So today The Printed Blog wrote a feature about me, which is really nice because the last feature they wrote was about some famous editor all dressed in a suit with artful lighting, and my feature looks like this:
Even more amazing is that they featured one of my stories and my byline is IN FRONT OF GUY KAWASAKI‘S. True story.
And even more amazing is that in spite of the fact that my hooker story has to do with defrauding the navy, Guy asked me to join him on a Navy-sponsored field trip to spend the night on an air-craft carrier in the middle of the ocean, which is awesome because I’m terrified of flying, water and giant squid. Also, my friends were all “You’re sleeping with Guy Kawasaki on some sort of cruise?” and I’m all “No. There’s going to be other bloggers there too so if anything it’ll be like some kind of weird orgy.” But I will be able to scope out plans for my naval hooker scenario. Also I asked Guy if I could bring Victor and he wrote (swear to God) “No. I only have 14 bullets” which I don’t know what that means but I’m assuming it means Guy Kawasaki is going to murder me for being more popular than him.
PS. I just want to remind everyone that in real life I’m a lowly junior HR analyst who does pivot tables all day. And that I’m more popular than Guy Kawasaki.
Comment of the day: See, this is why I’m so in favor of the serial comma – people who read the profile but are unfamiliar with Jenny will think she wants to be (or has been) fisted by the President. Those are just unreasonable expectations to set for new readers. ~ Jason
103 thoughts on “I am totally usurping Guy Kawasaki”
Read comments below or add one.
We’ll miss you when Guy does you in.
It Sounds like you are writing about Smelly Pirate Hookers. And I just tweeted about Smelly Pirate Hookers. We are so in sync.
PS I’m not a stalker.
Did they pay you for using your picture? Also, I’m a little let down there weren’t more seamen jokes.
andy’s last blog post..One step closer to Skynet, folks
They got one thing wrong. Your blog isn’t “surprisingly” popular. That insinuates that like, there are rules for what makes a blog popular and you break every single one of them.
You shouldn’t be afraid of giant squids. In some cultures, they are considered sexy. I learned that from your very own blog.
I don’t even know who Guy Kawasaki is. I am off to google him. Whoa.. that sounds kind of sexual. Try not to google anyone on the aircraft carrier.. 😉
WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Adventure, Excitement… A Stepmom craves not these things.
If they think your blog is “surprisingly popular” then they SERIOUSLY underestimate how screwed up the rest of us are!
Thanks for letting TPB feature you, Jenny!
Can I come on the cruise? Will there be a bathroom?
Damn straight you’re more popular! And now you’ll be even more popular because Guy’s going to kill you. Man, I’m jealous.
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Book Review: East of Eden
Becky is right…sort of like how artists can never be really famous until they are dead. Your blog will be worth much more money then.
What do they mean, “surprisingly popular”?
Steve’s last blog post..Breaking News: Beer Pong Doesn’t Cause Herpes
Congratulations, Jenny! That’s really cool, at least cooler than anything the Cowasucky guy has going on.
Writer Dad’s last blog post..An Ode to My Boy
I have no idea what pivot tables are, but they sound sexy, and thus I am forced to question this lowly junior HR analyst thing. I would also like to buy a pivot table.
*snort* the two of you on a ship together is kind of a hysterical thought. don’t sink the ship.
Allison’s last blog post..fit tip thursday.
Your byline and Guy’s byline should mingle. Then there’d be “American Express Hookers”.
Wait a minute…
Well, it should tell you how much win you are made of because I don’t even know who Guy Kawasaki is, but you’re one of my most favorite internet people in the history of everything.
Natalie’s last blog post..Exercise
Leading with a Hooker story is always the way to go. The Printed Blog must know what’s up.
Summer’s last blog post..My transformation to nerdom is almost complete
Obvs you’re more popular than Guy Kawasaki, because I have no idea who that is.
I am very limited.
becky’s last blog post..My Love for Orla Kiely Will Not Be Silenced
I like how they say “…surprising popular blog…” That’s basically like saying “this is a pile of crap but people are actually digging it!” I think you’re not surprisingly popular–you’re deservedly popular 🙂
gingela5’s last blog post..Poop and Turkey, This is my Life…
i’m sorry, guy who? last name doesn’t ring a bell.
highway’s last blog post..My Superbowl Picks
OK, I have to say this..I have never heard of Guy Kawasaki (is he related to a motorbike?). I have, however, heard of you. Ergo, you must be more popular than him. Whoever he is.
I’m a little worried about this plan. The Navy is sponsoring geeks to stay on an aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean. This must be one of those military experiments where they are going to expose you to rock acid (no relation) or try to change your DNA or something.
My advice: bring your own drinks and keep them in your sight at all times. Wear a whistle. And most importantly, don’t jump any sharks. Never forget that.
Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Toilets, toilets everywhere, but not a drop to drink
14 bullets, huh?
magpie’s last blog post..Grace #6 = Tea and Cubans
A ship full of guys who haven’t seen a beautiful woman in months and Guy only brought 14 bullets?! Buy more bullets…
I had no idea Guy got so violent when he was jealous.
Heather’s last blog post..Baby it’s COLD outside
You can use my Mafia connection if you need protection…they are efficient and hot….
Anita Ovolina’s last blog post..Seriously, Parmesan on Pizza?
i have a porn that is all about usurping. i don’t own a thesaurus btw
furiousBall’s last blog post..titties vs. FOWA
So what your saying is, Guy whatshisface isn’t that famous?
I like how they insulted you with the whole “surprisingly popular” thing.
Momo Fali’s last blog post..Picky
I think usurping is what my dog did to the loogie my husband spit on the deck last night.
You have completely wiped out my personal govenor, Jenny. Thanks a lot.
Fuck you, cupcakes.
Betsey Booms’s last blog post..My Pants Hate Me
OK alright OK… *pant*
Blogs that get 400 or so comments? ehhh.
PIVOT TABLES!? AWESOME!
Amber Mc’s last blog post..Photo Phriday: During the best moment of my life, I was on drugs.
I was told bullets came in packs of 50. He only has 14? You may want to check on the others whose bylines scored higher too..
Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..It’s Tuesday, It’s Random, You Should Expect It Now
Hi. Depressed to admit that I have done a few pivot tables myself.
“only 14 bullets” ha!
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Blissdom 09: Nashville Shopping
So you need to run your naval hooker idea past Guy… If he hates it, Run With IT!!! Cause neiner, neiner, neiner Guy, Jenny is more popular!!!
Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..If Mama Blog Tour ’09 and Giveaway
Man, I hope you know karate.
Please say I’m not the only one who doesn’t know who Guy Kawasaki is…?
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com’s last blog post..Again with the happiness.
I’ve never figured out why Gay Kowabunga is so popular. You, on the other hand, are entirely made of awesomeness.
Can’t you just offer to bring extra bullets I mean seriously! I have no idea who this Guy kawasaki is and I know who you are (well in the I stalk your blog all the time sort of way) so duh your more popular than him.
Watch Guy Kawasaki turn out to be a chick. Like one of those roller derby ones from back in the day that is as big as a house with a mullet that could eat your head for breakfast. If this is the case please don’t eat me!
The shifting of power and atoms is making me a little lightheaded, but after all you *WERE* talkin’ hookers, no one can compete with that really.
Sigmund Freud might want to ask why you chose “usurping” in your post title. You do realize it’s an anagram for “pursuing” don’t you?
Hmm. Never heard of Guy Mitsubishi.
If life were a popularity contest, you would SO win.
My mother always taught me that winning life was about how much fabric you had in your closet.
Do you have enough fabric? or are you content to just beat Guy Kawasaki, and you don’t care about the rest of us?
The Mother’s last blog post..Corporeal Punishment? Is that a Yes/No Question?
I never knew who Guy Kawasaki was until you told me about him. You should stop telling everyone his name and then you will be more popular than him.
Melissa’s last blog post..Tucson Sunset
Guy’s all fine and good, but I won’t think squat of him until he pivots a table. That sounds really hard.
Gypsy Mom’s last blog post..Gypsy Mom Goes to a Bull Roast
You are OBVIOUSLY POPULAR. Those people are clueless.
I heart you for not glamourizing smoking. God bless you, Jenny.
Fantastic Forrest’s last blog post..Salacious Scenes Sing Along: Sperm Test
I’m pretty sure that if it came down to a fight, you could totally take Whatsis. Especially if you ambushed him.
Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..You Get Three Shots, In Case You Need A Ride, Or Some Heroin Or Something
Can’t wait to hear about this cruise — if you make it back!
TexasRed’s last blog post..Pledge to End Hunger
I’m just wondering why they felt the need to point out that you have a “surprisingly” popular blog? Your like that show…”Politically Incorrect”, but on a website.
Now I see I wasn’t the only one who caught that.
Guy Kawasaki must be some sort of Ninja because I’ve never seen him.
I know who Guy Kawasaki is, and although I read the occasional article on how LinkedIn will save your life, I still like you better. I also have intimate knowledge of Pivot Tables (yeah, I hit that) and you’re way sexier than Pivot Tables could ever hope to be.
Who is he anyway? Why am I following him on Twitter?
How to Party with an Infant’s last blog post..Love in the Time of Recession
If you ever find yourself single, you should totally let those people write your personal ad for eharmony.
lettergirl’s last blog post..To The Poop-Rolling Dog
“Surprisingly popular”? Who are they kidding. You are the “Bloggess” as in Blogging Goddess. We all worship at your feet. And your loyal minions will of course expect a full report of the camp out on the war ship. 🙂
chl0525’s last blog post..Friends in Need
Just in case Guy Kawasaki is a better shot than he is a contender for the lead story, I think you should leave a note that says you want you tombstone to say “Awesome and also unsettling and inappropriate”
But I think you can totally take him in a gun fight. Pretend he was on your property.
Dani’s last blog post..Coming soon to an internet near you, maybe…
Anyone who thinks that your popularity is surprising *obviously* doesn’t realize how fucked up people are. All you’ve done is said exactly what everyone else wishes they could say on a regular basis…except, you know, funnier.
MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Some Very Mature Thoughts or Why I’m Not Shopping at Kohl’s Until I’m 30
Of course you know who Guy Kawasaki is.. he’s the guy whose head breaks the coinstar machine!
amy’s last blog post..I have had nothing to say
AND it’s your baby baby baby baby shower day Jenny and damn it you forgot to tell anyone. Way to go. Now you’ll get nothing. Well, I suppose I’ll still get you the diaper genie for the puppy pee pads, cuz that’s the kinda gal I am. A pathetically lonely 4 commenter blogger who still cares for her fellow popular smoker squid blogger. What ever Jens.
(Don’t worry, I’m just high on sedation) (No, wait, I’m LOW on sedation) (But really you should have appreciated the hard work I put into your damn shower.)
Simply Jenn’s last blog post..Jenny the blogess does not have "rheumatoid arthritis"
annie’s last blog post..Updating From a Semi-Prone Position
I can’t believe I am leaving a comment before they hit 100.
You have cornered the market (where there is no actual money) on writing non-sequiturs in a way that people can follow. You write like the mind actually works in our heads, except yours has more exaggeration, sexual references and swearing than mine does.
You deserve to be more popular than Guy cuz you come around and commented on my blog! (Meaning, you are a nicer person than him.) Plus, when’s the last time anyone heard of Guy discussing massively huge labias?
Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Family: Can’t Live With ‘Em, And Killing Them’s Illegal
You kicked Guy’s ass- you black Jesus action figure, you!
Stacy Quarty’s last blog post..Hard Truth Capicity
Do you mean you are more popular than guy or more popular with guys?
But in the crucial “bloggers with headshots on buttons” category you are waaaaaaaay behind. And, frankly, that’s what it’s all about these days.
And the hokey pokey.
And not starting sentences with the word ‘and’.
kellie’s last blog post..It’s Fishstick Day!!
I love you.
And if Guy Kawasaki kills you in international waters, I’ll TOTALLY avenge your death. I know where he lives.
AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..How to Scare the Ever Loving Crap Out of Your Child In Three Easy Steps
Information on hookers is far more important than Guy. True.
erikagwen’s last blog post..boobarella and Wingal: Textravaganza!
Do they realize that “surprisingly popular” is an insult? Either way, good on ya.
Yeah let him try. Guy Kemosabi er walkie talkie er wasabi saki wutsizface won’t know what hit him. And if he really does kill you, he will have a whole mass of heart-broken and angry bloggess followers that will kill him and take all his money and burn his house down making him a dead hobo.
You always get to live out your dreams- hookers, the navy, ninja attacks, being more popular than Guy… You’re my role model
You know what? FUCK Guy Kawasaki.
Long Live The Bloggess.
Guy Kawasaki? Heir to the legendary jet ski empire?
I’m not the first to comment on this, but featuring your blog and then referring to it as “surprisingly popular” is like when someone says, “You look really good…you know, healthy, strong,” and it takes 20 minutes for you to stop smiling and wonder if they just called you fat.
Steam me up, kid’s last blog post..Kinda like Fight Club, but more violent
My blog is surprisingly popular to me. Also, it’s shocking how many of you don’t know Guy Kawasaki, who is awesome, in spite of his probable intentions to murder me.
“surprisingly popular” sounds like something that should be followed by one of those pussified slams like “bless her heart”.
I do not recall Guy ever helping to solve the coldness of hobo hands or the problem of what to do with all the dead kittens God kills. Huh Guy Kawasaki? Huh? That’s right bucko!
if Guy kills you then maybe your IPhone will work for you 🙂
ok, no f-the IPhone, he is totally not allowed to kill our Bloggess…(unless you finish the book first!)
Don’t drink the Kool-aid Jenny!
Dude. They should change the name of it to The Printed Bloggess.
Because, aren’t you on there like every day?
Y’s last blog post..16
I’ve been using GROUP BY statements fer so long, I’d almost forgotten all aboot pivot tables! — Thanx to you, I can now pad my resume even *more*! YAY!!!…
Andrew Ironwood’s last blog post..Incantation/Decantation
I know who Guy is. He’s like a RSS feed. And you’re…surprisingly different…
Watch out for him on that boat. He’s got a quick draw…
Juli Ryan’s last blog post..We don’t know how lucky we are.
Shit – it takes 14 bullets to bring you down? DAMN. Fuck werewolves, I’m scared of The Bloggess.
katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..call of the bliss
I rest my case:
Juli Ryan’s last blog post..We don’t know how lucky we are.
I think Bloke Cowabunga means it would take way more than 14 bullets to bring down Victor, what with his renowned mad katana skillz. Victor could probably cut a bullet in half before it even reached him. You should totally take him along on your cruise as a bodyguard. And Hailey too. Yeah, leave the house empty. Where did you say you live?
Mr Farty’s last blog post..URGENT REPLY NEEDED
Yes, you are indeed more popular than Guy Kawasaki. I don’t even follow him. He doesn’t have fine breasts and a vagina and you do. Case closed.
Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Bono, turn in your penis
As I was reading your posting, this is what CBS news proceeded to display across their screen SQUID EXPLOSION. Here are some choice quotes from the segment
“global warming equals explosion of humboldt squid”
“squid are not picky eaters”
The world is ending.
See, this is why I’m so in favor of the serial comma – people who read the profile but are unfamiliar with Jenny will think she wants to be (or has been) fisted by the President. Those are just unreasonable expectations to set for new readers. Will they settle for huge labia?
You should really learn the dude’s name if you’re going hunting for giant squid with him. To keep calling him “Guy” is a little disrespectful, just sayin’.
HeatherPride’s last blog post..The Gypsy Within
pivot tables sounds kinda kinky if you have no clue about that kind of HR’y thing. fuck Guy and his bullets
habanerogal’s last blog post..Bullet Time Tuesday Vaginalogues
I finally went to Kawasaki’s blog, coz I have no idea who this little weenie is.
2 words for him: SUCK IT!
He’s a tool.
He’s all: Look at me in the new car. Look at my kid’s car seat in the car (which by the way, looks like the kid shit all over.) Look at all the fancy sober people my tiny dick and I know.
I totally read the title as you were slurping Guy Kawasaki. I bet you that dollar everyone else did too.
And I was all ‘Oh. So that is how you get somewhere in the blogging world.’
Does he taste like chicken?
Now, Isaac Mizrahi says fat is the new black. Just thought you should know…
Mari’s last blog post..…for Tammie
I think he meant PowerPoint Bullet points. Sometimes one more bullet point messes it all up.
April’s last blog post..My friend Sol
So, wait, you’re going to spend the night in the ocean with a motorcycle?
Rhea’s last blog post..Masks are meant to hide things, right?
That may be the most perfect biography of you possible. I especially like the placement of presidential fisting and your vagina…crap, did I just make it sound even worse?
Kyla’s last blog post..The Speech, Remix Edition
Your blog could take Guy’s blog with one labia tied behind its back!
Eddie Lynn’s last blog post..Song.ly Test – Don’t “Blame It” on Me
You so rock. I want to come on the aircraft carrier mission too. Will bring wigs for everyone!
Lady M’s last blog post..Four Trips Around the Sun
This post was ultimately all about semen wasn’t it?
Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On Juggling
don’t forget your hook and wooden leg. I hear once you’re at sea pirate law takes over and you might have a turf war with another sea-pimp….and if you see Jack from Titanic out there don’t let go. I’m still mad at Rose for that. Stupid whore promised not to let go!
Hannah’s last blog post..instead of going for a run…
I have to say, if there’s ANYONE to be murdered by, it would be Guy Kawasaki.
Plus, if he murders you, you would ultimately 1087% usurp him. How much more popular is the murdered than the murderer? SO MUCH.
Jamie’s last blog post..5 ways sex is like social media.
Some advice on your 3 hour cruise to Squidville with a guy named Guy. Since he only has 14 bullets take your bullet proof vest and your gun that shoots vodka Jello Shots. This will come in handy if you are attacked or if you have a flare and need to get toasted quickly.
If you need it, remember that if you have a giant labia, if used properly will become a an emergency flotation device.
Also…dude that chick’s tongue is so on fire. I’ve seen it happen before…freaky but in some ways wickedly cool. Good call.
Jenn’s last blog post..Cold and Wet Fun
At this very moment, Guy Kawasaki is trying to figure out how to work the key word “vagina” into his blog.
Y’know, you can get very fashionable bullet-proof outfits these days. There’s even lingerie. They’re probably not the best protection around but, hey, the guy’s only got 14 bullets.
Steve’s last blog post..Free Vertebra in Every Pack!
I hope one day to be described as a “surprisingly popular blog”. For you, it’s totally inaccurate, though. Every single person who I’ve sent one of your posts to calls to read me posts of yours occasionally. And I’m all like, Yah, I know! I actually subscribe to her too. Remember how I sent you that link?
Anyway, your comment luv thing stinks because it’s saying that my last post was about Myers Briggs Personality testing, but I’ve done a much cooler post about how to carve personalized bookplate stamps. If you send me something hilarious to write on it, I’ll totally send you one.
Wendy’s last blog post..Myers Briggs Personality Typing
Being more popular than Guy Kawasaki is such a bittersweet, double-edged sword. It’s like being more popular than Walmart.
Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy’s last blog post..Phoning it In
I confessed to having a crush on Guy Kawasaki which I’m pretty sure is how I landed on Alltop. Apparently it wasn’t enough to land me on a Navy ship, though.
I’m “surprisingly” jealous.
Lunasea’s last blog post..Springy Craftiness
How smart can Guy really be? I’m sure he misspelled “billets.”
Or maybe he really does plan to shoot everyone. What do I know?
Anyway, if you can get on that carrier trip, you should totally do it. I have once and it was SO EFFING COOL. I don’t want to be on there in the Navy, but as a civilian? Totally rocks. There’s nothing like landing and taking off from a carrier. Even in a mail plane (you can tell by the balls).
I still think about the snacks in the Chief’s Mess and that was like 10 years ago. “All you can eat snacks” is like an aphrodisiac to me.
Chrystal’s last blog post..Crying, Writhing, Leg Locks, Frustration, Crawling Away, Begging, Dragon Tales, Caillou, etc.
I am going to a conference and GUY KAWASAKI IS SPEAKING! My first instinct was to wander up to him, scream “the BLOGESS RULZ” then rub his nose in your higher byline. Then I realized I’d be at a work event and that would seem weird. And maybe he doesn’t realize how amazing you are.
But I’ll whisper it just for you.
Neo Geek Girl’s last blog post..Day 63 of 365
Never heard of him.
spazz.me’s last blog post..Sex in Dartmoor