Okay, remember three weeks ago when a twitter award contest banned me and peed on the Constitution and then I became the Czar of Martindale Texas and then I found out that I reported to cat that lives at city hall? If not you should go back and read the summary or just skip this post altogether because last week the Shorty Awards graciously offered me tickets to go see someone else win the award that I was robbed of. Which is both mildly insulting and also kind of brilliantly hysterical. I salute you, Shorty Awards. Unfortunately I’m not going to be able to make it to the Shorty Awards because the committee is now refusing to respond to me. Our actual emails from last week beginning with their email to me:
Hi Jenny a.k.a. Czar of Nothingness,
We’d like to offer you two tickets to the Shorty Awards ceremony on March 3 in New York City. Please let us know if you’re able to attend. We look forward to meeting you in person.
The Shorty Awards Team
Hmmm…it actually does sound tempting.
Can I bring my boss, C.C., as my date? Would she have to bring her own litter box or would you be providing one? Also, she has a problem with bald people so it’s very important that we not be seated near any or she will totally fuck them up. Seriously. I haven’t seen it personally but I’ve heard stories. I assume she probably got kicked by a bald person once and it just stuck with her. It would actually be ideal if you could ban any bald people altogether or maybe just pass out wigs at the door. Also C.C. must be accompanied by her secret service people. They don’t need seats though. They can just stand in the back. Also, what type of weapons are legal to carry in New York because they usually just use rifles and we don’t have a lot of time to retrain them if they need to bring less obvious weapons to the ceremony. Sorry to be such a pain. There are snipers everywhere.
Jenny, Super Important Government Dignitary
This could be a problem. Our executive producer is completely bald.
~ The Shorty Awards Team
Ooh, okay, that really *is* a problem.
Also, CC seems really hesitant to leave city hall so instead I’m thinking she should send a stand-in. My parents have a pony I can borrow. It’s a small pony but she can’t really sit so I’ll need to be in the handicapped row so that she can stand. Unless your executive producer is also allergic to ponies. Then I’m going to assume you’re just fucking with me. Also, you didn’t answer my question about the guns. How many guns can we bring?
PS. The pony cannot walk up stairs. Do I need to bring my own ramps or will they be provided?
That was 5 days ago and so far, no response. Because the Shorty Awards hate ponies. You know who else hates ponies? No one. Everyone loves ponies. Even Hitler loved ponies. Probably. The point is that the Shorty Awards are obviously robots who plan to enslave the world and who haven’t been taught how to love ponies yet. Nice try, robots. I would never go to your award show.
PS. I just want to clarify that C.C. is actually fine with bald people. I just threw the you-should–make-everyone-wear-wigs thing in there the same way that rock stars always ask for a bowl of green m&m’s backstage. They don’t actually eat the green m&m’s. They just use that as a barometer to see if people are paying attention to all the ridiculous clauses in their contracts. If they don’t see the green m&m’s then they know that they’re not being taken seriously and that the albino hooker they asked for is probably just really, really pale.
UPDATED: In the interest of science I googled “Did Hitler have a pony?” and found no record of Hitler ever having a pony. Which is probably what made him go all batshit-crazy and kill everyone. Lack of ponies. Also, he was possibly missing a ball. According to Google suggestions. Who really just need to quit it.
Comment of the day (non-ironically chosen by popular vote):
Ponies, like dolphins, are secretly more intelligent than humans. Unlike dolphins they secretly manipulate world political events.
Who rigged the 2000 Presidential Election? PONIES.
Who canceled Star Trek? PONIES.
Who killed Kennedy? A SECOND PONY ON THE GRASSY KNOLL!
Never turn your back on a pony. They will so stab you. ~ The Great Joe Bivins