No one wants to hear about your dreams

Last night I dreamt a skeleton was chasing was me except it wasn’t totally a skeleton because only most of the flesh had rotted off so it was kind of a zombie and then I was all ‘What the hell is the difference between a skeleton and a zombie?‘  It’s just skin, right?  How much flesh does a zombie have to lose before it stops being a zombie and starts being a skeleton?  Like if a zombie had its face burnt off so its head was a skeleton but the rest of it was still a normal zombie body, then what would that be?  These are the things that keep me up at night.

PS.  Getting eaten by a zombie would suck but I bet getting eaten by a zombie that was on fire would be really painful.

PPS.  Writing about what you dreamt last night is tantamount to posting 25 pictures of a dead cat in a row.  I’m terribly sorry.

PPPS.  Someone please send me a cat for tomorrow’s post.  It doesn’t have to be dead, but you probably won’t want it back.

Comment of the day: Are you going to feed the cat to the zombie that’s on fire? I need to know before I can put the cat in the mail. I would rather you just feed him to the regular zombie, because the fire zombie would just be mean. ~ HeatherPride

135 thoughts on “No one wants to hear about your dreams

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think it’s all about the weight. If the flesh weighs more than the bones, it’s a zombie. I’m pretty sure there was a scientific study done, but I can’t seem to find the link anywhere.

    Jim’s last blog post..I’ve moved

  2. wow. So reading over my last comment it sounds like I’m some crazed cat killer. We should go in business together. Our slogan could be: “Will kill pets for blogging.”

    perksofbeingme’s last blog post..Just a list

  3. I was wondering the other day if there could be a ghost vampire. Like, I know a vampire can’t become a ghost. But, can a ghost become a vampire?

    The things you’re talking about are called Skelbies. They don’t exist.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  4. ok, so that last comment sounded even creepier than the first. I think I’ll stop before I dig this hole even deeper.

    Although a deep hole would be good for hiding the dead pet bodies after we photograph them…

    perksofbeingme’s last blog post..Just a list

  5. You know, I am completely in awe of your ability to be so discerning in your dreams.

    I’m always so busy freaking the hell out about the BEING CHASED part that I never notice things like hair color or whether or not their flesh is rotting off and if so, what percentage*.

    *60% or above makes it “officially” a skeleton zombie or a sklombie.

    Havi Brooks (and duck)’s last blog post..Blogging therapy: Nooo! Don’t make me be vulnerable!

  6. There’s only one question here: is the zombie slow or one of those freakishly fast models? Because if it’s fast, I bet its skin just comes off because of the laws of physics, i.e. the acceleration thing makes the skin come off. That’s the technical definition of acceleration. And what it does to skin.

    I wonder if the Mythbusters would be interested in this one.

    What kind of cat? Can he be black with long claws and a penchant for digging said claws into the carpet (ignoring his carpeted scratching post) to the point of digging up the carpet so that your 10 month old baby girl crawls around and finds the pieces of carpet and makes hors d’ouvres out of them? Because I have JUST THE CAT for you.

    Shutter Bitch’s last blog post..Thank You, the Most Inadequate Words

  7. Where would your flesh go if a skeleton ate you? They don’t have organs after all. It would just be chewing for the purpose of chewing. No satisfaction in that.

    And a zombie is a corpse – dead people can’t digest either so why in the world would either the skeleton or the zombie want to eat you in the first place?

  8. How fast do you have to go to outrun a skeleton? I mean, zombies are pretty slow, I’ve never understood the dumbarses in the movies who can’t seem to get away from the stiff legged wobbling weeble-like zombies.

    Now I’m totally going to sit here and wonder about that for the rest of the day. When I can’t get any work done, I’ll just give the boss your url.

    Mahala’s last blog post..Unsupervised and Running Amuck

  9. I had a dream that a drag queen stole some of my hair to make a wig. But I have short hair now, so logistically, there’s not enough for a wig. So why would they pick me? Is it for a miniature drag queen? Like one of your tranny Lego men? At least your dreams make a little more sense.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..too soon?

  10. I had a dream a bunch of vampires were running a mall (like they were the security guards and things like that) and they were chasing me through the mall. The only person who knew how to kill them was a maintenance guy who was allowed to work among the vampires. So naturally me and the maintenance guy ran up to the roof and threw the “magic” chemicals through the vents to kill the vampires. Those vampires trusted the WRONG maintenance guy. And this is all Twilight’s fault.

    gingela5’s last blog post..I Remember When Concerts Were Fun…

  11. This sounds like an episode of Scooby Doo. Are you sure it wasn’t?

    You’d obviously be Daphne, and you and Freddy would pretend to search for clues together though anyone, even a child of 8, could see that you were distracted ’cause you totally want each other. And then Shaggy and Scooby would get stuck in some sort of cart traveling down into a mine, and the skeleton/zombie creature would keep popping up in the oddest places and freak their shit out and make their cart go in reverse in a cool music montage thing until Velma solved the mystery and proved that the skeleton/zombie creature was really the old caretaker.

    This is exactly what happened, right? Or do I just watch too much Saturday morning TV?

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..A raccoon by any other name would still not speak

  12. Getting eaten by a skeleton would be worse though, cuz there would be nothing to CATCH you once you were eaten, so then you’d be all OOZING through its bones and there would be little Bloggess puddles all over the place. Hmmm. Puddles of Bloggess-no…STRAINED puddles of Bloggess!

    derfina’s last blog post..All my children

  13. It could be worse. What if you were being chased by a skombie the size and appearance of that mad dinosaur that terrorizes the kids’ party when Mom doesn’t have the right Sprint connection to confirm the replacement entertainment? Are you still with me?

    Faye’s last blog post..Keepsake Friends

  14. In answer to your question, I think the zombie needs to lose ALL of it’s skin in order to then be a skeleton. If it has some skin then it’s just skeletal. I don’t know this for a fact, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a skeleton with skin ever. And I’m 30.

  15. I think your dream was triggered by my blog entry yesterday… if you read it, that is. But it’s damn scary. Also, there are like 2 dozen cat pics on my blog today because I’m strangely obsessed with icanhascheezberger.

    SassyTwoSocks’s last blog post..i can has two socks?!

  16. I have crazy dreams, too, so I’m going to pretend it’s okay to ignore your post and just comment on the comments, instead.
    1) Damn Kim @ponytail diaries, I wanted to offer my cat and you beat me to it.
    2) What sort of osteoporotic people does Jim know who have flesh that weighs more than freaking BONE?
    3) Scott – yeah, that’s what they said about the ROUSs, too.
    4) perksofbeing me is about to have a CSI team descend upon her backyard. Just sayin’.
    5) Havi is obviously a Bayesian statistician.
    6) Shutter Bitch: Fizzix. UR NOT GETTIN IT.
    7) Happy Hour Sue & Keely have their priorities straight.
    8) Lynn Crymble: You’re working from a false assumption that zombies have superior deductive reasoning skills.

    WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Ornithophilia (Updated)

  17. i think if it’s moving, with or without skin…that’s total zoombie action.

    the question i really need answered after your last post….was it smooth down there?

  18. Are you going to feed the cat to the zombie that’s on fire? I need to know before I can put the cat in the mail. I would rather you just feed him to the regular zombie, because the fire zombie would just be mean.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..A Mother’s Mind

  19. Zombies are animated by doing something to their brains, which is why destroying or severing the head usually works on them.

    Can’t believe I just told you that. God, it’s like I have sawdust for brains.

    Zombie Daddy’s last blog post..Ball

  20. I think it’s clothing. Zombies have to have some amount of clothing, whereas skeletons can be totally naked. If you see a zombie without clothes that appears to look like a skeleton, it’s a skeleton.

    goodfather’s last blog post..Spin Cycle: Favorites

  21. Some friends and I are full-on prepared for a zombie invasion. We have ace shooters (well, two people have held guns before) and an escape plan (unless the plan developer flakes out on the rest of us to save her children, sheesh). My contribution is to provide cool-looking zombie-fighting boots. I think it’s important to look good while fighting the undead.

  22. Last night I had a dream that my friend and I were kidnapped by William Shatner (dressed as a security gaurd- not even a full blown cop! how did we fall for that one?!?) and in order to escape we were forced to, ahem, perform at a strip club. Soapy water and bubbles were involved. And I was waaaaay more into it than I probably should have been. But bright side? No zombies.

    Phew. I feel strangly better for having told someone. Specifically, someone I don’t know and don’t have to look in the eye.

  23. You don’t hear many skeleton horror stories, do you? That’s a shame. Are people prejudiced against skeletons? And I bet there are some interacial skeleton-zombies out there who are getting even less love but are probably hogging up all the scholarships in their minority-ness.

  24. I believe the classification of zombie vs skeleton depends on where you live. In Florida, it is a contributory classification which means, for instance, if the head is skeleton and the body is zombie, the skele-zombie is therefore 25% skeleton and 75% zombie since the head makes most of the decisions anyway. If it is a male zombie, other parts can be responsible for decisions. So, for a true assessment, what sex was your zombie?

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..The Weirdest Post Topic Ever

  25. Is PETA coming to my house if I’m overly enthused about the dead cat post tomorrow.

    Since you shared your dream, I’ll share mine. I was in a canoe that was really more like a viking ship but smaller and more canoe-ish and a hurricane was blowing…..

  26. Skeletons are the bloodless undead.
    Zombies are all about the flesh and blood.
    Cats taste like chicken.

  27. I have a cat that I’ve been trying to pawn off on someone for a year. His name is Nate. Email me your shipping address and he’s yours!

  28. “Like if a zombie had its face burnt off so its head was a skeleton but the rest of it was still a normal zombie body, then what would that be?”

    Faye had it right. I was also gonna assume it’s called a “skombie.”

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Get Ur Hand Outta There!

  29. @that girl and @Jenny

    Some zombies need to eat. The zombies in “Return of the Living Dead” need to eat, brains in particular, because brains are like the best zombie piankiller: they help numb the pain of being dead.

    But “Return of the Living Dead” is just a movie.

    In my own experience we don’t need to eat, even brains. But eating them means that we don’t slow down, mentally or physically, the way the grave-lurkers do. It’s just pragmatics.

    Zombie Daddy’s last blog post..Ball

  30. I think it’s safe to say that everyone here would love to hear about all of your dreams.

    In fact, I think you should deliberately watch David Lynch movies before going to bed, just to make sure you have really messed-up dreams to tell us about.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Now we get down to Real Problems

  31. When I was 15 I dreamed Bobby Brown was dead, but my brain interpreted it as “Knowledge” not “Dream” and I only found out last week that he’s alive. I’m 22. Seven years of blissful ignorance.

  32. Last night I had a dream that something was sucking my soul out through my nose, and when I woke up my cat was sitting on my pillow staring down at me. I would send you the cat, but she drools and it’s really annoying so I doubt you would want her.

    P.S. I KNEW you’d find my blog if I linked to you! Thanks for the comment!

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Read Yo-Mama’s Blog. Do It. Do It Now.

  33. Wait a minute. On Sunday, you were going on about how your cat gets off on alien porn (I’m paraphrasing here) and now you’re asking for a another cat. Jenny, what happened to the first one? I mean, should I be calling the SPCA, SETI or the vice squad?

    Steve’s last blog post..Extraordinary Claims…

  34. If you were eaten by a zombie that only had a skeleton face, what would it do with its after-dinner mint? Or should we already know that?

  35. Sorry, I don’t have a cat, but you’re totally welcome to have my dog. And you can keep him 😉

    And LMAO at Dawn’s comment. I wish I had been so lucky.

    Andi’s last blog post..Insanity

  36. Weird. The library just phoned to say the book I had on hold had arrived: The Zombie Survival Guide. This isn’t my usual sort of book but I had to get it when all these references started showing up on craftster.org for it (because what crafter isn’t interested in zombies?). Sounds like you need this book. It’s the ‘source’ for zombie info. Oh and on craftster people were making kits. Survival kits. To give as gifts. Go make friends with someone on crafster.

    jacqui’s last blog post..Quilting Class #2

  37. If I had a cat I’d gladly send it to you because I hate cats. So you could even turn it into a zombie skeleton cat with the burned off head and I wouldn’t care.

    not that I’m trying to give you any ideas or anything …

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..le futur …

  38. “Twilight”, schmilight…

    1978 Don A. Romero “Dawn of the Dead” synopsis excerpt:

    Seeking refuge from the zombies and the ensuing hysteria, they land on top of a Pittsburgh area shopping mall, despite the fact that the undead seem to be flocking there. What begins as a stop for supplies becomes a longer stay as the four become embroiled in a futile war within the mall to keep their flesh to themselves and remain alive.

    Are you sure you weren’t anthropomorphizing the zombie “derivative” sales minions and the skeletal house seeking public in your sleep? Just askin’…

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..“C’est si peu dire que je t’aime…”

  39. see now, that’s where I beg to differ Carole.. I’ve only EVER seen zombies wandering around scaring people..I’ve seen them open their mouths real wide and make scary sounds..but I never knew they were trying to eat my brains!? I’m just going to have to see some studies or something before I’m convinced of this “science” you all speak of..

    that girl’s last blog post..I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sor-…

  40. Typically, and I’m pulling from my vast store of Zombie-movie experiences here, the rule of thumb is that as long as there is a head with skin holding the brain-y bits in, it’s a zombie. Removal of the brains kills the zombie and makes it a skeleton. Those are the rules. Of course, skeletons can’t chase you. Those are also the rules. No ligaments. Just kick it in the skull, or pop off a fibula. Good times… is it crazy that I know this?

  41. Yeah, perhaps this isn’t the best place to come clean, but my family has an entire dead cat gallery. Do you want just dead cat, frozen dead cat, fried cat on the manifold? We also have a wild critter gallery–how about a picture of a blue opossum floating in a pond (well it was floating until my redneck family blew up on inflatable raft and paddled out there to collect it). How do you feel about bloated dead beaver?

  42. Dear fellow Jenny,

    I know you hear this all the time, “You funny.” But in case you don’t hear it all the time, then… I just told you something you seldom hear.

    Aaaanywho. I think you are one of the most hilarious people ever, like pee my pants, funny. And I think it’s cool one time you said (in a comment) I could hang out with you in the men’s bathroom the next time you host a party in which you freak out and hide in the men’s bathroom.

    I wonder if I ever mentioned I used to hang out in the girl’s bathroom in 7th grade during lunch – because I was freaked out… I hid from the girls who I was afraid would tease me for eating. I would SO love to take a walk down memory lane… sit on the counter… play with the hand dryers…

    Also, can we wear matching t-shirts? Am I overstepping? I’m just kidding about the t-shirts… kinda… Maybe we could just have matching shot glasses.

    Hmmm… I think I’m supposed to commenting on skeletons or zombies. Oh well, maybe next time.

    🙂

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..Blogging (WordPress), Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Flickr, Picnik, Motherhood & The Witching Hour

  43. I hid in a seldom-used bathroom through most of highschool with a book. When I think of high school the first thing I think of the sink I sat on every day. Then I think about school burritos. Then I get hungry. I forgot what we were talking about.

  44. I have the most fascinatingest dreams and I used to try and tell my sister about them and she would immediately start doing this thing where she yawns elaborately and pointedly looks at her watch. So rude!!!

  45. How come I never dream about skeletons and zombies?
    And most importantly…why do YOU never dream about zombie-ninjas?

  46. You know what I don’t like about zombies? That they’re totally wasteful.

    They kill people and eat their brains and then just leave the bodies lying around. That is perfectly good nutritious dead person just lying there on the bathroom floor. Which is dirty and gross and a huge pain in the ass for family and/or roommates.

    Not to mention totally unfair to homeless cannibals.

    And then what happens when the body rots or gets cremated and releases CO2 into the atmosphere? Total disaster, that’s what. Ridiculously unsustainable.

    If zombies aren’t going to clean up their messes and compost and fertilize their gardens, then I think we should require each and every one of them, by law, to train and travel with a pack of hungry hyenas.

    Jake’s last blog post..Because He’s Rooting for a Late-Inning Alien Comeback?

  47. Although, if you’re eaten by a zombie on fire, you may pass out sooner from smoke inhalation so the whole thing would be over much, much quicker. Thus, I’d vote to be eaten by a zombie on fire.

    Melissa’s last blog post..Everyone Needs a Hero

  48. You could make a fortune selling tickets to your dreams. I’ll take a week’s worth, for starters. And can I have roller skates? I reckon that’s the best way to outpace the zombies. Unless it’s muddy. Damn. Scratch the roller skates. Just the basic package then. Do you take family bookings?

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Dream Time

  49. Oh crap, now you tell me this, after this morning I just posted about why I am so pissed off with my brother (because in my dream he brought me the wrong kind of doughnuts).

    12ontheinside’s last blog post..I Stole This!

  50. It’s very late and you will probably be the last blog I read tonight, and it was the best one today. Thank you and for the record if God was going to kill for a word I think it would be “like”. I have two teenage girls and they can’t make a complete sentence without using 3-4 times. Hate it!

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Puppy update

  51. I wrote a blog pot about my dream yesterday, and pretty much thought the same thing as you.

    But screw it – we write what we wanna write on our own blogs 🙂

    Kris’s last blog post..Sound Sleeper

  52. I hope nothing happens when I say *sweet* because I totally use that word too much.

    I blogged about my morning poop today and I find this post *sweet*. I guess you have to know your audiance.

    Marie’s last blog post..Maybe I am just a baby

  53. i was going to say that this creature would obviously be a skeletonhead zombie, but after looking through the comments i am less certain. zombleton and skombie are pretty awesome.

    hmm… skomblehead zombleton? zombleskomblehead?

  54. blog is great.

    talking to wife in bed about the skeleton vs. zombie thing. (this was during our cuddle phase). Her take is this. Skeletons are DEAD. DEAD DEAD. Zombies are different, they are LIVING DEAD.

    I thinks she’s on to something. I think. But I’d agree with anything when she is letting me touch her naughty bits.

    reeky’s last blog post..Checkin’ the Chicken

  55. ok, it really doesn’t, because a skeleton is still a skeleton even when it’s not one of the evil undead. So a skeleton that is undead and trying to eat your brains, would technically still be a zombie. The rotting skin to bone ratio doesn’t figure into it, the key is the evil undead trying to eat your brains part.

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