UPDATED: Yes, I realize Posey is a girl’s name but I thought he was a girl cat when I rescued him and the name stuck. His full name is Posey Von Lichtenstien though so he still feels bad-ass when people call his name at the doctor’s office.

in conversations, If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

Me:  The vet just called.  Apparently Barnaby Jones also needs to have some baby teeth extracted.

Victor:  What the hell?!  I thought you just took him in to get fixed?

Me:  I did.

Victor:  Well, they’re looking in the wrong end.

Me:  They did a check-up too and apparently he needs his wisdom teeth removed or something.  It’s gonna be another hundred dollars.

Victor:  Fuck.  Call them back and tell them to give him a $10 shot instead.

Me:  ?

Victor:  Of antifreeze.

Me: What?!

Victor: What? That’s what I’m doing with you.  You think you’re just sick all the time from some auto-immune disease?  No. I’ve been shooting you up with antifreeze for years.

Me:  Why would you do that?

Victor:  It’s a slow and easy way to die.  You’re welcome.

Me:  If I end up dying with antifreeze in my system you are going down.  I’m writing all of this in my blog right now.

Victor:  Dude. I’m totally just kidding.  But not about the dog.

Me:  You love Barnaby Jones and you know it.  Besides, I need someone furry to snuggle with after Posey’s gone.  He’s like 140 in people years.

Victor:  Seriously? Posey is in the hall right now looking around like “WTF?  Where am I going?!”

Me:  I MEANT WHEN POSEY IS GONE ON VACATION.  POSEY, YOU ARE GOING ON VACATION.

Victor:  He’s totally not buying it.

Posey:  Meow.

Me:  POSEY, YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE, I SWEAR.

Victor:  He looks suicidal.

Me:  He always looks that way.

No, really. He does always look that way.
See. He does always look that way.

Victor:  Okay, now I’m kind of paranoid that you’re going to accidentally drink antifreeze and I’m going to get blamed for it.

Me:  How would I accidentally drink antifreeze?

Victor:  How do you do any of the fucked up things you do? You once accidentally swallowed a needle, for God’s sake.

Me:  BECAUSE *YOU* FUCKING LEFT IT IN MY WATER BOTTLE.

Victor:  You’re very defensive today.

Me:  It must be all the antifreeze in my system.

Victor:  I doubt it.  It’s never had that effect before.  I mean, what antifreeze?

UPDATED: Video of Banaby Jones after surgery.  He had to wear the collar to keep him from licking himself.  And because it was hilarious.  But then we took it off after an hour because we love him.  And because he knocked over a chair with it and practically gave himself a concussion.  We’re not made of chairs, Barnaby Jones.

Comment of the day: Is this the same doctor that squeezed your cat to death? Because I don’t think we should trust him anymore. “Yeah, I know his balls are down there. Just thought I’d check to see if I could charge you with a bunch of shit before I kill this one in front of you.” ~ Lori

111 thoughts on “UPDATED: Yes, I realize Posey is a girl’s name but I thought he was a girl cat when I rescued him and the name stuck. His full name is Posey Von Lichtenstien though so he still feels bad-ass when people call his name at the doctor’s office.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Posey’s vacation will be going to live on a farm somwhere…right?

    Don’t drink the Gatorade in the fridge.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Impact =-.

  3. WTF is wrong with Victor? Needles in your water, intimidating you with threats to kill your dog (I just typoed “god” btw) and injecting you with antifreeze. What a dick! He must just be jealous of all your online fame and fortune.
    .-= Mara J.´s last blog ..Giveaway at My Tea Cups in Peony =-.

  5. That’s why Victor would be dangerous if he was playing mafia wars. I wouldn’t want to mess with him or leave my pet alone with him for that matter. Hope you have put away the rat poison, you never know what he could be putting in your coffee. I’d also consider seeing if they can’t get the cat an anti-depressant, I mean he does look suicidal. You wouldn’t want to have a kitty hanging on your shoulders.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Which Twitter Girl Are You?:Not Everybody is Queen of the Twitter Prom =-.

  7. All of your conversations with Victor sound outrageous and unbelievable. If these are actual conversations, you both have the most interesting marriage I have ever seen.
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Funny Vintage =-.

  8. Posey looks scared. I’m going to put him in a box and take him home with me and hide him in the closet and feed him tuna.

    But then my closet will stink. So maybe I’ll just give him a roast beef and cheese sandwich.

    Unless he keeps Kosher? Please advise if your cat is Jewish.

    PS. Not that carrier I keep the zombie baby in though.

    PPS. Who would win in a cat vs. zombie baby fight anyway? I think the cat.

    PPPS. No. The baby.

    PPPPS. I bet they’d team up and form some kind of weird zombie cat babies and then like, start a war on vampires.
    .-= miss thystle´s last blog ..Stuff about other stuff =-.

  11. Maybe that really cute experiment where you tie one end of a string to the tooth in question and the other end to the doorknob and slam the door? Or was my dad the only one who thought that would be less painful than letting the fucking tooth just fall out on its own…which baby teeth inevitably do. I spit one at my math teacher once. I was just trying to answer the question about fractions, I swear!
    .-= shine´s last blog ..I don’t really see the connection, but maybe it’s just me… =-.

  12. munchausen BY PROXY! now it’s all making sense! you get “better” at your appearances, etc… then you go home and there he is, BAM! trying to get attention by poisoning you! aha! it’s just so evil.

    you better keep an eye on the dog. we can get him out via the railroad. leave the cat, he can take care of himself.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..i’m special =-.

  15. So I was going to be all, “Pssh, everyone knows [insert poison] name works better!” but then I realized I didn’t know how to finish that sentence and Googling for that at work would raise some red flags and then my husband would be all, “WHAT THE HELL?” and I’d be all, “IT WAS FOR A BLOGGER!” and he’d be all, “Is that the same one that was blocked by William Shatner on Twitter?” and then I’d never be allowed to get on the Internet again.

    Also, I had no idea dogs had wisdom teeth. Wow. The Bloggess: Educational AND Psychotic!
    .-= steen´s last blog ..The One Where I Curse. A Lot. =-.

  17. Umm, we were told my cat was a female, so I named her Ava, then she grew balls. I had the balls removed, we still call it Ava, but guests can’t understand it when she licks her penis. My response, she is a hermaphrodite, don’t make her feel guilty for being created that way you motherfucking prick!

  18. OK, so here’s what you do… Buy a gallon of antifreeze and keep it in the kitchen. Each day, pour a little out of the container and dispose of it. If Victor asks about it, tell him it’s nothing to worry about. But stare at him whenever he eats or drinks anything.

  19. The cat doesn’t look suicidal, but homicidal. Do you have stairs? Because you might want to be careful every time you go down them. Or up. You are probably one of those rare people that can fall up the stairs. IJS
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Deadlines =-.

  20. He is totally screwed if something happens to you. Needle left in the water bottle??? That doesn’t sound accidental. Who would do that…… And he says you always do fucked up shit!!!!!!!
    .-= Coco´s last blog ..NATURAL INSECTICIDES =-.

  26. I don’t know, I think Victor is hiding something. I mean, to me, the expression on Posey’s face says that’s she’s…he’s definitely got something to say. If only he could talk. Posey knows stuff.
    .-= residuetiger´s last blog ..Potentially Annoying Words =-.

  30. True story. My grandma always had a half a glass of orange juice in the fridge. She would tell my brother & I not to drink it all the time. I listened. I never knew he didn’t. When I grew up I figured she had vodka in it or something. Brother says it was speed or something. Remembers being really wigged out when he’d drink it. But who ever heard of drinking speed? He’s such a dumb fucker. Just don’t drink the orange juice. It’s. That. Simple.
    .-= AmyAnne´s last blog ..Let’s Rejoice! =-.

  33. Brilliant. That sounds so much like me and my sig other that it is a bit disturbing (in a good, funny way).

  34. Dear Bloggess,

    I am a male cat named Posey (if you knew my owner you would understand). I over heard her say “when I’m gone”. When she and the man realized I overheard her she tried to cover up by saying, “I’m going on vacation.” Yea Right. She is so full of it. I think she is going to try and kill me. My question is, how can I protect myself? I really need your help before she stabs me in the eye or slips something in my water dish.

    Yours truely,
    A very scared pussy

  36. Victor better hope PETA doesn’t see this post because they will attack him with flour for saying shoot the dog up with antifreeze. They won’t care about you though, just Barnaby. Wait, the flour thing might be for wearing fur not antifreezing your dog. Maybe it’s interchangeable though.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..“They’ll have it by Tuesday” really means they’ll have it whenever they hell they feel like it. Apparently. =-.

  37. My cats tend to live to be about 23, which means Percy The World’s Dumbest and Most Hopeful Cat still has a decade left. He’s not sad, like Posey is. He’s always pissed off, I think because that one time in 1997, when the miller moth was in the lampshade, he didn’t get it, and every time he goes back to look for it in the lampshade IT’S NOT FUCKING THERE. And he really loves to eat miller moths, so he remains Ever Hopeful That It Will Reappear and checks back frequently. As in daily. Sitting and staring up into the lampshade. For a moth that surely died 11 years and 364 days ago. I keep thinking that if the miller moth doesn’t reappear soon, he may just go over the fence into the mean dogs’ yard and commit suicide. Which would be sad, but not entirely unexpected.
    .-= lynn @ human, being´s last blog ..Days of Grace: 173/365 =-.

  38. I can’t tell if Posey is looking sad, or contemplative. Or contemplating being sad, because of maybe about to be drinking antifreeze or swallowing a needle. It’s so hard to read cats.
    .-= Kathi D´s last blog ..And so it begins =-.

  39. My friend’s babysitter is named Pansy. He is a huge gay man with tatoos of his ex-lovers’ penises all over his arms and legs. Oddly enough, he is a great nanny and in high demand. Posey doesn’t look suicidal to me, just a tad confused as to why he doesn’t smell as sweet as he should, but not suicidal. And don’t worry about the “gone” comment as it probably didn’t phase him in the least bit. We’re talking about a brain the size of a peach pit here.
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..Home Base =-.

  40. HA! i agree with steve. it’s time to fuck with victor.
    i think you should have have posey stuffed. after he’s dead i mean, not before. that would be fucked up.
    but don’t tell victor, just surprize him one morning and put it in the bed with you. and start talking to him like he;s still there and put him around the house in precarious positions, and always under foot, so he can trip victor.
    and in the pic i noticed he looks like he’s under maryanne’s influence with the all black eyes. your cat watches too much trueblood.

  43. Posey looks exactly like my SIL’s cat, Mandu, just before he went away on vacation. 30 years ago. Malibu is an amazing place for feline holidays, he still sends postcards every month.

  45. Is this the same doctor the squeezed your cat to death? Because I don’t think we should trust him anymore. “Yeah, I know his balls are down there. Just thought I’d check to see if I could charge you with a bunch of shit before I kill this one in front of you.”
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..What You Need =-.

  47. I have never in my life heard about anyone having a dog that needed a tooth pulled. I think your Vet is ripping you off. If the dog does need a tooth pulled do what my dad did with us and tie a string around it and tie the other end to a door knob and then just slam the door. He is kinda light so you might have to hold him tight for it to work. Let Victor hold him because it may be painful and the dog may feel bitey.

  52. Posey looks lik the cat in Shrek……..I’m so coming to pick him up and Hailey……it’s dangerous at your house.

  55. Dude- I was totally there for you when the attemt on your life was made with the needle in the bottle of water. I will totally testify for you, or your estate

  57. I swallowed my retainer once! According to Dr. Google, it isn’t that uncommon. Common or not, it was an expensive midnight snack.
    .-= Haley´s last blog ..Foot to Mouth =-.

  58. I have a boy cat named Alice. We try to tell him it was for Alice Cooper, but it was really for the undescended testicles.

  62. The fucking vet is a damn rip off. I went to bring my dog in for a bath and they wouldn’t touch him because he needed his yearly check up. That included all kinds of random and extraneous shit, and when it was all said and done it cost around 600 bucks to give my dog a fucking bath. I think they expressed his anal glands for free though.

    Bonus!
    .-= Candice´s last blog ..Tales from the Dentist’s office =-.

  64. I would sniff anything greenish in the fridge for a while just to be sure. And I’m kinda disappointed in you… You didn’t even quiz Victor to make sure he was poisoning you with the GOOD Antifreeze. It would seriously suck if you got taken out by the generic half & half shit. At least make sure he’s taking your death seriously by shelling out the big bucks and offing you with Prestone.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Nuclear Band-aids =-.

  66. “They’re looking in the wrong end.” hahaha! I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that antifreeze thing on an episode of Mysterious Diagnosis on the Discovery Health Channel. I can’t remember the symptoms, or if it was painless, but whatever. Also, I think maybe the person didn’t die, but was rather pissed off about the whole thing.
    .-= Brooke´s last blog ..September 1, 2009 =-.

  73. FYI – Barnaby Jones just gave the burglars-who-want-to-burgle-you a tour of your house. It’s like he *wants* you to get burgled.

  75. I love everything about this post (heee-lar-ee-ous) but Barnaby Jones has totally stolen the show. What a monkey. (Thank god they made that cone/collar thing clear so he could better see where he was going. Ahem.)
    .-= Lesley´s last blog ..This Isn’t Even A Real Post But Just a Whole Bunch of Stupid Crap I Photoshopped For My Friend Maureen’s Birthday So You Should Just Skip It Unless You’re Into Either Birthdays That Aren’t Yours Or Big Bunches Of Stupid Crap =-.

  76. Anti freeze isn’t actually that bad for you. It tastes kind of sweet, too. They say it can cause brain damage, but I haven’t noticed any tires in the gravy. If anything, I feel downright staple.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..I need your crap =-.

  80. Think how much better your life would be if you had listened to us and named Barnaby Jones “My Vagina.”

  81. Oh my holy hell – that is hilarious! I mean Barnaby Jones, not you drinking anti-freeze. Although, you might act just like Barnaby Jones did if you DID drink anti-freeze. But I wouldn’t have a cigar afterwards because you might blow up. And Victor would have a REALLY hard time explaining that, because I’m guessing that saying you died of lung cancer from smoking cigars for years and then deciding to kill yourself by drinking anti-freeze and blowing up the house is probably a tough case to prove in court. I should know – but only because I work for a lawyer, not because I’m a suicidal cigar-smoking cancer survivor. Except maybe Posey did it.

  82. Jenny, you need to tell him (Victor, not Posey) that you have juju that is stronger than anti-freeze. Call it “anti-anti freeze”, and when he guffaws at you pull out a thermos bottle of LN2 and pour some in a cup and then pour the anti-freeze into it to make neon yellow-green Dipping Dots! He won’t laugh at you ever again (seriously, if that stuff touches his mouth, he won’t laugh ever again!)

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Hell’s Kitchen: The Fat Lady Sings for… =-.

  83. UM, do not let it be said that I am ungrateful because JENNY I LOVE THAT VIDEO. I read the description and clicked over, and couldn’t even explain what it was to my sister without laughing…”It’s a pug….hahahaha….after surgery heeeheehoohoo…and it belongs to the Bloggess and AHHH LET’S WATCH.”

    Then I laughed until I cried. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  84. Hi. a few things 1. i think I love you but not in a stualkery way unless u like that kind of thing and I can totally arrange it.2. I was unable to stop reading your blog untill i read every page back to the beginning. The kids are hungry and a cat MIGHT have starved to death and quite frankly, I blame you! But really it was totally worth it! I would tell you how awesome you are even more but social services is here about the kids begging for food so gotta go!
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..GUESS WHO GOT LUCKKKYYY =-.

  85. Oh. My. Gosh. I just found your blog – I have been laughing nonstop. And we are in the same town! I had no idea! I already posted about you on my fb…the post about your hubby & mafia wars. I don’t do mafia wars. However, I am slightly addicted to farmtown. I absolutely L-O-V-E your cat and your dog. Just precious! Posey definitely has Puss’s eyes going on. I dog-sat for a lady’s bulldog in college. He had something done where he had to wear a cone but it was frosted AND about 3 times bigger. NOT friendly or proportionate to his body at all. If only I had a video camera back then to record him chasing the milk carton around the back yard with that thing on…

  86. Ok, I’m the kind that sits straightfaced through any and all movies that involve massive amounts of slapstick comedy and people falling down and stuff getting all blown up (read: every movie Jim Carrey ever made.) Just not funny to me. I’m also an animal lover, though not at the PETA/vegan/pleather-only level. So explain to me why watching a stoned Barnaby Jones repeatedly bump that cone into every surface in the house caused me to laugh myself into a coma?! Funniest. Damn. Thing. Ever.
    .-= Babybloomr´s last blog ..A Veritable Hodge-Podge of Miscellania… AND a Caption Contest! =-.

  92. I have an English Bulldog who hates the cone. He’s had to wear it a few times…and he too has fallen asleep sitting up.
    Don’t let Victor near you for awhile…I’d be careful.
    .-= “Seattle” Heather´s last blog ..Lesson 2 =-.

  93. We have a Baroness Lili M. and Duchess Lola Von Hoenhausen, so who am I to wonk on Posey??? RE Victor, “Strangers on a Train”. Just say’n.

  94. Pingback: GoodGoog » Blog Archive » I Have Serious Questions About Her Genetics

  97. I’d rather have a sucidual looking cat, than one that looks like its going to claw your eyes out the moment you fall asleep!!

  99. I’m wiping tears from my eyes I was laughing so hard…

    How do you accidentally leave a needle in someones water bottle?

    Hmmm….I’d look into antifreeze poisoning symptoms.
    .-= Frannie´s last blog ..Voila! =-.

  100. How exactly do you guys talk about this? Is it over the top dramatics screamed across the house or casual coversation over dinner? And is it serious sounding or can you detect a giggle on the edge of your tone? I really must know, for some strange reason. Oblige an inquisitive woman?

  102. Poor Barnaby! I once had to wear a cone because the vet had to take my toenail out. I didn’t like it. And I didn’t like Mama and Dada constantly giggling at me. I may have to blog about that.

    Lots of licks and woofs,

    Puppy Dog
    .-= Puppy Dog´s last blog ..Video – Puppy Dog kills a bunny =-.

  103. Who the hell leaves needles in the flippin’ water bottle!?!? WTF!?!? I’d keep an eye on that Victor guy – and he might be siphoning antifreeze from your car if there are no empty antifreeze bottles lying around. Just sayin’.

    Posey is too darned cute not to get his wisdom teeth out.
    .-= Scribe´s last blog ..It rubs lotion on its skin =-.

  104. The face is indeed haunting – reminds you of that quote about cats leading lives of “quiet desperation.” At least I think it was about cats. It must have been – just look at that face…

  108. Pingback: Cats eat babies. Apparently. — TheBloggess.com

  111. Oh, poor Posey looks so sad in that picture! It’s like he’s pleading with you to give him mercy!

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