Ghosts broke my camera. True story. But it was kind of awesome because 1. GHOSTS, y’all and 2. Victor can’t blame me for something ghosts did. I mean, he tried obviously but he couldn’t make it stick. Best. excuse. ever. And now I’m selling my slightly-broken camera on ebay and you should really go read the listing before they pull it. Also, I’m throwing in one of my angry cross-dressing legos FOR FREE. I should totally go into advertising.
UPDATED: Ebay just yanked my auction and not for the understandishable reasons of “You are fucking mental” or “You can’t sell goods that you claim were damaged by the supernatural”. Instead they cancelled it because they believed I was trying to sell my cat. And not even because selling your cat on ebay would be shitty. It was because of the wording: “PS. The camera in the picture is the one for sale. I took that picture for cleavage day. Camera doesn’t necessarily give you cleavage but it couldn’t hurt. Cat not included in sale. Probably. I guess it depends on how much you want the cat. Make me an offer. Hugs ~ Jenny”. Because (I swear to God) ebay was pissed off that I might sell my cat and not give them a share. No shit, y’all.
From ebay: “We had to remove your listing because the following information violates our policy. You have stated in your description: ‘Make me an offer.’ We understand that you may not have intended to avoid paying listing fees. However, fee circumvention is damaging to the online marketplace.”
Awesome. I couldn’t even make this stuff up. So I’ve relisted, making it very clear that I will accept no offers on cats or dwarves. I had to add the dwarves part in there because I got paranoid when I was rewriting the description. I blame ebay for all of this. Here’s the new listing. You should probably go look at it now because if it gets pulled again they’re threatening to ban me. Also, I apologize to everyone who bid but at least this is your second chance to rethink bidding on a mostly-broken camera. To make it up to you, I will send an autographed picture of my cleavage to the winner. Unless the winner is someone who doesn’t even read my blog and just wants to buy it for the lens. Then they are going to be in for a hell of a surprise when they open that package.
And in entirely unrelated news…the weekly wrap-up of shit-I-was-doing-when-I-wasn’t-here using semi-colons incorrectly, creating inappropriate national holidays and yelling at Victor about the holocaust…
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on the internets:
- Woman’s Day asked me to contribute a recipe for an article they’re running. I sent them my recipe for frozen waffles that you eat while they’re still frozen and they fucking ran it, you guys. Conclusion: Woman’s Day is completely awesome or is just not paying attention anymore.
- What I want for Mother’s Day.
- Comment 271. I can’t even stop laughing.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- “Hitler’s totally going to hate this.”
- I love all of the Olsen twin parodies but this one is totally my favorite.
- “Nice try, brat. Pretty sure pooh bear doesn’t wear khaki pants. If someone showed up at my door claiming to be Pooh Bear but wearing Nike tennis shoes and sliding a hand towards their crotch with a large smile, they’re getting kicked in the head. BAM. I don’t tolerate that shit.”
- Why didn’t anybody tell me about this?