I’m not pregnant.

Argument I just had with my husband:

Victor:  We should have another baby.

Me:  TOTALLY!  And then we can tattoo it.

Victor:  Um…what?

Me:  We could get it a tattoo of fang marks on its neck, like it’s been bitten by a vampire and is now a baby vampire.  That would be awesome.

Victor:  That’s..totally inappropriate.


Victor:  No.

Me:  Dude, vampires are *huge* right now.

Victor:  What is wrong with you?

Me:  Oh!  Or racing stripes.  But babies are really slow so we’d also have to tattoo “THESE ARE IRONIC RACING STRIPES” on him so people wouldn’t make fun of him.

Victor:  That’s completely ridiculous.  How about if we just tattoo a giant turtle’s shell across the baby’s entire back?

Me: What?! That’s ridiculous. Why a turtle shell?

Victor:  Because babies are slow.  And they crawl just like turtles.  And people love turtles.

Me:  People run over turtles. With their cars.

Victor:  Not in your damn house they don’t. Were you planning on leaving our baby out in the middle of the street?!

Me:  Well not the one tattooed as a turtle, obviously.

Victor:  ?

Me:  Actually, probably not the one tattooed as a vampire either because then people would assume it was immortal and they wouldn’t bother to swerve.

Victor:  Wow.

Me:  Yeah.

Victor:  You know, we probably shouldn’t have another baby.

Me:  No.  Probably not.

Comment of the day: I think you should tattoo “Mom” on it. That way, even if it hates you, it’ll still look like it loves you. Just try to rebel with THAT tattoo, asshole!  (I mean the baby is an asshole, not you.) ~ Just A Girl

124 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Do NOT fang-mark your baby. Vampires are the new Beanie Babies. And destined for the same fate…
    .-= TheCottonWife´s last blog ..Early Mornings =-.

  2. If you tattooed the baby while it was a baby then it wouldn’t remember how much it hurt…i wish my parents would have had the kind of consideration for me. I don’t remember my polio shot and i’m not upset about it…

    also, i find it very disheartening that you don’t have your own wikipedia page…you should get on that.

  3. If your going to spend the time & money on tattooing, don’t forget piercing too! Maybe a double lip ring so the baby can’t cry that loud? Hmmm, maybe I should try that with our teenagers so they can’t talk back…
    .-= Charl Pearce´s last blog ..Leather Legs… =-.

  4. You could always tattoo the baby with a dragon like Dad. Then they could be twins.

  5. Im putting you up on my page for the rainy days.
    Plus dont follow the pack – vampires are for wannabes.

  6. that. was. awesome.

  7. Vampires are so 2009.
    .-= JChevais´s last blog ..New Work Monday #29 =-.

  8. Do it! My dog has a tattoo and he’s badass: http://beckymochaface.blogspot.com/2009/08/month-3-day-19.html
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Sports =-.

  9. This is an exceedingly silly post, but one that made me giggle.

    I don’t think a turtle shell across the baby’s back would work, because what if he/she joined track one day? I don’t think it would be very encouraging to try to out-sprint other people while masquerading as a turtle.

    Maybe you can tattoo little flames on the baby’s feet to inspire greatness? Kids love flames.
    .-= Parsing Nonsense´s last blog ..Never Intended For Mass Production =-.

  10. Vampires NEVER go out of style! You’re on to a winner there.

    But seriously though, don’t you have RA? That would seriously be the suck to be pregnant. Mean no sense of humour OBs make you stop taking anything of any use for pain when you’re knocked up. Unless tylenol PM counts and in my book it sure as shit doesn’t.

    So no more Judy Garland trailmix for a while. I should know, I am currently living the clean and sober dream of a knocked up girl with chronic pain. I smell like I’ve bathed in tiger balm most of the time. It is SOOOO HOT, my husband said if he hadn’t already knocked me up he’d get right to it!

    Does Victor have a dragon tattoo? Here is a picture that could be your future…..

  11. Why not just tattoo yourself with stretch marks and save the cost of raising another kid?

  12. Hahahahahahahah!!!! Too funny!! This was just the bit of humor I needed this morning (:
    .-= katelynjane´s last blog ..Monday Laxin’s =-.

  13. I once suggested (incredibly too loud while sitting in CHURCH) that I should pierce my babies nipple with a ring so I could connect the paci string thingy to it. Personally i thought it was brilliant.

    The church elders did not.
    And ask me to watch ‘my language’.

    Like they never said NIPPLE before. Jeez.
    .-= The Glamorous Life´s last blog ..Somewhere in the middle is the girlfriend. =-.

  14. A baby?! Have you even thought about, oh, I don’t know, maybe tattooing the kid you already have?! Poor unloved little thing… (If you have already filled that palette from head to toe with permanent ink, I retract my insult).

  15. A turtle shell? WTF is Victor thinking? I swear, that man ain’t running on all eight cylinders, if you catch my drift.

    A turtle shell. Sheesh.
    .-= Erica ´s last blog ..Tales from the kitchen =-.

  16. Can’t. Get. Image. Tattooed. Turtle. Baby. Outta. Head.
    .-= PracticalParalegalism´s last blog ..Corporette.com for Working Girls: Play the Knockoff Game =-.

  17. Ohhh….and you could get incisor implants, the long pointy kind. He definately would not be bullied in school
    .-= Deb Wilson´s last blog ..School Daze… =-.

  18. I think you should tattoo “Mom” on it. That way, even if it hates you, it’ll still look like it loves you. Just try to rebel with THAT tattoo, asshole! (I mean the baby is an asshole, not you.)
    .-= Just A Girl´s last blog ..Quotes From A Ridiculous Camping Trip =-.

  19. Love it! Such a good idea. Your baby would be famous if it was a vampire baby.. like in Twilight – “Renesme.”
    .-= Shelby´s last blog ..Ask Shelby =-.

  20. Would the racing stripes be blue?
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Duncan. 25. =-.

  21. Baby fangs would rock! Please name him Gossamer!!!

    Look a whole site for “DARKER NAMES SUITABLE FOR GOTHS AND VAMPIRES babies.”.

    .-= peedee´s last blog ..Once a monster always a monster. =-.

  22. Do you carry a voice recorder around with you, or do you rely on a photographic memory? Either way, awesome.

  23. The obvious solution here is twins. Or triplets even!
    Then you can have Vampire Fang, Ironic Racing Stripes and Turtle Shell all at the same time.
    Bonus: You will be able to tell them apart.
    .-= Laurel´s last blog ..MicroFantasy Monday – Hands =-.

  24. I think you should tattoo #unblockthebloggess on it then mail it to William Shatner.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Vacationland =-.

  25. Not ALL babies are slow. Ivy is really fast. The stripes would not be ironic at all and the turtle shell well that’s just offensive.

    .-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..I’m calling it: today is going to be a good day. =-.

  26. How about a vampire turtle? With racing stripes. They wouldn’t even need to be ironic racing stripes since vampire turtles are probably pretty fast.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..Equal Time =-.

  27. Victor bailed on the baby over a simple tattoo disagreement. Not very committed.
    .-= BHJ´s last blog ..Swinging With Bums =-.

  28. The racing stripes are so totally cool. Then when the baby grows up the racing stripes will turn into pin stripes and….wait…didn’t you maybe almost swallow pins once?……………nevermind.
    .-= Alfred´s last blog ..This is why I LOVE Twitter!! =-.

  29. i don’t even know what to say… the whole turtle baby thing is basically going to force him or her to rebel and start skateboarding in the sewers and fighting ninjas with a giant rat.
    .-= sour´s last blog ..lunges? really? =-.

  30. Go with the racing stripes, much classier than fang marks. But hey, the tortoise BEAT the hare, didn’t he? That turtle baby could turn out to be a record-breaking marathon runner!
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: You’ve Got Unpopular Blog! =-.

  31. Can a baby be a vampire even if it doesn’t have any teeth?
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..KIDS NEED HOPE NOT DOPE, YO =-.

  32. I’m a little scared of this conversation. How can Victor not see the genius of a tattooed baby? And why would he want the baby to get run over by a car?
    .-= shine´s last blog ..If you look closely, you can see a real cougar in the wild…only she’s wearing leopard print. =-.

  33. If I ever have a baby, I’m going to teach it to do jazz hands while tap-dancing. This will strictly be for all the free dinners I can get by by trading a jazz hands/tap dance baby show for eats.

    Actually, if I ever have a baby, I’ll probably be busy on the talk show circuit as the first man ever to have a baby.

    Can you just rent talented babies?
    .-= Tim´s last blog ..I’m not Benny’s mascot of the week!! =-.

  34. If ya ever decide to have another baby, there’s a place called “Family Tattoo” in Chicago…becuase that’s what families do together.
    .-= Lisa Hale´s last blog ..MyBusyBabe: @robflowers I’m taking a bow. Toodles. =-.

  35. I’m pretty sure you just undid all of your work on getting people under 30 to not have sex, since no sex = no babies, and no babies = no tattooed babies. Way to start another baby boom.

  36. Greetings Bloggess Goddess!!!!
    I’m new to your blog and I absolutely adore you already!
    Seriously, have a baby call it Wolfgang (boy or girl doesn’t matter) and give it tattoo fangs BUT don’t make it a vampire yet. Obviously you don’t want your baby to be a vampire baby for forever! Duh!
    Any kid named Wolfgang with vampire fangs on the neck will be protected for life. No bully will mess with Wolfy for the following reasons:
    1. No one messes with a kid named Wolfgang
    2. No one messes with a kid that will someday become a bad ass vampire and come back to haunt any kid or teacher from school that picked on him/her.
    3. Vampires live forever – it NEVER goes out of style. EVER. Like forever.
    4. You have a kewl Vampire auntie (ME) named Lori Jean (Red by nickname). How much more support could this kid have?
    *sigh* if only I’d had a kewl Vampire mom and aunt to guide me on my Vampire path……

  37. Maybe you should have the baby tattooed to look like a skunk, because everyone tries not to hit those with a car (and I suspect that if you hit a baby with a car, it too might smell awful). I mean, you would have to have most of its body tattooed but think of the increased safety.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..The advice he was given was to say he lost a bet…to his dog… =-.

  38. Sometimes I wonder about Victor. I mean, he’s lived with you for several years now, and I’m thinking that most of your conversations go this way. Next time he should just bring it up when you’ve got the ball gag in, and can’t respond.

  39. This is the best conversation about tattooing vampire babies and turtles that I’ve ever read.
    .-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..Vampire Tears and Drity Lying Liars =-.

  40. Tattoo the baby with really narrow, tiny letters. That way, as it grows, the letters get bigger until he’s 25 and can finally read the message you left him. Like when they put words on balloons that are really tiny until you blow them up.
    .-= Mike´s last blog ..Happy Birthday: Instant Coffee arrives on the scene. =-.

  41. Ah the tracks of my (laughter) tears…
    You are brilliantly funny, woman!
    .-= truestarr´s last blog ..Date night in Ipsos =-.

  42. A vampire baby of 2010 would be much better than the Hobbit and wizard babies of 2001. Everyone knows a vampire baby would kick a hobbit baby’s ass.
    .-= http://www.therantsofrian.blogspot.com´s last blog ..Everything you want to know and then some plus 37 =-.

  43. Don’t tattoo your baby. When he gets older and grows, his tattoos will stretch like the ones women get on their bellies and then they get pregnant and it stretches and they end up with some weird shape. And eventually they hate their kid because they’re tired of explaining how their butterfly now looks like a turd with wings. So if you must tattoo something, get his eyes done because I read somewhere that your eyes stay the same size from birth until you are grown. I’m just trying to save your future kid from being made fun of for a turd tattoo on his arm. I mean they would never make fun of his eyes because he would look like Lucifer and who fucks with Lucifer? NOBODY. Unless Lucifer has a turd tattoo on his arm. Then its game on.
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..You’re a Dog Murderer =-.

  44. Maybe Victor’s pregnant. He sounds totally hormonal.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..The Husbandrinka-Nicki Relationship =-.

  45. I say tattoo a knife on the kid and then Victor would be reminded of the stabbing and would need more therapy. You would get more time to yourself that way.
    .-= Dijea´s last blog ..Maybe its a TOOMAH… =-.

  46. Definitely tat a lightning bolt on the head. Harry Potter is here to stay bitchezz!

    Or maybe tat an image of Jesus. Everytime he pops up people flock to the town or eBay potato chips and grilled cheeses and shit. Imagine how much people would pay you to get a glimpse of that image on your fetus!!
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Pissed Off The Tooth Fairy … Literally =-.

  47. So funny that you mention vampires…I’ve been thinking that the True Blood vampires would totally kick the Twighlight vampires arse…Don’tcha think?
    .-= Nap Warden´s last blog ..I’m Movin’ Out =-.

  48. After reading your blog today I came across this while searching for something else. Turtle toss! http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/508440
    .-= Chibbsy´s last blog ..Beanie Babies! (not really) =-.

  49. But seriously, my husband and I had a similar fight but it came down to whether it is legal to tattoo a kid? I was totally going to look it up, and then I forgot. I bet its crossed Octomom’s mind too. If she just tattoos their names on their foreheads, then she solves a lot of problems for herself and the rest of us. Its the logical and unselfish thing to do, and you know, that’s they way she rolls.
    .-= Love Note´s last blog ..This is the part where I try to be positive =-.

  50. Surprisingly, this video has some great thoughts on why it’d be awesome to tattoo racing stripes onto a baby.

    .-= Trodo´s last blog ..Eventually I Had To Pick A Winner, Right? =-.

  51. How about instead of tattoos you go for scarification instead. Carve a 666 into his forehead and splash a little blood on his hands (where you get the blood is up to you of course). People will definitely not run over it because folks talk big shit about the devil, but who’d have the balls to take him on, even in a car, you know? And you’ll be famous for birthing the reincarnation of Satan. But protect that baby with all your might because eventually the Republicans will come and try to steal it so that they can raise him to one day take on Messiah Obama and there will be another world war and your baby will be like Hitler, only worse. So don’t let the republicans get your baby.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..Look: I’m not Suzy Homemaker, people. =-.

  52. Hmm. Seems like the longevity of any one idea is questionable. What if you just dip-dyed him/her like an Easter egg every once in a while? Yeah, fill up the bathtub with different colors and tie-dye him/her … with clothes on! Rawkin’ as it requires less thought on accessorizing. Plus the different colors for different seasons … It’s GOLD, Jerry. Gold!
    .-= Ed´s last blog ..That Which Doesn’t Make You Stronger. =-.

  53. Very very very funny!
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..223/365 Peaches =-.

  54. I was married three times and never had such an interesting conversation with one of those bastards. But then I never wanted to have a baby period, let alone with one of those bastards.

    I do think tattooing a baby is a great idea. Why not tattoo your address and phone number on the baby so when it gets lost from wandering in the street anyone who finds it, hopefully after swerving to miss hitting it, will be able to return it to it’s rightful parents.
    .-= Peggy Pendleton´s last blog ..Tweeting My Life Away =-.

  55. How about a tattoo of Captain Kirk, dressed as a vampire……..and I think Victor should have the baby, not you.
    .-= Karyn´s last blog ..Happy Holidays! =-.

  56. WOW ! ! ! You had me laughing OUT LOUD at work… people were looking at me like I was cRaZy…. Here’s an idea that would really turn Victor on…. YOU get a tatoo! ! ! Ready,,, you could get a M on one cheek of your behind and a M on the other cheek of your behind… and when you bend over to do the laundry(?) it would say MOM… and when Victory puts your ankles behind your ears – it would say WOW

    Just sayin….

  57. A tattoo on a baby’s neck most likely would be mistaken as throw-up. The whole vampire thing would be wasted.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Vacation, Past and Present =-.

  58. Of course you wouldn’t leave the shell-tattooed baby on the road. DUH!
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..Pescecide =-.

  59. Very funny!!! Roundabout way of saying…”I’m done”, but at least it worked!!
    .-= Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com´s last blog ..Before the Blog =-.

  60. You have no business reproducing anything that doesn’t involve a copier.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..restricting the g’s on my man junk =-.

  61. So you’re pregnant?
    .-= Sam´s last blog ..Neighborhood Peeping Tom =-.

  62. I think you should tattoo Vulcan ears on Hailey. I mean, heck, she could even make *those* look adorable, and besides you wouldn’t have to go through the whole pregnancy thing.

    Or else you make *Victor* have the baby, then auction off naming rights on eBay (to be applied via tattoo.) That way you get the tattoo’d kid, Victor gets the stretch marks, and people can look at the new little one and wonder “WTF!?”

    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Hell’s Kitchen: from Iraq to Ihardplace =-.

  63. If you did the turtle shell AND the vampire tattoos, you’d have a “Turt-pire.”
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..How many do you have? =-.

  64. Or maybe you just tattoo a mustache on it. Then he can be the first of his friends to buy beer before he turns 21…’cause then he’ll look *mature*
    .-= Lynette´s last blog ..Overheard =-.

  65. What is really great about the discussion between you and Victor is that both of you were able to air issues and opinions that were (and maybe still are) important to you while agreeing on no course of action. You were able to put the whole “i think i want another baby” controversy aside by actually debating the wisdom of infant tatooing. Very clever. In the end nothing is decided, therefore nothing happens, therefore no horrible result, no life long regret, and finally, and most importantly, no body is to blame. Perfect. May you live long and prosper.
    .-= scott tennyson´s last blog ..Journeys of the Mind from the Arizona desert to the beaches of Southern California =-.

  66. Shit I totally just got busted at work for laughing out loud…..now I have to lie about what I was doing………. if I get fired you and your vampire/turtle baby are going to get stabbed!

  67. Ridiculous. Vampires are not tramp stamps, and turtles carry disease. Babies grow to be adults who will change your diapers when you’re senile. Or maybe not, but you probably won’t care. Get knocked up!
    .-= heather´s last blog ..Day 17, Pina Colada =-.

  68. 68

    Tattooing babies is just stupid.

    Wait ’til they’re a little older and then do some serious surgical modifications like pointed ears and hairy feet.

    Every fucking body loves hobbits.
    . . . they age well too. And you save a lot on unneeded extras like shoes and name Brand clothing.
    It’s Win-win-win. Or Win-win. Or Win—–hobbits don’t care what you call ’em.

  69. I once saw a tattoo on a guy that said “MOM” but the “O” was his belly button.

    On second thought, maybe it said, “WOW” when he looked down.
    .-= amo´s last blog ..Definitely on my Top Ten "This Must be Hell" List =-.

  70. You are insane. I love that about you.

  71. You should totally have another baby. And name it William Shatner. Regardless of the sex.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Congratulations! =-.

  72. You could tattoo the baby, hang him from the sign on the median in a baby carrier, and that would would solve the entire problem.

  73. Tatoo the baby with the vampire tooth marks, and then make sure you give the baby gloves made out of kittens, and then tatoo it’s forehead with a disclaimer saying, “William Shatner did this to me.” Then send a picture of the whole thing to Jerry Springer and tell them all how you saved this poor child from William Shatner’s evil revenge plot against you in the nick of time. MSNBC and CNN will pick up the story this time! 😉
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..I’m Screwed Because God Is A Shat-fan =-.

  74. Thank you for this post. It made my day. I think unless it was the most epic tattoo ever your kid would probably hate you for it later in life though… and even if it were the most epic tattoo ever, there’s probably a good chance they’d still hate it.
    .-= Grizzly Kitteh´s last blog ..THIS ONE!!! =-.

  75. Is this Victors weak attempt to support #unblockthebloggess by getting you to procreate and therefore backfill the army? ‘Cause it’s a slow recruitment process, no dig intended.
    .-= bea´s last blog ..just mommies – for those who are not yet mommies =-.

  76. Please, never stop writing!

    ps – i was a little gun-shy about leaving a comment… but you are just too awesome and you need to be told. often.

  77. OMG i just peed in my pants a little bit!
    I think you should do tiger stripes…becuase tigers are the bomb. Then for it’s first halloween you could dress it up like a lion and it would be a liger. so awesome!

    love your blog!! It makes my day every time i read!!
    .-= Lauren G.´s last blog ..Marlowe Mondays ~ week 4 =-.

  78. I think you should Victor to tattoo a turtle shell wearing, vampire baby on himself. Cheaper in the long run and less likely to shit on your carpet.
    .-= Mad Woman´s last blog ..103 years and no more time =-.

  79. Tim,

    I’ll rent you my baby, he comes with jazz hands. I need a nap.

    Love, The Tiredgess

  80. A baby tattooed with a turtle shell would be a crazy sight, indeed.
    .-= Shawn K. Quinn´s last blog ..Cheerleading coach extorts Facebook credentials, spreads private info =-.

  81. You totally should have another baby! The world needs more mini Bloggesses running around!
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Run It Out. =-.

  82. You could just go head and tattoo tire marks down the baby’s back…

    or, I know, how about you blog ON THE BABY! That’s be news-breaking…and then you’d have to blog from jail but at least you’d have more to write about…
    .-= Rhea´s last blog ..Where are 12 yr olds when you need them?! =-.

  83. Poor Victor. Going through his entire life with such a lack of vision. Plus? You think he would have learned by now that he just needs to trust you. You KNOW what you’re talking about. I mean…OBVIOUSLY.
    .-= Lesley´s last blog ..An Um…What?? Dream Sequence! (It’s Just As Stupid As You’d Think) (Except For How It’s Even Stupider) =-.

  84. Wow. The whole post was so far out in left field. I read it while I was home for lunch, and kept snickering so hard on the way back to work that I almost got in an accident. And my coworkers looked at me funny when I got there.
    I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to be friends with you. I’d either have the best abs in the world from laughing my ass off at you, or totally confused because everything you say seems completely misconnected with reality. (Not disconnected. Just connected in a manner that is 90 degrees away from where the rest of the world is.)
    I still feel compelled to point out that you should not leave racing-stripes baby in the road, either. People wouldn’t see the “ironic racing stripes” part right away, so they’d probably assume he could get out of the way and run over the poor tyke before they realized their mistake.

  85. Well now. if this doesn’t entice the Shat, I don’t know what will.
    .-= flutter´s last blog ..I can roar =-.

  86. It is a good job this new keyboard I got is water proof or I’d send you the bill for me snorting tea through my nose all over it, hilarious.
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..Give me my crack balls =-.

  87. I really would like someone to whip this up in Photoshop. You can use it as your new button. Also, I agree with the other commentors – Vampires are a fad – tattoos are forever. But so are real vampires. So there you go.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..I’m looking at the bitch in the mirror. =-.

  88. I think getting the tattoos handled right up front saves you a lot of time when (s)he is a teen and wants to rebel. What are they gonna do? Bake cakes? You’ll sweep the badass right out of them.

  89. Well, honestly. I think you guys qualify for a lot of babies to experiment… 🙂

  90. All i’m saying is that maybe you should get pregnant. Do it for the Irony.

  91. Hay-sus fucking Christo…
    Just get pregnant and then we can figure out all these details later. I mean, it’s really preg-tarded to limit yourself and your baby before the vamp-by is here. So….first is to get knocked up. Need instructions? I might be able to help. Second is to beg for names from your fans, like Janah ( IDK who she is, but she might rock it all night long), or Blog-a-licious because anyname with -licious at the end probably rocks.
    I really can’t help you in the Vamp[ire] department because I don’t fucking read anything that isn’t dirty trash or complete fake gossip. So a real book would probably make my eyes bleed. And then I wouldn’t be able to see that you named your next Bebe after me!
    So just do it. Don’t piss me off and make me crawl to Mexico to figure out a creative- in- a- drunken- stupor-name for what your cute little gremlin should be named…or else we will all call her/him Gremlin.

    Or Janah…that’s a great name fr a girl.
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..It’s like having a booger in your nose and no one tells you. =-.

  92. Also, apparently, I am the only fucktard that wrote way too much about naming babies. Therefore maybe I should go kick my own ass right now. Thank you. Drive thru.
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..It’s like having a booger in your nose and no one tells you. =-.

  93. Somewhere in all of that conversation, there’s got to be content for a Hallmark card. 🙂
    .-= M´s last blog ..Personalized Decadence =-.

  94. SO much better to figure these things out BEFORE you have the baby… that’s what makes you such awesome parents! The tattoo thing makes perfect sense to me.
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch… =-.

  95. Your vampire baby would totally kick that creepy baby from Twilight’s ass!

  96. Sometimes my love for you goes way beyond that of Victors…

  97. Too funny!
    ~ FC
    .-= FC´s last blog ..Sky Diving =-.

  98. The really sad thing about this is that two assshats where actually just arrested for attempting something this awesome. I mean seriously why do we keep locking up all the progressive free thinkers of these here United States.

    “Two fathers (Enrique Gonzalez, 26, in Fresno, Calif., in April and Eugene Ashley, 24, in Floyd County, Ga., in May) were charged with forcibly tattooing their young sons. Gonzalez allegedly held down his 7-year-old while a tattooist inked a gang symbol, and Ashley allegedly inked “DB” (for Daddy’s Boy) personally on his 3-year-old’s shoulder. ”
    -Fresno Bee-AP, 4-22-09] [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 5-26-09]

    Also, I am fairly certain that the “DB” tattoo migh actually stand for Douche Bag, just a thought.

  99. Victor is a saint.

  100. I at the very least want to get my daughters ears pierced, man. But I a’int allowed no tats, man…I’m mormon.
    (Though, can I confess: I’m secretly in love with the show LA Ink and Kat Von D)
    .-= Gabrielle Valentine´s last blog ..My Ex-Husband, Ryan, Is Still Stalking Me =-.

  101. You don’t need to have a baby. It just so happens I breed baby vampire turtle hybrids. And, we’re having a sale this week. End of Season Clearance. The new fall models are incubating as we speak. Come down to Crazy Mayo’s where our prices on vampire baby turtles aren’t just good, they’re insane!!!
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..#ba =-.

  102. Listen – if you can pierce a baby’s ears, you should totally be able to get your kid tattooed.
    .-= corrin´s last blog ..Uncomfortable Laugh =-.

  103. Such an awesome post and comments.
    .-= Zandor´s last blog ..Inappropriate search terms. =-.

  104. What about a shark fin on the back? You can have it studded into the back. Apparently inserting permanent diamond studs in the skin is all the rage right now. Right after vampires, obvs. I’d totally get one if I was HALF as badass as your ficticious unborn baby.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..Stop Pitying Me, Trolls!!! =-.

  105. […] no idea what I’m talking about just skip this entirely and go to yesterday’s post when Victor and I discussed having babies so we could tattoo them and leave them in the road, which (surprisingly) bothered people way less than William Shatner blocking me.  Conclusion: […]

  106. I think Victor is just threatened by the idea of his baby being cooler and more bad-ass than he is with a vampire tat or stripes, etc. He could either get a matching tat or therapy to get over his insecurities — or both!
    .-= slacker-chick´s last blog ..Spewing Stuff (but not in a gross way) =-.

  107. I just told a boring guy that i couldn’t see him anymore after reading that because I realized that we never have conversations like yours that make me laugh until Crystal Light comes out my nose. I want that. Does Victor have brothers?
    .-= TxtingMrDarcy´s last blog ..Here Goes Nothing… =-.

  108. And I thought I had a good reason to be “child-less by choice”! Ever think about returning the first one?
    .-= Jules´s last blog ..Is The Word “Feminist” Broken? =-.

  109. I kinda liked the fang idea, but …. You could suggest to Richard that the baby get a tattoo like the one my 21-y-o son got for mother’s day last year– an actual eye/orbital socket, with an actual heart (ventricles, etc.) and my name, “Eye-Heart-Lesley.” Yikes! After that, the wee fangs would be a shoo-in….

  110. Victor says, “That’s totally inappropriate” way more than any other person on earth. I’m pretty sure that’s true.
    .-= amy2boys´s last blog ..How To Make Beer Can Chickens =-.

  111. You are just the best.
    Thank you.
    : )
    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..Codes… and html… and templates… oh my =-.

  112. […] laff riot to live with me like it must be a laff riot (or highly disturbing, or both) to live with The Bloggess, and probably you fantasize about it constantly or at least use a calculator from time to time, […]

  113. […] babe, read this! http://thebloggess.com/?p=3469 3:35 PM Paolo: oh boy… me: can we pleeeeaaaase tattoo our baby? Paolo: what?!? me: just […]

  114. […] The Bloggess, I’m not Pregnant […]

  115. […] warn ya!).  One of the first posts I ever read from The Bloggess was a post about having a second child and why it wasn’t a good idea for her to have another child.  I truly don’t know how she manages to be SO creative and entertaining with each post, but […]

  116. i know this is super old and you wont read this…. but im backlogging becuase i just foudn you and your so funny that i want to read them all. so i read a few pages a day at work.

    all i have to say is “YOU ARE BIRTH CONTROL.” awesome.

  117. 119
    Lady Penelope

    This. Is. Gold.
    I’m going to try this the next time my wanna-be-outlaws pester me about popping out little monsters.
    Hope it makes ’em back the fuck off!

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  119. I’m going to try this the next time my wanna-be-outlaws pester me about popping out little monsters.
    Hope it makes ‘em back the
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  120. Poor Victor. Going through his entire life with such a lack of vision. Plus? You think he would have learned by now that he just needs to trust you. You KNOW what you’re talking about.

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  121. Thank you for this post. It made my day. I think unless it was the most epic tattoo ever your kid would probably hate you for it later in life though… and even if it were the most epic tattoo ever, there’s probably a good chance they’d still hate it.

  122. I want children in the future. I will definitely avoid this type of conversation with my future hubby. XD
    Thank you for such an awesome post. 😉

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