Because when you think of structured parenting, you think of me. And pythons. Probably.

So The Stir at CafeMom contacted me about becoming one of their columnists and they asked if I had any idea on what I’d like to write about and I was all “Well, parenting advice, obviously” and then they paused for a second because they actually have read my blog before and so I sent them a sample column about using snakes to teach your children to not lie to you and they were all “You’re in.  But maybe we should find a way to let people know that you’re a satire writer so you don’t get flooded with hate mail?” and I was like “Yeah.  That’s not going to help.  Remember the Dr. Pepper debacle?” but they agreed let me come up with the title for the column, which at least gives the stupid people a fighting chance at realizing that they look like idiots for taking anything I say seriously:

My first column is here. It’s kind of horrific and I’m quite proud.

And now for my weekly wrap-up of shit-I-did-this-week-when-wasn’t-here:

The I-spent-this-weekend-at-a-haunted-hotel-and-that-story-is-coming-I-promise Edition.

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on the internets:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Kit from Blogging Dangerously, who you should totally check out.  She is unpredictable in the best sense of the world, and someone I’d very much like on my side in case of zombie attack.  Unless she got bitten.  Then I would take her down without blinking an eye.  With a chainsaw probably.  This is what you get when you advertise here on my blog.  A run-down of the ways I would murder you if necessary. You’re welcome.

    67 thoughts on “Because when you think of structured parenting, you think of me. And pythons. Probably.

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Here’s a new factoid I learned last night: garden snakes have sex with one female and six males. It looks like a churning ball of tails and heads—TERRIFYING. Maybe I should tell my kid he’ll get caught up in a snake sex ball if he lies.

    2. Does this advice only apply to children? Or can I also use snakes to teach art students not to give stupid meaningless critique? Because not having 3 hours of my life a week wasted would be pretty great.

    3. Thank you for the re-cap. My week was not slow and so I look forward to catching up on the important things that are happening in the world. Who needs CNN when we have you.

    4. Oh good god, parenting advice? The human race won’t make it through another generation. We’re doomed… DOOMED, I TELL YOU!


    5. Under no circumstances have I ever questioned why Allie Brosh appears on “shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome”. You two are clearly the funniest people on the internet. Also, if I ever got to make a “make-a-wish” type wish it would probably be to go on roadtrip with you two , especially with explosions and monkeys… but not exploding monkeys, that would be sad.

    6. Was your updated “about me” page supposed to link to Allie’s site as well?
      btw- weekly wrap up is my favorite thing to read. Thank you!

    7. Ill Advised will merely serve to confuse the idiots, don’t you think? Make them think you are some sort of pediatrician, there to help them cure their sick (ill) children. Just sayin’. You can’t fix stupid. That’s all.

    8. Oh, Bloggess, your parenting advice makes child-rearing sound like a raucous adventure! Yet it is also highly effective birth control, because I realize that satirizing the process is probably the only way to stay sane, and that real children couldn’t possibly be that fun. Also, I would be too tempted to actually take your advice, but I like my intact anus too much to risk jail time.

    9. I was explaining to my husband this morning on the way to church how I never need to see another snake in my life again. ever. Now I am rethinking that statement for a whole host of uses

    10. I like how your “about me” page is Hyperbole and a Half. I don’t know what you are trying to tell me, but I am liking it.

    11. So… you got a new writing gig, stayed somewhere haunted *and* are going on a monkey vacation with Hyperbole and a Half? Some people have all the luck.

    12. I’m pretty sure if you and Allie get together, it will rip small holes in the time-space continuum with all the awesomeness.

    13. The new “About” is sexy. The python lie, however, made me feel very sorry for the kids. Like, really really sorry for the kids. Who probably never opened that box to begin with. How would you know???

    14. When I saw the link to this post, I thought, “Oh fu- dear, now Jenny’s got a python in her house.”

      Maybe it’ll eat the dead chupacabra.

    15. But my god, some of the best emails vie ever received are pieces of hate mail telling me I’m s bad person for being terrified of the babies on tlc.

      Those people are how you know you’ve made it

      Or it let’s you know that your grandmother has found your blog and is disinheriting you.

      So far I haven’t made it. And I am no longer going to get Mimi, the 17 year old daemon possessed cat.

    16. Nobody listens to my parenting advice, either, and my daughter actually made it to adulthood relatively unscathed. My theory is, if they don’t end up in prison, lifelong therapy, or write a book about their childhood, a la Mommy Dearest, you’re home free. Probably best to not let your kids to learn how to read and write, just in case. Too bad Hailey’s so precocious. You may have to come up with a different plan.

    17. Maybe someone already said this, but SNL actually did a skit about how dinosaurs are Jesus ponies…I’m just sayin’ that’s probably why it pops up. However, it’s a fucking hilarious skit and I still laugh about it when I’m really slap happy.

    18. I’m getting REALLY nervous because my work keeps restricting more and more websites! Pretty soon I’ll only be able to read you on the tiny screen of my iPhone! I couldn’t open “I’m going to ruin everything” or “Blogging Dangerously” Damn work interfering with my blog reading!
      Awesome job on your new advice column by the way! Not a parent yet, but when I become one….totally using that!

    19. My parents taught me not to lie by lying. And then they told me to get a tattoo, pierce my ears, and flirt with boys. Needless to say, I was pretty confused.

    20. My knees hit the floor and I’m thanking Goddess that I’ve finally found a mother who understands motherhood. Why didn’t I know about you and your awesomeness back when I needed it most?

    21. I like that the chick with the book bag sits and looks at that money tree, makes some calls, comes back, makes some calls, unhooks her bike, looks some more…that girl is waiting to see someone get abducted.

    22. I like to think that I’d be taken down by flamethrower, just for the sheer theatrics of it. There’s that moment where I’m on fire, and now you’ve got a flaming zombie, and everyone just stops to watch me flap around on fire…it’s just beautiful, really.

    23. Hey Jenny,
      Thanks for the kind words, and the Death Threat, I think. That’s high praise from a woman who paid actual money to sleep in a haunted hotel. Most people try to avoid that. Of course, most people try to avoid sleeping with serial killers too so I’m not in a position to judge.

    24. I’m so glad you’ll be dolling out advice at the Stir. I’ve taken all your advice on your other sites and I must say I’m a much better person, sure I’ve been electrocuted twice, gotten bit by a rabid dog, hunted squirrels (because if you don’t they will find you and eat you), and lost a limb or two but it was all worth it. You’ve shown me what life is truly about and how thankful I should’ve been before.

    25. Really… the only explanation about why you include so many Hyperbole and a Half posts is because she is one funny girl. I love her and live in anxiety waiting for her to finish working her magic and post new stories and awesome drawings!

      And anyone who doesn’t agree that she’s awesome shouldn’t really be reading your blog either … because they obviously have no sense of humor.

    26. I just thought you might like to know that you have single handedly managed to change my vocabulary. I now often say “True Story Y’all” (and I’m Australian, so it garners quite a few strange looks) and write very-long-sentences-with-lots-of-dashes-so-they-look-like-a-single-concept too. Although, obviously that’s my online vocabulary, I don’t actually do that out loud – not sure if you could actually, although having said that, I wouldn’t be surprised if you tried, just to prove me wrong. Anyway, thanks! At least now *I* know what I’m talking or writing about and get to giggle at myself even if others don’t and start walking down the opposite side of the street from me. You’re awesome. =)

    27. I can’t wait to read about your monkeys-and-explosions trip with Allie. All the awesomeness might destroy the universe, but it will be a worthy ending.

    28. I never tried to find my Christmas presents as a kid. Because I knew where my parents kept them. In the closet. Right next to the guns. And my parents would tell me that if I ever went near the guns ever I would wind up shooting myself and probably the cat and my brother and then if I survived the initial gunshot wound I would go to jail. And Santa doesn’t visit prison. Ever.
      The guns weren’t loaded so I don’t think I was ever in any real danger but the point is that I was officially terrified of ever snooping around ever for fear of killing everyone I loved. I was afraid of everything as a kid but I was also very well-behaved for the most part and I only needed a little therapy in my teenage years. So you’re obviously onto something when you say that fear is the best teacher.

    29. You can’t possibly know how much I enjoy your blog…. I have been enjoying you for months but I was diagnosed with breast cancer last Thursday at the tender age of 36 and I know the laughter you bring me each day is going to help me heal all the faster. You and Chuck Norris, baby… Curing cancer and fighting ninjas with your bare hands. Keep it coming.


    30. Your new column totally makes me wish I had small children at home. But, we have dogs. I am so going to try your parenting techniques on them. We are convinced that they totally understand everything they say anyway, so why not?

      Throw out the clicker training manual, move over Ceasar Milan, The Bloggess is in town.

    31. I seriously need to start shelling out for Cable again because PBS comes in fuzzy and it’s the closest thing I have to Animal Planet, which would never have let me forget that pythons don’t have venom!

      Love the updated “about me” page! Your cat is so helpful. Mine just tells me he’s seen better heads on a mug of beer and screams obscneities until I move out of his way so he can drink from the faucet. He’s kind of an ass that way.

    32. Okay I just read your post about vagina myths and it gave me the most fantasical (yes it’s a word, just check out some 50’s musicals) idea. I’m on my way to South Africa next week and I’m a bit nervous about the crime situation. I know those bastard criminals can steal everything your own. So you shouldn’t wear jewelry, carry a purse, or a camera, wear expensive trainers or even any clothes. Ok, I was lying about the clothes, those are ok. Sometimes. I think. So I’ve been wondering where to stash my car keys while I’m there since my options are kinda limited. Until now. Your suggestion for the upside-downy pockets is nothing short of brilliant. Thank you on behalf of weary travelers everywhere!

    33. Jenny,
      Did you seriously write that article about snake venom?? It was pure genius. Love you and love it! I have a two year old (threw a birthday party with 7 two year olds yesterday–let’s not talk about it) and have already started teaching him with your wonderful techniques. He’s going to be an amazing adult someday….

      Sarah (

    34. I also had a dream about you the other day, and I’m not too fond of the dream-you, either. She appears to make me retarded. In my dream we met in the street, and I took you home and gave you cake, and then I was gonna put on shoes. But I couldn’t get my left shoe on. And I tried and tried for the rest of the dream to get that fucking shoe on, and I. just. couldn’t! So I gave up, and walked around with my shoes halfway on. I would like to get my shoe-on-putting skills back, please!

    35. I want to go on the road trip with and Allie. I’ll even sit in the back the whole time and not complain about the music you choose. Except country. Or rap. So it’s all set! I’m coming with you!! YaY!! This is going to be GREAT!!
      PS: Do you mind if we go to New York for a couple of days so I can have surgery on Nov. 2nd? It’s already scheduled, so I can’t back out, plus it’s medically neccessary, not like plastic surgery or anything…well, it kind of is, if you count making my insides better.
      PPS: Can we swing by San Francisco and pick up Nicole The Intern cuz I think she’d be an asset on our road trip.
      PPPS: Can we avoid Florida cuz I’ve Sorta run into “legal difficulties” there, specifically South Florida.

    36. I hope you know Jenny, I don’t even -have- kids yet but your words of wisdom will follow me wherever I go.
      Hey! Do you have any tips on how to train significant others too??

    37. Every time I see your weekend wrap up, I think that you should take all the “stuff I did when I wasn’t here” pictures and put them all in a book. Like a picture album with the whole collection. Sell it for charity or something. The pictures you make every week are so creative. I love looking at them.

    38. New to this shit and I love it but my one complaint is you are only the third blog I have come across. I fear I may be a three blog kinda girl from now on. Ignorant in my knowledge that I have seen it all! Adore it…have linked it to my page (not sure about exactly what is ok or not ok yet, let me know if I have fucked up).

      Just a hoot. Me and my phlegm thank you.

    39. I love Kit, I’m guessing it’s your fault that I found her. fucker.

      Everytime I see your weekend wrap-up, it reminds me to helicopter my junk in the opposite direction than I have been for the previous week – it prevents wrinkles and I’ve spend enough money on fucking Oil of Olay for Penises.

    40. Re: Top 10 Myths about Vaginas: Vaginas are NOT shaped like a cursive “w.” They are shaped like a tube… because they are tubes! It’s the inside bit, where the dildo (or cock, if you’re lucky) goes in and the baby comes out. The outside “w” you can see is called a vulva.

    41. “And she says she likes it because it is comforting, but I like… bathe in there and stuff, you know? ”

      muahahah fucking hilarious. great response to her question to, miss thang.

    42. You should be proud. It’s horrifically wonderful.

      (Seriously, you know you’re brilliant when someone who lost their maternal instinct in a snowmobiling accident is excited to read your column about breastfeeding…)

    43. (bowing before the bloggess) – your python column was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time…looking forward to more.

    44. with every post of yours, i get closer to being unable to control the urge to bow at your feet & beg you to take me on as an intern. each one.

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