My friend Van (aka furiousball) is a (seemingly) perfectly normal man who has been leaving me random, bizarre comments for literally years. They’re bizarre non sequiters that have nothing at all to do with anything I’m writing about and I assume most people just skip over them but when you put them all together there’s a simple poetry to his writing. One that should be shared with the authorities.
Random comments from Van in the last 6 months:
“Bear Grylls needs to stop sending me those retro Michael Jordan Valentine’s cards. Bear, I don’t give a fuck if you think “Our Love is a Slam Dunk” or if “My Kisses Are Nothin’ But Net” – what does that even mean? And that last one, “Your Ass is an Easy Basket!”- I can tell you scratched out the original message – but come on, that’s not even nice. Fuck you in the eye, Bear Grylls.”
“This is just flat-out jizzerific news. *celebratory junk helicoptering*”
“Walkmans sound awful once they’ve been inside a rectum.
“If I was Victor I would glue a dildo on that bear sleeping bag while you were sleeping in it. And you’d wake up all disoriented and be like, “wait, I’m a bear?…. wait, I’m a bear with a boner?”
“I changed a portion of your post and I highly recommend making this change. Really pops now…
‘Or maybe the grumpy 911 operators are actually aliens and they’re exhausted because they had to fit in all those abortions in one hour. That’s probably pretty taxing.‘
Probably so, probably so…”
“Yeah, yeah…my *hand* is swollen too. See if you can guess what i really mean by *hand*
hint : it’s my penis.”
“Hitler had 45 testicles, one for each of his imaginary grandchildren.”
“If you’re going to be any kind of douche-bag, tremendous is the way to go.”
“That reminds me of the time that camp counselor caught me masturbating behind the cabin in front of an audience of squirrels and then the girl’s camp was let out of the cafeteria to take all of this in and then …. wait, you didn’t say anything about jerking off on squirrels. Well, that was the nutshell version of how I got that merit badge for squirrel bukkakke.“
You’re welcome, internet.
Comment of the day: Okay, so it took me a whole day to come up with it, but I’ve got a gee-ee-enius idea for a show: Van vs. Wild. Can’t believe 80 comments and no one thought of it. You really should expect more from us. ~ Jennifer