Actually I did have have a lot of Christian followers

Just got back from the Mom 2.0 Summit and it was awesome and terrible, like a tidal wave of French lotion you can’t afford.  I’m too exhausted to write about it properly but it was pretty much like every other conference I’ve been asked to be on a panel for:  You’re so terrified you give yourself hysterical laryngitis, the promoters make you drink a entire mug of warm honey because they hate you, you put on your confidence wig so if you fuck the panel up you can pretend it was someone else, at the last minute the moderator announces he’s hired an actor to do an interpretive reading from your blog and he screams about Jesus & semen in the style of Jerry Falwell, audience members unexpectedly throw vibrators across the room, blah, blah, blah.

Here’s a small peek until I recover enough to write the rest:  (I’m the blonde crying in the back.)

PS.  To be totally honest, this was the first time I’ve ever been asked to speak on a panel but I’m pretty sure this is all standard.  It must have been pretty awesome though because afterward some people were so impressed they couldn’t even look me in the eye.  Then later someone told me that now I’d have to beat off all the other promoters looking for chicks to speak at conferences and I was all “I don’t trade hand jobs for speaking engagements.  I’m a professional“.  Then someone else was talking about our social responsibility to use our blogs to help others and I felt guilty so I handed out printed copies of my blog posts to babies because they don’t even have enough muscle control to scroll.  It’s pretty much like working with the disabled except more noble because babies will never subscribe to your blog.  Babies are like the lepers that didn’t come back to Jesus after he cured them. 

PPS.  More to come once I’ve recovered unless I get distrac-ooh, dust!

Best euphamism for vagina in a comment: I don’t think I’ve ever used the word vagina in my bog. That’s probably why you’re an international superstar, and I’m just a sad mommy blogger. I’ve got to talk more about my vajango. ~ Hippo Brigade

79 thoughts on “Actually I did have have a lot of Christian followers

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh, there weren’t vibrators in the gift bags. Our audience members remembered to bring their own. Also, most of them forgot to bring pens. Our audience has weird priorities.

  2. You should get that guy to do readings of all your posts and include youtube clips of them on your blog. Y’know, like books-on-tape or something.

    Steve’s last blog post..Tea

  3. Very entertaining great laughs from the entire clan here. I can’t wait to read and see more.

  4. If I go to one more conference where the panelist wears a blond wig and there is a dramatic reading about Jesus, I will scream! Enough already… 😉 You did a great job. Nice to meet you even though I can no longer look you in the eye.

  5. Babies are totally useless. They can’t get you a cup of tea, clean out your inbox or remove mold from the shower. They definitely need some instructions from your blog.

    Now that I know what the conferences are like, no way I am going to one. Why would I want to listen to speakers who can’t talk, hear someone’s blog that I have already read, like, a thousand times, and catch flying vibrators? That doesn’t sound like fun at all.

    I’d rather just…tweet.

    Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Take Care of My Mommy. She’s The Only One I Have

  6. Jenny – with awesome material like yours we had a lot to work with. You were an AWESOME panelist!

    And of course a tip-of-the hat to our actor David George. David really hit the ball out of the park with all three of y’all! Just Wow!

    Ed Schipul’s last blog post..Emergency Response Studio

  7. Friggin’ sweet. Was the vibrator throwing like the bouquet at a wedding? Catch it and you’ll be the next person to get an orgasm.

    I think it is incredibly noble of you to expose babies at their most receptive age to the wisdom of your blog. I mean, baby may not look like he/she approves, but I sure do.

  8. I laughed so hard I cried the THREE times I watched it. Damn that is funny stuff. And I AM a Christian, the kind that follows the ACTUAL teachings of Christ as opposed to the “made-up-to-justify-hate-and-exclusion ultra-right conservatives”.

    WineWonkette’s last blog post..AWOL for Bordeaux

  9. Honey,I have to tell you, you’re cuter without the beard. And, you know, all that screaming makes it seem like seamen is something really really important, but I checked it to be sure and according to my dictionary it’s the rank just below a petty officer. Jesus! How important can it be?

    nin’s last blog post..Poetry and Code on a Sunday afternoon

  10. I have always wanted to hear a dramatic reading of one of my blog posts. Mostly just the ones that consist of Mr. T, shivs and dog ball dropping boomerangs.

    I have a lot that deal with LL Cool Jesus and Zombies so I’m completely jealous.

    Thrown in a little Teen Wolf and I’d wet myself, which I’m sure you did!


    Betsey’s last blog post..Edited: This is me blogging from Florida again…

  11. I think the baby from the e-trade commercial probably reads your blog. I mean he’s real, right?

  12. I wish someone would do an interpretive reading of my blog, but I can’t seem to keep a hobo’s attention for long enough to read one for me and they seem to be the only ones willing to do it and they have to be bribed with cans of meat and alcohol and I don’t have that kind of budget.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Blame Anna For This

  13. You picture is not showing up. WTH?

    And hey, throw one of those vibrators this way. I don’t think there are any in South Carolina.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Processing

  14. Annie, I am so flattered that anyone would think anyone would pay me for this, but no. Although I did get to go to the conference for free and there was lots of free wine there. However I was sick for most of it and missed almost all of it. So technically I think they probably still owe me $20 in booze.

  15. I’m in at my desk in the living room surrounded by three dogs and a cat (only one dog and the cat are my own). Someone else’s chihuahua is wining next to me, while I laugh my ass off watching this video. Wonderful night.

    Diana’s last blog post..And The Winner Is…

  16. OMG – that guy was so annoying….unless that’s actually what your voice sounds like and this is how you write every blog post (well, sound it out in your head that is)….then I take it back….actually I don’t, because if your inner monologue sounds like that guy, it may be too much for my post-evangelical still in 12-step recovery to interact with…

    JFletch’s last blog post..25 Random Things

  17. Yuo were wiping tears away — I can’t figure out if this is from

    A)Hilarity of your own genius bringing tears to your eyes?
    B) Hilarity of the actor’s genius bringing tears to your eyes?
    C) A + B = Hilarity of the actor bringing YOUR GENIUS to life?
    D) Tears of embarrasment for hearing “Does Jesus care if I drink my husband’s sperm?” read outloud for semi-education purposes

    With any choice, I think it’s a clear win-win situation.

  18. I don’t get it. Why was he all preacher-healing-through-divine-semen? I would have taken a different approach. Next time he should play the schizo-pedophile-gone-born-again-baptist. That’s way more entertaining.

  19. You are simply incredible. I couldn’t believe how shy you seemed in a group setting. I am so sad that I didn’t get to sit and chat with you, one on one for at least a few minutes. Thanks for putting yourself out there…you are hot!

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Parenting Sites 411

  20. All of this brings up a very important question.

    I am a blonde. Naturally. I mean, basically naturally with – STOP JUDGING ME! Ahem.

    What color should my confidence wig be?

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..With Bated Breath

  21. at least it was only warm honey they made you drink and not sperm…unless it was Jesus’ sperm…you couldn’t really complain about that. I mean, who refuses the sperm of the messiah? other than the devil…and you know I bet he would drink it too…while watching elephant porn..cause that’s how he rolls

    Hannah’s last blog post..a purple vagina would be a lot more interesting I think

  22. I am SO PISSED I missed the reading part of the presentation. Thanks for the video clip. Feels like I was there. Oh yeah I was! Just not in that room at that moment.

    Anyways. Awesome to hang wichyou.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..That Night

  23. I gotta say that was one of the most fun I’ve had doing a live gig. EVERYONE seemed to have a great time with the readings. Jenny, I’d do it again for you if you ever need me to. Sorry I missed the Vibrator toss.

  24. I kept waiting for him to cry “praise the Lord” like her was giving a sermon, not talking about semen…

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