Also, if you want to make your cell phone charger more noticeable you can put glittery stickers on it or just set fire to it.

You know what would suck?  If you taped a brick of cocaine into the inside of the toilet tank in your hotel so that the maids wouldn’t find it but then you forgot it when you checked out and remembered it when you got back home and now you can’t even call and ask them to send it to you because it’s fucking cocaine. I bet that happens all the time.  That’s why I always check the inside of my hotel room toilet tanks for left-over cocaine from the last people who stayed there.  I never find any.  Those people must have better memories than me.  Not that I forget my cocaine in hotels.  I usually just forget my laptop charger.  I only check the toilets because I don’t want to get busted for having someone else’s forgotten toilet coke in my room, not because I’m personally seeking out toilet cocaine.  I don’t even do cocaine. Ever.  Except one time I did it accidentally in college and it gave me a horrible migraine and I threw up a lot.  In all seriousness, that shit sucks.  Avoid. My point is though that I’m forever leaving behind my laptop cord in hotel rooms even though it’s always in plain sight plugged into the wall so I have no excuse for forgetting it, so I imagine that trying to remember the cocaine you hid in the toilet is probably way worse.  That’s why I’d hide my cocaine on the ceiling.  That way the maids wouldn’t ever notice it when they made the bed but the first thing I’d see when I opened my eyes in the morning would be a brick of cocaine duct-taped to the ceiling and then I’d be all “Oh yeah.  That’s where I put that.”    Actually, I should probably start doing that to my laptop cord.  Except that it’s white and hotel ceilings are always white too so I probably still wouldn’t see it.  It’s like the hotels *want* me to leave my charger behind.  The laptop people should make cords that are impossible to overlook when you’re packing.  I would buy a million of those.  Or I guess just one actually because I’d never lose it again.  That’s probably why no one has ever invented one.  No profit in it.

Updated:  OH MY GOD I JUST HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA. Next time I’m at the hotel I’m going to zip up a jacket around the cord and then it’ll be totally obvious.  Or if it’s too warm for a jacket I’ll put a hat on it.  The point is that I’ll totally notice it and will remember to pack it later and also the hotel maids will be all “WTF? Why is she dressing up her laptop cord?  Somebody check the toilet for drugs.”  Which is why it’s good that I don’t hide coke in toilets.  Because sometimes “genius” is mistaken for “drug-induced delirium”.  That’s why if Thomas Edison was alive today he’d always get hassled by the drug dogs at the airport.

Updated X 2: I wasn’t sure if you actually buy coke in “bricks” and I didn’t want to get made fun by the hipsters for using the wrong nomenclature so I googled it and this is the first thing that popped up:

"How much does a kilo of bacon cost?"

"How much does a kilo of *bacon* cost?"

Awesome.

Comment of the day: I once left my Mother in a hotel room. Totally forgot her. My wife and I left with all the rest of our stuff, and we just forgot she was sleeping in another room. Man, was my face red. You know the funniest part? We, like, totally looked around the room three times thinking we’d forgotten something, and we found my toiletry bag and were like, “Oh my gosh, imagine if we’d left that! What a relief!” ~ Fuiru

134 replies. read them below or add one

  1. It scares me to know that I totally understand where you are coming from.
    .-= Toy With Me´s last blog ..The Titty Fairy Pays Me A Visit =-.

  2. Well everything IS better with bacon.

  3. No one be payin’ 35 a brick for bcaon either, fo shizz.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Dinner was fabulous. Wish you were here. =-.

  4. This reminds me of the time my grandfather told me how to hide a wallet inside a hotel-room commode using a condom.

    Also: Thanks; I’ve had that forgot-my-brick-of-cocaine-in-the-hotel-room thing happen more times than I’d care to recall.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Get real =-.

  5. Um … I wanted to be sure I was spelling “fo shizz right” so I Googled it and then reread my comment after hitting “submit” and then realized I misspelled bacon. Which is my third-favourite vice, and now I’m embarrassed.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Dinner was fabulous. Wish you were here. =-.

  6. Its post like this that make me love your friggin guts woman
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..Sometimes being a single mom blows =-.

  7. If I had a kilo of bacon, I would hide it in the mini bar to keep it cold, but did you know that hotels sometimes put sensors on things in the mini bar so that if you empty it to use the cooling space for your bacon OR your drugs, you might get charged for the little baby wines? Also, I recently stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel and they had a “lovers’ kit” in the mini bar, complete with warming lube and his ‘n hers vibrating O rings. I TOTALLY moved it like 100 times because I had to show everyone that it was in there, and about the 93rd person told me about the sensor things but I went ahead and showed it to the last 7 people anyway, because at that point I sort of dared the hotel to charge me for a pair of unused vibrating O rings.
    .-= Jacquie´s last blog ..froggy day =-.

  8. I personally think they should make hats specifically for laptop chargers, or in my case, cell phone chargers. If it were cute, I’d never forget it. Ever. I’d take it out to show people, “see look at my cute phone charger! I love the polka-dots” and I could coordinate my outfits to match. Except that I don’t have that many clothes, so I’d probably not match, and there’s a better chance I’d actually clash, and we can’t have that. Except now, my phone charger is black, not polka dotted, and so it goes with everything, which means that I am never not matching, unless of course I don’t have it with me, as usual. Because I fucking forgot it since it’s not polka dotted.
    .-= Andrea/ShutterBitch´s last blog ..Packing the Knitting =-.

  9. Oh my god, bacon. How much is a kilo of bacon, because that shit is gold.
    .-= Andrea/ShutterBitch´s last blog ..Packing the Knitting =-.

  10. sound advice and just in time for christmas.

  11. “Okay, but no one be payin 35 a brick”

    Srsly, wtf happened to spell check? Or did they add Ebonics as a checkable language?
    .-= Jaime´s last blog ..Mish-mash. =-.

  12. You know those people who are always telling us that food we like is bad for us? Yeah, when they get their way, bacon will be illegal. Just like cocaine. And then people will be smuggling bacon, and there will be bacon lords and bacon dealers and bacon mules, and people will crowd into the bathroom at clubs to eat bacon. Except where doing coke makes people skinny and strung out and nervous, bacon makes us fat and placid. So it will be much more awesome. Also, there will be much less training needed for the dogs.
    .-= Ken´s last blog ..Urban Flooding =-.

  13. you can put your cell phone charger on the floor near the door. So when you will enter your room must be able to see or if you are a forgetful person you can use the alarm.
    .-= jagoane´s last blog ..Membuat komik tanpa harus pintar menggambar =-.

  14. I have this highly techinical system where I put the end of it in my purse. Or tie it to the handle. Which is awesome, because if it’s still plugged in, then I get yanked back when I grab my purse and haul tush out the door. It’s genius. And a little like a Scooby Doo cartoon…..

  15. Great, now I want bacon. Like, badly. Enough that I’d sell my brick of co………………………………………………………………………………………………….

    I mean, I’d sell this brick that I happen to have.
    That isn’t a brick of cocaine.
    Nope, just a brick.

    Excuse me for a second.
    .-= Natalie´s last blog ..A Day in the Life of Mommy and Baby =-.

  16. But seriously, if you had a kilo of bacon why would you even WANT a kilo of coke? I myself prefer Dr Pepper, to each his own.
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Today is National Babbling Day – Blah, blah, blah =-.

  17. […] possible that the Bloggess is a little too imaginative to be a good drug […]

  18. The last time I checked inside the hotel room toilet tank all I found was some gross brown slime stuck to the drain, and a gun. I think the Godfather was there before me. I smoked the brown stuff and left the gun for the next occupant. I’d like to say I did it out of kindness but really I was just high from the toilet slime and forgot to take it with me when I left with my hooker friends.
    .-= bejewell´s last blog ..The Old Days Were Both Terrifying and Awesome =-.

  19. So if you wanted to hide your laptop charger or your coke, you could totally stick it in a condom and stuff it up… err….

    Wait.. bacon?
    .-= Birdie´s last blog ..Cydwoq Shoes =-.

  20. Awesome.

    That DEA is totally following your blog now.

    And quite possibly your person.

    Think about that the next time you check-in to a hotel.

    They’ll be in the next room listening.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Tuesday Quickies… =-.

  21. I get what you are saying! I always forget my cord too. It totally sucks to get home and have to call them to have your cord sent to you! I like the jacket trick though.
    .-= Margaret´s last blog ..Funny Staff Meeting =-.

  22. Leaving Vegas after an all night party, my friend realized she THREW AWAY a bunch of coke in the hotel trash.

    Talk about a weary, quiet ride home.
    .-= Joey´s last blog ..Simple solution: slumber parties *galore* =-.

  23. Wrap the recharger in bacon.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Potty Mouth Mommy =-.

  24. Now imagine bacon wrapped cocaine. It’s got to be the most amazing party appetizer ever…until you dipped it in ranch or cheese, and then you’d have trifecta of party perfection.
    .-= Virginia´s last blog ..Bad Be-Hive-ior =-.

  25. I can always count on your for a great laugh. I’ve never looked inside the hotel room toilet… nope, not going to either, I’ll just have to explain to the cops that it’s not my cocaine.
    .-= Julie @ Life Domestic´s last blog ..Sharing Six Sensational Sites =-.

  26. your blog posts always get the awesomeist comments. Oh, screw off, spell check, awesomeist is SO a word.
    .-= Pando´s last blog ..Yep. Still pregnant. =-.

  27. Awesomist? Damn, not a word either.
    .-= Pando´s last blog ..Yep. Still pregnant. =-.

  28. Once in high school a boy asked me if I wanted any “ludes” and I responded, “No! I don’t smoke that stuff!” I was teased beyond belief for my ignorance of illegal drugs. So, yeah. I understand your need to look that sort of shit up when you aren’t actually a drug pusher or thug.
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..Those Little White Words =-.

  29. Um, cocaine is white, too, so it would blend in really well with the ceiling. What you need is to draw a smiley face on the outside of it with lipstick and then ductape that to the ceiling. That would be a nice way to wake up.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..I Confess: I Did It =-.

  30. Can’t think of longer think to type. So

    Happy Tuesday!
    .-= Maicon Soares´s last blog ..Never giving up =-.

  31. HAHAHA, OMG, that is a brilliant idea, jacket for the cord when it’s cold and hat when it’s hot. Now all you gotta do is add some FAB bling to it!
    .-= Violet´s last blog ..Looking For Those Better Days =-.

  32. Next time I am in a hotel I will definitely check my toilet for bacon.

  33. I once left my Mother in a hotel room. Totally forgot her. My wife and I left with all the rest of our stuff, and we just forgot she was sleeping in another room. Man, was my face red. You know the funniest part? We, like, totally looked around the room three times thinking we’d forgotten something, and we found my toiletry bag and were like, “Oh my gosh, imagine if we’d left that! What a relief!” Ha ha ha ha ha!
    .-= Fuiru´s last blog ..I am Somewhere Else Today =-.

  34. Just get one of those retractible keys thingies, attach one end to the cord and the other to your suitcase. Chances are you won’t leave without your suitcase behind. Of course, if you’ve got a bunch of stuff that you forget a lot, your hotel room ends up looking like abstract sculpture.

    Maybe you should just write up a “duh” list and tape it to the inside of your suitcase lid. I keep my “duh” list on my phone but that only works if you remember to look at the list before you leave. For that, you can set up google calendar to email you on the day you leave. But that only works if…

  35. Bacon = Meat Candy.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Heysoose Crisco…This JUST Happened =-.

  36. I don’t know why, but reading this one, sorta gave me an anxiety attack (deeeep breath in….sloooow breath out…X5). It’s not because of the drug references. I don’t do drugs. I mean, not ones that aren’t prescribed to me by a real live doctor with a RX pad and bad handwritting… Sigh.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..I Think I Am Rapid Cycling… =-.

  37. Every post is a life lesson. I should be able to get a grant or at least a student loan for reading you.

  38. What would be even smarter is if they had laptop and cell phone chargers already in the hotel room so you don’t need to bring yours. Of course in this version of reality the chargers would work on any laptop or cell phone. And there’d be bacon. Because in a dream reality there’s always bacon.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Advertising =-.

  39. Just put the charger’s cord across the front door, about a feet above the floor.
    .-= Aleutie´s last blog ..Answer the letters, please =-.

  40. I used to hide all my cash in an empty dove soap box… my grandmother threw it out while i was on vacation… $200 gone… but I found $50 I’d hid in my keyboard’s battery thing about 5 years later… and 2 years after that I found $20 I’d hidden in a shoe I hadn’t worn since 5th grade… so I determined as long as I hide my money in obscure non-disposable things, I’m set… well shoes probably still aren’t a good idea since those go to goodwill a lot and they would be MAKING money buying those shoes and that’s just wrong… period… I will stop now
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..BITCHFACE IS THE NEW EVIL EYE… pass it on =-.

  41. lime green spray paint! Oooh! And glitter! Or maybe you could sew it a nice little cozy out of sequined fabric? Only that might look like a big sequined condom and then there would be people waiting outside your room for your autograph only then you’d get there and they’d be all YOU DON’T HAVE A PENIS and you’d be all “that’s what you think!”

    Do you have a penis?
    .-= miss thystle´s last blog ..Then I vill KEELs you =-.

  42. i usually tend to hide my coke in my nostrils. Its a great place to conceal it. Sometimes i get a small white reside around the rim of my nose, and i tell people its left over zinc, i’m a fucking life gaurd, I save fat kids from drowning, now give me a bump.
    .-= http://www.fatkidsfalling.com´s last blog ..skinny kids falls, then… wait for it… and fat kid falls =-.

  43. For a second I thought you were coming clean about your cocaine addiction and all your previous posts would have made so much more sense. It would be like the final piece of the puzzle. I was all like, “Oh, it’s not just Xanex, it’s a cocaine and Xanex conconction. Makes total sense now.” But then I got to the part where you don’t do cocaine. Ever. Then I was all confused again like, “Ok, there’s no cocaine. So what the hell is going on with this chick?!”

    Basically, I thought I had it all figured out and then realized I really didn’t know anything at all and it made me really anxious. I think I need Xanex now.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday: Forget eye for an eye, it’s goldfish for a diamond now. =-.

  44. Forget dressing up the cord in clothes…cause you’d still probably forget. Instead, wrap double sided tape around the cord and then dump glitter on it…the really annoying, sparkly kind. Then, when you’re getting ready in the bathroom the morning you leave, you’ll be all, “What the fuck? What do I have GLITTER ON MY FACE?”

    (Cause we all know glitter sticks to everything and takes five years to either fall off of sink into your pores, only pop out in random places after an indeterminate amount of time)

    So anyway, in your brain you’ll be all, “ohhhh….because I covered the laptop cord in glitter!…the cord that’s currently being forgotten…until now.”

    Genius.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..for all you dog lovers. or picture lovers. or those who like to peek in people’s windows. =-.

  45. WTF? Who buys their bacon in kilos? Though, I do often refer to it as a brick of pig, so maybe there is something there… eh.

    And I would forget the glitter thing, because glitter is like the herpes of the craft world. And unless you like herpes, glitter is a damn mess.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Switch It by Nan Winner! =-.

  46. […] the President directly. Oh, dammit, what was I saying…awesome…streams…oh, right! The Bloggess: You know what would suck? If you taped a brick of cocaine into the inside of the toilet tank in […]

  47. I never hide the coke in the toilet. I totally cut the center out of the Gideon’s Bible and put it there. Nobody reads those damned things, they just use them to prop up the desk with the one leg shorter than the other three.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Twitterdiculous =-.

  48. You’d have to go to Canada to get bacon in kilos, but then you’d end up with Canadian bacon, which everyone knows is just ham, so why bother?
    .-= Middle-Aged-Woman´s last blog ..Random Little Pig =-.

  49. I once found a Ouija board stuffed between the mattresses in a hotel room that I stayed in. It was sort of creepy to think that it had been there while countless other people were sleeping on that bed.

  50. Could you tie some kind of leash around the charger like one of those tortured little children at amusement parks. If it tries to run away from you, it’ll just bungee back to your side. You may have to buy it a lollipop though, to get it to stop crying.
    .-= Amy Slob´s last blog ..Jury Duty =-.

  51. cocaine, bacon and personal lubricant… apparently. 😉

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/icecream/4029707017/
    .-= ingrid´s last blog ..getting noticed =-.

  52. Those cords are like $100 bucks each!!! Holy shit! How many HAVE you left behind?? Victor must love that shit. lmao.
    .-= peedee´s last blog ..Frog Lamp Has a New Home =-.

  53. “Actually, I should probably start doing that to my laptop cord. Except that it’s white and hotel ceilings are always white too so I probably still wouldn’t see it.”

    I am no cocaine connoisseur (which is a word that I just spelled correctly without the aid of spell-check.. BOOYAH!) but I believe that bricks of cocaine may also be white. Which brings me to an important point: you should start dealing cocaine that is colorful so that it is less likely to be left behind when taped to the ceiling/inside a toilet bowl or any other white surface. I think there’d be a market for that! You could diversify by also selling Kilos of bacon. But you probably shouldn’t try to sell the bacon to the same people who buy the colorful cocaine. I hear that cocaine is bad for the appetite, so your cocaine patrons will be much less likely to want bacon. But, bacon is bacon, so it probably won’t matter. The moral of the story is that even coke-heads like bacon.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Roommates Part 1 =-.

  54. I have NEVER checked the toilet in a hotel before, but I WILL TOTALLY be doing that from now on.

  55. I can’t decide if it’s awesome or scary that your posts make complete sense to me.

  56. It is obvious that you need to wrap your laptop cord around a brick of cocaine and tape it to the inside of the toilet. Problem solved. Now send bacon.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..Things I Learned Today and Other News… =-.

  57. once when i was passed out at a party, some dudes did lines on my back.

    i ran into one of them when i was working on the forensic unit at a psychiatric hospital.
    i was his social worker.

    i’ll ask what his tips and tricks are so that i never forget my cocaine ever again.
    … not that i use it.
    ever.

  58. OH MY GOD, cord cozies. brightly colored. this is seriously brilliant. you could even make a cord cozy that had a strip of velcro sticking off to be the keep-the-damn-cord-unto-itself thing when the cord is wrapped up. (this would solve allie’s cord problem too – can you tell that i read all of her archives today? one of these days i am going to have to get back to work.) i would really be patenting this if i knew how to patent. someone write the penis cozy lady, quick, conscript her. until then i will be busy covering all my chargers / cords with reflective tape. goddamn, jenny. ( / miss thystle / allie.) you are such a fount of insight.

  59. I am always leaving my last emergency tampon or pantliner in hotels. WTF is up with that! I don’t know why I said that, but its true. Awkward.

  60. You do realize that people are going to be knitting clothes for your laptop cord, now right? I mean, just so you know and when these tiny little hats and sweaters show up in the mail you don’t think people are trying to tell you you’re fat. They’re for the cord.

    You know, just as an FYI.
    .-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..What Are You? HE’S A VAMPIRE! DEAR GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE! =-.

  61. My wife found a five year old Playboy under the sink in our hotel room once. She knew it wasn’t mine because it had no teeth marks on it.
    .-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..Brushing Up on His Lies =-.

  62. You know The Clapper? Well, don’t they make something like that, but it beeps when you clap? I swear I used to know someone who had one attached to a key chain, because she was always losing her keys. You could give your coke a Clapper Beeper. Or your charger.

    But NEVER put bacon in the toilet, ok?

  63. Oh. My. God. If bacon came in kilos…. oh, wait… it does, doesn’t it?
    .-= pamela´s last blog ..open letter to britax =-.

  64. somehow, I totally get the cord/coke comparison. it like, makes sense. and if that makes me wrong, I don’t want to be right. you rule, in so many ways.
    .-= sandyb´s last blog ..Sisters. Let’s discuss. =-.

  65. I have yet to find any cocaine in hotel room toilet in my travels but my 15 year old son found about $150+ in fetish porn mags under the bed in our hotel…the majority of them were 50+ year olds…I mean, seriously, what’s wrong with good old fashioned hot girl porn?

  66. You should put the power cord in the toilet. So that when you’re checking for cocaine, it’ll be right there!
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Sunday is My Fun Day. I Mean, “Fun” Day. =-.

  67. I always put my car keys with things I need to remember…in the fridge with the kilo of bacon…I have done it. Haven’t tried in the toilet with the brick of co…wait a minute, are trying to catch me at something that has NEVER happened? Very sneaky…very sneaky.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Pillow Talk =-.

  68. I once had to purchase Iberico Ham (bacon) from Spain and the shit cost $2600 for the piece of pig…This little piggy went across the border and got fried!! Iberico is actually a growing trend in the culinary industry…it’s from the Pete Negre (black pig) and its amazing and wonderful all in one! The pigs actually only eat acorns so the meat is savoury and melts in your mouth…mmm…nothing like melting pig fat on your tongue to make you salivate…
    I have never had to purchase a brick of pig or anything, I dont think I have ever purchased a brick…I did have to get an elephant from India…but 2 things to consider…I would never eat Elephant and I wouldn’t ship bricks across the border.
    .-= Danon Pascoa´s last blog ..Hummina..Hummina…Shwing!!! =-.

  69. I work at a hotel.
    And phone chargers are the number one left behind item.
    And the number one left at home item.
    So really, it works out great.
    We keep a giant ass box of chargers left behind at the front desk.
    So when people are like ohhh man I forgot my charger.
    We whip out a box. And they pick through it until they find one that works.
    And if people call the next day like ohhh man I left my charger in my room.
    We go. Ohhh I don’t know if we found yours…but we have lots and lots that you could try.

  70. Oh but seriously.
    Nobody has ever found a bag of coke in the toilet.
    Or at least I haven’t.
    Duh, like if they did they would tell anyone.

  71. Ok for me, Bacon may as well BE Coke! And I would totally wrap my charger in the bacon, because I never leave bacon ANYWHERE!!! I think maybe people are after my bacon. Mean, stalker bacon eaters…

    Also, I did not read all of the comments, so if someone else came up with the charger in the bacon idea, I’ll totally shank them, because that’s MY Idea!

    Damn bacon stealers….

  72. This post is full of great ideas…except isn’t cocaine also white? So if you taped it to the ceiling, you’d have to put it in booties or something first.
    .-= Steph´s last blog ..Teaser Tuesday! =-.

  73. And of course I didn’t read the other comments before I posted mine, so now I look like a douche canoe for being the third person to mention that cocaine is white.
    .-= Steph´s last blog ..Teaser Tuesday! =-.

  74. The only thing worse than cocaine is making a coke dealer drive you somewhere because you can’t get a ride. And then you realize that you’re on in a coke dealer’s car. Going to Oakland.

    It was all good though cuz he gave me $40 for guessing his age. Which was 41.
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Daycare, Money, Christmas =-.

  75. I love that you managed to work the word “nomenclature” into a sentence.
    .-= Jack´s last blog ..Scary stuff… =-.

  76. My husband always and I mean always forgets his phone charger in the hotel. But I have to giive him props for never and I mean never forgeting his hidden block of cocaine in the toilet.
    .-= 3 Stinky Boys and Me´s last blog ..You Can’t Make that Face; Only I Can Make that Face. =-.

  77. You know, I actually worked (until my son was born) the graveyard shift in a hotel. You would be amazed at the things some people leave behind. However, if you were to put glitter, and your name, and maybe address and phone number (It can’t hurt!) on your charger that would be good, because then the staff could pick out which one was yours from the 100 others they picked up that day.

    On the alterior side… if you are ever stranded in a hotel WITHOUT a charger… ask at the front desk, and I’m sure they will happily loan/give you one from the thousands of them they have in housekeeping. 😀

    Some of the things left behind while I was working:
    LOTS of chargers, to every device imaginable.. standard, or european plug.
    Pets
    Pillows
    Clothes/Jackets
    Children (True story! One family got all the way to Wyoming (from Denver) before realizing that their 8 year old was still in our lobby!)
    Dirty Magazines
    Drugs
    $1000 dollars (which they later accused the Hotel of stealing, and threatened to call the cops on us unless we paid them with cash right that instant to make up for it. (*snicker*) Sorry folks, it doesn’t work, and it’s very rare that the Front Desk has more than $300 on them at any point in time.)

    Ooohhh the stories a Hotel employee could tell you. 😀

  78. You can tape both the white cord and the white cocaine to the white ceiling with colorful duct tape. That shit comes in every color in the history of history. Even tye-dye. Which I guess is technically not it’s own color since it’s a lot of colors all together, but it totally should be because tye-dye is awesome. And if you’re doing cocaine it’s probably even more awesome.

  79. Back in the days when I pretended to be cool I played in a band. We’d do an “Idiot Check” after every gig. You pack everything then you go back and look under, on top of, and inside everything still on stage. If you don’t do it you’ll leave something behind guaranteed. These days my wife and I’ll pack and pull our bags from the hotel room into the hall. One of us will then yell at the other “Idiot” in a strangely adult version of Snap. At which point the yellee darts back into the room and much banging and grunting ensues. It must seem like a strange sequence of events to any passers-by but it works for us.
    .-= Coelecanth´s last blog ..Dancing in the Dark =-.

  80. I just wanted to tell you that this post made me crave bacon. How weird is that? I guess it could be worse though, at least I didn’t start craving cocaine. Which would have been totally weird since I’ve never done drugs in my life. Oh well, if the anyone could do it, The Bloggess could
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..My apartment is trying to make my ears bleed or make my head explode. =-.

  81. I went to Costco tonight, and found out that a kilo of bacon goes for $10.49. Stick with the blow, it’s got better resale value.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Dinner was fabulous. Wish you were here. =-.

  82. I just love you.
    Also ; i think hotel employees totally have a raquet (racket!) on phone, computer, ipod, everything chargers on ebay. Next time you go on ebay looking for a charger, ask if it was found abandoned in a hotel room. My bet says yes.
    Also – i have no colon or question mark keys for some reason. please insert them where it makes sense.

  83. Not only does this post make total sense, it sounds remarkably similar to a conversation I would have with my sister… my part would be the cocaine bricks and my sister’s part would be dressing the laptop chargers, except she’d name her chargers so that if she forgot them, she could drink in mourning to her long lost ‘friend’ Skinny Marie, who, I think was a cocaine addict who overdosed in Pretty Woman and was found in a dumpster, by the way, they hid their rent money holder in the toilet tank, but if they had hid cocaine bricks instead they wouldn’t have to worry about rent and then Vivianne wouldn’t have overcharged Edward for directions or sat on his trench coat and Kit would have never suggested that Viv and Edward buy some diamonds and a horse which is the perfect thing to obsess over if you were on coke. I think. My ex-husband probably would have.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Machu Picchu Psycho =-.

  84. pretty sure i saw nothing incriminating in your hotel room other than that waste-of-space sex corpse. yes. THAT ONE. (it didn’t put out nearly as much as you’d intimated when we discussed the transaction in the first place.)

    disappointed, Jenny.

    maybe if we’d had the dance-off with the gang outside of the menopausal restaurant and avoided the blood-letting, and also the guts-and-miso, and possibly even the anamatronic cat musical, my disappointment would be rendered less severe.

    *maybe*.

    (but i sincerely doubt it.)

  85. Bacon NEVER gives me a migraine.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..My Side of the Story…A post by the dog =-.

  86. Bacon makes everything better! Bacon + vodka? Perfection! So what happened to your cord? Once the power runs out, does that mean you will be blogging from the library from now on?
    .-= submom´s last blog ..“I want to be your personal penguin” =-.

  87. I have a bed and breakfast so I know how much a kilo of bacon costs. It’s a lot, but it’s only ’cause I buy in bulk, but it still works out cheaper than buying it by the pound. Which is probably the same for drugs. Maybe you could buy charger cords in bulk for cheap and then who gives a shit if you forget one in a hotel? You’d like have extras! Plus you’d be contributing to the economy and keep charger cord makers employed which would give them drug money which keeping the drug cartels moving along nicely; which ultimately will up your chances of ever finding coke in hotel toilets. It’s about keeping the circle unbroken people!
    .-= karen @agentninety9´s last blog ..The Six Degrees Between Junior High, Duran Duran, and Blogging Fiction =-.

  88. I would put a jacket AND a hat on a brick of bacon just so I would not forget it in a hotel room. If it was canadian bacon it would like like Bob and Doug Mckenzie

  89. I just checked my hotel toilet and found a laptop cord wearing a hat.

    Where did you stay in Vegas again?
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Links for 2009-10-20 [Digg] =-.

  90. I wonder if I could steal some of my daughter’s Barbie clothes to dress up my phone charger, because I never know where that thing is…
    .-= Jessi´s last blog ..No More Babykins =-.

  91. sheesh…you coulda just asked me how much a brick of cocaine costs….I’m black, girl. I get asked that ALL THE TIME.
    .-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..11 Things About dubiousMa You Probably Don’t Give a Shit About =-.

  92. bacon + coke?
    bacon +vodka?

    Seriously, don’t y’all know that real Americans take their bacon with chocolate?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chocolate_covered_bacon

  93. cocaine is white, also…so it wouldn’t work for the ceiling.
    the jacket thing might work, unless you took the jacket off of it right before leaving and still forgot it.
    you should totally pack the cord before you pak the laptop, then you will remember the cord.
    and forget the laptop.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Latin Lies =-.

  94. The sweater/hat on your laptop cord SEEMS like a good idea… but then again, if THAT worked, wouldn’t the frickin laptop remind you to take the laptop cord? Some situations are just beyond help. But take solace in the fact that I’ve lost 3 laptop chargers.
    .-= Belle´s last blog ..Why won’t my parakeet ever do anything I ask?! =-.

  95. Bloggess, Nobody blames you for forgetting the laptop cord. After “sipping on gin and juice” with Snoop (because I TOO am grammatically correct), one cannot be bothered to remember the location something as trivial as a white cord.

    You should be MORE proud of the fact that you a: didn’t trash the hotel room, b: didn’t hook up with Samantha Ronson, and c: didn’t steal any other random cords after mistaking them for your laptop cord.

    AND you didn’t hide cocaine in the toilet. That hotel should be THANKING you.
    .-= txtingmrdarcy´s last blog ..OMGWATWUZZAT?! or “Why I Should Never Watch Scary Movies. Ever.” =-.

  96. Also, @Jessica- AAAAAGH! Hon, everyone KNOWS that glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies!! Once you use it, you NEVER get rid of it, ever!!!

    Why would you wish that on our Bloggess?!

    I should totally be the Favorite because I don’t want her to have Herpes.
    .-= txtingmrdarcy´s last blog ..OMGWATWUZZAT?! or “Why I Should Never Watch Scary Movies. Ever.” =-.

  97. mmmm…..toilet bacon….

  98. you have the best ideas ever. plus, the people who comment on this blog are fucking HYSTERICAL.

    xo

    b.
    .-= just beth´s last blog ..Adventures of Billie (The Kid) Holliday =-.

  99. I don’t know what kind of coke you’ve been snorting, but it too, like your phone charger, is white.

    Oh, and a tip? When I tape mine to hotel ceilings I use the pink sugar sprinkles so it stands out. You never forget it that way. It also gives you something to look at during sex. Just be sure to keep it away from the kiddies; telling them that it’s mommy’s birthday cake does so NOT work….

  100. i totally do wrap stuff I need to remember in other important items. In fact last night I put my glasses (can’t forget them or, you know, I’d be banging in to shit all day) around the notepad I had my errands for the day written on.

    It worked. Sort of. I saw the notepad, remembered I had errands to do. Then I still managed to forget to actually run the errands.

    In conclusion: The concept is idiot proof. I am not.
    .-= jenn murphy´s last blog ..why do people keep staring at me? oh right, i’m bald. =-.

  101. I agree that the DEA is probably combing your blog and your trash now, and I like that about you. You’re edgy….and on a government watch list.
    .-= vakadesign´s last blog ..Monsters, blogosphere, monsters? =-.

  102. Post like this, and your snow cone machine post, and your GPS that uses personal landmarks are the reason I’ve pledged you my undying readership.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..WWIII – Part 2 =-.

  103. See? And this is why I come here. I’ve wasted hundreds on laptop chargers when all I had to do was go to a hotel and claim I left mine there. You help without even trying. It’s quite magical.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..This must have been what that John Mayer song was talking about =-.

  104. Nomenclature? The hell? I had to look that one up and I’m still not sure I get it. Which is probably why I’m back in school. But now it’s not enough to learn about polynomial and exponential functions, I need to learn more vocabulary too. CRAAAP! I don’t think there’s enough room up there for all that learning. And it’s giving me a headache. Maybe I should go buy some *bacon*.
    .-= uthostage´s last blog ..I will not let Twitter ruin my good mood. =-.

  105. Hey, can you front me a kilo of bacon man? I wonder if the high gas prices has affected the street value of cocaine. Hey, they have shipping costs too. Those crooked pilots don’t fly for nothing!
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  106. I feel like it would only be right at this point to tie it all together and wrap your charger in bacon. Or possibly dress your charger up in the full jacket and hat combo with a bacon sandwich in front of it – like, oh there it is! It’s just having lunch. Hmm.. should I let it finish up first?

    The weirder the thing it’s doing, the less likely you’d forget it. Well, until weird became your “normal.” Having read your blog, I fear I may be too late with my suggestions…

  107. Maybe some kind of remote with an alarm or a “find the power cord” feature. No, wait, then I would lose both the remote and the power cord in the hotel room.

  108. A) Don’t EVER try to hide your cocaine in a toilet….I don’t care how weel you THINK you sealed it, b/c if it gets wet you are screwed and when you are talking blocks of cocaine I am guessing some pretty serious Drug Lords are going to be looking for answers
    B) I suggest taping a note to the hotel door saying “Are You ABSOLUTELY sure you have your laptop charger??….Better check again”
    .-= Agent DragonFly´s last blog ..It Makes Sense in Some Alternate Universe =-.

  109. DAMMIT LANINE, you totally stole my “worked at a hotel” thunder, but I will honor hotel employee code and not berate you. {secret handshake}

    True though, people ALWAYS leave their chargers, and usually one shoe (or we possibly had an unusually high incendence of one legged guests and this was a WHOLE PAIR of shoe(s) for them). Whenever people would ask if we had spare chargers, they looked like a hyperglycemic kid in a candy store when we’d bust out our bin of phone and computer chargers. And we’d even let them *keep* the chargers, to really go above and beyond with our excellent customer service, or whatever bullshit we were supposed to be selling, and they’d look like they just won the charger LOTTERY. Like these people looked DRUNK with euphoria, their minds racing at all the charger-related adventures they would have. SUCKAS!!! They would, without fail, forget the charger.

    Probably should have invested in a charger sweater set. Or a hat, at the very least.
    .-= Christine´s last blog ..Daily Dish: My Imaginary Sister is Stuck Up. Probably. =-.

  110. Hotel maids have for years been putting “Amnesia Dust” on pillows.
    No one tips them enough.

    This way, they are guaranteed a steady income from the lucrative laptop power cord market.
    Not to mention, the lucrative forgotten-brick-of-cocaine-in-the-toilet-tank trade…..it goes without saying.

  111. The Bloggess is not a good read when you have the damn swine flu.
    When I laugh, I then cough until I am blue in the face.

    I think Jenny’s trying to kill me.
    .-= Lindsey´s last blog ..ugh =-.

  112. Oh sweet Jaysus, you said a “kilo of bacon.” Holy bat balls, I am salivating on my keyboard…
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..It’s amazing what a little sunshine can do for the soul… =-.

  113. …Seems like there would be *some* benefit to inventing slim-line retractable laptop chargers. They make irons and hair dryers that way. Doesn’t everyone travel with laptops too? …That would be too easy though. I know, just take half the duct tape you planned to use on the toilet and tape part of the charger TO your computer.
    .-= Rachael´s last blog ..When in doubt, jerry-rig shit! =-.

  114. What is whiter? The hotel ceiling, the power cord of your laptop? Or the cocaine?
    But then, I wouldn’t know what a ‘brick’ of cocaine looks like either. Does WikiAnswers say what color a ‘brick’ of cocaine is?
    .-= Suzanne´s last blog ..Why do women have sex? =-.

  115. Is bacon a euphemism for cocaine? 🙂

    Just linked you over at my Ramblings. Your blog rocks.
    .-= Holli´s last blog ..Today’s lesson in cultural imperialism =-.

  116. 116
    mouthy_broad

    i think you are the only person who could “accidentally” do cocaine.

  117. yeah, that’s a good idea. I’m a major “loser”. I sometimes wrap my watch around my underpants when i get in the shower bc I always forget to put on my watch but I rarely forget to put on my underpants.

  118. Hmmmm….What if you wrapped your coat around the bacon…would that keep the grease down when you cooked it or would you just be mobbed by wild dingos when you walked out the door?

    By the way, don’t get creeped out if you look at the link and see your picture on our site as like one of only a few. We are in the process of building. Take a look at http://www.TPPC.tv and you will see who we are.

    Luckily, my hubby did not turn into a ZOMBIE by swigging out of the same bottle as you and “The Hanging Chads” and Kevin Pollak. Ugh, I know, what happens in Vegas. If anyone is reading this, don’t worry, the Zombie Apocalypse has in fact, not happened…in NJ anyway.
    .-= Real People News Network.tv´s last blog ..Real People Network News added 4 photos =-.

  119. I got an idea: Don’t you have a bunch of fake hair? You should put your wig on your power cord. You’d never forget a sexy brunette cable. And if you’re lucky, maybe your hot computer cable will let you go to second base with it.
    Just a thought.
    .-= Hippo Brigade´s last blog ..Starstruck =-.

  120. 120
    guttercherry

    I like the idea of power cord clothing – you know to draw attention to it before you leave. I think the people at Whatnottocrochet http://whatnottocrochet.wordpress.com/ should be alerted. We might have a money-maker on our hands here (of course that helps my unemployed-ass nada).

  121. With the throwing up, I’m wondering if you were given a speedball instead of just cocaine? I’d give it another go. Might be that drugs are like new foods or kidneys, you know, you have to try them twice before they take.
    .-= Deb ´s last blog ..This Just In: It’s Alive Out There! =-.

  122. I can not believe I’ve done cocaine more than you. I am totally not going to hit submit on this comment…

    Steph
    .-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..A Clone Trooper, Dorothy, Football Player, & Dinosaur Pirate =-.

  123. I intertwine the laptop cord with the cord from my vibrator. Guess what I’m never going to leave behind? Problem solved.

  124. Bossy was working up a witty comment playing with phrases like BRICK of cocaine and HOUSE made of BRICKS and BLOWing that house down, but let’s face it: It’s Friday and she’s all out of clever.
    .-= BOSSY´s last blog ..Bossy’s Ear Worm =-.

  125. I was once on a federal jury for a drug smuggling case. They actually gave us bricks of cocaine to examine as part of the evidence. I’m not quite sure what we were supposed to do with them. Of course, I had to pick a couple of them up just so I could say I had! I wish I had taken some cell phone pictures, but I didn’t want to violate some judicial code and cause a mistrial! I also went through the guy’s wallet just because I could and I’m nosey! The cocaine was all wrapped up in black plastic and duct-taped so you couldn’t see the white powder through it and, therefore, it would not blend in with the ceiling. There. I hope that lesson from my civic duty has proved useful!

  126. I watched the videos from before the Navy ship thing, and you are right. You don’t sound like I thought you would and I also don’t believe that your hair is falling out. And the blue lighting was weird, but that made the video all the more awesome AND giving soldiers little soldiers that jack off is AWESOME. You know they would think that is like the best gift they have ever gotten. And, if there was some unfortunate soul who didn’t know how to jack off, the little army man showed him. And that is really courageous of you to teach that guy how to masturbate.
    .-= Whitney´s last blog ..People are Impressed by Weird Things =-.

  127. Also…I have panic disorder as well and have been having an ativan (I know you prefer Xanax) confused day. Like, did I already do that? what are we talking about? What’s going on? So…I just thought I would add that comment. Because, it’s been one of those days. 2 1/2 hours to go….I think I will make it!!!
    .-= Whitney´s last blog ..People are Impressed by Weird Things =-.

  128. My “genius” is often blamed on drugs too! Only I’m a straight-lace. Except for period pain-killers. THOSE I may hide in the toliet tanks. No one should judge me unless they’re irregular too. Or on a kilo of bacon 😀

  129. 129
    Thunderhowl

    Just a helpful tip for you and your readers…most hotels have a box or two of cel phone chargers and laptop cords that are left at the hotel when people check out and then never return to pick them up.
    I just got a new cell phone charger for my Mom because her puppy chewed hers all to hell. True story.

    What you do is walk up to the front desk of any reasonably large hotel like you’re totally stressed out and a little frantic and give a garbled explanation to the desk agent about how you forgot your cell phone charger in the room last week and that you hope housekeeping hasn’t thrown it out and can you please have it back because if you can’t charge your phone and you miss another call from your husband/wife/boss/landlord you’re going to get divorced/fired/evicted. When the desk puts you in touch with housekeeping to get rid of you they’ll maybe let you search their leftover charger box and score a new charger. Thank everyone profusely and they totally won’t think you’re up to anything shifty. Unless you look really shifty, and then you’re screwed and they’ll call security on your ass.

  130. I manage a hotel, I got a box of chargers you can have…..they annoy me. And I have one white Apple charger.

  131. I’ve only read the first paragraph so far but I didn’t want to forget to say, I have totally found a bag of crack in a hotel room, in Miami. we flushed it and then had a heartattack that someone would come looking for it. i do not miss south Florida AT ALL. (no one came but I hid from the maid anyway)

  132. 132
    Lady Penelope

    Great. Now every time I stay in a hotel I’m going to have to check the cistern for drugs.

    ~ Yet another thing my ‘Victor’ can roll his eyes at …

  133. A great time Saturday night. We surprised my parents and they were thriled when they got there..Thanks! I had been advised by the photo booth person that footage would be online. Where are they?

  134. Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive learn something like this before. So good to search out somebody with some authentic ideas on this subject. realy thanks for beginning this up. this web site is one thing that’s wanted on the net, somebody with a little originality. helpful job for bringing one thing new to the web!

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