Also, I took my dog to the vet *and* went to the post office. So yeah, I’m pretty impressive.

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    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t an asshole):

    This week on the internets:

    • Blogher named me Blogher of the Week, which was very sweet in light of how many time I’ve made their lives difficult.  Also, they called me “epistolary” and I think they made that word up because I don’t know what that means but it makes me sound like I have a gun.  Which I do.  So, good investigative-journalisming, Blogher.
    • I accidentally shot a free commercial for toilet paper when I was drunk because I assumed they’d never use it.  Then they totally did.  But in truth I probably would have done it sober too.  (Also, yes.  I realize I don’t sound at all like what you thought I would sound like and that *is* a wig.)

    This week on my mommy blog on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    Comment of the day: In case no one has pointed this out, the “related videos” for your toilet paper ad include Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address and Johnny Depp on the Actor’s Studio. Clearly, they’ve nailed your personality.~ Megan {Velveteen Mind}

    29 thoughts on “Also, I took my dog to the vet *and* went to the post office. So yeah, I’m pretty impressive.

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Epistolary immediately made me think of episiotomy…you know that fun little slice they do on your cooch when anything over 6 pounds just doesn’t fit through your hole? Then they have to stich it up and it itches like a bitch for like a million and a half weeks. But if you have a totally rad doctor he will give you that extra stich which they call the “honeymoon” stich. As if screwing after you’ve delivered a watermelon is like being back in Jamaica on your honeymoon. Oh yay. You might as well take a knife to the vagina.
      Sooooo….. maybe they really meant to make you sound like an itchy cooch. Apparently episiotomies itch really bad. I don’t know, I’m just guessing because I don’t know what that word means either.

    2. Jenny, um you may not sound like you “should” but you TOTALLY sound like I “do”. And so now I’m so freaking confused I’m not sure who I am. Maybe I AM you because you don’t think you sound like you, but you sound like me (I do have bigger boobs though, and they ARE natural but I pretend they are fake because that makes it seem like I care). Have you seen Freaky Friday? I think I live in Freaky Everyday, possibly with you.

      Did someone ask me a question?
      .-= Simply Jenn´s last blog ..Guess the picture =-.

    3. I am so glad that you made up with William Shatner, Dooce, and the editors at BlogHer all in one month. This only proves that if we try to make amends — all of us — we can finally achieve world peace.

      And just for your information, if you sneak into fancy hotels, like the Plaza Hotel in New York, and steal their toilet paper, you would be surprised by the excellent quality. Do not try to steal the toilet paper at places like Applebee’s and TGIF, for the obvious reasons. Surely, there must be some fine hotels and eating establishments in the Houston area for you to steal toilet paper that lives up to you and your husband’s high standards. Hope that was of some help!
      .-= Neil´s last blog ..World of Tomorrow =-.

    4. I just have to say I love you. We went to dinner last night with my family, some of whom I’ve convinced to read your blog (one is a Baptist minister… I haven’t worked on him yet) and we talked about your posts for quite a while. I should tell you, though – we can’t go back to that restaurant anymore because people overheard us talking about tattooing babies and leaving them in the middle of the road and laughing while we discussed it, and I think we might be publicly shunned if those people see us again.
      .-= Heidi´s last blog ..Gabe’s House Rules =-.

    5. I do so appreciate the advice you gave about showing off my honestly-come-by mommy knockers. Even more than you might imagine, as I have been totally smiling and then kicking people in the stomach when they ogle my juggas, for many months now. I love that you’ve confirmed for me that my behavior is nothing if not natural, and that those people should have seen it coming. Fucking whiners.
      .-= pamela´s last blog ..let’s lighten things up with a giveaway! =-.

    6. I’m now going to shower because you allowed my eyes to see the horrific nature of fashion via that Walmart site. I know you didn’t make me click it, but I believe you lead me to with your influence. It was like the force or perhaps the drinks I had before deciding to click, of which I also think you had something to do with because if you hadn’t made that commercial while drunk then I wouldn’t have thought to drink. See the power you have. It’s why Shatner couldn’t stay away no matter how hard he tried.
      .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Not My First Baby Rodeo =-.

    7. I would enjoy seeing you in a blond Afro. Also, have you considered the trend of the moment, the Kate Gosselin wig? Then you could be, like, double crazy. I mean, you are not crazy. But, you know.

      Never mind.
      .-= Kathi D´s last blog ..Oh, this blogging life =-.

    8. I just thought you should know that you have probably ruined my marriage by linking that wal-mart site.

      Of course this is just my husband’s opinion.
      I told him not to look. So when he yelled at me for sharing such a horrible site of images I told him he brought it on himself.
      I mean I said right in the email ‘Do not open this link its full of disturbing and funny images’ or something to that effect, I might have left out the ‘not’ and ‘disturbing’ but they were implied.

      You would think after all this time he would learn to delete my emails and never follow the links, so I absolve you of any of his imaginary guilt.

      –Aileene
      p.s. I love these round ups, because I always miss everything…at least I get to catch up on what the popular kids are doing.

    9. omg the walmart link is made of fantastical horror and entertainment all wrapped up into one big white trash ball of hee haw. i’ve just added it to my google reader for those days when i think my pants are a little too tight.

      seriously.

      i think this is just the american walmarts, though.

      not that i shop @ walmart or anything. but i’ve driven by a few times.

      andrea
      .-= andy´s last blog ..you know how when rich people say that money can’t buy happiness? that’s a fucking lie. they just say that ’cause they don’t want us not rich people to invade their kick ass lifestyle. =-.

    10. Now that your daughter has started school I assume you’ll be joining the PTA. Good luck with that. Make sure you tell them your Pope story. And that you’re friends with Bill Shatner – make sure you say “Bill” and not “William” or they won’t believe you. Bring Nancy Kappes (post-Judy Garland trail mix) with you to the first PTA meeting just so they know what an asset you’ll be to their fine organization.

      PS – Love the Tenacious D lunch box!
      .-= Sue´s last blog ..Amazon Out of Stock Products List – An Eye-Opener =-.

    11. I took the ‘is your man gay’ quiz.

      I think the fact that I took a quiz to find out if my boyfriend is gay pretty much sums up the fact that I’m gay in the first place.

      Which I’m not.

      I hope he takes the quiz and let’s me know.
      .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..The Unveiling of Mrs. Moog =-.

    12. In case no one has pointed this out (you get way too many comments to check), the “related videos” for your toilet paper ad include Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address and Johnny Depp on the Actor’s Studio. Clearly, they’ve nailed your personality.

      Actually, it also includes Bob Marley and Taylor Swift. Did you have to take a personality inventory before they loaded that thing?
      .-= Megan {Velveteen Mind}´s last blog ..Hurricane Katrina 4th Anniversary: Loads of Hope =-.

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