Sometimes I worry that they aren’t *entirely* random

My friend Van (aka furiousball) is a (seemingly) perfectly normal man who has been leaving me random, bizarre comments for literally years. They’re bizarre non sequiters that have nothing at all to do with anything I’m writing about and I assume most people just skip over them but when you put them all together there’s a simple poetry to his writing.  One that should be shared with the authorities.

Random comments from Van in the last 6 months:

“Bear Grylls needs to stop sending me those retro Michael Jordan Valentine’s cards. Bear, I don’t give a fuck if you think “Our Love is a Slam Dunk” or if “My Kisses Are Nothin’ But Net” – what does that even mean? And that last one, “Your Ass is an Easy Basket!”- I can tell you scratched out the original message – but come on, that’s not even nice. Fuck you in the eye, Bear Grylls.”

*****

“This is just flat-out jizzerific news.  *celebratory junk helicoptering*”

*****

“Walkmans sound awful once they’ve been inside a rectum.

I’ve heard.

*****

“If I was Victor I would glue a dildo on that bear sleeping bag while you were sleeping in it.  And you’d wake up all disoriented and be like, “wait, I’m a bear?…. wait, I’m a bear with a boner?

*****

I changed a portion of your post and I highly recommend making this change. Really pops now…
Or maybe the grumpy 911 operators are actually aliens and they’re exhausted because they had to fit in all those abortions in one hour. That’s probably pretty taxing.

Probably so, probably so…”

*****

“Yeah, yeah…my *hand* is swollen too. See if you can guess what i really mean by *hand*

hint : it’s my penis.”

*****

“Hitler had 45 testicles, one for each of his imaginary grandchildren.”

*****

“If you’re going to be any kind of douche-bag, tremendous is the way to go.”

*****

“That reminds me of the time that camp counselor caught me masturbating behind the cabin in front of an audience of squirrels and then the girl’s camp was let out of the cafeteria to take all of this in and then …. wait, you didn’t say anything about jerking off on squirrels. Well, that was the nutshell version of how I got that merit badge for squirrel bukkakke.

You’re welcome, internet.

Comment of the day: Okay, so it took me a whole day to come up with it, but I’ve got a gee-ee-enius idea for a show: Van vs. Wild.  Can’t believe 80 comments and no one thought of it. You really should expect more from us. ~ Jennifer

88 thoughts on “Sometimes I worry that they aren’t *entirely* random

Read comments below or add one.

  1. So maybe ‘Van take the wheel’ is the new ‘Jesus take the wheel’. Although it might confuse people who don’t know who Van is and they’ll think you’re talking about some kind of magic vehicle that drives itself. But I guess that would be their problem for not knowing who Van is, because who doesn’t know who Van is? Seriously, get with the program, people.
    .-= EvilSlutClique´s last blog ..The Gates: Another Vampire Show That Kinda Sucks =-.

  2. My stupid work computer won’t let me pull up his website right now but I would love to read his ‘diatribe’. I actually read his comments most of the time and giggle quietly to myself. I’m worried that if I laughed out loud people would want to know what I was laughing at, and then I’d get commited or something because to be completely honest, the comments don’t make the most sense and I love it but people would really think I had completely lost it (as opposed to now where they are just kind of thinking I have completely lost it).
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Silk Pure Almond Review and Giveaway =-.

  3. You never freaking fail to make me die laughing.. I always seem to read your blog while on a business call. Thank GOD for the mute function because I seriously begin laughing and CANNOT stop.

    You are my kind of crazy.. er I mean… My kind of girl! LOL
    Wookiesgirl

  4. Okay, I’ll admit I didn’t know what bukkakke was. Sorry, but I’m from South Africa and bo kakka (similar, no?) means crapping on a roof. Anyways, you can imagine my interest when I read about getting a merit badge for squirrel bukakke. Turns out its not quite the same… silly me. Here is what I found when I googled it.

    “Bukakke is a dish in Japan with fine white noodles with a splash of topping in liquid not at all unlike loads of semen. It comes from the verb bukakkeru which means to splash water. The Japanese are very good at making poetic or funny descriptions like that.”

    Turns out the South Africans are too.
    .-= Claire Gutschow´s last blog ..Holy guacamole its Father Kelly =-.

  5. Bear Grylls asked my daughter to prom, he is always doing my yardwork for free without a shirt. I thought it was the cat leaving dead squirrels on the porch now I know it was Van with his freakin merrit badge driving them to kill themselves. I don’t trust Bear and I certainly don’t trust Van now.. Thanks for clearly that up.

  6. I’m just bummed that when I got to meet Van for a work lunch, we had to be all professional and serious and there was (of course) no celebratory junk helicoptering. But it was a Greek restaurant and I think that shit’s sorta implied when you walk in the door.

    I think if the two of you don’t team up to design a line of bear boner sleeping bags, you’re giving up a guaranteed fortune.

  7. Honestly… I got nothing.. I’m still perplexed by the bear dildo thing-a-ma-bob.. He didn’t exactly say where he would glue it… So, if he glued it to the inside of the sleeping bag, it could cause you to wake up screaming that you are being raped by a bear. As if you aren’t worried enough about flying night squirrels, now you have THAT to worry about.

    I’m sorry.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..Sweet Home Indiana =-.

  8. The bear might also just need the cutest little clown nose….although a bear suit with a clown nose combined with a strap-on might actually be worth surprising Victor with.

    Of course, nothing is cool without a popped collar.

    …just sayin 😉

    -Tony
    .-= Tony Hunt´s last blog ..The first step… =-.

  9. I love random comments, perhaps because I don’t many which really bugs me. My stats tell me people are reading, Why aren’t they letting me know they were there? Do they think I’m going to hunt them down like a rabid dog?
    BTW- My SIL worked an an X-ray tech. From what she has said a Walkman, IPOD, etc. is one of the more common things that some carry there and then sometimes cannot retrieve with assistance.- yes, up there. OUCH!
    .-= Bodaciousboomer´s last blog ..I might just run away with the jitsies =-.

  10. I can’t get the vision of “celebratory junk helicoptering” out of my head.

    Well done Van, well done.

  11. Allow me to break the code:
    Bear Grylls has a jizzerific walkman he keeps in his anus that he gave Victor a dildo for. This made Victor feel a bit gay so he called 911 and the aliens told him to provide you with swollen penis because you hate Hitler’s testicles, tremendous douche-bags ,and your bitter at the fact squirrels made it in the porn industry and mock you.

    Glad I could help! 🙂
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..Nostradumbass knows what Alice did with the butcher. =-.

  12. I heard Van goes around saying that he really writes the Bloggess, and this “Jenny” character is just an out-of-work actress/model/hooker who goes to conferences in his place because this “mommyblogger” crap is the flavor of the month, so he needed a “broad with a decent rack,” and that is a quote, to be his beard. Is that true? Is “Jenny” really a married man who once had sex with a squirrel? Have we all been fooled because we are all so naive to believe everything we read on the internet? If so, you disgust me, Van. You and this imaginary woman you created —
    .-= Neil´s last blog ..Fanya’s Funeral =-.

  13. Oh, I love Furiousball! I’m not just a fan of yours , I’m a fan of your fans. I always read all your comments, they are the bonus funny.

    Heh…I said bone us !

  14. I love that guy. Is it possible to stalk a stalker? Is he a stalker if you accept the unquestionable love and devotion as normal?

    I was recently following a seagull (okay not actually following him but he seemed to be under the impression that I was. Fucker.) and I THOUGHT I wasn’t stalking but the sketched out looks and the whole running away from me makes me think that he disagrees.
    Or he would if his tiny little brain was capable of complex thoughts.

    I’m starting to think my brain isn’t capable of complex thoughts.
    .-= Beausaphine´s last blog ..I may have a restraining order against me =-.

  15. Bears are greedy lovers. I don’t recommend it. I found this out at summer camp when the squirrels rejected me.
    Stop worrying about me. I’m fine. The aliens took care of all my abortions.
    Love,
    Hitler’s 37th grandchild.
    .-= Mrs. P´s last blog ..I Coulda Had Him =-.

  16. Somehow all he says seems quite normal to me. And how does one sit comfortably with a furious testicle?

  17. It’s like someone hotwired Stephen Hawking’s robot voice thing with randomly generated words and he’s trying to type in “..and whilst the theory of particulate extraction is precise..” but gets shit coming out about “sleeping bag bear boners” and he’s all like, “..what the fuck is happening..?” but even THAT comes out about “Michael Jordan retro Valentine’s Day cards” and now I’m thinking if someone hasn’t done this to him yet as a practical joke that God is truly dead or maybe just napping but in God years a nap is, like, infinity.

    True story.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Tortoise Embryos and Robot Anal Probes =-.

  18. has he made the acquaintance of a certain Nancy Kappes? i’d love to be a fly on the wall for that great meeting of the minds.

  19. sounds like some of the modern fiction rantings I was forced to read in Catholic High School. He probably deserves a nobel peace prize or maybe that “authorities” thing you mentioned.
    .-= happyhourmary´s last blog ..Baja Cantina =-.

  20. I think that Furiousball and Moooog should date. Or at least live together like those guys on Two and a Half Men. And then Van can pretend that someone keeps stealing his cars and crashing them in ravines because he “left the keys in them.”

    That is a fucking genius idea.

  21. It must be great to have readers like furiousball to keep you laughing. I am now going to check out friousball’s blog. I see in the comments above that we can all be subjected to his craziness. We are all one RSS feed away….
    .-= Naked Girl in a Dress´s last blog ..Free to Be You and Me =-.

  22. I’d like to nominate Claire Gutschow for Comment of the Day. That was freaking hilarious!

    In related news, I don’t know what junk helicoperting is. I, however, hesitate to google. I’m terrified of what I might see.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..You and Me Against the World =-.

  23. Makes for creative reading. Reminds me of George Clinton. Every time that guy opens his mouth I’d swear he’s from another planet. But he can sure lay down the funk!

    Oh shit, I think I just crossed over into the camp of randomness.

  24. This makes me feel like I need to stop commenting. Seriously. I’ve never even been funny enough to be a comment of the day and then there are these people of PURE GENIUS out there. How do I compete?

    Would you have felt more sympathy for my vow to stop commenting as I am not worthy if it was not written in a comment?

    I’ll work on that.
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Monday Minute – 6/21/10 =-.

  25. Okay, so it took me a whole day to come up with it, but I’ve got a gee-ee-enius idea for a show: Van vs. Wild.

    Can’t believe 80 comments and no one thought of it. You really should expect more from us.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Pages =-.

  26. Can I earn the merit badge for squirrel bukkake if I use my husband’s penis? Or would it go to him?
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Ouch. =-.

  27. That is fairly disturbing and apparently it says a lot about me because I am disturbed enough I am going to go read his blog and start watching for his comments on here.
    .-= Steph´s last blog ..Good Friends =-.

  28. This is such beauty. The hint of penis topped the others, I think. He didn’t have enough trust in you to make the connection and was caring enough to make sure you understand. Such a sweet guy!!!
    .-= Lena.FM´s last blog ..You bring disgrace to nipples =-.

  29. Me: Hey babe, so this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while: “This is just flat-out jizzerific news. *celebratory junk helicoptering*”

    Jason: What the fuck are you watching at work?

  30. It’s scary that I remember every one of those comments when they were originally posted.

    I even asked my own Victor to demonstrate ‘junk helicoptering’.

    Well, *tried* to. He was afraid he’d hurt himself. Or as he put it, “take off”.

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