I missed Victor and I’m ready for him to leave again.

Victor’s home (yay!) and he leaves again tonight (mother.fucker.) but it was nice because when he got home from his work retreat he was all “I’m exhausted.  Can you rub my temples?” and I was like “Um…no.  I have piratitis, remember?” and he was all “Like…fear of pirates?” and I was like “No.  It’s a severe kidney infection and I feel like crap. You should be rubbing my temples” and he was all “Well, my kidneys hurt too.  I had a lot to drink.  Plus my throat hurts from all that karaoke” and I was all “If this gets worse they’re going to put me in the hospital” and he was like “Oh, and my company rented out an amusement park for my team and my back hurts from riding the roller coaster too much” and I was all “On the way to the emergency clinic someone ran over a cat right in front of me” and he was all “Did you see these pictures of me hula-hooping?  I didn’t even know I could hula hoop” and then I was all “I found a scorpion in the toilet.  Now I’m afraid to pee but I can’t stop peeing because I HAVE A LIFE-THREATENING KIDNEY INFECTION” and he was like “I understand.  When I was in the airplane I bit my lip.  Hurt like hell. But then I got bumped up to first class so I had ice cream to sooth it.  They were out of chocolate though.  It was pretty devastating”.  Then I just stopped talking because I’m too weak with piratitis to find the guns.
PS.  Turns out it’s not “piratitis” but “pyelonephritis”, but “pyelonephritis” sounds like a fear of pylons, which sounds fucking ridiculous.  So I’m sticking with piratitis.
PPS.  Victor did rub my temples so I guess that makes us not even close to being even.
And now, my weekly wrap-up of shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here, although it’s kind of crazy long since I didn’t do it last week because my dog died.  Also, this is the most depressing post ever.  I apologize.
I'm using this graphic because I don't have one of me on my deathbed.

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on the internets:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    Comment of the day: I googled “pyelonephritis” and one of the symptoms was “Mental changes or confusion” and then the whole post made more sense. ~ Stoic

    71 thoughts on “I missed Victor and I’m ready for him to leave again.

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. I think what you should do for revenge is eat a ton of chocolate ice cream and not let Victor have any. I think that would be appropriate. Or something.
      Hope you feel better soon 🙂

    2. If I were at your house, I would totally rub your temples AND your feet. Because I’m a real friend, just one you’ve never met and who obsessively reads your blogs. Okay, maybe it would be creepy to rub your feet, but I think you should at least appreciate my willingness.

    3. Weird, I had a life threatening kidney infection just last week. I had to go to the hospital. It sucked. Im better now. Maybe you took it from me. If so, Im terribly sorry bout that shit, and totally understand how you feel. Take Raid with you to the bathroom.

    4. My husband does the same shit when he goes on business trips. He is an asshole and sends me pictures of all the great food he is eating. While I am stuck at home with 3 kids.

    5. You may not have had a deathbed pic, but this is maybe the.best.picture.of.you.EVER! It’s awesome! You should have kidney issues more often! ; ) (hope you feel better soon!)

    6. That pic is so cool! But you look like a vampirish wild, wild, west woman who somehow got thrust into the future (because of the gun model and the city street background at dusk). That IS much better than any deathbed picture. Or…a good way to look if you did happen to actually be on your deathbed.

      One suggestion, though. Learn to pee standing up!

    7. Normally, I side with the weary traveler, because team-building and corporate frivolity is HARD FUCKING WORK. It is! We’re not just making that up because we love sleeping diagonally on the king size hotel bed with twelve pillows to ourselves!

      But in this case, having a fear of pylons might just win out over weary travelership. (Or is it weary travelerhood? I can never remember.)

      Because I AM the final arbiter of all disagreements on the ‘net (it’s a hard job, but somebody has to do it), I declare you the winner in this episode of the Husband Wife Who Has it Harder Competition. Congrats!!

    8. Darn you, I just meant to check really quick before I started in on the serious internet porn, and I once again spent WAY too much time on your wrap up so I’m going to have to use the special burny cream with the vibrator because I’m on a deadline here.

      I’ve got to go pick the kiddo up from school.

      God, I love being a stay at home mom.

    9. Actually Piratitis would be an inflammation of your pirate, or the other would be an inflammation of your pylon… the fear of pirates would piratephobia or something. Just a friendly FYI

    10. I have a show that might fit the ticket for your daughter’s love of the surreal. If you haven’t heard of “Food Party” by Thu Tran you MUST check it out. Its been called a cross between Julia Child’s The French Chef and Pee Wee’s Playhouse – and honestly I cannot think of a better way to classify it. Here is a sample. It currently runs on IFC

    11. i thought pyelonephritis meant you had a curved dick. oh wait that’s peyronie’s disease. yeah i’d stick with piratitis too.

    12. Hmmmm… sounds eerily familiar to the conversations my husband and I have when he gets back from a trip. You know, where he gets to eat food. Food that OTHER people cooked. And drink – a lot.

      Hope you are feeling better!

    13. Oh, husbands. I recently attempted to die of mastitis after I told my husband I wasn’t feeling too well and he convinced me to “shake it off and go for a jog”. I returned to a 103.5 and a desperate need for IV antibiotics. Doing some legal research at present to see if this actually qualifies as attempted murder.

    14. I can’t believe he’s leaving again! What did I say in my last comment? HMMM?? WHAT DID I SAY? I said Victor’s not allowed to leave again… ever. I can see what my two cents is worth around here. *Going to go spready my haughty opinions elsewhere* psst!! feel better!

    15. Oh, so YOUR hubby is the one who had mine out all weekend? Mine returned in much the same state, however as a fiction writer, I can take his little body and the little weenie that’s attached and do whatever the hell I want to it in the book.

      I will admit that a little of the wrath Steven experiences in Go Deeper Liz is my way of venting about all of the fabulous, all-expense paid golf trips real hubby has on his docket. And the main character? She has fun enough for all of us, so take that hubby!

      Hope you’re feeling better. Smile and say “yes, please,” when they offer drugs for pain. Even if you don’t need them now, you can save ’em for later.


    16. yeah, ok. pyelonephritis comes from the greek puelos and nefro (=kidney). puelos is something between your urethra and your kidney, I think. I just realized, you’ve googled it up already for sure. and I just sounded like mister portokalos from my big fat greek wending. yeaaahy me

    17. *Sigh* I’m lost in Ottawa and haven’t had the internet in DAYS and I’m stuck around a teenage hockey team driving my little brother around and god damnit I NEEDED a hit of this damned blog.

      And tequila.

      I’ve had both.

    18. I just laughed till my kidneys hurt.

      but anyways I think I’m going to tell people I suffer from “pyelonepiratitis” fear of pirates made of pylon.

      oh and feel better.

    19. That is the best graphic EVER! What are you talking about,dude?

      You know which graphic you should’ve used? The one I drew for you. Next Monday!

    20. I googled “pyelonephritis” and one of the symptoms was “Mental changes or confusion” and then the whole post made more sense.

    21. I think of all three the piratitus sounds the best. Of course you’ll have to get over it by Halloween. Will you even have trick -or-treaters out there in Stixville?

    22. My sister had pyelonephritis when we were kids. She almost died. Actually, she did die for a minute and they electro-paddled her back to life. Not that you need to be electro-paddled…yet…but now you can make Victor read that. Or – wait – maybe not. He might get the wrong idea.

    23. Victor probably didn’t rub your temples because he was gone and he knows that women get kidney infections from anal sex and come to think of it I wouldn’t rub them either because THANKS FOR NOT INVITING ME, BLOGGESS.

    24. I hope you feel better! My mom specialized on kidneys when I was little (she was a doctor, not a chef). Seriously, woman. Feel better soon!

      And this dialogue is classic. Classic, horrible, horrible dialogue. Was Victor born in the year of Tiger by any chance??

    25. My gawd! You work hard!

      I’m going to outwork you after Tessa’s birthday party in September. She’s turning forty, so we gotta make it big.

    26. Ooops. I wish I’d read your post before I murdered my husband by stuffing his throat with my used Kleenex when he got into an oneup(sick)manship with me. Did you see the cmoic skit on YouTube called “Man Cold”? I guess they are all the same: low threshold for pain. Chicken and egg: is that why god decided men are not qualified to bear children because they would have been all jumping off the cliff when the first contraption comes? (Sorry for lousy grammar here. I am sure I am using the wrong tenses). Or maybe their threshold for pain did not evolve because they don’t have to give birth? For all the other awesome things you showed us this week? I won the lottery by clicking on hyperboleandahalf! Thank you oh wise one! I hope your kidneys, both of them, are doing much better.

    27. Hey, your column totally didn’t answer whether there are ravines anymore or if they are just ditches. I think ravines may be deeper but perhaps they are only ditches if you are a little hillbilly-ish. And kidney infections SUCK and now my kidney is feeling sympathetic pain for yours.

    28. oKAY, SO my husband runs the Iowa State Fair….okay …don’t judge…Martha Fricken Stewart spent a week here shooting cuz, “our state fair is the best state fair”. Crazy thing…our fair is on like …a bucket list….of the top 100 hundred things you should do before you die….I do it 15 days at a time….still no death….I keep trying…what will be the death of me is my nine year old daughter who wants to ride the rides…which I refuse to do because they cost a fortune and irregardlessly of my husband’s stature…we don’t get free passes…for the love of Pete…)(whoever Pete is) his worker’s give me crap when my 12 BF’s pile into one Volkswagon to use my one parking pass…..and attempt to use the one un_known….air-conditioned bathroom at my husband’s office….upon entering our FAIR experience….My whole point is…my husband moves out for 15 days to kive at the fricken FAIR!!! Then he comes home…sort of….and tomorrow he leaves for the Minnesota state Fair….just to look around….are you kidding me???? Our men;s jobs are freaking nuts….I have 3 kids in 5 schools….I’d like to see our husband’s do a day in our lives.

    29. LIVE not kive…clearly…I am drinking vodka…and pissed off…thank you for giving me a venue to vent.

    30. It’s ‘International Talk Like a Pirate Day’ soon – you could invent a new piratitis disease specially for then!

      But I’m not sure that would really be in keep with the spirit of ‘International Talk Like a Pirate Day”.

      Although, Pirates suffer from scurvy – so maybe that *would* work. Or is it sailors who suffer from scurvy?

      Bottom line? We all need to eat more oranges.

    31. What the heck is it that your husband does? I want that job….and the “Bloggesswanabee” husband’s job…King of the Fair, sounds like a good job…cotton candy and kettle corn for 2 weeks straight…I’m in.

      Why didn’t we hear about jobs like these on career day?

      The whole scorpion thing is traumatic…along with everything else that has happened to you since you moved. Hang in there!

    32. I understand how the death bed pic would make more sense, but seriously the one you put is freaking awesome. We’ll just call that the reaction to Victor trying to compete picture and be done with it.

    33. I had Piratitis once. All the rum made my kidneys hurt too, or was it my liver? Anyway, I don’t remember anything after Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom showed up. Best prescription ever!

    34. That was supposed to be a <3 (heart) not a question mark. Now I look like an ass. 🙁

    35. I secretly want to be a pirate… okay, it’s not so secret. But anything that sounds like the need for piracy is pretty awesome (except for the deathbed, painful, I’d-Rather-Die part).


    36. Dude I so want to see pictures of Victor Hula-hooping. And I’ve biten my lip on a plane before and it f-ing hurts so you should like get him some ice cream and stuff.

      p.s. if you need a kidney transplant give me a call. Being a freak of nature I was blessed with extra kidneys as in I have more than two..Yeah for me!

    37. ooo…yeah. Had that sort of nasty kidney infection while pregnant with my third. Doctor was like….hey now….stop with this nonsense, and then I peed him a bucket of red and he was convinced. Turns out a week later it’s kidney stones and I am in the hospital for a week, pregnant. But the food was AWESOME!

      Anywhodley…..feel better and take your meds 😉

    38. Kudos for your love of Hyperbole and a Half. Between you and her, I’m doomed to never get anything done at work. Fortunately, I’m very good at hiding my addictions so I keep getting promoted anyway – highfive!

    39. I love that you read Hyperbole and a Half, too, seeing as you are both hilarious as hell.

      My fiance has been working crazy overtime for over a month now, meaning usually Monday-Thursday he doesn’t get home until after 9. I get home and am totally missing him, and then he gets home and is all, what’s for dinner and I’m like, WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING? Well, there’s more to it than that, but you get the general idea.

      What I’m trying to say is, I relate.

    40. @Margaret (3:06 p.m.) – What is it with husbands and acute infections? I had pyelo a couple years ago, and the conversation went something like this…

      Me (Saturday afternoon): I think I have a kidney infection. My pee smells funny, I have a fever, my back hurts, and I just slept for 15 hours straight and still feel awful.

      Hubby: Drink a bunch of water and go back to bed. Your body’s just trying to work something out on its own.

      Me (Monday morning): I’m going to the doctor.

      Doctor: Uh, you have a kidney infection and should have called urgent care over the weekend, dumbass. Here, have some antibiotics.

    41. I just had a kidney infection too! You and Kate and I can be bosom buddies or something. Seriously though, I hope yours doesn’t get as bad as mine did. Probably not, since you seem to have caught it early. Mine came about because of an unknown penicillin allergy, and was very, very sudden. But I can’t imagine what it would cost to survive that, living in the states as you do. I was in the hospital for 19 days and was given hemodialysis 7.5 times** and for the first few days, I couldn’t pee at all. It’s surprising how excited a person (and everyone they know) can get about pee.

      On the plus side, when I got out my sister-in-law made me a card that said “URINE LUCK!!”

      ** My temporary catheter stopped working on us partway through and they couldn’t even give me my blood back. Ugh. Then there was an emergency-ish procedure to get me a more permanent catheter so I could have dialysis again the next day.

    42. I know I’m Super Late To the Party, but OMG I had pyelonephritis and it is literally the worst thing ever. My fever got to 106 and when I took my temperature I was all, Well THAT can’t be right, and I called my best friend to ask to borrow a thermometer and he said No Jacquie, you don’t need a thermometer, you need to go to a Freaking Hospital. Then the Cipro they gave me made everything much, much worse.

      Point being: sympathy, and hugs.

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