UPDATED: Robot phone made me look stupid in front of the guy who invented twitter

Abridged email conversation from a couple of months ago…  (Legal disclaimer: My quotes are direct.  Theirs are slightly paraphrased.)

Them:  We’d like to send you a G1 Google Android phone to play with.  You can use it for free for 6 months!  We like exclamation points!  Google!

Me:  That sounds awesome except that I already have a phone.  It seems weird to have two phones. Except that then I could call my husband with one and then call him again with the other and make him put me on hold so he could answer me and that would kind of be awesome.  But I guess technically I could do that already with my cell phone and my home phone.  Unless I was calling him on the home phone. Now I have a headache. 

So short answer, I’d love to try a new phone if it was free but only if afterward I could donate it to the cellphones for soldiers recycling program because I’d feel stupid for having two phones.

Them:  That’s probably do-able but you do have to agree to join a chat group of select people and it’s top secret and you should all wear masks like in Eyes Wide Shut. Someone’s probably gonna get raped.*

Me:  I’m intrigued.

So then I got the phone and the chatroom was totally empty so I left all these messages because I’m ten.

Jenny:  I just got my phone.  I’m a little concerned about the “android” part because it sounds like my phone could kill me.

Jenny: It’s super fucking fast though so at least death would be quick.

Jenny: Am I supposed to take the positronic brain out at night just in case?

Jenny: Wait. This thing doesn’t have a positronic brain. Just a bunch of wires. Also, it’s very hard to take apart.

Jenny: This phone is not waterproof and does not float at all.

Jenny:  All the calls I’ve made Yugloslavia have been very clear, however several of the 900 calls I’ve made have dropped at very inopportune times.

Jenny:  Crap. I meant to say “TO Yugoslavia”. Also, I meant to say “1-900 calls” and not to imply that I’ve actually *made* 900 calls already because that would be ridiculous.

Then I got another email from the google guy telling us that he thought we should know who was actually in our focus group and basically it was the guy who invented the internet and his SuperFriends who are all billionaire tech stars and who never write about dead hobos or about how to tell midgets and dwarves apart and I was all SHIT, I HAVE FUCKED UP MY REPUTATION and so I went to make a bunch of really good comments so I would push the dumb-ass ones off the front of the page so no one would see them and that’s when I realized that the front screen of my phone was frozen and that I had broken the fucking phone.  On the very first day I got it.  Right after I told the guy who sent it to me that the phone should come with a tiny chisel because mine was too big.

So I admitted to breaking it and they actually sent me another one, which is awesome stupid because I’m going to break it too so I told my friend Erica that I was just going to pretend that I was using it and send nice comments about how great it was but not actually ever open it so it stays safe and she was all “Dude.  They made the damn phone.  I think they can tell if you’re not really using it” and then I felt even more dumb and also I realized I’d lost the address for the chatroom and the password.  I’m pretty much the worst focus group person ever. 

*I’ve never actually seen Eyes Wide Shut.  Also, no one at google wants you to get raped.  Probably.  It’s a  pretty big company though so maybe one guy does.  I don’t know how to do rape statistics.

UPDATED:  So I emailed this post to the guy who made twitter so he could see that I’m not as stupid as I seemed in the chatroom and he was all “There’s a chatroom?”.  So basically I was trying to defuse the situation by showing him this post defending why I left those ridiculous messages in the chatroom that he didn’t even know existed.  I’m like the fucking Charlie Brown of blogging.

Comment of the day: Google should’ve expected ppl to conduct “float tests”.  How else were you supposed to prove it wasn’t a witch? ~ Ali

165 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I have seriously not laughed that much for days. Are you busy for the rest of my life? I think I need you more than your relatives do. No, really.

  2. i’m in the same focus group! i was wondering who was posting all the dumbass comments in the chatroom! glad you cleared it up! i like exclamation points too!

    jill’s last blog post..adventures in Christmas shopping

  3. This is a first for me. I am literally at a loss for words. Hmm….

    Renée aka Mekhismom’s last blog post..Word(less)Ful Wednesday – Queen of the Road

  4. You will leave your brain to science, yes? I mean, not for like a million years, obviously, but still.

    Marinka’s last blog post..As God is My Witness, I Will Never Haggle Again.

  5. Do you really think it has anything to do with the phone?

    Just saying!

    It could be a donut and you’d manage to f*ck it up somehow. That’s part of your sweet drunken charm!

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..What else would it smell like?

  6. The phone doesn’t float?

    That is just whack.


    Dammit. Neither does mine.

    Now how am I gunna feed my kids if I can’t call for pizza. Damn Google. It is all their fault.

    Kelley’s last blog post..My day. Cause I really really couldn’t be bothered thinking up a witty or bizarre title for a post about what I ate for lunch.

  7. Oh shit, no one trust ANYTHING she says now because she is a) an anroid (duh) and b) owned by google. A google anroid walking and talking (assumed) and blogging (fact) – SCARY.

    the ex’s last blog post..Less than 5°.

  8. You haven’t fucked up your reputation. Just made it all that more awesome!

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Month 2 Day #2

  9. Glad I’m not the only ten year old around!

    derfina’s last blog post..Patience, Prudence

  10. You’ve totally convinced me to buy that phone.

    Also? You’re not missing anything by not watching Eyes Wide Shut.

    Kelly’s last blog post..Listy McListerson

  11. You are my favourite source of pleasant surprises.

    Nils’s last blog post..Allie and Fred

  12. That was actually a pretty fair and unbiased review, dude. And although the Superfriends may be more earnest, earnest sincerity really gets right up my left nostril, so I’m glad I read your review first. And now I’m going to stop before I read what I just wrote and cement my self image as a retard.

  13. Dude, send me the phone and I’ll use it for you and tell you all the good shit about it. I’m really curious how it compares to the iPhone though.

    I bet the iPhone would float. It probably has built in life preservers because Apple is just that awesome.

  14. Lmao! That is too freakin funny! I could imagine their reaction to reading your comments on the forum….nice!

  15. Damn, no one ever sends me phones. They throw them at me, but that’s a little different.

    Jim’s last blog post..Awardified

  16. I really need to stop by here more often because each time I do I am kind of astonished that anyone can cram that much awesome into any given blog post.

    Also, fuck. You have CommentLuv enabled and my last blog post was laaaame. I totally should have left a comment here after my post about sculpture involving taxidermied chipmunks with doll heads in flower pots. <3

    Victoria Marinelli’s last blog post..Well in excess of any anticipated 38 spanks

  17. A floating phone is brilliant. They should definitely add that feature. That one comment makes you the best focus group ever.

    Missives From Suburbia’s last blog post..Real Estate Schadenfreude

  18. Your chat room conversations are like my replies to myself on Twitter. Hey, I make sense to myself.

    Heather’s last blog post..One Step Back

  19. can’t…

    Literally died laughing.

  20. Seriously…next time? Use the screen name “Al Gore”.

    You can talk about dead hobos all you want. No one will mess with you.

  21. I want to be in the Eyes Wide Shut chat group. As long as Tom Cruise isn’t there. His teeth look like giant Chiclets and he uses the word glib.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..olde school

  22. I’ve only been on one focus group and that was for lip gloss. I cheated though and used all of the lip gloss and didn’t send back the remainder like they wanted me too because (a) I’m lazy and (b) why do they want my used lip gloss? That’s gross. And also suspicious. And then I got all freaked out that the lip gloss focus group was really just a scam to steal my DNA so they could create clones of me and do weird things to them.

    Then I realized that was probably all ridiculous but I still never sent that lip gloss back.

    Also, I completely forgot to fill out the feedback form, so basically I just got a tube of free lip gloss without having to do anything except freak out needlessly about scientists stealing my DNA.

    (I would have said that the lip gloss was awesome, though, in case anyone from that survey place is reading.)

    Still, your phone focus group is way cooler.

    bejewell’s last blog post..The Finish Line

  23. That’s too funny. So’s this: http://www.flat-d.com/products.html

    jamie’s last blog post..Sidetracked! The Great Dickens Christmas Fair

  24. You didn’t break the robot phone. You killed it before it could kill you. I call that self-defense!

    the slackmistress’s last blog post..(Un)intentional Goals for the Year.

  25. i’m sorry that you felt so alone in the chat room, jenny. it’s not always easy to be alone. have you tried writing poetry? it’s a great solitary activity… as is masturbation, but that’s only entertaining yourself and not us, so while i wouldn’t not suggest it, i’d much rather be entertained by you. oh wait, i’m not saying that i want you to “entertain” me like that… um… shit.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Stretching Your Christmas Bucks

  26. God I hope people keep giving you stuff to review. Yours are the fucking best ever.

  27. I’ve given up on ever being first to comment on this blog because, by the time I type the word “FIRST”, I’m number 15. Then I look like a douche. Which would happen anyway if I said “FIRST!” on a blog.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..olde school

  28. Is it weird that I wanna be you?

  29. Did you know that there’s also a way the phone people can tell if you’ve dropped your cell phone in a toilet or if you let your kid use it as a teething toy? Then when you call up and try to bullshit your way into a new phone after you destroy your old phone with the toilet or baby spit they will totally bust you with the secret baby spit / toilet water detector.

    From experience, people.

    P.S. You really haven’t missed anything with Eyes Wide Shut.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Mah Tree (And More Christmas Tree Pictures Than You Ever Thought You Wanted To See)

  30. It wasn’t a chatroom, Jenny. It was one of those observation room thingy’s with the one way mirrors. Don’t fold! Just keep talking. That’ll fool them. For Sure.

    You are frickin’ hysterical!

  31. Jamie- you’re close, but the iPhone does not in fact float. That bitch straight up walks on water.

    I’m writing this on said bitch, while in the bath, so you know I know this to be true for sure.

  32. This is brilliant. Some of the best, funniest writing I’ve read anywhere in a long while. Thank you for making me snort white wine out of my nose and on to my keyboard. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

    Tom Cunniff’s last blog post..Star Trek vs Star Wars: Battle of the Brands

  33. I hate when I wait to read your blog after everyone goes to bed because my laughter will always wake someone and not everyone in this house (ahem, the 4 and 5 year olds) understand your humor…..God you are cracking me up…

    And, hey, while you are cracking people up over here, will you tell them about the contests on my blog because dude, no one is entering and the same 2 people are going to win all 12 days on all 3 blogs……c’mon, please….

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..12 Days of Christmas ~ Give ~ Away ~ Day Two ~ Mom~E~Centric

  34. The lesson I have learned from this post is, “Always listen to Maria.” She totally said you were made of comedic genius.

    Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On Being Part of the Solution

  35. You are always such a dizzying breath of fresh air. I always have to untangle myself from your words before I attempt to rejoin the real world because the desire to talk in roundabout, serpentining, run-on sentences is so great. Did that make sense? No? Score!

    Oh, and as if you needed any proof of your awesomeness – they gave you a second robot phone. On purpose! I say, break this one too (or just say you did) and see what happens. Maybe it’s not just a phone. Maybe it’s trying to get into your brain so the twitter guy can figure out how you tick.

    Walking With Scissors’s last blog post..Victorious!

  36. That’s HILARIOUS!

  37. Why did you call Yugoslavia? Do you have family or friends there? Cuz if you do, could you call again and see if one of them will get me a Hard Rock – Belgrade t-shirt to complete my collection…?

    WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Solecism

  38. So you insulted Bill Gates and the rest of his Geek Squad in their super secret message board? Awesome!

    I can imagine quite a few Napoleon Dynamite disgusted “chuhs” flew around THAT meeting room.

    Jaci’s last blog post..In which I distract you with a cute picture, and then reveal my evil plan

  39. Be careful. This new android they sent you may reprogram your brain to say nice things about it. If you start blogging about flowers and puppy dogs (not dead ones), we’ll know it’s gotten to you.

    Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..I was so mad I chopped down a tree.

  40. Google is building a really big satellite office near my home. I’m going to now be extra cautious when I’m out and about.

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..(you drive me) crazy

  41. I actually sleep with the guy who invented the internet and his SuperFriends billionaire tech stars…they’re alright…pays the bills. I’ll put in a few good words for you.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Merry Sitsmas

  42. ps we both know the only person I’m sleeping with is the dead hobo, but hey, a girl can dream right?

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Merry Sitsmas

  43. I wonder how many phones you can “break” before they wise up and stop sending you replacements. Hey, think you could send one of the “broken” ones my way?

    Steve’s last blog post..Breaking News: Log Not Found on Mars

  44. HA. HAhahahahahahhaahhahaha. You’re nuts in the best possible way.

    Maria’s last blog post..Immoral Parenting: Heaven & Hell

  45. […] I can't stop laughing. […]

  46. Send me your phone. I will love it for you 😉

    Erika Jurney’s last blog post..And today we’re spinning

  47. 47

    Is a focus group like a control group? My pills tasted like sugar and I’m still wetting the bed most nights.

  48. That is one the best non-reviews I’ve ever read.

    melanie @ meladramatic mommy’s last blog post..My Extravagantly Indulgent Christmas Wishlist

  49. Gawd I want to be you. Google people send you phones? Except, I don’t like cell phones so I would rather, if anyone gets the idea to send me free stuff, have Lulu Lemon wear or one of those Flip things you can make videos with. Wow, that was like a Christmas list. Maybe Santa turns into a billionaire techies at Google when you become an adult and they send you phones! Better than Santa really because I don’t remember that he ever replaced something after I broke it.

    annie’s last blog post..The Master of My Domain(name)

  50. I cannot see how this can do anything but enhance your reputation. Good work! Keep it up!

    mark’s last blog post..Raise Your Hand if You Remember “Project: Metrosexual”

  51. Yours is a fiercely funny blog. Perhaps the funniest. It always has at least 50% more hobo stuff than other blogs.

  52. I like the first comment by Braja because she also wants to marry you, so now I’m not the only one. Except – your husband probably thinks you’re annoying, and if I married you, I probably would too. My husband thinks all the most awesome things about me are annoying. We should just keep having this affair, so it stays fun.

    Kat’s last blog post..NaBloPoNOMO!

  53. Know what’s funny? Rape jokes. No, I’m serious.

    I’m serious. They can be hilarious. This one was great.

    Stop looking at me like I’m being all sarcastic at you. I’m not. I laughed at the rape joke.

    Look, what’s it going to take for you to believe me?

    This is really awkward.

    Do you have any Holocaust jokes?

    That looks snarky, but I’m laughing my head off.

    I wish you believed me. Stop calling me a liar.

    How about an Indian genocide joke? Like, “Q: What do you call a Mohawk walking down the street? A: Don’t be stupid. Haircuts can’t walk.”

    God I’m funny.

    I want to reiterate: I laughed at the rape joke.


    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..A Speech (shelved)

  54. You do know this post is going to screw up any chance of redemption for your tags, right?

  55. I wonder whose dead fingers you have to use to get this phone to work…

    gingela5’s last blog post..It’s SITSmas Time…

  56. i would leave it in the box. didn’t you ever watch star trek? i’m pretty sure Data was an android and he was really pale. so you’d probably have to keep the phone out of the sun. and since it doesn’t float, it would totally suck at the beach. i’m just saying.

    MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..Making a List and Checking it Twice. Or Not.

  57. OMG, laughed so hard I thought I was going to wake every one up!

    Sonya’s last blog post..Grace in the small things 9

  58. Fuck Soldiers, what are a Texan or something. Give the damn phone to me. I’m Canadian and God knows we get our shit like 6 years after you Americans. Better yet just give me the iphone but don’t forget to send all your dead hobo accessories with it!

    LovingDanger’s last blog post..Trying To Work Out My Beliefs

  59. Okay – seriously? As a faithful reader, I have to say: This is a Top Five Post for me of Favorite Bloggess Posts Ever. (Which is no small feat considering there are about 176 posts on that list.) If you do get assassinated — referencing your tweet — way to go out on top!

    Lesley’s last blog post..I’m The Tiger Woods of Bloggers! Unless It’s Like Copyright Infringement Or Libel Or Something, In Which Case I’m Totally Not

  60. Weird. I’m watching The Accused, which is about rape, and you mentioned rape on your blog. Connection? Perhaps.

  61. I love the disclaimers!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..My Crazy Son & Life

  62. Chatrape is no laughing matter, JennyTheBloggess.

    But you WOULD get to go around telling everyone you got fux0r3d. Total geek cred.

    (It’s great how they wanted someone who openly admits her difficulty staying focused as part of their focus group. Different meanings, I know, but it was still too rich not to point out.)

  63. One day Google will rule the entire planet from an orbital space station. Just wait.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Prepare To Be Boarded & Awarded

  64. If I invented Twitter, I would NEVER see you as stupid.
    Just you taking a chisel to resize your Robot Phone to
    fit is evidence enough.

  65. So about Eyes Wide Shut..I’ve had a song stuck in my head all day that has those words in it. How coincidental. It goes something likes this: blah blah blah eyes wide shut, unopen blah blah blah. I think it’s by Sara Bareilles..

  66. You talked to Al Gore?

    When Google rules the Earth they will have all my money. It will suck. For me. I think they’ll probably enjoy it.

    Kylie’s last blog post..How to Make Mommy Take a Time Out

  67. I’m pretty sure there’s more than one guy at Google who is into rape – just sayin’.

    I’m your new number 1 stalker fan.

    Dana’s last blog post..27 Free Must-have Online Collaboration Tools

  68. I think you might be more the Larry David or George Costanza of blogging. Maybe.

    Serenity now!

    Avitable’s last blog post..First Annual Avitable Holiday Gift Guide

  69. Do you have to consent to the rape to get the phone?

    califmom’s last blog post..I’m Back, But Not Because I Want To Be — Plus Free Stuff

  70. Every time Oscar Meyer invents a new meat they send me free meat and then I have to chat about it. I’m always like, “No one can beat your meat.”

    I never eat the meat. I throw it at homeless people from my car. I’m not a good person.

    You’re funny.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  71. I think there’s actually a GPS homing device in the phone and the people from the internet are just trying to keep an eye on you because they read your blog and they worry someday you are going to take over the interweb with your thousands of minions.

    Just an idea…

    Petra’s last blog post..Reader Request: How NOT to Pierce Your Nipple

  72. I misspelled Oscar Mayer. There should be a song or something that reminds us all how to spell it.

  73. “So I emailed this post the guy who invented twitter so he…”

    Didn’t you mean you “…emailed this post TO the guy…”

    At least you’re consistent with the words you omit…not that I’m the Word Police or anything.

    Robin ~ PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Chubby buddies

  74. Maybe you’re the person they send it to test if even the retards can use it.

    I’m sorry, that was insensitive to the mentally challenged. Not that I’m calling you mentally challenged. Google said that.

    Carolyn Online’s last blog post..Yeah, I’m a big fat stinkin’ liar. So?

  75. 1) It’s classic that they couldn’t find a peer for you and put you in a focus group alone (and then they lied about it and told you there were a bunch of really important people in your focus group). I bet the guys at Google have your focus group chat room on a big monitor in their super-geek lunch room at the Google compound.

    2) If your android phone could kill you it would probably also rape you first.

    3) Eyes wide shut is worth watching just for the tits.

    4) You have real talent for technical writing about new technology. You could get a 4th job with CNET or Consumer Reports.

  76. UPDATED reply:

    Every time that I think that I can’t love you any more than I already do, I take some ecstacy and I can!

    Marinka’s last blog post..As God is My Witness, I Will Never Haggle Again.

  77. I’ve never been in a focus group but I imagine it going pretty much as you’ve described it here. Only with more eye lasers. (It must be a super-hero focus group if *I’m* in it.)

    Kurt’s last blog post..Upward-Facing Dog

  78. This post makes me think I need more caffeine.

    And a totally new phone.

    CircusKelli’s last blog post..I’ve been told

  79. Rape statistics can be easily accessed in Google Analytics under Visitors -> Visitor Trending.

    cyniclite’s last blog post..It’s (dream) official!

  80. The Charlie Brown of blogging. Priceless.

  81. All I can say is that if they could put your brain in a phone, I’d buy two of them. Then at least I’d have one interesting person to call up, put on hold, then call again.

  82. Reading this blog brings me much joy.

    groovehouse’s last blog post..Canon 5D

  83. […] I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to get Jenny the bloggess to join in your focus group or write a review of your product?  Seriously.  She’s done a few of these and they generally start with her telling the companies they are nutz asking her, but Jenny gets the word out.  She’s reviewed some online card company where you can create your own messages, the Wii Fit and now the Google Andoid phone.  […]

  84. Oh my God, this just upped my Laughter Quotient for the day by, like, 180%

    Cynical Nymph’s last blog post..And Let’s Call This One “1b”

  85. Now, not only is Google keeping tabs on you, but I’m pretty sure the government is, too.

    Though they probably were before this post, come to think of it.

    Annie’s last blog post..Day Thirty: I Will Be Frank. I Put Very Little Effort Into This Month.

  86. so, it’s totally not related to this post at all, but this made me think of you so I had to share.

  87. SO it’s you and the supernerds you invented the internet? Weird.

    shonda’s last blog post..Christmas Must’ve Come Early….More Nixon Tapes Released

  88. I would make sure to put your posts in the chat room in ALL CAPS.

    That’s sure to impress them.

    t2ed’s last blog post..I’d Have Voted For This Rudy

  89. Singular focus groups with chatrooms are the internet equivalent of a padded observation room.

    Kristine’s last blog post..Monthly Newsletter #26

  90. You make me feel so much better about myself. Really.

    Rhea’s last blog post..East of the Mississippi

  91. So…when you say that you’re the Charlie Brown of blogging…that’s because he’s so smart? And ept (shut up spellcheck I think it’s a word. If inept’s a word, it’s word)? And….really graceful?

    Because that’s totally how I read that. Just saying.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Unrelated Snippets

  92. these fucking crappy phones still have nary a flamethrower…. nary

    furiousball’s last blog post..sloppy seconds

  93. Best post EVA!!!! You are freaking hilarious.

    If only I had your comedic wit, and your hair. What?

    Jenn’s last blog post..Crows Feet On Crack

  94. The fact that you thought, “SHIT, I HAVE FUCKED UP MY REPUTATION,” makes it for me on this post.

  95. in my rss reader, you are in the middle and it is perfect. i read a lot of news and techie shit, but then i come to yours and get to take a nice break.

    muchisimas gracias…

    Jim Gaudet’s last blog post..What is uSocial.net? Spammers?

  96. You just solidified my decision not to accept a free phone review offer I got this morning in my e-mail!!


    Suburban Turmoil’s last blog post..Boy Toys

  97. Y’know, this just makes me want to create something dubiously useful, just so I can send it to you for review. I mean, I’m sure I can come up with something comparable to cross-dressing minifigs or a phone that does all sorts of things including (possibly) making actual phone calls, provided you don’t, like, handle it too much.

    How about a biodegradable umbrella? Make it out of recycle corn starch or something. Environmentally friendly and works really well as long as you don’t get it wet too often. Would you be interested in reviewing something like that?

    Steve’s last blog post..Low-tech Search

  98. I would totally review your terrible corn starch umbrella.

  99. I was only in one Focus Group and it was about HSN…and we had to describe it as a person and we all started comparing it to an old lady with blue hair and a pink cadillac from that pink makeup place, whatever it’s called…it was really.funny.but you had to be there sort of thing…

    You do know that there is no more Yugoslavia, right? Not trying to be a smartass, just saying…because my dh is from the former Yugoslavia, so I feel smart because I know this 😉


    Bella Casa’s last blog post..Winter Wonderland & Jive Turkeys, Too!

  100. Aside from this being one of the funniest posts evah, I was kinda upset that only one and a half kittens were strangled.

    kaila’s last blog post..Scary Mice with Shitty Pizza – part deux

  101. You should have said “Ya’ll, these cell phone cup cakes are a brilliant idea! Mine tastes like cotton candy with metal shards.”

    Georgette’s last blog post..I’llllll be hoooooome for Chriiisstmasssss…

  102. You’ve got me cracking up with this one-seriously, sitting here thinking of the “focus group” and laughing. Sending the link to my husband now. He definitely needs a laugh today!

  103. I don’t see you as the Charlie Brown of blogging. To my mind, you’re more the PigPen of blogging. We never know what’s going to come flying out of the dust cloud.

    Only, you’re not dirty, you’re crazy, so it’s the crazy cloud that’s going to eject these amazing topics that bean us on the head. Which means you’re either Crazy Pen or Pig Crazy, and frankly, I’m not sure which title fits you better. You choose.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..Wiped

  104. That’s ridiculous. If you were really the Charlie Brown of blogging then the twitter dude’s response would have been, “WHAH WAH WAH WAH WHAH, WAH WAH WAH WHAAAAAH.” Everybody knows that.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..Standing Up, Punching Out

  105. 106
    Alyssa in SF

    Wow, The Bloggess knows Ev? He is such a nice guy. This makes stalking you so much easier….

  106. 106 comments? Seriously? 106? And people are saying that I’m the new you? Yeah, I don’t think so. I don’t get 106 comments in a week. I don’t think I get 106 comments in a month sometimes. And now, thanks to me, you have at least 107. I’ve never had 107 comments.

    So, you met the guy who created Twitter? Was he a twit. Bwa ha! Oh, I crack me up.

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Tweet Tweet

  107. OK, what is up with this? My last comment has a 105 next to it and it said you already had 106 before I even got here. Did two people get mad, take their comments, and leave?

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Tweet Tweet

  108. Apparently two comments are pingbacks from other blogs. They count as comments but aren’t listed as comments. It doesn’t make much sense.

  109. Holy shit you made Rape funny.

    You’re like some kind of evil comedic genius!!

    (And I mean evil in the most awesome way. Promise.)

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..Because Edward Cullen Would Kick Nintendo’s Ass In A Fight

  110. And here I thought you had peaked with the whole starving kids eating shoes post…

    Melessa’s last blog post..Muppet Monday

  111. “I’m like the fucking Charlie Brown of blogging.”

    Best ending line ever.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..“Scheduling Service” – I think it’s a winner.

  112. I once made a fool of myself in front of the guy who invented latex, but he thought it was endearing, so I’m set for life on condoms and balloons.

    Cat’s last blog post..Blog Roll

  113. […] take on The Blogess’s Android experience. Jenny: Wait. This thing doesn’t have a positronic brain. Just a bunch of wires. Also, it’s […]

  114. I bet you could Google how to do rape statistics. Then you would be using Google to find out how many people at Google want you to get raped.

    See? Full circle.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Adventures in Pet Photography

  115. I wish I could invent something so I could have you review it. That would rock.

    ben’s last blog post..taking up Golf

  116. Dude. You’re the Charlie Brown of blogging? What the hell does that make me?

    Oh, yeah. That’s right. Linus’s blanket. Never mind.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Dialog, Part 17

  117. you could fix this whole situation by telling them a fingerless hobo stole your phone and was posing as you in that chatroom

    fidget’s last blog post..This playroom thing?

  118. BAH. The guy who invented the internet clearly can’t handle the truth.

    anna’s last blog post..Gonzo Journalism at Spin Class

  119. Between this and your dog Tweets today, I have reached my quota in laughing out loud inappropriately in the office.

    Thank you!

    Kristabella’s last blog post..Maybe I’m OK With Being Single

  120. Dude, just blame it on the drugs. That’s what I do. Works every time.

  121. I was going to say that I couldn’t think of a good comment because all the best comments have already been taken, but then I thought that might be insulting to everyone who posted a comment after me, especially if they were totally awesome, so yeah, the next comment will knock your socks off.

    No pressure.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Science Lesson

  122. You are one of the funniest people ever. If I could give you a ROFL award every day, I would.

    Lottifish’s last blog post..Budget Holiday

  123. Oh, I think it just might be the “focus” part you are lacking. Don’t worry, you kick a geek’s ass in your writing’s eloquence any day.

    Linda S’s last blog post..Bag the Tags…go Tagless

  124. I have to agree with Katie. “Shit, I have fucked up my reputation” Too damn funny!

    Brandy’s last blog post..What’s Your Wish List?

  125. red rover, red rover, send Bloggess right over.

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..Why Teacher’s go to the Liquor Store…

  126. I am laughing so hard! Near you, not at you. Well, maybe a tiny little bit AT you. But in a nice way.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Interview: Barb Nelis Stamps Out Naked Mail

  127. I bet that Sumbitch would float if’n you filled it full of Ivory Soap. The “bar” soap…not the Liquid.

    cIII’s last blog post..Aftermath

  128. I got raped by Google once, but only while searching for ‘sperm’.

    And my Googleraper wore a Betty Boop mask, so I was actually kind of horrified and giddy all at the same time.

    Michael’s last blog post..I Used to Date A Stapler…

  129. Google is anti-rape I’m sure. It’s those fuckers over a Yahoo! you’ve got to worry about. I mean, they have a freaking exclamation point in their name. How suspect is that?

  130. 128 comments later and we are still talking and reading about some new Google phone…yeah…Google! knows what they’re doing alright….

  131. Now see, he probably thought you were playing up your silly comments to make him feel less stupid for not knowing there was a chat room, right Charlie?

    Steph @ Problem Solvin Mom’s last blog post..Fabulous Stocking Stuffers

  132. Google is the new government dude. I’m more scared of pissing off Google than I am of pissing off my government, or yours. And they don’t even threaten us with invasive body searches…how sinister is that?

    Yaya’s last blog post..Santa is a slippery bugger!

  133. So like are you at all worried that Google’s real intent with the android phone was to monitor your conversations or like make they implanted something in your brain via that crazy phone.

    I don’t know …maybe you should be very afraid.

    WM’s last blog post..Oh mah gawd, my morning was so awesome.

  134. Freakin hell I wish I could type.

    That was supposed to have said:
    So like are you at all worried that Google’s real intent with the android phone was to monitor your conversations or like maybe they implanted something in your brain via that crazy phone.

    I don’t know …maybe you should be very afraid.

    WM’s last blog post..Oh mah gawd, my morning was so awesome.

  135. wow. first time I’m disappointed in you jenny. all that action in the chat room and not one comment about being naked, wearing a dead snake for a mask, or doing it with midgets.

    you can redeem yourself as my favorite evil bloggess by telling me you donated the BROKEN phone to the soldiers.

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..the sparrow has landed…

  136. Don’t blame yourself for the phone breaking…Google should’ve expected ppl to conduct “float tests”…how else were you supposed to prove it wasn’t a witch???

  137. I actually snorted my drink out my nose while reading this. It felt terrible. But you’re a laugh riot so that’s ok.

    Thanks for making my drink go up my nose!

    Desiree – Mother Musings’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – 48th Edition

  138. I so needed a laugh today, and you so provided me one!!!!
    Thank you for that!!!

    mebeingrandom’s last blog post..Holiday Wish List

  139. You are without a doubt the funniest person I’ve never met!

    Daddy Dan’s last blog post..Great Toddler Christmas Gifts – 2008 Edition (Part 1)

  140. 141
    Wendy Wyatt

    Hey Miss Bloggess – This is an update to a previous comment I left – and that you replied to (I’m on painkillers for a bad tooth, so don’t think my brain is clear enough to go back and find it in the archives….sorry). It was in reference to my 5 year old daughter “not really wanting to kill Barbie….but I kind of do…” to which you replied that you believed she was doing god’s work…. and then told me to point her in the direction of those damn Bratz dolls…. Well, according to a Yahoo headline I just read, my dear Halle Jane has been busy (and is more powerful that I knew). ….what shall we point her towards next? (and what about that election…???!!! It’s not entirely out of the question that she had something to do with that)

  141. There is no sperm in this post. I am disappointed. Hehehe!

    Just kidding!

    Hey bloggess, check this out, I totally thought of you as I was writing this:


    thedemigod’s last blog post..Petit Papa Noel

  142. You are hilarious. But I wouldn’t joke about the positronic brain….it can read what you write on the internet!

  143. You should have looked up that giant fucking idiotic robot from Rocky IV that Paulie ended up stealing to act as his hedonism-bot and feed him grapes. Your phone would have gotten along well with it – if it could get past the early 90s robot cliche that it represented and which offends sensible modern robots.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Constipated Santa and the Great Swiss Christmas

  144. i can totally beat that. i am like the pigpen+schroeder peanuts character that charles schulz never drew but thought of in his head.
    i can play the toy grand piano while trailing a dust storm. of course kittens are trapped in the duststorm and they all die but that is clearly something charles schulz would never publish in cartoon form.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..Broken

  145. Your robot phone scares me. Just sayin’. 🙂

    Ashley’s last blog post..fille stupide (part 2)

  146. I was in a focus group for fishy crackers; we spent a sad, sad amount of time debating whether said fishy crackers would be super/fantastic/tastier if the illustration of the fishy dude on the bag included him wearing sunglasses, and then we were broken into smaller groups to detabe old school Ray bans versus wrapshades and which would make him more (platonically, one assumes) attractive to soccer moms?

    They gave me as much Diet Pepsi as my bladder could hold and a check for one hundred dollars, and for that I gladly pimped myself out to The Snackfood Man.

    barbara’s last blog post..The Daily Gift Guide: Baby Cookies Edition

  147. If you end up with one of those droopy little Christmas trees you’ll know it all over.

    Gigi’s last blog post..Listy, Listiness

  148. 149

    Haha don’t these people read your blog before sending you stuff? It’s kind of like a disclaimer warning them that you might possibly break something or blog about creepy transvestite lego or something. So really, you didn’t break anything, THEY broke it by sending it to you heheh.

    Ooh I just remembered, we have this TV show called Review with Miles Barlow, this guy goes and does serious-like reviews about things like seeing a family member naked, burnouts and delivering political keynote address under the influence of peyote cactus. Because you totally reminded me of him. And I’ve been planning to write a review blog reviewing random crap that nobody probably cares about. Or has reviewed. Which makes it awesome.

  149. I hate to break it to you, but that phone was probably so frickin’ smart, it “faked” dead so you’d give it back. Perhaps you should say nice things to your new phone every day and try to make this one like you!

    Jen@Happily-Ever-After-Land’s last blog post..Home for the Holidays

  150. So I know that you are like the most popular person in the world, but I got this award and well, I wanted people to think I was cool so I gave it to you. They will check out the link and be like “whoa, Amy must be cool is she gave this girl an award!”

    a0m0y7’s last blog post..For Me, Aww Thanks

  151. I thought The Charlie Brown was one of those forbidden sex acts like the Cleveland Steamer, which put a whole different spin on this post.

    Upon checking urban dictionary, it turns out I was horribly, horribly wrong.

    I need one of those robot phones to keep me out of this kind of trouble.

    Ms. Hodge’s last blog post..HEADS WILL ROLL!

  152. it’s all inappropriate, all the time here on teh blogess interwebs. comfort and joy.

    Pamela’s last blog post..lesson of the week: ask the googles, ask the dayton time

  153. And this…this RIGHT HERE…Is why I love you!

    Dana’s last blog post..Mocos are Yummy! aka Posts You Should Never Have the Material to Write!

  154. Thanks for giving me a laugh.

    Now that you’re the Charlie Brown of bloggers, you can get a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

    Beth Partin’s last blog post..MonHaibun: First in Line

  155. This is some seriously funny stuff!

    Jannie’s last blog post..Ten Honest Things

  156. You are like a flippin’ national treasure. Seriously.

    Melizzard’s last blog post..Evidently there is no vacation in blogging…

  157. Sadly, all I get are emails wanting me to read their diet books. Oh, someday ….

    Giyen’s last blog post..I’m Talking to the Computer!!

  158. The guy named his invention “Twitter”? Hmph…what could an Alfred E Newman possibly have over a Charlie Brown? Well, maybe not.

  159. Thanks for the laugh – I think this may be the funniest post I have read anywhere in ages. I love the Monty Python reference in the end. Even if it did make me spit my coffee everywhere.

    NewfoundlandGirl’s last blog post..Marshmallow Snowballs

  160. LOL! And I thought only I believe that android is a stupid name for mobile/SDK. Who would like to put a human like robot in their pocket all the time.

    Shobhit Prabhakar’s last blog post..The Day a Single Byte made Google look stupid.

  161. I enjoyed reading this

  162. HAHA this was hillarious it has actually made my day 😀 x

  163. Your blog is your unedited version of yourself

  164. I’ve been exploring for a little bit for any high-quality articles or blog posts in this sort of space . Exploring in Yahoo I finally stumbled upon this site. Reading this information So i am happy to exhibit that I have an incredibly good uncanny feeling I came upon exactly what I needed. I most indisputably will make certain to don?t disregard this web site and give it a glance on a constant basis.

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