For the love of God, buy my house.

Today I sold our couches on craigslist because I need cash for drugs we’re moving and the guys we sold them to came to pick them up but when they moved the first couch there were like 23 furry-mouse cat toys stuck under there and they all kind of looked at me with their beady little mouse eyes like they were accusing me of poor housekeeping and one of the guys buying the couch was all “Huh.  You have a cat?” and I was all “Nope.  My husband.  He likes to bat shit around” and the guy just kind of stared at me and nodded and I nodded back and then Victor walked in and couldn’t figure out why both of those guys were looking at him so strangely and that’s what you get for making me answer the damn door, Victor.


And now for a list of shit-I-did-this-week-when-I-wasn’t-here:

True story: I just had to look up how to spell "soccer". Seems like there should be more O's in it.

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on the internets:

    • I was utterly baffled when Forbes put me on their Top 100 Websites For Women but then I noticed I was like on page eight which seemed more understandable because probably whoever was putting the list together was drunk by page seven but then someone pointed out that I was only on page eight because Forbes did the listing alphabetically but then I was all “Wow.  There must be a fucking ton of people with websites that start with an A” but turns out that they’d alphabetized me under “T” for “The Bloggess”.  Apparently I don’t know how alphabetizing works anymore.
    • My house.  You totally want to buy it.  Please.  Someone?

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    74 thoughts on “For the love of God, buy my house.

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. good luck with your house selling venture. we have had our home on the market for 2 months. we have had many showings, but no bites. it’s very frustrating. we even lowered the price and nada. i just don’t think people care that we need to sell our home. ungrateful bastards. thankfully, we found one in Ga that we love and are under contract. love the soccer picture. it does seem like it should be spelled differently. take care.

    2. We probably have an equal number of the same type of cat toy under our entertainment center. It’s also very likely entirely my fault that they’re all under there. Apparently Victor and I have similar hobbies.

    3. Hmmm. I need to remember that advice because the last time I moved my couch there was some scary shit in it. And I’m not talking cat toys unless by “cat toys” you mean “mouse poo from the mouse that got into the couch even though my husband swears it never left the obvious boundary of the laundry room because what mouse in it’s right mind would want to leave the dusty laundry room for the crumbly goodness of cereal and half-eaten sandwiches that is inside the couch?”

      Is that the type of shit that Victor likes to bat around?

    4. My three year old goddaughter plays with our cat’s toys when she visits way more than our cat ever does. We let her because we’re just glad someone’s getting some use out of them.

    5. Also, I love that I get hits from your comment section but only when I write that I am drinking in excess. I’ll bet none of you guys are excited to hop over to a blog of a chick with mouse shit in her couch…

    6. Well, I vacuumed the couch. I didn’t want to sound COMPLETELY disgusting. There isn’t any mouse stuff in it anymore and my cats no longer stare transfixed at the cushions so I’m guessing that our little visitor got caught in the freaking trap, after all.

    7. Does Victor like to play with the rings off of the gallon of milk too? My husband (aka my 3 cats) cant get enough of those things.

    8. I’m sending my husband the link to the period one from the shit you didn’t come up with. Just to freak him out. And also to show him that I am not the only woman who’s still, like, gets surprised by it. I swear to God, every month for 22 years I’ve been like “What the fuck is THIS mess?”

      And now I feel so old after realizing that I’ve been having my period 22 years that I’ll spend the next 3 hours looking up plastic surgeons in Costa Rica. Thanks for ruining my Sunday night.

    9. Jeez, what is WRONG with me… What I MEANT to say was: I’m praying that your house sells (and I’m a missionary, so I’m, like, *really* good at that) and also? You TOTALLY deserve to be on Forbes top 100. Totally.

    10. Just put your house on ebay. Make sure you get it haunted first, though, so buy a ouija and really piss something off, *then* list it.

    11. I used to work for the Health Department and we would get *tons* of complaints about (gag) bed bug infestations that people had after buying used furniture off of Craig’s List. Maybe the dudes you sold your couch to looked all strange and concerned because they thought Victor put the cat toys there to tempt the bedbugs off the couch. Because bedbugs would totally prefer to hang out on toy mice and get all high from the catnip. The next time you list furniture on Craig’s List you could just address this issue up front by placing a strongly worded sign on the couch and then taking a picture of it. “Neither Victor nor this couch currently is infested with any kind of vermin. Thank You. Cash only.”

    12. I’d buy your house in a minute! If I was in the market to come back home; which I’m not. I figure if it’s this hot here just how hot would it be there???

    13. I think the reason you’re not getting offers on your home is because you’ve obviously hidden James Garfield in an effort to “stage” the house and he’s insulted and offended and has put a curse on you.
      When you make a decision to buy a creature like that you have to be careful not to appear to be ashamed of him.

    14. Damn, your house is freakin’ clean and neat. I think you made up that shit about the cat toys under the couch.

    15. Everytime I look for your blog on my google reader, I look in the ‘B’ section- And then I wonder what sort of super secret computer ninja came in my computer and messed with my google reader. Right around the time I’m ready to throw things, I realize that it’s actually in the ‘T’ section.

      I’m not all that smart sometimes…

    16. I think Forbes alphabetizing approach was an evil plot to intentionally place you on page 8 instead of at the beginning of the list.

      Love your image for this post tonight. i think I would actually watch soccer if you were playing for the U.S. It would be so much more entertaining!

    17. The photos of your house are going to make it so much easier for me to fantasize about hanging out with you doing shots of tequila before strapping on our arm gear to fight the coming onslaught of zombies.
      weirdly, totally actually had a dream bout Jenny in which I was getting married and she and Katy Perry were my bridesmades only Katy Perry was trying to steal the fucking show and Jenny beat the crap out of her.

      I have no idea who I was marrying.

    18. The problem is you are “TheBloggess.” If you were “The Bloggess”, then you would have been under “B”. But, it just not reasonable to assume that a real person would have read that list and alphabetized it the way it should have been; a computer must have done it.

      Now, suppose you had chosen “The Bloggess”. They would have no excuse. But, if you were “The Bloggess”, you wouldn’t have a twitter account that matches, and typing spaces in URLs sucks, so overall, I think you made the right choice.

      Also, having a first name of “The” would suck and you would not have the career you have today. Better to have one good name than a stupid first name. This comment is lame, but I have been in the sun for hours, and my brain is sizzling. I need a drink. I did get some really cool kid pics, though. There’s that lameness again.

    19. You don’t sound very sentimental about saying goodbye to these couches. Did you hate them?

    20. OMG. The sweet potato link + the ke$ha star trek video almost killed me. I could not breathe for like two minutes.

      Laughter is deadly. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

      Man, I NEVER laugh that hard unless I’m drunk. And I’m stone sober. WTF, Jenny. You just blew my mind.

    21. The sweet potato thing: I laughed until I cried and choked on my saliva. That hurt.

      The Star Trek Tik Tok video: I had to look up the “official” music video for reference and the Star Trek one is definitely way better despite the fact that I’ve only ever seen one episode of Star Trek ever.

      In general: thank you for finding and/or creating all the most awesome stuff on the internet so I know where to go if I want to laugh so hard I cry and then choke.

    22. I will buy your house. I can offer you six socks with holes in them, $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters, a slightly used wedding album, photos included, 299 Avitable condoms, a cheesecake, and 6 Klonopin. Deal?

    23. Geeze, I hate stupid questions regarding cats. I was checking out at the store the other day and the guy check out scanned my litter and asked “Do you have a cat?” and I replied “Nope, I just like buying litter.” I got a strange look.

      P.S. I hate all stupid questions.

    24. Congrats again on Forbes! The genres are totally getting mixed and I like it. Okay to decipher what I just said, I said “I-did-not-think-of-Forbes-as-a-place-to-feature-anything-truly-funny”. So, hooray.

      But I am still confused about the cows on the cover.

    25. If I’d known that prices were that cheap, I’d have started therapy years ago to get over the arachnophobia, so I could buy your house. It’s cheaper than a bachelor-sized apartment, here. Unfortunately, I didn’t, so instead of spending money on healing phobia therapy – which would allow me to live in southern climates with big-ass motherfucking spiders – I spent it at Starbucks. Now I also need therapy to get over my Starbucks addiction, have no house, and still can’t travel below Michigan.

    26. I would love to buy your house but for three reasons:
      1) It doesn’t appear to have a basement. Where would I go to hide from the Zombie Apocalypse? Huddling quietly as their shuffles and moans come through the creaky floorboards.
      2)It doesn’t appear to have an attic. Where am I going to hide, pulling up the drop-stairs so that they won’t even know about the attic. That is, until I sneeze ‘because of dust allergies.
      3)I live in Toronto, and have no money with which to buy your house and start a new life down there in Texas away from the zombie racoons that shuffle the streets here at 2am.

    27. I will buy your house if you move it to corpus first because that’s where I’m moving this year. Also, the Very Worst Missionary hasn’t made a bit of effort to help me find the name of the frog-egg fruit so thanks a lot for that. You should be policing your comments a lot more, by the way. Because I’m dangerous unmoderated.

    28. Yeah – same problem with the soccer thing – I thought it was soccor like doctor or something… Maybe it’s the whole British twang that makes things sound more posh and twonky than they actually are…

      …but actually, isn’t soccer an American term?

      And that’s where my whole argument falls apart. Awesome.

    29. Please help me with this: I think soccer should be spelled f-u-t-b-o-l. It would allow us to keep calling our game “football” without being laughed at for being the only country in the world calling the international game “soccer.” “Futbol” sounds vaguely international, and is clear to people of every nation what game you mean.
      We’ll still get crap for avoiding the word “footballer,” but that word is gay, and not in a friendly, sticky way. People will know what we mean by “futbol player.”

      So the word “Soccer” needs to be replaced by “Futbol,” preferably before the next World Cup. Please, Jenny, can you make this your mission in your life, after raising Hailey, confusing Victor, selling your house, selling your detatchable arms on ebay, fending off ghosts and zombies and rabbit fur, and generally being the most awesome online personality? I’ll even donate to the cause, if you’re involved. Not money – I don’t have much of that – but time, which I have plenty of.

    30. You know, it seems odd that the whole world goes batshit over a game that sounds a whole lot like beating your wife. Or maybe your husband’s other girlfriend.

      In that contest, the term “soccer mom” makes a whole lot more sense.


    31. 1) and I was all “Nope. My husband. He likes to bat shit around”

      I just spat French Vanilla Cappucinno all over my fucking work computer.

      Thank you.

      2) Please stop showing me pictures of your beautiful house. I am unqualified for a mortgage and a m too Canadian to ever consider moving to the USofA and it’s DEPRESSING because your house is all I ever wanted and I CAN’T HAVE IT.

      (Whoo boy, that didn’t sound stalkerish, did it? I meant that I just love the house and not necessarily want it because you lived in it. Not that the fact that you lived in it isn’t a bonus! Oh god, save me from myself!)

    32. You are a blogger for women? I had considered you one for the masses, one that surpassed gender. Although, you probably still don’t qualify for the “Polite Society” category, eh?

      re: your house —- Has Texas fixed that textbook thing yet? No? However, they don’t require proof of citizenship at all times, do they? In that case, I am sure your house will sell in no time.

    33. So, you’ve probably seen this already. You might have even included it in your Sunday Update one week but I had not discovered your blog yet, so just in case you have not seen it, here is another hilarious Star Trek spoof to complement the Tik Tok hilarity:

      If you haven’t seen it, I think you are going to love it. My brother-in-law found it a few months back.
      Oh, and the missing cat post exchange that you linked to just made me die. You find the best stuff.

    34. your house is awesome! Just moved into my new (to me) home and i’m totally loving it! Good Luck with a quick sale!!

      P.S. You really rock!

    35. Not sure I’d want to buy the house of somebody who bats mice. You never know, he might have done the cat in so as to have more mice. There might be a body buried somewhere. (Hold on, didn’t you bury a saint upside down or something? There, what was I saying). Also, if you have trouble with the alphabet, how do I know it’s a house, you’re selling, and not a mouse? Just saying.

    36. I love how “Forbes” tries to describe your blog by saying you write about sex, love and motherhood…and anything else that comes to mind. Where’s the hairy armpits? Finding a therapist? New readers are going to be suprised (scared, appalled, thrilled, disgusted, amazed) by the things that come to your mind. Does “Forbes” know what they’ve gotten themselves in to? Oh, I hope not.

    37. Forbes: sucks at alphabetizing.

      Cat toys: love your quick comebacks!

      Victor: 😛

      House: Seriously considering it. Was looking at Texas as possible relocation location. (is that right? My brain just started singing “Conjunction Junction”)

      I *heart* you.

    38. As for alphabetizing things, people are dumb. I one time spend several hours re-alphabetizing a whole lot of old paper files, because the person who was supposed to do it, alphabetized it by first name.

      Buying or selling houses sucks. After six months of dealing with a short sale, it is now months and months of stripping paint, replacing windows and sanding…… I would think of buying your house. It looks like a whole lot less work than my house, but the commute would be a couple thousand miles.

    39. You should probably just take your old house with you, and use it to store the cat. Doesn’t your cat deserve her own house?

      Mine left me a hairball on my pillow this morning, while I was sleeping on it. So she definitely deserves something.

    40. I always think that the soccer needs more e’s and/or r’s. Maybe we should just start spelling it soocceerr, or you know, however we want.

    41. Forbes is an asshole, or is it “are assholes”? Total confusion going on over here. Again.
      As for husbands, yeah, they do that kind of shit, and then pass it off on the pets. Happens to us all the time. Except my husband wears underwear on his head, and socks on his ears, and thinks it’s funny.

    42. The torpedo. Yes. I am familiar with the technology.

      And there was discussion on my twitter feed about people wanting to buy yourself, until they found out you didn’t come with it.

      Therein is the problem, I believe.

    43. And I fell compelled now to say that when I typed “Yourself” I MEANT “your house.”

      If there are people out there trying to buy YOU, they are not on my twitter feed.

      And frankly, I prefer it that way. I don’t really want to be that close to people trafficking. I have teenagers. I am having to ignore too much crap that I don’t actually want to know about already.

    44. You’re missing an angle for selling your house; whoever buys it should chop it up into little pieces and sell those. Then, thousands of people can say “I got a piece of The Bloggess” just like when the Berlin Wall came down.

      I’m a marketing genius.

    45. I read you were on the Forbes list the other day. Congrats.I knew someone who “tried” to get on but they told her she’d have to make a video too- something about a clown, a yak, and some leather I think… I don’t remember the exact details. So if you got on page 8 without one you did great!

    46. I am TOTALLY going to that guy for any of my design needs in the future! That is pure genius. If I were looking for a house in Texas, I would buy yours. It’s purdy. Maybe I could try to talk the Husband into moving to Texas… I like Texas. Does the house also make me as comical as you?

    47. You are way more influential than Heather at Dooce. She’s never given any practical advice on how to handle Zombies! WTF, she just leaves her readers out there to be lunch…or at least a late night snack for zombies!

    48. Are you sure you’re not married to MY husband? I swear he asked for cat toys for his birthday and all I got him was a lousy iPhone.

      Tik Tok Star Trek gave me a happy.

    49. I live in a blue collar city that abuts Boston and I am absolutely flabberty-fucking-gasted at what houses go for in other places. We paid your asking price for our house, which is 120 years-old, was a short sale, is a 10 minute walk from the nearest park, has zombies and ghosts spilling out of it’s ant infested ass, sits on a lot the size an Ipod, and has what looks like about a million fewer square feet, whatever a square foot is. I hate Texas. And now we have to move there.

    50. You should definitely list your place on ebay because you seem to do well there. Just a thought.

    51. Also, I just called up my in laws who are house hunting in Texas with your place as a suggestion. Once again I have been reminded that Texas is really really really big, and that a house outside of Houston is not convenient to a Dallas commute. Whatever.

      I once called my husband excited that there was a sale on airfare and we should go see his parents. I found a hell of a deal to LA, which is apparently ALSO far from Dallas. Back East everything is closer together.

      I’m working on spacial awareness in general.

    52. So I have you under the B’s in my blog roll, or as I like to call it People Who Make Drinks Come Out My nose (really, that’s the official title) But I often do things wrong grammatically, despite working for a newspaper, and probably not better than someone official like Forbes.

    53. Yeah I never go in my couch. I found a cell phone, a remote control, a barbie faery shoe, random crumbs, fuzz, and all kinds of random shit last time I was brave enough to not only take off the slipcover but to move the cushions. I keep thinking about steam cleaning it but really I am just hoping the Babysaur jumping off of it will damage it like the Husband/Boy did the last couch where they totally broke the frame ninja-jumping over it in order to smash each other with foam swords. obviously there are no adults in this house. let alone ones who clean under couches. im afraid to move it most of the time.

      i would totally buy your house because its cooler than my shoebox in the woods only like..i have no monies. good luck with that. someone will grab it. especially if they mentioned you in Forbes. because only peeps with money read that and then they will be like holy shit this house is awesome just because it belongs to the bloggess. it’s one of those gotta-have-it things. better than a haunted camera. ya know?

    54. i have always thought soccer was spelled soccor too… until like 3 months ago. thats a long ass time to be spelling it wrong…. along with “enviornment” and “buisness” and “tiered” (instead of tired). The scary thing is i have a DOCTORATE degree!! thank god for spll chk…

    55. I like how you used “bat shit” and “husband” in the same sentence without *actually* stating the word “crazy”. It’s like it leads the reader/stranger-taking-your-couch to that water without making him/her drink but by that time DAMMIT they’re thirsty so they just dive right in and man, do I need a swim now. Or a Gin & Tonica (Stupid Adam Sander. I can’t say the name of that drink normal any more). What was I talking about?

      So, yeah. Intelligent backhanded compli-sults: Fuck-YEAH!

    56. I love/hate you for posting that Star Trek link. It’s probably the greatest thing I’ve ever seen, but now I’m cruising DVD websites shopping for the original series on DVD, and they charge a gazillion dollars for those things, man. I blame you for the $175 I’m about to spend.

      P.S. I am SO PARANOID about that period thing happening to me that I ALREADY HAVE tampons, pads, and pantiliners in every purse I own, just in case I switch them and don’t think about it. All 18 purses. Because of course it would happen to me at work, the day I wear my light gray pants or my khakis.

    57. Selling a house can take awhile if not done creativly. I had an agent one time who was really good at finding just the right asking price and marketing the positive attributes of the home. Needless to say it sold quickly and for a fair market value.

    58. We’re trying to sell our house, too. Unfortunately, however, it’s chocked full of zombies and ne’er-do-wells.

    59. I want to write a scathing letter to Bresnan because they can’t freaking alphabetize their movies!! You don’t file shit under “A” or “The” people!! WTF? Where did their programmers go to school?? Maybe they should all start using the Dewey Decimal System??

    60. I was buying David Thorne’s second book when Amazon suddenly screamed at me, “YOU ALSO WANT TO BUY THIS BOOK BY JENNY LAWSON!” And, since Amazon has never lied to me previously, I bought it. And then I fell in love. And then I spent the rest of my time reading through all your old posts like a creepy stalker. True story. <3

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