This is how my whole life goes

This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to be on twitter:

PS.  My friend MariaMelee is truly amazing and her roach spray review was like the Iliad of roach spray reviews.   She’s awesome.  I’m going to go to bed now.

Comment of the day: So…does that mean we’re not getting roach spray? ~ Steve

80 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Dibs on Athena when this becomes a musical. She is totally and completely bad ass.
    .-= LiLu´s last blog ..I’ve Got a Dirty Little Secret… =-.

  2. I can’t go a day without sticking my foot in my mouth. Toes are all pruny from being soggy from saliva.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Dirk =-.

  3. Open mouth. Remove foot. Rinse and repeat.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..24 inches of blech! =-.

  4. It’s only fair that someone learn from my mistakes since I sure as hell don’t seem to be able to.

  5. Bloggess Bug Spray: Roaches enter, have their Achilles tendons slashed, then limp to their deaths.

  6. You didn’t include anything about how Maria said she’d gotten paid in the souls of dead ants, which was definitely a highlight of RoachSprayGate.


    God we suck.

    I want a redo.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..lived in =-.

  8. I usually get paid in sand crabs. This is MUCH better.
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..No nap, Mom! My not tired! My!…*snore* =-.

  9. PS I think we let the roaches win this one. Somehow.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..lived in =-.

  10. Let me know when they’re giving out the freebie fake cheese. I will totally write the SHIT out of that.
    Please don’t mix it up with the roach spray.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Evidence =-.

  11. Don’t hide in a corner! You didn’t take the roach spray – THERE COULD BE ROACHES IN THE CORNER!!
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..I Am Afraid Of The Dumbest Things =-.

  12. You’re both lovely and frankly THERE IS NOT ENOUGH ROACH SPRAY IN THE WORLD because they will be the last survivors of nuclear holocaust along with Twinkies and Cher. 🙂
    .-= Loralee´s last blog ..RED LETTER DAY! =-.

  13. Is “roach spray” some kind of euphamism, like “iPad” is supposed to be?

    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Photo of the Day: Sculpture in the Park =-.

  14. So, does that mean we’re not getting roach spray?

    Also, “Tremendous Douchebag” is a good name for a band.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#126 Slogan =-.

  15. It’s not your fault. I mean it’s sorta your fault. You should give some away to make up for all the smack talk about roach spray though. We could at the very least huff it.
    .-= tara´s last blog ..Bunny Love =-.

  16. Maria, you are not allowed to apologize. You are full of awesome.

  17. Please let me know when tickets to Tremendous Douchebag, the Musical are available…
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Love Bites =-.

  18. I wouldn’t complain if I was paid in chocolate. Or cars. Or unicorns. Okay, maybe I would complain about unicorns, I don’t really have enough pasture for any more hooved creatures. Even ones with awesome horns and glitter shit.

    But roach spray, well, it would be useless as we don’t have roaches. Could I use it to keep away sparrows and starlings? What about earwigs? Snails? No? No roach spray for me.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Twelve Months =-.

  19. I once had an ant in my right ear. My mum was trying to get that little bastard out of there for a good half hour. I was in tears, thinking of all the shenanigans that little fucker could be getting up to inside my head. Also from the pain of my mother digging around in my head with a bobby pin for a recalcitrant marauding insect. Finally, she prevailed and the squirmy little git was dug out and promptly jumped up and down upon with all the fury my porky little 8-year-old self could muster.

    If my mother had been paid in roach spray, my life could have turned out very differently. Not necessarily better, just different.
    .-= Heidi´s last blog ..The nest of a sparrow. =-.

  20. I’m hoping to give away slug bait, myself.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I can handle 21 inches =-.

  21. You have 32000 followers and this is one of the first times you’ve been overcome by guilt over something you said on Twitter. This week. That’s pretty good odds!
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Kidney Stones are my worst enemy and other ER stories =-.

  22. Dude. That was the best emopants fake twitter fight ever. I love you both. Can we be sisterwives?
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Say Something Nice – GREEN SWEATER DAY =-.

  23. How do I get some roach spray to review? Are you giving some away? What? 🙂
    Speaking of bugs, here’s some personal trivia: I sleep with my ears covered all year because I have a phobia about a moth flying in my ear.
    I know you wanted to know that.

  24. You turned down a chance to write a modern day Illiad? No selling out for you, eh? I’m in awe.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..I Am Not an Evil Stepmother =-.

  25. i had a flea in my ear once. i didn’t realize it was so hairy in there. WOLVERINES!!

  26. Could you do hotel review, where roaches check in but they don’t check out? I’d like to see that as a musical. Please.
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Back in the Groove. Sort of. =-.

  27. Wow. Roach spray. fly spray? mosquito spray? Strine’s don’t get so many roaches….
    .-= adulterousellie´s last blog ..Still working hard. =-.

  28. What I don’t get is that I follow BOTH you and Maria and I didn’t catch any of this. Damnit. It must be my stupid work getting in the way of all my twittering. I’m quitting. So I can see more fake twitter fights over bug spray.
    .-= Randa´s last blog ..Apparently I’m already Clean? =-.

  29. I spend most of the time surprised that I get paid, but would probably draw the line at getting paid in roach spray: I would need to find roaches, and then that would be the start of a whole downward spiral or hanging with the wrong bugs (also, not getting paid in money really hurts your credit rating) and I just can’t see that ending happily so I’d probably prefer the money if that doesn’t seem too fickle. Or, actually, even if it does seem fickle I’d still prefer money. Stop judging me.
    .-= Ninja´s last blog ..Former BP boss Lord Browne admits sexuality fears =-.

  30. In your defense…how on GOD’S GREEN EARTH would you have known anyone would be talking about roach spray today!! That’s like saying, “If I gave away crap would you all give me one too?” And someone saying, “I’m actually giving away crap today on my blog…” The odds of that happening are slim. And I’m not making fun of the roach spray by any means…it’s just random.
    .-= gingela5´s last blog ..“The Sauce-a You Can Have, But the Secret? She’s A Mine…” =-.

  31. I don’t understand any of this, but now I’m craving roach spray. (That’s code for “White Shoulders”, right?)
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Ug. Gs. =-.

  32. Well, every single one of the tweets you’ve sent directly to me have been just fine. Yeah, it’s only been one, but that’s a 100% success rate! That’ll bring yer average up! 🙂

    Foot-in-mouth happens. It was like Mercury retrograde wasn’t done with you and snuck back for one last jab. So, really, it’s the fault of the planets.

  33. When you tweeted that you were “A tremendous douchebag” I had no idea what you were talking about or who you were addressing and I got very confused so I found myself thinking, “Yes, she really might be.”
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..When I’m 88 =-.

  34. Douchebags? Roach spray?

    Once again… I sit here…kerfuckled?

  35. I could use some ant spray. Can you hook me up?

  36. Douchebag? No, the fact that you tweeted something derogatory about roach-spray reviewers and inadvertently offended someone who actually reviewed roach spray makes you The Most Unintentionally Hilarious Person on the Internet … and you already held the title of The Most Intentionally Hilarious Person on the Internet … so there goes my chance of at least stumbling into the former title by accident. You’ve screwed me over again. Christ, I hate you.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..40 =-.

  37. I would be so thrilled if I got paid in anything. I would take roach spray or crap. I write crap, so why not get paid in crap. Its totally fitting.

  38. Don’t mind me, just enjoying the show.
    A Lot.
    .-= MommaKiss´s last blog ..Just a simple question =-.

  39. you seriously need a “like” button for your comments, like Facebook – but only better because you have more followers.

  40. “Tremendous douchebag” would be a great brand name for… um… douchebags.

    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Cooties =-.

  41. You are a tremendous douche canoe. I can’t believe you forgot! Not really, but you know what I mean.

  42. Re: the roach spray review — I laughed. I cried. Two enthusiastic thumbs up.

  43. ? – ??

  44. From roach spray to douches. Hmm. There’s a book idea for you, “Cockroach Extermination using Douches for Dummies”.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..My daughter has a new favorite word, I might be out of the running for mother of the year. =-.

  45. Roach spray and douche bags do not go well together. The toxins get all up in there and then she started twitching oddly and vomiting. It was an interesting ride while it lasted.

    Also, I thought they came in bottles, not bags…
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..Stop, vagina time! =-.

  46. Look, I’m going to huff anything that comes in a spray can, regardless of who reviewed it, gave it away, or used it as compensation. I’m just saying. Yay roach spray.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Search Optimization-ish =-.

  47. I normally get paid in STD’s, so there’s that.
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Go Ask Aunt Becky =-.

  48. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the words tremendous and douchebag used in the same sentence before, but it works.

  49. I am not on twitter because I rarely think be fore I speak, and I hardly ever shut up. I would annoy the shit out of anyone who followed me. Just ask my friends on facebook. And I would totally review roach spray – the bugs in the islands are like fucking wildebeasts.
    .-= Daffodil Campbell´s last blog ..Where’s the whores at? Costco, it turns out. Oh, and Ace Hardware. =-.

  50. In your defense, how the fuck could you possibly have seen that coming?! I mean, roach spray?! Honestly?!
    .-= mesina´s last blog ..There’s just nothing like being a winner =-.

  51. Totally hysterical….

    Holy crap… roach spray is way more popular and tweet-worthy than I would have guessed. Who knew?

    I am going to shamelessly steal “tremendous douchebag”, that is a ‘wow’!
    .-= Brahm´s last blog ..Kreativ Blogger Award: I’d like to thank the academy… =-.

  52. Roaches can be killed by an epic poem of dactylic hexameters?!?!?

    Man, these little motels seem like a ton of overkill now.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Panning for Golden Showers =-.

  53. Nobody puts The Bloggess in a corner. Not even The Bloggess. Besides, I *just* sprayed for roaches there…
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..Timeline: =-.

  54. “Nobody puts The Bloggess in a corner. Not even The Bloggess.”

    Wasn’t that on a movie sometime ago? If not, it should be!

    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..WHAT WAS HE THINKING!? Oh, right, he wasn’t =-.

  55. She wasn’t the only one who was a little miffed. Turning down free roach spray like some elite, above-free-roach-spray snob. Or are you trying to rub it in that you don’t have roaches? You hate poor people, don’t you? No wonder Target is always fucking with you.

    Meanwhile, roach spray company, I would be happy to review your “death” in a can. I’m convinced that at least 25% of my readers (my sister) would buy it. Of course, that’s totally dependent on its effectiveness. I will not be your whore and your product review will be completely unbiased (unless I get a free can, then it’s the best death spray ever).
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Search term update: Die Outsider Ponyboy =-.

  56. Even if you agreed to review the and & roach spray, I’m not sure you could ever top this from hers: “I haven’t seen any roaches to try to kill. Which is awesome. . . . [But] based on how dead it made the ants, I’m guessing it would also kill the crap out of a roach.” Not that you aren’t Homeresque in your own right. Just that: why would the company even bother requesting another review after praise like that?
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..When A Six-Year-Old Asks =-.

  57. if you’re going to be any kind of douchebag, tremendous is the way to go
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..2 hour delays =-.

  58. It’s the whole thing about doing a sponsored review, isn’t it? Already us bloggers are awkward about doing one in exchange for that “could-live-without yet somewhat enviable item” without having the Bloggess of All rub it in.

    Just kidding, Jenny. You’re an angel. Love you loads!

  59. *snort* Awesome.
    .-= Al_Pal´s last blog ..Sensitivity: I have it. =-.

  60. #assslap too fucking awesome
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..Valentines Day-love it or not here it comes =-.

  61. Foot in mouth? I called my Father-in-law a ‘sorry S.O.B’ I will not be washing my foot off. It wasn’t an accident.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Have You Ever Wanted To Call Your Father-In-Law a "Sorry S.O.B.?? I Did! =-.

  62. I TO-TALLY read that as “Cooch Spray” which is totally something we’d review.
    .-= Mrs. Flinger´s last blog ..Avatar + Rush Limbaugh = Me =-.

  63. I reviewed this aerosol spray that claimed to take the smell of pet urine out of furniture and carpets. Yep, I got paid in pee-odor-remover spray.
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Here Comes The Snow, Little Darlin =-.

  64. Good job asshat. I am sure she doesn’t hate you.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Panic at the deli =-.

  65. Whoops – although I am not going to lie, I am not that interested in roach spray … but if you get the opportunity to write a review for opossum spray that’d be great. Just Sayin’
    .-= Deidre´s last blog ..Surprise…grumble grumble grumble…SURPRISE. =-.

  66. OMG, this is the danger of twitter. It’s waaaay too uncensored for me.

  67. I do this. Every. Single. Day. Sometimes several times.
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..A bitch, pure evil and a rapist walk into a room… =-.

  68. i’m cracking up from the comment that the roaches will survive with twinkies and cher!! and i totally forgot what i was going to say.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..My How Things Have Changed =-.

  69. Does Roach spray come in individual bottles or just the economy bar-size 40ozer?
    .-= habanerogal´s last blog ..On Resolutions =-.

  70. I think you need a pick me up!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..HOLY BAT CRAP! =-.

  71. I have done this before. Except it was with people, and I was talking about a genetic disorder. And my friend had it.

    I feel your pain.
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..I really hoped I would never hear dolphin and ball gag in the same sentence, but that hope was dashed tonight. =-.

  72. Does anyone else think that “tremendous douchebag” would be like a really awesome name for roach spray?

  73. Wow… roach spray as a topic on a sex blog, now there’s a blending of topics I never would have predicted, and uite frankly hope to god never to see again…

    Funny stuff though!
    .-= Brahm´s last blog ..Kreativ Blogger Award: I’d like to thank the academy… =-.

  74. reason number 11896 why I heart thebloggess

  75. Oh man, it’s like you stole a script from my life on the foot in the mouth-ness (is that a term? It totally should be.)
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..And now we have the clap(per). AKA yes, we really are THAT lazy! And creative ways to make the clapper work. =-.

  76. “the Iliad of roach spray reviews.”

  77. omg
    I think I just invited on twitter, someone who is kinda stocking me .
    by mistake of course
    I was just trying to see if he’s using it
    stupid machine
    stupid me
    I think I beat you all

  78. We are all tremendous douchebags. We just are. But you’re pretty great, according to me. If you knew some of the stupid things I’ve said just since December 30th, you’d laugh. I’m talking terrible, cringe-worthy things. None of them were meant to be anything but loving, and the people around me knew it. Still, it made me hate myself just a little bit more.
    .-= Tammigirl´s last blog ..1,000 Tiny Little Kisses =-.

  79. P.S. If someone offers to pay you in cupcakes or high quality furniture please point them in my direction.
    .-= Tammigirl´s last blog ..1,000 Tiny Little Kisses =-.

  80. Jenny, you know I like your stuff. I could say “great post” but I will give you a “weird post” instead. 😉 No such thing as bad publicity, right?

    But I must also say that your reader comments can be better than the posts. Except for a few that really are not funny and who need new writers.

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