Once again, I’m 2 weeks late on my list of shit-I-did-this-week-when-I-wasn’t-here. I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me either.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on the internets:
- I sent the Old Spice guy an open letter about Homer Simpson’s head being on his stomach.
- I finally made it onto Wikipedia. Under the category of “controversy”. None of this should be surprising, really. (Updated: If the link doesn’t work for you then right-click and select “open in a new window”. Apparently apture is vainly trying to protect my reputation.)
- I took pictures of my new neighborhood.
- He’s really blossomed since leaving home.
- And then that happened.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
62 thoughts on “I don’t even have a title for this.”
Read comments below or add one.
I am still confused by the fact the people are ever offended by you. But then I remember that there is a tragically high number of people with “cant-take-a-joke syndrome”.
Whats so controversial? You’re just doing your thing, giving people real world advice about zombies, saints and foxes. Though I have yet to see you address what to do if you meet a zombie fox with delusions of sainthood.
Re random controversy: I apparently offended some people by saying that Wonder Woman was a traitor to America when she traded in star-spangled panties for a leather jacket and choker.
The internet is serious business. Let us never forget this.
Vagina sand. One of the most awful things ever. Not like I’ve ever experienced it or anything. It happened to my cousin once…er..yuck.
I just realized after I posted my last comment that combined with the name of my last blog post it looks like all I ever talk about is vagina’s and scrotum’s. I’m not really sure why we’re not best friends yet.
The Bible does have a drunken time traveler though. God’s kid, whatcha going do?
I will be incorporating ‘douche-canoe’ into my vocabulary. Thank you, Jenny.
These links are going to eat up hours of my day.
At least you did stuff. The fact that you were two weeks late letting us know the stuff you did was neither here nor there. I, on the other hand, am writing this comment to avoid the stuff I really should be doing. Like finding out what ‘vaginal sand’ is. For example.
oooh, did they take down your wikipedia thing, because I just tried to go there to no avail. Too controversial for controversy?
Also totally had the vagina sand conversation with my husband recently in Mexico. It helps if you talk a little about what that might feel like on his penis.
I am now going to be late for work thanks.
Actually thats more than fine I was only going to work to sit and read your blog anyways. I should work from home can you sort that out for me? Thanks!
I can’t even see the controversy link. Obviously your more controversial than you think. Wiki can’t even handle it.
“Vagina sand” makes me cringe … and I don’t even have a vagina … despite what the other boys said when it came time to pick teams for sports when I was a child … not that I’m scarred by that experience or anything.
That’s a brilliant pic of the new hood. Roving bands of biker squirrels I imagine. Time to blow shit up.
When I read your blog, I feel like the Grinch when his heart expands at the end… I get all warm and fuzzy because I’m laughing so damn much!
I am fairly new to the blogging world (I’m in my 7th month- she’s kicking, keeping me up all night and making me eat lots of Crave cupcakes) and know that you are revered as perhaps the queen of blogging? So, when I saw the Houston Chronicle link above, I did a Russian then a flip-flop, but, unfortunately, I did these in my rather small kitchen. I’m from Houston and live in Houston currently. So, I sit here in my body cast typing and thinking that maybe the split leaps I did before the Russian and flip-flop were unnecessary because maybe you don’t actually live in Houston?? Either way, it’s good that H-town got it’s name dropped in this major piece of internet highway. And, I so live where you do… I’m talking about the bathing suit comment in that Houston Chronicle link. Okay, I’ve talked enough. Goodbye.
Sorry. I’m back. I noticed that my post above didn’t REALLY show me “Comment Luv”, so I’m trying this mess out again. Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Houston! That was annoying, wasn’t it?
I understand what it is to have a dog with a disability. Except my dog is gay. So people don’t know whether to pity him or irrationally hate him for religious reasons. What does the Bible say about special needs gay dogs? I’m Episcopalian, so we don’t have the version of the Bible where God hates everybody and tells you how to oppress them. So I have to read The Bloggess instead and she doesn’t say. She must be stuck up.
I’m taking your advice and pretending I was at BlogHer this year…yeah. I’m dewin’ it! So if anyone asks, you and I got matching nipple rings together after a bottle of tequila.
Can we make out?
Also, would it be illogical of me to impulse-buy a popcorn popper? For BlogHer?
That is all.
Have you ever had the Chinese use your blog as a communication channel??? I swear I think that’s what’s happening to me!!
Have I told you lately that you are a freakin’ genius? No? Well, you are!
I don’t think I’ll use “douche-canoe”. But I’m going to treasure it. Hold it close to my heart without using it. Just like “cunt”.
Firstly, I always thought Blogher was a typo and no one wanted to say anything.
Secondly, your neighbours are way cooler than mine who keep trying to steal my cable.
And lastly, I think Edward Norton would make a lovely Mr. Darcy.
I know what’s wrong with you. It’s because it’s July. Which, in Texas, as well as here in my humble abode in your neighboring state of AR, means that you spend most of your days lying on the couch in as few articles of clothing as possible, spritzing yourself with a spray bottle of water, and trying to move as little as possible, so as to avoid the inevitable heat stroke.
Er, at least that’s what you do if you’re me… You might actually have central air, and therefore be able to avoid my fate.
So, if you do have central air, then you have no excuse.
… I forgot where I was going with this. It’s too hot to type anymore, anyway.
I love that I can come here to laugh. Way more therapeutic than therapy. It has been helping me to laugh while going through a divorce. So thanks for being so damn funny!
I feel like “Excuse Me, Sharks” are going to be the LOLcats of 2010. Also they will have the added hilarity of missing limbs. “Excuse me, shark, I wuz totally gonna use that penis.” is by far my favorite, and it doesn’t even exist…yet.
Hahaha, I think everything you write regularly makes my day. Thank you.
Sounds like the folks who dress up in giant blueberry suits have it together better than the person who was “offended”.
They really, really need to teach the definition of “satire” in the public skoolz.
I’m exhausted just reading this list.
Glad to see that our logo met with your approval. 😉 We think she turned out adorable! (For certain values of adorable. Okay, we’re freaks, what can I say?)
Currently kickin’ it with the Old Spice guy. That’s actually Yul Brynner’s head. It’s good to be a sailor.
I guess I’m the last to know, but just where did you move to- area wise? Are you still around the outskirts of Houston somewhere? With a fox in your backyard, I’m thinking more like outside Austin. Or did you leave our fine state all together?
Why would someone be spraying water on an owl? Don’t they know it can rip you face off? They must’ve been really loaded.
Not impressed that there is another Kelley here Jenny. What fuck is up with that?
Anyhoo, you should totally submit that Old Spice guy pic to ‘cannot unsee’ (I would link to the website but that would take effort and I am still pissed about that other Kelley… OMG) because now you have RUINED him for me. RUINED! *shakes fist angrily at Jenny and her Homer Simpson*
I opened this in Firefox, and the tab for this window says, “I don’t even have a tit…”. Just wanted to share that.
I am kind of bummed I can’t think of anything raunchy enough to submit to the Freaky Fountain Press. Do they take Star Trek TNG erotica? I am so pitifully vanilla. My favorite sex position is the Starfish, where I just lay there and wait for Sweet Babou to take me to the happy place. Seriously, if I do bandage I am always the bottom, because I do not want to have to make all the effort. Isn’t bondage pretty much just the Kinky Starfish for the bottom?
It’s nice to see Kristoffer opening up and beginning to socialize more. I sent him a friend request. He seems to have a more diverse set of interests and skills than most of my current facebook friends.
Got my first piece of hate mail this weekend. I felt so special…….. how did it feel for you when you got your first?
Love your blog !!
Wow, your neighborhood looks beautiful!! This looks like a professional shot there, with the sepia tones of the clouds – love it!
controversial? wow… aren’t folks so sensitive these days…. this blog brings copious amounts of laughter and smiles to my day… like a unicorn in blog form…
At least I still have more friends than Kris on Facebook, but I fear not for long. Not for long.
clearly you’ve been doing way too much shit when you are not here, which in turn means you have more shit to write about in your “shit I did when I wasnt here” bit, but you are not here long enough to write the shit up….
is it sad I’m jealous of other people’s hate mail?
And YOU are my hero! I wish I could write as much as you do on any given week. Awesomeness!
Love the B***H** Q&A – it totally made my morning. And Jane Astin’s Fight Club?!? How did you find this? I keep laughing at it.
Bloggess, are you trying to kill me?! I almost took your advice about finding a nice patch of grass to stand barefoot in, then I surveyed the wide expanse of Death Valley grass and realized that due to our recent drought, if I even attempted to stand barefoot in the grass, I’d probably bleed out from the puncture wounds in my feet before I could make it to help. So now not only do I think you’re out to get me, I’m also sad because I don’t have any grass to stand in. Just dried up razor sharp weapons of mass destruction. Thanks.
The bathing suit story is my favorite.
“This is turning into a snuff film…”
Sums up exactly how I have always felt about that book.
I always thought it was just me.
I am not alone.
I saw Jane Austen’s fight club thing the other day- hilarious! Also, someone keeps searching my blog for your name (why?) but they keep spelling it wrong.
Oh PS loved your BlogHer post, too. I won’t be there this year but you said everything I’ve kept my mouth shut about. Hugs and misses.
I don’t Facebook (pretty sure I’m the last person on the planet that doesn’t) but I haven’t ever thought about joining more than I am right now, just to be friends with Kristoffer.
Who brought the Wikipedia to your attention? Oh yes, I believe that was me. Rock on Leah, rock on.
“Is that your blood?”
“Some of it.”
Oh might Bloggess, what is the website you’re using to make your pictures for the “Shit I Was Doing When I Wasn’t Here” segment? I used it a long time ago and I don’t remember what it is and googling is getting me pictures of leprechauns eating cupcakes and other useless (but inherently intriguing) things. Please tell me! I won’t tell anyone. Or maybe I’ll tell everyone. We’ll see. You would be my hero though.
Photofunia and picnic.com. I’m a big fan of both.
Photofunia was definitely what I was looking for! Thank you!
google, who now owns picnic.com, should definitely give you some sort of commission. Ever since I learned about them from you I have become obsessed with it! What a time sinker. LOL.
I love love love Old Spice guy. And your letter hilarious as usual. (Can’t believe we did NOT see Homer Simpson in that ab of his before…) I can’t believe he hasn’t made a video response to you!
Look again. Your blog is now diamonds!
OMG, you live in the same neighborhood as my parents’ lake house – I can tell from the pictures!
Jeepers! All those links has really given my OCD a workout. Merci x