugs and buy cute little flashy cars. Just because our numbers our less significant doesn’t mean they work any less well.
And then we weep into our burritos, which is getting beans all over our faces.
Annnnd now that kid on the bike is calling us “bean face”. Thanks.
anne nahm’s last blog post..This Happened Five Minutes Ago
So I TOTALLY had to check out my rank on Technorati, which… I’m like 1,900,000, so I am really closing in on you fast! I only have to kill enough bloggers to put me up there with Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, and all those other groovy hipsters. So I really like your blog and all, but um, watch yer back.
david’s last blog post..Merge Records Announces More Shows For Would Be Voters
Your feet smell like zebra stripe gum? Nummy. Yeah, that’s what left an impression on me from all of that. Zebra Stripe gum. Num.
jenboglass (steenkybee)’s last blog post..This Post Was Supposed to be About How I Wanted to End Memes, But Then a Really Cool Chick Tagged Me So I Chickened Out.
Victor doesn’t understand the craft and the skills that have to be honed. He’s just jealous.
KD @ A Bit Squirrelly’s last blog post..Thankful Thursdays: Simple Pleasures
This – was awesome.
My feet do smell like zebra stripe gum. Member that scene in The Legend of Zorro (the Antonio Banderas one) where the bad guy drinks water (it was water?) from the bowl with Zorro’s brother’s head floating in it?
(What the fuck was that all about anyway?)
But – back to me feet – when we watched that my husband said, “I’d drink your foot water.” I said, “Huh?” He said, “You take so many baths. They must be really clean. I’d drink your foot water.”
Some of us take whatever passes for romance and cling to it.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Tooths
OMFG – I sooooo loved The Young Ones. My mom would actually watch it with me… now there is a high shcool memory I can cherish forever. But then again we are talking my mom, who would imitate the Church Lady from SNL… hmmmmm suddenly I’m realizing the NUT did NOT fall far from the tree.
So that is what that fruity fresh smell is everytime I walk into your office…. hhmmm be careful you don’t attract fruit fly’s.
This is hilarious, and I laughed reading the entire thing. Cheers to being World’s Greatest Grandpa without even having all those generations under you!
I think you should cut off hubby’s pinky for your phone. He totally deserves it. But not until he gets the box wine and curly straw, oh and a new hat. Cuz, he might be a little pissed off at first, but he’ll totally(yay 80’s!) get over it.
damn italics code.
It’s always been my goal to be 3500th blogger. I keep killing and killing and killing, but I don’t seem to get any higher in the rankings. I have one of those Technorati rankings that they show using exponential notation 3.456E2342982, whatever the hell that means. Who the hell do I have to kill to move up in the blog world? Seriously, who? Is there some way to get a list from Technorati?
Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.
OK, I guess I should look up my Technorati rank too…
OK, so, it’s 4,978,471. That’s pretty bad. Doesn’t help that a lot of that rating is probably because of people stumbling onto my blog after googling “bondage made easy”.
Steve’s last blog post..Desktop
Technorati makes me weep.
And silently die a little inside.
I’m surprised I’m even ALLOWED to blog.
(You would totally clean up in a Blog Off.)
Lesley’s last blog post..Get Out Of Jail FREE! (Or For $41.00)
Dude! Zebra stripe gum? And I thought I had a foot fetish before I read this!
*nom nom nom*
Kristine’s last blog post..I suck!
Please dump Victor and marry me. I’ll give you hats and straws and burritos AND zebra stripe gum. If you’re not sick of zebra stripe gum, of course, which I guess you would be if you smell it all day long. But that would imply that you smell your feet all day long, which I don’t mean to imply, because I’m pretty sure you’d never do anything weird like that. Though it isn’t weird if you do it, because I can imagine that if my feet smelled as good as yours, I might strategically slip out of my shoes and let the zebra smells waft more often. But I wouldn’t really know how these things work because my feet smell like feet (I think), and I don’t even know what zebras stripe gum is. Which I should never have admitted because if my friend Danny is right that he’ll never marry a girl that’s never heard of A Tribe Called Quest, then there’s no way you’ll marry a guy that’s never heard of what’s probably the best gum ever invented. Man. Bummer. Tell Victor he wins for today. But I’ll try again…
Victor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Being number 3,500 on the whole internet is like being in the top ten of the whole world. (I didn’t do the math, but I’m pretty sure that’s right.)
The Introvert’s last blog post..redneckery
Ok, so I was excited when I was about 500,000 in technorati. Tell your husband to suck it–it’s the little victories in life! 🙂 (and pun is totally intended with victor/victories)
gingela5’s last blog post..I Really AM an Idiot…
Ok, and I meant ABOVE not about
gingela5’s last blog post..I Really AM an Idiot…
Watch me sleep my way to the top of the Technorati Blog rankings.
chiggins’s last blog post..Sweetness
I’m going to just say it, I’m the best blogger from my high school. Ever.
That title ad a $1.50 will get me on the bus. Since starting my blog all I’ve gotten is a new tranny (as in transmission)a hot wife and nothing else.
will betheboy’s last blog post..Doing Grown Up Things
Well, I only read a handful of blogs, so as far as I am concerned, you’re in my top ten!
Jessie’s last blog post..Giving up the Dream (House)
This sounds like a lot of conversations I have with my husband, but what comes out of his mouth mostly sounds like grunting, so admittedly the conversation is mostly in my head. Which is probably why I also write this blog: http://www.adivorcestory.wordpress.com
I also taught my 16 month old niece a new game. When I say, “Madison, what does Uncle Steve say?” she responds, “Blah, blah, blah” while mimicing talking with her hand. What? Inappropriate? Nah!
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Search Engine Terms – Bringing ya back for more
You’ve written drunk posts about dog life jackets? SO HAVE I!!
Wait, shit, that makes me at least # 2 in the Bloggers Who Write Drunk Posts About Dog Life Jackets category.
Jane’s last blog post..Chicago by Motorcycle
There really is no end to your awesomeness. I loooove The Mighty Boosh. Bouncy, Bouncy…oh such a good time. Bouncy, Bouncy…shoes all in a line. I was so excited when I found out my nephew was having a bounce house at his birthday party so that I could sing that song.
You’re selling yourself short when you say, “If there was a filter to look at just analysts who blog about dismembered hobo fingers I’d totally be in the top 100.” I know you’d be #1. The mug should be #1 dismembered hobo-finger blogger. It’ll have to be a big mug.
patois’s last blog post..What Shade Are You?
I think you should get Victor a mug that says “Husband of the Worlds Greatest Grandpa”
That’ll teach him.
Summer’s last blog post..Walking for boobies
Yeah. My life pretty much revolves around me sitting on the couch laughing my ass off over some tv show while my husband looks at me like I’m insane. The Mighty Boosh? Flight of the Conchords? Curb your enthusiasm? You’re dead inside if you don’t find that shit funny.
This is why I never comment on your blog: because I can only think of super-intelligent things to say, like:
DUDE. You crack me up.
I was just YouTubing The Young Ones last week.
Seriously, I think I love you.
Sheeeyit. Victor’s from Midland?
Mmmm… zebra stripe gum.
So aren’t you glad I never comment on your blog? Yeah.
mrs. f5’s last blog post..Back to school
OK, I admit it… I am Victor’s blog identity.
OK, maybe not, I am more like his lesser talented absorbed twin from Stephen King’s “The Dark Half.”
Houston’s last blog post..Terminator
Your awesomeness is definitely starting to exceed whatever the previous awesomeness limit was. Seriously.
However, I must point out something: a “shitload” of burritos isn’t really very descriptive since even one is typically a shitload…
Neil, Neil, orange peel!
Bloggess, Two questions:
1. Can I smell your feet? I love Zebra Stripe gum! Is it still around?
2. What type of burritos are you talking about? If it’s Taco Bell, then oh. If it’s the $6 burritos from Chipotle, then I’m impressed with your blog earning power.
Daddy Dan’s last blog post..Is It Time For Us All To Give Up Our Blogs?
1. You can’t smell my feet because I keep them in ziploc bags to protect the freshness but yes, they totally still made Zebra stripe gum and it’s just as awesome as it used to be.
2. Chipotle. With extra guac. But I can’t afford meat yet. I feel pretty confident though that within the next 8-10 years I will though.
If he also listens to Billy Bragg obsessively while drinking that boxed wine with a curly straw, I would wager to say that our husband is the same man. Two timing rat. You’re totally getting all the booty, aren’t you? I’m just getting the crusty socks.
Mr Lady’s last blog post..For Every Action
DUDE! My husband is OBSESSED with Rounders, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. It’s terrible.
Also, I think Victor just gets all snippy because somewhere in his brain, he’s finally accepted that Obama’s probably going to win, and he’s just taking out his aggression on you, because he knows you ain’t goin nowhere.
ali’s last blog post..Regarding Web Searches and Nomenclature
How can your husband bear to even think of high school? 9th-12th? It gave me that illness Sybil and Billy had.
In OKC, OK 9th grade was the top of the heap in junior high. In Edmond, OK, 10th grade was the bottom of the heap in high school. In NoCal 11th grade was the bottom of the heap after the Great Escape from OK and 12th grade included the Great Depression before the Great Escape into community college. All doomed to be forgotten at any cost!
I think Victor should consider seeing an analyst…
If, as Sartre said, “L’enfer c’est les autres.”, then you make Hell a great place to visit!
La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Tuesday’s Test…
I was voted “Most likely to not use whatever college degree she graduates with”.
Is that comment in any way appropriate to your post? I have no freaking idea and now I want a burrito.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Using my laziness for good, not evil
And Technorati? I don’t gets it and I never will.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Using my laziness for good, not evil
Misquoting those who live with you and mock your internet use is part of blogging. If he were really Dooce he would have taken a video of you eating a burrito and explained each bite step by step. And gotten 2,982 comments about how amazing it was.
OMgosh… I am cracking up so hard… I’m scaring the kids!
Now… I gotta go find where you twitter…
my day is blown anyway! What the heck… This is SO much more fun than dishes and laundry…
kimber’s last blog post..For All My “One Issue” Friends…
He doesn’t seem to realize that it’s your blog, so it’s your reality.
Hypothetically, if you take out the blogger at let’s say 3500, do you swap spots or merely move up one place?
Jim’s last blog post..I’ve moved
Victor started off on a good analogy but he stopped too soon. Victor, yes it is like only one city is full of the best bloggers, but it is the coolest city in the world full of unicorns who crap rainbows, and when you are just walking down the street people give you shit like finger toothbrushes and burrito money, and you are allowed to live there because The Bloggess is so good! Other people die trying to cross the border into that city every day–or maybe Jenny kills them. Any way, lucky you!
(I’ve been meaning to tell you to use one of those finger toothbrushes on your hobo fingers to freshen them up before letting the touch your screen.)
Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..She owes me big time
God I love Zebra Stripe gum.
blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..In Which I Develop a Conscience and Then Share a Funny Story. Or, The Joys of Fake Poo
As usual, I feel out of it. I have to google zebra stripe gum. And, by the way, you are my favorite Grampa.
Neil’s last blog post..Blaming Others for My Cold
Man when was the last time I had Zebra Striped gum?
Jo~Jo’s last blog post..I’d Walk a Mile for another Thousand Word Thursday
Why don’t you change your name (blog name, not legal name) to “The Bloggess brought to you by Chipotle”.
I’m sure they’d supplement the price of at least half of your burritos then. Or at minimum give you a free soda with purchase.
Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..Nothing to write? Post a survey!
I think I’m going to start insisting that my husband refer to me as “my wife.”
And that he buy me more hats. Or rather A hat. I don’t wear hats, actually. I have a rather large head. But it would still be nice if he purchased me a hat. It is the thought that counts…unless his thought is to mock my large head.
Kerrie’s last blog post..I Think I Need A Pimp
If your feet smell like Fruit Stripe then they lose their flavor in the first thirty seconds. 🙁
the slackmistress’s last blog post..Back to the Future.
Midland has the Internet? Watch out, Euless!
always home and uncool’s last blog post..Detox or Die Trying
I’m pretty sure Victor is my button-pushing hero. If I started mocking my wife’s Technorati rating I’m pretty sure I’d soon be missing both ma arms. Or even another pair of body parts.
That’s right, I’m talking about earlobelessness.
cyniclite’s last blog post..True Tales of Pregnancy RAAAAAGE!!!!!!!
I’m bitch-smacking Victor across the web for you…
tracey’s last blog post..…Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock….
I liked it Better when Vivian held the Pint Glass out the window and brought it back in and declared..”It’s pissing out Now.”
But, ‘University Challenge’ it the best.
My feet smell like that TeaBerry Gum.
cIII’s last blog post..Gypsy Summer, Cont.
i’m pretty sure i actually lost money due to my blog…
biddy’s last blog post..slacker, yeah that’s me
Yet you still can’t figure out how to log in and listen to our radio show? That’s something that only top 1,000 blogs can do.
Avitable’s last blog post..I’m home! And now it’s time for a story about a toilet.
Wait. You’re married to a mythical hobbit? What? I’m super confused now.
I love this post because it’s kinda like a sequel to the first one of yours I ever read. Way back then, you were like 4986 or something. This numbers much better… a lot less senseless murdering. I’m still at Stalin like numbers myself, but pretty soon I hope to be at a nice healthy serial killer/action hero munchable chunk.
Have a great day, and thanks for throwing down your words so well.
Writer Dad’s last blog post..At Least I Don’t Have Zits
OMG. HAHAHAHAHA! Your consistently hilarious blog seriously brightens my life. Your husband sounds like your one-in-a-million other half. The only time I have dialogues like this one are when its between my right brain and my left. And then I just convince myself I’m a total kook. Which I am.
Sally’s last blog post..Well,
mmmm.. zebra stripe gum.. so awesome.
huh? oh yeah.. your feet totally smell like zebra stripe gum. i know. i smelled them last night. while you were sleeping.
ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..MxPx – Responsibility
You are so not the world’s 3500th best grandpa! You’re, like, the best damned grandpa ever!! You should get that on a cup. Or, you know, something else that makes slightly more sense. Like “Zebra Stripe Gum Feet”. ‘Cause everyone will get that.
Trish’s last blog post..More than words
Boxed wine and curly straws.
Definitely the fastest way into MY pants.
And shame on you for getting all these people to say Zebra Stripe Gum. His name was Yipes.
i love you.
i dont make anything off my blog because i’m too lazy to figure out how.
but luckily, i dont eat burritos.
katie’s last blog post..sicktastic
Hey, as one of the people who only exist in the Internet – I am super impressed.
And also think that you should buy me a burrito.
Do they make low carb burritos?
Miss Britt’s last blog post..Will you be going with slutty or skanky this year?
i love the young ones. these are my favourite quotes from the young ones.
NEIL – I won’t say anything cos no-one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
VYVYAN: Could I borrow a cup of sugar please?
Neighbour: Another one? How many’s that you’ve had? You’ll rot your teeth you know.
VYVYAN: Yeah, I was a bit worried about that, so I had all mine kicked out before I came round. These are Neil’s.
RICK: Neil, is it really necessary to have the light on when you’re in the bath?
NEIL: Well… yeah!
RICK: Why, what are you planning to do, photosynthesise?
MIKE: Look, Rick, we’re all completely broke, so we’ve got to make sacrifices. I myself have generously donated my used tissue collection. And Vyvyan has burned everything Neil owns.
BALOWSKI: [To Neil] All right, mate, all right. I’ll tell you something. I’ve got war tatooed on this hand, and I’ve got peace tattooed on this hand, [Neil makes peace sign] and I’ve got the Brothers Karazomov tattooed down me spine. Except you can’t see that cause I’ve got me shirt on.
NEIL: Isn’t it painful?
BALOWSKI: No, it’s polyester and cotton.
NEIL: No, I mean having tattoos?
BALOWSKI: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, God bless you, nah. It’s not painful. It’s just like having red hot needles under your skin.
NEIL: I once wrote the shopping list on the back of my hand, you know, it was, like, a really stupid thing to do.
BALOWSKI: Why’s that?
NEIL: It was half day closing.
BALOWSKI: …are you a virgin?
NEIL: [Panicking] No, no!
BALOWSKI: I’m not really asking, I’m just using it as a sort of general term of abuse.
by mentioning theYoung Ones you have pretty much made it impossible for me to ever stop cyberfollowing you. well until I die.
always,buddy’s last blog post..The Shema in English
Wait! Hold up!! If you are the worlds greatest grampa then Victor sleeps with men… really….. REALLY….. OLD MEN!
Who is eating the “burrito” now?? So “burrito” is really code word for… and worse yet he makes you pay for it. So not only are you the worlds greatest grampa – you are the worlds greatest sugar daddy! That should move you up at least to the top 1000 right?
You need to let go of your Technorati rank obsession and spend more time workin’ the customer of the year award at the burrito joint.
Carolyn Online’s last blog post..We’re gettin’ the band back together.
Victor = dooce?? Whoa. Can you please tell him/her he/she owes me a gift that he/she said he/she would send me for helping name his/her friend’s dog ‘Basie’? Thanks! ‘Cause it’s been like, over a month. Not complaining! Just, you know, want a gift from Victor/dooce. So I can blog about it. You know?
goodfather’s last blog post..Pulling the plug
If the entire city of Midland had blogs, there would be that many more pictures of kittens and American flags and frightened old people sitting atop flat flat nothingness for the whole internet to look at, and then everyone could know the evil that is Midland.
Holmes’s last blog post..365 # 100: Aaron T.
I’m nominating the phrase “shitload of burritos” for the Pulitzer Prize in the “Most Accurate Description of Mexican Food” category. Then I’m forming a musical duo and naming it Box Wine & Curly Straw. Box Wine & Curly Straw will headline a nationwide tour of nursing homes in search of the World’s Greatest Grampa. If any of the grampas we encounter happen to be among the top 3500 bloggers, they’ll be immediately disqualified (and possibly poisoned, but that would be completely coincidental and have nothing to do with the white powder Curly Straw and/or Box Wine will have sprinkled on their lime jello).
Then I’ll send you a new hat as my way of saying “thanks” for inspiring all these great ideas.
Don’t count on the hat arriving any time soon.
I made a whopping ZERO dollars from my blog, so, like, I think you’re cool for being able to pay for your burrito addiction with the monies made from your blog.
PS. Your conversation with Victor is like the conversations I have with my husband. Except I don’t actually think I even made a blip on Technorati.
Monkeytoemomma’s last blog post..Squirrely Mail
You’re better than Dooce.
number eleventy billion four thousand sixty three.7 on technorati
well read hostess’s last blog post..Virtual Valium
You kill me girl..Hahahahahahahahaha!! I can’t even think of what else to write right now..so much for being comment of the week..
ps. i thought my husband was the only one who loves Rounders. I hate that freakin movie with a passion.
pps. Ok, I thought of something else. I love me some burritos cuz then I can let out some whoppin farts in bed…cuz my husband loves that.
ppps. then I can go smell up the bathroom after that so when he gets up in the middle of the night he gets some whafty burrito air..cuz he loves that even more.
Robin @ Party of Five’s last blog post..I’m Sick..Guess Who Made Me Sick..He Feels Guilty Though..Good.
Dude I am in the 250,000s or something, and I made more than I spent on burritos! Just how many burritos do you eat?
anna’s last blog post..Fourth Bimonthly ABDPBT Sucky Sweepstakes! Win a $100 American Express Gift Card!
The sad thing is, I’m not anywhere near as cool as you, so if I could drink from that supposedly humiliating mug (without feeling like a fraud, of course), it would taste like nirvana itself. I think. Or maybe just like zebra stripe gum.
Either way, thumbs up, right?
LiteralDan’s last blog post..Given the economy, Santa may soon call in lots of “loans”
Young Ones? Tell me you love Monty Python and Pulp Fiction (which to me is the funniest movie on the earth) and I will totally marry you. But we will need to have a Gimp guy. Cause sometimes you need a man. To take the abuse and take out the trash.
Kelley’s last blog post..Found on Boo’s computer.
What’d you say? Something about hobbits?
Also: you need to have private advertisers. After I shank those blogher folks you won’t get any burrito money, so listen up.
THIS IS ALMOST LIKE A RANSOM NOTE. In a way.
I speak truth.
Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Believe
blogging for buritos. somebody oughta use that.
phd in yogurtry’s last blog post..wtf? or, wherefore art thou, comment prompt?
ROTF! Your posts knock my sawks off. LOVE!
I had a convo similar to this with Aftermath, but it revolved around stealth ninja and his talents included stealing a shell from a turtle without making a sound…
Double Agent Girl’s last blog post..Photography Thursday
Wait. Hold on. You make money blogging?!?! Shit. I blog “for the fun of it.” What does a girl have to do to start earning her burrito allowance?
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: The Cuckoo Clock
I must confess that sometimes I, too, will sit up in bed at night, sniff the air, and pray that what I’m smelling is Edward Norton, coming to confess his love for me. Alas, my husband probably just christened the air, and God help me, I have to believe Edward Norton smells better than that.
for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..‘i know this much is true…’
Blogher didn’t even mail my check last month because it was too small to send. But next month, I could totally buy you two burritos if you wanted.
I acknowledge your greatness. Pretend I did so with flair and wit.
Whit’s last blog post..When Boys Fly
i always love the conversations you two have 🙂 bonus points for being a young ones fan, i so loved that show. you have such excellent taste.
piglet’s last blog post..my head is about to explode just thinking about this
I loved The Young Ones!
I’m still caught up in Midland. As in Midland, Texas? During the bust or boom?
Midland Texas. During the bust.
Consider yourself fortunate. My husband feels the need to watch Tremors, and Tremors is always on.
I have plenty of new hats for you. I would feel honored to have one of my hats on your head, your Highness.
Emily’s last blog post..A Few Quick Pics
Please tell your husband that Al Gore invented the internet. DUH. And that Google owns it. Which relegates Viuctor to “not qualified to comment on internet-related matters”. Clearly he should just shut up and go buy you a burrito.
Cat’s last blog post..The Trouble With Smoking
Dude. You’re in the top 3,500? I think that maybe I’m in the top 250,000. So, hey. YOU’VE AT LEAST GOT SOMETHING ON ME.
chirky’s last blog post..Raising the Bar
I made $20 and I’m in the technorati sub floor, so I cry BS: Burrito Swindle.
that girl’s last blog post..Giving it away like a cheap prom dress…
zebra stripe gum is for prison rapists; everyone knows that.
muskrat’s last blog post..a few of my favorite mistakes
My husband is scared to talk to me for fear of what will go up on the blog. What can I say, I have to please my fans, all one of them.
shonda’s last blog post..8 Mavericky Ways to Stress Free Parenting
All of that, and yet… he still lives.
That is what they mean by ‘true love’.
Ed T.’s last blog post..Political hooliganism
“This is as close as you can get to Baileys without your eyes getting wet.”
I think I showed up on Technorati once.
Wanda’s last blog post..Wanda has voted.
I’m sure your rephrasing of his words & thoughts are 100% accurate.
Chris Wood’s last blog post..Is This The Definition Of Too Much Time On Your Hands?
Those pocket kittens are ATTACHED TO YOUR ROD, MOTHER LICKER.
Natalie’s last blog post..To my stubborn future child
You leave me breathless.
Granted, it is burrito breath, but I’m there.
Lianne’s last blog post..Music and one of those moments
You’re an analyst? Huh, who knew. Oh, and Fruit Stripe gum…best gum ever for 3.2 chews. Then it tastes like silly putty.
I love The Young Ones!!
groovehouse’s last blog post..Paper Zombies
Wait ’til Dooce finds out that Victor is really Dooce.
I want my feet to smell like fruit stripe gum!
baltimoregal’s last blog post..B-More Dog!
I’m in Midland. (Currently boom, btw) I blog. I don’t think Technorati even knows who I am, which is fine, because if they did, then I’d have to fend off the paparazzi like you do.
Also, seriously? Where do you get your burritos? ‘Cause I pay $1.09 for mine at Rosa’s and that is one tortilla wrapped yummy goodness!
Heather’s last blog post..So? I’m snarky.
*BANG* Okay, now you’re at 3499. 20$ a piece, but it escalates to 20$ and a burrito for anyone in the top 100
This is beginning to sound like a take-off on Pulp Fiction. Hired killers knocking off Jenny’s blog competition so she can get more burritos.
“And in Lisbon, you can buy beer in Taco Bell. You know what they call a Gordita in Lisbon?”
“They don’t call it a Gordita.”
“No, man, that means ‘lard-ass’ or something in Portuguese.”
“What do they call it?”
“They call it a Durango.”
“What do they call a burrito?
“Burrito’s a burrito, but they call it O Burrito.”
“O Burrito. What do they call a Muchaco?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t go into Taco Beuno.”
Steve’s last blog post..iTunes Gl*tch Ov*r-C*ns*rs S*ng T*tles
I’m made $17.47 since February. I could probably have bought a burrito with that…
I wasn’t even sure what Technorati was, but now I know that I’m ranked 832,158. I don’t have time to kill all those people, I guess I’ll just have to hire someone.
Eternal Sunshine’s last blog post..Opposites, wondering and musings…
um, yeah, i believe you stole the whole “box wine” idea from me. point goes to you though for adding the curly straw.
damn it–why didn’t i think of that. curse you burrito bloggess.
i’ll get you yet.
signed, your cowtipping partner in fort worth.
shauna’s last blog post..that karma, she’s a bitch
I love Rounders!
claire’s last blog post..Transvestites and Trip Wires
I totally want to make you a “3,500th best blogger” mug now.
Personally, I don’t think a woman could ever misquote a man because we always know what they are thinking. I mean, really, there are very few things it could be. Right?
I’m going now to Techno-Fav you — we need to get you at least to “3499th best blogger” — that’ll show him!
AngieSS’s last blog post..I Hate…
I’m not worthy…
But can I have a burrito?
Holly Jahangiri’s last blog post..Midnight Approaches
Your blog is number one in my top-ten list. But mostly because I only read three blogs, and one of them is my own. So actually THAT one’s number one. Sorry. Grrr … ok, dammit, MY blog is number THREE. Are you happy? I bet you are. You and your number one and some guy who’s nailed down the perfect timing for inserting the phrase “pants weasel” is number two and I’m only lousy number three. Which, by the way, is so lowly it isn’t even used as a euphemism for a bodily function. So enjoy your precious number one spot, lady, because one day I’m going to walk up to you on the street and go number three all over you and YOU’LL say “double-u-tee-eff, dude? What was that?” And I’ll say, “Pants weasel!” Because I think that might be the right timing for it.
Hey, I would like a new hat too. Come to think of it, a new hat WITH a curly straw would be awesome. Kind of like one of those hats with flowers that you see ladies at derbys wear but with a curly straw instead of the flower. Then it could be all postmodern and cool. Or totally insane. But sometimes that’s the same thing. At least it is here in Bloggessland, right?
Elisa’s last blog post..Cool finds of the month: October 2008
I just came here to say if you liked the young ones you’ll love bottom. That is all.
Burrito money is a good a reason to blog as any, in my book.
Nora Bee’s last blog post..Octoberangst
I read it as “doggie-style life jackets” three times before realising that isn’t what you wrote. I mean who doesn’t have a life preserver for doggie-style? Puh-lease.
deidre’s last blog post..One way to anger me
Not only have you met Dooce, but Dooce is AFRAID of you, which rocks even harder than being the World’s 3500th Greatest Grandpa.
Suebob’s last blog post..A great idea from Chuck Westbrook’s Blog
I feel compelled to tell you that I do a wicked Rick impersonation. The whole hands on hips thing and kind of jutted forward. I even make the face.
I know. You love me even more now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you called me the second you read this comment and were all, “Fuck Victor. Marry me”.
Tootsie Farklepants’s last blog post..The Answer to Victoria’s Secret: Vicki is Rich
P.s. I’m suddenly in the mood for lentils.
Tootsie Farklepants’s last blog post..The Answer to Victoria’s Secret: Vicki is Rich
goddammit I’ve missed Jenny the B and now I’m over here reading for once and I’m the 140somethingth commentator so she won’t even realize how much I love burritos and aspire to have a burrito-supporting blog someday. I haven’t had a burrito in like 6 months … they aren’t so big out here in the French hinterlands.
Jenny, how much would I have to pay you to mail me a burrito? express, of course.
Kimberlee’s last blog post..my newly reignited love affair with belts.
Victor didn’t invent the Internet !
Everyone knows that Al Gore did.
Was my name mentioned on Technorati by any chance?
I didn’t think so. I don’t even know what Technorati is. Sounds like some kind of foot fungus to me.
SwampWitch’s last blog post..Happy Weekend
Hey, I’d be happy about the nonstop Rounders marathons if I were you because having Matt Damon in the room all the time = awesome.
PPS – the phrase “a shitload of burritos” may be just a bit TOO appropriate, if you know what I mean…
kittenpie’s last blog post..State of the Infant Address
Well you are my #1 blog if that counts for anything! Victor is hilarious.
Shoegirl’s last blog post..Some People are Deranged and Evil
Lucky. Technorati apparently hates ME. I am currently plotting my bloody revenge.
Kevin Tumlinson’s last blog post..Twitter. Because I don’t have enough crap to do.
Not that I’m above you on Technorati (ha! yeah right!) but if you *had* to kill me for the sake of professional/creative advancement, I really wouldn’t complain this week.
ali’s last blog post..New post over at Yum Yum
I totally want to make you a “3,500th best blogger” mug now.
Just get yourself one of these hand dandy “The World’s ______th Greatest ______!” mugs and a Sharpie: http://www.cafepress.com/nthgreatest. Problem solved.
Steve’s last blog post..iTunes Gl*tch Ov*r-C*ns*rs S*ng T*tles
At least you made enough to fund burritos. I mean, that is a currency I can get behind.
shonda’s last blog post..The Offspring Rising Has Conquered the Internet: BOOBY DUTY EDITION
You MAKE money from your blog? DAMN! I’ve been paying people to read mine. That’s why my readership is so low. I’m broke.
zenmomma’s last blog post..Saturday Night Five
Do you actually read all of your comments? Because, like reading 100 + comments could really suck some time out of your day.
And you should *definitely make at least enough to buy a beer with your burritos if it’s going to take up that much time.
I used to like Zebra striped gum. NOw, not so much, I *like the icy minty kind. I wonder how that would smell on feet?
If I actually *had something like technorati, it would be embarrassing. like maybe 13 people actually read me. And only 3 or 4 ever comment. (You made 5, so thsnk you) 🙂
Love your blog.
kristin’s last blog post..I’m blushing here
I *totally* read all my comments. But I only respond to those asking questions because I’m totally intimidated in my own comment section which I realize is completely pathetic.
my husband has developed a 6th sense to tell him when “how it’s made” is on. At first i was cool with it because it seemed interesting but after watching them make pantyhose 643 times I feel nothing but blinding rage whenever i hear the theme song
fidget’s last blog post..The way we were
I just clicked your sidebar ad because I feel bad about the burrito thing.
Judy’s last blog post..My Sense of Humor is so Juvenile
I just clicked your sidebar ad too. Hope it helps.
I just feel loads of honor at being on the blogroll of one of the 3500 best bloggers. It’s all about the nomination, baby. And, I’m so glad Victor thinks he could be #1. I would love to see him try and take you on for real.
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Parental Sexism?
You’re the only blogger I read. Well, I go to your other site and read some of the people there, but you’re what gets me to the Chron. And strangely enough, I found you there first. 🙂 So, in Jessirati, you’re first!
It’s common knowledge that nothing exists until you put it writing. Victor should thank you for preserving his existence on the internet. If not, he could start disappearing like those kids in The Neverending Story.
Girl Friday’s last blog post..If you must, take this as my solemn vow that I will never blog about anything serious again.
My kids always threaten to “Twitter” our conversations… losers
Mariah’s last blog post..Wow, THAT Was Fun
I think you need to teach Victor about who is in charge by putting your waffle in the butter again.
I’m ranked 4,702,426. While I would love to kill off everyone ahead of me, I’m pretty sure that’s a lot of cool people ahead of me, including you. I would totally spare you, though. I’d settle for number 2 if you were number 1. Then we could be anemic and murderous together. Woot!
Shutter Bitch’s last blog post..Cookie Monster
Oooh girl! I love me some Teddy KGB!
3boys1mommy’s last blog post..Uncomfortable Moments From The Dentist Chair, No Drill Required
I love Young Ones.
Oh, wait. You were talking about a movie, weren’t you?
A number of things for the record:
I was immediately impressed with (and jealous of) your Top 3500 placement.
My husband would lose many very pleasant favors [the fabled Magna Carta technique included] if he compared me to World’s Greatest Grampa.
I love Edward Norton dearly but still could not bring myself to watch “Rounders” constantly.
If my blog made any money at all, I would also buy more burritos.
You are a rock star in my mind.
stephanie (bad mom)’s last blog post..love fest
Have I told you lately that I love you?
((resisting the desire to follow with… Have I told you there is no one else above you!))
Watch out!! I’m quickly moving up the Technorati ladder! I did the math and I’m in the top 96%.
I think there are a few small countries of people in front of me.
Congrats on the top 3500!
Kirsten’s last blog post..There’s a Surprise in the Bag!
Just heard you on the pod-cast. GREAT Job!!
Dana (The Homesteading Housewife)’s last blog post..Loaded Texas-Style
Thanks! I’m totally like jello now.
Funny. I’ve always thought of you more as the whipped cream.
I totally want a burrito now….
And that comment of the day? CLASSIC. You have to get that mug!!!
Hilarious. I printed this out and used it as writing class homework! We were supposed to write down our favorite dialoge we heard in the past week, I chose this as the conversation I “overheard”….
Andi’s last blog post..What’s on Your Night Stand – Oct
First of all, I must congratulate you in finally putting the words in your husband’s mouth that The Young Ones are one of the best to come out of the UK. Not that I would try to channel my inner Vivan by donning an old jean jacket with a painted anarchy symbol on the back for a charity Halloween pet parade this weekend and make my dog wear his namesake Ramones banadana (named after their song Blitzkrieg Bop) or anything like that…
Condo Blues’s last blog post..Halloween Porch Décor: Make a Witches Parking Sign
So, stalker style, I’ve been reading your older posts (pretty much just by jumping around from the different links in the posts or by clicking on a tag) (I’m currently reading the “conversations” tag…and I’ve been doing this for EIGHT HOURS. That’s fucking devotion, man!). Anyways, I have to comment on this, even though it’s from 2008 and therefore irrelevant, but I don’t care. You watch The Young Ones! More proof that we are either long lost sisters or hetero soulmates. I hope in another post I’ll discover that you also watch Bottom.
I’m confused. So it was Victor that invented the internet, not Al Gore? Well spank me and call me Ruby! Who knew?
Remember the episode where the hippy is sneezing so much they put a bag over his head?
P.S. I initially read ‘misquoted’ as ‘[you] may have mosquitoed him’.
Let’s face it, it *does* sound like something you’d say…