Wolverines are the new sasquatch

Me and my friend Kregg discussing how shitty rheumatoid arthritis is:

Kregg:  So you still hurt?  Can’t they just do like a total joint replacement?

Me:  Exactly!  Like on Wolverine where they replace all my bones with edamame.

Kregg:  Uh…adamantium.

Me:  What did I say?

Kregg: Edamame.

Me: Oh that wouldn’t work.  My entire skeletal system replaced with steamed soybeans?  I’d be a giant puddle.

Kregg:  But when you get angry edemame would shoot out of your fingers.  Delicious.

Me:  And I’d totally eat them because I eat when I’m angry and the doctors would be all “Spit those beans out!  You only get those!  They won’t regenerate beans!”

Kregg:  Plus you’d probably have to be refrigerated.

Me:  And I’d get all mad at the doctors for only giving me one set of soybeans and they’d be all “You’re not like a plant, lady.  You can’t just magically grow beans.  This is science…not wizardry.”

Kregg:  We live in primitive times, my friend.

Me:  Fuck.  I’m going to be doing meth forever.  Or at least until science catches up with me.

Then we started talking about which piece of office furniture was heavy enough to break out my office window and one of us said something hysterical about snow or goblins or something.  I wrote it down but it doesn’t make any sense now.  I’d probably remember it if I wasn’t on so much meth.  Or possibly it was only funny because I’m on meth.  Either way it’s probably best forgotten but this is what the note says: “Snow in fountain for advertising.  Goblin mascot.”  Oh wait, it’s my grocery list.  Now it all makes sense.  Thanks, meth.

Comment of day: You know what scares me? That, some day, Jenny will wake up from the coma she is in, and realize that all of this – including all of *us* – was nothing but a coma-induced delusion. ~ EdT.

66 thoughts on “Wolverines are the new sasquatch

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  1. I think adamantium would make a great joint replacement material. I would like my entire skeleton replaced, please. I’d settle for titanium, even. Oooh, I wonder if that would take off a few pounds? Titanium is super-light, after all. Then maybe I could move without everything popping. And if I had a new spine, it couldn’t possibly hurt all the time, could it? Damn scientists wasting their time on global warming when they should be designing a new skeleton for me.

  2. Hilarious!

    Do all of your conversations eventually end up talking about mutants from the X-men universe — or is it specifically a fixation on Wolverine?

    =)

  3. Yeah, you don’t want edamame for bones. The aroma around you would be bad… but instead of shooting the beans out you could shoot out nasty gas at everyone. That could be good (everyone would leave you alone) or that could be bad (everyone would leave you alone).

  4. We had some edamame that went bad in our refrigerator a few weeks ago and the whole house smelled awful. Unless you could figure out a way to refrigerate yourself, you’d probably have, like, the WORST B.O. EVER.

  5. I? Can totally fix this problem for you. Get ready to have your mind blown. Ready?

    Can you ever really be ready to have your mind blown?

    Yes, yes you can, so do it.

    Dry Roasted Edamame.

    Yeah, that JUST happened. Seriously, it’s delicious, comes in huge quantities at those warehouse stores and needs no refrigeration.

    Granted you can’t really regenerate it right? But at the discount you get when you buy in bulk, you just hook yourself up a backpack connected to your Edamame joints.

    And when you get bored? Problem solved, you’re playing Ghostbusters my friend.

    Which one would you be? I’m really torn between Egon and Venkman. Egon is smart but Venkman is a funny douche.

    Oh nevermind. Just call Venkman, everyone does.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..How To Feel Like The Walking Dead In Two Easy Steps, And Not The Awesome Zombie Dead, Just The Dead Dead

  6. I think I can help with deciphering the note because I scrawled the same thing on the envelope that held my water cutoff notice. What you meant by “Snow in fountain for advertising. Goblin mascot” was the framework for a new advertising medium in which we create invisible templates of transparent freon glue in fountains across the land so that when snowlands in the fountain, it’s attracted to the glue slick (yes, glue slick,/ like fitness chocolate) to form a logo for a brand, a brand which of course is represented by a goblin. Because only a goblin would screw with snow that way. What brand I don’t know, but I’d guess the product is bean related. Hope this helps. Damned, I’m thirsty.

    everysandwich’s last blog post..Music preference by SAT scores

  7. @Samantha:

    Solid titanium would be substantially heavier than bone:

    Compact bone: ~1.9 g/cm^3 (from here)
    Titanium: ~4.5 g/cm^3 (according to Wikipedia)

    Even aluminum is heavier, at 2.70 g/cm^3 (Wikipedia again)

    What’s that? You say this is a humor blog, and this technical s— doesn’t belong here?

    Sorry, I’ll leave you alone now.

  8. Is this some kind of advertising scam for the new X-Men movie coming out? Your a damn promo machine right now! The only thing that will top all this off for me is if they serve edamame at the theater the night of the release.

    One Love.

    Eddie’s last blog post..John Mayer – The Sell Out

  9. I’ve heard too much soy can lead to thyroid problems. Then you would have another “oid” issue. Anything that ends with “oid” tends to suck, except androids and if they develop human emotion, you’re fucked. So, I guess they suck, too.

  10. I worry about your RA. I need for you to stay healthy enough to continue to be my muse.

    Yeah, I’m creepy like that.

    Anyway (and I know this sounds totally lame, but I’m not selling anything so shutty), I have a book about foods that heal called Foods That Heal, and there is a whole big section on foods that help inflammation. It couldn’t hurt. I will send it to you if you want it.

    Nena’s last blog post..Apologies

  11. My husband is always complaining that his back hurts so I told him what he needed was a prescription for meth. He seemed to think that was wrong. I told him I had a reliable source from the Internet. THE INTERNET! What more proof does this man need? Don’t take it personally though, it’s not you. He is skeptical of anything I tell him. You innocently recommend ONE TIME that your sick spouse combine NyQuil with prescription cough syrup containing codeine and he nearly chokes to death on a Luden’s cough drop and suddenly your advice is all suspect.

  12. I’d rather be made up lead. It’s really heavy so people who bumped into you would be like “Shit, that dude is SOLID!” Plus if anything happened to me I could always pound myself back into shape with a hammer. Come to think of it, it would better if my car was made of lead.

  13. “Snow in fountain for advertising. Goblin mascot.”

    I’m pretty sure that same line shows up in the manual for my DVD player.

    Steve’s last blog post..Pizza

  14. To clarify, Wolverine’s skeleton wasn’t replaced with edamame: It has edamame fused to it. Which is why, in the comic books, he’s always getting into fights with ninjas. It’s not that they hate him, they’re just hungry.

    Evn’s last blog post..The Other Side of the Deck

  15. Dude, you should totally get your bones replaced with edamame. Then your soft tissue can be switched out with tofu, and your blood can become soy sauce. You’d be some sort of soy bean goddess, and thousands of manga books would be written in your honor. You’d be a (very soft and mostly useless) superhero in Japan.

    “Who is that woman over there?”
    “What woman?”
    “The one lying in bed, sipping a margarita and giggling to herself?”
    “Oh, that is the Soy Bride. Very magical woman.”
    “What is her magic?”
    “She has the power to curse, to get all of twitter to shout things, and to curse. Her means of attack is panic.”
    “Ohhh. She sounds so powerful.”
    “Yeah, not really. She’s just a blogger. Wanna get a beer?”

  16. My little sister was on methotrexate too! lame. even more lame is that hers was a shot. that my mom had to give to her! I asked if I could do it but she said no.

    also, one of my campers with ADHD is on a different type of meth for his adhd. and I’m all like “No wonder he has so much energy, he’s on meth”

    I feel like your brain is kind of like mine, because I totally get what you are saying. but I don’t like edamame. I’d prefer to launch chocolate chips at people. It would distract them if they tried to attack me

  17. @Grep Agni –
    Thanks for the info on titanium. I was just going off of how light titanium rings are, but since I’ve never seen a ring made out of human bones, I had no basis of comparison. At least I know now not to make my prototype skeleton out of it.

  18. so, like, the surgeons would take out your bones and then just shove a bunch of edamame in the holes? how would you shoot them? you’d need some kind of spring mechanisms or catapults put in there as well. don’t forget to mention that to the doctor.

  19. if you had soy beans for bones you would totally be the epitomy of vegan….and that’s pretty awesome. Like the Bionic Woman only instead of kicking ass you would be saving the planet one tofu burger at a time. Kinda like Spider-Man but less messy….but more importantly like WOLVERINE!

    Hannah’s last blog post..Hamilton is pretty hot

  20. You know what scares me? That, some day, Jenny will wake up from the coma she is in, and realize that all of this – including all of *us* – was nothing but a coma-induced delusion.

    ~EdT.

    EdT.’s last blog post..Meatless Monday

  21. Admittedly, an Edamame vajayjay would make eating you out a whole heck of a lot tastier!

  22. Your skeletal frame should be like the edamame pods, so when people suck on your skin, you know who, then the little beans come shooting out. Savory, satisfying and tastes way better with beer than adamantium.

    Noob Mommy’s last blog post..Cavities Can Sublet

  23. So this really goes back to your “yelling out Wolverine will make you happier” post, but when I was in college I would do what we referred to as the Wolverine move where I would pretend I had claws coming out through my fingers. It was really funny but that could be because I spent a lot of those years drunk.

  24. So this really goes back to your “yelling out Wolverine will make you happier” post, but when I was in college I would do what we referred to as the Wolverine move where I would pretend I had claws coming out through my fingers. It was really funny but that could be because I spent a lot of those years drunk.

  25. My dad has a weird form of R.A. that affects his…er…bladder and bladder-related appendages. They had to do a couple of “exploratory scopes”. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like, they went up the peter with a tiny camera. He said it hurt so bad he thinks they accidently stuck the whole damn tripod up there.

    I want to give him meth for father’s day.

  26. First time here, loved it.. followed you on twitter at kids orders.. cause you make her gigglesnort..and I’m glad I can follow orders..

    Loved your grocery list..Meth is our friend..

    Juice’s last blog post..Moving on!/ updated

  27. Science is trying. I’m telling you. But you gotta put yourself out there. Like donate one of your body parts or something. Then scientists would have an easier time figuring stuff out.

    WM’s last blog post..When good Weekends go Bad

  28. I’m pretty sure that eating your bone-beans would be preferable to piling them up somewhere while you waste away.

    What are they going to do, carefully reassemble you every time you get pissed off?

    If it was me, I’d end up just sitting puddled in a cup next to the pile of my bone-beans, screaming obscenities at the quitters with their carpal tunnel who gave up on me.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..A conversation with M-: The wipe that shakes the barley

  29. Last week I went out for pizza with some vegetarian friends who told me that I shouldn’t eat more than two or three servings of soy a week because they knew a couple who ate a lot of soy and the man grew boobs and the woman’s period got all jacked up. So I suppose shooting soy beans could be a good super power. You could threaten people that you’ll shoot them up with soy and five or six years from now they’ll grow boobs and have jacked up vaginas. I’d run.

    Amy’s last blog post..Your opinion and why it doesn’t matter

  30. Sometimes I will lean up against the window in my office or run toward it or pretend to throw my heavy lucite “ten-years-of-toiling-for-the-same-company-that-boughr-me-a-lucite-paperweight-for-my-ten-year-anniversary-with-the-firm-and-then-blocked-Facebook-and TheBloggess-from-our-browser” paperweight at the window because I work on the 46th floor because it freaks out my coworker because he is afraid of heights.

  31. Jenny finally gave me a reason to visit TX: just to lurk in her local supermarket until she comes in so I can scream out WOLVERINES!. Honest. that’s the only reason I’d visit. Thanks Jenny!

  32. I suggest candy cane bones. When they come out of your hands you can suck on the ends and make them really sharp! Ever stab yourself in the mouth while eating a candy cane? Those bitches hurt!

  33. Unfunny unsolicited but potentially helpful advice:

    Please really do be careful about what you eat. I know what kind of shit you put in your mouth and Eggo Waffles and fake margarine really do make inflammatory arthritis worse. Eat real, unprocessed food. Also, keep a food diary and see what makes your RA flare.

    I only say this because I care and I want you to be able to keep typing.

  34. Get off the meth!!! (otrexate) You cannot drink with that, your liver will disappear. Have your insurance and your doctor spring for the DMARD’s. Like you I was young when I first started with this RA shit and I was miserable because I couldn’t have my cocktail on the METH!!! Madness!!!! I got off as soon as Enbrel came out in 1999 and I was partying like it was 1999!!! God it was good after 5 years. Still going and feeling good!!! This blog is my second medicine and we need you healthy girl!!!

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