I have a ton of embarrassing shit to write about this weekend in Vegas even though most of the time I hid in my hotel room but God knows if I’ll ever finish it so instead here’s a video of me at the BlogWorld Expo Closing Keynote in Vegas, sharing a stage with Kevin Pollak, Darth Vader’s little brother and Guy Kawasaki. (This is where I would have embedded the video except for some reason it starts playing immediately and I didn’t want you to get fired for having your speakers on too loud. Because I’m compassionate.)
Put on your earphones and click here.
PS. It’s really quite long but surprisingly worth it and also this video will teach you about (insert whatever your job is here) so it’s totally okay to watch this during work time because you are increasing your value to your company.
PPS. If you are blocked from watching it at work I’ll summarize: Zombie Apocolypse breaks out, we start a swine flu epidemic, and “Cats have made me sexually aroused since I was 12”.
PPPS. In case you’re wondering where I am, I don’t come out until minute 56. Swear to God. The keynote was scheduled to last one hour. Pretty fucking clever on the part of the organizers except that I was drunk and refused to stop talking so we just go way over our alloted time and they start sending out notes telling us to wrap it up. Those notes were ignored. I’m kind of a little surprised we’re not still there.
PPPPS. Vegas is weird:
Comment of the day: I love that you opened with doing zombies instead of handjobs. Wait. That sounds different than I intended. ~ beth aka confusedhomemaker
You’re so gangsta.
.-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Howzabout we just pretend I never said anything, and you can all crawl back into the sewer? =-.
That’s pretty fucking sexy Jenny.
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Playdate with @VDog and Little Man =-.
Love the red velvet chair. Need one. Want one. You’re making me laugh like crazy again….great way to start the week.
.-= Jody Schoger´s last blog ..From Co-Survivor to Survivor – How the Cancer Experience Changed My Advocacy =-.
Um, yo?
I want the chair. In my house.
.-= Jessica @ How Sweet´s last blog ..Loaded Steak Salad and 20 Questions. Or 10. =-.
I watched the closing keynote Saturday online. You rocked the Casbah m’dear! The William Shatner story is nothing short of awesome.
.-= The Grown Up Child´s last blog ..The ties that bind =-.
That’s pretty awesome. Love the chair, and love even more the sippING on gin and more gin.
.-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Anti Monkey Butt Review and Giveaway =-.
It’s 56 minutes if you don’t count the time it takes for this bitch to load….where I will promptly skip to minute 56, cuz I don’t care about Guy Motorcycle-Last-Name and what he has to say. I only care about you, Jenny. You’re just so…special.
.-= LizzB (@hereslizz)´s last blog ..Isn’t She Pretty? I Have To Say That, I’m Her Mom. =-.
First time ever commenting on your blog – I loved your part in the keynote! You rocked that wig and were just so on.
It definitely was an interesting keynote, but I like that it paid tribute to all the different types of bloggers out there. Not for the faint of heart!
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..Purple Giveaway II =-.
Oh. It was loaded. I just needed to click play. I’m awesome.
.-= LizzB (@hereslizz)´s last blog ..Isn’t She Pretty? I Have To Say That, I’m Her Mom. =-.
I wish I’d have known you would be kicking it with Snoop. I would have had you shake him down for the cost of his last album because I wasn’t exactly pleased with it.
Hey, is he okay? Does he have swine flu? He’s looking a little waxy.
That picture is AWESOME!! 🙂
Your wig is so fabulous that if even fills ME with confidence.
Also? You’re lovely.
.-= Lesley´s last blog ..All the P.S.’s To This Post Are Like Five Times Longer Than The Actual Post Itself Because That’s How I Do It Around Here (Like Someone Who Has Absolutely No Idea What She’s Doing) =-.
isnt that a wax figure? he does not look real! O.o
That gold lion looks totally pissed you’re wearing an animal print bangle and flaunting it right in his face…I mean, his expression is all, “Grrrr…be thankful I am encased in faux gold and only have one leg, woman…cause had I been designed any other way, your hand would already be digesting in my wooden stomach.”
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..the farm animal =-.
If Chad Vader was half the comic jedi he claims to be, he totally would have made your dress go up.
Poser.
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..The Blindski Leading the Blindski =-.
You’re such a doll. A hysterical, foul mouthed, doll.
.-= Sher´s last blog ..Midlife Road Trip Show =-.
Watched your whole video – thanks for not putting it in the post to auto play because I totally would have gotten fired. You were captivating and way more funny than any of those guys. Loved it!
.-= Mrs. Smith´s last blog ..Better parenting through reality TV. Thank you, Jeff Lewis. =-.
Child lukemia sucks, but fucking with Shatner is the way to go! Awesome, Jenny! Also, on that site where the video is, they spelled Bloggess wrong…Bloggess Army Activate!
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Best of Times, Worst of Times =-.
As I thought: what happens (to The Bloggess) in Vegas… gets plastered all over the Interwebz.
Can’t wait to read all about it.
~EdT.
.-= EdT.´s last blog ..Hell’s Kitchen: È finito. =-.
Wish I could have been there. Oh well, there’s the video.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Natural Change =-.
You’re kind of a gangster. FYI.
.-= Belle´s last blog ..Reason #721,993 why I am The Best Sister Ever (besides my sister) =-.
I just watched the whole thing, here’s what I learned:
1. (most people’s) shit is weak
2. fuck with William Shatner to be famous on the Internet
3. Guy Kawasaki is not Jackie Chan
4. You and Kevin Pollak are totally destined to be BFFs
5. Please, more video of you, because you are teh awesome.
So what is with the cheezy 70’s porn movie music in the beginning of this video? It really threw me off and made my whole family wonder what the hell I was watching online. Seriously…they investigated. Then the video froze at minute 42 and I never even got to see you. I might be heartbroken.
♥Spot
.-= Spot´s last blog ..Me = Awesome =-.
So what happened to the wine bottle–is it on eBay yet?
.-= MaNiC MoMMy´s last blog ..DiVa HeaRTS =-.
I read somewhere that you actually shouldn’t bother with juice because it’s only the flavour part of the fruit and you get more nutrients from eating the actual fruit – juice is apparently just a way to mainline sugar. And since it’s important to think about your health, you SHOULD just drink gin and more gin because that way you won’t get diabetes. And then maybe have, like, a banana the next day, just to keep things balanced. The only way I eat bananas is ground up in a smoothie with orange sherbet and rum.
.-= emvandee´s last blog ..Horses’ Arses. =-.
Someday I am going to have to attend one of these blogging things.
.-= annie´s last blog ..The Biggest Fear =-.
I love that you opened with doing zombies instead of handjobs.
Wait that sounds so different than I intended.
Great job!
.-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Giuseppe Arcimboldo’s Autumn =-.
You are such a badass. I’m glad you were only sippING on gin because juice sucks.
.-= Nel´s last blog ..Reason #721,993 why I am The Best Sister Ever (besides my sister) =-.
Jenny, you were excellent in that panel, and you easily held your own with a media Titan like Kevin Pollack. Also, I wasn’t in Vegas this weekend but one of my coworkers was, and she totally bit me in the arm this morning! It wasn’t a very bad bite, but I’m feeling a little ill. I’m sure it’s just a bad burrito or something that I had for lunch. I’ll be fine.
.-= Thunderhowl´s last blog ..Thunderhowl: Ok…time for bed…I’ve put it off as long as I can. =-.
Jenny… I’d suggest adding a disclaimer on that video: “Hey, there’s 8 minutes of smooth jazz before anything happens.” Well… unless that’s the part that you found entertaining… in which case… ermmm… I don’t even know
.-= Rob´s last blog ..I Saw the Face of Jesus That Day =-.
I bet if you tagged that photo with, “Bloggess on the throne,” your blog would get a ton of hits from people searching for random potty porn.
Also, I totally dig the strategic cropping of the photo. It looks like “goop Dogg.” GOOP DOGG!!! Represent. (Okay, so I am too much of a suburbanite to know what “Represent” actually means, but I hear it used so often that I figure there’s a pretty good chance my usage is correct and someone out there will understand and nod in agreement.)
Oh, and apparently gin gives you Satanic eyes. But at least they’re sexy, come-hither Satanic eyes. Or maybe they’re smug eyes. More likely you’re just really drunk. In any case, stop judging me.
Dude. I miss all the fun stuff. High school orgies, free chocolate at the Godiva store, zombie apocalypse.
I’m so depressed.
.-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Twitterdiculous =-.
You look so foxy next to Snoop. Seriously, foxy.
Great post.
http://maiconsoares.blogspot.com
.-= Maicon Soares´s last blog ..Never giving up =-.
Amazing….laughed my ass off – also – totally against men feeding babies with their penises…also, your (or You’re) not retarded she just doesn’t have a sense of humor. Fuck her (figuratively, actually she might improve her sense of humor if anyone is brave enough to actually do it…)
.-= Jesse Jo´s last blog ..ltml – October 5th =-.
Will you be wearing a jet black confidence wig when you become a geisha? With chopsticks in it?
.-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Ying Tong Iddle I Po =-.
I did things in that very chair when I was in Vegas. Good times.
(Hope they cleaned it thoroughly.)
.-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..I’ve learned that in order for me to put ANYTHING coherent from pen to paper, I need to be sedated. =-.
I need me a throne. And that awesome bracelet.
Or is it one of those homing devices? Cause if it is, fuggetaboutit.
Gang-bangin’ woman! With a nice rack, I must say.
OK, I didn’t HAVE to say it. But it’s Monday and I had a bad football weekend, so I’m a little hungover. Pardon me if I’m a tad inappropriate.
.-= Memphis Steve´s last blog ..COURAGE =-.
some people have mentors. some people have heros. i have you.
.-= txsjewels´s last blog ..mom math =-.
I kind of wish you were hugging Snoop in that picture. Or just doing inappropriate things to him.
.-= Kirsten´s last blog ..The Homeless Man at Taco Bell =-.
I tweeted tons of funny s*** during your BWE panel except that I sent all of it out onto the interwebs with the wrong hashtag. So here’s a partial recap:
1. If I were Victor I’d keep a serious eye on Kawasaki who is obviously sweating you something fierce. Victor, you can thank me later.
2. You look amazing in the Snoop Dog picture. Nice contraposto of the midriff, how slimming. Not that you need slimming, am just pointing out that it looks like maybe you study those “how to take photos like a STAR” manuals because you’re angled pretty craftily in that chair.
3. If *I* were in charge of stuff, I would’ve made you and Pollack act out L’Epic Shatner with Pollack being Shatner. Missed opportunity much, Blog World Expo panel organizers?
.-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..My Call with Uma Thurman =-.
Were you serious when you said that Shatner has a Christmas album coming out? Because I love his music and looked all over the internet for news about that but can’t find a thing.
Please don’t be screwing with me on this one. His singing fills my heart with joy!
Why are you the most amazing chica ever. Totally agree with Guy, the funniest chica on the interwebs.
I am buying a confidence wig to see if it makes me as cool as you.
Wow that video player really sucks. I couldn’t fast forward to the good bit so I just muted it and set a kitchen timer for 1 hour.
Best line: “I just show up and sex happens” – You have to get that on a t-shirt.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..#92 Make It So =-.
You know, I totally am against a man feeding a baby with his penis. Totally.
.-= Megan Erwin´s last blog ..On Life and Junk =-.
That’s quite an interesting panel. Darth Vader’s little brother….Chad, he he he. So did you have a party in your hotel bathroom…you always rock the bathroom! And now I’m going to sip on some gin n juice…you know because I’m hoping to be gangsta…in suburbia.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..UnbeLEEvable =-.
Dang, that guy. The questions! So lame! I want that job. Who was that guy? Why can’t they hire me? I would ask waaaay better questions.
I just want him to know: I am loving all over you but I HATE EVERYONE ELSE. HATE. THEM.
I’m discriminating, in other words.
It’s like you were born for this. It’s almost kind of strange. Where did you learn how to be so…damn funny and charming in front of a whole bunch of people and a camera? With the wigs, everything. It is impossible to envy you. I can’t believe you get any hate mail. I mean: Could anyone but you be this good at that? You deserve all these undeserved accolades.
Well, the video wouldn’t play for me. It’s probably my computers fault because I have nothing else to put the blame on. I feel a little left out since it seemed to work for everyone else. Or possibly no one else. I didn’t actually read the other comments so I’m not totally sure. Either way I will try again later because I hate missing out on things and I love you that much.
Lets just hope I remember to come back later. My memory is my downfall.
.-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday: Forget eye for an eye, it’s goldfish for a diamond now. =-.
When I feel stupid or retarded for saying or thinking things that cause others to roll their eyes or shake their heads at me…I remember that you are kewl and that people love you for being silly and stupid. So, I’ll be OK, right?
.-= Martie´s last blog ..Sorry… =-.
Sometimes I make the “I need a confidence wig” joke to people who don’t read the internets, like my husband. And they get so confused like I’m crazy. And I’m all, “No, It’s a Blogess thing! Like Jenny.” Then they usually back away slowly. Anyway… you rocked the keynote.
.-= lettergirl´s last blog ..If Lindy Chamberlain Had Twitter =-.
Um, Jenny? Your hot blondness totally distracted me from what I am certain was a fabulous speech
.-= flutter´s last blog ..Just Farking say good luck, a’ight? =-.
You were great.
As for the dudes, I’ll not comment.
.-= Terry´s last blog ..So the winner is autumn leaves =-.
Oh Jenny! I’ve had to wait like 7 hours to see this since I first saw the tweet at work.
I hate I had to wait so long!
The boys obviously didn’t know what to think of you (even though Guy is totally in love with you), but they SOOO wanted to laugh more than they did!
And I have to agree with someone above (I copied the text but am too lazy to remember who said it):
4. You and Kevin Pollak are totally destined to be BFFs
You are so awesome! Your wig is awesome, and you are too funny to be hidden on the internet. You and your wigs need to go on the road and do Stand Up (if your doctor won’t give you enough Xanax – I will totally find a way to fund your need).
james.
I would have driven over there to see you.
Yes, Las Vegas is weird.
Oh, what a relief. I thought someone had bitten you for real and I was super pissed at Vegas! Thanks for the laugh. That was an awesome keynote.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Eliminating "I Can’t" =-.
Looks like you got yourself a wax figurine – of yourself. Seriously, your eyes look, um, bewitching.
You go, girl.
.-= Daphne ling´s last blog ..The *terrible* twos =-.
Snoop needs to hire you to sit there by his wax-self all the time, you make him look, ya know, not waxy plus you class up the joint… well till you’ve had enough gin-n-gin that you fall out the throne and see yourself in the mirrors and then laugh so hard you snort out loud which, by the way, is embarrassing because it echoes in there. Not that I’d know or anything… *whomewhistle*
.-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Oh Garth, How Do I Love Thee… =-.
Your keynote was the WHOLE reason I wanted to go to BlogWorld and stalked you via video. And honestly you did not disappoint. You are amazing and I appreciate you kindness in letting me rush the stage and forcing my stuffed dog upon you. (I kind of just made it sound like my dog raped you… oopsie)
Thanks again. I got a great picture and a memory for a lifetime.
.-= Steph´s last blog ..Social Media Tools Are Dirty =-.
NOTHING: *is more pimp than that picture*
If you notice Snoop is really trying hard not to check out your rack. I, on the other hand failed at not checking it out. *sigh*
.-= Eric´s last blog ..Updated Life Adventure List =-.
“The Pope is a cannibal and eats kittens…” I knew he had something really feline going on. Gives a whole new perspective to what all those backwoods inbred Baptist dumbasses used to call us: Cat-lickers.
.-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Blitz, Boo-yah, Spartacus and The Statue Man =-.
Jenny, you livened up an otherwise desperately boring panel. Guy’s a really smart gut, but only when he’s talking about business I’ve come to realize. He can’t moderate worth a damn. I predict no return invitation for him.
When you were talking about Tweeting a zombiepocalpse at the show and you said “Then the cops would come and it’d be great”, Chad Vader should have said “these are not the zombies we’re looking for”.
.-= Mark 2100´s last blog ..Think like the Enemy thinks =-.
Snoop is so clearly being marked by you.
Or treated.
Shit. Why can’t I get this whole slang-business right?
(I will never think of fried octopus balls in quite the same way again.)
I’m somewhere in minute 20 of the keynote right now because I can’t fast forward to your part, and really, couldn’t they have just cut it out so it’s just the four plus minutes of you? Maybe remixed to Drop it Like it’s Hot?
.-= Vicki´s last blog ..Russian President Medvedev, it’s like you’re trying to fail on purpose by cutting down on beer =-.
Thank you for posting that video about how to sell passive surface mount components.
.-= William´s last blog ..Jealous =-.
Seriously, I was so pissed that they were running so late bringing you out! I actually asked my sister if she thought that you really got bite by some guy!!!!! You were awesome! We were hoping to see you at the Studio 54 Tweet Up but I guess you weren’t there.
.-= LilSis´s last blog ..4 Days 2 Bloggers 1 Giant Mess =-.
I laughed so hard watching the video. I thought it was great, but a little anti-climactic when the zombie apocalypse didn’t actually happen. WTF? But then the hepatitis from the wine bottle totally made up for it.
.-= Stacey the uthostage´s last blog ..I will not let Twitter ruin my good mood. =-.
Watching the video right now. You totally nailed it! And I think Guy Kawasaki has a crush on you. 🙂 Kevin Pollak didn’t know what to make of you and he was totally afraid of putting that bottle to his mouth. Wuss. 😉 F*ck I totally missed the Zombie Apocalypse. And I am all for “supporting the bully” so count me in! So how much did that bottle go for on eBay?
.-= submom´s last blog ..“I want to be your personal penguin” =-.
Also, I just need to ask this one question: Why did they play 70s porn music before the panel?!
.-= submom´s last blog ..“I want to be your personal penguin” =-.
So pimpalicious. fuckin love it
PS–the look on your face says “no snoop hon….IM the pimp bitch”
.-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..My ticket to hell =-.
We vote for the bald guy..By the way does every white pimp have to be bald?? And every black pimp have long hair??
.-= Rob´s last blog ..Samuel L. Jackson =-.
Finally got to watch the BWE keynote talk show thing. I never knew Guy K. was such a douchebag. I mean, he single-handedly re-defined the term while sitting behind that desk. He thinks he’s the total shiz-nit, but doesn’t have the nutz to play the Larry King game or bust out some Fresh Prince?! You could all relax and make fun of yourselves, but he was too uptight to do the same?!
Whatever happens in Vegas – stays in Vegas … but I’m glad you broke the rule and shared anyway 🙂