My husband, Victor, calling me from Japan:
Me: So have you seen any ninjas yet?
Victor: Yeah. I saw one in my bathroom yesterday.
Me: Fucking amateur.
Victor: I hit him in the nose with one of those things you use to put your shoe on.
Me: A shoe-horn?
Victor: No, one of those long cane things you use to slip your heel into your shoe.
Me: Yeah. That’s called a shoe-horn. Why do you have a shoe horn, grampa?
Victor: It came with the room. Quite handy for the ninja attack though.
Me: Sounds like less of an attack and more of an awkward encounter.
Victor: I know. I was all, “What is this, your first day of ninja-ing?”
Me: You should ask for another room. Ninjas are like cockroaches. For every one you see there are a thousand you don’t see. Your room is probably lousy with them. You should totally go downstairs and demand a new room because of all the ninjas and then drag the hotel staff up to look at your room and when they’re like “Sir, there are no ninjas in your room” you can be all “THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!” and then start ripping the sheets off the bed and yelling “Ah-Ha!” And then they’ll totally comp your room.
Victor: Or send me to jail.
Me: Either way? Free night’s stay.
PS. Victor will be back from Japan any minute now with a shitload of samurai swords so don’t even think about it, burglars. And also the swords are haunted and dipped in poisonous toad juice. And they shoot bullets. They’re pretty much the most bad-ass swords ever.
Comment of the day: My 14 year old daughter was a ninja for Halloween. She wasn’t very good though because people kept seeing her. Well sort of, she was almost hit by a car, so perhaps she was getting better. ~ Kylie
111 thoughts on “I bet the trainee ninjas totally practice on the white people first.”
Read comments below or add one.
I need to get me some of those bad-ass swords. Kick ass!
Velma’s last blog post..My Husband is a Halloweenie
Is Victor sure it was a Ninja and not a rat disguised as a Ninja? Because I am sure a Ninja would not be deterred by a shoe horn.
Renée aka Mekhismom’s last blog post..More Halloween Goodness
Man, I knew when I spent all that time in Asia I was staying at the wrong hotel…I never got a shoehorn with my room! 😉
Steph @ Problem Solvin Mom’s last blog post..Babylegs Giveaway!
I hope that Victor wasn’t calling collect.
Marinka’s last blog post..Porn! It Does a Body Good
Eternal optimism = “Either way? Free night’s stay.”
I totally need to get me some toad juice. And if the election goes awry, PLEASE send me a ninja sword, so I can brandish it on my way to Canada to fight off the Palin’s.
Tiggerlane’s last blog post..NaBloPoMo Day Two – Or Is It?
I need glasses; I read your question as, “So have you seen any nipples yet?”.
Nipples/ninjas…I can’t decide which question makes more sense….
Robin ~ PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Be generous
A haunted, poison-dipped, bullet-shooting samurai sword that ALSO doubled as a shoe-horn would REALLY be something.
Lesley’s last blog post..Actually, My Life IS Scary Enough That I Probably Should Be Peeing On Myself Way More Often Than I Already Am
They practice on us LAST! We all look the same. You must be a master ninja to tell us apart. You can tell me by my ninja-proof pajamas.
Middle-Aged-Woman’s last blog post..When Is It Time to Turn Out the Porchlight?
Do Ninja’s do Origami in their downtime?
PAPA’s last blog post..Love battlefield
I think I am so going to need one of those ninja swords…
Is he bringing any of those ninja stars? (The ones with the blades, not the rip-off energy drink.)
Everybody knows Ninjas can make themselves invisible at will for brief periods of time. And that the hotels are just swarming with them.
Victor needs to get serious and take up a defensive position before they mess him up for real.
Ninjas. They’re popping up everywhere. I blame the Democrats. Weak immigration laws have allowed the Japanese Ninja to supplant good old read-white-and-blue American Ninjas. Just because they’re more visible doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to work.
Kevin Tumlinson’s last blog post..Room with a spew
Well, if ninjas went around being SEEN all willy-nilly, they wouldn’t be very good ninjas, now would they? Sheesh, you’d think people were as uninformed about ninjas as badly as they are about zombies…What is this world coming to?
missbanshee’s last blog post..NaBloPoMo, or…Lulu is PISSED, Y’ALL.
The title seriously made me shoot boogers on my computer. I’m billing you. 🙂
Mr Lady’s last blog post..Please, Bitch.
I need to make my Obama signs out of those samurai swords!
Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..Dedication
Your husband encounters ninjas. Mine works in Nigeria-he has to watch out for natives with bones through their noses!
derfina’s last blog post..Winding down
If they were Ninja Turtles you could flush then down the toilet.
Dave Fowler’s last blog post..What I Learnt From Crashing The Car – Part 2
And then I could learn to type!
Dave Fowler’s last blog post..What I Learnt From Crashing The Car – Part 2
“What is this, your first day of ninja-ing?”
THAT is what I really need to say to ninjas during the actual encounter.
Instead I’m all “whoah” and “eek” and “gasp” … and then afterwords I come up with all these clever little things I could have said to show them that I’m not only not terrified, I’m not impressed.
Take that, ninjas. I now have a biting, cutting piece of wit to brandish at you menacingly before I flee in the most humiliating manner possible. Or try to.
Havi Brooks (and duck)’s last blog post..Non-gross marketing and my Canadian love-child
I think my Japanese hotel room also came with a shoe horn. Why would people with such tiny feet need so much help getting into her shoes? Or maybe they only provide those things for us saskwatch foreigners?
Carrie’s last blog post..I Think Ohio Is Getting Cranky
Man can Victor bring me back one of those swords? They totally kick ass!
Jo~Jo’s last blog post..Superior Scribbler
Totally amateur… Japan is full of Gaijin Ninja who think they are cool Jap-Pop-Rock-Stars or something. You want a real ninja to take out your grandpa, just give me a buzz. Or did you not want him taken out…
Sleep Deprivation Ninja’s last blog post..Breast Milk
I have the same problem with super good-looking men. They’re just always hanging out in my bathroom.
Overflowing Brain’s last blog post..Proposition 8
You should ask for another room. Ninjas are like cockroaches. For every one you see there are a thousand you don’t see.
You just need to set out some Ninja Motels. They look just like ninja dojos but the floors have sticky stuff all over the floor. You know, like a movie theater or something.
Steve’s last blog post..In Space, No One Can Hear You Sigh Despondently
My stepfather used to bring back Pokemon cards from Japan for my boys. They thought that was pretty kickass, but of course they were all in Japanese. Maybe they were covered in toad juice though…that might explain the crazy Pokemon craze! By,God, I think we’re on to something!!
Rhea’s last blog post..Houston, we have some linkage.
My 14 year old daughter was a ninja for Halloween. She wasn’t very good though because people kept seeing her. Well sort of, she was almost hit by a car, so perhaps she was getting better.
Either way, she’s a much better sniper than a ninja. She took out four guys today with her
Kylie’s last blog post..Hobos (with fingers)
See, I totally misread that last bit and thought you were getting some bad ass-swords.
Completely different image.
fatboyfat’s last blog post..Lost and found
Us Ninja don’t like it when you pluralize our arses.
We will hide in your deodorant and give you a nasty paper cut under your arm. And you will be all ‘Damn Ninja. They hurt like a MoFo’ and we will be happy for the non-pluralization.
It is so a word.
Kelley’s last blog post..I guess we won’t be buying the Neverland ranch with our millions then.
I need one of those shoehorns, ’cause I hate to bend down to put my shoes on.
Cara’s last blog post..Customer Testimonial
I bet there are ninjas behind you right now.
Kyla’s last blog post..Ode to the Bottle
what the shit? Did he go there for a day or something?
Margaret’s last blog post..From where I am sitting….
Don’t file this under no one thinks this is funny but you, because I certainly do….
I completely ran out of steam for commenting right now. I will be back armed with Wit and Humor and Randomosity, so look out for that, suckaaa!
How far into ninja training do you need to be to get nunchuks? I think I could totally rock the nunchuks.
Nic’s last blog post..Glued back together
Rachie’s last blog post..Fall back
“One time in Ninja Camp……” I wonder if shoe horns are the new throwing stars? Do Ninja’s throw throwing stars? Is that even a sentence? Ah, never mind….carry on….
When my husband goes out of town I make sure the house phone and cell phones are at strategically placed locations; I put a golf club behind the headboard, a bat under the bed and a knife under the mattress. I also sketch out an escape route and have various people call and check on me at regular intervals.
Just in case.
But, I would love to get my hands on one of those haunted and poison-impregnated Samurai Swords. I could put it behind the drapes and if someone broke in I could cartwheel off the bed, grab and stab them through the heart, then laugh while the poison took effect and ninja-ghosts carried his (or her, I suppose) soul off to Hades.
That would be awesome.
blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..In Which I Think I’m Going To Die From A Head Cold But Am Miraculously Saved By A Magazine
I’ll bet he was just covering for the prostitute in his bathroom.
The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Filling Up This Big Old House
There was a ninja in my bathroom this morning and I don’t even live in Japan. That is so weird.
I use a spray for ninjas. Works like a charm…I think.
Jim’s last blog post..Sunday Randomness
Don’t forget to tell him that if you see any massage parlor matchbooks in his pockets you’ll be putting those swords to good use!
Lotta’s last blog post..Happy Halloween!
I guess it’s better than being stuck in a room with pirates or zombies.
Ben’s last blog post..Facebook, it’s like Twitter for people that hate Twitter.
are these mutant teenage ninja(turtles) or just the regular brand?
amyz5’s last blog post..Sarah Palin Pranked
Man, those ninjas are rampant. Next thing you know, they’ll make movies about them and kids will idolize them and want to dress as them for Halloween. Then what would this world be like?
You’re home alone and hitting the Xanax pretty heavy aren’t you?
Oh man! I want one of those swords! The great thing about Japan, is no matter how nuts you are (looking for hidden ninjas aside) they just nod politely and cater to your every whim. I bet they even pretend to SEE the ninjas to make him happy.
“Oh yes, of course, Sir. Riddled with ninjas this room is. I’ll move you imediately to a new room just recently sprayed with ninja-repellant. It’s strong stuff and works on sumo’s and samurai’s too.”
PS I didn’t mean to imply that Japanese people sound like Yoda… ok maybe a little.
Christina’s last blog post..SEE??? A little effort goes a long way (In a country that occasionally sucks)
I could really REALLY use a samurai sword to fight off my teenagers, so if you have any extras, that would be cool. I’ll send you something in return I swear. How about my incontinent grandma?
Mariah’s last blog post..Halloween Gone Sour
I need my husband to go to Japan one of these days and pick me up one of those swords for when he’s gone. He goes to Omaha a lot. Not surprisingly, no ninja swords in Omaha. Those damn Omaha Steaks aren’t too shabby, though.
for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..ouija think was gonna happen?
In a thousand years or more (many more), when we homo “not so very” sapiens after all have left this dying earth and moved on to other places like the moon, then mars and worlds beyond, when we have learned to fold space and thrive in metal oasises peppered throughout the void of darkmatter and when we are all speaking the seventh generational variant of galactic espanol, I hope and pray to all the gods that we discover that the phrase, “lousy with,” somehow survives intact, especially with regard to those pesky outlander space station lice and shuttle roaches and of course the ninjas on Uranus.
always, buddy’s last blog post..Rumi, “Mathnawi”
Just don’t store a samurai sword where it could be mistaken for a shoe-horn…
cyniclite’s last blog post..The Truth About Sterilization
Just so he’s alert to the Ninja whores. I remember those sneaky bitches.
Get me a sword too!
Based on my experience with TSA, I’m pretty sure that Victor is going to end up in the enhanced interrogation room.
A Free Man’s last blog post..Half a year in Oz
Maybe he just wanted to compete with you for your position as 3,500th best grampa?
deidre’s last blog post..Here I Am, Baby. Come and Take Me By the Hand.
Hahahahaha! You are a riot. I loved the P.S. message to would be breaking & entering types. I need to have one of those Specially make swords to protect us when the husband goes out of town.
Thanks for making me laugh, yet again!
Desiree – Mother Musings’s last blog post..I’m too chicken to do NaNoWriMo so I’m doing NoBloShoeMo instead
Did you know that you can BUY a black belt, like you don’t even have to EARN it? I bet that will piss off a Ninja. wait, do ninjas wear belts?
flutter’s last blog post..Shine away, shine away…
it’s too bad you aren’t there to protect victor, hopefully he’ll remember all that you’ve taught him 🙂
piglet’s last blog post..down with vampires (but not the bloodsucking kind, they’re ok).
I had to quit being a ninja because I just have this need to always be noticed.
Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.
Whenever I look at your new blogs they have exactly 57 comments. It’s very eerie.
That’s because the first 57 commenters are always me pretending to be other people.
always, buddy said “…ninjas on Uranus.” hehehehe
Those darn rookie ninjas, they need to get some game. Victor should watch it though, methinks those shoe horns could have been placed deliberately so that unsuspecting white men from Texas would be inclined to shove their toes into shoes without first checking for signs of satotage.
Jacquie’s last blog post..The Big O
Being that I am married to a Ninja, I cay say that they use disguises so it may not be that easy to find them.
I never know when my husband is coming or going ….and what he’ll look like …
Heeeey….my son was a ninja for Halloween. Or at least, that’s what he would like me to think.
I’ve been paranoid ever since.
Janine’s last blog post..A brief pause in my very busy weekend for some updates.
One of the more surreal images that I remember happening when I was stone sober was when my wife forced me to take our family camping at Stephen F Austin park one weekend a couple of years ago. There was some sort of weird kids karate convention(KAWRAWTAY is how I like to say it in my head and especially out loud)at the campground that weekend. None of us wanted to be there and it was cold and we were surrounded by loud little punk ninjas that walked through our campsite all day and night as a short cut. Knowing what was good for me, I never made eye contact. I was however concerned that the uneasy truce between warring punk kid ninja factions might deteriorate in the middle of the secret summit and that my family would be killed in the ensuing crossfire of sharp throwing star thingys.
Yeah, I have TONS of those ninja swords, every one of them invisible, because you know, invisibility is of the utmost importance in ninja-ism. The best thing about ninja swords is they never set off metal detectors, being invisible and all. … and now I’m going to go ask for advice from my imaginary sensei on how I must kill you all using only my telepathic powers, oh.. except for democrats–you dems may live until after you vote. So don’t forget to vote.
david’s last blog post..Chapel Hill Turns Out For Early Voting Show
Victor needs to pick up a liger. Ligers are bred for their skills in magic and could totally take out some ninjas, even the authentic Japanese kind. (The lame American ninjas are weak and can easily be taken out with just some simple bowhunting skills.)
But if he finds a liger in some tiny Japanese gift shop, tell him to make sure it’s really a liger and not some kind of mogwai in disguise. If there are more than three rules to caring for the liger he should pass and just switch hotels.
bejewell’s last blog post..Mammogram, Schmammogram
They don’t, like, live around here do they? I mean, I haven’t really been watching for them. Shit, I wonder if they saw what I was doing last night?
Cat’s last blog post..What Overcomes Me
Can you send me one of those swords?
Miss Grace’s last blog post..I stole Literal Dan’s notation system
Well hopefully the swords really aren’t dipped in sperm because, well…
That would just be awkward.
Houston’s last blog post..Halloween
Goddamned ninja’s. You want to be able to relax when you get back to your hotel room, not have to worry about toad juice poisoned swords in the back.
Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Origin Of The Species
They must be really expensive swords, but quality ass kicking equipment is worth it.
Chris Wood’s last blog post..To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems
Dude. I fuckin’ love you. You make me laugh so hard. I swear to god, I’m THISCLOSE to stalking the hell out of you. For reals. So if you hear a rustling in your bushes, I expect you to fire off a warning shot before blasting me to smitherines with your crazy sword. Because I gave fair warning, and would like some g.d reciprocity.
the only thing my husband brings me back from trips are dunkin donuts.
i’d so rather have a samurai sword.
ali’s last blog post..it’s official. i am old.
Suddenly, I feel all gypped that Hugh and I mostly talk about groceries and dry cleaning…
Kristin’s last blog post..Somebody Else’s Daughter – A Review!
Ninjas, shoehorns and bad-ass swords.. now that’s good reading!!
Rich’s last blog post..Now that made me laugh!!
Yeah, the swords are also haunted by the spirits of all of the ninjas that Victor took care of in Japan.
Carolyn Online’s last blog post..Weekend snapshot.
I bet that ninja was fired shortly thereafter for lack of maintaining invisibleness. But then the ninja union probably got him his job back so no need to feel sorry for him.
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Halloween
What the fuck CommentLuv?! That Halloween Hump Day Humor post was like 3 posts ago.
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..It was more than just a coincidence
love your blog…totally hilarious!! lmao!!
Mebbe the ninjas are trying to make you die laughing, cos it seems to be working. Why does everyone on the bus give me funny looks when I read your blog? Because I’m giggling so much, that’s why.
Mr Farty’s last blog post..In The Right Place, At The Right Time
Last night on Mythbusters they busted more Ninja myths. Now today I read that your husband fights ninjas off with shoehorns in Japan. This can’t be a random thing. You obviously control the universe.
Condo Blues’s last blog post..I’m in Love with Earthlust Stainless Steel Water Bottles
Victor is a foolish, foolish man for not capturing that ninja and forcing him to teach him the ninj ways. Yes, I said ninj. It rolls of the tongue better. Sultry.
And also, clearly Japanese hotel rooms should come with nunchucks, not shoe horns. Golden nunchucks.
What Victor heard at the front desk…
Front Desk: You want choose porn in room?
Victor: Hell yeah. I mean…whatever. Maybe. Do I really have to decide that now?
Front Desk: Much help with feet!
Victor: Feet? Um…feet?
Front Desk: Yes, make for good feet!
Victor: Really. It’s all about feet?
Front Desk: Yes. Make feet happy ending!
Victor: Er…well, okay. Might permanently change the way I watch Dancing With the Stars but…what the hell. Sure. Say…this won’t show up on my bill, will it?
* * * * * * * *
Victor, under breath while on phone with Jenny: Shoe horn? He was asking if I wanted a shoe horn? WTF? So much for the foot porn. Oh well. At least they know about the ninja problem…
I bet Victor’s “amateur ninja” was the bathroom attendant trying to give him a shoulder massage while he peed.
I was not a ninja for halloween, but that is a smart idea. I was a stupid shoe horn, but people just though i was a potato chip with a stem…it sucked.
Mitzy’s last blog post..Filling Up the Steel Horse for Less! Finally!
WOW! I hope no one gets hurt with all that sword playing.
The next time Victor leaves the country, call me!!! I’ll be there in a flash to … uh … keep you company.
(He doesn’t read these comments, does he?)
Wow. My friends are leaving for Japan in two weeks, and I’m totally going to ask for a sword like that. Or if they can catch me a ninja, sort of like you sneak oranges back from Mexico, but you know…Ninjas.
Lynette’s last blog post..Six Words?
The shoe-horn WAS the ninja. Silly Gaijin.
Veronica Mitchell’s last blog post..What Politics Can’t Do
I can’t fucking believe how awesome you are. You actually think like me. I’m following you on Twitter so I expect you to be causing some trouble.
I think YOU should have gone to Japan. Imagine the fun of blogging from Japan, and especially blogging about the ninjas or ninja cockroaches firsthand?
Does anybody actually shoehorns anymore? Where can you buy them these days?
I love a good ninja fight in the morning.
Kristine’s last blog post..5 Inadvertent Benefits of Food Poisoning
“Does anybody actually shoehorns anymore? Where can you buy them these days?”
Not only can you still get shoe horns but now, through the magic of the internet, you can get them with custom logos printed on them. Cuz, y’know, nothing promotes your business better than getting people to step on your logo.
Steve’s last blog post..In Space, No One Can Hear You Sigh Despondently
In addition to the kick ass swords Victor will probably bring back some ninjas. So you’d better watch out.
WM’s last blog post..From the I’m so stupid I shouldn’t be let loose in society files
He should just stuff a bunch of ninjas in his suitcase — swords won’t get through security, you know?
I cannot get past the “fucking amateur” line because I am in hysterics. Because really? If you’re a Ninja and you get busted in the bathroom that is just fucking ridiculous and you are an asshat Ninja. Embarrassing and just unprofessional, really. I could hide in your bathroom, Jenny, and you’d NEVER know I was there. Not that I have. Or would. Oh. This comment has taken a dark turn. Sleep tight!
Totally kidding. Love this post.
Girl, Corrupted.’s last blog post..*whew*
You rock. And Ninjas slink. Slinky Ninjas. We caught a few in our hotel towels in Memphis at the Peabody–you’d think at $300 per night they’d be able to keep those ninjas down to a minimum…
Martie’s last blog post..Proof That Anyone Could Die Any Day…
Hows this for cool, my husband IS a ninja and is training our 3 kids to be mini Ninja’s. Seriously, he has been practicing Ninjitsu forever.
Nic, unfortunately real ninja’s do not use nunchuks. More a Karate thing. But they do get to use cool swords, staffs and knives.
I know for a fact that ninjas are like cockroaches. I’ve been working against them for months now. Thanks for educating the world.
Sara’s last blog post..Holiday Gifts – Top 16 Movies Every Guy Likes
HA! I AM a Memphis Ninja! We OWN the freaking Peabody!
LOL Good luck getting that sword through customs! But if you can … that’s awesome and we want pictures! 😀
Katie’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Does My Butt Look Big?
Do they have non-poisonous toad juice too? sounds tasty.
Tattooed Minivan Mom’s last blog post..I owe, I owe, so off to blog I go…
I was thinking “I hope the ninjas don’t accidentally make it onto a ship heading to Texas, and end up here, because we’ll never get rid of them.” Then I remembered they wear all black, and will not survive in our hot, humid weather. However, their Karate cousins are already here and thriving – dressed all in white.
I once brought a sword back from a visit to Germany. At first I thought I was cool, and then I realized that I was actually pretty lame. Never did have a ninja in my bedroom though! Have to keep that shoe horn close at hand in case…
Raging Dad’s last blog post..In others’ words
I’ve gotta get myself one of those swords!
I’ve been reading all these comments and scrolling down, scrolling down, scrolling down..but there’s been ZERO comprehension. I contemplated scrolling way the hell back up there and trying again, but I know, yet again, all my brain will register will be:
“SHOE horn…shoe horn?”
“Doesn’t the need for a shoehorn mean your shoes don’t really fit? Then why do they use them at the shoe store? Aren’t those kneeling jackasses supposed to be FITTING you…”
“I hate shopping for shoes. I hate someone trying to ‘help’ me shop for shoes…”
“When was the last time I saw a shoehorn? Or said the word shoe horn? Is it shoe horn? or shoehorn?
I’m not seeing the ‘horn’ connection…shoe horn..
that girl’s last blog post..I have a DAMN good idea…
Glad your daughter is getting better at it. It’s official, I do love you. Now add me to your blogroll. Go ahead. I dare you.
Every time you title a blog “no one thinks this is funny but me” you lie. I ALWAYS think those blog entries are funny. Especially the ones about ninjas.
The first three lines were funny and then it went downhill
I love ninjas. I like all about Japan. From ninjas to samurais and geishas.
I hope Victor gets many of those swords for you!