Abridged email conversation from a couple of months ago… (Legal disclaimer: My quotes are direct. Theirs are slightly paraphrased.)
Them: We’d like to send you a G1 Google Android phone to play with. You can use it for free for 6 months! We like exclamation points! Google!
Me: That sounds awesome except that I already have a phone. It seems weird to have two phones. Except that then I could call my husband with one and then call him again with the other and make him put me on hold so he could answer me and that would kind of be awesome. But I guess technically I could do that already with my cell phone and my home phone. Unless I was calling him on the home phone. Now I have a headache.
So short answer, I’d love to try a new phone if it was free but only if afterward I could donate it to the cellphones for soldiers recycling program because I’d feel stupid for having two phones.
Them: That’s probably do-able but you do have to agree to join a chat group of select people and it’s top secret and you should all wear masks like in Eyes Wide Shut. Someone’s probably gonna get raped.*
Me: I’m intrigued.
So then I got the phone and the chatroom was totally empty so I left all these messages because I’m ten.
Jenny: I just got my phone. I’m a little concerned about the “android” part because it sounds like my phone could kill me.
Jenny: It’s super fucking fast though so at least death would be quick.
Jenny: Am I supposed to take the positronic brain out at night just in case?
Jenny: Wait. This thing doesn’t have a positronic brain. Just a bunch of wires. Also, it’s very hard to take apart.
Jenny: This phone is not waterproof and does not float at all.
Jenny: All the calls I’ve made Yugloslavia have been very clear, however several of the 900 calls I’ve made have dropped at very inopportune times.
Jenny: Crap. I meant to say “TO Yugoslavia”. Also, I meant to say “1-900 calls” and not to imply that I’ve actually *made* 900 calls already because that would be ridiculous.
Then I got another email from the google guy telling us that he thought we should know who was actually in our focus group and basically it was the guy who invented the internet and his SuperFriends who are all billionaire tech stars and who never write about dead hobos or about how to tell midgets and dwarves apart and I was all SHIT, I HAVE FUCKED UP MY REPUTATION and so I went to make a bunch of really good comments so I would push the dumb-ass ones off the front of the page so no one would see them and that’s when I realized that the front screen of my phone was frozen and that I had broken the fucking phone. On the very first day I got it. Right after I told the guy who sent it to me that the phone should come with a tiny chisel because mine was too big.
So I admitted to breaking it and they actually sent me another one, which is awesome stupid because I’m going to break it too so I told my friend Erica that I was just going to pretend that I was using it and send nice comments about how great it was but not actually ever open it so it stays safe and she was all “Dude. They made the damn phone. I think they can tell if you’re not really using it” and then I felt even more dumb and also I realized I’d lost the address for the chatroom and the password. I’m pretty much the worst focus group person ever.
*I’ve never actually seen Eyes Wide Shut. Also, no one at google wants you to get raped. Probably. It’s a pretty big company though so maybe one guy does. I don’t know how to do rape statistics.
UPDATED: So I emailed this post to the guy who made twitter so he could see that I’m not as stupid as I seemed in the chatroom and he was all “There’s a chatroom?”. So basically I was trying to defuse the situation by showing him this post defending why I left those ridiculous messages in the chatroom that he didn’t even know existed. I’m like the fucking Charlie Brown of blogging.
Comment of the day: Google should’ve expected ppl to conduct “float tests”. How else were you supposed to prove it wasn’t a witch? ~ Ali