I’m not pregnant.

Argument I just had with my husband:

Victor:  We should have another baby.

Me:  TOTALLY!  And then we can tattoo it.

Victor:  Um…what?

Me:  We could get it a tattoo of fang marks on its neck, like it’s been bitten by a vampire and is now a baby vampire.  That would be awesome.

Victor:  That’s..totally inappropriate.


Victor:  No.

Me:  Dude, vampires are *huge* right now.

Victor:  What is wrong with you?

Me:  Oh!  Or racing stripes.  But babies are really slow so we’d also have to tattoo “THESE ARE IRONIC RACING STRIPES” on him so people wouldn’t make fun of him.

Victor:  That’s completely ridiculous.  How about if we just tattoo a giant turtle’s shell across the baby’s entire back?

Me: What?! That’s ridiculous. Why a turtle shell?

Victor:  Because babies are slow.  And they crawl just like turtles.  And people love turtles.

Me:  People run over turtles. With their cars.

Victor:  Not in your damn house they don’t. Were you planning on leaving our baby out in the middle of the street?!

Me:  Well not the one tattooed as a turtle, obviously.

Victor:  ?

Me:  Actually, probably not the one tattooed as a vampire either because then people would assume it was immortal and they wouldn’t bother to swerve.

Victor:  Wow.

Me:  Yeah.

Victor:  You know, we probably shouldn’t have another baby.

Me:  No.  Probably not.

Comment of the day: I think you should tattoo “Mom” on it. That way, even if it hates you, it’ll still look like it loves you. Just try to rebel with THAT tattoo, asshole!  (I mean the baby is an asshole, not you.) ~ Just A Girl

124 thoughts on “I’m not pregnant.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. If you tattooed the baby while it was a baby then it wouldn’t remember how much it hurt…i wish my parents would have had the kind of consideration for me. I don’t remember my polio shot and i’m not upset about it…

    also, i find it very disheartening that you don’t have your own wikipedia page…you should get on that.

  2. If your going to spend the time & money on tattooing, don’t forget piercing too! Maybe a double lip ring so the baby can’t cry that loud? Hmmm, maybe I should try that with our teenagers so they can’t talk back…
    .-= Charl Pearce´s last blog ..Leather Legs… =-.

  3. You could always tattoo the baby with a dragon like Dad. Then they could be twins.

  4. Im putting you up on my page for the rainy days.
    Plus dont follow the pack – vampires are for wannabes.

  5. This is an exceedingly silly post, but one that made me giggle.

    I don’t think a turtle shell across the baby’s back would work, because what if he/she joined track one day? I don’t think it would be very encouraging to try to out-sprint other people while masquerading as a turtle.

    Maybe you can tattoo little flames on the baby’s feet to inspire greatness? Kids love flames.
    .-= Parsing Nonsense´s last blog ..Never Intended For Mass Production =-.

  6. Vampires NEVER go out of style! You’re on to a winner there.

    But seriously though, don’t you have RA? That would seriously be the suck to be pregnant. Mean no sense of humour OBs make you stop taking anything of any use for pain when you’re knocked up. Unless tylenol PM counts and in my book it sure as shit doesn’t.

    So no more Judy Garland trailmix for a while. I should know, I am currently living the clean and sober dream of a knocked up girl with chronic pain. I smell like I’ve bathed in tiger balm most of the time. It is SOOOO HOT, my husband said if he hadn’t already knocked me up he’d get right to it!

    Does Victor have a dragon tattoo? Here is a picture that could be your future…..

  7. Why not just tattoo yourself with stretch marks and save the cost of raising another kid?

  8. I once suggested (incredibly too loud while sitting in CHURCH) that I should pierce my babies nipple with a ring so I could connect the paci string thingy to it. Personally i thought it was brilliant.

    The church elders did not.
    And ask me to watch ‘my language’.

    Like they never said NIPPLE before. Jeez.
    .-= The Glamorous Life´s last blog ..Somewhere in the middle is the girlfriend. =-.

  9. A baby?! Have you even thought about, oh, I don’t know, maybe tattooing the kid you already have?! Poor unloved little thing… (If you have already filled that palette from head to toe with permanent ink, I retract my insult).

  10. How about a vampire turtle? With racing stripes. They wouldn’t even need to be ironic racing stripes since vampire turtles are probably pretty fast.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..Equal Time =-.

  11. The racing stripes are so totally cool. Then when the baby grows up the racing stripes will turn into pin stripes and….wait…didn’t you maybe almost swallow pins once?……………nevermind.
    .-= Alfred´s last blog ..This is why I LOVE Twitter!! =-.

  12. i don’t even know what to say… the whole turtle baby thing is basically going to force him or her to rebel and start skateboarding in the sewers and fighting ninjas with a giant rat.
    .-= sour´s last blog ..lunges? really? =-.

  13. If I ever have a baby, I’m going to teach it to do jazz hands while tap-dancing. This will strictly be for all the free dinners I can get by by trading a jazz hands/tap dance baby show for eats.

    Actually, if I ever have a baby, I’ll probably be busy on the talk show circuit as the first man ever to have a baby.

    Can you just rent talented babies?
    .-= Tim´s last blog ..I’m not Benny’s mascot of the week!! =-.

  14. I’m pretty sure you just undid all of your work on getting people under 30 to not have sex, since no sex = no babies, and no babies = no tattooed babies. Way to start another baby boom.

  15. Greetings Bloggess Goddess!!!!
    I’m new to your blog and I absolutely adore you already!
    Seriously, have a baby call it Wolfgang (boy or girl doesn’t matter) and give it tattoo fangs BUT don’t make it a vampire yet. Obviously you don’t want your baby to be a vampire baby for forever! Duh!
    Any kid named Wolfgang with vampire fangs on the neck will be protected for life. No bully will mess with Wolfy for the following reasons:
    1. No one messes with a kid named Wolfgang
    2. No one messes with a kid that will someday become a bad ass vampire and come back to haunt any kid or teacher from school that picked on him/her.
    3. Vampires live forever – it NEVER goes out of style. EVER. Like forever.
    4. You have a kewl Vampire auntie (ME) named Lori Jean (Red by nickname). How much more support could this kid have?
    *sigh* if only I’d had a kewl Vampire mom and aunt to guide me on my Vampire path……

  16. Sometimes I wonder about Victor. I mean, he’s lived with you for several years now, and I’m thinking that most of your conversations go this way. Next time he should just bring it up when you’ve got the ball gag in, and can’t respond.

  17. Don’t tattoo your baby. When he gets older and grows, his tattoos will stretch like the ones women get on their bellies and then they get pregnant and it stretches and they end up with some weird shape. And eventually they hate their kid because they’re tired of explaining how their butterfly now looks like a turd with wings. So if you must tattoo something, get his eyes done because I read somewhere that your eyes stay the same size from birth until you are grown. I’m just trying to save your future kid from being made fun of for a turd tattoo on his arm. I mean they would never make fun of his eyes because he would look like Lucifer and who fucks with Lucifer? NOBODY. Unless Lucifer has a turd tattoo on his arm. Then its game on.
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..You’re a Dog Murderer =-.

  18. Definitely tat a lightning bolt on the head. Harry Potter is here to stay bitchezz!

    Or maybe tat an image of Jesus. Everytime he pops up people flock to the town or eBay potato chips and grilled cheeses and shit. Imagine how much people would pay you to get a glimpse of that image on your fetus!!
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Pissed Off The Tooth Fairy … Literally =-.

  19. But seriously, my husband and I had a similar fight but it came down to whether it is legal to tattoo a kid? I was totally going to look it up, and then I forgot. I bet its crossed Octomom’s mind too. If she just tattoos their names on their foreheads, then she solves a lot of problems for herself and the rest of us. Its the logical and unselfish thing to do, and you know, that’s they way she rolls.
    .-= Love Note´s last blog ..This is the part where I try to be positive =-.

  20. How about instead of tattoos you go for scarification instead. Carve a 666 into his forehead and splash a little blood on his hands (where you get the blood is up to you of course). People will definitely not run over it because folks talk big shit about the devil, but who’d have the balls to take him on, even in a car, you know? And you’ll be famous for birthing the reincarnation of Satan. But protect that baby with all your might because eventually the Republicans will come and try to steal it so that they can raise him to one day take on Messiah Obama and there will be another world war and your baby will be like Hitler, only worse. So don’t let the republicans get your baby.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..Look: I’m not Suzy Homemaker, people. =-.

  21. Hmm. Seems like the longevity of any one idea is questionable. What if you just dip-dyed him/her like an Easter egg every once in a while? Yeah, fill up the bathtub with different colors and tie-dye him/her … with clothes on! Rawkin’ as it requires less thought on accessorizing. Plus the different colors for different seasons … It’s GOLD, Jerry. Gold!
    .-= Ed´s last blog ..That Which Doesn’t Make You Stronger. =-.

  22. I was married three times and never had such an interesting conversation with one of those bastards. But then I never wanted to have a baby period, let alone with one of those bastards.

    I do think tattooing a baby is a great idea. Why not tattoo your address and phone number on the baby so when it gets lost from wandering in the street anyone who finds it, hopefully after swerving to miss hitting it, will be able to return it to it’s rightful parents.
    .-= Peggy Pendleton´s last blog ..Tweeting My Life Away =-.

  23. WOW ! ! ! You had me laughing OUT LOUD at work… people were looking at me like I was cRaZy…. Here’s an idea that would really turn Victor on…. YOU get a tatoo! ! ! Ready,,, you could get a M on one cheek of your behind and a M on the other cheek of your behind… and when you bend over to do the laundry(?) it would say MOM… and when Victory puts your ankles behind your ears – it would say WOW

    Just sayin….

  24. I think you should tattoo Vulcan ears on Hailey. I mean, heck, she could even make *those* look adorable, and besides you wouldn’t have to go through the whole pregnancy thing.

    Or else you make *Victor* have the baby, then auction off naming rights on eBay (to be applied via tattoo.) That way you get the tattoo’d kid, Victor gets the stretch marks, and people can look at the new little one and wonder “WTF!?”

    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Hell’s Kitchen: from Iraq to Ihardplace =-.

  25. Or maybe you just tattoo a mustache on it. Then he can be the first of his friends to buy beer before he turns 21…’cause then he’ll look *mature*
    .-= Lynette´s last blog ..Overheard =-.

  26. What is really great about the discussion between you and Victor is that both of you were able to air issues and opinions that were (and maybe still are) important to you while agreeing on no course of action. You were able to put the whole “i think i want another baby” controversy aside by actually debating the wisdom of infant tatooing. Very clever. In the end nothing is decided, therefore nothing happens, therefore no horrible result, no life long regret, and finally, and most importantly, no body is to blame. Perfect. May you live long and prosper.
    .-= scott tennyson´s last blog ..Journeys of the Mind from the Arizona desert to the beaches of Southern California =-.

  27. Shit I totally just got busted at work for laughing out loud…..now I have to lie about what I was doing………. if I get fired you and your vampire/turtle baby are going to get stabbed!

  28. Ridiculous. Vampires are not tramp stamps, and turtles carry disease. Babies grow to be adults who will change your diapers when you’re senile. Or maybe not, but you probably won’t care. Get knocked up!
    .-= heather´s last blog ..Day 17, Pina Colada =-.

  29. Tattooing babies is just stupid.

    Wait ’til they’re a little older and then do some serious surgical modifications like pointed ears and hairy feet.

    Every fucking body loves hobbits.
    . . . they age well too. And you save a lot on unneeded extras like shoes and name Brand clothing.
    It’s Win-win-win. Or Win-win. Or Win—–hobbits don’t care what you call ’em.

  30. You could tattoo the baby, hang him from the sign on the median in a baby carrier, and that would would solve the entire problem.

  31. Tatoo the baby with the vampire tooth marks, and then make sure you give the baby gloves made out of kittens, and then tatoo it’s forehead with a disclaimer saying, “William Shatner did this to me.” Then send a picture of the whole thing to Jerry Springer and tell them all how you saved this poor child from William Shatner’s evil revenge plot against you in the nick of time. MSNBC and CNN will pick up the story this time! 😉
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..I’m Screwed Because God Is A Shat-fan =-.

  32. Thank you for this post. It made my day. I think unless it was the most epic tattoo ever your kid would probably hate you for it later in life though… and even if it were the most epic tattoo ever, there’s probably a good chance they’d still hate it.
    .-= Grizzly Kitteh´s last blog ..THIS ONE!!! =-.

  33. Please, never stop writing!

    ps – i was a little gun-shy about leaving a comment… but you are just too awesome and you need to be told. often.

  34. OMG i just peed in my pants a little bit!
    I think you should do tiger stripes…becuase tigers are the bomb. Then for it’s first halloween you could dress it up like a lion and it would be a liger. so awesome!

    love your blog!! It makes my day every time i read!!
    .-= Lauren G.´s last blog ..Marlowe Mondays ~ week 4 =-.

  35. Tim,

    I’ll rent you my baby, he comes with jazz hands. I need a nap.

    Love, The Tiredgess

  36. Wow. The whole post was so far out in left field. I read it while I was home for lunch, and kept snickering so hard on the way back to work that I almost got in an accident. And my coworkers looked at me funny when I got there.
    I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to be friends with you. I’d either have the best abs in the world from laughing my ass off at you, or totally confused because everything you say seems completely misconnected with reality. (Not disconnected. Just connected in a manner that is 90 degrees away from where the rest of the world is.)
    I still feel compelled to point out that you should not leave racing-stripes baby in the road, either. People wouldn’t see the “ironic racing stripes” part right away, so they’d probably assume he could get out of the way and run over the poor tyke before they realized their mistake.

  37. I think getting the tattoos handled right up front saves you a lot of time when (s)he is a teen and wants to rebel. What are they gonna do? Bake cakes? You’ll sweep the badass right out of them.

  38. Hay-sus fucking Christo…
    Just get pregnant and then we can figure out all these details later. I mean, it’s really preg-tarded to limit yourself and your baby before the vamp-by is here. So….first is to get knocked up. Need instructions? I might be able to help. Second is to beg for names from your fans, like Janah ( IDK who she is, but she might rock it all night long), or Blog-a-licious because anyname with -licious at the end probably rocks.
    I really can’t help you in the Vamp[ire] department because I don’t fucking read anything that isn’t dirty trash or complete fake gossip. So a real book would probably make my eyes bleed. And then I wouldn’t be able to see that you named your next Bebe after me!
    So just do it. Don’t piss me off and make me crawl to Mexico to figure out a creative- in- a- drunken- stupor-name for what your cute little gremlin should be named…or else we will all call her/him Gremlin.

    Or Janah…that’s a great name fr a girl.
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..It’s like having a booger in your nose and no one tells you. =-.

  39. The really sad thing about this is that two assshats where actually just arrested for attempting something this awesome. I mean seriously why do we keep locking up all the progressive free thinkers of these here United States.

    “Two fathers (Enrique Gonzalez, 26, in Fresno, Calif., in April and Eugene Ashley, 24, in Floyd County, Ga., in May) were charged with forcibly tattooing their young sons. Gonzalez allegedly held down his 7-year-old while a tattooist inked a gang symbol, and Ashley allegedly inked “DB” (for Daddy’s Boy) personally on his 3-year-old’s shoulder. ”
    -Fresno Bee-AP, 4-22-09] [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 5-26-09]

    Also, I am fairly certain that the “DB” tattoo migh actually stand for Douche Bag, just a thought.

  40. You don’t need to have a baby. It just so happens I breed baby vampire turtle hybrids. And, we’re having a sale this week. End of Season Clearance. The new fall models are incubating as we speak. Come down to Crazy Mayo’s where our prices on vampire baby turtles aren’t just good, they’re insane!!!
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..#ba =-.

  41. What about a shark fin on the back? You can have it studded into the back. Apparently inserting permanent diamond studs in the skin is all the rage right now. Right after vampires, obvs. I’d totally get one if I was HALF as badass as your ficticious unborn baby.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..Stop Pitying Me, Trolls!!! =-.

  42. I just told a boring guy that i couldn’t see him anymore after reading that because I realized that we never have conversations like yours that make me laugh until Crystal Light comes out my nose. I want that. Does Victor have brothers?
    .-= TxtingMrDarcy´s last blog ..Here Goes Nothing… =-.

  43. I kinda liked the fang idea, but …. You could suggest to Richard that the baby get a tattoo like the one my 21-y-o son got for mother’s day last year– an actual eye/orbital socket, with an actual heart (ventricles, etc.) and my name, “Eye-Heart-Lesley.” Yikes! After that, the wee fangs would be a shoo-in….

  44. i know this is super old and you wont read this…. but im backlogging becuase i just foudn you and your so funny that i want to read them all. so i read a few pages a day at work.

    all i have to say is “YOU ARE BIRTH CONTROL.” awesome.

  45. This. Is. Gold.
    I’m going to try this the next time my wanna-be-outlaws pester me about popping out little monsters.
    Hope it makes ’em back the fuck off!

  46. I realize there are various really great authors out there, but you really stay ahead of everyone else. I personally needed to tell you just how much I appreciate the information you have in this specific material. Thanks a lot.

    Happy Independence Day sms Advancely

  47. Poor Victor. Going through his entire life with such a lack of vision. Plus? You think he would have learned by now that he just needs to trust you. You KNOW what you’re talking about.

  48. Thank you for this post. It made my day. I think unless it was the most epic tattoo ever your kid would probably hate you for it later in life though… and even if it were the most epic tattoo ever, there’s probably a good chance they’d still hate it.

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