Victor: Huh. Do you know how many people were in my high school? Like…2,000. So basically you could fill my whole high school with bloggers who are better than you. TWO high schools, even. Like if the entire city of Midland had blogs you wouldn’t be as good as any of those people.
Me: It’s a little impressive.
Victor: Yeah. It’s like World’s Greatest Grampa. Except you’re like the world’s 3,500th greatest grampa. And you’re not even a grampa. Congratulations.
Me: Yeah, but a bunch of those 3,500 blogs are big companies who have a writing staff and don’t just write drunken posts about ninjas and sasquatch and doggie life-jackets after they get home from being an analyst all damn day. If there was a filter to look at just analysts who blog about dismembered hobo fingers I’d totally be in the top 100. Obviously you’re just jealous.
Victor: I’m not jealous. If I was a blogger I’d be number one, baby. Hide and watch!
Me: You are totally insane.
Victor: Hide… And watch.
Me: What does that even mean?!
Victor: It’s a blog-off. And I’m winning.
Me: You aren’t even blogging!
Victor: You don’t know that. If I spent as much time fucking around on the internet as you do I would have invented it.
Me: That doesn’t even make sense.
Victor: Dude. If I spent as much time on the internet as you do I would own the goddamn internet.
Me: Yeah but that’s not what you said. You said you’d have invented it.
Victor: I meant “owned”. I said “owned”.
Me: You said “invented” and I’m totally going to twitter it right now.
Victor: Whatever. Your word against mine, lady.
Me: You don’t twitter! You don’t have a word!
Victor: That you know of, World’s Greatest Grampa. It’s going to be a pretty upsetting day for you when you find out I’m actually Dooce.
Me: I’ve met Dooce.
Victor: Well then.
Me: You know, this doesn’t even matter because technically in my world of people-who-only-exist-on-the-internet my word is the only one that matters and I could pretty much make you say anything and you couldn’t do anything about it.
Victor: You know what we should do? We should go down to the mall and make you a “World’s Greatest Grampa” mug but then we’ll scratch it out and change it to words to “World’s 3,500th Greatest Blogger”. That would be awesome. You know, you are totally right, as always, and I only say these things because I’m in awe of you and you have great hair and your feet smell like zebra stripe gum. And also I love it when you use apostrophes the wrong way and break your blog and I have to spend all night fixing it. And I’ve decided that I’m never going to make you watch “Rounders” again even though I have some sort of sick compulsion to watch every damn time it’s on TV which is so bad that sometimes I’ll sit up in bed in the middle of the night and sniff the air and say “Rounders is on somewhere” and then I click through all the stations to see if it’s playing and it usually is and I make you watch it again. No more of that, my bride. Instead we’ll watch your DVD of The Young Ones and I’ll actually laugh and not roll my eyes like you’re an idiot for thinking it’s hysterical because that part where the hippie pulls all those kittens out of his pocket and says “It’s raining cats and dogs out there”? That was actually very funny and not at all sophomoric and idiotic like I implied. You know what you need right now? More box wine. And a curly straw. And a new hat.
Me: Actually I’d love a new hat.
Victor: What the fuck are you talking about?
Me: Oh nothing.
PS. Victor threatened to shut down my server if I didn’t admit that I may have misquoted him here but I’m pretty sure I’m writing what’s in his heart so it totally counts.
PPS. That title is actually incorrect because this month I spent more money on burritos than I made from blogging, but to be honest I buy a shitload of burritos.
PPPS. I couldn’t actually find a youtube clip of the Young Ones guy pulling the kittens out of his pockets so instead I just linked to The Mighty Boosh which is awesome but not related to the Young Ones at all and is a perfect example of the kind of shoddy blogging that probably never happens at The Huffington Post.
Comment of the day: I think you should get Victor a mug that says “Husband of the World’s Greatest Grandpa” ~ Summer