I am totally usurping Guy Kawasaki

So today The Printed Blog wrote a feature about me, which is really nice because the last feature they wrote was about some famous editor all dressed in a suit with artful lighting, and my feature looks like this:


Even more amazing is that they featured one of my stories and my byline is IN FRONT OF GUY KAWASAKI‘S.  True story.

And even more amazing is that in spite of the fact that my hooker story has to do with defrauding the navy, Guy asked me to join him on a Navy-sponsored field trip to spend the night on an air-craft carrier in the middle of the ocean, which is awesome because I’m terrified of flying, water and giant squid.  Also, my friends were all “You’re sleeping with Guy Kawasaki on some sort of cruise?” and I’m all “No.  There’s going to be other bloggers there too so if anything it’ll be like some kind of weird orgy.”  But I will be able to scope out plans for my naval hooker scenario.   Also I asked Guy if I could bring Victor and he wrote (swear to God) “No.  I only have 14 bullets” which I don’t know what that means but I’m assuming it means Guy Kawasaki is going to murder me for being more popular than him.

PS.  I just want to remind everyone that in real life I’m a lowly junior HR analyst who does pivot tables all day.  And that I’m more popular than Guy Kawasaki.

Comment of the day: See, this is why I’m so in favor of the serial comma – people who read the profile but are unfamiliar with Jenny will think she wants to be (or has been) fisted by the President. Those are just unreasonable expectations to set for new readers. ~ Jason

103 thoughts on “I am totally usurping Guy Kawasaki

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It Sounds like you are writing about Smelly Pirate Hookers. And I just tweeted about Smelly Pirate Hookers. We are so in sync.

    PS I’m not a stalker.

  2. They got one thing wrong. Your blog isn’t “surprisingly” popular. That insinuates that like, there are rules for what makes a blog popular and you break every single one of them.

    Oh, wait…

  3. You shouldn’t be afraid of giant squids. In some cultures, they are considered sexy. I learned that from your very own blog.

  4. If they think your blog is “surprisingly popular” then they SERIOUSLY underestimate how screwed up the rest of us are!

  5. Becky is right…sort of like how artists can never be really famous until they are dead. Your blog will be worth much more money then.

  6. Your byline and Guy’s byline should mingle. Then there’d be “American Express Hookers”.

    Wait a minute…

  7. Well, it should tell you how much win you are made of because I don’t even know who Guy Kawasaki is, but you’re one of my most favorite internet people in the history of everything.

    Natalie’s last blog post..Exercise

  8. I like how they say “…surprising popular blog…” That’s basically like saying “this is a pile of crap but people are actually digging it!” I think you’re not surprisingly popular–you’re deservedly popular 🙂

    gingela5’s last blog post..Poop and Turkey, This is my Life…

  9. OK, I have to say this..I have never heard of Guy Kawasaki (is he related to a motorbike?). I have, however, heard of you. Ergo, you must be more popular than him. Whoever he is.

  10. I’m a little worried about this plan. The Navy is sponsoring geeks to stay on an aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean. This must be one of those military experiments where they are going to expose you to rock acid (no relation) or try to change your DNA or something.

    My advice: bring your own drinks and keep them in your sight at all times. Wear a whistle. And most importantly, don’t jump any sharks. Never forget that.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Toilets, toilets everywhere, but not a drop to drink

  11. A ship full of guys who haven’t seen a beautiful woman in months and Guy only brought 14 bullets?! Buy more bullets…

  12. I think usurping is what my dog did to the loogie my husband spit on the deck last night.

    You have completely wiped out my personal govenor, Jenny. Thanks a lot.

    Fuck you, cupcakes.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..My Pants Hate Me

  13. I’ve never figured out why Gay Kowabunga is so popular. You, on the other hand, are entirely made of awesomeness.

  14. Can’t you just offer to bring extra bullets I mean seriously! I have no idea who this Guy kawasaki is and I know who you are (well in the I stalk your blog all the time sort of way) so duh your more popular than him.

    Watch Guy Kawasaki turn out to be a chick. Like one of those roller derby ones from back in the day that is as big as a house with a mullet that could eat your head for breakfast. If this is the case please don’t eat me!

  15. The shifting of power and atoms is making me a little lightheaded, but after all you *WERE* talkin’ hookers, no one can compete with that really.

  16. Sigmund Freud might want to ask why you chose “usurping” in your post title. You do realize it’s an anagram for “pursuing” don’t you?

  17. I never knew who Guy Kawasaki was until you told me about him. You should stop telling everyone his name and then you will be more popular than him.

    Melissa’s last blog post..Tucson Sunset

  18. I’m just wondering why they felt the need to point out that you have a “surprisingly” popular blog? Your like that show…”Politically Incorrect”, but on a website.
    Now I see I wasn’t the only one who caught that.

  19. PS.
    Guy Kawasaki must be some sort of Ninja because I’ve never seen him.

  20. I know who Guy Kawasaki is, and although I read the occasional article on how LinkedIn will save your life, I still like you better. I also have intimate knowledge of Pivot Tables (yeah, I hit that) and you’re way sexier than Pivot Tables could ever hope to be.

  21. “Surprisingly popular”? Who are they kidding. You are the “Bloggess” as in Blogging Goddess. We all worship at your feet. And your loyal minions will of course expect a full report of the camp out on the war ship. 🙂

    chl0525’s last blog post..Friends in Need

  22. Just in case Guy Kawasaki is a better shot than he is a contender for the lead story, I think you should leave a note that says you want you tombstone to say “Awesome and also unsettling and inappropriate”

    But I think you can totally take him in a gun fight. Pretend he was on your property.

    Dani’s last blog post..Coming soon to an internet near you, maybe…

  23. AND it’s your baby baby baby baby shower day Jenny and damn it you forgot to tell anyone. Way to go. Now you’ll get nothing. Well, I suppose I’ll still get you the diaper genie for the puppy pee pads, cuz that’s the kinda gal I am. A pathetically lonely 4 commenter blogger who still cares for her fellow popular smoker squid blogger. What ever Jens.

    (Don’t worry, I’m just high on sedation) (No, wait, I’m LOW on sedation) (But really you should have appreciated the hard work I put into your damn shower.)

    Simply Jenn’s last blog post..Jenny the blogess does not have "rheumatoid arthritis"

  24. I can’t believe I am leaving a comment before they hit 100.

    You have cornered the market (where there is no actual money) on writing non-sequiturs in a way that people can follow. You write like the mind actually works in our heads, except yours has more exaggeration, sexual references and swearing than mine does.

    You deserve to be more popular than Guy cuz you come around and commented on my blog! (Meaning, you are a nicer person than him.) Plus, when’s the last time anyone heard of Guy discussing massively huge labias?

    Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Family: Can’t Live With ‘Em, And Killing Them’s Illegal

  25. Do you mean you are more popular than guy or more popular with guys?

  26. But in the crucial “bloggers with headshots on buttons” category you are waaaaaaaay behind. And, frankly, that’s what it’s all about these days.
    And the hokey pokey.
    And not starting sentences with the word ‘and’.

    kellie’s last blog post..It’s Fishstick Day!!

  27. Yeah let him try. Guy Kemosabi er walkie talkie er wasabi saki wutsizface won’t know what hit him. And if he really does kill you, he will have a whole mass of heart-broken and angry bloggess followers that will kill him and take all his money and burn his house down making him a dead hobo.

  28. You always get to live out your dreams- hookers, the navy, ninja attacks, being more popular than Guy… You’re my role model

  29. Guy Kawasaki? Heir to the legendary jet ski empire?

    I’m not the first to comment on this, but featuring your blog and then referring to it as “surprisingly popular” is like when someone says, “You look really good…you know, healthy, strong,” and it takes 20 minutes for you to stop smiling and wonder if they just called you fat.

    Steam me up, kid’s last blog post..Kinda like Fight Club, but more violent

  30. My blog is surprisingly popular to me. Also, it’s shocking how many of you don’t know Guy Kawasaki, who is awesome, in spite of his probable intentions to murder me.

  31. Random thoughts…

    “surprisingly popular” sounds like something that should be followed by one of those pussified slams like “bless her heart”.

    I do not recall Guy ever helping to solve the coldness of hobo hands or the problem of what to do with all the dead kittens God kills. Huh Guy Kawasaki? Huh? That’s right bucko!

    if Guy kills you then maybe your IPhone will work for you 🙂

    ok, no f-the IPhone, he is totally not allowed to kill our Bloggess…(unless you finish the book first!)

    Don’t drink the Kool-aid Jenny!

  32. Dude. They should change the name of it to The Printed Bloggess.

    Because, aren’t you on there like every day?


    Y’s last blog post..16

  33. I think Bloke Cowabunga means it would take way more than 14 bullets to bring down Victor, what with his renowned mad katana skillz. Victor could probably cut a bullet in half before it even reached him. You should totally take him along on your cruise as a bodyguard. And Hailey too. Yeah, leave the house empty. Where did you say you live?

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..URGENT REPLY NEEDED

  34. As I was reading your posting, this is what CBS news proceeded to display across their screen SQUID EXPLOSION. Here are some choice quotes from the segment

    “global warming equals explosion of humboldt squid”
    “squid are not picky eaters”

    The world is ending.

  35. See, this is why I’m so in favor of the serial comma – people who read the profile but are unfamiliar with Jenny will think she wants to be (or has been) fisted by the President. Those are just unreasonable expectations to set for new readers. Will they settle for huge labia?

  36. You should really learn the dude’s name if you’re going hunting for giant squid with him. To keep calling him “Guy” is a little disrespectful, just sayin’.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..The Gypsy Within

  37. I finally went to Kawasaki’s blog, coz I have no idea who this little weenie is.

    2 words for him: SUCK IT!

    He’s a tool.

    He’s all: Look at me in the new car. Look at my kid’s car seat in the car (which by the way, looks like the kid shit all over.) Look at all the fancy sober people my tiny dick and I know.

  38. I totally read the title as you were slurping Guy Kawasaki. I bet you that dollar everyone else did too.

    And I was all ‘Oh. So that is how you get somewhere in the blogging world.’

    Does he taste like chicken?

  39. That may be the most perfect biography of you possible. I especially like the placement of presidential fisting and your vagina…crap, did I just make it sound even worse?

    Kyla’s last blog post..The Speech, Remix Edition

  40. don’t forget your hook and wooden leg. I hear once you’re at sea pirate law takes over and you might have a turf war with another sea-pimp….and if you see Jack from Titanic out there don’t let go. I’m still mad at Rose for that. Stupid whore promised not to let go!

    Hannah’s last blog post..instead of going for a run…

  41. I have to say, if there’s ANYONE to be murdered by, it would be Guy Kawasaki.

    Plus, if he murders you, you would ultimately 1087% usurp him. How much more popular is the murdered than the murderer? SO MUCH.

    Jamie’s last blog post..5 ways sex is like social media.

  42. Some advice on your 3 hour cruise to Squidville with a guy named Guy. Since he only has 14 bullets take your bullet proof vest and your gun that shoots vodka Jello Shots. This will come in handy if you are attacked or if you have a flare and need to get toasted quickly.

    If you need it, remember that if you have a giant labia, if used properly will become a an emergency flotation device.

    Also…dude that chick’s tongue is so on fire. I’ve seen it happen before…freaky but in some ways wickedly cool. Good call.

    Jenn’s last blog post..Cold and Wet Fun

  43. I hope one day to be described as a “surprisingly popular blog”. For you, it’s totally inaccurate, though. Every single person who I’ve sent one of your posts to calls to read me posts of yours occasionally. And I’m all like, Yah, I know! I actually subscribe to her too. Remember how I sent you that link?

    Anyway, your comment luv thing stinks because it’s saying that my last post was about Myers Briggs Personality testing, but I’ve done a much cooler post about how to carve personalized bookplate stamps. If you send me something hilarious to write on it, I’ll totally send you one.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Myers Briggs Personality Typing

  44. I confessed to having a crush on Guy Kawasaki which I’m pretty sure is how I landed on Alltop. Apparently it wasn’t enough to land me on a Navy ship, though.

    I’m “surprisingly” jealous.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..Springy Craftiness

  45. How smart can Guy really be? I’m sure he misspelled “billets.”

    Or maybe he really does plan to shoot everyone. What do I know?

    Anyway, if you can get on that carrier trip, you should totally do it. I have once and it was SO EFFING COOL. I don’t want to be on there in the Navy, but as a civilian? Totally rocks. There’s nothing like landing and taking off from a carrier. Even in a mail plane (you can tell by the balls).

    I still think about the snacks in the Chief’s Mess and that was like 10 years ago. “All you can eat snacks” is like an aphrodisiac to me.

    Chrystal’s last blog post..Crying, Writhing, Leg Locks, Frustration, Crawling Away, Begging, Dragon Tales, Caillou, etc.

  46. I am going to a conference and GUY KAWASAKI IS SPEAKING! My first instinct was to wander up to him, scream “the BLOGESS RULZ” then rub his nose in your higher byline. Then I realized I’d be at a work event and that would seem weird. And maybe he doesn’t realize how amazing you are.

    But I’ll whisper it just for you.

    Neo Geek Girl’s last blog post..Day 63 of 365

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