Get my husband off Facebook

I started writing this yesterday on twitter and then it got long so I decided to turn it into a post that I finished last night and then I logged on was all “Why aren’t there any comments?” and it was because I never hit “publish”.  I am awesome.

My husband joined Facebook and is refusing to add me as a friend because I’m “too unprofessional”.

Seriously, he added 3 friends and he’s all “I’m done. No more friends until one of them dies”. Social networking is wasted on him.

And he doesn’t even have a profile picture. He just uses that default, faceless silhouette thing. I’m married to *that* guy.

I tried to update his profile and add a picture while he was in the kitchen and he’s all “WTF ARE YOU DOING?”   I’m *helping*, asshole.

It wasn’t even a bad picture. It was a picture of him hugging a monkey and it was very flattering.

In answer to everyone who just asked:  It was flattering to Victor and to the monkey.

Victor just asked me what “Mafia Wars” is.  It’s like I’m living with a 5 year old.

But I did advise him not to join Mafia Wars because I love him.

I also told him if he didn’t “poke” his friends at least four times a day they’d automatically be deleted from his profile.

That’s the kind of shit that you have to expect when you don’t friend me.

Two hours later:

Victor:  Facebook is kind of cool.

Me:  I’m going to murder one of your three friends so there’s room for me.

Victor:  What?

Me:  Nothing.

Victor:  Did you just say you were going to murder my friends?

Me:  What?  No. Why would I murder all your friends?  Where do they live exactly?

3 hours later:

Victor : Oh my God.

Me:  What?

Victor:  Oh. my. God.

Me:  What?!

Victor:  Paul is stuck at the airport and needs some sort of Cuban paperwork to get out.

Me:  Paul?  Your friend from Facebook?

Victor:  He sent me a message for help.

Me:  Dude. That’s Mafia Wars.  Say no.

Victor:  YOU DON’T SAY NO WHEN A FRIEND ASKS FOR HELP.

Me:  Oh my God, you installed Mafia Wars, didn’t you?

Victor:  No.

Me:  *sigh*

Victor: Maybe.

Three hours later:

Victor:  Okay, I just added you as a friend.  Go accept my request.

Me:  No way.  You just want me to join your mafia clan.

Victor:  You are insane.

6 hours later:

Victor:  I’m going to get my hair cut and when I get back you’d better have accepted my friend request.

Me:  ?

Victor:  There is some serious shit going down in Cuba.

Me:  Right.  I’m blocking you now.

Victor:  A FAMILY STICKS TOGETHER.

Me:  You’re making me hurt inside.

Victor:  La Familia!

Me:  It feels all weird when you become the unstable one in our relationship.

Victor:  Dude, I’m just messing with you.  I never installed Mafia Wars. Probably.

Me:  I’m going to set fire to your computer.

Victor:  I have three computers.

Me:  I’m going to set fire to the left side of our house and drag all your computers in there.

Victor:  So, which one of us is the unstable one, again?

Me:  I just wrestled back control, motherf’cker.

Victor:  Dude.  This is just. like. Mafia Wars.

Me: Get out.

Comment of the day: My fiance uses the default facebook photo too. I became annoyed so I changed it to some photo I found in his parents’ old photo album. He was, like, 7 with his pants pulled up to his nipples. A really great photo. He finally noticed when he started getting e-mails from people commenting on his photo. ~ Brooke

172 replies. read them below or add one

  1. My hubby is a huge fan of mafia wars…ach!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..In Lily’s Face… =-.

  2. Absolutely hysterical. Your life is so amusing. Or you are just really imaginative and creative. BTW, thanks for the tip on “Breakin'” yesterday. Sadly, Showtime is one of the few channels I *don’t* have. 🙁 It was on Encore, I think, last month. I must have watched it at least 2 or 3 times. 🙂
    .-= MeredithElaine´s last blog ..Keep your nose to the grindstone. =-.

  3. I totally need to add Victor so he can join my mafia!
    .-= Meredith´s last blog ..Crock Pot Roast =-.

  4. Viking clan is much cooler than mafia wars. I’m just sayin…
    .-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..Finally, An Answer =-.

  5. This is why I keep my husband away from facebook, the less he knows the better. Then again he might find out my real mafia dealings & I’d have to truly whack him. Not just for fun either, which would suck because usually I like to keep my fun time & my business separate. I also think my husband is secretly stalking me on twitter but just won’t admit it, then again maybe not & I just need to get out more.

    I hope Victor has considered friending the monkey as well. Monkeys make excellent hit men/women.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..3 for 3 Friday =-.

  6. Mafia Wars is everything that is wrong with the Internet. I’d much rather take Facebook quizzes telling me insightful details about my life like which “Twilight” character I am.
    .-= Sarah Bellum´s last blog ..Not Exactly the College Bar I Had in Mind =-.

  7. The only answer is divorce. Once Mafia Wars have been installed, it’s all over.
    .-= shine´s last blog ..It’s Friday, we should break up – (Awesomely) Bad Ideas =-.

  8. very stabby nice.

  9. Keep your friends close, and your Xanax closer…

  10. You should cook him some fish and serve it wrapped up in a newspaper. Just sort of “thunk” it down on the plate in front of him and walk away whistling Rat Pack tunes.

  11. So occasionally my husband and I will exchange a series of witty/crazy/nonsensical banter and in the middle of it one of us will look at the other and say, “We’re not normal people, are we.”

    I’m so excited to find other couples like myself and my husband. *wipes tear from eye*

  12. Also, Mafia wars is not the worst it could be – it could be World of Warcraft. I speak from experience here.
    .-= Meredith´s last blog ..Crock Pot Roast =-.

  13. You should put them in his CAR and burn it. That way you are in no way affected. Also, the gas tank will explode, and everyone knows blowing stuff up is AWESOME. You should probably push it off a cliff, too, so it gets the O’Doyle ending it deserves.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..So I Am Apparently Really Late to This Party, But Hopefully You Are Too =-.

  14. The Hubster just joined Facebook. If he even thinks to start with those damn applications I’ll poison his dinner.

    Shit! We’ve got two kids so I can’t very well poison dinner safely, so that plan sucks saggy balls.

    Hmmm … maybe I can poison my vaj ‘cos he’s always in there snoping around.
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..A Special Kind Of Normal =-.

  15. You need some concrete, strong rope, and blowtorch. Not for Mafia Wars.
    .-= Nena´s last blog ..I Do Still Work Out. I Just Don’t Write About it as Much =-.

  16. I try every day to spread the wealth of knowledge and great advice you give here. If only the world had more people that thought like you did it would be a much better place. Less people in it, but still a much better place.
    .-= Mark Brian´s last blog ..Bring the Horses =-.

  17. I have nothing to say except that I’ve never been able to squeeze in a comment in the top 10 comments which is why I’m babbling….and I know by the time I finish this sentence I’ll be like comment #206. That tends to happen here. I am concerned about the monkey actually, I hope Victor’s not one of those people who uses monkeys as stand-ins for human companionship, like that lady in Connecticut whose monkey/lover mauled the other lady’s face. Things are ok between you and Victor, right?
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..Russians Bearing Gifts =-.

  18. Well at least now I know now that Victor isn’t a truck driver, because I seriously instantly thought of BJ and the Bear: http://www.barrelomonkeyz.com/images/monkeys/bj.jpg That would just be a frightening version of life imitating art (?) that we could all do without.
    .-= karen @agentninety9´s last blog ..A Shit Storm of Neurotica (or, my impending vacation) =-.

  19. I have to type my husband’s emails for him… he refuses to communicate via internet personally. He also won’t get a debit card. Sometimes I wish he’d join the last century, at least.

  20. I hate Mafia wars. My husband has a mafia. He logs in under me and plays. So people probably think I PLAY. It is a pointless waste of energy and I would really like to throw the computer out the window because of it. Except it is a Mac and it is mine, so there’s that.
    .-= jen´s last blog ..sound bites =-.

  21. You and Victor need a sitcom.
    .-= Brutalism´s last blog ..Delicate Flower =-.

  22. You have to give him the Mafia kiss on the mouth thing. Or does that not work with married couples?
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..My Ass is Fabulous! =-.

  23. Oh, I’m staying far away from Mafia Wars… far, far away. As if I need more things on Facebook to be obsessed with. That dang Pick 5 is killing me as it is!

  24. Reading this pointless, yet hilarious, post just wasted five minutes of my workday. I am that much closer to going home now. Thanks for that.

  25. That facebook… I don’t know… It’s like being at someone’s wedding reception. You go there with the best intentions. Talk to some friends and family, maybe have a drink or two. Next thing you know, you’re on the dance floor doing the “Chicken Dance” with cousin Ethel, who isn’t really your cousin but you can’t say that because you know what happened last time she got upset.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#77 Button, Button =-.

  26. Next thing he’s going be all “Accept this Corn Plant from my Farmville!” and then “here’s a chair for your YoVille house” then next thing he’s dressing in drag and fighting bitches on Sorority Life. It could happen.

    Better to let him hold a zombie baby and start collecting his life insurance.

    Just saying.
    .-= miss thystle´s last blog ..Stuck =-.

  27. That’s great! I hope I’m the more unstable one in relationships because if someone is more unstable than me I’d kill them…Don’t accept his friend request though – I agree he’s just using you for your mafia expertise
    .-= Jesse Jo´s last blog ..Join the Impact/Prop 8 is bullshit and here’s another person who agrees with me on that… =-.

  28. I discovered my husband joined Facebook about three months after he had when one of those friend suggestion deals popped up in the sidebar and suggested that I add him. I was all “WTF? You didn’t automatically add me THREE MONTHS AGO?” and then I noticed how many friends he had and I was all, “Who is Susan in Sweden and Marcia in Sidney?!”

    He claims they’re no one special to him. He also claims it’s because of Mafia Wars. Every time I try to pull him out, they keep pulling him back in.
    .-= foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog ..do you remember when, yeah, we used to sing… =-.

  29. AHAHAHAHA…just…AHAHAHAHAHA!

    I love reading your conversations. I wish my life was this hilarious. Maybe I should join Mafia Wars.

    But that would make me dead inside.
    .-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..Friday Fill-Ins =-.

  30. Jenny I’m literally going to read this to my husband when he gets home to prove to him that this is an epidemic and that I’m not over exaggerating when I say that Mafia wars is destroying marriages all over the country and that not EVERY wife willingly joins her husbands Mafia. Because we have to take a stand dangit!
    .-= Untypically Jia´s last blog ..Accepting Help When Needed =-.

  31. If there ever was a RIGHT time to drop a horses head on the bed next to him, this is the time to do it! Tell him it’s just part of the game.

  32. I think what Victor will most take exception to is the 1525 other people you *have* friended. Did anyone else notice that friend has become a verb?
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..A Zombie Love Story =-.

  33. My husband is addicted to Farmville and I think it is so stupid. The other day I asked him to help my daughter with her homework and he was all, “but I have to plant my berries” or something retarded like that.

  34. 34
    donnabelle70

    OMG YOU SO ROCK! I love the conversations u & ur hubby have….I read them and ur blog to MY hubby and he thinks its scary how much we are alike lol

  35. Way to get back control. Apparently, he didn’t know who he was fuckin’ wit. LOL!
    .-= Keyona´s last blog ..Car Seat =-.

  36. All of my and Maxim’s mutual friends keep nagging him to put a picture up, but he won’t for some crazy reason. It’s not even like his fb says “Maxim Superior” and we only PM, not write on one another’s walls or thumb the piss out of one another so, y’know, he’s safe….if people see us out in public and recognize me and decide to aim a bullet at my head (which he is convinced is ultimately where my online presence is headed. I! Am JFK!) then the children will still have one parent to raise them.

    I’m thinking about maybe painting that little shadow guy on a pillowcase or paper bag and making Maxim wear it during sex. “What?” I will ask incredulously when he balks, “WHAAAT? Facebook says this is what my husband looks like, and everyone knows that everything on the internet, ever, is one-hundred-per truuuuuue.”

  37. Mafia Wars? Jeez, one more thing I don’t know. Wonder if my kids know about mafia wars? I’m comforted by the thought that Victor didn’t know about it either, and he obviously has tech skills way beyond mine.

  38. “hugging” a “monkey”? OMG!

  39. LOL
    It took over a year to get my husband to join Facebook. He just doesn’t get it.
    .-= Beyond Alice´s last blog ..Over it. =-.

  40. I so want to friend you now just to join your Mafia.

    Did I just say that?
    .-= SupaCoo´s last blog ..Saving Face =-.

  41. This is just too funny! It’s so nice knowing other couples are just as crazy as we are. Actually, you two have us beat. Congratulations.

    BTW, I banned all my friends from sending me Mafia Wars and that weird poke each other shit. That’s just creepy.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..“They’ll have it by Tuesday” really means they’ll have it whenever they hell they feel like it. Apparently. =-.

  42. You should start your own facebook Mafia gang and then run his mafia out of town. Nothing is more disheartening than losing your fake family crime syndicate……nothing.
    .-= HA Guy´s last blog ..How To Know It’s Time For Rehab =-.

  43. I love reading about you and Victor. Srsly. Best part of my day.
    .-= Jaime | Fast Times´s last blog ..Not a real blog. =-.

  44. PS. Is the monkey one of his three friends? If so, I wouldn’t advise going up against his Mafia. Mafias with their own monkeys are pretty much the deadliest social media Mafias known to man.
    .-= HA Guy´s last blog ..How To Know It’s Time For Rehab =-.

  45. You make marriage sound far more interesting than I remember it.
    .-= Peggy Pendleton´s last blog ..I’ve Gone Missing =-.

  46. omg, i hate the mafia wars thing. It updates like a million times and all I see when I’m on my “home” page on facebook is “XXX requested help with the Obtain Compromising Photos job in Mafia Wars.” WHO CARES? BAH.

    And my husband refuses to join facebook so i have the opposite problem.
    .-= Marisa @ Where’s The Party?´s last blog ..I’m giving away something really cool to mark my 5 year blogging anniversary =-.

  47. Well at least it wasn’t farmville…
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..a word from the resident expert on anal play =-.

  48. My husband doesn’t get Facebook either. It’s not cool to do the same thing everyone else is doing. Like the guy who watched Enterprise obsessively just because it was a Star Trek spinoff knows anything about cool!

  49. I was trying to tell my husband this story, but I was laughing so hard that he couldn’t understand what I was saying, but he was laughing anyway and then he realized that part of the reason that I was laughing so hard was that when he joined Facebook, he mistakenly joined Mafia Wars too and I made fun of him relentlessly. So then he stopped laughing and told me to shut up.
    .-= Christine´s last blog ..Delicata Squash… Oh My. =-.

  50. 50
    HEATHER CLARK

    I am freaked out by the no-picture-generic-head-profile pic
    I mean come on, you don’t have 1 decent picture of your face?
    And, I block ALL applications. I have no use or time for farms, vampires, fluffy pets or fake adult beverages.

  51. That’s not a generic head. It’s me. Swear to God. And this is non hair-drying me : http://thebloggess.com/?p=3409

    UPDATED: Hang on. You meant Victor’s generic head. I’m an idiot.

  52. Mafia Wars is for men with smushy little green pea balls. I’m hoping Vic doesn’t qualify, but I don’t want to know either way.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..social media is for losing friends and offending people =-.

  53. My husband just uses Facebook to post photos of DJing narwhals for his own amusement. Here are two that have recently caused him to almost die of laughing-related death:

    http://www.artofobama.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/obama-narwhal-550×409.jpg
    http://media.photobucket.com/image/narwhal%20dj/ducksaucer/narwhal2.jpg

    Admittedly, these are awesome, but I still think he may have finally gone full-retard.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..In which it takes me a very long time to get to the point, the point being soufflé. =-.

  54. Apparently nothing is SACRED any more. I totally feel your pain. My dad joined Facebook yesterday. He friended me and I accepted. How do you say no to your dad?
    .-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Doin’ the iPod shuffle… =-.

  55. Steve’s totally right! You sign up with good intentions and then it just sucks you in. Lucky for me Twitter pulled me out of that quicksand trap… into theirs.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Month 3 Day 29 =-.

  56. I really hate getting Mafia Wars invites on facebook – I just don’t get it. My REAL life is crazy enough, why add to the stress with a computer game? Plus, I don’t know how to play.
    .-= Kelley´s last blog ..A Friday Rant =-.

  57. Within two days of my husband joining Facebook, he had three times as many friends as I did. And when I post sweet-nothings to his wall, he never comments back. So I stalked his page a bit further and I noticed that when his “friends” (as if he even knows 337 people) post to his wall, he never comments back to them either. I brought this up to him and suggested that he may want to actually post comments back to the people that he loves and holds so dear to his heart, and he said, “Oh. I didn’t know you were supposed to do that.” I wish I could say that he makes up for it in person, but sadly, I married him for his money.
    .-= Andrea ´s last blog ..Only the nose knows =-.

  58. If he starts sending “cupcakes” and “lattes” to people it is time to start the intervention.
    .-= tuesday´s last blog ..The Happenings =-.

  59. wait, i thought MY husband was the faceless guy? LOL on Mafia Wars- someone sent me like a cup of coffee from it and i was like ‘what would a mafia person do with a cup of coffee? like hurl it at an old lady or something?’
    .-= marymac´s last blog ..Fitting In Is Totally Overrated =-.

  60. Victor has 3 computers? Is he a hoarder? Does he hoard other things, like peanut butter jars and Ramen noodle spice packets? I had a roommate who hoarded those things and also kept buying apples, and just let them half-rot and half-dessicate in a bowl. I started calling her Squirrel Girl and before long she ditched the apple hobby. Kept the spice packets, though. Freak.
    .-= Deb on the Rocks´s last blog ..Back-to-School Means Wash Your Hands, Especially If You’ve Been Selling Weed. Money is so Dirty. =-.

  61. I just sent you a friend request on facebook. Hint: I’m the one offering to murder “somebody”.
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Girls Are Bitches But Boys Buy You Popsicles =-.

  62. i know that you get this all the time, but i think that you are the most amazing person in the world. i’ve never in my life wanted to friend someone i didn’t really know – it feels like cheating! – but um, hey, so, yeah, do you take random friend requests? or can people just become “fans of” you? i would do that too. (if you’re worried about crazy stalkering taking place, it’s ok. it totally is. but i’m harmless.)

  63. Of course! I’m friends with everyone. Except Victor, obviously.

  64. OK, this is totally off the subject. And none of my business. So of course I can’t resist.

    I thought the very late apology from dooce was lame and self-serving.

    If she is your new best friend, forget I said anything.
    .-= Kathi D´s last blog ..Oh, this blogging life =-.

  65. Hey..you’re married.

    You’re not supposed to be friends.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Born to be Wildfire =-.

  66. I don’t know what’s wrong with Mafia wars…it’s way better than poking, because occasionally you get to kill people. Plus I have like $250,000,000 in my bank. And I generate something like $200,000/hour. That’s the only place I’ll ever find where I’ll make that kind of money. Even though it’s not real.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell =-.

  67. This sounds SO famliar. My husband recently joined facebook “for work” and he wanted to make sure that none of HIS friends could go to MY page because I wasn’t exactly “work friendly”.

    He also sports the no picture silhouette like a complete douche.

    Luckily he doesn’t play mafia wars. He’s too busy with world of fucking warcraft
    .-= Candice´s last blog ..Egg sandwich throwdown, and you with ring side seating! =-.

  68. OMG OMG I LOVE Mafia Wars. And Farmville. And Farm Town. I’m completely and totally obsessed and addicted. It’s a sickness. Truly.
    .-= castocreations´s last blog ..SSP Fundraiser Results =-.

  69. Please don’t talk to me about MAFIA WARS. I hate that stuff, and along with the Farm Town, Pass a Drink! requests, and all the other crap on there… I can hardly keep up with all the stuff on there. My husband is addicted. It’s sad.
    .-= Sincerely, Jenni´s last blog ..A best friend never lets you down, or at least helps you look thinner… =-.

  70. Hi,
    My name is Scott. I have just recently arrived from world far far away. This world is known to most of your kind as “mid-century America”. I am not sure that I grasp the nature of life in your world. So many facets and complexities to consider. It’s as if beings in your world live numerous, parallel lives each with their own conflicts to resolve. How confusing this must be. The one thing which has not changed from my place of origin and your world is that personal stability within the marital environment cannot be achieved.
    .-= scott tennyson´s last blog ..Secretly Gulps Air: a Disability or an Outrageous Diagnosis? =-.

  71. You two live at our house, don’t you! ROFLMAOKHSTC&APMP I’m dying of laughter and hubby is glaring at me. After I got up off the floor and tried to hug him, he raspberried me. {*snicker*}

  72. I told my husband it was completely acceptable to update his status every 10 minutes using the words “Cheetos” “naked” “pudding” “Denny Crane” and “kittens” in some form or fashion. Needless to say, he won’t talk to me while on Facebook and won’t post on my wall.

    Husbands are so fickle.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Nipple Shield =-.

  73. You want I should kick him in the shins?

  74. Victor should write a guest blog….or his own blog that mirrors yours. It’d be interesting to see how he mentally records your conversations.

  75. Yeah, I’m already on twitter’s 140 mafia, I refuse to get on facebook’s mafia wars my family will never see me again cause I’ll lock the door on the computer room and never come out cause I don’t have time. Once I figure out how to friend people that haven’t asked me, I’ll come friend you, but for now, I’m like the idiot sibling that gets locked in the basement again and again cause they keep falling for it… In the world of facebook. I, however, am a twitter queen kind of so I may not get left back in Kindergarten. Maybe.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..LMFAO Friday ~ Hallelujah Chorus Edition =-.

  76. Being Italian and living in a major mob city my whole life, I should probably get in on this whole facebook mafia wars thingy. I never considered it before, but now you have me thinking I should. I bet I’d be quite the player. After all, it’s sorta in my blood and shit. In fact, I’m already ahead in the game. My name ends in a mother fucking vowel for Christ’s sake! I’d be a mob boss in no time.
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..Home Base =-.

  77. I have a number of family members who I refuse to add as friends on facebook. I accidentally added my mom and think she will get her feelings hurt if I remove her…I guess she was going to learn about my shenanagins sooner or later.

    You and Victor need a sitcom on comedy central!!
    .-= Lauren G.´s last blog ..Party in the USA – kill me now =-.

  78. maybe if I tell hubby he’s being normal by joining facebook & mafia wars – he’ll pout off to try to find something more edgy to do and I’ll get facebook back?

  79. Victor is just jealous because he cannot have as many friends as you do. Men are competitive like that. When my husband first joined LinkedIn, he asked me every day, “So how many Connections do you have now?” Dork.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..“Red Dawn! Red Dawn!” =-.

  80. no matter what i can always count on your blog or your twitters to make me laugh…thank you
    .-= kale´s last blog ..re-starting =-.

  81. My husband pretends to not know me when we’re out in public together. Maybe it’s because I’m screaming about Astroglide and nipple cream. But this is neither here nor there, I guess.
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Television Husbands I’ve Loved And Lost =-.

  82. I just found your wonderfully entertaining blog today… well I was directed to it by a friend on Facebook… well you know how that goes. But this time, I can honestly say I laughed with heartfelt mirth instead of at the total insanity and idiotic comments made by an uneducated moron.
    So nice to see someone who writes, and thinks, like I do!
    Thank god! I was beginning to think my sense of humor was out of fashion or something….
    Keep blogging and remember, husbands are always great fodder for the entertainment of others! Oh and so are our progeny, of which I have many… maybe that is why I have a sick sense of humor??? No, never mind, there’s nothing wrong with MY sense of humor at all. I am just not understood by my family and friends… mayhaps I should get some new friends… Hey! I can get them on FaceBook!
    See you in the funny papers!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Family…ties that bind? =-.

  83. Oh my god. It’s so frigging unfair that ONE PERSON gets all the funny in the world and the rest of us have to sit and watch in awe. Damn that Victor. (J/K…probably)
    .-= Candy´s last blog ..Another Stolen Meme =-.

  84. i spend $400 i didn’t have to buy the huz a PS3 so i didn’t stab him to death for obsessing over myspace mafia wars. he was ALWAYS on my comp and using up all my-no-kid-climbing-up-my-leg-so-i-can-play-on-facebook time. and that fucker always left CAPSLOCK on. he used to call me from work to get me to bank his money and do a job. i should probably divorce him for thaat reason alone.

  85. My husband is a douche who won’t even leave me a “Happy Birthday” message on my wall….he thinks wishing me happy birthday in person is enough….No douche bag it isn’t enough!! How will my friends know how much you love me if you don’t constantly post wonderful comments on my wall telling me how amazing I am?!?!?

    but yea…I’m pretty sure a Mafia Wars addiction is grounds for divorce, or at least a steamy affair…your pick

  86. somehow i’ve managed to escape the allure of mafia wars. i can’t say the same about farm town, farmville, restaurant city, pet society, yoville…

  87. Hah! You sad bunch of losers, wasting all of your time on online social media applications instead of getting a life.

    Right, off to check my email, then I’d better update my blog before settling down with Twitter for the evening.

    Fuck.
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..World Mourns IRA Backer =-.

  88. I HATE Mafia Wars. I don’t get it, don’t want to. And everyone I know from work is trying to get me to join it. I swear it’s a ploy to get me fired. You just KNOW they’re playing it during office hours. So stupid. Poor Victor.
    .-= NaysWay´s last blog ..Happy Accidents =-.

  89. Best. line. ever:
    “It feels all weird when you become the unstable one in our relationship.”
    .-= –V´s last blog ..OwowfreakingOW =-.

  90. The day after I finally snap and kill my husband, I’m flying to Texas to put the moves on Victor. I love him. And then we’ll get married in a jailhouse ceremony conducted by a toothless woman named Hank who was ordained on the internet. And then you will have to raise my kids. Please try not to take your jealousy of the special love Victor and I will share out on the children.
    .-= blissfully caffeinated´s last blog ..Guess who’s back, back again =-.

  91. You make my day, like…everyday.

  92. HA! My husband and best friend egg each other on writing inappropriate shit on my wall and then laugh about it because I have to delete them on a regular basis because I made the stupid mistake of accepting CLIENTS AND CO-WORKERS as friends.

    I also made the dumbass mistake of using my “everything” password for Facebook so now my husband can get in and write things on my status update like how hot my husband is.

    I, too, live with a five-year-old man.
    .-= Caroline´s last blog ..Miss J. versus Baby Gate =-.

  93. Mafia wars? What about all the “Take this test and see what “drink” you are” or “Come work on my farm” bullshit? Facebook is for 8th grade boys (But I have an account).

    PS: What was YOUR latest Farkle score?
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Do I Really Want To Celebrate Turning 41…? =-.

  94. Aaaaaaand it becomes more and more evident why you and Victor are married.
    .-= Stimey´s last blog ..It’s Like I Won the Awesome-School Lottery =-.

  95. Wow, that just made my afternoon. Thank you.

  96. I love this post!

    Mafia Wars and Farm Town are like STDs of the Facebook world!

  97. Haha….My fiance uses the default facebook photo too. I became annoyed, so I changed it to some photo I found in his parents’ old photo album. He was, like, 7 with his pants pulled up to his nipples. A really great photo. He finally noticed my handy work, when he started getting e-mails from people commenting on his photo.

  98. Seriously…..Mafia Wars is the ISH…you’re right to worry

  99. Can you wait to set fire to the left side of your house until I can get there so I can throw my husband’s laptop in there? There’s probably enough porn on there to send his and all of Victor’s computers straight to hell.
    .-= Miss Yvonne´s last blog ..Thank You For Being A Friend, Kiwi. Go To Hell, Prunes. =-.

  100. OMG that is so freakin hilarious
    .-= Cyn D Alvarado´s last blog ..Back to school =-.

  101. I had to unfriend my husband on Facebook. Seriously. He was a pain in my ass. I hear him commenting on my Real Life all damned day long, I do do not need him to comment on my Online Life. Total poser.

    P.S. I still want to have sex with him, though. Priorities.
    .-= cagey´s last blog ..Contrite. =-.

  102. i fucking hate mafia wars. and the only reason i have him on my facebook is so i can make sure none of the whores he screwed in high school are talking to him. Not that i am a controlling bitch or anything 😉
    .-= Megan´s last blog ..Random Randomness and such….. =-.

  103. cannot.stop.laughing.
    .-= “Seattle” Heather´s last blog ..Jealous bitches =-.

  104. I AM. NOT. KIDDING. This exact same thing happened to us. I had to set up my husband’s Facebook for him. He didn’t even want it OR want to be my friend. Then Mafia Wars happened. I BEGGED him not to do it. But he did. And we got in a HUGE fight because I wouldn’t join his gang, or whatever. You are so brave to blog about it. I didn’t because I don’t want anyone to know my husband actually joined Mafia Wars.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..I had what she’s having =-.

  105. You should give him something more productive and less obnoxious to do on Facebook… Like play Scrabulous! 😀
    .-= Grizzly Kitteh´s last blog ..yeah I’m totally crazy happy to meet your new boyfriend. =-.

  106. My husband was all snotty about “I wish I (insert long drawn out I here) had time to spend on facebook” but then weeks later I see him as one of his sister’s friends! He made an account but didn’t add his own wife, bearer of his three children! I was feeling quite stabby. I made him add me, and now sometimes he forgets to log off and then I post stuff as him – hilarious.
    .-= craftytammie´s last blog ..it’s in the cards =-.

  107. I don’t add any application to my Facebook account, like I need another online doohickey sucking away my time! Daughter’s and wife send me invites to all sorts of apps and get irate because I don’t add them.
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..Some books for your reading pleasure =-.

  108. The timing of this post is impeccable.. Me and my husband also started playing Mafia Wars recently and when I say my husband is obsessed it is not anything but the truth. I checked our checking account and he has bought the coins to get more energy.. I didn’t dare do it since I didn’t want to get shit from him… Yeah $50 worth of extra coins.. and he got the whole family in on in the in-laws are calling to see if I can send them stuff not asking about their granddaughter just MAFIA WARS!!!!

  109. Jenny, shouldn’t Victor be poking *you* and not his friends?

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..All Your Intarwebz Are Belong To US? =-.

  110. Due to Pirates on Facebook, our dogs have Facebook profiles. And the Pirates freak of our household loved my theatrical reading of this post.
    .-= Fianna´s last blog ..Invasion of the Body Snatchers is Totally in Order. =-.

  111. Yeah, my mom is now on facebook and when I poked her she called me to tell me that was not very nice. That was last month, now she send me like 5 flowers for some “happy patch” I don’t have and when I tell her I always kill plants she says “oh honey, they’re not real.” I’m going into hiding.
    .-= mountainmomma18´s last blog ..This may save someone from a nose punch, but not Glen Beck. =-.

  112. My husband’s current Facebook obsession is Farmville. I have no idea why. He asked me if I’d be interested in being his Neighbor and I said I’d only do it if I could name my farmer Deathbringer because I don’t like farming and would prefer to focus on something wholesome like Vampire Wars.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Dublin Irish Festival Food Miles, or I Ate Haggis and I Liked It =-.

  113. Now that my mom is on Facebook, it’s lost a lot of street cred for me.
    .-= Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy´s last blog ..Breast Cancer 3Day: Pamper Yourself, Help Fund a Cure =-.

  114. Don’t let him get started on Farmville. You will never have time for sex again.
    .-= Donna Hansen´s last blog ..6am Block Party =-.

  115. My husband threatens to change our relationship status to “It’s complicated” if he thinks I’m being unreasonable. He actually did it once and I got emails for days. People really pay attention to that shit. But the upside was, when we finally made up and he changed our status back, it was like falling in love all over again. Seeing that message on your home page — “So and so IS NOW MARRIED to so-and-so” — it’s better than make-up sex.

    Well, almost.
    .-= bejewell´s last blog ..We Got a New Refrigerator But Our House Rejected It Like a Bad Kidney =-.

  116. I have a very uncomfortable picture of Victor sitting at the computer imagining that he is Tony Soprano. I hope you are prepared for Meadow to walk through the door and be annoying.

  117. Stumbled across your site via Poop and Boogies! Must say that I love it 🙂 As for your husband on facebook. Mine … REFUSES … and it kills me! And Mafia wars? No, farm town all the way! Although, right now I’m too lazy to plant in my virtual farm so …
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..Random Thoughts from People Our Age =-.

  118. The answer…get back at him by farming on farmville. It makes my husband crazy when I can’t cook dinner because I’m planting rice. Or I can’t do the laundry because I have to harvest the fruit trees. Or I can’t help lift the car off his leg because the cows need to be milked. See what I mean? You can even send me a friend request and I’ll send you lots of gifts so you can build your farm really fast. Hey, I’m a level 25 already! I’d be a good friend to have! I’m just sayin’.
    .-= Jean´s last blog ..Grandma Bayly Sandwiches =-.

  119. Congratulations! Our selection committee compiled an exclusive list of the Top 100 humor Blogs, and yours was included! Check it out at http://thedailyreviewer.com/top/humor

    You can claim your Top 100 Blogs Award Badge at http://thedailyreviewer.com/blog/9448

    Cheers!

    Angelina…

  120. It’s like you’re married to yourself. I recommend a trial separation.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Braht =-.

  121. I love your blog! I wish my husband would join facebook then we’d both be addicted and he would understand my affliction better. I don’t know what Mafia Wars is either. I’ll ask my 15 year old : )

  122. I swear, getting to your posts always makes me laugh. I try to read yours half way through.

  123. Can I come live with you?
    .-= Susan Lindgren´s last blog ..Sex and the Mom =-.

  124. OMG, hilarious! Totally sounds like one of mine and my husbands convo’s. Except the Mafia wars stuff…we are trying to keep from getting sucked into another time-waster 😉 You’re blog is great.

    Jamie 🙂
    .-= Jamie´s last blog ..Fall Goodies =-.

  125. This totally reminded me to plug in my iPhone so I can add the Oregon Trail. Thanks!!
    .-= Jules´s last blog ..Awards Galore and other fun stuff =-.

  126. That reminds me, I need to go rob a pimp and beat some gangsters.

  127. Never heard of Mafia wars THE GAME. If you owned anything (store, restaurant, you name it) in NYC until the 1990’s you played that one for real.
    .-= jessica´s last blog ..The Bank Job, NOT starring that hot British actor guy =-.

  128. so, my baby, his middle name is victor.
    that’s all.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..Enlightenment In The Form Of Nature aka, Crickets and Locusts and Children, Oh My. =-.

  129. I had to block my husband because he kept posting You Tube videos from the 80’s. NOT EVERYONE LOVES ADAM AND THE ANTS AS MUCH AS YOU DO, HONEY!

  130. I don’t know if it is because I am pregnant or because of the fact that you are so damn funny…but I peed a little when I read your post.

    thanks for the laugh.
    .-= Jasmine´s last blog ..What Not To Wear…. =-.

  131. Seriously though….Mafia Wars is the shit…and Im *not* just saying that because I’m addicted.

  132. People are always trying to get me to join Mafia Wars…I grew up in Jersey…why would I want to do that….I live d with dat. Yo..

  133. That post just made my day!!
    .-= Graygrrrl´s last blog ..It’s Saturday, so let’s be random: =-.

  134. My husband has worked in high-tech for 15 years. I had to install our new wireless printer. He’s on Facebook, but I had to show him how to use the privacy settings. How they’d function without us I do not know.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..Big Titties are Awkward and Aspies Unite =-.

  135. My boyfriend is so paranoid of social networking that I’m not even allowed to use his name on my FB profile – so I only refer to him as “the boyfriend”, except now you’ve inspired me to be more creative and I think I’ll start calling him George Clooney.
    .-= PoochMom´s last blog ..How I chose my baby’s name =-.

  136. You’re lucky, at least Victor left the house to go get his haircut. My husband sits and stares at Mafia Wars waiting for his energy to go back up…it takes 5 minutes for each point, so he sits there doing nothing for about an hour, then we have a conversation that goes like this:

    Him: Hey babe (not even looking away from the screen)
    Me: Hmm? (as I am wrestling our 11 month old to change his diaper)
    Him: Could you please get me something to drink?
    Me: Yes I can, but I won’t.
    Him: (finally looking at me as I finish diapering the demon child) Why not?
    Me: for one you are exactly four feet from the kitchen and two, I don’t want to be an enabler.
    Him: an enabler? I’m not an addict
    Me: Riiiight, because it is so normal to stare like that for an hour.
    Him: (grumbling) at least it isn’t p0rn
    Me: heh, p0rn is normal

    SO obviously I win the conversation and he gets his own damn drink. Then just to add to my point I allow the demon child to crawl over and push the blinky blue button on his computer thereby shutting it down. Demon Baby loves the reaction he gets…and so do I. LOL

    –Aileene

  137. My mom even has facebook now. She friend requested me but I told her to suck it. Or hit ignore. Which was less climactic
    .-= Prosy´s last blog ..Squirrel Rat Thing Attack =-.

  138. The kid, given the best/craziest of each of your genes, is going to rise up the family ranks and SHOW YOU ALL WHO’S BOSS. I call it.

  139. Being crazy enough to participate in Mafia Wars absolutely trumps being crazy enough to burn down half of the house.

    Now, if you burn down the whole house…
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..She’ll be a woman, soon. A hairy, hairy woman who can reach anything she wants in the whole wide world. =-.

  140. If Victor joined facebook does that mean I am the last person in the world who doesn’t have it? gee whiz!
    .-= Deidre´s last blog ..Updates on Snot and Birthdays (how exciting!) =-.

  141. Is it sad that the only reason I wanted my husband to join Facebook was so his name would show up in the “married to” field? I needed a name to put there. Ryan Reynolds kept denying my requests to be my spouse so I had to resort to the real one.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..Caaaaaable Guuuy! =-.

  142. OMG! I am crossing my legs ’cause I’m going to pee my pants. This is hilarious! And my husband was “that guy” but then he got totally into the competitive “how many friends do YOU have?” with me and it was all down hill from there!
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..News Flash! Average is Beautiful. Then Why Am I Having a Fat Day? =-.

  143. 143
    CatherineM

    All my in-laws are on FB and they all play Mafia Wars. I’m considering hiding them….

  144. True story: My husband is not allowed to be friends with me on social networking sites anymore. He found my “secret” Twitter account, then he got mad cause he read my blog… Which he found through Twitter. So I blocked him from Twitter, then he got made and removed me as his friend on Facebook as “retaliation,” and said his relationship was “complicated.” Then I updated my status and he wanted to see what I had said but he couldn’t because we were no longer friends. Then he begged me to re-friend him. I did… But blocked him a few hours later. He still hasn’t noticed.
    .-= FutureMama´s last blog ..The Stress =-.

  145. Funniest blog post ever. My bro (who’s my roommate) is exactly the same…LMAO

  146. True: Just now, I went into my husbands Facebook account and wrote his status: “I am married to the best woman in the world.” Then I went into my account and commented on his “Honey, that’s so sweet.” He does not know how a computer works and will sit there looking for the “any” key. (Press any key). He has asked me to delete his FB because “that’s where all spam comes from hon.” But I can’t. I’m having too much fun.
    .-= edenland´s last blog ..A Guest Post from Rocco, entitled "Motherducker." =-.

  147. HAHAH omg I love you. Not in the creepy stalkerish way, but in the holy-shit-I-can’t-believe-how-funny-you-are-please-let-me-stalk-you way.

    P.S. I promise I’m not going to stalk you.

    P.P.S Where have you been all my [blogging] life!??

  148. Totally hilarious. Just pee’d myself laughing.
    .-= Venus´s last blog ..Cakes and Cinema =-.

  149. 149
    shalenepaige

    ok I always laugh reading your posts because you’re pretty fucking hilarious, but I am actually crying laughing right now. right on, bloggess. right on.

  150. I created a facebook account for my hubby right about when I got obsessed with it myself. Now, it’s just yet another public place where he can socialize with everyone but me. FUN. And then, today, he comments on one of my status updates to REPLY TO MY FRIEND. Not to talk to ME. Oh, no. Of course not.

    *ahem* I might have forgotten that I live with the man, and I can talk to him whenever I want. Except that I’m on facebook when he’s home.
    .-= psumommy´s last blog ..My Non-Mom’s-Night-Out =-.

  151. Just be happy that Victor is playing Mafia Wars and not Farkle or Bejeweled Blitz. He isn’t sending fake drinks to his “friends” either, is he? I don’t think I could be married to someone who emails fake alcohol to his “friends” to get them “drunk.” Look how many quotes I’ve used. Is anything real on Facebook? That’s why we’re all there.

    Going to play Las Vegas Slots…
    .-= Sue´s last blog ..Amazon Out of Stock Products List – An Eye-Opener =-.

  152. Can you figure out a way to get my husband to stop stalking me on twitter?….I don’t want to block him b/c that is too obvious……oh I know– I need to learn his password and change it on him…No, then but he can get a new one…ok….Fuck….how are we going to do this??
    .-= Agent Dragonfly´s last blog ..Getting Fit for REAL DUMMIES =-.

  153. 153
    groovey cakes

    i love you so fucking much. my husband is the same way. “i don’t need the internet to socialize”
    two weeks later, “oh my god! i’m totally like level 50!! i need a diamond ring, do you have one? you should send it to me. oh shit i can’t do anymore jobs! hurry. right now. go log on and send me some.”
    “i’m doing homework.”
    “but i need energy! here, what’s your facebook loggin, i’ll just send myself some.”
    “get the fuck off my computer.”

  154. 154
    groovey cakes

    p.s. Sarcastica says she loves you… but not in a creepy stalker way.
    i totally do. i love you so fucking much. you want to know who’s scratching your window? that would be me.

  155. I hate the Mafia Wars, and I really really hate that my BF can play that stupid “game” on both Facebook AND CrySpace, all day long, til the cows come home. Btw, is it even a game? I don’t even know what to call it. He also doesn’t have a real picture on his FB profile, deletes everyone’s comments on his wall (even mine), and left FB for like 3 months just b/c his MOTHER wanted to “friend” him (okay, he was kind of smart for that one).

    My conclusion? FB is the devil.

    I say burn down the house.
    .-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Chirp. Chirp. =-.

  156. Tell Victor I need him to join my Mafia. Family has to stick together. 😉

  157. What is this FaceBook…?! ; )

  158. married people shouldn’t be allowed on facebook. you’re boring. that’s why. nobody cares about your new patio, or your vacation pictures, or your uncle in the crazy hat. go away.

  159. Okay, I’m going to have to give up WoW time to read your blog because I laugh so hard I can’t answer the phone at work.

  160. my husband is a rpg junkie…i mean all hours of the night kind of junkie. He wakes up…he plays. He comes home…he plays. We have sex….he gets up directly afterwards and plays. It’s driving me mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  161. My husband won’t sign up on Facebook. Maybe that’s a good thing. It’s bad enough that he comes straight home from work where he works on computers all day and… gets on the computer to play City of Heroes all evening.

    I play Mafia Wars. It amuses me. I had someone try to tell me I absolutely HAD to have ‘2 sets of weapons, one for offense and one for defense’. I laughed in his face. He didn’t appreciate that much. I died a few times. Whoops.

    THen you get the ones who get tired of being sucker punched and ask me to join their Marfia. Well, maybe you shouldn’t have attacked me out of the blue, then you wouldn’t get sucker punched.
    .-= Wolf´s last blog ..Daring Bakers Sept Challenge- Vols-Au-Vent =-.

  162. […] speaking of which, while you’re in the neighborhood, I also recommend her post, “Get my husband off Facebook” — I adore her husband, Victor, too. Where was I? Oh, right — the link from The […]

  163. i hate mafia wars, it has taken over my husbands life, not only is it all he does when he’s home chatting with his buddies from it on im from the moment he walks in the door, till he passes out late at night, but it’s now progressed to text messages and phone calls all day long and all night long, it’s out of control, i’m gonna have to raise the minutes on our cell phone bill if it keeps up, and it’s like hello i’m pregnant with your child , will you get up off of your ass and help me out a little bit, but no he doesnt take suttle hints, i’m just gonna freak out one day maybe that will get his attention

  164. Ok so I just found your blog when I googled “wives whose husbands are addicted to farm town” to funny huh? Luckily, my DH has not found Mafia Wars, but I am sure that’s right around the corner. I guess the part that’s so damn hilarious to me is how he use to give my mom hell for playing farkle all the time and when I would read stories from Fanfiction.net he would complain about how long I was on the comp, and look at him now. He gets home around 6:15PM and from then until he passes out late at night he’s on Farmtown and Farkle! It drives me crazy, I’m like hello I know you work 5 days a week, sometimes more than 40 hours in a week but hello I am here don’t forget about me!!! Maybe if I had some dice to throw or some trees or berries to plant I could get some attention….

  165. 165
    Lady Penelope

    C’mon Bloggess, *surely* there is a taxidermic horse head just *lying* around that *mysteriously* ends up on Victor’s pillow in the morning…

    P.S. I tried typing ‘taxidermied’ (which totally sounds right to me) but spell check told me it’s ‘taxidermic’.
    Really, spell check, REALLY?

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  169. 169
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  171. 171
    mark franklin

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