I got sperm covered, y’all.

This weekend my friend Kelly told me that I was on MommyBlips list of Top 10 Mommy Blogs which is weird because first of all this isn’t a mommy blog and secondly because youhavegottobefuckingkiddingme


It’s both impressive and embarrassing.  More embarrassing though.   Also, if you go look at the list today I’m still in the top ten but now my top tag is “Barack Obama” which is bizarre because I haven’t posted about him in forever, except for today when I’m posting about how I don’t really post about Barack Obama.  So, touché, MommyBlips.  Either you are very confused or clairvoyant.

PS. I actually do have a real mommy blog which is giving away a Wii/Wii Fit today and has nothing very little to do with sperm and very little a lot to do with hookers.

Comment of the day: The sperm thing is funny and all, but did you actually take a photograph of your monitor? Wouldn’t a lithograph have been faster? Or maybe wood burnishing? Cave drawing? ~ Clayjack

104 thoughts on “I got sperm covered, y’all.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You’re about to disappoint a lot of Googlers.

    (Unless they also lust after humor, that is.)

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  2. Well, I’m a mom and I think whether or not I relate to you as a mom doesn’t matter, you provide entertainment to break up the monotony. So, thanks.

  3. That top tag list is like some sort of sleep deprived MadLib.

    And congratulations on the niche you’ve carved among mom blogs.

    Finally could someone please pronounce niche for me. Thank you.

    Kiki’s last blog post..I Am Woman Watch Me Spin

  4. I’d blog about sperm if it got me noticed. Barack’s sperm, GWB’s sperm, even my very handsome UPS guys sperm. But that las tone would be all in my very faithfully married imagination, so nothing incriminating, you hear me?

    clickmom’s last blog post..colossal

  5. Bahahaha! That is hilarious. I feel like it’s all I post on your blog- that’s hilarious but that shit is plain funny. And congrats.

  6. I did take a picture of my screen because I was out of town and couldn’t figure out how to do a screen shot on my inlaw’s computer. I realize it looks completely ridiculous.

  7. I was trying to think of a clever pun to write about sperm just so I could write “HA-Cha-cha-cha!!” at the end, but I’m not that cocksure. (zing!)

    Also, I like your “W”.<— not code

    Kurt’s last blog post..Technical Difficulties.

  8. So do people sit out there and puzzle what sperm, the future POTUS and cats wrapped in foil have in common? Or do they just fear for your child?

    annie’s last blog post..Monday Memeing

  9. I LOVE that you took a picture of your screen! That’s the kind of blogging special effects you can’t find just anywhere.

    Next post? Just write it all out on a piece of paper and take a snapshot of that. Everyone knows a hand-written letter is much more personal than something typed anyway.

    Lesley’s last blog post..I’m The Tiger Woods of Bloggers! Unless It’s Like Copyright Infringement Or Libel Or Something, In Which Case I’m Totally Not

  10. Sperm TOTALLY has to do with mommy blogging! I mean without it there would be no babies and therefore no mommies. So I conclude that this is in fact a mommy blog and you definitely deserve to be on the MommyBips list!

    Sounds logical to me.

    Summer’s last blog post..The Blackest Friday

  11. How confounded and generally irritated (and I have to be careful here) the “serious” mommy bloggers must feel when they see you all coming to their little blog ranking list, cracking the top-ten, all drunk and knocking shit over and yelling “SPERM” and passing out in the yard. Awesome.

  12. C’mon, poeple. give her a break. She took a photo of the screen instead of a cap to prove that it’s not photoshopped, because it is much harder to photoshop a photo of the screen at an odd angle than a screencap…

    Okay, I tried to cover for her but it isn’t working, is it?

  13. I wonder what the weirdest word or phrase you could come up with that would show up as your top tag. It’d have to be something that was common enough that people would search for it but weird enough to stand out. Of course then you’d need to insert that word or phrase into your blog frequently enough to bump up your google mojo. It’d be tough to beat the one you’ve already got, though.

    Steve’s last blog post..Breaking News: Log Not Found on Mars

  14. I started to say that it could be worse but then I couldn’t think of anything that could be worse so I decided to keep my trap shut. Then I changed my mind again…. I thought I’d remind you about my 12 Days of Christmas Give Aways

    Mom~E~Centric (www.momecentric.com)

    Mom is Teaching (www.momisteaching.com)

    Education Uncensored (www.educationuncensored.com)

  15. Looks like they got it all covered, from the beginning to the end. I do think it interesting, however, that the entries right abouve you had “Motrin”, “Barack Obama”, and “Nicole Kidman” – sounds like the subject of a very interesting post.


    Ed T.’s last blog post..Coming out on Macro Monday

  16. There’s been a recent surge on my blog for the tag “Rene Magritte”. Like, from almost none to one every minute or so. I wonder if Google’s changed their algorithm. I guess I shouldn’t complain. “Rene Magritte” certainly beats “sperm”.

    Steve’s last blog post..Breaking News: Log Not Found on Mars

  17. Sissy –

    I hear if you relax your jaw and breathe through your nose the gag reflex goes away.

  18. I am so glad to hear that y’all found that part of the WiiFit insulting too. It told my amazingly fit sister in law that she should be about 10 lbs lighter and told my husband who is 6’3″ & 175 lbs that he is right smack in the middle of normal. He’s a beanpole.

    However, I am also annoyed that you are having a giveaway now, since our Wii and Wii Fit arrived today. Somebody’s timing is off. That stupid Wii Fit had better not suggest it’s mine.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..World AIDS Day

  19. ah, but you don’t ‘have sperm covered’… i have yet to see you post about the semen cook book. don’t believe such a thing exists?? oh, it does. even going so far as to cite the fact that ‘semen is generally abundant and found readily in most households’.

    how do i know this?

    my husband sent me a link.

    churchpunkmom’s last blog post..It’s a Major Award!!!

  20. I’m thinking this is a mistake and that you were supposed to be included in the top Monty Blog Rankings. After all…[cue music]…”Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate…”

  21. I think it is completely awesome that you are in the top 10 AND that your top tag was sperm.

    Mine is actually See Kai Run, but I was sure it was going to be dildos… but maybe it was dildos and they decided that was too offensive.

    Damn, I should have used sperm more…

    Petra’s last blog post..Meme-y Monday

  22. may i just ask, as one of the writers of one of those blogs (but not this one, at least not probably, though my alcoholic beverage is whispering to me that it *could* be this one, who knows?, and also, i should go and try to get anthropologie to do a special free shopping-spree for me on my birthday tomorrow, so i’d say it *is* the booze talking – did you even know booze could talk? me neither. wait, no. i did know that. i’ve known it for years. as it happens, tho, i’ve also steadily declined in my ability to remember things bc of the all of the B vitamins sapped from my body thanks to booze. so who’s the booze hound, now? um, Jenny? why did you make me write all of this?


    should I also include a closing parenthesis? is one required? did i forget to capitalize anything here? is my eighth-grade english teacher keeping me after class for this post?




    that i don’t see why we can’t be mommy bloggers and also raunchy, randy, semi(or totally) alcoholic, individuals-as-a-group kinda people?

    am i being redundant? because it’s the booze. also, i’m a mommy blogger. i blame that, too.

    if i were to get pulled over by the internerd police right now, would they take my license to drive on the information superhighway away? hey. there’s a “high” in the middle of that word. ha!


    lildb’s last blog post..making people remember why they avoid this blog like a suspicious stain.

  23. Confession #1: I found your blog when I googled Sperm.
    Confession #2: I don’t know why I was googling Sperm. (maybe the wine?)
    Confession#3: I still haven’t figured out what your site has to do with sperm but I check back everyday expecting a post about sperm and why I was googling it.

  24. Wow -sperm – top 10 – nice. Congrats!

    So – I was not sure if I should give you a pitch or not but since I spent 10 minutes enjoying your blog and wee that you have a 3 year old who must be as funny as Mom – what the heck.

    I started a new blog called Logical Kid and I am looking for funny stories from kids and their own logical view of the world. You must have dozens…how about sending one my way?

    Thanks! And thanks for the great “non mommy blog” – I’ll be back!

    Dad S

    Dad S’s last blog post..Six Year Old Knows

  25. What I am wondering is how someone can blog about Nicole Kidman that much? She isn’t even all that interesting except for that… well no. She isn’t interesting at all.

    And Motrin?

    Maybe if it was blog posts about Nicole Kidman going for a swim in a pool full of children’s motrin. Or Nicole Kidman forcing Tom Cruise to eat Motrin.

    I’m done.

    Georgette’s last blog post..Is this when I die and come back as a rich woman? Like Oprah?

  26. Some people just get all the good publicity. Just read the posts from the Mommy bloggers #1 -9 this week; they’ll all be about sperm!

  27. I’d like to say I found you because of “sperm”, but in reality…it was “burrito”. I’m not sure which I enjoy more.

    Cat’s last blog post..Blog Roll

  28. Holy freakin’ funny.

    Man. I want some free shit that I can break and talk about in a chatoom where I say things that people won’t understand.

    You may be my new idol.

    Kris’s last blog post..Bite This

  29. It was fun having you follow me on Twitter for all of 5 seconds. It hadn’t occured to me until this morning that since 99 percent of my Twits are direct replies I’m probably less interesting than I think.

    I don’t think I can be the new you. You’ve got 100 comments here. I don’t recall a single blog post I’ve ever written that got 100 comments. Anyway, the pressure is too much.

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Random News and Political Bullshit

  30. I think a ‘Sperm Theme Park’ is right up your alley. Or whatever you call that thing.
    Seriously, you could make a lot of money, or something.
    I shouldn’t ever go into archived material. It’s just too dangerous.

  31. I was really disappointed that this article was not about you being actually covered in sperm. It happens to my girlfriend often, and I always have a good laugh. Also, my friend told me this story about how he talked his girlfriend into taking a facial like a porn star, but when the time came for her to do the deal she just cowered before him moving away from his penis with her hands held palms out in front of her face like she was a vampire trying to avoid the sun. That is, it was HOT!

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