The Shorty Awards hate ponies

Okay, remember three weeks ago when a twitter award contest banned me and peed on the Constitution and then I became the Czar of Martindale Texas and then I found out that I reported to cat that lives at city hall?  If not you should go back and read the summary or just skip this post altogether because last week the Shorty Awards graciously offered me tickets to go see someone else win the award that I was robbed of. Which is both mildly insulting and also kind of brilliantly hysterical.  I salute you, Shorty Awards.  Unfortunately I’m not going to be able to make it to the Shorty Awards because the committee is now refusing to respond to me.  Our actual emails from last week beginning with their email to me:

Hi Jenny a.k.a. Czar of Nothingness,

We’d like to offer you two tickets to the Shorty Awards ceremony on March 3 in New York City. Please let us know if you’re able to attend. We look forward to meeting you in person.

Sincerely,

The Shorty Awards Team

My response:

Hmmm…it actually does sound tempting.

Can I bring my boss,  C.C., as my date?  Would she have to bring her own litter box or would you be providing one?  Also, she has a problem with bald people so it’s very important that we not be seated near any or she will totally fuck them up.  Seriously.  I haven’t seen it personally but I’ve heard stories.  I assume she probably got kicked by a bald person once and it just stuck with her.    It would actually be ideal if you could ban any bald people altogether or maybe just pass out wigs at the door.  Also C.C. must be accompanied by her secret service people.  They don’t need seats though.  They can just stand in the back.  Also, what type of weapons are legal to carry in New York because they usually just use rifles and we don’t have a lot of time to retrain them if they need to bring less obvious weapons to the ceremony.  Sorry to be such a pain.  There are snipers everywhere.

Hugs,

Jenny, Super Important Government Dignitary

Their response:

This could be a problem. Our executive producer is completely bald.

~ The Shorty Awards Team

My response:

Ooh, okay, that really *is* a problem.

Also, CC seems really hesitant to leave city hall so instead I’m thinking she should send a stand-in.  My parents have a pony I can borrow.  It’s a small pony but she can’t really sit so I’ll need to be in the handicapped row so that she can stand.  Unless your executive producer is also allergic to ponies. Then I’m going to assume you’re just fucking with me.  Also, you didn’t answer my question about the guns.  How many guns can we bring?

PS.  The pony cannot walk up stairs.  Do I need to bring my own ramps or will they be provided?

That was 5 days ago and so far, no response.  Because the Shorty Awards hate ponies.  You know who else hates ponies?  No one.  Everyone loves ponies. Even Hitler loved ponies.  Probably.  The point is that the Shorty Awards are obviously robots who plan to enslave the world and who haven’t been taught how to love ponies yet.  Nice try, robots.  I would never go to your award show.

PS.  I just want to clarify that C.C. is actually fine with bald people.  I just threw the you-shouldmake-everyone-wear-wigs thing in there the same way that rock stars always ask for a bowl of green m&m’s backstage.  They don’t actually eat the green m&m’s.  They just use that as a barometer to see if people are paying attention to all the ridiculous clauses in their contracts.  If they don’t see the green m&m’s then they know that they’re not being taken seriously and that the albino hooker they asked for is probably just really, really pale.

UPDATED: In the interest of science I googled “Did Hitler have a pony?” and found no record of Hitler ever having a pony.  Which is probably what made him go all batshit-crazy and kill everyone.  Lack of ponies. Also, he was possibly missing a ball.  According to Google suggestions.  Who really just need to quit it.

Just stop it, Google. Also? Hitler would be like 120 years old now so yeah, I'm fairly sure he's really dead. Hitler was an asshole...not a vampire.

Comment of the day (non-ironically chosen by popular vote):

Ponies, like dolphins, are secretly more intelligent than humans. Unlike dolphins they secretly manipulate world political events.

Who rigged the 2000 Presidential Election? PONIES.

Who canceled Star Trek? PONIES.

Who killed Kennedy? A SECOND PONY ON THE GRASSY KNOLL!

Never turn your back on a pony. They will so stab you. ~ The Great Joe Bivins

92 thoughts on “The Shorty Awards hate ponies

Read comments below or add one.

  1. if they provide you ramps, are you still not going?

    can I go instead?? I guess I could find a pony, or steal one.

  2. And I forgot to say that I am pretty sure Hitler did not have a pony. My dad fought in WWII, and he told me the Poles (of which my dad was one) had all the ponies, which is why they were taken over in only 11 days.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Family Night =-.

  3. The M&M’s thing? That was Van Halen’s way of catching promoters who wouldn’t read the band’s contract rider. They were actually asked to remove all the brown ones. And I know this, because I know way too much about Van Halen.

    Also? Van Halen fucking LOVES ponies. Just like everyone else. Every except the Shorty Awards people. Assholes.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Shhhhhhhh. =-.

  4. Google’s been filling in some weird things for me too these days. I wonder if I’m getting up in my sleep to google strange questions…

  5. Hey, Daddy Scratches, you’re blaming the urge to correct your typo on OCD? That’s waaay cooler than just being anal. Which is how, up till now, I’ve been explaining myself. Ups to you!
    .-= Pam´s last blog ..Pathe-tic News =-.

  6. You’re officially my favourite politicians. None of the others have dared to take a strong pro-hair position yet. Some of them are even bald themselves. I know.

  7. i think that you should move on to the next awards ceremony that you could potentially win/disqualify.

    aren’t the oscar’s pretty soon? i have a feeling you could mos def compete in the “best documentary- short subject” category.

    and then you can post about how the academy hates ponies.
    .-= Joy (www.freckletree.com)´s last blog ..black and white wednesday: i used to get drunk and play with my friends. now i just get drunk. =-.

  8. I thought Hitler invaded Poland specifically because he was jealous of their prolific pony prides?

    Points for alliteration, I win.

    Shorty awards LOSE! I hope they all go bald. Or that Poland’s prolific pony prides pry their hair out. Then they’ll be bald!

    (I win the alliteration prize again.)

  9. Jenny, everyone knows that celebrity cats don’t have regular secret service people. They obviously use walruses that poke peoples eyes out with their tusks. But only people with mustaches. Unless they have the Tom Selleck stache. Then it’s ok.
    .-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..Dear Yawn =-.

  10. I heard that Hitler loved ponies…so much so that he ate them. And they were talking ponies…well they couldn’t talk but they could spell! And he or someone else in that general area ate them. My husband tells me I need to let the whole LIpizzaner stallion thing go. It just disturbs me deeply. I tried to find a link to the story that during World War II an American reporter came across a group of horses that could spell and answer questions and at one point told him they would talk but their vocal cords weren’t formed correctly but I could not find one but I know I read that. I did a report on the paranormal for my senior research paper and that was one of the stories I researched and it totally messed me up when at the end of the story it said the horses disappeared and were assumed eaten. That is just so wrong.
    .-= lanned´s last blog ..Elephant man in a dress =-.

  11. Was this post inspired by the Seinfeld rerun last night? It was the one where Jerry and Elaine upset Jerry’s relative Manya (from Poland!) by saying they hated people who had ponies. She gets upset and says that when she was a little girl she had a pony that she loved and everyone had ponies…Jerry doesn’t understand how an immigrant could have a pony. Best line: “Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non pony country?!”

    If not – that’s one crazy coincidence.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pony_Remark

    yeah, i need a life. or a pony. or both.

  12. Despite what Stephenie Meyer would have you believe, it’s probably possible to be both a vampire AND an asshole.

    That may explain Hitler perfectly now that I think about it….

  13. Those “ridiculous clauses in their contracts” are actually called “riders.” Coincidentally, people who sit on ponies and force the ponies to carry them around are also called “riders.” Conclusion: The Shorty Awards can suck it.
    .-= Evn´s last blog ..The Key Is in the Cards =-.

  14. Ponies, like dolphins, are secretly more intelligent than humans. Unlike dolphins they secretly manipulate world political events.

    Who rigged the 2000 Presidential Election? PONIES.

    Who canceled Star Trek? PONIES.

    Who killed Kennedy? A SECOND PONY ON THE GRASSY KNOLL!

    Never turn your back on a pony. They will so stab you.
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: Unpopular and Undead =-.

  15. I only recently discovered your blog, and have been poring over the archives. And I’m pretty sure you’re my hero now because you still put 2 spaces after a period. Oh, and you’re also snarky and hilarious.

  16. Speaking of Wolverines . . . so last week we’re at a restaurant with my family and my 4 year old is sitting on my husband’s lap. My mother reaches over while she’s talking to someone and starts patting and rubbing my daughter’s knee, only she was really patting and rubbing my husband’s leg, but didn’t know it. When she realizes it, she jumps, everyone laughs and my 90 year old grandmother goes, “You better watch her, she might be one of those Wolverines.”

    Ummm . . . .Cougar?

  17. I can’t believe they hate cats and ponies!! I mean, why didn’t the producer offer to put a wig on, or something?! Doesn’t be care about making up with you? And C.C.? This is ludicrous (The word, not the singer).
    .-= Windsor´s last blog ..Hell yes, I’m all caught up! =-.

  18. Fuck the ponies! I have 2 puppies that are demons in disguise. Yesterday, they ate my couch. (I am not kidding you.) In the time it took me to read these comments, they were under me silently gnawing off the end of my computer charger. They tried to eat my husband’s foot off in his sleep. They are way cuter than any damn pony, so no one will know until they unleash HELL at the Shorty awards and tear the place up and eat the bald people’s heads off, because they think they’re all giant hot dogs in formal bunwear. Wait till you see how these spawns of Satan can trash a hotel room, too! Just a little added bonus.
    .-= joann mannix´s last blog ..At Least It Wasn’t My Bono Purse =-.

  19. Because Hitler is obviously NOT DEAD since there is such damning corroborating evidence like Rachael Ray’s questionable rise to stardom, I decided to instead Google ‘DOES Hitler’ vs. ‘did Hitler.’

    “Does Hitler come in zombie Nazis?”

    Like this is even questionable.

    Bloggess. I fear the apocalypse you so feared is nigh.

    Not that the whole ‘Rachael Ray’ stardom thing wasn’t the first tipoff, but whatever.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Panning for Golden Showers =-.

  20. This shorty award thing is starting to piss me off. Here is why. I know stuff. I mean I read US weekly, I watch E! every night (with !) and I have not heard of these LAMECITY awards. Yet they are being such snobasses that I want to teach them a lesson. Have you reverted just to prank calls yes? That’s always my fallback plan. I would also like you to vlog that shit.
    Hearts.
    .-= MODG´s last blog ..SHE’S BACK. A blizzard with Suri. =-.

  21. The google suggestions totally weird me out. It’s like a person who interrupts without a clue of what you are ACTUALLY saying. I’m all STFU google. Awesome blog by the way! 🙂
    .-= Sam´s last blog ..Puerto Riiiiiiico! =-.

  22. Anti-pony and anti-potentially- bald -headed -avoiding- cat people? Oh say it isn’t so! We are not going to the shorty awards either! It has nothing to do with the fact that we were not invited, mind you. We are taking a stand!
    .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Jersey Shore in the Snow =-.

  23. In all the movies I’ve seen I’ve never seen a German on a horse. Or with a pony. Hitler had a car. Cars are the root of all evil. That’s why I don’t have one. Yeah…THAT’S why. *ahem* anyway, who has time to sit around wondering about Hitler’s junk???? I say go to the stupid awards and take me. We’ll embarrass every bald person there. We can stand at the doors taking a collection for America’s Testically Challenged.

  24. My dad told me I could have a horse if I cleaned out the dog run that came with our house. I spent all day cleaning vines, weeds, and dirt out of there. When I was done, my father said, “This neighborhood isn’t zoned for livestock, silly. We can’t get a horse!” Then I kicked him in the eye. Okay, not really, but I should have.

  25. Target has not messed with you nearly enough if you didn’t say “Hitler was possibly missing a *bawl*.”

  26. Hitler didn’t have enough sexy to be a vampire. I can’t believe I just wrote the words Hitler and sexy in the same sentence. Clearly I am doomed to hell.

    Thank you for your blog and making me laugh when my life is hell. Can I love you in a girl love kind of way?
    .-= Sandy´s last blog ..Closer to Fine =-.

  27. executive producer mike dubin is a freakazoid born with 3 balls and 1 nipple. do not mess with him. hitler’s batshit crazy was child’s play compared to what this circus sideshow is capable of. this guy eats ponies as a breakfast appetizer.

  28. Oh my god, I was totally going to be clever and Google “did Hitler have a pony?” and then I read two more sentences and found that you’d already done it. Thanks for stealing my thunder.
    .-= Rachael´s last blog ..Sightings =-.

  29. I feel like Google knows something we don’t. Cuz I’ve never heard ANYONE ask if Hilter only had one ball. And Google is all “Oh no, I definitely heard that somewhere.” And we’re all, “Suuuuuuure Google, whatever you say.”
    .-= Busted Kate´s last blog ..Seen Outside the Court, Part 2 =-.

  30. I can understand their anti-pony stance. Ponies are evil bastards. They suck you in with the whole cute furry little horse malarkey, and then kapow they rip your hand off and kick shit out of you whilst you are lying on the ground screaming in agony holding your bloody stump. And then you get called “Stumpy” or “Lefty” for the rest of your life no matter how much you hate it. And you are traumatised every time you go to ToysR’Us by the My Little Pony display. Bastard ponies. Evil I tell you.

    (Okay I may be a little delirious from lack of sleep. Please excuse my little anti-pony rant. I’m sure some ponies are lovely and I may just have met the one meth addict pony with a rather bad attitude).
    .-= Michelle Roger´s last blog ..How To Spot A Sick Chicken. =-.

  31. I just Google Imaged albino hookers, because I wanted to give you the gift that keeps on giving (?). But, alas all that came up were albinos or hookers. There may never have been a photo taken of an actual albino hooker in it’s natural environment. That’s it! I have found a new and exciting quest… I shall go in search of the illusive albino hooker! Thank you once again for giving my life meaning all powerful Bloggess!

  32. Not only does Google auto-fill a search for you, now they want to TRACK YOUR POSITION and POST IT ONLINE so every crazy fucking pony-hating Hitler-lover in the world can find you & pluck your hairs out one by one. This sounds like it would end up being very, very painful. Plus, I like my hair. I’m keeping it. Back off, pony-hating Hitler lovers!!!

    “Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non pony country?!”….that’s excellent!

    Stay strong, Bloggess! Your day will come!

  33. And you know what else? Talk about an axis of evil, Mao, Hitler AND Stalin all had one ball. What? You heard it. And Mao, also a known pony eater.

  34. Speaking of stabbings, I volunteered at the Highway Operations phone bank today to receive calls from angry citizens who have been trapped in their homes for days by the blizzard. One such citizen was in a rage that our truck had left a 6 high ‘ x 10’ wide slug of snow in his driveway. He said he was going to track down the driver in his truck and deal with him in person. We had a little tally going in the office of the numbers of happy and unhappy calls. Of course the unhappy tally was much, much longer. I drew a dagger as a tally mark in this column and told the other volunteers that my last caller was feeling “stabby.” Which of course you made up. And it is now the favorite new word of the Division of Public Works of Frederick County, Maryland. You’re welcome.

  35. Eff that shit…I think you should start The Bloggess Award for the site that hate ponies. You would have all of our votes! Need I say more?

  36. There is an actual movement “Humans United Against Robots,” http://www.keithandthegirl.com/huar/HUAR.html ~”Robots will uprise. HUAR will be there”

    If by chance you haven’t heard of Keith and the Girl, aka KATG, they are from NYC and the #1 comedy podcast.

    I am in no way affiliated with KATG, I only give a babillion shits about spreading the love.
    .-= Poison´s last blog ..2010 is going to kick some ass, hopefully in a good way =-.

  37. I just went to google and googled Did hi…and most of those came up as well as Did Hitler have a union…but I read UNICORN!!! See! Even HITLER believed in ponies. Or maybe the ponies killed him and did us all a service. And I bet he made it so that the Unicorns lost their horns for his own nasty-ness and became ponies ever after. How long have ponies been around? Since Hitler I think. he hates the ponies AND Unicorns too.

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