The day before yesterday I got invited as a “member of the media” to go to a Planned Parenthood thingie. I think it was a fund-raiser or a plan to picket them or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention to that part because all I really wanted to do was meet Joan Walsh, Editor-in-Chief of Salon.com, and they said if I showed up I could go to a special blogger/media chat afterward with her. I got there about five minutes before the Planned Parenthood presentation ended and snuck into a back table and nodded solemnly while people talked about something that was probably important. Then the presentation ended and I expected to get wooshed into a room with like a hundred media people but turns out it was just eight of us. Which is terrifying because you can’t hide in the back and play on your phone with only eight people in the room and it was even worse because there were like six important Planned Parenthood people milling around to help us, plus some guy who looked CEO-ish, and Joan Walsh and her handlers and this is when I thought I was going to have a panic attack and I thought about hiding under the table but instead I just made my way as far from Joan’s side of the table as possible so I’d be less noticeable if I suddenly freaked out but then after everyone sat down I realized that we were at a board-room style table and I was heading one end and Joan would be on the other and she’d be looking right at me and would totally realize I was wearing a wig and would probably think I was some sort of stalker and would throw me out. Awesome. This is when I started to sweat a lot and took some xanax. I only remember pieces of the rest but luckily I wrote most of it down so I’m just going to transcribe what I wrote in my journal at the time. Also, I like to think that this is probably exactly the sort of thing Dan Rather is writing when he’s taking notes at important press meetings. From my journal:
Everyone else at this table has laptops. I have a broken camera that I’m pretending is a tape recorder so I’ll look more professional. No one is buying it. Also, I’m writing in a Smokey and the Bandit journal. With a pencil. Hi, I’m eight.
Some guy is talking to us. His name is Peter. I am awesome at this.
Hang on. His name is Pete. Fuck. I suck at this.
Media-lady -in-charge just said “Since you’re all online you can check out our sex education link at http://www.blah-blah-I-didn’t-write-the-url-down-because-it-was-long and then she came around to help everyone find it on their laptops and totally saw Smokey. She’s looking at me strangely. Probably because she wonders where you even get a Smokey and the Bandit journal. I lean over and whisper, “I have connections“. I don’t think she understood though because she looks unsettled. She probably thinks I’m in the mafia now. Which? Kind of awesome.
Laura Mayes is sitting beside me. She’s dressed like she’s straight out of Mad Men and looks super professional. I’m wearing my red wig so that if I embarrass myself I can run out and whip it off and come back in saying “Who the fuck was that red-headed chick that ran out of here screaming about fellatio? Do you people even do background checks before you let someone in here?” Then I’ll roll my eyes and be all “Carry on, Joan” like we’re old friends and she’ll be all “Do I know this woman? Why is she wearing the same outfit as the girl before? And why does she have a knee-high on her head?” It’s not a knee-high, Joan. It’s a wig-cap. You wouldn’t understand because you have good hair and aren’t emotionally unstable. This is when I take another xanax.
That Pete/Peter guy just said he has a blog on Mom Houston. “I HAVE A BLOG ON MOM HOUSTON!” is what I say in my head. In real life I was very quiet and acted unimpressed because this is how you act when you are on lots of xanax a professional.
“…I just sit around in my underwear…” ~ A mostly direct quote from Pete/Peter after complaining about the dangers of being misquoted in the press.
Joan Walsh = totally smart. I don’t even understand half the stuff she’s talking about. Like, she’s the kind of chick who could make a turbine engine out of palm trees if she had to. I’m just looking at her with a raised eyebrow like I may or may not agree with her because I kind of suspect that she’s just making shit up to see if I really belong here. Clearly I don’t, Joan. But everyone else here is smart too and they seem to be agreeing with her so I may just be paranoid. I’m tempted to take another xanax but I just reread my notes and I’ve already had two and that’s my limit. Thank God for Journals. This is probably why Dan Rather hasn’t OD’ed on xanax yet either.
Note to self: Joan Walsh does not swirl around in her chair like I do. How does she not do that? Maybe she purposely looks for a non-swirly chair to sit in. It’s taking all the strength I have to not push back from the table and just twirl around and around in this chair. Maybe she’s in a different chair than me. Hang on. Surreptitiously dropping my pencil to look under the table. Nope. She totally has the same chair as me. Fuck. Plus, now I think she thinks I just looked up her skirt. Awesome. I will never get invited to work at Salon.
We’re halfway through this interview and all I’ve written about is twirly chairs. Everyone else is asking questions about “torte reform” and “the cesspool of legislative something-or-another” and “abortion legislation”. I cannot contribute intelligently to any of this. I’m tempted to say that I had an abortion just so I could join in the conversation but it was actually a D&C and it was medically necessary so I’m not sure it counts. It should though because it totally sucks. I do not recommend. Also, people tend to stop talking when you bring up your D&C, especially at fancy press conferences with strangers. Trust me, I’ve made that mistake before.
Someone just asked about something that I don’t even think was in English. I think we just moved to Latin. I’m fucked. I’m not following any of these questions. Instead I’m just going to make up answers to imaginary questions. Just like the pros do it.
It’s kind of a shame really because I did actually have a question, sort of, because when I was high school I would go to the local Planned Parenthood and the lady at the front desk always had a fishbowl of free condoms, which was awesome, except that she’d stapled the Planned Parenthood card THROUGH the condom so it wasn’t actually awesome at all. And I was all ” There’s a staple through this condom” and the lady at the front was all ” Yes, the card’s there so you’ll remember to use it” and I’m like “No. There’s a hole. In the condom. From the staple.” And she looked at me like I was an idiot and she was all “The condom is sealed, so it’s protected” and I’m all “But you stapled though the package!” and then she told me to go sit down and kept stapling condoms and she was probably responsible for like ten thousand teen pregnancies and I was going to ask Joan if she could call that Planned Pregnancy and explain to them how staplers work since she obviously has some pull with Planned Parenthood but then I realized that that was like 20 years ago and the woman at the front desk is probably dead now so I didn’t bring it up. But if you are a teenager reading this and someone gives you a condom with a staple through it, for God’s sake, don’t use it. That’s my special message to you, slutty teenagers.
Important people are still talking about important things. I’m counting how many times I’ve swirled in my chair vs. how many times Joan has. 178 to 0 and counting. I’m winning. Or losing. Depends on what we’re being judged on, I guess. If it’s “form”, I’m totally in the lead. I’m kind of kick-ass at twirling in my chair.
Each of us was given a shiny golden envelope with “Planned Parenthood” written on it. I want to open it but no one else is opening theirs so I won’t. I get Laura’s attention by waving the envelope and I whisper “I‘ve got a golden ticket! All the abortions I want!” She moves to another seat further away from me. Probably because she’s never seen “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”.
” ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket! I’ve got a golden ticket!”
Holy crap, I will never get this damn song out of my head.
Interview is over. Thank God. My eyebrow muscle is spasming from raising it suspiciously for so long. Laura came back and explained that she moved because of her computer and she demands that I go talk to Joan since that’s the whole reason I came. While we wait for the room to clear a bit I push back from the table and twirl around a lot. Then Laura takes a picture of me pretending to be professional. We’re both a little shocked at how well I blend in:
Actual conversation between me and Joan:
Me: Hi! I’m Jenny. I’m a huge fan. I’m not really smart enough to follow all those other questions but the whole time you were talking all I could think about is the fact that you never swished in your chair.
Joan: Oh! Uh…what?
Me: You know…swished. Twirled? These are twirly, spinny chairs and you never spinned even once and it was all I could do to keep from spinning around to see how many cycles I could make with one push (my record is 11) but you NEVER twirled at all and you looked way smarter than me and probably part of it was because you don’t twirl and I was just wondering how you did it.
Me: Like, do you look for a chair that doesn’t twirl so you aren’t tempted ,or do you put a clamp on the chair so it doesn’t move or do you just tell yourself “DON’T SWIRL, JOAN”.
Joan: No. It’s just the valium.
Me: Dude. That is the best answer ever. High five.
Then I high-fived Joan Walsh. All this is true. Then she looked worriedly around and was all “Am I going to regret this answer?” and I assured her that no one ever believed anything I wrote anyway and everyone else in the room agreed and I was kind of proud that my reputation preceded me and also a little bit insulted. BUT THEN! Joan Walsh told me that I should cross-post this on Open-Salon.com and I don’t know what that means I think it means I just got made Assistant Editor or something. Except that I don’t know how to post to Salon-Open so I think that means I just turned down the position. Except shouldn’t the Assistant Editor position come with a secretary to publish this shit for me? I think so. So basically this is all my secretary’s fault. You are totally fired, secretary. Collect your last paycheck from HR. But first tell me where my office is. I don’t really need it because I work from home but I’ve got a lot of stuff in a storage unit I’d like to move over there because spending $40 a month to store old comic books and broken furniture is bullshit.
I just looked through my phone for a picture I took of my professional journalist set-up during the press conference but I can’t find it. I blame the xanax my secretary. But I just recreated it here for you. You’re welcome.
Comment of the day: Is it just me or does this post remind anyone of what a Planned Parenthood panel with Hunter S. Thompson on it would be like? Including the drugs and (in all likelihood) the wig? ~ Mae
142 thoughts on “This whole episode should count as community service and as another example of why I shouldn’t be allowed to mix with famous people.”
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I would totally go to a press conference of cats. They don’t stress about Xanax at those kinds of conferences.
Or so my cat tells me.
.-= Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..All The Blogs A Stage =-.
You’re my fucking hero.
.-= Susan Mercedes´s last blog ..Irony: Delivery Tag =-.
Do the drugs help you be this funny, or is it natural? Because if it’s the drugs, I want a list of what you’re taking.
.-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Get real =-.
Wait. What was in the envelope?!
Do you get paid in abortions? Or should I not joke about that?
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..The poster child for mandatory expulsion from Earth* =-.
I lawled myself.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..The National – About Today =-.
Joan did really make the valium joke, but she also said very vehemently that Jenny was very bright. Also, clearly much more interesting that the rest of us because I’m pretty sure you are the only one she checked out blog-wise and Tweeted to. I mean, right there on Twitter she said you terrified her puppy. Meanwhile, the rest of us kept hopping up and down saying “Pick me! Pick me!” in a very donkey sort of way. Wait, I think I maybe called *everyone else* except you an ASS. Nope, just checked, it was a political reference. Also, I think I was the only one doing the jumping and yelling.
.-= Julie Pippert´s last blog ..Imagine all the people…celebrating more birthdays =-.
How do you get more awesome every day?
I’ll have whatever it is you are having!
OMG, you make me laugh so hard. I have a twirly chair at work but my feet get cold when I sit cross-legged b.c the skinny jeans cut off my circulation (effing FASHION) and it’s not comfortable to sit normally so I sit on a yoga ball. I bounce, I lean, I roll, but I can’t twirl. I’ve also had loads of coffee today (for me, loads = 1 shot of espresso) so I’m doing more of all of that. Except twirling, cuz i can’t.
.-= la_florecita´s last blog ..Nope. Not Jealous. =-.
Now why don’t I ever get invited to shit like this? Well, I did get invited to some church thing awhile back, but church people scare me and I think they were actually some type of cult. Great. The world of journalism shuns me, but cults love me. Go figure.
.-= Twig´s last blog ..Douchebags of the Week: Climate Change Deniers =-.
Oh, hilarity. Good luck with your assistant-editorship.
I’m sick and I already can’t breathe but now I can’t breathe more because I’m laughing so hard about you high-fiving Joan Walsh who doesn’t twirl in her chair because she’s on valium. Next time you should sneak into her room early, replace her valium with M&Ms and then see what she does with that shit. I bet she twirls. You’d be a hero.
.-= shine´s last blog ..It’s Friday, we should break up – Pretty much everyone on any airplane, including you Mr. Turtleneck Sweater Airline Flight Attendant. =-.
I was one of the eight in the room with Jenny. And, to be honest, I got just about as big a kick out of meeting Jenny as I did meeting Joan Walsh. The valium comment is real and we were all nodding and saying, it’s OK, valium is totally safe for The Bloggess.
First I can’t ignore the cat…too cute. Thirdly, I wish you would head all my company’s meetings because we could all get notebooks from the 70’s…I would want the HR Puffnstuff one but that’s me and instead of Xanax I would take Vicodin and you could all take pictures of me drooling. Dude I’m so going to put a proposal together on Monday on how we should run future meetings using the Bloggess approach.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Rainy Days and Fridays Always Get Me Down =-.
So what was in the golden envelope?
You know, I actually didn’t open it until now. I had to go back out to the car to find it. It’s a flier about the press conference. That we were just in. And an envelope in case you want to donate to the action fund. Not nearly as valuable as free abortions. But the presentation of it is quite fancy.
I. MUST. HAVE. THAT. JOURNAL!
Lucky for you I’m scared of Texas, so I can’t steal it from you. Poo. Where could one find a bad ass Smokey and the Bandit journal?
Also? Fabulous interview. Yay for chair twirling!
.-= Juanita´s last blog ..luna_x: Sad to miss the celebration in LA tomorrow, but excited that the Ventura celebration is tomorrow & not next weekend like I thought! =-.
My cat horns her way into important pictures, too, because she’s an egotist and asshole, but then all cats are. She attends all my business meetings, because I work from home, so my meetings are better because of the cat, and because I have the most twirly chair of all.
.-= Barbara´s last blog ..How to Get Fewer Followers on Twitter and Why This is a Good Thing =-.
So in all this what stands out is that the wig makes me think porn star. Excuse me, adult film actress. And I don’t mean that to sound mean. Because I think it’s ok to look like a porn star. As long as you don’t actually do porn.
But if you do porn, I guess that’s ok too.
I think I need to lie down
.-= WM (@twinmomoftwinz)´s last blog ..If it doesn’t have 140 characters or less…I’m out =-.
I just twirled in my office chair. 14. FTW.
Here via a link from Joan Walsh on Twitter. This is the best summary of a panel EVER. Kudos!
And what the hell did I just say ? Damn I need a filter. Or some medication. Gawd I hope that comment didn’t sound totally insulting. Sometimes I think I’m being funny.
But I’m wrong.
.-= WM (@twinmomoftwinz)´s last blog ..If it doesn’t have 140 characters or less…I’m out =-.
You are the best journalist I’ve read in years, and that is no joke.
.-= Chookooloonks´s last blog ..authentic you interview series: elizabeth irvine (and a very cool giveaway) =-.
I see where I went wrong in my writing career. When I had a magazine column I’d go to press events with a Dukes of Hazzard composition book, but I put a pink heart sticker over Daisy’s shorts because she had a bit of a cameltoe thing going, which I thought was unprofessional. For me, I mean–it was probably a smart career move on her part. But I borrowed the sticker from my niece, and it wasn’t big enough to cover her entire shorts-wearing area, so it just looked like she had a sparkly pink heart over pubic area, which another writer told me looked like “a desperate plea for attention.” But I wrote a drinks column, and only went to press events where they were introducing booze and passing out bottles, so he was probably drunk. And now that I think of it, that probably accounts for why I, unlike you, never met Joan Walsh. Which is all for the best, because the liquor wouldn’t have mixed well with her valium, and you can’t get a good quote out of someone when they’re having their stomach pumped. So my career would have gone down the toilet anyway.
.-= Scott C.´s last blog ..Shoes For Industry! =-.
You know, cats probably would have made Joan Walsh twirl in her chair. Just sayin.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..i stopped making plans in college =-.
So don’t tell my boss, but for the last two hours I’ve been getting paid to develop a bad Larry King impersonation, which has nothing to do with your post really, but made me think of you because I learned about bad Larry King impersonation thing during your keynote at BWE…and have become slightly obsessed with the whole game since. Thanks a lot Kevin Pollack! Anyway my impersonation is coming along nicely and now I think I may include something about xanax because what I’ve learned from this post is that xanax makes things funnier…that and don’t use stapled condoms. Both valuable bits of knowledge I am writing in my notebook ( a plain one with yellow paper, not a supercool retro one like yours).
.-= Jason´s last blog ..Blog World Expo 2009 Session Notes from Deb Schroeder at ChattyGal.com =-.
Never ever going to get that song out of my head.
?I’ve got the golden ticket. It’s ours, Charlie! I’ve got a golden sun up in the skyyyyyyy?
There will be consequences for this, I hope you know.
*humming* hm mm mmm mmmm mmmmm
.-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..What Are You? HE’S A VAMPIRE! DEAR GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE! =-.
I’ll have to remember the broken camera for fake tape recorder trick. Although my mom was once asked “is that a recorder?” about her phone. Not even an iPhone or Android or anything like that, just an unremarkable 3+ year old pocket phone.
.-= Shawn K. Quinn´s last blog ..2009-10-24 Special Edition LOVIEE (Halloween) =-.
“But if you are a teenager reading this and someone gives you a condom with a staple through it, for God’s sake, don’t use it. That’s my special message to you, slutty teenagers.”
Best line ever. Maybe because our local Family Planning did EXACTLY the same thing. Also, my GP gave me some condoms once, inside a booklet on safe sex. Only the condoms were nearly 2 years out of date, so that was a big fail. Luckily, I was more responsible then and was on the pill. Which I paid for by selling (unstapled and within date) condoms to my friends.
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Alternative uses for Chupa-Chups =-.
Frick. Those are supposed to be music notes, not question marks.
.-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..What Are You? HE’S A VAMPIRE! DEAR GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE! =-.
F-ing hilarious, as usual.
.-= Jessica @ How Sweet It Is´s last blog ..Trivia Friday #1. =-.
I would have cried from laughing so hard, but then the boys at work would have made fun of me SCREW THEM.
.-= Azucar´s last blog .. =-.
Good God woman! What was in the envelope? Some reporter you are!!!!
You could be the first female president. With different wigs. Just nod and smile and carry around your super professional journal with speeches. it would be awesome.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..Determination caught on film =-.
This is the best blog post in the history of blog posts. Blogging should really just stop and take a moment of silence for this one. The “awe” kind of silence, not the “someone’s dead” kind of silence.
.-= Havi Brooks (and duck)´s last blog ..Friday Chicken #64: pretty pretty princess edition =-.
As always you are the greatest. I know I’m going to test out the twisty chair at my next meeting!
That was awesome. I love that you really took a Smokey and the Bandit II journal to take notes in. I took a Tinkerbell one to a recent event, it’s so much less distracting than having my laptop open with all it’s temptations.
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Gotta Catch Santa Claus =-.
wow. and to think i actually went to journalism school. what a waste. i shoulda just studied at your feet.
.-= the planet of janet´s last blog ..Everything’s up to date in Kansas City … or, uh, somewhere like that =-.
Now I don’t feel so bad for taking medical notes for my son in a National Geographic Kids “Expedition” Journal! WTF – it *is* an expedition, after all!
This whole time I thought you were talking about Joan Crawford.
.-= shauna´s last blog ..I can’t help it if my vagina heals faster than most mortals =-.
People in Twirly chairs and Xanax = Most Effective Re-Creation of First Grade.
This is the kind of diorama that people want to see in museums.
You are wasting your talent with this writing shit . . . you should be working as a design curator at the Smithsonian.
I am only trying to
even further fuck upenhance the conversation.
“No. It’s just the valium.” You just totally elevated Joan Walsh’s stature in my mental evaluation of people. It goes like this: Jenny, Mother Teresa, People that twirl in their chairs, people that don’t twirl in their chairs because of medication and CONFESS TO IT so the previous group do not feel bad about it, People that don’t twirl in their chairs and look down on the rest of us, People that don’t twirl in their chairs and lie about their medication so they are both liars and hypocrites.
I think I used two condoms from that same office. I have two kids. I am not suggesting any cause and effect. I am just sayin… Too bad that woman is dead now ’cause some days I want to yell at her for “What have you done?!”
And your cat should totally be featured in the morning news program and on HuffPost like that Crasher Squirrel.
.-= submom´s last blog ..“My parents were awesome” – The antithesis of People of Walmart =-.
When I was in school, I did a TV interview with a national network. The kind where on TV it looks like the interviewer is looking comfortingly at the interviewee, but really, everyone is just staring into a cold, empty camera halfway across the country. MY cameraman had to wave and “scream” (that is, whisper with big mouth movements) to stop. So, there’s me on national television nodding “ok”. To this day I sit in my office twirling my chair muttering “fuck you, Newsworld”. It sometimes confuses my coworkers.
So, yeah. Flashbacks, my chair-twirling-sister.
.-= harmzie´s last blog ..Very Small Rocks =-.
I looked all around to try to find the correct address to ask you a sex question. But I couldn’t find a good e-mail address so I’ll ask the question here:
I have a lot of questions about Brazilian Fart Fetishes. It kind of makes me upset and afraid that this phenomenon exists at all, then again I am not a pro who writes about clowns rubbing other clown gonads like you and I don’t know anybody who associates “gaseous waste” and “orgasms” so I don’t know how to answer my own questions.
Can you please talk to some Brazilian lesbians who fart on each other and file a report?
Rev. Louis Wrenchlock IV
.-= Reverend Lous Wrenchlock IV´s last blog ..The Way the Wind Blows =-.
I today finally got a comment that can build a better environment. Here we go:
”I can’t just ignore ‘the cat’ ”.
.-= Maicon Soares´s last blog ..Never giving up =-.
You are really creative and talented and the cat is just absolutely lovely.
.-= Maicon Soares´s last blog ..Never giving up =-.
Jesus, Jenny. I love reading you, but you exhaust me. I have to go lie down now.
I really super like your notebook, but Burt Reynolds looks like more of a “Pedro” in that picture 🙂
Golden ticket envelope contents = major let down.
The press conference flier is code for free abortions. They can’t just print something that says “free abortions for life” now can they?
.-= Susan´s last blog ..in the tall grass with the big dogs =-.
I tried to leave a comment a minute ago, but my effing cat stepped on my keyboard, speaking of assholes.
Anyway, I’ll send you some real Reporter’s Notebooks, if you want, though to look like a professional journalist you’ll have to lose the gorgeous wig, wear slubby clothes, slump, and carry a flask of whiskey in your left boot. Which might not work so well with the xanax.
.-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Weekly parent: All hail “Wimpy Kid” =-.
I hate meeting important people. HATE it. I once met Anthony Edwards and all I could do was roll my eyes and say, “GOD, you must hate having to talk to people like us”. And, then I pet his suit and told him how soft it was. True story.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Television? Oh, my kids never watch. . .(cough) =-.
They should TOTALLY have cats at press conferences! People would pay way more attention because they’d be all “whoa, that cat is totally taking a crap on Joan’s golden ticket! What an asshole.”. See? Awesome.
.-= Miss Yvonne´s last blog ..Rhymes With Mock Ding =-.
Jenny you crack me up! You look really good in wigs too.
would you please tell me the name of the font that you use on the red blocks of your photos? like the one that says “ignore cat.”?
I totally have to swirl in my chair too. I can’t help it.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Grey’s Anatomy S6ep6 =-.
You should’ve brought the cat and just told everyone that he was your secretary. And occasionally pet him and quietly mutter, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget” just to freak everyone out.
I was an assistant editor once. The cat is good practice.
.-= Amelia Witherspoon´s last blog ..GiST Part Friday =-.
I read this post twice. Once here and once on salon. It is the kind of post that is so enjoyable that you don’t want it to end. Really hilarious.
.-= nanodance´s last blog ..A Message From the Sunshine Day School =-.
I have TOTALLY got to get my doctor to prescribe me some Xanax!! Maybe then I too could have a good blog.
PS What was in the golden envelope??
.-= Martie´s last blog ..Wine, Rain, Trash And A Tiny Headache… =-.
I thought you were kidding about the Smokey and the Bandit Journal. Happily, I was wrong. More importantly, there is a drawing of Smokey. Or is that the Bandit? I am so confused.
.-= Dani´s last blog ..Flashback Friday: The Dating Blues =-.
So just started following you on twitter this week and just read this blog post and wanted to say I cannot stop laughing. Thanks so much for that wonderful story. Btw-i have a fonzie comp book. Won’t even write in it though; it is too cool for words (literally).
So I’m reading this and I’m trying to pay attention, but I keep getting distracted by the fact that you wrote all these notes in a journal, with a pencil, BY HAND, and I’m all, “I don’t think I know how to write by hand anymore and the internet and computers and typing in general have completely ruined my life and omg for fucks sake how did her hand not FALL OFF during this note taking extravaganza?!” And then I thought that maybe Xanax makes you lose feeling in the hand that you write with so that you can write and write without cramping up and if that’s the case, I clearly need to get some Xanax, like, stat. Or I just need to get a secretary to write everything out for me. Only she can’t come from the same secretary land that YOUR fake secretary came from, because all of those bitches are obviously total asshats.
.-= nicole antoinette´s last blog ..how to break the mental health taboo =-.
I went to an all women’s college, and one night a year we threw a party that boys came to. Lots and lots of boys. and the dorms would take all the condoms past the expiration date and staple them to the bulletin boards…there were always a few missing the next day.
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..A public service announcement: Boys are distracting… =-.
I don’t know who any of these people you mentioned are, and I think Planned Parenthood must be the place they kill the babies at, but I do love you. And your Smokey journal. Keep up the good work.
.-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: I could fill your pool….. =-.
I bet you are awesome at nodding solemnly. It’s a great skill to have. You can build a whole career on nodding solemnly at the right moments. But you shouldn’t put it on a resume.
.-= michael5000´s last blog ..The Reading List: The Scarlet Letter =-.
God, it makes me wish I had a twirly chair right now. The shitty one at work is broken, and squeals hellishly if I even try. It’s just a big f’ing tease of a chair.
And thank God that you weren’t raised by a woman who BUYS A TWIRLY CHAIR, AND THEN TELLS HER GRANDSON’S THEY CAN’T TWIRL IN IT. OR SPIN IT AROUND AND AROUND. BECAUSE YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO. YOU’LL BREAK IT.
Made me want to put a rocket on the thing so it twirled right through her floor…before we stopped speaking to each other. And I was much happier. Go figure.
On a completely different subject, new-ish reader – is the wig just for fun? I like it, just wondering…
We had an office chair olympics at my last job and the record was 15 spins with one push. But I think he was hopped up on ‘roids.
.-= SupaCoo´s last blog ..Starting off on the wrong foot. =-.
I only ever made nine spins, but I’m an old fat guy. And I don’t have a wig. And you’re hilarious.
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Pushmi-pullyu =-.
Warning slutty teenagers to beware of condoms with messages stapled RIGHT THROUGH THEM as distributed by Planned Parenthood may have been THE BEST MESSAGE to come out of that event. Totally. Way to trump an entire international organization, Jenny!
.-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Road Kill Fandango, Galahad and The Mother Truckers =-.
LOL it was very funny I enjoyed it 🙂 thanks for sharing you make my day …I will keep visiting this blog very often.You’re site cracks me up. I love this story. You are very talented with your writing.
Best post ever. Nothing more to say, but a lot of coffee to clean off my keyboard. Thanks – I’ll send you the bill.
lol very funny. Heres my secret: I wanted to marry “the bandit” when I was little. And I wanted Sally Field to fucking die cause she totally had him in those movies.
It was Sally Field right?? IDK. doesnt matter. I didnt get the bandit anyway.
.-= peedee´s last blog ..Happy Halloween! =-.
Let’s not even pretend that you don’t hear this often, about how fucking hilarious and awesome you are. Old news. But I just really want to say that the most fucking-hilarious-awesome-plus-bitchin thing about you is that you make no apologies. None. For being you. And if that sounds like the end-message of an after-school special, I don’t apologize. You know why? Because reading your blog reminds me that NOT apologizing is better and much more real. And fucking awesome. Like you are.
But that’s old news.
Anyways, today’s post was by far some of the best of the best stuff and I hope you figure out how to post to Open-Salon because.. Just because.
Thanks for keeping it real, every time. Whoot.
.-= sandyb´s last blog ..You plan. God laughs. =-.
1. I love you people.
2. The name of the font I use in my photos is “Just me again down here” from picnik.com
3. I wear a wig because I have an anxiety disorder and wigs make me feel like I’m someone else so I’m less likely to have a panic attack. Plus, I’m on a chemo drug for my arthritis and so my hair is even thinner than before. Plus, I just really like wigs. They’re terribly addictive.
4. Inside the golden envelope was just a flier about the event and an envelope in case you want to donate money. It was a little disappointing after the build-up.
5. My secretary came through with Open.Salon.com and somehow I ended up on the front page of it. You’re rehired, secretary. Take the weekend off. (http://www.flickr.com/photos/thebloggess/4038758088/)
Crap. I was going to volunteer to be your secretary, but your stupid fired secretary came through so now she’s hired again. So, I tried to spin in my chair (my record is 1). Then I tried to make my dog look like a cat, but it only worked if I got real close and crossed my eyes. Now I can’t uncross my eyes, so I’m blaming your stupid fired now rehired secretary.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Signs of stupidity =-.
your my freakin hero…and your cat is awesome. he looks just like my winston that passed away 5 years ago…boo hoo
.-= dina´s last blog ..The Goddess Keeps Banging Me on the Head Its Time to Listen! =-.
How you managed to not inquire if aborted fetuses would be able to take part in the Zombie Apocalypse is a testament to the power of Xanax.
On a non-unrelated note (wtf?), I once got behind a car with this license plate:
I read it as ‘love to D&C’ – thinking it was a really proud abortion doctor all, like, ‘BRING IT ON, PRO-LIFERS! BRING. IT. THE FUCK. ON!”
My wife thinks it was ‘Love to Dance.’
I like my explanation better.
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Motivational Filler – Smart Thinking =-.
You are SO entertaining! I’m the only dork in the world who hasn’t seen “Glee”, as well as the only dork who hasn’t been reading “The Bloggess”. Duh. Love the staple through the condom story! Hysterical.
.-= Chris´s last blog ..I Didn’t Finish My Post On Procrastination =-.
Have you heard about the cat cafes in Japan (birthplace of virtually all weird ideas)? You can go pet cats and drink coffee. I think we can all agree it’s a very short step from cat cafes to cat conferences. And then straight on the cat hotels, cat universities and so on. Everything’s better with cats.
.-= jamie´s last blog ..Paris: 5 More Family Favorites =-.
okay … you are brilliant .. my board room office meetings are SO boring … I’m going to resist the urge next time and twirl in my twirly chair just to see what everyone else does!! Keep you posted…. or …. I’ll let you know I’m looking for another twirly chair job!
Great post – thanks for the fun!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..IT’S FRIDAY!!! …and it’s a soul train night .. =-.
Take all of your words and then replace them with stupid drawings of, like, flowers and crap, and you have my high school and college notebooks. I don’t know why I don’t have Xanax yet, I feel kind of left out. It’s pretty sad that the Planned Parenthood lady didn’t realize that stapling would undo the seal. Hmmmm, on second thought, that was probably a really good idea on her part. It’s called job security! My stupid office chair will only twirl 1/2 way around. Dumb chair. And, my cat is also an asshole. But not because he always gets in my pictures; because he is always trying to kill me. Constantly. In fact, he’s sitting in the corner right now with his “plotting your death” face on. Asshole.
.-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Rumer & Qix Review and Giveaway =-.
I really have nothing to contribute here.
I just wanted to try out a new name . . . . sort of take it for a quick stroll, so to speak.
Not that I don’t like the neighbors or wish them bad. We get along. Except for the asshole across the alley down back. Everybody’s got one of those somewhere, I’m sure . . . . mine just happens to live across the alley down back.
Anyway, thanks for letting me stroll. It was great. Love what you’ve done with the porch decorations.
That was awesome, I don’t think I’ve taken time to tell you how much you make me laugh lately. Thanks.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Never Say Never =-.
There are times when you make me smile, but there are other times when you make me snort in inappropriate venues. This was one of those times. You are just something else…
.-= Rob´s last blog ..Sophie’s Choice =-.
You already live large in my heart. You know that. Now, you just live even larger. When I saw you on Salon (which is my home page) I spit my coffee on the computer, squealed, and fell in love all over again. I just love that you high-fived Joan Walsh and got her to share her Valium secret with you. She did it because you’re you. Thank all that is holy for that.
.-= nakedjen´s last blog ..Birth and death are easy. It is life that is hard. =-.
This is fantastic. I was going to write a more creative and interesting comment but then I realized that my comment is #4,560 on this post, so I was like, “Ehhh, Fuck it. She’s never going to read my comment anyway.” The end. High five.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..Guest Post: Single Is Not A Problem That Needs to Be Fixed =-.
I say this in every literal sense: I just laughed so hard I cried. And attracted a ton of attention that I wasn’t so much looking for.=And caused people to back away slowly… But it was so worth it!!!!
You are hysterical!
.-= Chrysalis´s last blog ..Hi ho, Hi ho… =-.
“I’ve got a golden ticket . . . I’ve got a golden ticket. . .”
I’ve seen the movie.
I laughed so hard the back of my head hurts. I made my husband listen to me read it to him. Except I was laughing so hard, I’m sure I did not do you justice.
.-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..Drama Queen =-.
Are you sure you didn’t just describe my first visit to Planned Parenthood when I was 16? Because I swear I felt like I needed a Xanax then too.
.-= meredith groenevelt´s last blog ..back to normal =-.
I think I just wet myself from laughing so hard.
Also, what was in that golden ticket? Smack?
.-= Matt´s last blog ..I have an addiction to… =-.
Uhm… I need to learn to read comments before posting.
.-= Matt´s last blog ..I have an addiction to… =-.
DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! They should TOTALLY have cats at press conferences. That would rock. I love the look on your cat’s face too. It’s like “Holy Shit Jenny… you took too many xanax again, didn’t you? Sheesh! You embarass me.” LOVE that about cats.
I was going to say that of course the cat was there, duh, the one with the blue wig, but then I started skimming the comments and decided against it. So I just tried swirling in my chair, but banged my ankle on the desk’s legs. So I’m just here to say I blame you for the pain in my ankle :p
NEVER try to twirl while sitting in a dining room table chair. Just take my word on this. Is it cold compresses, heat? Or heat then cold?
Great, thanks Jenny now I can’t get the damn Golden Ticket song out of my head.
You almost need to hire a personal assistant to chaperone you.
.-= annie´s last blog ..Who Can I Offend Today? =-.
I was stuck in meetings at work for two days this past week, and I was in a twirly chair, and I totally spent the entire time (the long, long, excruciatingly long entire time) doing ceaseless little almost-half-turns back and forth, back and forth. Never turning far enough so that I wasn’t facing mostly forward. It was hypnotic and lulling. Of course, I also obsessively scratched the side of my right index-finger with my right-middle-fingernail, until I suddenly noticed that I had somehow managed to give myself two blisters by doing so. Seriously. (And then I promptly peeled those blisters apart, and I still have not-completely-healed spots on the side of my finger. I should have gone for the full twirl and saved myself the injury.)
You are made of Win, beautiful Jenny. Win…and drugs.
.-= Miss B´s last blog ..Alarm Clock In A Glass =-.
Dear Bloggess, If you ever need to expand your *kingdom* outside of the U.S, please know that there is a secretary waiting for you in some distant, remote village in the Orient where they actually do eat babies and zombie ninjas making perpetual stabbing motions are commonplace on the streets as knives lying around at home. Bra straps and milk ducts not included.
.-= Daphne Ling´s last blog ..I’m having an Easter Egg Hunt in the middle of October =-.
I’m SO with you on the twirly chairs. I can’t not move. I’m constantly swiveling back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in our office meetings once a month at work. I’m the only one who does it out of 11 people, I’m the only one who does it but I Just. Can’t. Not. It’s this horrible compulsion. Every month, month after month I wait and hope that I’ll see one of the other 10 swivel in their chair. But it doesn’t happen. I’m sure it drives at least one of the other people in the meetings crazy. I hope it’s Bitter Betty. Yeah, she’s bitter.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..On the lighter side… =-.
So I was twirling in my chair to see how many I could do but then I got dizzy and lost count and now I feel sick.
Also, everyone in the office is looking at me strangely. Nothing new there then.
.-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Computer Terms Illustrated =-.
Is it just me or does this post remind anyone of what a Planned Parenthood panel with Hunter S. Thompson on it would be like? Including the drugs and (in all likelihood) the wig?
I laughed to such an extent that I felt I should comment, because I believe you should always praise people when they do good things (just like dogs and fat children), but it’s hard to think of something to say that could feasibly follow Planned Parenthood and Xanax.
Hi. You’re totally my favorite. I like the side story about Planned Pregnancy, that was classic. People are really dumb. That is all.
What really sucks is that your wig looks eleven million times better than my hair. And I have good hair. Please buy cheaper wigs so I don’t develop (another) complex. Thank you.
.-= Lori´s last blog ..Hazards of Daytime TV =-.
You should make shirts.
I’d buy ’em.
I am so happy to have found your site. You truly keep me laughing!
Just wanted to let you know that I added your blog to a “lovely award” backlink on my site today. Along with a direct link to your “Wesley-Anne” post.. which still makes me chuckle when I think about it!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..One Lovely Blog Award =-.
Are you sure the cat wasn’t there? I don’t think you can really state unequivocally that the cat wasn’t there, because of the meds. I can’t believe I spelled unequivocally right…I did, right?
.-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..Back Away From Her Uterus…..And Nobody Gets Hurt =-.
Oh my God. You are hilarious. I’m gonna read more. Keep it up.
jenny, great mani … I’m stealing your broken camera idea, its golden.
.-= Kimberlee´s last blog ..not so trigger happy. =-.
OHMYF’ING Goodness i popped a rib laughing so much
I just gave you a One Lovely Blog award. And it’s because of hilarious posts like this.
I know I’m not the first person to give you this award but, what the hell, you deserve a hundred of them. Or a thousand. Whatever works for you.
.-= ittybittycrazy´s last blog ..Dear Diary – The Lovely Blog Award =-.
Next time turn your notebook sideways, flip it open, and pretend that it’s a mini-notebook computer. If it helps you can draw keys on the page.
HA! I have that notebook to 😀
Speaking of awards, I’ve been nominating Jenny in two categories at the Mashable’s Open Web Awards. This one: http://mashable.com/owa/votes?v=The%20Bloggess&c=6 (funniest person to follow) and
you can also nominate her for the The Best Blogger to Follow. You can vote once a day in each category.
Love you Jenny. You make me want to be your best forever friend. Or older sister. Or perhaps I’m old enough to be your mother, but then that wouldn’t work ’cause I’d worry about you when you’re out by yourself. So for sure, sister or best forever friend. (((((HUGS))))
.-= Cher´s last blog ..Elvis Presley: A Fashion Icon =-.
Omg! I think I just found my Blog sister! I totally love to play on the computer after I take my ambien..My daughter has block me and said it was worse than dialing drunk! i’m so happy i have permission NOW ! not that i need it but I hate to relax alone. Type on!
I love the red wig. You should totally pick one up in black for the whole Elvira-effect. Unless you already have one of course. In that case, carry on.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About FarmVille But Were Afraid to Ask =-.
My cat’s a photo whore, too. I thought that she just got it from me, but maybe they are just born with it, like that tail-twitching gene. Then again, maybe your cat learned it from you, too, and we’re all just bunch of photo whores with cats.
You’re seriously like a thousand different kinds of awesome. Did you know that?
.-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..When they first called me “mom” =-.
I have a headache now.
.-= Motherofthemonth´s last blog ..Prop 8 =-.
Currently twirling in my chair while popping Xanax
.-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..It shoulda been a simple in and out kinda deal =-.
Never never never never never never NEVER trust someone who doesn’t twirl around in their chair at a meeting. Those people are douche bags.
.-= bejewell´s last blog ..It’s Really Only a Matter of Time until Someone Stabs Me, and That is Why This List is Necessary =-.
That was so stressful just reading about that I either need some of your xanax or I need to go back in time in a xanax time machine so that my mother can have planned parenthood abortion so that I can not be here right now reading this and feeling so stressed out, but then later I need a time machine that also goes forward (or does it have to go back again) so that I can be born, because, you know. I’m awesome and also, who the fuck is going to make dinner around here if I’m aborted.
More Xanax please.
And what’s up with the wig? Is that related to the Smokey and the Bandit theme? If it is, I get it. If not, I don’t.
.-= well read hostess´s last blog ..Lush Life =-.
It’s about time Salon got some decent editors on staff. Congratulations.
Will you keep a Judy Garland candy dish on your desk? If so, I’ll be by to visit often.
.-= califmom´s last blog ..I Need A Sponsor =-.
Stunning wig. With that hair, who cares what everyone else is doing? You just have to sit there and look Tres Chic-y.
.-= Lihsa´s last blog ..Live Streaming Conferences — Learn From My Mistakes!! =-.
Ah! Remembered! Was going through lolcats, and this one rang a small bell, but took me until now to really listen to it (don’t ask, you *know*, which is one of the reasons why you’re awesome), anyway, link: http://icanhascheezburger.com/2009/10/25/funny-pictures-wuldnt-happn-hipokrit/
What was in the freakin’ envelope?? Don’t leave me hanging!!
.-= Stacie Haight Connerty´s last blog ..Small Talk Six – 6 Costumes =-.
Oh. My. God. I can’t stop laughing. Seriously. I love you.
Why don’t you have a follow button?
.-= Tatyana´s last blog ..It’s Mostly Over =-.
Love the wig! And I think I have found my long-lost run-on sentence twin!
From now on, every single time I see Joan Walsh on MSNBC or any other news show, I’m going to wonder if she took her valium pre-interview so that she would not be tempted to twirl around in her interview chair. I’m pretty sure that’s all I will be able to think about the entire time she’s talking. Damn it.
For the record, that wig is fabulous…
Well, I think congratulations are in order for making Joan’s day far more interesting than it would have been otherwise! She’ll definitely remember you after it.
…though I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing. For either of you. Ho hum.
Can you please write a blog post entirely devoted to a more detailed story of your trips to planned parenthood and the old lady and her stapler? I almost jacked I was laughing so hard at that part… and the rest, but mainly that part.
Okay, so I laughed and laughed at this post. The only problem is that I work with two super-religious, conservative gals. So when they asked me why I was laughing, I quickly minimized this blog and told them I was reading a recap of The Bachelor. I don’t even watch The Bachelor. Luckily, they didn’t ask any follow-up questions.
How does your wig hair look better than my real hair?
Also, I think my days might be better with Xanax…
Just spent the last 30 minutes spinning in my chair at work .. How the heck did you spin 11 times?! The most Ive done (so far) is 8 (7 3/4 actually but it was close enough) ..
*starts spinning again*
Holy Shit! You are like the female Hunter S! Did you ever meet him? I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post.
P.S. My notebook has whimsical ducks wearing gumboots holding umbrellas. You know, cos ducks need protection from the rain. But I write with a pen, because I’m a *professional*.