Sperm: Apparently squirrels can’t get enough of the stuff

So on my last post I was celebrating the fact that I’m practically the 3,500th best blogger in the world and I got a comment from A Free Man who said:

 “Can I just say, largely because I’m a pedant, that you misspelled ‘sophomoric’ and I really expect more from the 3,500th best blogger in the world.”

So I asked my coworker (Tracy) how to spell “sophmoric” and he totally spelled it the same way I do and I was all “This child molester thinks it has another ‘o’ in it” and Tracy was all “Child molester?” and I was like “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what ‘pedant’ means.”   But then I pulled up the dictionary and it turns out I’d confused “pedant” with “pederast” and also that I’ve been spelling sophomoric wrong my entire fucking life.  Then Tracy was like, “Back up, did that just say ‘spermobile’?” and I was totally not falling for it but he insisted that it said “spermobile” on the dictionary’s list of similar words.   So then I clicked back and it turns out that it didn’t say “spermobile” because that word doesn’t actually exist (although if it did it’d probably look like the Oscar Meyer Wiener truck) and that the word he’d actually seen was “spermophile“, which was kind of even more unsettling.

Apparently it literally means “sperma lover”, which was mystifying enough by itself but apparently Webster’s thought, “Oh we can make this even more fucked up” because right underneath it they wrote: “GROUND SQUIRREL”.  Which, first of all…what the fuck?  And secondly…why is it in caps?

I mean, technically the word “sperm” is interchangeable with “seed” and I guess squirrels like seeds but it doesn’t change the fact that this is both fucked up and also pretty much the best word ever invented because now if I have to call someone a filthy whore I can just be like “You are a humungous ground squirrel!” and they’d probably be too baffled to knife me.  Unless they went home and looked up the definition for “ground squirrel“.  Then I’m totally fucked.

Comment of the day:   I totally knew how to spell sophomoric, but I didn’t know that it’s been ground squirrels making me sleep in that wet spot at night. ~Twenty Four at Heart

144 thoughts on “Sperm: Apparently squirrels can’t get enough of the stuff

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Just when I was ready to write this off as officially the worst pi star ampersand day EVER, you totally bring your Bloggessy goodness and salvage the whole damn thing. Bonus? I’m so ragging KD @ A Bit Squirrelly about her sperm-loving ways from now on.

    WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Indoctrination

  2. I knew a guy in high school who had a spermoblie, and he was always acting sophormoric. Come to think of it, he was always grabbing his nuts. I think ground squirrel would apply to him as well.

  3. lololololol. I am laughing my (considerable) derriere off here.
    Which, come to think of it, might be the answer to my chocolate problem, but would give me considerable wardrobe problems, not to mention that the rest of my family is asleep. It is a school night, you know.

    Anyway, where do you come up with this stuff?

    I will never be able to watch the squirrels in my yard the same way again.

    And can you imagine if I’m running them off from the bird feeder, and I yell, “Go away, you spermophiles!”, and my daughter repeats that at school, what kind of trouble I will be in?

    kristin’s last blog post..Just Do It!

  4. I can’t believe blogher won’t run their ads on my vagina site but you can go all spermophilia and they hang with you. Even though you’re the 3500th best blogger on planet earth, it’s still total bullshit. I’m getting pissed just typing about it. I’m totally smashing these letters. I’m so pissed!

    !!!

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Dragon

  5. Here in the country people call chipmunks ground squirrels. I have no idea why and when I was I kid I thought a ground squirrel was some exotic animal. (then one day a chipmunk ran by and someone said “hey – a ground squirrel!”)

  6. I’m totally going to use Spermophile the next time I want to call someone a really bad word, and then when they get offended I can say, “Haha, you uneducated loser, I just called you a ground squirrel, what are you all up in arms about?!”

    Spermophile would also be a great name for a band.

    Kat’s last blog post..I Drive My Kid Crazy

  7. Well, it seems that your spelling is flawless today. There may be an issue with “coworker” versus “co-worker”, but let’s let that slide. In celebration, I would like to quote a movie that I believe you to be a fan of as well:

    The Dude: Fuckin’ Quintana… that creep can roll, man.
    Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he’s a pervert, Dude.
    The Dude: Yeah.
    Walter Sobchak: No, he’s a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.
    The Dude: Oh!
    Walter Sobchak: When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.
    Donny: What’s a… pederast, Walter?
    Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..In Defense of Dads

  8. Ohhh my. I actually love you. Whoever thought you were only number 3,500 clearly needs a headcheck or maybe a frontal lobotomy so they can’t spread any more of their taste (or lack thereof).

    Miss Milk’s last blog post..Muck-Up Day (UPDATED)

  9. I love pedants and their ilk.

    Really, when you think about it, its just another way of saying “knit-picker”, isn’t it?

    pedant

    Main Entry:

    Pronunciation:
    ?pe-d?nt
    Function:
    noun
    Etymology:
    Middle French, from Italian pedante
    Date:
    1588

    1.obsolete : a male schoolteacher
    2.a: one who makes a show of knowledge
    b: one who is unimaginative or who unduly emphasizes minutiae in the presentation or use of knowledge
    c: a formalist or precisionist in teaching

    And, don’t feel too bad about “sophomoric.” You probably didn’t get wind of that word until 10th grade, which would be more like, what?, half your fucking life ago. Right?

    And, no one will ever be able to call you a pedant because, even though you are knit-picky–using the dictionary and all–you are so fucking imaginative that you are the anti-pendant, in my humble opinion, that is.

    Needless to say, all of this is just an excuse to share the cyberspace that you occupy, the cyberair that you breathe, the cyberground you walk on.

    I love you, Jenny.

    You ARE The Bloggess!

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Tuesday’s Test…

  10. “So then I clicked back and it turns out that it didn’t say “spermobile” because that word doesn’t exist (although if it did it’d probably look like the Oscar Meyer Wiener truck)”

    Right now, a reality TV executive is reading this and dreaming up a new show, probably starring Ron Jeremy.

    Steve’s last blog post..Sandwich/Comedy/Kink Venn Diagram

  11. This post is supereducational. If I homeschooled my kids, I’d totally have them read it. Well, it and everything else on the internet, because I’d be busy being institutionalized.

    Marinka’s last blog post..Stroke Me Tender

  12. i can’t stop reading it. or laughing. and my boy is sitting across the table from me wanting to know what is so freakin’ hilarious but i don’t think i want to have that talk with him so i’m just pretending like i don’t hear him. oh and then i forwarded you to my sister b/c she spent awhile working with squirrels (wildlife rescue) & i figured she might want to know what she was exposed to for so long.
    i think i’m gonna go read it again.

    Brandi’s last blog post..white rabbit

  13. Ground squirrel makes a hell of a meatloaf.

    Not that I grew up in the country or anything.

  14. There should totally be a spermobile. It could drive around and collect the specimens of men who are too self-conscious to go into the sperm bank but really need to get their counts checked and stuff. It might stand out too much if it looked like the Oscar Meyer Wiener truck, though. Maybe if it was camouflaged. You know, wrapped in brown paper or something. Yeah.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Smashing pumpkins – part deux

  15. I like coming here because I learn something new every time. And it’s a lot more fun than watching the Discovery Channel… not that sharks and dead Egyptians aren’t cool, but c’mon. Ground squirrel? No contest.

    Sam (The Edge OF Insanity)’s last blog post..Here We Go Again

  16. Sophomore year, our class t-shirts had Sophomore spelled worng on them: it said “Sophmores on Safari” (our homecoming theme). Needless to say, we didn’t win that year.

  17. Well, if people can stick hamsters up their butt then it’s only fair that we return the favor in some way. If some of you men out there or “spermobiles-transporters of sperm” as I like to call them, need to satisfy some horny squirrels then you better get to hoppin. Like a rabbit. Why do they call it a rabbit? Cause of the ears?

    Tattooed Minivan Mom’s last blog post..It’s In MY Skin Bee-otch!

  18. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Only you could use the term “child molester” and actually have me laughing because of it. Now THAT is true talent! Have I mentioned yet that I love you? Because I do. In a purely platonic, non-lesbian way…

    Walking With Scissors’s last blog post..The “esh” Word

  19. Favorite post ever. I just looked across the room at my husband and called him a spermophile. I might get lucky tonight.

    Mrs. G.’s last blog post..Barb

  20. As a lurking pedantophile, I must point out that a ground squirrel is a groundhog, aka woodchuck, aka gopher, giant cousin to the tree squirrel of the busy tailness.
    And you do NOT EVER fuck with a groundhog. If you gopher a gopher, a gopher will gopher you.

  21. I wonder if ground squirrel tastes better than squirrel steaks (which are rare).

    Really, though, would “nut lover” be much less crude in the wrongright hands?

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  22. So Sam says ground squirrels are actually groundhogs/gophers/whateverthe fuck. A friend once told me that jizz is high in calories. Ground squirrels and their ilk are such fat waddling things, and I think we now know why. Saucy little beggers.

    Kudos to you for unearthing this connection. I would also like to add that groundhogs can also be called “whistlepigs”, a term which never fails to crack my shit up.

    MsPrufrock’s last blog post..Freeze frame

  23. Who was the latin idiot that named a squirrel type with sperm in it? I’m just cringing from the grossophoric images in my head.

    And you know what? I hate people who correct my spelling. Blow me! It’s my blog.

    M@’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Peanut

  24. I wonder if that’s actually what’s in their bulging cheeks? It’s not nuts, but rather, what comes from nuts. And that would be sperm. And if we’re talking about critters with cheeks bulging with sperm, I wonder if chipmunks fall in that category too. And certain types of goldfish. And occasionally my neighbor. I will never look at nature the same way.

    And are you sure they’re talking about ground squirrel, as in squirrels from the ground? What if they mean ground squirrel. Like the kind you make squirrel patties out of and eat with a bun?

    Excuse me, I feel like I need to go wash my hands now.

  25. I’m not so sure about squirrels, but I know my cat used to go after my used condoms like they were halloween candy. Grossed my wife and I out enough to buy a trash can with a closing lid (which he still managed to pry open to get at his spermsicles).

    MPS’s last blog post..The Semantics of Poo

  26. Like pedometer. And pediatric. And peddle. And pediculate.

    I’ll shut up now.

    But I’m so happy to know that about the squirrels.

  27. I think it’s creepy when people refer to sperm as seed. Makes Children of the Corn seem more likely than I care to imagine. Consequently, I also don’t want to think about sperm the next time I order peanuts at an Astros game.

    Finally, as a gay man, I think you should be quite proud that I didn’t go after ALL of the wonderful opportunities that could have been had with nuts, sperm and squirrels. 🙂

    Urban Houstonian’s last blog post..Where Do We Go From Here

  28. Black Hockey Jesus was in my dreams last night and I realized where he got his name from. You see, I always thought it was JEEZ US but it turns out he’s half black/ half Mexican and its HEY ZEUS. He plays in an all black hockey league and the boys gave him the HEY ZEUS handle.

    In my dream he was actually the gay comic book militant from Chasing Amy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhGv79va21c and he was on his way to a comic book convention to spread the truth about Star Wars racist ways. He was very angry but had a fresh Soy Mocha Latte from Starbucks in his hand so he couldn’t have been THAT focused, if you ask me

    I know this has nothing to do with sperm or vaginas but I just had to get it out of my system

    Jason McElweenie’s last blog post..Mustaches For Kids Houston 2.0

  29. See, here’s where I’m a messed up pedant because when I read “ground squirrel” I immediately thought, “Like hamburger?” And dammit, now I want me some squirrel burger. Hold the sperm.

  30. Mr Lady says:
    “I like sperm. Just throwing that out there.”

    I’m pretty sure there are laws about throwing sperm around in public. Just a heads-up. (Ha! Get it? Heads? Sperm? Ha…never mind.)

    Bridget – great observations, especially about the “certain types of goldfish.” Those must be the ones that are related to sperm whales.

    Speaking of sperm whales, wouldn’t it be easier to just call someone that instead of “you’re such a big fat ground squirrel?” Just a thought, since I’ve made the connection and all.

    Thanks for such a hysterical blog – and for having such cool readers that leave such thought-provoking (and obscene! yay!) comments.

    Dani

    Danielle Bourgeois’s last blog post..Form-filling with Sxipper

  31. Maybe you shouldn’t advertise the meaning of ground squirrel, then, so you’re safe from potential knifers?

    Also, I listened to you on the radio show last night and it was really fun. You have such a cute/nice voice. I’m looking forward to your spray painting a wall blog.

  32. if it wasn’t for the sperm, i wouldn’t have so dang many kids… love it or hate it?

    stupid squirrels…

    wait… did that even make sense? and did you even get my twitter replies last night? or are you just ignoring me cause you don’t like me? i promise.. i don’t smell bad..

    churchpunkmom’s last blog post..10 Things Tuesday

  33. So now I’m trying to decide if, in certain situations, I might take “ground squirrel” as a compliment. Maybe from my husband. It does sound a little better than “hamster,” which I would also assume to be a spermophile.

    I spelled “village” wrong for years… till I lived in an apartment complex called Bayhead Village,” and realized that all my rent checks were written to Bayhead Villiage. They still cashed ’em. Damn ground squirrels.

    Lori’s last blog post..The Long-Anticipated Walk

  34. Oh my God! I can’t believe that I have had a sister all these years and not known it!!! Apparently my brother, The Sasquatch, had a twin sister ripped away from us at birth (and apparently raised by lunatics). All those years being called the Elephant Woman could have been cut short had we only known. But I told him he can’t disown me as his sister because I would tell on him, so I think you are safe in your “family”. No need to let them know that you know you aren’t really their biological child.

    Oh, and I always wondered how our pet squirrel Sammy died …

    CarrieJ’s last blog post..107 My Hubby Loves Days of Our Lives!

  35. I would love to see the sorts of google-search referrals that pipe into this post with combos like “sperm,” “pederast,” and “ground squirrel.”

  36. My parents will never visit again when I tell them I feed spermophiles in the front yard!

    Oh, and for the “ped” comment. I think they’ve come up with a pedicure.

  37. Holy fuck I about died laughing! ROFLMAO!

    I swear to god, I get wood everytime I see your blog light up on my reader. Wood in a totally-non-sexual-harrassment-and-or-stalk-y kind of way.

    Totally re-directing my traffic to this post. MUST READ !

    thedemigod’s last blog post..Sharing

  38. okay….so i had to look it up (just to make sure…cuz you can’t really believe everything you read on the internet) and that led to way too many other words that start with “sperm” and then my kids started reading over my shoulder and then they started asking “those” questions. thanks….thanks alot….

  39. Wasn’t your dad a taxidermist? Maybe you can find out if your father ever worked on one and then you can say to anyone bothering you “back off – my dad stuffed a spermophile”.

    Vamanos’s last blog post..El Papi!

  40. WOW. And, he did spell something wrong! In his latest post he spelled ms with a period. It’s not an abbreviation, therefore MS. is WRONG. He linked to me and that’s how I paid him back. And, after bragging that I was on your blogroll MS 3500, you have my site on their wrong. I should feel insulted.

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..PaReNtAl MiStAkE #3221

  41. You are oh so good for a laugh in the middle of a very boring work day! However the rest of the office is always wondering just what the hell I’m laughing at in my little cubicle!

    So is #90 trying to bring down the euphoria in here??

  42. One time I decided I wanted to leanr a new word every day and I opened the dictionary to a random page to learn my first new word and the first one I didn’t know was esoteric and I spent the next week walking around saying this and that and esoteric blah blah blah and no one knew my new word. And then I found out I was totally mispronouncing it.

    Kristine’s last blog post..Where’s Waldo

  43. I pretty much wanna kick Webster and Merriam’s asses . I think they (or whoever) thought they were funny when they created words like (sophomoric) opthalmology and put that damn extra l in there. Who the hell besides an actual opthalmologist would know to add that shit.

    WM’s last blog post..When trying to be a bad ass bites me in the ass

  44. Funny post! I hope all ground squirrels go to Wasilla! Speaking of squirrels, my hubby and I were having a romantic walk in the park during our 10th anniversary recently. On our walk he gave me a pair of gorgeous diamond earrings he bought from http://www.idonowidont.com and we saw tons of squirrels. We decided to spend the rest of the evening indoors from now on!

  45. All I had to read was the title of this post and I was laughing for 20 minutes. Okay it was really 10 but 20 sounds much better. It did however take me a while to get through the comments as I kept stopping to laugh my ass off.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Halloween

  46. I think they (or whoever) thought they were funny when they created words like (sophomoric) opthalmology and put that damn extra l in there. Who the hell besides an actual opthalmologist would know to add that shit.

    It’s even worse than that. It’s ophthalmology. Don’t you just hate spelling?

  47. My first boyfriend was Roget The Saurus. We didn’t last long – he didn’t understand Southern. Do you want to date girls?

  48. AH, thank you for the comment on my site. You are amazing. I love you — is that too open a confession of love? After all, we only know each other over the Internet — but then again, half the couples getting married these days only know each other from the Internet.

    Implications of that last sentence are NOT:

    -that I actually checked that fact about half of the couples getting married. I USED MY IMAGINATION

    NOR

    -am asking you to marry me since we know each other over the internet. I mean, if you’re interested, SURE, but I’m pretty sure you’re already married and I’m soon-to-be-engaged to Michael Phelps as soon as we meet (in real life or over the Internet, I’m not particular), so I guess we’re both a little tied down right now, yes? Let’s make a deal, if we’re both 47 and single, we’ll get married over the internet, okay?

    I got carried away with my awe-struck-ness. Hopefully you think I’m sufficiently crazy now, but I’m not really worried about it, considering you once wanted to send your own blood wrapped in pot to someone to prove your friendship. I think I’m safely on the non-dangerously-crazy side…

  49. Dude, we totally get spemophiles in our house in the winter…little ones, but still. I’ve been trying to lure them out with peanut butter, but now I see I am probably using the wrong type of “substance” that comes from nuts. Noted!

    Mitzy’s last blog post..Bear Nukey Politics

  50. I followed a link from Gingla and I’m so glad I did….very funny stuff. Totally twisted…but that’s what I like! I’m really afraid I’m gonna be addicted…and I do not under any circumstances have time to read another blog…I sure hope you’re happy now that you’ve screwed up my life!

    nikki’s last blog post..WHY DON’T THEY MAKE THAT????

  51. i thought spermophiles was an ancient greek philosopher who was vehemently opposed to the concept of platonic relationships.

  52. Again with the laughing oddly and not-so-silently in a Professional Environment, but this time I made a weird snarfing sound when a Mexican family walked by me so probably they think I’m sort of racist.

    Thanks a lot.

  53. I have a high school biology teacher who used to run through the student parking lot in spring yelling, “There’s sperm on your car, there’s sperm on your car!” in regards to the pollen. I’m honestly not sure how he never got fired considering his complicity in the chem lab blow up that year… (probably because he was awesome)

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