I bet the trainee ninjas totally practice on the white people first.

My husband, Victor, calling me from Japan:

Me:  So have you seen any ninjas yet?

Victor:  Yeah.  I saw one in my bathroom yesterday.

Me:  Fucking amateur.

Victor:   I hit him in the nose with one of those things you use to put your shoe on.

Me:  A shoe-horn?

Victor:  No, one of those long cane things you use to slip your heel into your shoe. 

Me:  Yeah. That’s called a shoe-horn.  Why do you have a shoe horn, grampa?

Victor:  It came with the room.  Quite handy for the ninja attack though.

Me:  Sounds like less of an attack and more of an awkward encounter.

Victor:  I know.  I was all,  “What is this, your first day of ninja-ing?”

Me: You should ask for another room.  Ninjas are like cockroaches.  For every one you see there are a thousand you don’t see.  Your room is probably lousy with them.  You should totally go downstairs and demand a new room because of all the ninjas and then drag the hotel staff up to look at your room and when they’re like “Sir, there are no ninjas in your room” you can be all “THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!” and then start ripping the sheets off the bed and yelling “Ah-Ha!”  And then they’ll totally comp your room.

Victor:  Or send me to jail.

Me:  Either way?  Free night’s stay.

PS.  Victor will be back from Japan any minute now with a shitload of samurai swords so don’t even think about it, burglars.  And also the swords are haunted and dipped in poisonous toad juice.  And they shoot bullets.  They’re pretty much the most bad-ass swords ever. 

Comment of the day: My 14 year old daughter was a ninja for Halloween. She wasn’t very good though because people kept seeing her. Well sort of, she was almost hit by a car, so perhaps she was getting better. ~ Kylie

111 thoughts on “I bet the trainee ninjas totally practice on the white people first.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Eternal optimism = “Either way? Free night’s stay.”

    LOVE.

    I totally need to get me some toad juice. And if the election goes awry, PLEASE send me a ninja sword, so I can brandish it on my way to Canada to fight off the Palin’s.

    Tiggerlane’s last blog post..NaBloPoMo Day Two – Or Is It?

  2. I think I am so going to need one of those ninja swords…

    Is he bringing any of those ninja stars? (The ones with the blades, not the rip-off energy drink.)

  3. Everybody knows Ninjas can make themselves invisible at will for brief periods of time. And that the hotels are just swarming with them.

    Victor needs to get serious and take up a defensive position before they mess him up for real.

    Richard

  4. Ninjas. They’re popping up everywhere. I blame the Democrats. Weak immigration laws have allowed the Japanese Ninja to supplant good old read-white-and-blue American Ninjas. Just because they’re more visible doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to work.

    Kevin Tumlinson’s last blog post..Room with a spew

  5. “What is this, your first day of ninja-ing?”

    THAT is what I really need to say to ninjas during the actual encounter.

    Instead I’m all “whoah” and “eek” and “gasp” … and then afterwords I come up with all these clever little things I could have said to show them that I’m not only not terrified, I’m not impressed.

    Take that, ninjas. I now have a biting, cutting piece of wit to brandish at you menacingly before I flee in the most humiliating manner possible. Or try to.

    Havi Brooks (and duck)’s last blog post..Non-gross marketing and my Canadian love-child

  6. Totally amateur… Japan is full of Gaijin Ninja who think they are cool Jap-Pop-Rock-Stars or something. You want a real ninja to take out your grandpa, just give me a buzz. Or did you not want him taken out…

    Sleep Deprivation Ninja’s last blog post..Breast Milk

  7. You should ask for another room. Ninjas are like cockroaches. For every one you see there are a thousand you don’t see.

    You just need to set out some Ninja Motels. They look just like ninja dojos but the floors have sticky stuff all over the floor. You know, like a movie theater or something.

    Steve’s last blog post..In Space, No One Can Hear You Sigh Despondently

  8. My stepfather used to bring back Pokemon cards from Japan for my boys. They thought that was pretty kickass, but of course they were all in Japanese. Maybe they were covered in toad juice though…that might explain the crazy Pokemon craze! By,God, I think we’re on to something!!

    Rhea’s last blog post..Houston, we have some linkage.

  9. My 14 year old daughter was a ninja for Halloween. She wasn’t very good though because people kept seeing her. Well sort of, she was almost hit by a car, so perhaps she was getting better.

    Either way, she’s a much better sniper than a ninja. She took out four guys today with her paintball gun.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Hobos (with fingers)

  10. Don’t file this under no one thinks this is funny but you, because I certainly do….

    I completely ran out of steam for commenting right now. I will be back armed with Wit and Humor and Randomosity, so look out for that, suckaaa!

  11. “One time in Ninja Camp……” I wonder if shoe horns are the new throwing stars? Do Ninja’s throw throwing stars? Is that even a sentence? Ah, never mind….carry on….

  12. When my husband goes out of town I make sure the house phone and cell phones are at strategically placed locations; I put a golf club behind the headboard, a bat under the bed and a knife under the mattress. I also sketch out an escape route and have various people call and check on me at regular intervals.

    Just in case.

    But, I would love to get my hands on one of those haunted and poison-impregnated Samurai Swords. I could put it behind the drapes and if someone broke in I could cartwheel off the bed, grab and stab them through the heart, then laugh while the poison took effect and ninja-ghosts carried his (or her, I suppose) soul off to Hades.

    That would be awesome.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..In Which I Think I’m Going To Die From A Head Cold But Am Miraculously Saved By A Magazine

  13. There was a ninja in my bathroom this morning and I don’t even live in Japan. That is so weird.

  14. Man, those ninjas are rampant. Next thing you know, they’ll make movies about them and kids will idolize them and want to dress as them for Halloween. Then what would this world be like?

  15. Oh man! I want one of those swords! The great thing about Japan, is no matter how nuts you are (looking for hidden ninjas aside) they just nod politely and cater to your every whim. I bet they even pretend to SEE the ninjas to make him happy.
    “Oh yes, of course, Sir. Riddled with ninjas this room is. I’ll move you imediately to a new room just recently sprayed with ninja-repellant. It’s strong stuff and works on sumo’s and samurai’s too.”

    PS I didn’t mean to imply that Japanese people sound like Yoda… ok maybe a little.

    Christina’s last blog post..SEE??? A little effort goes a long way (In a country that occasionally sucks)

  16. I could really REALLY use a samurai sword to fight off my teenagers, so if you have any extras, that would be cool. I’ll send you something in return I swear. How about my incontinent grandma?

    Mariah’s last blog post..Halloween Gone Sour

  17. In a thousand years or more (many more), when we homo “not so very” sapiens after all have left this dying earth and moved on to other places like the moon, then mars and worlds beyond, when we have learned to fold space and thrive in metal oasises peppered throughout the void of darkmatter and when we are all speaking the seventh generational variant of galactic espanol, I hope and pray to all the gods that we discover that the phrase, “lousy with,” somehow survives intact, especially with regard to those pesky outlander space station lice and shuttle roaches and of course the ninjas on Uranus.

    always, buddy’s last blog post..Rumi, “Mathnawi”

  18. Just so he’s alert to the Ninja whores. I remember those sneaky bitches.

    Get me a sword too!

  19. Those darn rookie ninjas, they need to get some game. Victor should watch it though, methinks those shoe horns could have been placed deliberately so that unsuspecting white men from Texas would be inclined to shove their toes into shoes without first checking for signs of satotage.

    Jacquie’s last blog post..The Big O

  20. Being that I am married to a Ninja, I cay say that they use disguises so it may not be that easy to find them.
    I never know when my husband is coming or going ….and what he’ll look like …

  21. One of the more surreal images that I remember happening when I was stone sober was when my wife forced me to take our family camping at Stephen F Austin park one weekend a couple of years ago. There was some sort of weird kids karate convention(KAWRAWTAY is how I like to say it in my head and especially out loud)at the campground that weekend. None of us wanted to be there and it was cold and we were surrounded by loud little punk ninjas that walked through our campsite all day and night as a short cut. Knowing what was good for me, I never made eye contact. I was however concerned that the uneasy truce between warring punk kid ninja factions might deteriorate in the middle of the secret summit and that my family would be killed in the ensuing crossfire of sharp throwing star thingys.

  22. Yeah, I have TONS of those ninja swords, every one of them invisible, because you know, invisibility is of the utmost importance in ninja-ism. The best thing about ninja swords is they never set off metal detectors, being invisible and all. … and now I’m going to go ask for advice from my imaginary sensei on how I must kill you all using only my telepathic powers, oh.. except for democrats–you dems may live until after you vote. So don’t forget to vote.

    david’s last blog post..Chapel Hill Turns Out For Early Voting Show

  23. Victor needs to pick up a liger. Ligers are bred for their skills in magic and could totally take out some ninjas, even the authentic Japanese kind. (The lame American ninjas are weak and can easily be taken out with just some simple bowhunting skills.)

    But if he finds a liger in some tiny Japanese gift shop, tell him to make sure it’s really a liger and not some kind of mogwai in disguise. If there are more than three rules to caring for the liger he should pass and just switch hotels.

    bejewell’s last blog post..Mammogram, Schmammogram

  24. Dude. I fuckin’ love you. You make me laugh so hard. I swear to god, I’m THISCLOSE to stalking the hell out of you. For reals. So if you hear a rustling in your bushes, I expect you to fire off a warning shot before blasting me to smitherines with your crazy sword. Because I gave fair warning, and would like some g.d reciprocity.

  25. Victor is a foolish, foolish man for not capturing that ninja and forcing him to teach him the ninj ways. Yes, I said ninj. It rolls of the tongue better. Sultry.

    And also, clearly Japanese hotel rooms should come with nunchucks, not shoe horns. Golden nunchucks.

  26. What Victor heard at the front desk…

    Front Desk: You want choose porn in room?
    Victor: Hell yeah. I mean…whatever. Maybe. Do I really have to decide that now?
    Front Desk: Much help with feet!
    Victor: Feet? Um…feet?
    Front Desk: Yes, make for good feet!
    Victor: Really. It’s all about feet?
    Front Desk: Yes. Make feet happy ending!
    Victor: Er…well, okay. Might permanently change the way I watch Dancing With the Stars but…what the hell. Sure. Say…this won’t show up on my bill, will it?

    * * * * * * * *

    Victor, under breath while on phone with Jenny: Shoe horn? He was asking if I wanted a shoe horn? WTF? So much for the foot porn. Oh well. At least they know about the ninja problem…

  27. I bet Victor’s “amateur ninja” was the bathroom attendant trying to give him a shoulder massage while he peed.

  28. The next time Victor leaves the country, call me!!! I’ll be there in a flash to … uh … keep you company.

    (He doesn’t read these comments, does he?)

  29. Wow. My friends are leaving for Japan in two weeks, and I’m totally going to ask for a sword like that. Or if they can catch me a ninja, sort of like you sneak oranges back from Mexico, but you know…Ninjas.

    Lynette’s last blog post..Six Words?

  30. I can’t fucking believe how awesome you are. You actually think like me. I’m following you on Twitter so I expect you to be causing some trouble.

    Weirdo!

    Jeff

  31. I think YOU should have gone to Japan. Imagine the fun of blogging from Japan, and especially blogging about the ninjas or ninja cockroaches firsthand?

    Does anybody actually shoehorns anymore? Where can you buy them these days?

  32. I cannot get past the “fucking amateur” line because I am in hysterics. Because really? If you’re a Ninja and you get busted in the bathroom that is just fucking ridiculous and you are an asshat Ninja. Embarrassing and just unprofessional, really. I could hide in your bathroom, Jenny, and you’d NEVER know I was there. Not that I have. Or would. Oh. This comment has taken a dark turn. Sleep tight!

    Totally kidding. Love this post.

    Girl, Corrupted.’s last blog post..*whew*

  33. Hows this for cool, my husband IS a ninja and is training our 3 kids to be mini Ninja’s. Seriously, he has been practicing Ninjitsu forever.

    Nic, unfortunately real ninja’s do not use nunchuks. More a Karate thing. But they do get to use cool swords, staffs and knives.

  34. Slinky Ninjas. We caught a few in our hotel towels in Memphis at the Peabody

    HA! I AM a Memphis Ninja! We OWN the freaking Peabody!

  35. I was thinking “I hope the ninjas don’t accidentally make it onto a ship heading to Texas, and end up here, because we’ll never get rid of them.” Then I remembered they wear all black, and will not survive in our hot, humid weather. However, their Karate cousins are already here and thriving – dressed all in white.

  36. I once brought a sword back from a visit to Germany. At first I thought I was cool, and then I realized that I was actually pretty lame. Never did have a ninja in my bedroom though! Have to keep that shoe horn close at hand in case…

    Raging Dad’s last blog post..In others’ words

  37. I’ve been reading all these comments and scrolling down, scrolling down, scrolling down..but there’s been ZERO comprehension. I contemplated scrolling way the hell back up there and trying again, but I know, yet again, all my brain will register will be:

    “Shoehorn”

    “Shoehorn?”

    “SHOE horn…shoe horn?”

    “Doesn’t the need for a shoehorn mean your shoes don’t really fit? Then why do they use them at the shoe store? Aren’t those kneeling jackasses supposed to be FITTING you…”

    “I hate shopping for shoes. I hate someone trying to ‘help’ me shop for shoes…”

    “Shoehorn”

    “When was the last time I saw a shoehorn? Or said the word shoe horn? Is it shoe horn? or shoehorn?

    “SHOEHORN”….”SHOE HORN”

    I’m not seeing the ‘horn’ connection…shoe horn..

    “shoe horn”

    “SHOEHORN”

    that girl’s last blog post..I have a DAMN good idea…

  38. Glad your daughter is getting better at it. It’s official, I do love you. Now add me to your blogroll. Go ahead. I dare you.

  39. Every time you title a blog “no one thinks this is funny but me” you lie. I ALWAYS think those blog entries are funny. Especially the ones about ninjas.

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