I’m sending him a men’s 2X though because I don’t even think the Pope could pull off a baby-doll cut.

I’m supposed to be writing my weekly wrap-up but I’m too sleepy so instead I just made a t-shirt to send to the Pope so that he’s aware that James Garfield needs to be named the Patron Saint of Accidental Miracles.

(PS. If you want one for yourself just click this picture.)

Then I went to look up the Pope’s mailing address and this popped up:

I'm sure that ad is just a coincidence.

Comment of the day: I’ll try to work up a nice ejaculation to Saint James Garfield. That’s always a good thing to have when you’re a saint. A good ejaculation. It’s just a short prayer that you can say in one breath. But it works like an ad slogan. I’m good with ejaculations.

Saint James Garfield Ejaculation:

“Lord, grant me a cheerful disposition, and if I’m still an asshole then freeze my lips in a smile like James Garfield of Accidental Miracles. Amen.”

Say it like you mean it. ~ Fred Miller

78 thoughts on “I’m sending him a men’s 2X though because I don’t even think the Pope could pull off a baby-doll cut.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh just send it to: The pope at the Vatican From : James Garfield I’m sure everyone knows about James Garfield already, they will know where to take the package!

  2. If the pope isn’t grateful for this gift, I’m going to stop sending him Candy Cane Grams for Christmas! They’re all going to Glen Coco.

  3. Can I get a shirt through Zazzle as well? I would love a reminder of James Garfield’s miracles! And, no, you are NOT going to hell for this. God loves laughter and James Garfield.

    Sure. Just click on the picture of the T-shirt design and it’ll take you to the store. No pressure though. No idea how well the t-shirts turn out. I’m ordering mine today. They may be horrible. Which would be fitting, actually. ~ Jenny

  4. I’m only throwing something up here because I don’t see any other comments. Don’t think Benedict will wear your shirt, but it’s almost certainly the first suggestion of sainthood by way of t-shirt message.

    Have always wondered: does James Garfield give off a foul odour?

    James Garfield has no odor at all but if you touch him he will shed all over you. ~ Jenny

  5. I think that’s a really good gift idea, because you know the Pope probably doesn’t have enough loungy-wear. He’s probably expected to kick back and watch TV in some heavy robe with a bunch of jewels that pinch in ungodly places.

  6. The unforgivable sin, as I recall, is blasphemy against the holy sprit. But since you’re clearly a holy spirit, I’d say you’re safe. (Unless God has no sense of humor.)

  7. Can you and you mad graphic skills and contacts to launch a new production of Jesus Christ Superstar where James Garfield plays every character? Now THAT would be a Christmas miracle. PS you should probably ask Julie Taymor to be the director. Make sure James Garfield doesn’t do his own stunts though.

  8. I’ll just bet Victor is regretting not getting James Garfield the companion wolverine. He could be living in a household with not one , but potentially two saints. Way to go Victor!

  9. I want that shirt. Badly. And I can totally pull off a baby doll. I ignore the baby belly pooch and the stretch marks and put the whole thing over a pair of three-sizes-too-small leggings and then go to walmart so people can post pictures of me on the web.

    No. I really don’t. But I’ve seen it done.

  10. I don’t personally know the Pope. However, I would think he’d just have to put James Garfield up for sainthood after the miracle he performed. Besides, I think that T-shirt along with his pointy hat wold make for a really edgy New Year’s Eve outfit.

  11. PS – I think the unforgivable sin is suicide since you can’t ask forgiveness from God. I mean, you can in person, I guess.

  12. I totally just bought that shirt and I can’t wait until people ask me what it means and I can just roll my eyes at their ignorance. Also I’ll be wearing it when I go to rome in the summer to see the Pope. I just hope he isn’t wearing his James Garfield shirt that day. That would be awkward.

  13. Sending stuff back to the Pope is easy. Just visit one of his many retail outlets and ask the store manager to send it in to the vatican with the Sunday takings.

  14. I don’t want the tee shirt; I’m just checking to see if you blocked my comment because I saw you mention that on Twitter and I thought it might be a test or reverse psychology.

    Or something like that.

  15. Um, Jenny? You were the conduit for the Great James Garfield Chris-Hannu-Kwan-Tivus Miracle of 2010. Pretty sure you can’t go to hell.

    And if you did, you’d organize some big backrub fest and everyone would ascend their karmic level a notch. Satan is totally not interested in letting that go down.

  16. Awesome…my comment linked to my sermon. About dead babies. That’s not awkward *at all.*

    I’m probably going to hell.

  17. I’ve been on twitter for about a year and heard about you through a great blogger, @kristysf. I haven’t kept up with anyone’s blogs but got pulled in via twitter over the holidays when your miracle work started (total awesomeness btw). So, I popped on here today and was like, “Oh, she’s writes for Houston?! I’m from just South of there… I need to check this out.” So then I was like, “I wonder if she looks like the pic on her blog?” And I did a google search and to make a long story short, here’s what I found: http://www.jenlawson.com/

    So, aside from all the other things I want to tell you, it’s probably good you don’t go by Jen!

  18. My mother-in-law just left for Rome to stay at her apartment for a month. It is so close to the Vatican she could hit it with a rock. Which she would never do, btw.

    I can ask her to deliver it for you.

  19. I not only witnessed the Miracle of James Garfield, but I was the recipient of a touch of his miracle-ness. Which I’m pretty sure “miracle-ness” is totally a real word.

  20. I *experienced* the miracle of James Garfield!

    If I had $$ I would totally buy one… the babydoll, no less. Cause I’m WAY cuter than the Pope. Obviously.

  21. Steps for Sainthood…..dead 5+years…uh, yeah. Died a heroic death….no doubt. Performed two miracles….uh, well Victor bought him, and that was a miracle. I think it’s a slam dunk.

  22. Go out of your house. Make a left at the first stop sign. There will be a crying baby. DO NOT PICK UP THE CRYING BABY. Its mother won’t take it back if she can smell you on it. Continue forward 40 meters; there will be a man selling puppies. Ask for the black puppy. He will give you an envelope; take it, tip him $5.

    Skip to your left until you come upon an old oak tree. Shout into the branches “THE BRITISH ARE COMING!” and throw the envelope at the tree. Run in the exact opposite direction.

    There will be a woman in a polka-dotted poncha there. Give her the T-shirt. She will know what to do.

  23. The Pope needs to get his image POPPING. I mean Pope-On-A-Rope Soap will only get you so far. He’d be a fool to pass on such an awesome accidental saint as JG! One can only hope the 2X isn’t too small…who knows how huge he might be under all that robeage?

  24. If you get a response – particularly a thank you note, it will be so marvelous. Here’s crossing our fingers.

  25. How long does it take for the sainthood thing to be finalized? My oldest is going through confirmation next year and he has to pick a personal saint. I am going to rally for James Garfield!!! If it will not be finalized in time, I have another child. Thank goodness I decided to have sex one more time after the fist one was born.

  26. I totally wish you were my best friend and lived next door. Because then half the crap that happens to me could be told to you and you would believe it because you would know you can’t make crap up like what happens to me – and you would be all like “Your FIL said that he believes God travels in a spaceship, and your MIL wants you to send her the kid’s hair so she can make hair art with it?” and then I would be all like “Hell yeah!” And then I would tell you about how one time she wanted to have a conversation with me about what the family poops were like and you would be like “she’s fucking crazy!” and I would be like “I know, right?!” and then we would laugh about it even more about it together than I do alone. And I would feel like I could share it with you b/c you would understand there are crazier people in the world than us, but not NEARLY as much fun.

  27. p.s. I am getting one of the shirts next paycheck. That will be MY Christmas miracle!

  28. Funny how the model shirt (you designed for the pope) is a woman’s tee… Heh heh heh, will I burn in hello if I’m picturing the pope as a drag queen? Think he’d go with a red wig? Curly or straight?

  29. james garfield’s sainthood is no laughing matter. In Puerto Rico, on CHRISTMAS EVE!, there was an earthquake. I honestly think it was the miracle of saint james grafield that protected me and my family (…or maybe we where to fucking-shitface drunk to really care about an earthquake going on) THE FOURTH MIRACLE!!!!

  30. James has to be dead at least five years before he can be canonized. You should put a crown on his head and little pigs feet pointed up in a “peace be with you” pose. That would totally get the Pope’s attention!

  31. I’ll try to work up a nice ejaculation to Saint James Garfield. That’s always a good thing to have when you’re a saint. A good ejaculation. It’s just a short prayer that you can say in one breath. But it works like an ad slogan. I’m good with ejaculations.

  32. Saint James Garfield Ejaculation:

    “Lord, grant me a cheerful disposition, and if I’m still an asshole then freeze my lips in a smile like James Garfield of Accidental Miracles. Amen.”

    Say it like you mean it.

  33. Okay, so the miracle? That’s exhibit A. In addtion, his tusks point towards the heavens. They are white and pure like drifted snow. He is smiling, and that very possibly means he wasn’t sinning when he died. And before he was murdered and made into a decoration, he was a beast, and beasts surrounded the baby Jesus upon His birth which means by very nature he is Holy.

    What more indication does Benny need that JG’s sainthood is not only deserving, but destined? NONE.

    If this doesn’t happen I will… continue to not be Catholic. In outrage.

  34. I was at the Vortex in Atlanta tonight and I think I have your third miracle. I saw James Garfield on the wall in the resturant and cleary he traveled there by himself. Miracle!

  35. “Pretty sure you can’t go to hell. And if you did, you’d organize some big backrub fest and everyone would ascend their karmic level a notch. Satan is totally not interested in letting that go down.” – Emmy

    AHEM. as Satan herself, i would just love to point out here that
    1. i’m not nearly as bad as those dickholes up in the clouds make me out to be,
    2. if ANYONE is interested in a large back-rubbing fest, i nominate my house to be the epicenter of such an event, and
    3. you’re totally right, there’s no way Jenny’s going to hell. it’s true.

    : ]

  36. Haha, that is a fabulous shirt! I was telling my mom this weekend about James Garfield’s Christmas miracle, and she wrote me an e-mail today telling me that she saw you on the CBC. Actually, she said she saw that blogging lady and her giant stuffed boar head on the CBC, so I’m only 85% sure it was you… it is Canada, after all.

  37. I think Pope Ben could rock a baby-doll cut under that robe. I also think he’s a realist, though — he probably draws the line at hot pants.

  38. You probably ought to send a selection of the shirts in different sizes to get all the Cardinals and Bishops on your side… or maybe make cupcakes with “Vote for James Garfield!” on them like he was running for Student Council…

  39. If you want to send the t-shirt to the Pope you can just drop it of at one of his many franchise outlets and just get one of his minions to overnight it to HQ. They generally hold a wine tasting with crackers each Sunday I think. So go then cos it’s an open bar.
    James Garfield is a shoe-in fore sainthood. His takings in one week probably exceded the average of anyone of the Popes franchise stores. It’s just good business to hire fresh tallent with game like that. At the very least he should get employee of the month.

  40. @Fred Miller
    Prayer. oooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo.
    Dude you are so right. I feel so much closer to god right now.

    Sorry Jenny. It had to be said. Delete at will.

  41. I’m feeling sick and gross. That is all. Also, the only thing my husband has thus far gleaned from this site is that you have a stuffed boar’s head, and he wants one too. Nothing about hobos, nothing about wigs. It’s like he doesn’t get who I am inside.

  42. You know how all the Saints have had terrible things happen to them and they become the Patron Saint of whatever…. I feel like St James Garfield’s story fits perfectly…. I mean he was beheaded and all… As the patron Saint of Accidental Christmas Miracles he could do wonderful things!

    I mean Catholics pray to St. Anthony when they lose things. They bury that St joseph upside down in their yards to sell their houses (you know about that one Jenny) Catholics could pray to St James Garfield that the Christmas tree doesn’t burn the *whole* house down or that the turkey isn’t too dry or even that Aunt Erma doesn’t make you wear that itchy sweater she bought you….. Catholics are awesome at praying for totally random ass things to random Saints and not God.

    The Pope should definately put his weight behind this and don a t-shirt! Especially since you are sending it for free…



  43. So, to become a saint James Garfield must:

    1. Be dead…Check
    2. 5 years must pass from time of death…Unknown
    3. There must be evidence of heroic virtue…Check
    4. Be venerable (a role model of Catholic virtues)….Hmmm
    5. Be responsible for a posthumous miracle…Oh wait….2 posthumous miracles…Please provide specific instances

    The Pope made an exception for Mother Teresa’s canonization (waived 5 year rule), perhaps other exceptions could be made for Mr. Garfield…

  44. Nice…

    You and J.G. have inspired me to start writing again, well doing a lot again… I’m enjoying reading your blog – it’s a refreshing dose of reality instead of generalized fluff.

    I’ll be FINALLY beginning my blog-bites for the up-coming year – something I’ve been asked (by a few friends) to do but never felt I could.

    Y’all have just proven to me… that with a bit of luck, some humor and just plain “get it done” a lot can be accomplished in a small amount of time.

  45. You should really send that shirt and a letter requesting the canonization of James Garfield to the Vatican, and then post any response you get here. It would be like David Thorne meets the Pope.

    P.S. I can’t help but think that John Paul would have been more receptive to this than Benedict. I am not sure why, but John Paul seemed like he would have appreciated dead boar humor. Or Peter. Stuffed dead boars were probably a novelty in the early CE, so why wouldn’t he appreciate it?

  46. You know, you should probably just address it to Peter. I bet there is a guy at the Vatican whose job is to read all the mail that crazy, delusional, and/or awesome people send to St. Peter. Maybe he has a sense of humor.

  47. Note to the Pope: This miracle is totally documented and witnessed by minions. Wait…do the minions work for the “other side”?

    PS You are right there with James Garfield. 🙂 Countless happy stories untold, but the smiles that must have been generated on Christmas morning.

  48. I want to order a James Garfield T shirt. Do I have to order it in 2X? please tell me how to do so. Thanks, Jenny with a heart.

  49. for Rosie @ #57, the DEVIL wears Prada…I believe the pope dons Dolce and Gabbana.

  50. Fred Miller’s comment made me laugh so hard that my cat fell off of the bed, which of course only made me laugh harder.
    The women’s tee is nice, but I bet a nice, husky boy’s tee would snap up a lot of attention in the Vatican.
    According to the Catholic Church I’m most assuredly going to hell, but Catholics believe everyone is. Shit, Catholics think THEY’RE going to hell.
    Anyone who is riddled with as much guilt and anxiety as I am obviously has a conscience…that’s got to count for something, right?

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