This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t an asshole):
This week on the internets:
- The Bloggess Army opened up. I don’t run it, or write it, or even have access to it. It was created by the self-named Bloggess Army who made it their mission in life to violently force William Shatner to unblock me on twitter and then after he did they wandered around aimlessly, bumping into walls and not showering. Then they decided since no one else was blocking me at the time they’d focus their army on promoting worthy, non-ridiculous causes instead and even started a website. Then they’re all “That’s okay, right?” and I’m like “NO. You are supposed to be getting Amy Sedaris to be my best friend, you assholes” and they’re all “But…childhood cancer awareness? Maybe that’s important too?” and I’m like “IS IT AS IMPORTANT AS ME BEING ABLE TO BRAID AMY SEDARIS’ HAIR WHENEVER I WANT TO?” and they’re all “Uh. Probably?” This is exactly why most people don’t even bother to have minions. Also, I didn’t like their banner so I had to make one for them. It’s like I’m working for them. Plus, I’m pretty sure childhood cancer still exists even though the website’s been up for fucking days now. So, yeah, we all lose.
- Yesterday fark.com put me on their front page and called me “amusing”, which was very flattering. Then I got flooded with comments like this: “You’re so fucking pathetically retarded that it’s cringe-worthy. Your husband’s a strong man dealing with a women [sic] who’s [sic] intelligence rivals a brain-damaged squirrels [sic].” Honestly, it’s like he was trying to cheer me up.
This week on my mommy blog on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- “Remember, only one of the two tubes is safe”
- I wanted to put this on my mommy blog but I thought I’d probably get fired even though I don’t technically work there.
- Pole-dancing doll – It might exist.
- Sometimes I love Fox News.
35 thoughts on “Yesterday would have been more exciting if I got paid according to traffic.”
Read comments below or add one.
Hey, don’t knock the brain damaged squirrels they make great pets. It’s just the drool that gets to me.
Great week if you like those kinds of things. Which I do, of course.
You become more fascinating to me every day I know you exist. Although it freaked me out a little when I went to the #ba site, I was a little enthralled, too. The interwebs! It just brings us so, so many things to entertain!
Anyway, since you got yelled at a lot, I thought you should know I read your blog post to three different people over the phone yesterday, and emailed it to a couple, too, because it was just that good. Which I guess doesn’t really counteract all the yelling and name calling, but every time I read it, I got to laugh again too, so there’s that. This is my way of saying thanks. Happy Sunday!
.-= Bella C.´s last blog ..That lawnmower went a little too far this time… =-.
According to Fark commenters you are Asian and cheating on Victor. Why don’t you tell us these things Jenny?
.-= laanba´s last blog ..A** Kicking =-.
Also, Victor and I are apparently both homosexual. No one even told me.
I got the warm fuzzies because you mentioned the doll, makes me so proud. I found something you like.
I’ve been reading your blog the past couple of days and I totally have a girl crush..you are sooo hysterical.
I’d like a sip of your Kool-Aid. Must be really trippy.
.-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Yo, Dude =-.
Hey, don’t take the Fark guys personally. They hate EVERYTHING.
Well, I just recently found your blog and it definitely brightened my week so tell the people on fark that there is at least one other brain-damaged squirrel in the world because it’s like you are reading my mind!
Okay, d’ya know how pissed i am that CommentLuv works on YOUR site, but not mine? Way. Way pissed.
But, on topic: The Bloggess Army kicks fifteen different kinds of ass. I’m considering putting Mayopie up for Canonization, but I’m not sure you can make someone a Saint until they’re dead. If I get lucky and catch the Pope on a good afternoon, when he’s all sleepy after a big Kitten Buffet, it just might work.
.-= Ri, The Music Savvy Mom´s last blog ..Part 1 – Interactive Playlist #4: Movie Soundtrack Music =-.
Men bitching that women aren’t funny. Where have I heard that before? No, not on Fark. Oh I remember, my 23 years as a standup and having to listen to that all day. Like, 15 of us made it out in the 80’s, all the rest got married.
Victor looks gay to me.
.-= Suzy´s last blog ..All The President’s Men =-.
You don’t need me to tell you but you’re the funniest person I read. I’m also in a repetition compulsion right now. That first sentence came out weird.
.-= Suzy´s last blog ..All The President’s Men =-.
I love the guy holding the bear cut out. Like, we really need a fake bear, to show us that there was a bear. And there has to be a guy holding the bear. “You can’t see me!!!
I think you’re pretty hysterical so I guess that makes me a fan of brain-damaged squirrels. I’m fine with that, really.
.-= Classy Bitch´s last blog ..Damn the Man =-.
We farkers don’t hate everything Randi. It’s just funner and damned easier to snark. I imagine there’s plenty more like me who was introduced to the site yesterday and spent a good bit of the day reading through the archives and couldn’t stop laughing and will keep coming back.
Wow. What an eventful week. Now mine just seems kind of shitty. So thanks for that.
.-= Wendy´s last blog ..10 Ways You Didn’t Know You Could Use Coffee Filters =-.
That comment pisses me off. Bigot, sexist, & bad speller all rolled into one. What a winning combination.
But how did you & Victor BOTH not know you were homosexuals? What are the odds?
.-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Labor Day Staycation Sounds Better Than Just Hanging Out =-.
Yes obviously your army should be trying to get Amy Sedaris to be your friend. I can’t believe you even had to tell them that.
.-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: You’ve Got Unpopular Blog! =-.
That was the first time I ever visited Fark.com. It may be a while before I go back.
.-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Geoengineering may be it, Royal Society says =-.
Love your site! Even though you did not create this, I have to thank you for pointing me in the direction of the “Cleaveland Bear Sighting”! That was the best 5 mins of my week!…..but then again I had a shitty week! Thanks!
Love it! Finally, someone as demented as I!
I don’t care what they say…You are funny as shit! Well on second thought I guess I’ve never really found shit to be that funny, except for the time that my dog pooped in the shape of a heart, but then that wasn’t really funny, just artful. You get what I’m trying to say anyway right?
.-= Grace Matthews´s last blog ..All I Want for Christmas Is a Penis Chandelier! =-.
We have to make this happen: I need to be reading Amy Sedaris’ best friend’s blog.
Now, how many hobos do we have to kill?
.-= Azucar´s last blog ..True Blood and Vegetables =-.
the bear! re-created possible sighting! oh shit, that’s just too much fun for a monday night.
.-= bea´s last blog ..so that’s what it’s like when readers don’t agree with you, or each other =-.
I found your blog on Reddit and then saw it again on Fark (same post, about the robot GPS idea). For some reason, a few comments were left by people who didn’t get that is was comedy. Anyway, you ROCK! Keep it up! 🙂
Wow, you have an army? I don’t have an army. I just have a flock of brain damaged squirrels who eat our birdseed.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Labor Day =-.
Amy Sedaris could totally rock French braid pigtails, too. What a waste.
.-= LiLu´s last blog ..I’m Probably Going to Lose Half My Readers For This And I Don’t Even Care. =-.
I love the array of topics…a little something for everyone. But you know what would be cool. If you were friends with David Sedaris thus mocking Amy with your friendship thus making her jealous and wanting to be your friend and you saying you’ll think about it 🙂
p.s. It’s interesting that both you and Victor are homosexuals. Good for you. Let us know when you get your toaster 🙂
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Laborless Day =-.
Wow, FoxNews….trying to keep your production costs low? You couln’t even rent a bear costume?!
“This is what the bear probably looked like. Except real.”
Way to recreate it, FoxNews. It’s like a big cardboard cutout of myself was there.
This response is to Jenny the Bloggess who left the #4 Comment: You forgot to add “Not that there is anything wrong with that.” This disclaimer will help you out later whenever you talk about being homosexual or Asian. Or is it only necessary if you are inferring that someone is one? I can’t remember. Sorry. I am an idiot. Not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you.
.-= submom´s last blog ..Twitter Douche Bot is a Douche indeed… =-.
What the fuck is a donkey punch and admit it, you totally made that up…it sounds exactly like you.
Also, the Bloggess Army sounds like something I should fear? Should I? I think I’m afraid. I didn’t understand what it does when I read their description of (Her? is it one person? WTF???!!!! I’m so confused) and I didn’t learn much more from yours – not your fault, I’m a little slow. I feel like I fell down the fucking rabbit hole…Is that not a picture of YOU on another webpage and then some really nice and helpful and positive shit about curing cancer?
Am I lost??
.-= Well Read Hostess´s last blog ..Comment on B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was her name-OHMYGODWEHAVEADOG =-.
The Fox clip:
“……..except real.” HAHAHAHA
I love the Bloggess Army. I love it that they don’t shower.
Fark.com picked a really good post to feature. I dare say it’s one of your best, and you should be proud.
.-= Shawn K. Quinn´s last blog ..The $2,520 question =-.