UPDATED: Robot phone made me look stupid in front of the guy who invented twitter

Abridged email conversation from a couple of months ago…  (Legal disclaimer: My quotes are direct.  Theirs are slightly paraphrased.)

Them:  We’d like to send you a G1 Google Android phone to play with.  You can use it for free for 6 months!  We like exclamation points!  Google!

Me:  That sounds awesome except that I already have a phone.  It seems weird to have two phones. Except that then I could call my husband with one and then call him again with the other and make him put me on hold so he could answer me and that would kind of be awesome.  But I guess technically I could do that already with my cell phone and my home phone.  Unless I was calling him on the home phone. Now I have a headache. 

So short answer, I’d love to try a new phone if it was free but only if afterward I could donate it to the cellphones for soldiers recycling program because I’d feel stupid for having two phones.

Them:  That’s probably do-able but you do have to agree to join a chat group of select people and it’s top secret and you should all wear masks like in Eyes Wide Shut. Someone’s probably gonna get raped.*

Me:  I’m intrigued.

So then I got the phone and the chatroom was totally empty so I left all these messages because I’m ten.

Jenny:  I just got my phone.  I’m a little concerned about the “android” part because it sounds like my phone could kill me.

Jenny: It’s super fucking fast though so at least death would be quick.

Jenny: Am I supposed to take the positronic brain out at night just in case?

Jenny: Wait. This thing doesn’t have a positronic brain. Just a bunch of wires. Also, it’s very hard to take apart.

Jenny: This phone is not waterproof and does not float at all.

Jenny:  All the calls I’ve made Yugloslavia have been very clear, however several of the 900 calls I’ve made have dropped at very inopportune times.

Jenny:  Crap. I meant to say “TO Yugoslavia”. Also, I meant to say “1-900 calls” and not to imply that I’ve actually *made* 900 calls already because that would be ridiculous.

Then I got another email from the google guy telling us that he thought we should know who was actually in our focus group and basically it was the guy who invented the internet and his SuperFriends who are all billionaire tech stars and who never write about dead hobos or about how to tell midgets and dwarves apart and I was all SHIT, I HAVE FUCKED UP MY REPUTATION and so I went to make a bunch of really good comments so I would push the dumb-ass ones off the front of the page so no one would see them and that’s when I realized that the front screen of my phone was frozen and that I had broken the fucking phone.  On the very first day I got it.  Right after I told the guy who sent it to me that the phone should come with a tiny chisel because mine was too big.

So I admitted to breaking it and they actually sent me another one, which is awesome stupid because I’m going to break it too so I told my friend Erica that I was just going to pretend that I was using it and send nice comments about how great it was but not actually ever open it so it stays safe and she was all “Dude.  They made the damn phone.  I think they can tell if you’re not really using it” and then I felt even more dumb and also I realized I’d lost the address for the chatroom and the password.  I’m pretty much the worst focus group person ever. 

*I’ve never actually seen Eyes Wide Shut.  Also, no one at google wants you to get raped.  Probably.  It’s a  pretty big company though so maybe one guy does.  I don’t know how to do rape statistics.

UPDATED:  So I emailed this post to the guy who made twitter so he could see that I’m not as stupid as I seemed in the chatroom and he was all “There’s a chatroom?”.  So basically I was trying to defuse the situation by showing him this post defending why I left those ridiculous messages in the chatroom that he didn’t even know existed.  I’m like the fucking Charlie Brown of blogging.

Comment of the day: Google should’ve expected ppl to conduct “float tests”.  How else were you supposed to prove it wasn’t a witch? ~ Ali

165 thoughts on “UPDATED: Robot phone made me look stupid in front of the guy who invented twitter

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I have seriously not laughed that much for days. Are you busy for the rest of my life? I think I need you more than your relatives do. No, really.

  2. Oh shit, no one trust ANYTHING she says now because she is a) an anroid (duh) and b) owned by google. A google anroid walking and talking (assumed) and blogging (fact) – SCARY.

    the ex’s last blog post..Less than 5°.

  3. That was actually a pretty fair and unbiased review, dude. And although the Superfriends may be more earnest, earnest sincerity really gets right up my left nostril, so I’m glad I read your review first. And now I’m going to stop before I read what I just wrote and cement my self image as a retard.

  4. Dude, send me the phone and I’ll use it for you and tell you all the good shit about it. I’m really curious how it compares to the iPhone though.

    I bet the iPhone would float. It probably has built in life preservers because Apple is just that awesome.

  5. Lmao! That is too freakin funny! I could imagine their reaction to reading your comments on the forum….nice!

  6. I really need to stop by here more often because each time I do I am kind of astonished that anyone can cram that much awesome into any given blog post.

    Also, fuck. You have CommentLuv enabled and my last blog post was laaaame. I totally should have left a comment here after my post about sculpture involving taxidermied chipmunks with doll heads in flower pots. <3

    Victoria Marinelli’s last blog post..Well in excess of any anticipated 38 spanks

  7. I’ve only been on one focus group and that was for lip gloss. I cheated though and used all of the lip gloss and didn’t send back the remainder like they wanted me too because (a) I’m lazy and (b) why do they want my used lip gloss? That’s gross. And also suspicious. And then I got all freaked out that the lip gloss focus group was really just a scam to steal my DNA so they could create clones of me and do weird things to them.

    Then I realized that was probably all ridiculous but I still never sent that lip gloss back.

    Also, I completely forgot to fill out the feedback form, so basically I just got a tube of free lip gloss without having to do anything except freak out needlessly about scientists stealing my DNA.

    (I would have said that the lip gloss was awesome, though, in case anyone from that survey place is reading.)

    Still, your phone focus group is way cooler.

    bejewell’s last blog post..The Finish Line

  8. i’m sorry that you felt so alone in the chat room, jenny. it’s not always easy to be alone. have you tried writing poetry? it’s a great solitary activity… as is masturbation, but that’s only entertaining yourself and not us, so while i wouldn’t not suggest it, i’d much rather be entertained by you. oh wait, i’m not saying that i want you to “entertain” me like that… um… shit.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Stretching Your Christmas Bucks

  9. I’ve given up on ever being first to comment on this blog because, by the time I type the word “FIRST”, I’m number 15. Then I look like a douche. Which would happen anyway if I said “FIRST!” on a blog.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..olde school

  10. Did you know that there’s also a way the phone people can tell if you’ve dropped your cell phone in a toilet or if you let your kid use it as a teething toy? Then when you call up and try to bullshit your way into a new phone after you destroy your old phone with the toilet or baby spit they will totally bust you with the secret baby spit / toilet water detector.

    From experience, people.

    P.S. You really haven’t missed anything with Eyes Wide Shut.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Mah Tree (And More Christmas Tree Pictures Than You Ever Thought You Wanted To See)

  11. It wasn’t a chatroom, Jenny. It was one of those observation room thingy’s with the one way mirrors. Don’t fold! Just keep talking. That’ll fool them. For Sure.

    You are frickin’ hysterical!

  12. Jamie- you’re close, but the iPhone does not in fact float. That bitch straight up walks on water.

    I’m writing this on said bitch, while in the bath, so you know I know this to be true for sure.

  13. I hate when I wait to read your blog after everyone goes to bed because my laughter will always wake someone and not everyone in this house (ahem, the 4 and 5 year olds) understand your humor…..God you are cracking me up…

    And, hey, while you are cracking people up over here, will you tell them about the contests on my blog because dude, no one is entering and the same 2 people are going to win all 12 days on all 3 blogs……c’mon, please….

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..12 Days of Christmas ~ Give ~ Away ~ Day Two ~ Mom~E~Centric

  14. You are always such a dizzying breath of fresh air. I always have to untangle myself from your words before I attempt to rejoin the real world because the desire to talk in roundabout, serpentining, run-on sentences is so great. Did that make sense? No? Score!

    Oh, and as if you needed any proof of your awesomeness – they gave you a second robot phone. On purpose! I say, break this one too (or just say you did) and see what happens. Maybe it’s not just a phone. Maybe it’s trying to get into your brain so the twitter guy can figure out how you tick.

    Walking With Scissors’s last blog post..Victorious!

  15. Why did you call Yugoslavia? Do you have family or friends there? Cuz if you do, could you call again and see if one of them will get me a Hard Rock – Belgrade t-shirt to complete my collection…?

    WaltzInExile’s last blog post..Solecism

  16. I actually sleep with the guy who invented the internet and his SuperFriends billionaire tech stars…they’re alright…pays the bills. I’ll put in a few good words for you.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Merry Sitsmas

  17. Is a focus group like a control group? My pills tasted like sugar and I’m still wetting the bed most nights.

  18. Gawd I want to be you. Google people send you phones? Except, I don’t like cell phones so I would rather, if anyone gets the idea to send me free stuff, have Lulu Lemon wear or one of those Flip things you can make videos with. Wow, that was like a Christmas list. Maybe Santa turns into a billionaire techies at Google when you become an adult and they send you phones! Better than Santa really because I don’t remember that he ever replaced something after I broke it.

    annie’s last blog post..The Master of My Domain(name)

  19. Yours is a fiercely funny blog. Perhaps the funniest. It always has at least 50% more hobo stuff than other blogs.

  20. I like the first comment by Braja because she also wants to marry you, so now I’m not the only one. Except – your husband probably thinks you’re annoying, and if I married you, I probably would too. My husband thinks all the most awesome things about me are annoying. We should just keep having this affair, so it stays fun.

    Kat’s last blog post..NaBloPoNOMO!

  21. Know what’s funny? Rape jokes. No, I’m serious.

    I’m serious. They can be hilarious. This one was great.

    Stop looking at me like I’m being all sarcastic at you. I’m not. I laughed at the rape joke.

    Look, what’s it going to take for you to believe me?

    This is really awkward.

    Do you have any Holocaust jokes?

    That looks snarky, but I’m laughing my head off.

    I wish you believed me. Stop calling me a liar.

    How about an Indian genocide joke? Like, “Q: What do you call a Mohawk walking down the street? A: Don’t be stupid. Haircuts can’t walk.”

    God I’m funny.

    I want to reiterate: I laughed at the rape joke.


    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..A Speech (shelved)

  22. Fuck Soldiers, what are a Texan or something. Give the damn phone to me. I’m Canadian and God knows we get our shit like 6 years after you Americans. Better yet just give me the iphone but don’t forget to send all your dead hobo accessories with it!

    LovingDanger’s last blog post..Trying To Work Out My Beliefs

  23. Chatrape is no laughing matter, JennyTheBloggess.

    But you WOULD get to go around telling everyone you got fux0r3d. Total geek cred.

    (It’s great how they wanted someone who openly admits her difficulty staying focused as part of their focus group. Different meanings, I know, but it was still too rich not to point out.)

  24. If I invented Twitter, I would NEVER see you as stupid.
    Just you taking a chisel to resize your Robot Phone to
    fit is evidence enough.

  25. So about Eyes Wide Shut..I’ve had a song stuck in my head all day that has those words in it. How coincidental. It goes something likes this: blah blah blah eyes wide shut, unopen blah blah blah. I think it’s by Sara Bareilles..

  26. Every time Oscar Meyer invents a new meat they send me free meat and then I have to chat about it. I’m always like, “No one can beat your meat.”

    I never eat the meat. I throw it at homeless people from my car. I’m not a good person.

    You’re funny.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  27. I think there’s actually a GPS homing device in the phone and the people from the internet are just trying to keep an eye on you because they read your blog and they worry someday you are going to take over the interweb with your thousands of minions.

    Just an idea…

    Petra’s last blog post..Reader Request: How NOT to Pierce Your Nipple

  28. “So I emailed this post the guy who invented twitter so he…”

    Didn’t you mean you “…emailed this post TO the guy…”

    At least you’re consistent with the words you omit…not that I’m the Word Police or anything.

    Robin ~ PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Chubby buddies

  29. 1) It’s classic that they couldn’t find a peer for you and put you in a focus group alone (and then they lied about it and told you there were a bunch of really important people in your focus group). I bet the guys at Google have your focus group chat room on a big monitor in their super-geek lunch room at the Google compound.

    2) If your android phone could kill you it would probably also rape you first.

    3) Eyes wide shut is worth watching just for the tits.

    4) You have real talent for technical writing about new technology. You could get a 4th job with CNET or Consumer Reports.

  30. I’ve never been in a focus group but I imagine it going pretty much as you’ve described it here. Only with more eye lasers. (It must be a super-hero focus group if *I’m* in it.)

    Kurt’s last blog post..Upward-Facing Dog

  31. All I can say is that if they could put your brain in a phone, I’d buy two of them. Then at least I’d have one interesting person to call up, put on hold, then call again.

  32. so, it’s totally not related to this post at all, but this made me think of you so I had to share.

  33. So…when you say that you’re the Charlie Brown of blogging…that’s because he’s so smart? And ept (shut up spellcheck I think it’s a word. If inept’s a word, it’s word)? And….really graceful?

    Because that’s totally how I read that. Just saying.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Unrelated Snippets

  34. Y’know, this just makes me want to create something dubiously useful, just so I can send it to you for review. I mean, I’m sure I can come up with something comparable to cross-dressing minifigs or a phone that does all sorts of things including (possibly) making actual phone calls, provided you don’t, like, handle it too much.

    How about a biodegradable umbrella? Make it out of recycle corn starch or something. Environmentally friendly and works really well as long as you don’t get it wet too often. Would you be interested in reviewing something like that?

    Steve’s last blog post..Low-tech Search

  35. I was only in one Focus Group and it was about HSN…and we had to describe it as a person and we all started comparing it to an old lady with blue hair and a pink cadillac from that pink makeup place, whatever it’s called…it was really.funny.but you had to be there sort of thing…

    You do know that there is no more Yugoslavia, right? Not trying to be a smartass, just saying…because my dh is from the former Yugoslavia, so I feel smart because I know this 😉


    Bella Casa’s last blog post..Winter Wonderland & Jive Turkeys, Too!

  36. You’ve got me cracking up with this one-seriously, sitting here thinking of the “focus group” and laughing. Sending the link to my husband now. He definitely needs a laugh today!

  37. I don’t see you as the Charlie Brown of blogging. To my mind, you’re more the PigPen of blogging. We never know what’s going to come flying out of the dust cloud.

    Only, you’re not dirty, you’re crazy, so it’s the crazy cloud that’s going to eject these amazing topics that bean us on the head. Which means you’re either Crazy Pen or Pig Crazy, and frankly, I’m not sure which title fits you better. You choose.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..Wiped

  38. Wow, The Bloggess knows Ev? He is such a nice guy. This makes stalking you so much easier….

  39. 106 comments? Seriously? 106? And people are saying that I’m the new you? Yeah, I don’t think so. I don’t get 106 comments in a week. I don’t think I get 106 comments in a month sometimes. And now, thanks to me, you have at least 107. I’ve never had 107 comments.

    So, you met the guy who created Twitter? Was he a twit. Bwa ha! Oh, I crack me up.

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Tweet Tweet

  40. OK, what is up with this? My last comment has a 105 next to it and it said you already had 106 before I even got here. Did two people get mad, take their comments, and leave?

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Tweet Tweet

  41. I once made a fool of myself in front of the guy who invented latex, but he thought it was endearing, so I’m set for life on condoms and balloons.

    Cat’s last blog post..Blog Roll

  42. I was going to say that I couldn’t think of a good comment because all the best comments have already been taken, but then I thought that might be insulting to everyone who posted a comment after me, especially if they were totally awesome, so yeah, the next comment will knock your socks off.

    No pressure.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Science Lesson

  43. Google is anti-rape I’m sure. It’s those fuckers over a Yahoo! you’ve got to worry about. I mean, they have a freaking exclamation point in their name. How suspect is that?

  44. 128 comments later and we are still talking and reading about some new Google phone…yeah…Google! knows what they’re doing alright….

  45. Google is the new government dude. I’m more scared of pissing off Google than I am of pissing off my government, or yours. And they don’t even threaten us with invasive body searches…how sinister is that?

    Yaya’s last blog post..Santa is a slippery bugger!

  46. So like are you at all worried that Google’s real intent with the android phone was to monitor your conversations or like make they implanted something in your brain via that crazy phone.

    I don’t know …maybe you should be very afraid.

    WM’s last blog post..Oh mah gawd, my morning was so awesome.

  47. Freakin hell I wish I could type.

    That was supposed to have said:
    So like are you at all worried that Google’s real intent with the android phone was to monitor your conversations or like maybe they implanted something in your brain via that crazy phone.

    I don’t know …maybe you should be very afraid.

    WM’s last blog post..Oh mah gawd, my morning was so awesome.

  48. wow. first time I’m disappointed in you jenny. all that action in the chat room and not one comment about being naked, wearing a dead snake for a mask, or doing it with midgets.

    you can redeem yourself as my favorite evil bloggess by telling me you donated the BROKEN phone to the soldiers.

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..the sparrow has landed…

  49. Don’t blame yourself for the phone breaking…Google should’ve expected ppl to conduct “float tests”…how else were you supposed to prove it wasn’t a witch???

  50. Hey Miss Bloggess – This is an update to a previous comment I left – and that you replied to (I’m on painkillers for a bad tooth, so don’t think my brain is clear enough to go back and find it in the archives….sorry). It was in reference to my 5 year old daughter “not really wanting to kill Barbie….but I kind of do…” to which you replied that you believed she was doing god’s work…. and then told me to point her in the direction of those damn Bratz dolls…. Well, according to a Yahoo headline I just read, my dear Halle Jane has been busy (and is more powerful that I knew). ….what shall we point her towards next? (and what about that election…???!!! It’s not entirely out of the question that she had something to do with that)

  51. You should have looked up that giant fucking idiotic robot from Rocky IV that Paulie ended up stealing to act as his hedonism-bot and feed him grapes. Your phone would have gotten along well with it – if it could get past the early 90s robot cliche that it represented and which offends sensible modern robots.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Constipated Santa and the Great Swiss Christmas

  52. i can totally beat that. i am like the pigpen+schroeder peanuts character that charles schulz never drew but thought of in his head.
    i can play the toy grand piano while trailing a dust storm. of course kittens are trapped in the duststorm and they all die but that is clearly something charles schulz would never publish in cartoon form.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..Broken

  53. I was in a focus group for fishy crackers; we spent a sad, sad amount of time debating whether said fishy crackers would be super/fantastic/tastier if the illustration of the fishy dude on the bag included him wearing sunglasses, and then we were broken into smaller groups to detabe old school Ray bans versus wrapshades and which would make him more (platonically, one assumes) attractive to soccer moms?

    They gave me as much Diet Pepsi as my bladder could hold and a check for one hundred dollars, and for that I gladly pimped myself out to The Snackfood Man.

    barbara’s last blog post..The Daily Gift Guide: Baby Cookies Edition

  54. Haha don’t these people read your blog before sending you stuff? It’s kind of like a disclaimer warning them that you might possibly break something or blog about creepy transvestite lego or something. So really, you didn’t break anything, THEY broke it by sending it to you heheh.

    Ooh I just remembered, we have this TV show called Review with Miles Barlow, this guy goes and does serious-like reviews about things like seeing a family member naked, burnouts and delivering political keynote address under the influence of peyote cactus. Because you totally reminded me of him. And I’ve been planning to write a review blog reviewing random crap that nobody probably cares about. Or has reviewed. Which makes it awesome.

  55. So I know that you are like the most popular person in the world, but I got this award and well, I wanted people to think I was cool so I gave it to you. They will check out the link and be like “whoa, Amy must be cool is she gave this girl an award!”

    a0m0y7’s last blog post..For Me, Aww Thanks

  56. I thought The Charlie Brown was one of those forbidden sex acts like the Cleveland Steamer, which put a whole different spin on this post.

    Upon checking urban dictionary, it turns out I was horribly, horribly wrong.

    I need one of those robot phones to keep me out of this kind of trouble.

    Ms. Hodge’s last blog post..HEADS WILL ROLL!

  57. The guy named his invention “Twitter”? Hmph…what could an Alfred E Newman possibly have over a Charlie Brown? Well, maybe not.

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