Part 3: Dear William Shatner: You mocked me once. NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

William Shatner is mocking all of us.  Okay, maybe not all of us but certainly me.  I honestly thought we were done with this whole William Shatner debacle and I was moving on with my life and I was actually working on a new blog post that was so good it would probably have cured cancer but then I totally lost my train of thought and accidentally deleted it when it was pointed out to me that WILLIAM SHATNER WAS MOCKING ME ON TWITTER.

Subtle, Bill.  Very subtle.
Subtle, Bill. Very subtle.

Conclusion?  William Shatner wants you to have cancer.

And I know most of you are thinking “Wow.  I have no idea what she’s talking about.  Like, even less than normal” and that’s because you haven’t been keeping up.  Long story short: I invited William Shatner to dinner so he could save my marriage, he didn’t respond, I went to send him a link about how much I love him, WILLIAM SHATNER BLOCKED ME, Gawker called me an interesting psycho, MSNBC covered the feud, thousands of people made me laugh hysterically as they rallied around the completely ludicrous cause of getting William Shatner to unblock me on twitter.  And it was good.  Until William Shatner purposely mocked me with aggression. I mean, I know you can’t really see the aggression because it’s in writing but if there was an aggressive font I’m pretty sure he’d be using it here.

And I was going to just tweet a link to Bill’s taunt rather than write a whole post except this is what I get when I click on that tweet:

I'm not going to beg, William Shatner.
I'm not going to *beg* you, William Shatner.

But I forgive him.  Because he is William Shatner.  But you know who I love more than William Shatner?  Grimace.  He was the only McDonald’s character that I felt like I could really hang out with.  And do you know who I love even more than Grimace?  All the amazing people who took it upon themselves to create an entire army of twitterers bent soley on getting William Shatner to unblock me by revealing William Shatners deepest, darkest (and possibly untruest) secrets.  Because it’s exactly that sort of dedication to a cause that is both futile, un-winnable and altogether ridiculous that is the very thing that makes me believe in the power of humanity to not take themselves so fucking seriously.  And so now I’m going to share just a few of my favorite William Shatner related tweets from the last 24 hours.  I should add here for legal purposes that probably more than 10% of these are just rumors and not based on actual fact.  And also that William Shatner is still invited to my house for dinner but now I’m not paying for the hooker and he has to bring the beer.

william12a

william14

william 15

william 16

william 17

william 18

william19

william 20

william 21

william 22

william 23

william 24

william 25

Comment of the day: I really don’t know how much more you can be expected to take. I hope Bill Clinton gets involved. And soon. ~ Marinka

132 thoughts on “Part 3: Dear William Shatner: You mocked me once. NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. The Bloggess left out my witty and supportive tweet. *sigh* I’ll just have to come up with another one.

  2. I see a poem in the future about The Bloggess on the Late show….

    There was a woman from Texas
    That I was stupid enough to mess with…

  3. We can totally get Stephen Colbert on this. I know it. I can feel it in my bones. This is right up his alley. Kirk vs. Colbert: A battle for the twitterverse. #unblockthebloggess and #GetStephen. He’s Neo now. “The One.” The oracle told me over a spoon bending session. I get to be Morpheus. I called it. DM @mayopie on twitter for your codename.. I sent Stephen a phone this morning via Fed Ex. The agents are close. Oh, and it would be the coolest thing in the world if #unblockthebloggess became an actual trending topic. Why it hasn’t yet, I have no idea (William Shatner, likely.) I’ve never made a trending topic before. Somebody fix that please. Thanks.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Oh, I’ll leave you alone =-.

  4. actually i was kidding. but he IS a little sensitive. i suspect its all due to his PR minions screening naughty keywords. BILL BILL get some PR kids with a sense of humour!
    .-= screamish´s last blog ..pregnant pauses =-.

  5. I know, I’ll invite you over for dinner and then I’ll twitter William to invite him over for dinner the same night but I won’t tell him you’re coming and then he’ll show up and won’t he be surprised when you’re there instead of the hooker I promised him and then he’ll fall in love with you and marry you and then I can live in the guest house on the Shat estate and we’ll all be best friends and everything.
    P.S. Your husband can come too.
    .-= CatLadyLarew´s last blog ..I Win! I Win! =-.

  6. Um, my hysterical tweet “William Shatner is the past tense of Shit-ner” did not make this list (unless I missed it, shut up, I’m stupid…? See, I ended it with a “?” — I’m so stupid I’m not even sure if I’m stupid!) and now I’m thinking about blocking you too.

  7. You would be stupid *not* to block me.

    Actually there were a TON of awesome tweets that I wanted to include and the post started getting so long that I thought the computer was going to crash and so I just kind of grabbed a big handful of awesome all willy-nilly and in the rush some awesomeness spilled out of my fingers. You were some of that awesomeness. You were like that little bit of beer we pour out for our homies before we drink ourselves. Except I don’t do that because all my dead friends liked cocktails and people get mad when you pour your margarita on the floor. This comment confused me. Just know that I love you whether you block me or not. That’s what makes me better than William Shatner.

  8. I am the last one in that list! HELL. YES. If I weren’t in any of those tweets that you put up, I’d kill myself and #blamewilliamshatner in my suicide note.

    I wouldn’t actually kill myself, but I probably would have sent you lots of hate mail. But not really.

    … William Shatner made me do it.

  9. I would totally join in the “spreading rumors about Shatner on Twitter” thing but if I say something bad about the Shat (even facetiously) I’ll be excommunicated by my fellow Trekkies. Well actually the Picard people won’t mind but I try not to take sides there either (okay well Picard is just plain better but other than that I’m neutral).
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: You’ve Got Unpopular Blog! =-.

  10. Now I kinda feel sorry for William Shatner. I mean he’s old and maybe the whole blocking thing was some kind of creeping dementia and he is reading all this #’s now and thinking, “WTF?”
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Family Matters =-.

  11. Princess Bride. Great movie! Unless you weren’t referencing the Princess Bride. But you are a badass, so you probably did.

  12. I don’t know if hiding tweets at individual tweet URLs from accounts that have you blocked is intentional on the part of Twitter, but it can be worked around. Personally, I think making it appear as though someone has a protected account when they really don’t is a bug in and of itself, as it is misleading and confuses both new users, and old users who were around before the changes went into effect some months ago.

    Anyway, enough about that. I will say my opinion of William Shatner has gone down a notch since he felt like stooping *this* low. I say, let him do Priceline commercials until he croaks and we can all have a “good riddance” party.
    .-= Shawn K. Quinn´s last blog ..An unusual case of generosity =-.

  13. Sorry I don’t see this as a Steven Colbert thing…I see this more of an Ellen calling Jenny and Shatner and asking them on her show to resolve their differences. I see Jenny showing up in her blonde wig and Ellen offering to adopt her because she reminds her a little bit of her first Anne Heche…then Jenny gets all ‘Oh no you didn’t Anne Heche me…’ then a new Twitter event takes place with people demanding Ellen apologize to Jenny… then Shatner gets all ginned up because Ellen stole his Jenny thunder and it just gets really ugly from there when Shatner starts to feel a little stabby…

    TheBloggess is like a friggen MUSE for people to really reach deep into their own insanity and write this sort of stuff…

  14. William Shatner still thinks he’s “the shit”. Nope, he’s “the Shat” and nobody wants to be that especially after it’s aged a while.

  15. Stephen Colbert’s Twitter Acct is @StephenAtHome We’ll be coordinating a mass tweet sometime in the next 3-5 days, but we need to build, people. #unblockthebloggess and #GetStephen. Remember, He’s “The One,” but we have to extract him from the Matrix. I took the pills, though. I thought they were something else. The mirror thing was the fucking coolest, so it was probably better than what I thought it was. Does anyone know a different way to extract someone from the Matrix? I have Excedrin. dm @mayopie for details and a post coming at http://mayopie.wordpress.com . Remember, I called Morpheus first. I already shaved my head so I’m not giving it up.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Oh, I’ll leave you alone =-.

  16. Cedarflame- Stephen Colbert is a twitter maniac and has a treadmill named after him on the space station. I think that makes him a Captain. Captain Kirk vs. Captain Colbert? He’d eat it up. This made MSNBC, and it’s dominating Twitter. It’s straight up his alley for both it’s comedic value and subject matter. And there is no one fucking funnier than this woman, and she should be on his show. It could make for a brilliant show with Shatner unblocking a dear fan, getting huge positive press and Colbert being the Hero. It’s an opportunity for both of them and a comedic goldmine. #GetStephen #unblockthebloggess
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Oh, I’ll leave you alone =-.

  17. I would also like to add that Princess Bride is the most awesome movie ever made, and we do have an Inigo Montoya and a Princess Buttercup in the bloggess army. We desperatetely need a Man in Black. Dread Pirate Roberts will also be acceptable. I’ll leave now. Sorry.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Oh, I’ll leave you alone =-.

  18. Hey Jen, did you see the update @PaulCamuso (one of the only nine people Shatner follows, and what is up with that cuz one of the people he follows is himself). Anyway, I don’t think they get you. Or this.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Family Matters =-.

  19. And Cedarflame? Ellen would also be awesome. I didn’t mean to sound harsh, I haven’t slept much in the last couple of days because that’s when William Shatner attacks you in your dreams. Like Freddy Krueger. But he has two razor gloves. And a plaid sweater. #unblockthebloggess
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Oh, I’ll leave you alone =-.

  20. William Shattner is the reason America does not have universal healthcare and Canada does.

  21. William Shatner made me have a dream that scorpions were trying to eat frogs and lizards while Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal from Tears for Fears were having a party at my house and someone was in the backyard slaughtering a whole cow for a cookout and then bears showed up and I couldn’t figure out how to clean the aquarium. Or it was the valium. Could be both, since I have to take valium because of William Shatner.

  22. Mayopie…I did not take offense…I think TheBloggess should be on all the networks….THE TODAY show with THEBLOGGESS…and all you people standing in the windows holding signs and waving them while she sat there talking with her blonde wig just wearing a sheet …who wouldn’t tune in to that????? In fact…I say give her a REALITY SHOW!!!

  23. Ok, I’ve added a brief post with some details if you’re interested in joining the cause. We have a ton of participation so far. I don’t think it will be too long for the national media takes notice but we have to be persistent. I know it almost gets old, but we have to remember that the bloggess is a fan, as am I, and she was blocked for being awesome. It probably wasn’t even him, and if he plays this right, it could be nothing but a publicity circus that he benefits from the most. At the end of this, he’ll be thanking her and she’ll get to fucking meet William Shatner. And so will Victor. And then he will pick up empty pizza boxes. And that, my friends, is the big picture.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..#unblockthebloggess =-.

  24. MayoPie,

    Note that the following comment is not meant to be patronizing in any way, it’s just that I know a bit about grassroots advocacy-type stuff and I figured I’d put my two cents in to help your cause. You may already know all of this, but I figured I’d point it out in case you did not.

    If you’re serious about getting this on the Colbert Report, which I agree would be hilarious, then you should note two things:

    1. Don’t be too obsessed with a mass tweet all at one time. While mass tweeting is a great idea, some interpret a set time as a “deadline,” which can be problematic because some may forget to tweet at the approved time, be busy at the chosen time, etc. That’s not to say that you can’t or shouldn’t try to get everyone to tweet at one time, but just make sure that, when you encourage people to tweet at a given time, you also make it clear that it’s okay if they miss the deadline and tweet at a later time. Emphasize that you want a large number of tweets at a certain time, but don’t make it a steadfast rule or you could lose tweeters. It would be fun to crash twitter, but not if it costs you in the overall number of tweets.

    2. Massive tweeting is great, but for the story to get picked up, most media outlets wanna know that a story has strong support from more than just one community. I’d suggest you encourage your most dedicated readers to send an email to the Report *in addition to* (i.e. *not* instead of) tweeting. This will also give those not on twitter a way to voice their support. The Report’s webmaster is at colbertweb@gmail.com. It would be even better if you could find the media contact for the show.

    Essentially, the idea is to strongly *suggest* that as many people as possible tweet at a certain time, without shooting yourself in the foot by over-constraining supporters. Like I said, avoid this by encouraging people to tweet even if it’s after the massive tweet campaign and by providing alternative ways of contacting the Report. Fewer constraints can help get more people involved in any advocacy campaign. (And yes, that’s what this is. Advocacy = engaging in a behavior – often on behalf of others – to try to evoke another behavior from someone else. Welcome to my world, MayoPie! It’s nice here, huh?)

    Good luck with this. I’m glad you’re getting so much support!
    .-= Deontologist´s last blog ..MUST READ: The Save Darfur coalition’s vital statistics =-.

  25. Wow, now I’m really glad I’m not on twitter. First, my head would explode trying to read all of this stuff. Second, I went through the popularity contest that is high school once and I do not want to do it again. Third, I’ve never liked William Shatner, and this is waaaaay too much of him for my taste!

    I hope you resolve this conflict, because we need a cure for cancer, and Shatner is already completely overexposed. Maybe someone more obscure could save your marriage. How about Bruce Willis…no, never mind. He can only show you how to have an amicable divorce. How about Danny DeVito – we never hear from him anymore!
    .-= a´s last blog ..Au Naturelle Part III =-.

  26. OMG, I posted eleventy million #unblockthebloggess tweets yesterday and all of my real life friends unfollowed me because of it, but fuck them, because I was devoted to the cause. And yet? I did not make the cut for this post. I am feeling pulled to the dark side. When they find my dead body reeking of vodka parked in front of the TJ Hooker marathon, you’ll be sorry Bloggess. You’ll be sorry.
    .-= Shana´s last blog ..Friday Fill ins =-.

  27. I’m usually a big fan of your shenanigans, and they’re usually awesome, hilarious, and insane… but I gotta side with Shatner on this one. He reacted quite reasonably to you harassing him because he didn’t get the joke, and now you’ve got thousands more people harassing him. Leave Kirk alone!

  28. William Shatner always “forgets” his wallet when he is out on a date.

    William Shatner likes the donkey punch. If he asks, say no thanks and back away.
    .-= Stone Fox´s last blog ..The Secret =-.

  29. OMG, I’m having so much fun adding things to the #unblockthebloggess William Shatner… list!!! A couple of my personal faves: William Shatner stole my son’s candy. William Shatner chose the ending for the Soprano’s finale. My whole tweet page is going to be the #unblockthebloggess William Shatner… list. 🙂 Just another faithful minion…
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..LMFAO Friday ~ Acknowledging the Lunacy Edition =-.

  30. I’ve already put in my two cents in the form of two tweets in which I accused the Shat of single-handedly causing global warming by melting the polar icecaps with his phaser and claimed that the Shat is in fact the one who spilled your milk and made you cry.

    Aside from that I kind of love William Shatner, particularly for his work on Boston Legal in which he plays an amazing caricature of, I suspect, William Shatner. Also James Spader rocks, but he’s really not the issue right now.

    I’ve had too much to drink, my dress is too short, and I can’t seem to meet a man who hasn’t grown a vagina and DOESN’T want to talk to me about his feelings all the time. Surely there are still men out there with penises. I’m not sure about the state of the Shat’s penis. I have to think of him as not 137-years-old to even contemplate the state of his penis. Why are we talking about his penis anyway?
    .-= shine´s last blog ..Dear Men, =-.

  31. The Princess Bride reference alone was a sure sign I’d enjoy this post. I’ve never been much of a BillShat fan. And now that I know he’s purposely ignoring you I like him even less. I think I’ll book all my travel directly through the airline. Or, better yet, I won’t go anywhere at all.

  32. i haven’t enjoyed a feud so much in years – and because i love you AND William Shatner, it’s the happiest feud out. I don’t feel like i have to choose, but i do have to laugh, or i WILL explode.

    Though fortunately i have a stronger pelvic floor than the last respondent, and have not wet myself… well, i nearly did over the giraffe sex thing a few months ago… and the dog having his ears pierced a bit before that… it’s just occurred to me, they should use the Bloggess as a test of pelvic floor strength – much easier than all those gadgets, just read, laugh, and see if you’re incontinent.
    .-= Sheila (@stinginthetail)´s last blog ..so, how big is your virtual penis? =-.

  33. I’d probably feel like I’d won the lottery for being favorited if it weren’t for the fact that my picture involves wax lips.

    Regardless, I will be a total soldier. This injustice cannot stand.

  34. We can still do a mass tweet. We all just need to set things up through the twitter application “Twaitter” which schedules tweets when YOU want to send them. Awesome. It even schedules repeats. So you can write your tweet, save it, and then go screw up your real life instead of your online one.

    Sweet.
    .-= JChevais´s last blog ..Attention Losing Ho =-.

  35. Yesterday I drank enough Heineken to kill a small horse…i’ve been telling everyone that it was all because I was so upset at what a horrible prick Shatner was being to the Bloggess…but really its because I have an alcohol dependency problem…does this still count as support for your cause Bloggess?

    PS. On a side note I just found a peanut that looks like Shatner…its a sign…
    .-= Karl´s last blog ..Properties in Albufeira =-.

  36. We are growing. If you are interested in joining the movement that will a) Help Jenny become a household name and b) Help he Shat become a twitter legend, visit http://mayopie.wordpress.com for your codename. The good ones are getting snapped up like crazy. Tyler Durden was only recently claimed. WTF? Thought that would be one of the first ones. Anyway, I also put up a delirious post about all this, if you’re bored or whatever.

    -Morpheus
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..If you haven’t seen the Matrix you should probably just go away #unblockthebloggess William Shatner! =-.

  37. Dear Bloggess,

    Can you be my BFF? I want to be just like you when I grow up. I can be like a mini-Bloggess…. Bloggessette?

    Thank you,
    Me 🙂

  38. Boy of boy!!! the entire twitterland is rooting for you. i am sure as heel tommorrow there’s gonna be a poll about this on CNN. God you are hillarious:-)
    .-= Noopur´s last blog ..Double Sunday =-.

  39. Is this The Bloggess or Twitter? The names are the same.
    Okay, who’s holding the board and how much per square on when The Bloggess will be appearing on The Colbert Report?
    I’m guessing she gets a spot on a future Priceline commercial! Damn Jenny, if Boston Legal was still on you’d probably get a guest spot, then your own spin-off.

    Okay, squares on the Priceline commercial. Who’s in?
    .-= John Pazzesco´s last blog ...: I’m So Going To Hell =-.

  40. i was re-reading these shatner posts cuz they really, really crack me up (like spit my coffee out on my keyboard and get yelled at by my husband, cuz ruining infared computer keyboards with drinking liquids is a sport to me)(so it seems). and i had to remark that I love the title…cuz i am one of those Princess Bride fans (i even decide to marry my husband—whom i met on aol—because he said, “as you wish” to me in an instant message without ever having seen the movie…i figured we were meant to be together!)
    anyway, your blog cracks me up. thanks! and congrats on getting back in good with the Shat (did you know that around here–where my husband is from–not me—im not from a little, itty, bitty town like this one–‘shat’ is the past tense of sh*t?—yeah, you probably did)

  41. great. i just read some of the comments (why didnt i do that before??!!) there already is mention of the princess bride and ‘shat’ being the past tense of ‘sh*t’. crap. i am an ass. please delete my comments and preserve my online dignity (i have none in real life….perhaps that goes without saying…?). oh well, still love your blog…even if i am an ass.

  42. I just need you to know that I share your love of Grimace!!! I happen to own a Grimace pencil that I’m sure is vastly valuable and vintage and all… it’s my favorite pencil and therefore I am the only one allowed to use it cause let’s face it, the more you use it, the more Grimace goes bye-bye with the sharpening and all. I’m pretty sure I hear him squeal when the time comes… I’ve forced the pencil to last, and barely be used, for more than ten years now. It’s on my nightstand for Sodoku purposes and my 1.5 year old grabs it everynight thinking the added on eraser is chapstick. Poor Grimace.

  43. Just spent the last 15 minutes laughing until I cried- and wheezed- over these Twitter posts. How I haven’t knocked myself out by slamming my head into my desk while laughing is a damn mystery to me.

  44. WTF??? I may have to totally rethink my Kirk love affair now. This is totally unacceptable.. You’re like laugh crack. How can he not want to go to your house for dinner.. Does Copernicus have a twin? I really need a homicidal monkey..

  45. Oh I LOVE that you quoted The Princess Bride!

    And I can’t *believe* I missed this whole saga (coming to the party a couple of years late).

    This *almost* got me to look into this thing you call ‘twitter’. Almost.

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