UPDATED: Ghosts are assholes. Ebay’s not that far behind them.

Ghosts broke my camera. True story.  But it was kind of awesome because 1.  GHOSTS, y’all and 2.  Victor can’t blame me for something ghosts did.  I mean, he tried obviously but he couldn’t make it stick. Best. excuse. ever.  And now I’m selling my slightly-broken camera on ebay and you should really go read the listing before they pull it.  Also, I’m throwing in one of my angry cross-dressing legos FOR FREE. I should totally go into advertising.

UPDATED:  Ebay just yanked my auction and not for the understandishable reasons of “You are fucking mental” or “You can’t sell goods that you claim were damaged by the supernatural”.  Instead they cancelled it because they believed I was trying to sell my cat.  And not even because selling your cat on ebay would be shitty.  It was because of the wording:  “PS.  The camera in the picture is the one for sale.  I took that picture for cleavage day.  Camera doesn’t necessarily give you cleavage but it couldn’t hurt.  Cat not included in sale.  Probably.  I guess it depends on how much you want the cat.  Make me an offer.  Hugs ~ Jenny”.    Because (I swear to God) ebay was pissed off that I might sell my cat and not give them a share. No shit, y’all.

From ebay: “We had to remove your listing because the following information violates our policy.  You have stated in your description: ‘Make me an offer.’ We understand that you may not have intended to avoid paying listing fees. However, fee circumvention is damaging to the online marketplace.”

Awesome.  I couldn’t even make this stuff up.  So I’ve relisted, making it very clear that I will accept no offers on cats or dwarves.  I had to add the dwarves part in there because I got paranoid when I was rewriting the description.  I blame ebay for all of this.  Here’s the new listing. You should probably go look at it now because if it gets pulled again they’re threatening to ban me.  Also, I apologize to everyone who bid but at least this is your second chance to rethink bidding on a mostly-broken camera.  To make it up to you, I will send an autographed picture of my cleavage to the winner.  Unless the winner is someone who doesn’t even read my blog and just wants to buy it for the lens.  Then they are going to be in for a hell of a surprise when they open that package.

And in entirely unrelated news…the weekly wrap-up of shit-I-was-doing-when-I-wasn’t-here using semi-colons incorrectly, creating inappropriate national holidays and yelling at Victor about the holocaust

The Vandals-Have-Struck-Again Edition

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on the internets:

    • Woman’s Day asked me to contribute a recipe for an article they’re running.  I sent them my recipe for frozen waffles that you eat while they’re still frozen and they fucking ran it, you guys.  Conclusion:  Woman’s Day is completely awesome or is just not paying attention anymore.
    • What I want for Mother’s Day.
    • Comment 271.  I can’t even stop laughing.

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    92 thoughts on “UPDATED: Ghosts are assholes. Ebay’s not that far behind them.

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Like I told you on Twitter, when I went to read the listing about the camera, those ghosts totally entered my browser and kept zooming the window in my browser. Creepy and also AWESOME.

      This totally validates your claim to both eBay bidders AND Victor and so you can use it in all of your marketing for the auction and also against Victor who probably hates ghosts because you got a new camera and he didn’t.

      You’re welcome.

    2. The ghosts in my house just orb up our photos. I can’t post a pic taken at home on FB without one or two of them jumping in and marring it as an orb.

      Fortunately, you can’t see orbs with the naked eye, but unfortunately, you can’t see them through a camera lens either or you could tell them to step to one side or the other – they prefer the middle.
      .-= annie´s last blog ..Sunday Morning =-.

    3. Ebay had better not pull it. That’s the funniest, “Broken Camera for Sale”, story… Ever!! Thanks for the laugh 🙂
      .-= Tickled Red´s last blog ..Her Hands =-.

    4. Because Sunday is Ebay day, I actually thought about bidding on your ghost camera but it was up to 25.00 when I looked. Good news though, I just won Star Trek on DVD for $4.25!

    5. Ok, the fact that womens day published your recipe, and a link to your blog tells me that either they have an awesome send of humor, or that totally explains why most magazines are gig out of business. Although I am thinking of subscribing now, just to see how much more you could screw with them… Keep up the good work and thanks fror the mother’s day laugh.

    6. Oh no, Jenny… it’s comment 272 that is THE. FUNNIEST. EVER. (still laughing my ass off!)

      I can’t believe Woman’s Day ran that waffle ‘recipe’. But they do need to mix it up a bit – that mag was a bit on the dry side until they ran your recipe.
      .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Who Bought Your Sex Toys? =-.

    7. OK. I was just second-guessing myself re: hate roll, thinking should it be “hate role,” but I was right. It’s just that it made me think of a really surly sandwich, like “I’d like to make him a liverwurst and jelly sandwich on a motherfucking hate roll.”
      But that’s not how I meant it. Even though ninja psychics totally deserve to be served sandwiches like that.
      .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..The Brain on Blog =-.

    8. Lord, I was wondering what the heck that photo of Hailey eating a waffle-on-a-stick was about. Next think we know you’ll have a whole cookbook of that type of thing!

      Oh, and Comment #271 totally made my week.

      .-= Ed T.´s last blog ..Happy Mother’s Day, Y’all =-.

    9. I was scared to click on the Asperger’s link because I had no idea what it was going to be and I don’t have much of a sense of humor about Asperger’s. But I was glad I watched that. Very sweet. I could not believe Woman’s Day ran the frozen waffle completely deadpan. Awesome.
      .-= Deana Birks´s last blog ..Well, I tried =-.

    10. For the first time in my life (and because of you) I have uttered the sentence, “I wish I lived in Moose Country”. And then I realized that probably wasn’t a moose. Was it?

    11. I thought Woman’s Day had developed a sense of humor until I got to the line, “See some of her other easy ideas here.” Which of course links to this post about asshole ghosts and cross dressing Legoes. They have no clue who you are. Awesome.

    12. You have cross dressing legos, too, huh? I guess I’ll take mine off of the shelf next to the Jesus-shaped cheeto and the animal crackers that were baked together that look like they’re humping each other.
      .-= Cole´s last blog ..Friday 5/7 =-.

    13. Last month, my seven-year-old daughter cut her hair and now has thin, wispy bangs. At first I thought it was because she’s young and didn’t know better, but now I’m wondering if she was drunk. Or if fairies did it.

    14. BAHAHAHA… comment #271… I think you should frame that and hang it in your bathroom above the toilet. It’ll be one of those things company can talk about after they return from the bathroom… which is slightly awkward when a bathroom trip entices conversation, but still better than other conversation that sometimes occurs after a bathroom visit… wait, maybe that’s just my house as I live with all guys.
      .-= sarah @ i run with scissors´s last blog ..Dear Mom (’cause I can be sentimental and shit) =-.

    15. Totally didn’t read ANY of that. I will. Pinky swear. I just wanted to wish you a happy Mother’s day before you many, MANY minions get at you. So, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!! Few women have gone through what you have to be a mom… mazal tov!!!
      .-= HannahBanana´s last blog ..Bitch Brigade =-.

    16. Dude, when you said Abusive Vagina, I thought you were going to talk about HOW some women take Kegel exercise too seriously and WHY it is a major concern.

      btw, THANK YOU for the Lego version of Eddie Izzard’s “cake or death”. I love that bit. Now I love even more. Off to tweet about it. BEST Mother’s Day ever because of this. Woohoo!!
      .-= subWOW´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday: A great week to be a misanthrope =-.

    17. Comments 271 and 272, the hugest LOL, ever.

      We used to live in a haunted house, and the ghosts were total assholes. They would move the dining chairs around at night, so if you had to get up to go to the bathroom, you were certain to run into at least one of them. At first, my brothers got in trouble for moving the chairs, until our parents figured out it was the ghosts, which then was pretty awesome, because if we did something wrong, we just blamed it on them. Serves them right.
      .-= Barbara´s last blog ..10 Twitterisms We Wish Everyone Would Stop Using =-.

    18. dammit, not quick enough … missed the ebay listing, which is what I get for actually working instead of checking my internets *sigh*

    19. I must reiterate: I love you. I’d say have my babies, but… hell, who wants to worry about those? I hope the ghosts continue breaking things cuz, y’know, eBay deserves it.
      .-= Beth´s last blog ..My Mommy =-.

    20. Can I just say that I totally want to go on ebay and be all “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!” but then I fear ebay would hold me to it, all showing up at my house with wooden batons and darth vader helmets ready to collect a small fortune I do not own. Though I do own a cat…perhaps this would assuage them?

    21. eBay once took down a listing because they decided I was trying to sell drugs.

      In fact, I was selling antique, glass, needle-free syringes. And I wrote that you couldn’t use them for anything drug-related, and that they were probably best for show props, etc.

      But, eBay took that to mean “please buy these and inject heroin into your eyeballs with them, in a quaint, old-fashioned way.”

    22. Oh, Jenny – Woman’s Day totally made you sound like the BEST. MOM. EVER. You are so going to be getting letters wanting MORE of your “cicle” recipes!
      .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Happy Mothers Day =-.

    23. Don’t take this the wrong way Jenny, but I’m not that far from Houston so I could totally drive there, buy you lunch, give you flowers, drive home and STILL not have spent that much on a broken camera. So while I loves to read ya and all that, I am not even about to spend that kind of money on a broken camera.

      Shit’s funny and all, but I’m just saying…

      Oh, also, I lied. I probably won’t bring you flowers cause it would be weird to me to bring another chick flowers and I feel weird enough without talking that out with my therapist too.
      .-= GuiltySquid´s last blog ..Updated: How I know that Karma hates mice. Not the pop singer from Canada, who isn’t real. =-.

    24. it’s the cross dressing legos driving the price up… I swear… plus the boobs and the cleavage, ghosts, and a camera, that’s the entire package and when you threw in the dwarves. Not to be confused with the actual sport of dwarf tossing, well that just sealed the deal… You try selling weird stuff. like uhm a broken hair clip, the underwire that has scooted its way out of an old bra, lets see how far this “stalkers with money” thing can go… Will ebay ban you for selling autographs. LOL.. just saying I was in marketing..

    25. I wanted to bid on your camera just for the cross-dressing lego man, but I don’t have $430. Can I just send you a dollar in the mail and you send me one in return?

    26. Holy crap that’s the funniest eBay listing I have ever read. I totally showed it to my husband, who wasn’t quite laughing as hard as I was about it, but he did agree that it was original. And that’s a damn compliment coming from him. I hope you sell it for lots of money. You rock, happy mother’s day!
      .-= JJ´s last blog ..F.O.U.R. =-.

    27. Happy now, I got to read Version 2.0 of your listing. But not so delirious that I’m gonna buy a haunted camera. Or a cat

    28. Jen,

      I was going to leave a comment on eBay and I started to but then I remembered my eBay account was suspended 4 years ago for no gd good reason. eBay even agreed about that but I decided I didn’t need the effen company though I do miss my 720 positives and 0 negatives.

      So, since I had an hour or two to blow, I clicked on the eBay image to get a better look at that famous cleavage. The view was breathtaking, my dear.

    29. Is the camera still haunted? I only want to bid on it if it is still haunted… so I can scare the crud outta my hubby… because he says he’s scared of ghosts… although.. he watches Ghost Hunters… and doesn’t look scared when he’s watching it… Do you think he’s lying about being scared of ghosts? Hmmm..
      .-= Monica´s last blog ..Winner: Michael Angelo’s Busiest Mom Giveaway =-.

    30. you had me up until “autographed picture of my cleavage to the winner” … I’m out.

      But, please continue to give ebay hell … I got your back.

      (hell… since you make me laugh on such a consistent basis, I would just bid to up the price.)

      (Oops … just checked … it’s up to $420 — [damn I hope it sells for that price] — I can’t risk upping the bid. I’d just end up with a broken camera and a picture of boobs)
      .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..Nashville Probably Won’t Be Happy…And I’m Not Exactly Jumping Up and Down =-.

    31. About comment 271…clearly that person is an idiot. I firmly believe that, unless you can spell and use grammar correctly, you can’t accuse someone else of being an idiot. Take, for example, a sentence from their comment: “I hop you die a slow and painful death you stupid bitch”.

      It really should read, “I hope you die a slow and painful death, you stupid bitch.” Or, “I hop, you die.” Either one works a lot better than their grammar and punctuation.

      And you are better than Mother Theresa. After all, she’s dead (rest in peace, of course), and you’re here and now, helping people all around the world.
      .-= Lindsy´s last blog ..Mother’s Day =-.

    32. I already have a camera just like the one you are selling except that it has not been broken by ghosts. I also have a Sony camera that has a broken battery door that is currently held together by duct tape and requires finger pressure to actuate the electrical connection to the batteries. I don’t know that any actual ghosts were involved in this, but after reading about your camera, I am getting a little suspicious. So far my wife has been taking the blame, but. I think that she may be covering for the ghosts.

      Do you think there could be a spectral conspiracy to disable camera battery doors on a wide scale, possibly in preparation for a massive alien ghost invasion?
      .-= Jonah Gibson´s last blog ..Day 131 – Rolling Papers =-.

    33. Well, I got to see the new e-bay ad. If this works out, maybe you can start selling your famous transvestite lego men. Then we get to see how many fans are willing to shell out the big bucks to buy shit from the bloggess. OH! and James Garfield Charistmas cards!

    34. You ARE better than Mother Teresa. I “hop” that the person behind comment 271 hops to death.

      Btw, you just abused your boobs and cleavage and push up bra to get the bid from $5 to $420. Nice marketing strategies, I must say.
      .-= Dk´s last blog ..A Male Stalker on My Ass. =-.

    35. Ok, I am having a bad fucking day today for lots of Big Reasons. I just clicked on the link to the post where you received the lego trannies and laughed my ass off — thank – you, Bloggess 🙂

    36. Dear Jenny, will you please write all of my ebay listings? I’ve had a bunch of stuff not sell and last I checked, your slightly broken camera was up to $420.00. WTF?

    37. dear jenny, regarding the autographed cleavage picture, will you be autographing it or does your cleavage intend on leaving its john hancock? (like, pen/marker IN cleavage signing picture.) this makes a difference. to me. and probably to dozens of others. maybe handfuls. please also list more things on ebay. your description is fucking fantastic. and, i can own your shit. (not your actual shit, because i think ebay would have a problem with that.)

      .-= holly´s last blog ..dead people’s gums do not bleed. =-.

    38. Wow, I am impressed! $420 for a broken camera, and 6 days left to bid. Nice! =D

    39. This one time, my mom’s friend dated this dude who hunts ghosts for a living, and he brought over voice recordings of ghosts saying scary things. And by that I mean some of the static on the recording sounded mildly louder than some of the other static on the recording, and the guy’s all “See? That’s obviously a male ghost saying ‘pardon me’ and it was crazy, man!” Facepalm.

      Also, one time I thought I heard a ghost noise, but it was just snow falling off a tree. TRUE STORY.
      .-= Megan´s last blog ..Apparently horses don’t like to be named. Except for ponies. They dig that crap. =-.

    40. “Her best desperate dinner: sticking a straw through a frozen waffle to create a mock Waffle-sicle. This fun spin is another way to serve a family favorite: breakfast for dinner. ”

      I can’t even tell if the website is trying to be funny. There’s chili, there’s pizza, there’s soup.. and then there’s frozen-waffles-on-a-stick. *Nice.* What next, are they going to tell us to do the laundry with rat saliva?

    41. Noooo! Not the cat! You don’t want to threaten your “Cat Person” status…because that would soooo put you in Morgan Freeman’s “Not a Cat Person” status . Are you sure your dog didn’t type this post because he broke the camera? Ghosts Schmosts- Pug’s still getting even.
      .-= Lookielou´s last blog ..Bird Hoarder Busted in NJ =-.

    42. Jen, you know I think you’re awesome, and this is funny as hell- I sent the ebay listing to my friends and told them they had to hurry before it got taken down again- but I have to ask? Does the toilet paper on the flash work, cause if it does, that’s brilliant.
      .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..Epiphany =-.

    43. I was trying to take a picture of a Japanese menu that claimed that for an extra dollar, you could have your beer 10 degrees colder, but the flash was relentless and the restaurant was dark. My camera’s due for a TP makeover.
      .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..Epiphany =-.

    44. I don’t usually comment, but I went to the auction and it has been bid up to $420.00. UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!! For a BROKEN camera. I’m gathering up all my broken shit right now to list. I can only assume that the reason it’s going for so much is that it was broken by ghosts, so I will have it be known that all of my stuff was broken by skeletons. My 3-year-old claims that there are six of them living in her closet, so I know they’re the ones who have been breaking my stuff.
      .-= Fiona Picklebottom´s last blog ..Marching to the beat of her own drum… and harmonica and guitar and cymbals and… =-.

    45. The waffle slays me. Absolutely slays me. I can’t stop wondering what they were thinking…

    46. Okay so pretty much that was the best Ebay add I’ve ever seen. in my 19 years of life.

      And two..THE HELL?! your camera is like…super duper over priced right now! like…425$? really?! Now I can’t even bid like I had hoped too. this sucks…

      I blame the ghosts for inflating the price.
      .-= Rebekah Mae´s last blog ..MTB =-.

    47. I tried to give away my dogs on Facebook. No takers. I even threw in our fat cat for free. Still no takers. So far though Facebook hasn’t contacted me about it. I should try Ebay! I’ll sell the 2 dogs and give ebay the fat cat as their cut! win-win! Thanks Bloggess!

    48. God, the best part about that listing is that all your readers followed you there and started up a bizarre, bizarre set up questions and answers with you, so anyone who doesn’t know you/your site who is genuinely just looking for a good deal on a camera and clicks your link is going to be even more confused at whether or not the Q&A section about you selling your amputated arms is legit or not.

    49. I watched the Love and Asperger’s video and I started to cry. It reminds me so much of my son if he were able to articulate that well.

    50. My boss isn’t a douche-canoe, but apparently Kaiser is. I’m waiting for a dr appt & they wouldn’t let me check on your Sex Blog because of “nudity”

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