My web host wants my blog to fail, homeless people to die

My blog broke again today so I called the web host guys and the IT guy was all “What’s wrong?” and I’m like “Shit’s fucked up, dude” and I explained that it said I had 76 comments on my last post but that you can’t see any of them and he’s all “Huh.”  And I’m like “Damn right, huh” and then he asked me for my password but I refused to give it to him because I didn’t know it because of security reasons and he asked me if all the posts were like that and I was trying to find a way to say “No, the posts about fisting are fine” without actually mentioning fisting but I couldn’t think of a better way to phrase it so after this long, awkward pause I’m all “Do you know what fisting is?”  and then he was like “Who is this really?”  Then he made me answer an email from him to prove it was really me BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS A HOAX.  Like I would joke about my blog being broken.  Then I told him the kitten-mitten post was fine too because I didn’t want him to think my whole blog was about fisting and he didn’t really respond so I explained that it was for the homeless and then he got all quiet and terse because apparently he hates the homeless and wants their hands to fall off.  Then when I’m in the middle of defending kitten-mittens he interrupts me and is all “Sounds like it’s corrupted” and I’m all “IT’S A PUBLIC SERVICE FOR THE HOMELESS”.  Then I hung up because I get enough of that kind of abuse at home, thankyouverymuch. 

Then he called back and it turns out there was a ninja attack on my blog.  Or a fire.  Maybe a goat ate it.  I don’t know.  I stop listening after they accused me of corruption.

PS.  Victor says the IT guy was probably saying my data was corrupted and that it wasn’t an indictment of my morals but clearly he didn’t hear the guy’s tone so he can just shut up.

PPS.  My arthritis has spread to my feet and it hurts like hell and looks like I’m smuggling a golf-ball in my ankle.  Or  like my ankle has an ankle.  It’s even less glamorous than it sounds.  Also my doctor refuses to give me medical marijuana because she says I have to see a rheumatologist and the rheumatologist won’t return my calls.  At this point I may have to buy drugs from high school kids.  I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re talking about when they talk about the importance of being your own health advocate.

PPPS.  Where do all the high school kids hang out?

Comment of the day: You are the daughter I would have had if I weren’t just so damn gay. ~ Steve McSheffrey

130 thoughts on “My web host wants my blog to fail, homeless people to die

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I was trying to explain you to someone the other day, who does not read blogs, and the only post that was coming to mind was the fisting post…and I was all “but fisting isn’t the only thing she writes about…she writes about kitten mittens too, and the homeless, and hobo fingers…OH FUCK YOU ASSHOLE NON BLOGGER!”

  2. Goats always get blamed and are being imprisoned as we speak for crimes they may not have committed like stealing Mazda 323s and running from vigilante mobs and for once I’m not EVEN making that up.

    Kurt’s last blog post..The Tale of The Magic Burrito

  3. Yeah…but when your blog DOES break it’s the only way I can possibly come close to being Number One Commenter. Aside from camping out next to my computer and wearing Depends so that I don’t miss out when I leave to use the bathroom. So…uh…SCORE for me! Number 6 might as well be Number 1. I suck in Math anyway.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Disgusted: How I Wasted My Day Off

  4. Uh hello… When all the homeless die and come back as the UNDEAD then Mr. Web host will want to eat his words and maybe even his kitten.

    You can never be too sure when there is a zombie attack.

    Basically, I’m thinking that your web host better pray to LL Cool Jesus to spare his soul after passing judgment on you fisting kittens and losing your comments.


    betsey’s last blog post..I’ve Made My Handbasket and Now I’ve Got To Ride In It

  5. I just don’t understand someone not taking you seriously! I mean, you are an educational resource right up there with wikifkingpedia – butt more enlightening. Where else could we learn about goat fisting, kitten-mittens, dead hobo tentacles and proper placement of bedsheets. Oh and uh… vagina? Thanks for the romp.

  6. Thank God your blog’s not really broken, ‘cuz I think I’d drive myself right off of a cliff after the day I had.

    My blog’s been hacked twice in less than 2 months. I was told it was the Russians or something. Millions of my readers (OK, 5 people) saw a fake HSBC banking site when they visited my photography blog. It’s getting so I’m going to have to create an IT position so I don’t have to have a stroke every time it happens and then beg people to fix it for me.

    Lisa Walsh’s last blog post..Karate 101

  7. That tech guy, who has the keys to your blog and all sorts of tech boy tools of Lulz destruction like viruses and Trojan horses and perhaps goats, that boy can read what you wrote about him. I think you should immediately order him and his shift supervisor a whore and some blow as a thank you / insurance payment.

    The hooker can also bring you weed. Don’t forget to tip her, or you’ll be starting this process all over again.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..In Snark We Trust

  8. Well. It seems that your blog may be running fine now…I guess. I’m still fearful of the kind of bug I ended up with. Random nudie pics in place of my family pics are not really cute at all.
    If you happen to glance around my blog and get shocked by one of the pictures…gimmie a head’s up or something.

    P.S. I have some medicine for your RA and I’m here in “Houston”.

    Sheila’s last blog post..ALRIGHT…..WHO THA F….?

  9. High school kids hang out at malls and movie theaters. The ones with drugs, enough to sell you some, I’m thinkin’ Starbucks. So if you see a bunch of youngish teenagers in front of Starbucks, they totally had some hash.
    I have no idea how I know this…

  10. Damn woman, I just found out that an old high school friend had recently started to read blogs. I directed her towards yours – and you give me/her this. She is gonna think I’m nuts. Well, I am, and so are you, so that’s Ok, I guess. Anyhoo, I pee’ed myself a little, and I hope she did too.

    kaila’s last blog post..25 things you really don’t want or need to know…

  11. Jeez that shit is funny. Fisting and Kitten Mittens. I have GOT to stop by here more often. It’s like horror for the soul. I totally dig it man.

    The cool kids hang out at the mall.

    SweetPeaSurry’s last blog post..The Swing: EDITED

  12. Drive around and look for a slightly ajar garage door, or one with the light on. You’ll be able to hear godawful noises coming out of it from the street.

    Inside will be a kid wearing flannel, playing a guitar.

    That’s the one.

    Joey’s last blog post..Hijinks

  13. I just bang it on the side with my fist (heh). That usually fixes anything. Or I just wait until it “fixes itself”.

    Why should blogs be any different? Well, okay, maybe yours is.

  14. You need to tell him to spend less time on slashdot and more on keeping up on fisting and kitten-mittens. That should leave him confused.

    Dan’s last blog post..Meme Time

  15. walmart. thats where we hang out. i know it sounds surprising, but its kinda like cutting yourself. it hurts just as bad to walk through, stand in a line, or converse with an associate from that store. and, heres the clencher…it leaves no marks to be yelled at for later. =] i know, i thought the same thing…we are getting smarter…

  16. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with my blog–only it’s not hosted at all. I just haven’t been getting that many comments so I just ASSUME it’s broken. And a little aside–you probably should find some high school kids b/c my S.I.L. felt MUCH better with her arthritis after hanging out with them if you catch my drift AND I think you do…

    gingela5’s last blog post..Snow Girls…

  17. Holy shit, can you tell Betsey that I just had a dream about zombies the other night…and now she brings them up. I think maybe this is a sign…for me…to set up my “safe place” from them. My own inside joke I suppose.
    Anyway, on a real note, sometimes when I stop buy to visit, your page doesn’t load. You’re in my Reader and I come through there. Some pages are cool and some don’t load, or take forever. Could that be related to your web hosting?

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..Freezing winter temperatures? Keep’em Coming!

  18. I think it’s pretty sure this overly suspicious fellow was accusing you of being a corrupting influence on our society, which may or may not be true, but he has to at least acknowledge your outrageous fucking hilariousness in everything you do.

    Isn’t that worth something, even to a puritanical IT rep??

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..My ridiculous rhinestone bow ’tis of thee

  19. Kids today want you to trade sex for weed. That’s why I quit getting it from my son’s bonehead friends. I’m all kinds of girl, but the Girl Who Sleeps With Her Teenaged Son’s Friends For A Little Cheeba isn’t one of them. I miss the good old days. The guys in my neighborhood would just swap my mom a dimebag for some brownies, you know?

    Besides, you don’t have to use high school kids. There is this cat in Birmingham named Don-Don; he does his runs straight through Texas so I’m pretty sure he’d hook a sister up.

  20. Looking for high school kids? Try the high school maybe? If they’re not there then you could ask the teachers, they usually have a pretty good idea where to find some. Some kids, I mean.

    Ian Peatey’s last blog post..In search of value

  21. My toes used to turn purple and swell up. Someone said it was gout. I looked up gout and sure enough it hits you in your joints when you drink too much alcohol and eat too much red meat. Jenny?

    betaphi’s last blog post..I Love Coffee

  22. Vancouver, BC. C’mon up – you can visit my radioactive cat & we’ll find you plenty of medicine.

    (seriously – the cat just had radioactive iodine treatment & isn’t allowed to sleep with us for 10 days b/c she’s basically poison. But she’ll be good by the time you get here 🙂

  23. Is it weird that for some reason reading this post made me think about my mom calling me for computer help last night and I wasn’t actually very helpful and I’m now overcome with an overwhelming urge to Google the problem she was having so I can attempt to actually fix it.

    Erin’s last blog post..I Need an Interpreter

  24. You’ll get cheaper weed from the 5th graders. Most of them are probably at the local Kitten-Mitten factory breaking child labor laws.

    At least the children care about the homeless.

  25. From personal exprience, IT guys are corrupted.

    Also? I’m joining a writing group. Well, it’s me and one person so far, and I told Tom about it, and he goes, “Um, just to be sure, it’s not the Bloggess is it?” And I said NO, idiot, she lives in HOUSTON. He said that was good, because he feels Victor’s pain (whatever the hell THAT means), and he fears for the world at large if the two of us were ever to meet. Personally, I just think he’s frightened of so much awesomeness in one place. Plus, he’s an idiot.

    Lori’s last blog post..A Note From BroZarkWin

  26. So I’m actually at Starbucks yesterday and didn’t see any high school kids selling drugs, but I’m all old and “square” (even my attempts to be a hepcat are like totally lame) and anyway, the barista asks me: “You heading in to work?” .. and I said “No, on my way home,” not bothering to explain the unemployment thing, but then I’m like, “Dude, is this chick hitting on me?” Maybe it’s the three days without shaving mystique…

  27. you tell that bastard IT freak that he had better never let that shit happen again or all the zombie’s, hookers, hobos and dead kittens will come looking for him . And there maybe fisting and tea bagging involved. Totally unrelated but my boss thinks I am insaine, and its all your fault. I am a cake designer and I bought this new product called edible disco glitter, and when I was doing a demo with it , I couldn’t stop thinking about glitter poop. I’ll ingest a massive amount and let you know the result.

  28. These people have obviously never been high school kids who smoke the weed. Forget school or coffee shops. Go to some pizza buffet restaurant. Either go out back by the dumpster or ask to talk to one of the pizza cooks/guys. The delivery people are too motivated. They don’t smoke. Bus boys are too concerned with getting in good with the cashiers. The cashiers only have jobs because their rich friends hang out at the malls and they need spending money.
    The line cooks are unmotivated, don’t care about appearance and are pretty sure they are getting a glimpse of how shitty life is going to be. They are the stoners. They’ll hook you up for some beer or harder stuff from the liquor store.

    andy’s last blog post..Open Letter to the Guy with the Expedition

  29. damn you, fisting with kitten mittens is going to be stuck in my head all weekend, I know it will.

    Victor is wrong, IT guy didn’t mean your files, he meant you. Everyone is aware that you are corrupt.

    and now you are trying to corrupt minors into selling you dope. Didn’t you get some from Steve? Blood for dope swap?

    reeky’s last blog post..Artists in this Economic Down Turn

  30. I wish you lived in my area. FUCK! Oh, and when you go to Jamaica and you see the guys renting jetskii’s- wade out to him. He’s a double agent. Let’s start a Christian non-profit for the legalization of Mary-Jane. Maybe we can summon the spirit of Bob Marley and he can be the Executive Director. You can be our poster child and I work recruit supports are procure donations. I’ll leave it up to you to come up with a clever name.

  31. I was recently diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis myself -rapid onset (more like – out of nowhere). I took Chantix to try to quit smoking and there may be a correlation – wondered if perhaps you had taken that any time in the past.

  32. High school kids only have ditch weed. Not worth the effort. Go to your local Chili’s, Friday’s, etc, buy a drink or two from the bartender and then hit ’em up. They always know where the good stuff is. So i hear…

    As far as the IT guy goes, if he wasn’t already reading your blog, I’m sure he is now. I mean, how can he resist the awesome deliciousness that is The Bloggess?!?

  33. High school kids don’t hang out anymore. They all rush home, and text people who they could talk to in person by taking twenty or so steps outdoors.

  34. Another way to help the homeless:

    Thinking you just need to take in some wayward teen, make them sleep in the basement and only let them socialize with others AFTER they have procured your herbal treatment.

    When/if teenager gets caught you can say you needed someone to run errands for you. Who can walk with an ankle like that?!

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..Tonight Was Great

  35. in a dilemma somewhat related to your issue about having to try and explain fisting to people, one thing has led to another in another online conversation and now i’m trying to find a discreet and polite way to define the word “bukkake” for someone.

    ugh. it’s not easy.

    highway’s last blog post..My Superbowl Picks

  36. The high school kids who use drugs hang out in their parents basements. Geesh don’t you watch any after school specials?

    I think the cure for the arthritis is more alcohol, but that is just me. Forget the pot go for the booze!

    As for the computer, if the guy doesn’t know about fisting and kitten mittens chances are he won’t be able to fix your computer!

    Side note…. fisting is not in my computers dictionary and it keeps telling me that I spelled something wrong.

    steph’s last blog post..The worm does it again

  37. For the arthritis. Stop eating any and all sugar. I know that sounds impossible but try. And get some high quality liquid vitamins and minerals like I sell through New Vision. Really. Your arthritis will quit getting worse and then it will start getting better. Money back guarantee.

  38. I’m sure this isn’t what he dreamed about when he was throwing sticks to his dog on the beach before starting vocational school.

  39. I think it must be very difficult to use “corrupted” and “Jenny” in the same sentence! !

    Actually, I just tried it and it was really easy. Damn easy. One of the easiest things I ever tried. SO SO SO easy. Amazingly easy.

    Never mind.

  40. I’m now trying to picture your ankle. Does it look like Joy’s toe on My name is Earl ? Because that was awesome and funny in a eww gross kinda way.

    My stepdaughter is in high school…but I feel pretty confident she doesn’t sell drugs.


  41. 57: skating rink/skate park kids are totally lame. My brother is a bmxer, and he’ll tell you, no cool kid goes to the skate park. I.e. no kid at the skate park is going to have pot, maybe a pocket-sized Bible, those losers.
    I’m telling you, Starbucks. What 14 year old needs sugary coffee? A stoned one. What 14 year old can regularly afford weed? One with a big enough allowance to also buy weed or one who regularly sells it. Starbucks for the mary jane win.

  42. High school kids hang out in their parents’ rooms cause that’s where all the good drugs are, so you’re just gonna have to go door to door like a fisting-kitty-mitten-Jehovah’s Witness. I’d let you in, but I’ll be too stoned on my medical marijuana… so good luck with that.

  43. I just ask my roommate who has a friend who has a friend who can get me some weed…oh wait, that was the 70s. I, ahem, quit in the 80s. In the 90s, I couldn’t find any dope-everybody was high on Ecstasy. These days they’re all stoned on meth.

    Now, when I ask some high school kids where I can get some doobage, they just look at me like “perv” and walk away giggling. Dayum, what’s an old DFH to do these days?

  44. I fell and broke my foot last Thursday, this past Tuesday when I had to go the neurologist, who drug tests me every freakin’ time I go in there says, “why do you have percocet in your system” and I was like, “you freak, do you see this thing on my foot? it didn’t come painlessly”

    Then he says, “well where did you get the percocet” and I was like dude, “I was in Miami when I broke my figure that one out.”

  45. I’ll bet if your blog was named “My Vagina” you’d have IT guys all over the place begging to fix it.

  46. After reading comment #21, Fisting Kittens would be a GREAT name for a band. Anyone wanna join? You don’t have to be the kitten.

    Lori’s last blog post..

  47. I just found out I have a nodule on my lung.. Shouldn’t i get codeine cough syrup, a free mazzy star cd and some narco?
    Shouldn’t I get gifts?

    Me thinks I should.

  48. Maybe some zombie hoboes broke your blog in revenge for taking their fingers.

    RA – Mrs F swears by her Glucosamine tablets. She tried stopping taking them for a week to see if it really made a difference – 24 hours later she was convinced.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..My Comments Are Broken

  49. I am unsure where you live, but in California (the Medical Marijuana Capital of the World), you don’t actually need a Rx from your doctor to get it. You will need to take test results, copies of other related prescriptions or pill bottles – anything that proves your condition – to the medical marijuana office. They will then have you fill out a bunch of paperwork and will give you the prescription, which you need to keep on you any time you are holding.

    This is what I have heard of course. I have no personal experience…*ahem*

    Karen / ikss’s last blog post..brevity is the essence of wit

  50. I’ll smoke some weed on your behalf. I understand this does not help you at all. And I am not sorry. Just high.

  51. Maybe the server hosting your blog decided that it needed that long-deserved holiday, and fuck you, I’m taking it. What? No, I’m not your server. But I’ve been drinking bourbon, and that let’s me speak on your server’s behalf. I imagine it’s taken your comments with it to some filthy shoreline facing the Gulf in some dank town in Mexico and it’s passed out on the beach somewhere giggling at you when it becomes lucid enough to realize that I’m gonna get sick… It, I mean. It’s going to get sick.

    everpress’s last blog post..Are You Threatening Me?!

  52. 115, you made our medical marijuana seem way more straight-laced than it is, let me tell it! So, in California, we suddenly hate gays but are all for gettin’ stoned. So, all you gotta do is go to a doctor and say, I have “insomnia” or “depression” or “loss of appetite.” It also helps to wink while naming the fore-mentioned conditions. The doctors generally get the idea and hand you your green card. However, just to play it safe, you should asks your friends if they know of any “chill” doctors. If you live in California, guaranteed at least one of them will have the doc’s number on them. When you get your green card you get to go to the dispensary were you get to choose from several varieties of weed, weed-infused baked goods, and enter raffles for more marijuana goodies. The card also permits you grow a certain number of your own plants.
    Or, you can become friends with medicinal marijuana farmers. They’re generally very nice guys.

  53. Sorry about the lack of connections. I started watching Weeds a few weeks ago and I so should’va done that after my first husband died – started dealing – because I was a high school teacher and most of my students were gang affiliates who liked me and I could’va used them for inventory (and then I could’a sold it back to them with a slight (they were criminals) mark up.

    IT people are the debil.

    annie’s last blog post..Have You Joined the Snuggie Cult Yet?

  54. I just have to tell you that I just made my husband subscribe to your blog. He always reads over my shoulder when I’m reading yours, so I made him add it to his own feeds. You should be honored. He pretty much subscribes to my feed and a feed about ninjas. Yours will fit in well.

    Heidi’s last blog post..Update on my hard day

  55. I don’t think hunting down high schoolers would be a good idea. If your hands are all curled up from the RA, waving to them is going to look like you’re shaking your fist at them like some old geezer. They’re likely to say something rude, like, “Hey Grandma, we know that’s a wig. Go back to your nursing home!” and you’ll be inclined to shout back, “Damn kids!” while you shake your fist some more when you’re really trying to give them the finger. You’re better off doing some old-lady-type activity, like playing bingo. Maybe some nice old lady will share her pain meds with you. Just don’t yell “Bingo!” prematurely. A friend did that months ago and is still recognized there.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Heartburn

  56. You don’t get Pot from High School kids. You have to find some aging hippy that never gave up the stuff and therefore never made anything out of his life and he sells pot to survive and of course he has the best shit because he is his own best customer.

    Or a well off housewife who lost her husband and goes into the dope business with the queen of dope in a black…you know they should make a TV show like this.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..Welcome to Ho-Town

  57. Sounds like the IT guy *totally* knew you had a legit problem, he just wanted to get a female on the phone to talk dirty to him …

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