For sale: Kristoffer Kristofferson. (The other one.)

I’m packing up to move but I really don’t want to move everything, so I’ve decided to sell some stuff on ebay since that worked out so well last time.  Except that ebay has a tendency to delete all of my auctions almost as soon as I post them so I’m also going to post the whole thing here to make it easier for me to keep relisting it.  Also?  Please stop fucking with me, ebay.  I am trying to make you relevant again.

Actual ebay listing:

FOLK ART WOLF PUPPET.  POSSIBLY MAGIC.

For sale: (Possibly magical) wolf head puppet.   I bought this huge wolf-head puppet ten years ago at an old antique shop in West Texas.  The guy who sold it to me said the puppet was made by a street-performing hobo who’d used it in his “Peter and the Wolf” one-man-play during the depression.  I didn’t ask how he got it from the hobo because the guy at the shop seemed really odd and I suspected he might be some sort of mystical, unpredictable, hobo-killing gypsy but I totally fell in love with the wolf because he looked so damn enthusiastic and so I bought him even though my husband said that I was insane and threatened to hide all the credit cards from me until I could “start making responsible spending decisions” and I was all “Dude.  It’s a hobo-crafted wolf-puppet bought from a gypsy.  YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE THAT STUFF UP.” And my husband was all “Not *every* long haired guy is a ‘magical gypsy. Sometimes they’re just hippies” but then when I tried to go back to the shop again a month later IT WAS GONE, y’all. BECAUSE IT WAS MAGIC.  My husband says it was because I’m bad with directions and that I was probably just on the wrong street but I’m pretty sure it was gypsy magic.  Or hippie magic. Which one smells like patchouli?  That one.

Anyway, I loved my Wolfie puppet and I named him “Kristoffer Kristofferson” and he was bad-ass.  He’s huge and takes two hands to operate and he’s made of tanned animal fur, felt, and I think his eyes are painted marbles.  His mouth moves and his eyes open and close and if you pull on the wires inside his head his lips lift up like he’s snarling.  Or smiling. It’s hard to tell with wolves.  That’s why they’re so mysterious.

Tragically, I soon discovered that Kristoffer Kristofferson was not made from wolf fur at all, but from rabbit fur, which I am totally f***ing allergic to.  It was a lot like when I was in 4th grade and all the girls in my class had rabbit fur coats but my family couldn’t afford one but then my mom found one at a garage sale for $5 and I totally wore it for a week straight and I even slept in it but then I broke out in a horrible rash and I tried to convince my mom that it was probably just heat rash (which is to be expected when you wear a rabbit fur coat in Texas in the middle of July) but she made me put the coat in the garage and told me that I could just “look at it from a distance whenever I was sad”.  It was like the worst antidepressant ever.

So Kristoffer Kristofferson has been living in my closet ever since he gave me a rash, which is a terrible waste because he’s awesome and also because he’s probably some really amazing folk art made by a murdered hobo and sold by a magical gypsy.  That’s why I’m starting the bidding at $20.  Because he’s worth it. Kristopher Kristofferson needs to come out of the closet and love you up big time.  Also, he likes cats.  To eat.

Disclaimer:  Kristoffer Kristofferson (the wolf) is in no way related to Kristoffer Kristofferson (the Grammy-award winning singer of “Jesus was a Capricorn”) although they both are bad-ass and might give you a rash.

Bidding is now open.

126 thoughts on “For sale: Kristoffer Kristofferson. (The other one.)

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I honestly can not believe that someone has already bid $20 for the wolf puppet. I wonder if it is secretly worth more than you know. Like how old people have stuff in their attic that’s worth millions of dollars and they never even know about it.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Who knew… =-.

  2. What I love is that after your (very convincing) spiel, there’s a little link that reads, “Sell one like this.” Oh E-Bay. You don’t understand Jenny at all.

  3. My parents next door neighbor is a gypsy. He just moved in about six months ago – bought a historic building next door – that used to be a dental office like in the 1800’s or something – and turned it into a one bedroom house. They hate him. He leaves his trash everywhere. And scares little children. He says he’s a physic….You would think that when he moved in he would have known that everyone was going to hate him. Your gypsy sounds much cooler than mine.
    .-= MinivanSoapbox´s last blog ..Extra Crispy =-.

  4. It’s official, you’re a nutter butter. This is one of the cutest posts ever. Partly because I’m an animal lover. Partly because your cat is a motherfucking wolf killer. Partly because I shop at EBAY all the time (well, I did when I had money). But mostly, because Kristoffer Kristofferson has a lot to offer with those yellow and red eyes. Awesome-ness. We all win.
    .-= Annah´s last blog ..OH MAH GAH MONDAYS: NEON EDITION =-.

  5. I hate wolves. they rank just below people with chainsaws and sharks in a pool. which is way below clowns and dolls that have eyes that watch you. I will keep track to see if ebay is fucking you again, and if they do, I think you should charge them. because then they would be in trouble with themselves for the entire prostitution thing ( that I found out the hard way they do NOT allow) good luck.

  6. One time I wanted a rabbit fur coat but we were also poor so instead I cut a square out of my neighbor’s rabbit fur coat when I was left alone in her room with said coat and a pair of scissors…I brought with me. It was my favorite square shaped item in the world. I drew a happy face on the back of it.

  7. Okay, so this *has* to be the coolest, most hilarious/awesome thing ever! Jenny, my love, you ROCK!!!

  8. Now I want to sell something on eBay, but I could never write a description as awesome as this. If I ever decide to sell something, I might have to ask you to write up the auction. But only if you charge reasonable rates because I’m broke. That’s why I’d need to sell stuff on eBay. Also, I have nothing awesome enough to sell except for my cat, which we already know won’t work because the robots on eBay don’t like it when you sell your cats.

  9. Let the epic — and possibly magical — battle begin. They will sing of our exploits, in future times. Possibly to Karaoke. I don’t know who* will be getting the royalties for that, but they are going to make BANK.

    * Probably not Mr. Kristofferson.
    .-= T.M. Camp´s last blog ..The Occasional Wasp and Other Thoughts =-.

  10. Dude, I am itching from reading this post. I don’t think it’s an allergy, I think this magical wolf puppet is using it’s magic for EVIL and putting a rash curse on me. Damn you evil warlock magic wolf puppet!
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..Kenting Days and Nights =-.

  11. I’m going to have you write all my eBay listings, because that is just THE BEST ever. I hope eBay leaves it alone, and you make a pasta bazillion dollars on Kristoffer Kristofferson.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Variety =-.

  12. I hate to break this to you for fear of wrecking your whole childhood or something but you’re probably not allergic to rabbit fur. You’re just allergic to shit people sell at garage sales. I bet if you bought a brand new coat you’d have been rash free.

    And so you know, Kristoffer Kristofferson gave you a rash to fuck with you, not because you’re really allergic to rabbit fur. I get the sense from his photos that he’s that kind of jokester.

  13. I will start the bidding off with $25 (Australian) because you just never know when a magical wolf puppet will be needed. The Spouse will be grumpy because the house is full of dragon eggs so I will probably have to hide Kristoffer in the closet as well. But it will be an Australian closet. Or maybe I could just put him near a nest of eggs and tell The Spouse he was guarding them. Hmmm
    .-= kim(frogpondsrock)´s last blog ..11 April 1945 – 24 June 2009 =-.

  14. I am absolutely creeped out that the items that come up on your listing that are most like your item include “10 Antique Original Beeswax Real Death Masks Sculptures”. Am I actually going to die if I buy your hand puppet? Are you trying to kill me?
    .-= Belly Girl´s last blog ..Bring on the heat =-.

  15. When you hold the puppet, and before you break out in a rash, do you hear music? Is it gypsy music, that Duran Duran song “Hungry Like the Wolf”, something from Peter Wolfe, or something from Los Lobos? Perhaps something from Peter and the Wolf? I need to know, because if it’s that Duran Duran song, I can’t bid. I’m trying to forget that the 80’s ever happened,… and that I had one of those puffy shirts… and a skinny piano tie….crap, you’re NOT helping!

  16. Wait- Does Kris Kristofferson (the human) know about this??
    He may totally want it! Think about the connections: Kris Kristofferson kinda looks like Jesus and not only was Jesus a Capricorn, he was also sort of a GYPSY, and some people would say MAGICAL. And I’m sure there was some patchouli to be had in Jesus’ travels. Right? As for the wolf and puppet connection I’m at a loss.
    But, I bet the human Kristofferson would like it just because it’s fucking FUNNY!!!!
    .-= Susan´s last blog ..THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS (And some others) =-.

  17. My favorite part is the first picture because for some reason I can hear my husband doing the voice for the wolf (he does silly voices some times, not creepy baby talk like shit, just silly and appropriate to the moment). and it makes me laugh.
    .-= Cindy´s last blog ..LOVE THURSDAY =-.

  18. I am going to bid $22 (US) which is higher than the bid of 25 Australian dollars , according to the currency converter. (I almost had to do math for this, but I need that wolf!)

  19. I totally want that puppet but I’m horribly allergic to rabbits also. So I think it’s a sign from G-d that I’m meant to flail madly about this whole thing and rue the day Kristoffer Kristofferson was born as a rabbit.

    ;_;

  20. Brilliant! I searched ebay for other magic/magical puppets, wolf headed items and even things to do with dead hobos and guess what? Nothing else came up… Can’t wait to see how much it sells for.
    .-= TheDHW´s last blog ..P.S. =-.

  21. Your cat is bad ass. And I would totally sleep with the human version of that Twilight wolf puppet. Let’s pretend that last sentence made sense.

  22. patchouli = hippie

    Sorry no gypsy… unless… maybe it was a gypsy disguising himself as a hippie! Wow, you lead a magical life.

  23. I’ve got a wolf puppet that’s probably at least 15 years old. Our son named him Wolfie. He looks meaner than your guy, but he’s really pretty sweet. If you don’t find a home for Kristoffer, maybe the two of them can get together and have a play date.

  24. and I am not so sure p-ratatouille is correct, maybe you’re thinking/smelling Nag Champa?

    least that was the word verifactation a blog right down the road just made me type in order to post.

  25. I’m also going to post the whole thing here to make it easier for me to keep relisting it.

    That also is nice for people reading your archive, who can’t just go look at the auction because it’s gooooone. And it’s good to be nice to people who want to read the stuff you wrote long enough ago that you totally forgot what you said.

  26. I bought myself an ankle-length rabbit fur coat when I was eleven years old. Because I was a little pimp. I also had a perm and a suede cowboy hat with a peacock feather in it (from Sears). But don’t be jealous. The only reason I could afford the coat is that my dad was in the army and we were stationed at the U.S. embassy in Moscow. It was 1978. I sold a bunch of highly sought after American stuff like blue jeans on the black market (this was pre-Ebay…and pre-capitalism), so I had lots of Russian currency which was almost worthless because there was nothing worth buying in Russian stores. The only stuff they had in abundance were knick-knacks like lacquer boxes and nesting dolls. And things made out of rabbit fur. Everybody actually wore those classic Russian fur hats with the earflaps, but I’m pretty sure I was the only 11 year old boy rocking the long coat. The hats were made out of some kind of rodent (we called them hat-rats, and you could buy them at the open-air pet market) and they were pretty solid; but either that coat was hella shoddy, or rabbit fur inherently sucks ass. Because that thing shed all over our apartment. Like you, I wore it in the house at first. But I had to start leaving it out in the hallway after even our dog was like, “Jesus! I’ve got rabbit hair all over my tongue!”
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..Pots, willows, and nine years of wedded bliss =-.

  27. Actually, both eyes are kind of orange in real life but I think the camera captured the inner good and evil conflict. It’s a really good camera. And a really conflicted Kristoffer Kristofferson.

  28. I’m pretty sure you’re magic (possibly due to interactions with the gypsie and keeping the wolf in your house but maybe also just on your own you are magic; who really knows). If I send you some of my shit will you sell it on eBay for me? I’ll split the profits 50/50, for real. I have a stuffed sheep that baaaaaaahs at you, in the middle of the night, for no rational reason other than I think a real sheep got reincarnated into the stuffed sheep and s/he (it?) is now outraged that I keep him in a toybox rather than letting him roam free in fields of wildflowers (because that’s a totally rational reason).

    Or the batteries could be going dead. Whatever.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Silk Pure Almond Review and Giveaway =-.

  29. furiousball hasn’t commented yet. I’m disappointed. Does that make me a stalker?

  30. Bratgirl, yes that makes you a stalker, but me too, so you are not alone. I too want to know if James Garfield is going on the block.

  31. Omg. This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read all week. And that says a lot, because I read funny things.

    Don’t be deceived by my lack of exclamation points. It in no way implies that I’m being facetious or that it isn’t really funny. It just means that the caffeine has worn off. Again.
    .-= carpeviam´s last blog ..Double your pleasure. =-.

  32. I would totally bring Kris into my house, except it’s currently infected with two very long in the claw vicious animals I was told were cats, though I suspect they are in fact raccoons or really small seals. He wouldn’t stand a chance.
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..The light changes again. =-.

  33. You see…why don’t more people do this? Some some of the stuff that you do not need BEFORE moving?! It seems like a no brainer, but it seems like so many overlook it. I guess if more people did this my life would be simpler, but then I would have less material and less entertainment.

  34. You’re up to $70! Wow. Totally unaffordable to me. And Kris would be demolished by my dog Harper Lee. She’s not vicious, but she ain’t afraid o’ no wolf.

  35. You could probably fund a school in a third world country solely out of the proceeds of your ebay auctions if you keep writing stories like this one. Of course, the irony is that a puppet like this would be a great teaching tool to donate to a needy school. Great. Now you’ve basically sold the hair to buy the watch chain. Which leaves me a little ambivalent about whether I should congratulate you on your forthcoming philanthropic prowess or get all up in your grill about auctioning such useful things right out from under those poor needy kids. Damn. It’s no wonder ebay doesn’t know how to respond to your auctions.
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..To Allowance or Not to Allowance =-.

  36. HEY! You never left feedback for the chick that bought your camera.

    And after she left you such nice feedback… Yup, I just checked again… no feedback.

    Jenny, I’m disappointed.

  37. Holy crap, Jenny! She left you the best…feedback…EVAR!
    You’d better respond in kind or I’m going to start asking you (on ebay) if the cat in the picture is for sale.
    I mean it. Don’t make me do it.
    Also, my dog is very afraid of thunder. She’s a 50 lb. pit bull. Is that wierd?

  38. I have $50 in my Paypal acct right now, and I may very well put it toward Kristoffer Kristofferson. Just because I love you, and I think Kris Kristofferson is hot (well, not anymore, because I think he’s pretty old now), but that voice of his turns me on, know what I mean? Anyway, if YOUR Kristoffer Kristofferson sounds ANYTHING like the other one, I’m there, baby. Only problem now is that I too am allergic to rabbit fur. Could you maybe skin the puppet first? Please and thanks.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..SJP looks like a horse, and I have the nostrils to prove it =-.

  39. Why do I always miss the opportunity to be the 69th post? It’s like my destiny to miss out on every opportunity to make immature jokes about sex positions hardly anyone ever uses.

    Also, $70 is awesome, and I would totally bid another dollar on that if my husband weren’t on month three of funemployment and I didn’t really need that $71 for the alcohol that helps me not kill him for being around all the time. Because he’s really great, actually, and I don’t want him to be gone. I just want to not be mad about how loud he chews or how many hours on end he can stand listening to vuvuzelas.

    I’m all about the World Cup, but those horns are crazy annoying. And so is the way he chews.

    So that’s why I need the liquor more than the puppet. Even though the puppet is awesome.
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..One-off for the Afternoon =-.

  40. I really like that you name everything. I do that with the people I work with…I told a guy I work with that forever more his name is Ultraman…he said…okay. Word I’ve got people skills and I didn’t even have lay a beat down.

    Good luck with the ebaying…I hope those creeps don’t mess with your post again…humorless bastards!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Hanging with Dwayne =-.

  41. Hey lady, thanks for making me giggle on an otherwise seriously lame night. I hope that wolfie brings you mad cash.
    Love,
    Z

  42. That thing totally looks like scrat. You should have capitalized on the opportunity to sell him when the last ice age movie came out.

  43. Are you sure you aren’t going to miss him? You write so emotively about him – I’m worried there will be a void once he’s gone. Perhaps you could buy the Basil Brush hand puppet and they could sleep together in a suitcase? Just a random thought.
    .-= Annieb25´s last blog ..Fat Pig =-.

  44. I knew a sales rep once who, when he was a kid, lived down the street from the self proclaimed King of the Gypsies. The man wore bright colored silk shirts, had hoop earrings and had women waiting on him all the time. My sales rep thought it was a sweet gig and was disappointed to learn you couldn’t just grow up to be King of the Gypsies, but had to be born into it. Maybe Kris Kristofferson hails from this royal family.
    Also, my friend Almudena swears that in Spain the gypsies break into apartments by rappelling down from the rooftops and getting in through the windows. I’ve never seen it happen though, but wouldn’t it be cool to see hordes of rappelling gypsies descend on a building?

  45. Fantastic story/post. Are you selling Kristoffer Kristofferson solely because of your allergy? Andrea and Stacy might be right…Wolfie might just be using his magical powers for evil…he seems like the sort to take amusement from another’s discomfort.

  46. In efforts to help your sale of the dead rabbit magical wolf. I mentioned it on my blog. I know you don’t have a lot of traffic ( ahem, FORBES, ahem) so I thought I would help since I will NOT be helping you pack. Your welcome. I hope both my visitors bid ( my husband and mom) and possibly win so I can play with Kristoffer.

  47. Dang – I hope my blog becomes famous as yours one day. I have A LOT of stuff I could get rid of on Ebay and make a small fortune.
    I keep checking the bidding, and would bid too … but we have 3 cats.
    .-= Holly B´s last blog ..FFS – Fridays =-.

  48. If the rabbit/wolf is as successful as the haunted camera, you could easily get a few hundred dollars for this!

    If your blogging career tanks, seriously consider being an ebay consultant. You could write the item descriptions for people who lack creativity. Sales would skyrocket!

  49. Jenny, your husband is so lucky. Every single day with you must be the best day of his life. You should tell him I said that.

    But if you want, you can save it for the next time you try to destroy the house with fire or flood or oversized inflatable clown costumes. You can be all “Hi honey, some random guy on the internet thinks you are the luckiest guy on earth and should treasure every day with me. Oh, and wasn’t there a second fire extinguisher somewhere in the house?”

  50. I once saw an E-Bay listing for a wedding dress. The guy posed in it and told the whole tragic story and it was hilarious. It had a bazillion hits and brought big money. Best marketing I’ve ever seen.

    I’m sure this one will be right in line with that but I can’t get over how totally creepy that puppet is. It’s like bad juju or something I’m thinking. I am guessing there’s some collector out there who will pay big money for it because it’s part of some big collection of creepy rabbit fur puppets.

    Also your cat is awesome and I totally want her. My cats wouldn’t get within 10 feet of that thing!
    .-= Steph´s last blog ..Good Friends =-.

  51. I saw that you have 100% positive feedback, and it turns out it’s just some guy who wants to marry you. I like at least two testimonials before I buy anything magical, fur or otherwise. Can I at least see him eat a cat? I’m very interested, I’m just tired of getting burned by cat-eating magical puppet scams. I’m sure you understand.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Some new twitter software called me a deadbeat and I didn’t do anything to it =-.

  52. You know what, Wolfie? You don’t love me. You’re just like all the other wolf puppets out there. Sure, you say you love me, you have someone vouch for you, even. “Y’all, he totally does.” That will last until you get here in your little shipping box and then I’ll lift you out of the packing peanuts and you’ll look at me and be all, “Dude, where’s Peter?” Peter, indeed! I CAN’T GROW A PENIS, WOLFIE! Why does this always happen to me??
    Damn it.

  53. Question: I am not a big fan of cats so Kris seems like a wonderful addition to my cat fighting arsenal. But really, cats are not that big of a problem for me. I have a 100lb dog. So my questions is: What else can he fight? Zombies? Gators? Polar bears? If you could provide details I would really appreciate it.
    Also I live in Canada. If you let me know how KK will adapt to my weather compared to texas weather that would be great to.

  54. My favorite part was when you had to put the coat in the garage so you could still look at it whenever you were sad. This gives me all kinds of ideas.

  55. I totally just had a conversation with my boyfriend about frog-egg fruit. Which totally exists, except only in Peru (where I lived for awhile) and you can only buy it from street vendors. Which reminded me of the time that I found chitimoya for sale in the US and I thought that angels from heaven were singing and I was finally going to be able to taste the most awesome good fruitiness on earth again, but alas I was mistaken. Don’t buy chitimoya in the US — that’s a free life lesson for you from me.

    I just thought you needed to know that. And I’m kinda drunk. And I might have mistyped several words in this post but I’ve been saved by firefox spellcheck (again)… Oddly enough, firefox spellcheck does not recognize either the word “firefox” or “spellcheck”.

    Carry on…

  56. Oh, and though it might not be obvious from my previous comment, frog-egg fruit and chitimoya are not the same thing. Frog-egg fruit’s actual name is elusive and I never learned it. The Very Worst Missionary may be able to help me out here.

  57. Ok that totally beats the holy shit out of my Ebay listings OF ALL TIME. omg. I’m already so in love with Kristoffer Kristofferson – just look at him! Except that we have no cats for him to fight with here and also if I spend any more money my other half is gonna like Divorce me. Except we’re not actually legally married yet, so he’d prolly marry me then divorce me years later like ”HA! I’m divorcing you on the grounds that you made a really pointless purchase on Ebay 5 years ago from the Bloggess! I HATE YOU!”
    Jerk.
    .-= Mesina´s last blog ..FYI the Hollywood edition =-.

  58. YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO RABBITS!
    This totally allows you to claim Bugs Bunny gave you a rash and sell the story to a scandal sheet as a kiss-and-tell story for a million dollars.
    It also may mean you’re related to Daffy Duck.
    Hint: stay away from Elma Fudd, just in case. (Your 21-year-old baby looks suspiciously like Elma Fudd. You don’t think … well, use your best judgement. Or don’t. I think the key thing is you’re allergic to rabbits so avoid swallowing them whole. (That may disappoint Bugs.)

  59. I saw where it said that Seller assumes all responsibility for this listing.
    That is mighty nice of eBay to do that. Call you “responsible”, I mean. There’s hope for the rest of us!

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..No good deed goes unpunished =-.

  60. Argh, price rose to 93 bucks. Well, I suppose that’s all right… but what’s not all right is how much I want a rabbit fur coat now.

  61. The lady wearing the red dress was blond, and the lady with her hand up a rabbit-skinned wolf butt is, I’m pretty sure, not. Not totally sure, but pretty sure. About as sure as I was when my wife got her hair cut without telling me beforehand. Which I think I should have gotten credit for, even if I didn’t actually announce it first out loud because I wasn’t totally sure. Maybe you could have footnotes or something for male readers to explain things like that.

  62. I would totally buy the magical wolf-head puppet if I weren’t allergic to rabbit fur, too. I couldn’t have a rabbit fur coat back in the day either. How have we survived with such deprivation in our lives, Jenny?! Please tell me you’ve at least been to Disney World. I haven’t. No rabbit fur coat, no Disney World. No wonder I’m in therapy.
    .-= @rdweatherly´s last blog ..No reason to hide =-.

  63. I hope this doesn’t give James Garfield a nervous condition. He may think he’s next on the auction block. If you find hair in the house, he’s probably shedding from nerves.

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