OhMyGod, shut up, me.

in "Kawasakied" is the new black., functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, Giant squid phobia, Just sad, Random Crap, Sometimes I get Top Gun and real life confused in my head

This is a terrible video blog about my trip to get eaten by giant squid with famous people next week.  Also, a lot of this information might be totally wrong because I’m kind of high right now bad with details.  Also I’m not this blue in person but I am totally this annoying.

Part 2:


Part 3:

PS.  Victor says that distracting you with animal tails and mouse skull necklaces will not make me color-coding our books any less neurotic but I think he’s wrong, and also I pointed out that by showing you the beaver tail in a bottle you were all distracted from how fat I look. Then Victor made me go take my medication.

Please someone tell me I don’t look fat.

PS.  I had to reshoot this twice because my boob fell out.  True story.  If I could figure out how to edit that out I would release that version because it was way better and I’d put a DVD commentary over it telling you what I was really thinking about while I was filming.

PPS.  I was thinking about cheese.

Comment of the day:  Ohmygod you sound like kelly from the office. Like if they did one of those digital voice comparison things like they do in spy movies, yours would like up 100 percent. ~Janet

149 thoughts on “OhMyGod, shut up, me.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Blue suits you better than a tan. Does it come in a spray? Where can I get some?

  7. Not only do I color coordinate my books, but I also put the section of colors in Alphabetical order.
    It’s a nightmare on my bookshelves, and I consider it a fun Tuesday night activity.

    Jen B.’s last blog post..Long post

  8. You don’t look fat!

    And your boob might have been a great extra touch to the video. Next time you should totally leave it in and see if anyone notices. The colors may have camoflauged it. You never know.

    Amazing Greis’s last blog post..Weigh-In Wednesday Week 19

  9. Again, you don’t look fat. You look GORJ! Loving the blue, by the way. Except, now, as I’m looking at my computer screen to write this comment, everything’s still kind of blue…..

    Haley-O’s last blog post..My New Baby….

  10. I have to say this is TOTALLY surreal because:
    (a) I am drunk (after work party – totally legit, but I’m home now)
    (b) you are blue
    (c) my NINE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER is listening to Iron Maiden’s 666 and
    (d) singing along (it would be marginally more surreal if she were signing along, which I typed first)

    So ya. You’re totally not fat. And that’s not the wine talking. Or Iron Maiden. But they don’t think you’re fat either.

    harmzie’s last blog post..Can you say "ball-peen" with a straight face? I never could

  12. fuck.. i know you mentioned it in the video but seriously, i REALLY didn’t think you’d sound like that :0 and you totally don’t look fat at all!

  13. You remind me of a smart and funny Britney Spears in that video. Not that that is even possible, but perhaps in some alternate universe. Because that could totally happen. You’re not Britney Spears are you?

    cluckandtweet’s last blog post..Super Max: take 1001

  14. P.S. Why is the internet trying to tell me to watch Dragonball Z clips if I enjoyed your videoblog? Apparently you’re not blonde. You’re an anime villain!

  17. I do love the confidence wig, if I met you in person I would not recognize you w/o it. 🙂

    But it would be difficult to start the navy hookers b/c you would have to get the navy to approve. What you need is to turn it into an ebook or info product just for navy sailors, then the navy can’t do anything about it b/c they could just buy it online and download it.

    But they are not captive about that b/c they have internet porn, so not sure how helpful that would be. Nevermind.

  20. I just took a whole load of acid, so all the colours I was seeing kinda cancelled out the thermal video.
    Seriously, I’ve just spend 10 minutes looking at grey boxes and hearing about giant squids. Going to make for the worst flashback ever next week when I’m in a business meeting.

    However, you sounded very thin! 🙂

  22. …and how do you not have a t-shirt? Come on! I could whip up a design in, like 5 minutes and dump it on cafepress. I’ve got all sorts of t-shirts for sale, including 4 for my crappy webcomic that no one ever reads. And you don’t have any???!!! Tell you what: If there’s time before the trip, I’ll set up a t-shirt shop for you, just so you have something to wear on the ship.

    Steve’s last blog post..Thoughtless

  23. You sound so sweet and innocent in real life! I don’t know what I was expecting- maybe some hoarse, 2-pack a day tough broad kind of voice maybe. You should do phone sex!
    Hearing how cute you are makes me love you more!
    Did I just call you cute? So sorry! (But you kinda are)

    Yellow Trash Diaries’s last blog post..Climbing Mount Everest

  24. You’re not fat LOL you’re very nice and younger than I thought you were LOL :o) Great video blog, I have a friend on myspace who used to do a weekly video blog..

  25. Well, that was kind of disturbing. Mostly, because I already had a voice and mannerisms picked out for you in my own head, just by reading your blog. Then, you were totally different. Thanks. The whole thing is ruined now. PS – you are so not fat.

    Bunnie’s last blog post..Living Traditions

  26. You’re like Gennifer Goodwin in Big Love when she died her hair blonde—only hotter. And you know she’s one skinny bitch.

  27. I’m in love…you are the girl that I would totally do and I don’t do girls, ever!! No, really…I have been asked and I swear I have never had an inclination…one of them sick guy fantasies and all…that I have to tally dispell every time I date a new guy. FUCK!! But you, that would be a damn scream! So much fun!

  29. You look gorgeous in a very nonfat way. I always imagined you’d sound exactly like that, especially when I imagined what you’d look like if I was Predator and you were Arnold. Try smearing your boobs with mud next time, then they won’t show up on the heat sensor!

    Rikki’s last blog post..JackJack’s girl troubles

  32. My God, you make me wish I had not lost my wig at the St. Paddy Day parade! I love wearing it. People should find other things to get all aghast about…because wearing a wig is like wearing a hat. Right?

    alphawoman’s last blog post..Project 365 with a Cell Phone

  33. If I was going on this big fancy shindig to meet all these bigwigs, I seriously don’t think I would travel there by Greyhound. First impressions are everything. I’d spring for a nice rental car.

  35. I thought you’d sound more….Texan. You know, slow talkin’ drawl that makes it sound like your brain moves like a turtle. But, no. No drawl and you talk pretty damn fast.

    Mouse skeletons and beaver tails. Hmmm. Guess you don’t need critter control around your house. You welcome the rodents especially when you need new decorations?

    The boat trip sounds fun. I hope the captain enjoys passing out those tattoos. I also hope you don’t get eaten by a giant squid.

    a’s last blog post..Know what’s a bigger pregnant woman magnet than Target?

  36. I read a lot of design blogs and the books are ALWAYS color coordinated. They refer to it as curated. So there- your neurosis are hip and trendy.
    Also? You don’t have that weird 3rd ( 4th?) boob going on where your top cuts over the boobs/around your armpits. Ergo, not fat.

  38. Alright, fine, I’ll have sex with you so that you’ll KNOW that I don’t think you’re fat. God, you’re such an arm twister.

  39. That is a cool wig. You’ve probably heard this before, but I bet it smells excellent. Do you put anything on it? If so, I’d like to see a video of that. You don’t even have to be in it. Just the wig, some product, and maybe a little mood music.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..WWEED: It’s a way of life

  40. 1. The Cap’t and crew should get mouse skull necklaces then they could pretend to be pirates.
    2. You don’t look the least bit fat.
    3. I truly hope you sing “I don’t climb trees, I climb buoys motherfuckers” while you’re on the boat. And wear your pashmina afghan.

    Deidre’s last blog post..Me!me!

  41. YEEEAH.
    So, you are totally giving ME that sensation that everyone claims to get FROM me, namely omg how old are you again?

    I got carded for a R-rated movie in late 2006. I was 27 at the time. In early 2007, walking my stepkids around the store, someone asked *all three of us* which grades we’d be in next year. (Mid 2007 I got pregnant and people stopped assuming I was in highschool).

    Anyhow yep, I assumed you’d be all deep and throaty for some reason, I have NO good reason to have thought that. So, weird.

    Also, if you are fat, I am elephantine. Well actually, I’m 5 1/2 months pregnant so I am currently headed in that direction. But in other words, no. You look slimmer in person here than your photo looks on good mom/bad mom. And that’s good, don’t go freaking out about the photo on GMBM.

    Also also, do you have a better “about me” page than the one linked above, because that contains exactly zero information about you.

    Della’s last blog post..What’s up. (Catherine made me do it, part 2)

  42. You know what’s weird? Your girl little voice. That’s weirder than any color coordinated shit or beavers or mouse heads or whatever. Also, what’s weird: my Jewish friends totally didn’t think the jokes about the cat holocaust were funny. I was like, “Make like the Pope and get over it, y’all.” And they were like, “Oh, you’re an anti-semitie.” Which I’m not. I mean, my favorite book is Exodus. (Not the Bible, the one about Israel that Paul Newman starred in) (That movie was racist. All the Jews were Italian.) The point is… your voice freaked me out.

  43. This is really weird but you so totally sound like a girl that used to work in HR at my company…but you can’t be the same person because I’m pretty sure she was taller…and not blue…and a republican.

    Lisa’s last blog post..Videos galore…

  44. Also, I was actually really suprised how pretty you looked. Very thin. Blue flatters your face more than reality.

  46. Dammit, Bloggess! Why’d you have to go and post videos of yourself and get me loving you even more, cause you’re so completely f&#@*ng hot, and making it so I’ll be all leaving my wife and coming and camping out on your lawn and totally stalking you (in that good way, of course). I mean, some of that will be great, like the being able to actually see your boob through the window, but still, leaving my wife and family? That sucks.
    Great job, Bluey.

  49. I know this will come across way creepier than I intend, but I super ::heart:: you and think we should be BFFs. That’s totally normal, right? Well, at least more normal than having a beaver tail surrounded my rodent heads, so maybe we’re even now?

    PS: You have now inspired me to color-code all my books. Does that work just as well for The Cat In The Hat and Backyardigans books?

  50. i don’t know what you are talking about. you looked perfect – blue, wig, & all. i have to agree though that you sound different than i imagined. prolly cuz i thought you would sound as raucous as i do! LOL

    you should have posted the version with your boob falling out so you could say you had wardrobe malfunction. it would totally boost your reader base. plus you’re way cooler than janet jackson.

    uthostage’s last blog post..i guess the simple questions can be the biggest stumpers

  51. Love your vlog. I think you should turn your advice column into a vlog and have people ask their questions on camera and you answer them on camera. Everyone blue.

    Shana’s last blog post..not dead…

  53. Oh fuck you.
    Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you , fuck you.
    You are too fucking wonderful.
    Victor is the luckiest man alive.
    And I hope he knows that.
    You’re so not fat.
    Thank god for minds like yours.

    Sharkey!’s last blog post..Hardcore

  54. Yeah, I didn’t think you would sound like that either. You sound so cute. Not that I thought you WOULDN’T sound cute. 😉

    Not fat at all. At. All. The camera doesn’t add 10 pounds. At. All. If anything, it takes AWAY 10 pounds. How many cameras are on you, anyway?!

    The color-coded books, the mouse skulls…I’m slightly concerned for Hailey.

    carpeviam’s last blog post..Cuz, I’m all Betty Crocker like that.

  57. So, in case you were wondering, just as I was thinking “Oh my GOD, that is NOT AT ALL what I thought she’d sound like”, you totally said that exact thing, which freaked me out. But your real-actual-not-in-my-head-voice is kind of precious, sort of like a baby chipmunk mixed with someone who talks about vagina mints and clown porn and lions being nature’s assholes or something.

    P.S. Your confidence wig matches your voice. You should make it your actual hair.

    Abby’s last blog post..She’s baaaaaaaa-aaaaack!

  61. I too now have a confidence wig. Okay, confidence hairpiece. Confidence toupee? Whatever. It’s awesome, and I just made a post about it over on my own blog where I talk about how awesome it is, only I think most people are confused and taking my tone as being sad/bitter and not “OMG THIS IS FREAKING AWESOME”. I obviously did not use enough smiley faces when talking about my confidence wig/hairpiece/toupee. Fuck you, internet. Fuck you.

    Chloe’s last blog post..There Once Was a Chloe With No Hair.

  62. Did you think you were being invited aboard to be entrepreneurial and talk to important people about your seaman hooker business? Or did you think you were being invited aboard to BE your seaman hooker business? Either way, there’s a lot of money in blonde, wiggy or not, and I think you’re nowhere near fat and also are totally hot and could totally earn some book writin’ cash out at sea.

    Also, have you ever seen this? Sperm whales totally destroy giant squid. And if you wear your dinosaur mask, you could take them both on.

    emvandee’s last blog post..I worked from home today, and in the process of being VERY PRODUCTIVE, I remembered that about two weeks ago, Heather asked how to make spaghetti carbonara, and I totally lied and said, “Coming right up!” and then failed to deliver. Well, here it is, Heather. YOU’RE WELCOME.

  65. I’m sure enough people have already said it – but you are totally not fat. You don’t even have any arm jiggle!

    And you speak just as well as you write, which is maddeningly awesome.

    Melissa’s last blog post..An Absence Explained

  66. You totally sound like Britney Spears!! Which had me very freaked out for a bit. But then you are AWESOME, so I got over it. Still a bit weird though. Totally thought you had a deeper voice….

  67. i can’t see the videos. probably censured by the turkish goverment. we don’t have youtube here ya know. not allowed. closed access by court order. i’ll go play with my dns adjustments and see whether i can see. dammit.

    Zeynep’s last blog post..Domesticide Pesticide

  68. Fat? No. Hell, no! Stunning, as always.

    However, blue makes you look like you need oxygen.

  70. I love you people. Like, a lot. Also, that thing behind me is not a bear. It’s a giant T-Rex head that I wear when I write. And yes, I do realize that’s not normal but it is very conducive to writing and I highly recommend it.

  71. So you’re totally not even remotely fat. You are, as so many have said, adorable.

    Aaaaaaand. I also color coordinate my books. And people are always on my case about it. But it looks awesome and I can always find what I want. So screw all those weird people who organize by alphabet and genre. Losers.

  74. I will have to listen to the rest later because I’m at work and my earphones aren’t working but I swear to GOD you look and sound like Britney, except funny and awsesome. And if you knew me you would know that I mean that only in a great way.

    And excuse me but is that a Blythe doll on the shelf behind you? If so, you rock even more than you already did.

    Maggie’s last blog post..

  76. You are totally not fat. You are totally hot. And awesome. And you sound exactly like I thought you would because I watch you from a tree outside your window am really good at guessing how people sound.

    Nena’s last blog post..Still Here, Still Running.

  78. I totally have a crush on you. There, I said it. Don’t tell my husband. Or yours.

    Also, watching you talk about sea hookers made me drunk.

  81. So I was with the rest of the crew here that thought your voice would be deep and throaty (not because I think you can deepthroat, and not because I think you can’t either – just because). You do sound like Britney Spears, but you’re way cuter than she is and the fact that you can put more than three words together to make a legitimate sentence and you don’t end it with “y’all” makes you like a thousand times better than Britney. Can you sing? If so, I bet you could get a gig going as the singing Captain Hookers. Then you could work on that whole deepthroat thing if you wanted… Oh, and blue people rock.

  82. At first I thought ‘Hmm, a Smurf with a Confidence wig’ but when you started talking about Captain Hookers I thought ‘OMG, she’s making a blue movie!’

    You are not fat and even more wonderful than I thought!

  83. I got my confidence wig at Frankel’s Costume shop. I think it was the Dukes of Hazzard line. I am totally not kidding.

    Also, yes. Those are two Blythe dolls behind me. They are creepy and also awesome.

  84. Oh, Jenny, just when I thought I couldn’t love you more. The voice. Adorable. Totally not what I pictured in my head, BUT, I (used to) get that all the time too. I think people expect me to sound like Patty and Selma (Marge’s sisters on the simpsons). Come to think of it, that’s what I always imagined your voice to be. And here we are with our sweet, feminine, maternal voices. HAHAHAHA.

    Type (little) a’s last blog post..Anti-Climax

  85. Its refreshing to hear that there is someone else out there who is terrified of the ocean. I’m positive that there are man eating creatures or at the very least dead bodies just floating around in the water ready to bite off my toes as soon as I jump in. I’m getting seasick just thinking about it.

    Candice’s last blog post..Let’s Do This

  89. Okay, a few important notes:
    1) You’re very not fat.
    2) My speakers aren’t equipped with Bloggess-Boost, or whatever would be required to be able to hear and thus follow everything you were saying, but even though I wasn’t able to get meaning out of all of your words in the order they were spoken, all the words I heard told me that even if you WERE fat, you would still be pretty hot.
    3) I never thought of color-coding books before, but it makes as much sense as most other sorting systems, so I think I just might try it with the kids books.
    4) I don’t get why the blue skin/crazy colors thing, but it still works. Now I want to drop so many Arrested Development Blue-Man-Group-Tobias quotes that I’d get banned from the site for irritating people. So I just won’t make any.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..I’ll just say I’m not home right now

  92. Fat? Pah! You look great. Even when blue. You do sound totally different than I’d imagined though, thought you’d have a Texan drawl, a deeper voice & talk a lot slower. If you’re worried about the giant squid, I hear they’re allergic to giraffe piss, so hopefully you’ve still got some of that left. And I hadn’t even noticed the colour-coded books!

    Drolgerg’s last blog post..The Twitter Drinking Song

  95. OMG….you are hillarious. I think the edible tats are fabulous, who doesn’t want to go around licking themselves, however they might entice giant squid. And NO your totally not fat.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Crisps Anyone?

  96. First: My books are organized by height, so I would never judge a color-coordinator.
    Second: You sound like Pamela Anderson.
    Third: You talk fast like a Yankee, like me. And we are both in Texas, and people just assume because we are in Texas that we are Texans, and that we will talk sloooooowwwww, with a drawl, oh, and wear cowboy boots, carry a gun, and ride a horse to work. Pffft.

    Danielle-lee’s last blog post..The day I pissed off another religion

  98. Omg, sorry but i did not expect you to sound like that!! It sounded so wierd!! You did sound a bit like Britiany Spears!!

    Anyway you look amazing, and you totally pull off the blue smurf look totally retro =]
    And im glad some one else has a extreme bad fear of water, though mine’s more like the boat im on either gonna hit an iceberg and sink ( thank you titantic) or get sucked into a whirlpool.

  99. I don’t usually comment b/c you always have so many and really, how many can you actually read? See? I’m looking out for YOU! I read you from my reader, laugh my ass off and move on. I felt that I had to come here to tell you that you are wonderful, talented, gorgeous and hilarious. Plus, I couldn’t see the vids from my reader.
    Just kidding. XOXO

    Peggy’s last blog post..Patrick Swayze

  100. First, repeating my Twitter reply: @TheBloggess You’re vlogs are like a psychedelic, meth-induced hallucination of @iJustine. Except Justine knows who Woz and Scobble are.

    Other than that…

    – You’re gorgeous and always have been.
    – I think the voice thing means that you’re physically smaller (opposite of big & fat) than what photos show.
    – Your tone and delivery makes what you write sound more authentic and honestly said.
    – We would still love you without the wig.
    – I’m a Conservative Republican and I still adore you.

    @WazNeeni’s last blog post..Arrogant Dickhead

  101. Ohmygod you sound like kelly from the office. Like if they did one of those digital voice comparison things like they do in spy movies, yours would like up 100 percent.

  102. Love your movies. Blue is so slimming.

    If you had to write down their names, they’re really not that famous. Even that guy who invented teh internets.

    Chuck, I wish I could lip-read! You go really whispery sometimes and sexy though it is, I can’t make out a frikkin word.

    Your train of thought pulled out of town a long time ago. Don’t worry about it.

    50/50 chance of a Transformer hitting your boat? More like 30/70, you’ll be fine.

    Unless you’re molested by a giant squid.

    Watch that Debbie Gibson DVD to take your mind off things while you’re on the flying bus.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..The Hymen Manoeuvre

  103. Well you can count me in the group that didn’t expect your real voice to sound so…sweet and innocent! Which we all know you’re really not because innocent people don’t blog about clown porn and Jesus not caring about what people do with sperm. Honestly. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

    Seriously, you sound completely different in my head.

    Do people that have read your blog and then meet you in person, ever not believe that you’re really THE Bloggess?

    LB’s last blog post..This is probably why I should have been an only child.

  105. those Blythe dolls are creeping me out. dolls in general really, it’s like they have the souls of midgets stuck in them and they are awaiting to seek their revenge while you sleep. or something along the lines of puppet master. WTF is UP dolls anyway? ok, the new york dolls were cool, i’ll give you that, but no more!
    what the hell was all this about? oh shit, i remember!
    your a skinny wench, so shut up about the fat and go have a cocktail.

    and keep your eyes open while you sleep. apparently there’s a man in your tree/yard stalking you and you have possessed demon dolls in your house. (maybe it’s the mouse head necklace?)

  106. I totally just burned my pasta because I was watching the vids and forgot I was cooking dinner. So, yeah, I go into the kitchen to find my pasta stuck to the bottom of my … wait for it … NON-STICK pan. I shit you not and I’m not even blonde.

    Anyway, I don’t think your fat and there’s nothing wrong with organizing your books by color, size (my preferred OCD method), author or subject matter. They’re your books you can sort ’em however you want to.

    P.S. I heard the other day that the Transformers were making another movie, so you should be OK because they’ll be on set somewhere in Hollyweird and nowhere near that boat, ship, yacht, cruiser . . . thingy. 😉

  108. I lol’d at prioritizing judgment…

    your to precious…

    oh and I co-sign this statement by Peggy:

    “I felt that I had to come here to tell you that you are wonderful, talented, gorgeous and hilarious.”

    *goes back to cave*

  110. Just picture the squids as Squidward from Spongebob. Sorry Squidward is an asshole so just punch them in the head and you will be just fine. Good luck!!!!!!!

  111. Oh and I forgot, My son likes the bumble bee transformer and I think he is a good one so he will protect you. I have not actually seen the movie but bad guys can protect you too. That makes no freakin sense at all so I will leave you alone now. Bye

  113. I don’t think you actually sound like that. I was watching a video of you with Hailey on Good Mom, Bad Mom and you don’t sound the same at all. 😛 Nice try smurfette. I think you’re just pretending so we’ll think you’re all sweet and innocent.

  114. And yes I totally am your stalker. Thank you for asking.

  115. I think the biggest issue here is that no-one knows how to enploy the letter “u” … colour, y’all. oh and jenny, shush, you’re so hot.

  117. Aww, I agree with William there. But…it will probably result in one or two new posts if you do watch the video. It’s for a legit movie coming out next year (I think). It’s actually why I was going to comment. Anyway, “If you’re going to judge me, maybe you should prioritize.” Hilarious! You always make me laugh, and always in a good way! Thanks for being my favorite person to listen to.

  119. I knew that sense of humor wasn’t “normal” but I had no idea you were related to the Blue People of Kentucky. Twisted? Yes. Fuckin hilarious? Yes. Blonde? Apparently sometimes. Inbred? I had no idea. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, obviously you know NOTHING. Just google Blue People, or Methemoglobinemia. It’s either that, or you ate one of those psychedelic jaw breakers from Willy Wonka. That’s my differential diagnosis. And yes, I’m a doctor.

    Laurie’s last blog post..Sand, Pasta, and Glue Arts & Crafts Projects

  121. Loved the post — it was awesome. Sounds like most people just wanted to hear what you sounded like. I totally learned that bloggess is pronounced blogg-ess’ and not blogg’-ess like I always say it when I tell every fucking person I meet about your blog. So if you meet Oklahoman’s who annihilate your name, sorry that was me 🙁

  122. OMG! I would so totally do you. You are Very Sexy and I love your voice. One of your co-blogger’s on the trip is Neptunus Lex. He is a retired Navy Captain and F-18 pilot. Stick close to him and he can answer all of your questions as he has been on several aircraft carriers.

    The Navy has been “DRY” since the 20’s, only medicinal alcohol is allowed on board. The C-2 Greyhound is a small cargo plane that they use to bring the mail and spare parts on board the SHIP while under weigh. The only “BOATS” in the Navy are Submarines and the little boats that you can carry on ships like the Captain’s Gig and Motor Whaleboats.

    YOU ARE NOT fat

  123. Holy Crap! Yeah. Totally NOT what I thought you’d sound like. You seem so sweet and nice on your video, like there’s no way THAT blue girl with the blonde wig could POSSIBLY write all the stuff you write! 🙂
    And wow…you’re blue. Does this have to do with more Mac experiments?
    The whole thing reminds me of a Charles Schwab commercial.

    sabrina’s last blog post..I don’t get it

  124. I totally eff-ing adore you. Not in a creepy way! But in a don’t-worry-I-organize-things-in-ways-most-people-don’t-understand-too sort of way! Also, your hair is fabbity fab and you don’t look fat at all!

  125. OK, I have to admit something. The first time I watched this the sound was off because I thought my husband would look down on me for going on some crazy website instead of working. Also, he was watching our kid and he might wonder: why am I doing this to help her work when she is obviously goofing off.

    But I thought I would just tell you you didn’t look fat (which you really do not, by the way).

    Now he’s watching our kid at the PARK (so I can work…yeah…no, I’m going to…I really am working) and I get to watch this with the sound on.

    This is totally charming. And hilarious. Oh my God I think I’m in love with you. Maybe I have some kind of thing for blue women that I never realized or something. Your asides just get me–like the “Really, I’m on all kinds of medication.” “Xanax works as a cocktail for me.” I think you need your own TV show like, STAT.

  126. You’re smart to fear giant squids. I think they secret a paralyzing poison, so you are powerless to move but completely aware while they eat you alive. But remember, the real threat comes from dolphins, rapists of the deep. Those mammal-fuckers are relentless!

    Cat Lincoln’s last blog post..The Best Way to Spend a Sunny Friday

  128. Isn’t a Greyhound a bus? Or maybe I’m just too busy watching Law & Order to realize what giant leaps of progress are being made. CAN BUSES FLY NOW???!!! If they do, you should totally go. Otherwise….those snack tats can only last for so long.
    (And now that I think about it, “SnackTats!” is a really catchy name and could be found in Aisle 1 next to the Fruit Roll-Ups.)

  129. I guess no one else stalks you as much as I do, because from your other youtube videos I ALREADY totally knew how cute and adorable your voice is.

    “Well…shit.” re: no booze. Seriously. That is a travesty. You can totally sell me some Xanax anytime. Wait — do the coppers read you blog? Could I get arrested OVER THE INTERNET?

    Everyone already said it but you’re ridiculously adorable, you must know that.

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  132. Huh.

    At least now I know to turn the sound off when I watch your videos.

    And keep lots of lotion handy.

    Blue chicks are hot. Thanks a lot. Now I’ll have to buy my therapist another mercedes.

  133. I watched this video, laughing my butt off. I thought you were making fun of this chick. Then I realized the chick in the video is YOU, and your ditz act isn’t an act.

    You were funnier when I thought it was all an act.

  135. You definitely don’t look fat, and I think every fat chick reading your blog right now hates you for thinking you might look fat. But I love that about you. So keep up the good work.

    Also, I think you should have your voice surgically lowered because I’m totally freaking out right now. I imagined you sounding more like Rosanne Bar, you know like a raspy almost annoyingly pitchy voice, but now my bubble is totally burst because you sound all cute and sorority-like, and I’m in a state of shock right now.

    Please have Nancy send me M&M’s. I think I deserve them right now.

    SassyTwoSocks’s last blog post..Naw’lins, you don’t know what’s comin’….

  136. Holy Shit…………no seriously!

    Ok, so you are NOT fat, but soooo younger than I was thinking. But thats ok……………….although the whole “lick ’em, stick ’em” thing had me a bit confused, PLUS you threw the whole Captain thing in also!

    Very funny, thanks for a laugh!

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  138. “I had to reshoot this twice because my boob fell out.” ??????????
    Given your multi-talented rainbow emanating breasts, wouldn’t that be more of a feature than a bug?

    Oh, and by the way, why didn’t you tell us you were like FIFTEEN YEARS OLD?
    And anyway, even if you have some fat, it is just baby fat and you will lose it when you HIT PUBERTY. But with the whole 15 thing maybe you shouldn’t show the good video because I would watch it an’ then feel like I was a pedophile.

    PS How long have you been a teenage mother?

  139. (regarding the comment of the day): which is precisely why i have so much love for kelly from the office. because of you.

    of course, i have to confess to having not, in fact, watched the videos in this post. i just know your voice. from listening to the recordings on my voice mail from you endlessly, on repeat, and then not deleting, just saving them and listening to them again, later, over and over, because it’s the only way i can pretend now that you still love me and think i’m nice and actually remember who the fuck i am even though you probably don’t because i don’t ever visit the internet anymore and have tried to pretend i don’t know what an internet is when people ask me why i’ve quit blogging and then i start rambling about space exploration and it all goes rather wobbly from there but at least i don’t have to acknowledge, even to myself, that we used to be friends a long, long time ago and can just pretend i spent an enormous amount of time in out-of-body world travel, which, now that i think about it, was pretty awesome and i would possibly like to consider doing again sometime.

    just not sure when.

    and, i miss you. and your three breasts/mad cleavage.

    the end.

    lildb’s last blog post..not to be read if you possess a blueprint for enjoying your life.

  141. I LOOOOOVVVEEE your voice! I love that it totally throws you off. I was one of those people who heard you speak and was all, “I didn’t picture your voice sounding like this!” These videos are freakin’ hilarious! That’s why I love you! I wish I knew you in person. Maybe one day we’ll finally meet for lunch or drinks.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Toilet Eye (aka gangrene eye)

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  146. 1) you look fabulous, and your voice is amazingly cute
    2) it’s not crazy to color code. i’m obsessed with alphabet order, but my cousin color codes her books and they look beautiful that way
    3) i love that you have a beaver tail in a jar

  147. I always read your blogs in a deep, fast voice. Like, super powerful woman of power and stuff. After those videos, it’s in more of a squirrel voice… As in a timid fluffy thing with ADD. Totally more accurate.

    Seriously though, you are so awesome :3

  148. Colour coding books might look pretty cool actually. Even better if they are in a rainbow pattern.
    But when does it stop? When does it go too far? Would I then grade them according to preference, ranking them 1-5 stars? Then in sub-categories, alphabetical by author, subject and then height?
    I’m already exhausted.
    I guess I’ll just leave them in piles on the floor separating those from ‘read’ and ‘un-read’.

  149. Were you thinking about cheese because your boob fell out? Cos that’s the kind of random associations my mind makes all the time but I sometimes forget to fill in the blanks for people. The association being BOOB=milk=cow=grass=greentop milk=trim milk=less fat content=what do they do with the fat they take out?=they probably make CHEESE, in case you didn’t get that.

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This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
Advice from Dorothy Barker: Go outside and find the sunset. Touch the grass. Bark at squirrels. Pee aggressively while staring at the neighbors. Eat a bug. The usual.
Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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