Victor’s home (yay!) and he leaves again tonight (mother.fucker.) but it was nice because when he got home from his work retreat he was all “I’m exhausted. Can you rub my temples?” and I was like “Um…no. I have piratitis, remember?” and he was all “Like…fear of pirates?” and I was like “No. It’s a severe kidney infection and I feel like crap. You should be rubbing my temples” and he was all “Well, my kidneys hurt too. I had a lot to drink. Plus my throat hurts from all that karaoke” and I was all “If this gets worse they’re going to put me in the hospital” and he was like “Oh, and my company rented out an amusement park for my team and my back hurts from riding the roller coaster too much” and I was all “On the way to the emergency clinic someone ran over a cat right in front of me” and he was all “Did you see these pictures of me hula-hooping? I didn’t even know I could hula hoop” and then I was all “I found a scorpion in the toilet. Now I’m afraid to pee but I can’t stop peeing because I HAVE A LIFE-THREATENING KIDNEY INFECTION” and he was like “I understand. When I was in the airplane I bit my lip. Hurt like hell. But then I got bumped up to first class so I had ice cream to sooth it. They were out of chocolate though. It was pretty devastating”. Then I just stopped talking because I’m too weak with piratitis to find the guns.
PS. Turns out it’s not “piratitis” but “pyelonephritis”, but “pyelonephritis” sounds like a fear of pylons, which sounds fucking ridiculous. So I’m sticking with piratitis.
PPS. Victor did rub my temples so I guess that makes us not even close to being even.
And now, my weekly wrap-up of shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here, although it’s kind of crazy long since I didn’t do it last week because my dog died. Also, this is the most depressing post ever. I apologize.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
Ingram Hills Dental: Local San Antonio badass dentist willing to talk and laugh you off the dental cliff. Military wife, mom and lover of sarcasm and teeth.
Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.
Relatively Painless: “My only complaint is that I wanted more, which is a good complaint to have. It made me laugh and cry and then laugh again and then pee and then cry. Lots of fluids lost. But in a good way. A book to make you appreciate the tragically funny and beautiful horror of family.” — Jenny Lawson — use code BLOGGESS for $5 off a ticket to a live reading!
The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she asked ‘Do people still read blogs?’ I don’t know, but if YOU want to read it, click on the link. Keep in mind, reading about dating after 40 is for the brave. ~Marta O
They Called Him Marvin: They were just kids, barely not teenagers. Desperate to be a family but a B29 and a war got in their way.