Actually I did have have a lot of Christian followers

Just got back from the Mom 2.0 Summit and it was awesome and terrible, like a tidal wave of French lotion you can’t afford.  I’m too exhausted to write about it properly but it was pretty much like every other conference I’ve been asked to be on a panel for:  You’re so terrified you give yourself hysterical laryngitis, the promoters make you drink a entire mug of warm honey because they hate you, you put on your confidence wig so if you fuck the panel up you can pretend it was someone else, at the last minute the moderator announces he’s hired an actor to do an interpretive reading from your blog and he screams about Jesus & semen in the style of Jerry Falwell, audience members unexpectedly throw vibrators across the room, blah, blah, blah.

Here’s a small peek until I recover enough to write the rest:  (I’m the blonde crying in the back.)

PS.  To be totally honest, this was the first time I’ve ever been asked to speak on a panel but I’m pretty sure this is all standard.  It must have been pretty awesome though because afterward some people were so impressed they couldn’t even look me in the eye.  Then later someone told me that now I’d have to beat off all the other promoters looking for chicks to speak at conferences and I was all “I don’t trade hand jobs for speaking engagements.  I’m a professional“.  Then someone else was talking about our social responsibility to use our blogs to help others and I felt guilty so I handed out printed copies of my blog posts to babies because they don’t even have enough muscle control to scroll.  It’s pretty much like working with the disabled except more noble because babies will never subscribe to your blog.  Babies are like the lepers that didn’t come back to Jesus after he cured them. 

PPS.  More to come once I’ve recovered unless I get distrac-ooh, dust!

Best euphamism for vagina in a comment: I don’t think I’ve ever used the word vagina in my bog. That’s probably why you’re an international superstar, and I’m just a sad mommy blogger. I’ve got to talk more about my vajango. ~ Hippo Brigade

79 replies. read them below or add one

  1. ROFL!! Jesus, that was the funniest f*ning thing i’ve seen in a long time!!


  2. oh shit, I’m so glad you posted this video. Twitter was BLOWING UP about it when it went down.

    You’re kind of my hero, dude.

    Maria’s last blog post..weekly winners – feb 15 – 21


  3. Oh my god, I cannot wait until BlogHer this year.


  4. I’m not sure … does Jesus enjoy elephant porn? There’s nothing in the bible about it, but …

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Sporadic


  5. That was hilarious! Also, what kind of gift bags were filled with vibrators for audience members to throw across the room? I want to be in THAT audience! Also, who throws vibrators?

    Maddie’s last blog post..Today’s story is brought to you by the letter “F.”


  6. Oh, there weren’t vibrators in the gift bags. Our audience members remembered to bring their own. Also, most of them forgot to bring pens. Our audience has weird priorities.


  7. Very funny (at least this Christian thinks so!)

    Domestic extraordinaire’s last blog post..Haiku Friday: Help Save a Baby Edition


  8. You should get that guy to do readings of all your posts and include youtube clips of them on your blog. Y’know, like books-on-tape or something.

    Steve’s last blog post..Tea


  9. That was hilarious. Don’t you feel special? *LOL* And don’t worry about pissing off the Christians; they’ll get over it. “Hate the sin, love the sinner,” y’know? 🙂 Sometimes they even chuckle at the sin while they’re at it…

    AJ in Nashville’s last blog post..Three Things That Guys Want for Valentine’s Day (…that don’t necessarily involve sex)


  10. Very entertaining great laughs from the entire clan here. I can’t wait to read and see more.


  11. If I go to one more conference where the panelist wears a blond wig and there is a dramatic reading about Jesus, I will scream! Enough already… 😉 You did a great job. Nice to meet you even though I can no longer look you in the eye.


  12. Hahaha 🙂

    Jenny, I just have one question.. were these vibrators ones that also gave compliments? Because otherwise they are useless. And then the pens would’ve been a priority.

    veep veep’s last blog post..Working on My Comedy Routine


  13. As an Ethics and Compliance Officer, I’m frequently asked to speak on panels and I’ve had the exact same experience. Hmmmmm….

    Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..Creative Genius Does Not Live Inside Me


  14. Babies are totally useless. They can’t get you a cup of tea, clean out your inbox or remove mold from the shower. They definitely need some instructions from your blog.

    Now that I know what the conferences are like, no way I am going to one. Why would I want to listen to speakers who can’t talk, hear someone’s blog that I have already read, like, a thousand times, and catch flying vibrators? That doesn’t sound like fun at all.

    I’d rather just…tweet.

    Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Take Care of My Mommy. She’s The Only One I Have


  15. I guess you just never know how what you blog will actually preach.

    Carol @SheLives’s last blog post..Revealing Victoria’s Secret


  16. you rip the warm and fuzzy right out of an event like this an make me so sorry I did not attend!

    amyz5’s last blog post..OCD Action Figure


  17. It’s too bad there’s not a dildo pen. Talk about swag in a bag. It’d be perfect for conferences. And then you’d know who in the audience was paying attention. If they’re scribbling away? Paying attention. Gasping and moaning and clutching the chair with one hand? Not paying attention.

    pamela’s last blog seems the economy is taking a toll on the girl scouts


  18. Wasn’t this in Houston? I’m in Houston! And I missed this? Man, I need to get out more.

    feathermaye’s last blog post..I’m A Hugh Fan!


  19. Ok the post was funny … but the video brought home JUST how funny it was with the emphasis added. He delivered it perfectly.

    Kristy – Where’s My Damn Answer’s last blog post..What do they call that? Oh yeah, just plain stupid.


  20. People suddenly throwing dildos back and forth, ranting about semen in the style of Jerry Falwell … my Sunday is complete! Thanks Blogess.

    Chris Wood’s last blog post..Brain Cells Leave Now


  21. I would have liked to see your blog interpreted in dance, not just a Falwellian reading. I’d especially like to see the costumes worn by the flying vibrators.

    Estefonia Translucent’s last blog post..the sins of the father


  22. Jenny – with awesome material like yours we had a lot to work with. You were an AWESOME panelist!

    And of course a tip-of-the hat to our actor David George. David really hit the ball out of the park with all three of y’all! Just Wow!

    Ed Schipul’s last blog post..Emergency Response Studio


  23. Friggin’ sweet. Was the vibrator throwing like the bouquet at a wedding? Catch it and you’ll be the next person to get an orgasm.

    I think it is incredibly noble of you to expose babies at their most receptive age to the wisdom of your blog. I mean, baby may not look like he/she approves, but I sure do.


  24. That was awesome. And you look hot, so pretty much a good day all around no matter how embarassing it may have been.

    EdenSky’s last blog post..Kiss The Chef…


  25. Jesus H Christ!!! I thought it was pretty funny to read your posts but I’m going to have to insist upon more oral readings and videos. That shit was funny! I can’t wait to meet you in person.

    Jen’s last blog post..I am absolutely not being political here.


  26. I laughed so hard I cried the THREE times I watched it. Damn that is funny stuff. And I AM a Christian, the kind that follows the ACTUAL teachings of Christ as opposed to the “made-up-to-justify-hate-and-exclusion ultra-right conservatives”.

    WineWonkette’s last blog post..AWOL for Bordeaux


  27. you should have that guy read your posts out more often he makes the wild stuff you say even funnier if that is at all possible. Well done

    HABANEROGAL’s last blog post..The Day the Music Died


  28. Isn’t it dangerous throwing vibrators? Those things are hard!!!!!

    Ian Peatey’s last blog post..When surrender is the only option


  29. Well, this Jew hasn’t been converted, but I still like you!

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..Please Step Away From The Sale


  30. I need that guy to read to me every single night before bed!

    Thanks for making me laugh sofuckingmuch lady.

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..Hot Defined?


  31. Honey,I have to tell you, you’re cuter without the beard. And, you know, all that screaming makes it seem like seamen is something really really important, but I checked it to be sure and according to my dictionary it’s the rank just below a petty officer. Jesus! How important can it be?

    nin’s last blog post..Poetry and Code on a Sunday afternoon


  32. I was there – and I have to say – you are a rockstar! This was a great highlight of the weekend!!!!


  33. Now all you have to do is get Jesus to read it… you know: OUT LOUD. I’m pretty sure there’s a web site out there where you can request that.

    Amber Mc’s last blog post..World of WarCrap


  34. Dude, we are so not attending the same conferences. Clearly I need to come to yours!
    Also, I have confidence underwear and confidence cowgirl boots, but no confidence wig, would it be OK if I wore either on my head?

    Jessica (from It’s my life…)’s last blog post..Just a quick update


  35. Recreating my faith in human beings to understand irony and humor at the same time. Other than that, I’m speechless.

    The Medievalist’s last blog post..On creepy stories


  36. laughing my fucking ass off and wishing i had been there.

    i’m going to teach my baby to scroll.

    Amy’s last blog post..Crackhouse Gets Some Luvin’


  37. 37
    Just A. Reader

    Awesomeness. Of course, I tend to prefer your 109-vagina posts.


  38. I have always wanted to hear a dramatic reading of one of my blog posts. Mostly just the ones that consist of Mr. T, shivs and dog ball dropping boomerangs.

    I have a lot that deal with LL Cool Jesus and Zombies so I’m completely jealous.

    Thrown in a little Teen Wolf and I’d wet myself, which I’m sure you did!


    Betsey’s last blog post..Edited: This is me blogging from Florida again…


  39. I hope that guy is a method actor. I like to think that he prepared for the roll by taking prescription meth and waxing his cat.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Seven Reason Smackdown-Part 6


  40. I think the baby from the e-trade commercial probably reads your blog. I mean he’s real, right?


  41. I wish someone would do an interpretive reading of my blog, but I can’t seem to keep a hobo’s attention for long enough to read one for me and they seem to be the only ones willing to do it and they have to be bribed with cans of meat and alcohol and I don’t have that kind of budget.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Blame Anna For This


  42. You picture is not showing up. WTH?

    And hey, throw one of those vibrators this way. I don’t think there are any in South Carolina.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Processing


  43. That only happens every time you’re on a conference panel? Sounds like a typical Tuesday night for me. Yawn.

    Laurie | Your Ill-fitting Overcoat’s last blog post..Food for Thought on a Friday Afternoon


  44. Do they pay you to do this?

    P.S. I love your wig.

    annie’s last blog post..Brad Pitt and Jesse James


  45. Annie, I am so flattered that anyone would think anyone would pay me for this, but no. Although I did get to go to the conference for free and there was lots of free wine there. However I was sick for most of it and missed almost all of it. So technically I think they probably still owe me $20 in booze.


  46. Awww! I’m so proud of/embarassed for you!

    Your wig is FIER-CE! I’m so jeal. Yes, jeal. Who has time for the ‘ous’?

    Michael’s last blog post..I’m much better at taking things apart


  47. Praise Jesus, you are a funny lady.

    If you ever want a purple confidence wig, let me know. I have a spare.

    Lady M’s last blog post..I’m Having the Same Life as Mir


  48. I’m in at my desk in the living room surrounded by three dogs and a cat (only one dog and the cat are my own). Someone else’s chihuahua is wining next to me, while I laugh my ass off watching this video. Wonderful night.

    Diana’s last blog post..And The Winner Is…


  49. What, Tom Cruise was unavailable to jump on the couch while reading your words?

    Yes, I just joined the ranks of laughing my a$$ off at that ‘interpretation’!

    Heather’s last blog post..If Only Everything Were This Easy


  50. Hahaha, ohhhhhhh the awesomeness.

    Chloe’s last blog post..Dorks.


  51. I loved the interpretation!

    Kylie’s last blog post..When it rains, it pours…and more weird stuff about salt


  52. You poor thing. Did you pee your pants?


  53. so… was that like supposed to be evangelical? i do like an evangelical vagina reading.

    MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..It’s a Dancing Gringo.


  54. ROFLMAO! If only church sermons were as good as this reading! Dude I’m so jealous of your confidence wig. I need to get one of them to wear to jury duty.

    Jenn’s last blog post..Living the Dogs Life


  55. Lovely post. Your confidence wig is stunning.

    Thanks for the link to the inspiring leper play. Loved the line “Hum, so maybe we were wrong about Samaritans.” Nice!

    Fantastic Forrest’s last blog post..The World Clock Project


  56. OMG – that guy was so annoying….unless that’s actually what your voice sounds like and this is how you write every blog post (well, sound it out in your head that is)….then I take it back….actually I don’t, because if your inner monologue sounds like that guy, it may be too much for my post-evangelical still in 12-step recovery to interact with…

    JFletch’s last blog post..25 Random Things


  57. Wow. Just wow.

    Did you snag some vibrators off the floor on the way out?

    I would have.

    Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy’s last blog post..He Blogs, She Blogs: The Next Generation


  58. Yuo were wiping tears away — I can’t figure out if this is from

    A)Hilarity of your own genius bringing tears to your eyes?
    B) Hilarity of the actor’s genius bringing tears to your eyes?
    C) A + B = Hilarity of the actor bringing YOUR GENIUS to life?
    D) Tears of embarrasment for hearing “Does Jesus care if I drink my husband’s sperm?” read outloud for semi-education purposes

    With any choice, I think it’s a clear win-win situation.


  59. So basically, babies are ungrateful, self-centered little bundles of leprosy, but without the leprosy? Ohhhh-kayyyy.

    *backs away quietly*

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Hold The Front Page!


  60. I don’t get it. Why was he all preacher-healing-through-divine-semen? I would have taken a different approach. Next time he should play the schizo-pedophile-gone-born-again-baptist. That’s way more entertaining.


  61. I don’t think anyone has ever come to my blog looking for Jesus. You must be living right or something.

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..29 Lines to Make You Smile


  62. You are simply incredible. I couldn’t believe how shy you seemed in a group setting. I am so sad that I didn’t get to sit and chat with you, one on one for at least a few minutes. Thanks for putting yourself out there…you are hot!

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Parenting Sites 411


  63. All of this brings up a very important question.

    I am a blonde. Naturally. I mean, basically naturally with – STOP JUDGING ME! Ahem.

    What color should my confidence wig be?

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..With Bated Breath


  64. OK… now let’s see him do the post about fisting.

    Ally B’s last blog post..Regression


  65. at least it was only warm honey they made you drink and not sperm…unless it was Jesus’ sperm…you couldn’t really complain about that. I mean, who refuses the sperm of the messiah? other than the devil…and you know I bet he would drink it too…while watching elephant porn..cause that’s how he rolls

    Hannah’s last blog post..a purple vagina would be a lot more interesting I think


  66. THAT’s who you remind me of–Margene.

    Marinka’s last blog post..Lazy like a fox, or whoever it is that’s really lazy


  67. I don’t think I’v ever used the word vagina in my bog. That’s probably why your an international superstar, and I’m just a sad mommy blogger. I’ve got to talk more about my vajango.

    Hippo Brigade’s last blog post..All Dressed Up With No Where to Go


  68. I’m especially excited to imagine the conferences when those babies grow up.


  69. You should hire actors regularly to do video blogs of your posts!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Not As Stimulated As I Imagined


  70. Hands down, best sermon I’ve ever heard! God, I hope the Priest at my church does a whole series on Jesus and semen.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Monday Momisms


  71. I am SO PISSED I missed the reading part of the presentation. Thanks for the video clip. Feels like I was there. Oh yeah I was! Just not in that room at that moment.

    Anyways. Awesome to hang wichyou.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..That Night


  72. aw hell. i miss all the good stuff.

    the planet of janet’s last blog post..Haiku Friday: the "yeah, I did it!" edition


  73. Wait. Jesus didn’t write the constitution?


    Does his agent know about this?

    Braja’s last blog post..Things you wish you’d never asked…


  74. 74

    I gotta say that was one of the most fun I’ve had doing a live gig. EVERYONE seemed to have a great time with the readings. Jenny, I’d do it again for you if you ever need me to. Sorry I missed the Vibrator toss.


  75. I think I’m in love with you.

    No. Really. I only fall in love with people who make me laugh so hard I pee my pants.

    I am a woman with high standards. And I’m straight & married to a man, so this profession is kind of a big deal.

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..You missed out on a delicious chocolate malt Sunday p.m.


  76. […] I was just messing with him BUT THEN HE TOTALLY SENT ME THE LOTION.  Then I went to the Mom 2.0 Summit and totally used this as an example of the importance of researching the blog you’re pitching […]


  77. […] Kristoffer Kristofferson sold for a whopping $120 bucks to the Schipul company, notorious for once hiring a psuedo-Southern preacher to read a post entitled “I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t care what you do with semen“ in order to properly […]


  78. […] gonna post questions that refer to your most outrageous blogs. Dear Ask the Bloggess on PNN – Does Jesus care what I do with my husband’s semen? Dear Ask the Blogess on PNN – Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex? etc.etc. […]


  79. 79
    Lady Penelope

    I kept waiting for him to cry “praise the Lord” like her was giving a sermon, not talking about semen…


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