People keep asking me what my New Year’s resolutions are and I tell them that I don’t have any and then they get all pissy because they assume that I think I don’t need to change but it’s really just that I’m too bored with myself to invest any more time thinking about me, and also because “What are your new year’s resolutions?” is kind of code for “So tell me what you think is wrong with you.”
That’s why my new resolution for 2011 is to get into something so blatantly reprehensible that when 2012 comes I will have an obvious choice for what I need to give up next year and I won’t be sitting here trying to figure out which one of my many vices is the most obvious to everyone else. And then I’ll be all “This year I’m going to shoot up less heroin!” Or stop burning books. Or stop burning kittens. Or stop burning books about kittens. I haven’t really decided yet. Whichever thing seems more likely to have people remark about how brave I am, probably.
PS. You never realize how many terrible life-choices are in front of you until you think about how nice it will be to tell people you’ve given them up. This is probably why so many people are shooting up heroin right now.
PPS. OMG. I GOT IT. This year I vow to start shooting up kittens with heroin. It’s gonna be a brave, brave 2012.
UPDATED: As requested, I drew up some anti-kitten-heroin photocards that you could use to save money on birthday presents but no one bought any…
…so instead I made a whole different set of cards for people who want kittens to be on heroin…
But then it turns out that no one bought any of those either. Conclusion: Heroin-kitten awareness is at an all time low, probably because we don’t have a sexy spokesperson attached. Someone contact Neil Patrick Harris.
215 thoughts on “UPDATED: My new year’s resolution is to get you to stop asking me about my new year’s resolutions.”
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Heroin Kitties. That’s gonna be big.
My resolution is to make sure 2011 sucks less balls than 2010.
PS: I’m going to start a band just so that I can name it Heroin Kitties. Good news: You’re the lead singer. Get ready.
Happy New Year, Jenny. 🙂
try to not off myself
My resolution: To buy the Heroin Kitten’s tee shirt and CD when they go on tour!!!
I’m with you on this one. My New Year’s Resolution is to be a workaholic. That way, next year I can be less of a workaholic. These choices may happen to coincide with the amount of debt I currently have and the anticipated less debt of next year. Whatever. 2011 – I am going to show you what’s what. 2012 – who the fuck knows?
I Love It. Bob…. watch out!!
I resolved to eat more bacon and chocolate.
Little junkie kittens. I am appalled.
Well played, Jenny.
Maybe you should take up only speaking in belches. Although, you’d probably make a lot of new friends who are 7-year-old boys.
You can do it, but– your goal must be SMART: (S)pecific–Breed or mixed/abandoned kittens? (M)easurable–How many kittens? How much heroin per kitten? (A)chievable–what obstacles stand between you and the kittens. Can you shoot them up with heroin as well? (R)ealistic–Know what the kitten-birth seasonal peaks are and don’t expect yourself to do much shooting up in the off-season. And finally (T)imely–how many kittens can you shoot up in a day? Do you plan to break for the Sabbath? What about vacations?
I have faith in you.
It’s a brilliant plan.
My 2012 resolution: Stop stealing children’s teddy bears.
Poor kittens …. we need to be brave for the kitties.
This year, I wanted an attainable goal, so I resolved not to eat any food whose name contains the letter “x”. Four days in, and so far so good.
and here… I came up with 11 vows for 2011… but they all pertain to fitness, and stuff that I started in 2010.. Wait.. do they count if I already started them? Crap.. Maybe i need some new resolutions… Can I borrow yours??
I don’t have a real resolution either but I’m pretty sure you should leave those kittens alone.
Teh Black Tar Kittehs!
Nazi penis injections.
It could either be the thing you’re going to resolve to do more of, or the thing you’re going to resolve to do less of. That’s the magic of Nazi penis injections.
I don’t have resolutions, I have yearly goals. So I will have to add a goal to help you shoot up these kittens now. Because that sounds fun! And their claws may tear up your hands a lot, so we can take turns, this way we get good pictures. *nods* 😉
Jenny – If you shoot up the kittehs with heroin, and I inject mice with nitroglycerin, we could have a great big load of fun! Also, make a real mess.
I’m going to work on be “vaguely on time” more often.
Those poor little heroin addicted kitties. So sad.
I’m also going to take more time proofreading my blogs, blog posts, and tweets. And I claim to be an English teacher.
I am giving up celibacy, prohibition, abstienence, and dieting for this year. As I do every year.
*falls off chair laughing*
So by October we’ll be carrying out interventions on kitties? Cool.
Brilliant. One year I resolved to try to eat without getting food in my hair.. but you’ve given me the courage to dream bigger.
This year I resolve to stop selling heroine to cat owners. I’ll sell it to book burners instead. I’m going to save the world.
Oh. By the way. I am giving up speaking Portuguese for the New Year.
My resolution is to not put razor blades in Halloween candy. This works because (a) it’s a resolution I only have to worry about one day out of the year and (b) no one actually does that. Do they?
Dude…Peta is gonna have a FIELD DAY with this one. If you need sanctuary, I bet Taco Bell will let you hide out in the back room. After all, you are the best press their Chalupa has gotten since the early 2000’s.
I shant make ONE new years resolution…which kinda seems like a New Years Resolution disguised as being vigilante-like…but I assure you it’s out of sure laziness.
Also – how DELICIOUS is the Taco Bell nacho squirty cheese?!?!?!?!?!?! Damn…
I love you. I really do. You can ask ANYONE! ~ Love, Carm
You could always do what I do. Just tell people that you made a resolution to not make any more New Year’s resolutions, and you’re confident you’ll be able to keep it. I’ve been keeping mine for about 10 years now, best resolution ever!
This year instead of working on myself I resolve to make the rest of you fuckers be more accepting of me as I already am.
Just leave some room for methadone kitten withdrawal in early 2012 — don’t vow to take them off cold turkey. As for me, I might have stop supporting kitten junkie enablers as part of my resolution (again). There’s too many of you as it is.
I will be setting up the world’s first rehab clinics for kittens in 2012.
I think we should form an underground society for the shooting up the kittens with heroin, so that not only can we quit giving kittens drugs in 2012, we can also quit a gang. I mean, It takes a lot of courage to quit a gang, especially one as diabolical as ours.
“heroin kittens”…loosely translated is also “Dope Pussy” I love the english language
Why is it so wrong to think you are good enough as you are? Odd that we think that is a “vain” state of mind to be in when it’s what we all strive for. Also, kitties don’t need heroin they need valium. FYI.
You should throw the heroin induced kittens at orphaned babies while screaming that it’s the only way to rid the world of gay minorities. That way you’ll be fighting homophobia, racism, heroin addiction, insanity and child/animal abuse all at once. I don’t see how that plan could possibly go wrong.
I vote we put Keri Stevens in charge!
I don’t believe in resolutions. I also believe in setting the bar low. As a result, I resolved to stay alive through January 3rd. Yesterday I succeeded so I’m done for the year. I’m going to try to achieve a little less each day. It’s going to be a great year!
We’ve seen what happens when you summon the miracle-bestowing powers of your community. How about for next year’s Bloggess Miracle you get those people who continue chirping “Happy New Year!” well into the month of January to stop doing that. Because really, enough already with the happiness and cheer.
That’s exactly the medicine of choice after a crap start to the year. (not the kitten…. )
Many thanks Blogess. mine at the moment is to not give a shit….
I don’t have any resolutions but I did briefly consider turning over a new marijuana left but then I smoked it instead which actually works out much better for all of us. Im far less violent when Im high.
I like the heroin kitty idea, thebastardcat is seriously out of control. However….if you’re injecting heroin may I make a suggestion? Bacon. Inject heroin into bacon and the entire world will thank you for it. I know I fucking would.
I’m putting on my Kitten outfit and I will be right over. I need another vice.
I’m busy developing a 108 step plan (12 steps X 9 lives) for AKA (Addicted Kittens Anonymous)…not easy…
I think I’ll use “shoot up fewer kittens with heroin” as a goal on my work performance appraisal. it’s relevant – I’m a nurse.
Don’t bother shooting each kitten up with heroin. If we all just change our Facebook profile pics to kittens holding hypodermic needles, it’ll all be magically done!
i think you have found a niche market for your heroin kitties:
stuffed animals that resemble BRATZ dolls
“hang in there, baby” posters that have adorable kittens hanging on by claws to a syringe….
so, you have less than one year to make an obscene amount of money on this….get busy, Jenny…
Yeah, new years resolutions are usually about focusing on what you hate about yourself the most and idealising an action plan. Its like a very judgmental national holiday that targets our fears and insecurities. It would be much nicer if we could use this occasion to reflect on things we like about ourselves as a springboard to the new year. Go in with a positive feeling. Jenny. I am happy to take you as you come. I impose no expectations on you. God, wouldn’t that feel good. No pressure to live up to the standards that others would measure and judge you by.
Just make sure you burn the kittens after you’re done with them or people will think you’ve gone soft.
Will there be tiny little monkeys on the addict kitties’ backs? Pretty please? Would make a great Christmas card.
Look, as long as you don’t start killing kittens READING books. Those suckers are dangers. A learned kitten is a bad kitten. I finally got mine to stop reading the Twilight series. If I have to hear about Edward one more time…
That will be a lot of cats that will end up going on Intervention before the year is over! Picture it: They will do the documentary …which is a lot of sleeping, being injected, eating, purring, playing, hiding, biting, scratching, etc. THEN… it comes down to the time to talk to the doctor!
Dr. Seuss: How did you come about becoming a heroin addict?
Cat #1: Meow. Meow?
Dr. Seuss, to the cat’s family members: He said he didn’t do it.
[They go through the whole process of cat family members telling him that he has to go to rehab or else.]
Dr. Seuss to the cat: What will it be?
Cat #1: The lady said she’ll shop shooting me up in 2012. It’s one day away.
This year my New Years Resolution is to lose weight. So that next year’s New Years Resolution is to dress less skanky. And depending on how well things go, be less of a whore, skinny bitch or chain smoker.
That gives me two years of brave resolutions, right?
DO NOT waste the heroin on the kitties; they are undeserving. Save it for me please. I have many, many conferences calls which beg for heroin. TY.
When people ask me what my New Year’s Resolutions are I tell them that I can’t make any without breaking one I made years ago to never, ever make New Year’s Resolutions again. That seems to hold ’em long enough for me to change the subject.
better that you give heroin to the kitties than that you should feed them chalupas from Taco Bell. Because I’m pretty sure the chalupas are made with kitty meat already and that would mean you’re turning cats into cannibals. And that’s just MEAN.
Surely you need to vow to start shooting up flaming kittens with heroin, or maybe shooting up kittens with flaming heroin. Either way be sure to keep fire in there as something to give up later.
that’s just like my resolution, except mine has more jazz hands, caramel corn, and Tom Berenger’s butt crack.
Makes sense. Cats are wild about catnip, which is basically what, feline marijuana?
And don’t they claim marijuana is a gateway drug?
Therefore…. heroin is a logical next step in a kitten addiction cycle.
Who cares? Aren’t we all supposed to die in 2012 anyway? I say do the heroin with no intentions of needing to give it up because we’ll all be dead. Or maybe the heroin will make you immune to the whole “sun melting the earth” thing and you’ll be the only survivor…addicted to heroin with no one to get it from.
Heroin kittens…it was so obvious.
@Idofuel – perhaps, instead of dope, you could us the earlier slang term for heroin: Smack. Try it. I think it has an interesting ring to it.
I resolve to start a halfway house for heroine addicted kittahs. It’s gonna be DOPE, yo.
You resolve not to resolve. That’ll work.
My 2011 Resolution: Poop in Peace. With two young boys, this is going to be nearly impossible. So far, I am 0 for 4!
I resolve to slap the shit out of the next asshole who asks me how my holidays were. Get happy with me, and get your undies full of poo.
My 2011 Resolutions: To listen more and not to die in a prison riot.
What I did is just make a bunch of resolutions for everyone else because we all know there’s no way I’m keeping any resolution I make for myself. So maybe you can tell all of those judgy people that you made one for THEM because you’re giving and thoughtful like that.
Then they’ll probably leave you alone. Maybe for good because you’ve offended them. Is this so bad? I don’t think so.
Also, you gave up adopting kittens with normal feet. I think that counts.
I resolve to accept myself just the way I am, and stop stressing about changing things just for the sake of a new year.
Great. Now you’re just link-baiting us with heroin-shooting-kittens for SEO purposes. Frankly, I didn’t think you’d stoop to this kind of thing.
It’s all very heroic of you. Move over Obama, Nobel Peace Prize here you come!
I can’t stand resolutions. I can’t stand them because i think we should always want to improve ourselves any time of the year. I get the whole New Year, new leaf thing and I think it’s great to have anything to make people want to improve themselves. I just think more people set ridiculous goals and get caugth up in this hype that they just forget all about in a short period of time. I think resolutions have lost the whole point.
Kittens and herion wouldn’t be far off from some of the outrageousness that resolutions create. I have to agree too. People become very intrusive about your life when they start asking what you’re going to give up and then they get judgemental, as if your choice isn’t good enough.
We’ll all laugh about it until Kitten Vicious stabs Kitten Nancy and then the fun will be over, people.
On New Year’s Eve I told my friends that my only resolution was to cut off the opposable thumbs of anyone who asks me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
I say you should stop burning books that are made from kittens. Or, better yet, written by kittens. Because we all have a story to tell. Even if it is a short and super boring one.
ha ha. Gretchen in comment 71 says you are a heroine…
Well as long as it isn’t puppies…
You totally made me laugh out loud. And I’m in public. So now I’m the crazy lady that people watch from a safe distance. Nice.
KIttens on Horse.
I was never really into resolutions at all, but one year when I was about fourteen or so, my sister and I were reading the comics in the Sunday paper and a comic called Rhymes with Orange was about how experts make New Year’s Resolutions. Their solution was that instead of picking something like “I will lose 50 pounds in 2010,” you should make the easy to win resolution “I vow to eat less pineapple this year.” My sister and I did not eat much pineapple so we decided to follow suit and make that our resolution. And then somehow that year we discovered fresh pineapple and ate more pineapple than in all our previous years combined. I seriously probably ate like at least ten, maybe fifteen, whole pineapples that year. And then at the end of the year, I was like WTF happened??? I picked a resolution that was DESIGNED FOR SUCCESS. How could I possibly fail?
So now I make resolutions like “eat more butter this year.” Sadly, it has never been as successful as the year of less pineapple.
Maybe you could stop heroin kittens from eating babies? Then it could be like a resolution AND a good deed. Two for one, yo.
This year Ive made it my goal to keep Betty White out of the grips of the grim reaper.
Update: I just got back from passing out at the auto repair shop where I got a bill for $972.82. If you could rush that heroin bacon that would be really tits.
Speaking of tits, I did notice the strip club down the street has Amateur night every Wednesday. I cant decide if that is ironic or if it’s fate.
Holy crap that’s hilarious. I just did a serious piece about New Year’s resolutions for the Foster City Patch, and I’m realizing it could have been so much better!
Ok, you have to stay th’ HELL away from my cats! But can I come visit?
Seriously I always tell people that new years resolutions are against my religion. That generally makes them look at me like I have two heads, but it beats introspection.
If I’m going to give up something I do it for Lent. That’s how I gave up nail biting.
Let’s forward this blog to PETA and see what they say about it. I’m guessing that since it’s PETA, and they’re fucking ridiculous, they’ll have eleventy bajillion coronaries. And probably come out against you.
AND THEN YOU CAN SIC AN ARMY OF HEROIN KITTENS ON PETA!!!! Win.
Wait, I just got distracted by the thought of having an army of heroin kittens. Yes. Except you should probably think much larger and make them tigers. With jeweled collars like in that 80s movie with Madonna. But with better clothes and more heroin.
Just do what I’m doing this year. I tell everyone that my new year’s resolution is to quit talking to people who piss me off. Then I walk away.
And I will totally be a Heroin Kitties groupie. I give blow jobs. But only on the tour bus.
I should elaborate. That was in regards to the first couple comments about making a band called the Heroin Kitties. I do not give cats blow jobs. Although I’ve never been asked…..
I resolved to gain 20 pounds in 2011.
Mine is to be as awesome as you. Oh and maybe to never make a new year’s resolution ever again. Yeah, I like that.
Some of us shoot up heroin because we *really like heroin.*
Don’t pigeonhole us, babe.
my last blog says precisely how i feel about new year’s resolutions.
My resolutions, made for the first time ever-packaged fresh for 2011, include re-watching every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and to quit taunting people that end every sentence with three exclamation points. It’s time to just realize they’re stupid and deserve our pity.
I’m gonna get a new start on all my old bad habits.
Oh my gosh, now you HAVE to make a Heroin Kitty t-shirt for your store, with a really skinny cat on it called Twiggy!
Resolutions are for people addicted to failure, at least in my experience. This year I am hoping to be able to sit still long enough to learn how to crochet. I want to make a hat… maybe for those heroin addicted kitties.
Best resolution I’ve heard!
For my part, I’ll just resolve to not have any resolutions to fulfill this year, so that would make it a complete year before it even starts. Saves time, don’t you think? That way, I can start next year by resolving on keeping the year resolved, so by the end of it I’ll know it to be a fruitful year as well.
you can’t be reprehensible.
james garfield is up for sainthood, and you *KNOW* that future saints don’t hang with gangstas.
@pamela dayton time: No, it’s perfect! She can shoot up the kittens with heroin, and then when she reforms in 2012, James Garfield can be credited, and get ANOTHER miracle to add to his sainthood resume! And how can the pope deny sainthood to the err…boar? who prevented kittens from being heroin addicts? Saving kittens counts for like ten miracles.
New years resolutions are for pussy’s. Introspection is over-rated I’m sure. Eat more, exercise less, drink more booze. That’s what I say.
As requested: http://www.zazzle.com/im_against_kittens_on_heroin_photocard-243326950741964410?rf=238233029691800410
I’m all for this plan. The only thing I’m wondering about is how you propose to support the kittens with this new addiction? I mean, they will inevitably grow up become so addicted that they abandon their families and knock up strange cats in back allies, or there will be nasty whorish cats with fishnets and red lipstick that are consistently popping out kittens, and then the whole hot mess will become a bigger drain on our economy.
So basically your new years resolution is to further destroy the American economy. Good game, Stalin.
Nice card. Missing the “tiny little monkeys”.
Addendum for you:
“PPPS. This year I vow to start shooting up burning kittens reading books with heroin.”
That should cover you through 2014 at LEAST.
Shooting up kittens with heroin? Thats SOOO 2010. (^_^)
I promise to adopt one of the heroin addicted kitties and make watch ‘kitten party’ so that it wishes it was back on heroin.
‘Kitten Party’ is an actual horrible dvd my husband rented to be funny of just kittens playing around. I was disappointed because I thought it would be porn.
OK, so actually all this time I have been snorting various liquids out of my nasal passages while reading the Bloggess et al, I have actually finished my Master’s degree and am a Nurse Practitioner and can now prescribe kitty heroin. I think. Wait. Should probably check with the DEA. No, actually, I think its kitty methadone I can do for you. SO. We can get you off the kittycrank with a clean needle exchange and then, assuming we don’t have any new strains of influenza libropussomenophaelas or some crap like that to save the multiverse from, you can go back to the Judy Garland Trail mix and a nice nap and all will be (mostly, ok, somewhat, ok maybe probably) right with the world. Umm, sorry, which way to the ladies room? Thanks. Mean it.
Oh, wait, are there kittehs in my inbox? Like heroin lolcats with the munchies that might not haz cheezburgers and shit? Cuz I gotta make a run to Target if I just inadvertently adopted some smackass lolcats with the fucking munchies. They bettah have a direct line to a clinic, yo? Or at least an all-nite drive thru.
The band name “Heroin Kitties” is good, but I am naming my band “Hot Pagan Thunderpussy”. It has an elegant ring to it, I think. We’d be the kind of band that has sex with the kind of people who shoot kitties up with heroin, but they are ashamed to have us meet their parents.
Here’s the deal. By the time 2012 rolls around and you’ve accomplished a year’s worth of injecting the world’s most addictive opiate into the veins of kittens, *I* will have finished the hellish coursework to become a Chemical Dependency Professional (whose last name is Weed, by the by). Anyway, what I’m thinking is that I’ve got you covered for ’13 as well. See, I will open the nation’s first methadone clinic for cats and you can send me your victims one by one I will straighten. those. kitties. up. and where once, in ’12, you were eliciting remarks of bravery for giving up your Heroin by proxy addiction now you’ll now have people commenting left and right about your dedicated service to those little felines and how much you’re changing the world, and then you’ll be on Oprah and she’ll be like “You’re the cat savior.”. And then you’ll get a building named after you at a community college. Because that’s what happens to heroes.
Plus when you go to the pharmacy to buy syringes you can say it’s for your kitten’s insulin instead of your grandma’s insulin. Which is actually a more plausible scenario. Word of advise: just don’t ask for a “ten pack” of syringes for your kitten’s insulin. That’s a sure sign it’s being used for heroin. And if the pharmacist asks what type of insulin you’re using just say regular. If it’s for your cat just say you’re injecting 2 units. Also, if the pharmacist asks you what size insulin syringes PLEASE don’t say 10mL 21 gauge. That NEVER works.
Hopefully this advise helps you accomplish your New Year’s resolution.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Pharmacist
I’m resolving to teach myself how to fart because I have 6 year old twin boys and I need to do something or self defense.
Jenny, this isn’t gonna work. Everyone knows with kittens, you use meth.
An even easier resolution for 2011, of course, is to not start shooting kitties up with heroin.
Your sounding more like the dearly departed Nancy W. Kappas on a daily basis. Jen, we love you, and admit to certain levels of hero worship ourselves, but Aunt Nancy should be worshipped not copied (unless it be with trail mix, trail mix was a brilliant invention) or ever tried to be one-upped. Good luck with your true resolution whatever it may be..
Jenny this has nothing to do with Heroin Kitties but I thought you would love this:
I didn’t write it FYI though I wish I did.
Didn’t you want to also shave kittens and use them as roaming billboards? So what’s with the smack? Is this some sort of attempt to emulate Calvin Klein ads?
Thank god for you! My go-to resolution used to always be “quit smoking,” then I finally did, and now I have no resolution to get people off my back. BUT NOW, my resolution is that whenever anyone asks what my resolution is, I’m going to break into hysterical tears and scream “WHY MUST YOU JUDGE ME???” as I run from the room.
This is the year I quit shitting on the neighbors’ porches, hitting the doorbell, and running away. Let’s see if I make it to February.
Make no mistake, this kind of irreverence is difficult to pull off with efficacy. Your ability to combine a free flowing stream-of-consciousness style and still maintain some semblance of grammatical correctness is a skill unmatched.
…he he he… I said EFFicacy…
Stop shooting up kittens with heroin and then filming really really sleazy snuff films?
HAHA! This is why I love your blog. I posted on my blog about my disdain for resolutions and how pointless I think they are: http://johnsintellectualgobbledygook.blogspot.com/2010/12/unresolved.html
Also, I regret to inform you that you have been dethroned as my favorite website on the Interwebs… Seriously. This is unflappably hilarious: http://www.jamesvandermemes.com
I love it. In the spirit of both this entry and the great Eddie Izzard, I resolve in 2011 to poke badgers with spoons.
Happy New Year!
Kittens inspired by kittens.
If you haven’t seen this, you must be living in the middle of nowhere, under a rock, in a cave.
I hate New Year’s resolutions. They never work out, and send me into a shame-spiral, and I don’t need that right now.
So this year my resolution is to get better at Geometry. Then maybe I can change that shame-spiral into a shame-parallelogram or something.
@Alison I had never seen this…until now. the screeching is making me feel like i’m being stabbed in the eyes. but thanks.
You have shown me the error of my ways– I have been going about the resolution thing all wrong. I’m sorry. I will make a more active effort to mess things up in odd years, so that I can resolve to clean things up in even years, from here on out!
Why didn’t I think of this before? It’s apparent my children have been inacting this routine for quite a while now…
*adorable furry orange Tabby with a needle*
says “I promise u will get yo money 2morrow”
The visual is great in my head………………. thanks
I’m waiting until May to make resolutions. None of them will have anything to do with procrastination….
I can has speedball?
“…shooting up kittens with heroin…” melted over burning books?
I’m gonna stop discarding my unborn fetuses on the dumpster behind walmart and then calling the cops and telling them ” hey, there’s an unborn fetus behind wal mart!” and they’re gonna be all ” OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOT AGAIN!!” and i’m gonna be all “yeah…”
Also, i should stop drinking. Maybe i should do that first.
And really if there’s something wrong with you that you want to change, you shouldn’t have to wait for a new year to begin to start working on it. OH SNAP!
We really want to reach our goals this year so, gain weight and get even more out of shape should shut everyone up.
A good resolution is to keep doing something you’re already doing.
“I resolve to continue to resist the temptation to stab ______ (enter your most imagined target) with a ____ (the thrusting weapon least traceable to you) and bury them in ______ (the stop you’ve already imagined burying them at) for the duration of 2011.
You could get lucky and somebody else will do it for you, or you could opt to renew in 2012.
If you get caught, man up bitch. Plea bargains are for pussies.
The kitties started shooting up worrying if you were going to turn them into gloves, like you did with the puppies.
What’s sad is that I don’t WANT to buy those “hugs not drugs” for kittens card… but it’s like I just can’t say no. Is it wrong to give it as an anniversary present? LET’S FIND OUT!
I think I heard that the Heroin Kittens will be playing later this year in Denver.
Also I am with emmysuh- I am giving up prohibition, at least!
I will be seeing how often I can use the phrase heroin kitties in normal, everyday conversation!
huh. i thought kittehs preferred crack. Then again i am a puppy salvia chews kinda gal.
You’re free to borrow my single resolution which i have met with success year after year : DO NOT DIE.
Rockon in 2011.
Oh. My. God.
This is fucking brilliant! I’m going to shoot up kittens with heroin too so that next year no one will tell me I should quit smoking as my new years resolution! Awesome.
I’m going to collect every single Heroin Kitties release, including b-sides and demos, and (I’m not proud) unreleased-but-bootlegged alternate versions. Plus, I wanna t-shirt.
ps, I may not listen to the albums….
OK, so I made a list of 24 new year’s resolutions solely because it was my first ever New Year’s post on my blog and I just figured it would be the right thing to do. But I made it easy for myself by putting NY resolutions that I totally know I’m gonna blow. Because then there really isn’t any pressure on me to try to do good.
Need an example? I vowed not to call our dog, Quincy, a vile filthy mongrel anymore, even though he is one. And there’s no way I can keep that, because let’s face it, a filthy, smelly, drooly, azalea ripper outter type of dog just *is* a vile filthy mongrel.
The only one I wish I could make come true and keep is the one where everyone must call me Her Royal Highness, Princess Carolyn. If they don’t call me that, I’m not supposed to answer. That’s the only one I wish I could make official and have it work out. Sigh. Maybe next year.
I can haz abscess?
(I’m sorry. I can’t stop.)
The problem you have with no one buying the cards is that the kitten is too cute.
You need to have a strung out cat’s picture on the card, like Courtney Love or something.
Why can’t the New Year’s Resolutions be to sleep and eat?
Now those I’m pretty sure I can stick to without a guilty conscience!
I was going to add – and not kill my children… but that one might be harder to stick to than the others…
You would have trouble with that one too if you knew my kids!
So I will eat and sleep this year… Wow! as long as I don’t become and insomniac anorexic I’m good to go!
I can think of two reasons they are not selling. The first is this is a very bad time of year to sell greeting cards and the second is people mistaking heroine kittens for heroin kittens. The first being brave and cute and the second sounding like a fashion model.
My resolution is to stay alive this year.
It is completely unrelated, but just in case you HADN’T seen it (which would be a complete travesty) I felt I should link its amazing-ocity. I thought of it, and then you, namely because I received a fushigi ball in the mail today. You know, those crystal ball things Bowie twirls at Sarah in The Labyrinth? Yeah. Basically what I’m telling you is that shiny balls make me think of you, but saying shiny balls then makes me think of the phrase polished knob. Then its all kinds of perverted. Which also makes me think of you. Damnit, Jenny. <3
I wonder if you could get @wilw to be the spokesperson. He did have a unicorn Pegasus kitten.
Mmmmmm Neil Patrick Harris.
George Bush Does not like Heroin Kittens.
Lent is like a mini-New Year you can practice on. Ash Wednesday is March 9. I usually give up gay male porn.
Thank you Jenny for giving me my new response to the resolution question;
Why? Do you think that there is something wrong with me?
So far it leaves them speachless. (hopefully, no one will see it as an opportunity to list my flaws)
I asked my mother to order me a dozen of the against kittens with heroin ones but she said it was rediculous and that I didnt need it. It was a sad day.
Someone suggested getting PETA in on this. RUN FAR, RUN FAST.
Remember a couple of years ago when PETA launched a campaign aimed at kids to start — they were dead serious — calling fish “sea kittens”? I reiterate: They weren’t kidding.
Personally, I think we could do more with the angle that the kittens born with extra toes are the ones most at risk for heroin use. It’s the very trait that makes them special that also leads them to ruin. I see a Lifetime movie coming.
I cant believe there’s not enough awareness for kitties on heroin.
Also, I love your blog. its funny 😀
New years resolution: go look at a picture of a cat on heroin.
Um… “heroin”, not “heroine”. I’m tired… a lot.
Jenny, can I put one of your kitten cards up as my facebook picture?
I think it might help awareness. Also I am aware I can put more than one sentence in a comment I just got a little befuddled, sorry.
And Neil Patrick Harris would do it too!
I want to buy one of each of those cards but I only have cash and I don’t have a credit card or anything. Actually, I think I’d buy more than one of each. I’d buy a thousand. And give them to everyone I meet ever.
I just read a story about a woman who got busted in Austin for trying to sell marijuana through Craigslist. So if you’re looking for kitties to shoot up, I wouldn’t start there.
It’s kittens shooting up heroin? Or it’s heroin made out of kittens that kittens are shooting up?
I’m so confused. I’m going back to bed.
What about kittens on crack? Because I’m pretty sure we have a crack whore kitten in the alley out back. I’m not 100% positive…..
You’re my hero.
PS – you should get a Facebook “like” button for your posts. That way you save us, your adoring fans, the trouble of a) getting the cursor to the address bar, b) selecting the whole dang link, 3) copying the whole dand link, z) opening a new tab (because seriously, who opens new windows when you could have tabs), 45) pulling up facebook, ff) pasting the link into their status. I mean, unless you LIKE knowing that we go through all this trouble for you. Kind of a like paying dues to our mob master. Or something. Clearly I have no idea how mobs operate. They probably don’t even call themselves mobs anymore, or require dues. Just heroin for their kittens.
You have answered a long burning question/mystery at my house. I have a black mitten-kitten (She’s a total asshole) and MISSING little-white-happymaking-crazy pills.
THAT THUMBED BITCH IS TAKING MY PILLS!!!!!
Why is James Garfield, Saint-in-Waiting, not pictured hovering over the kitten’s shoulder? You’d think he’d have something poignant to contribute. Considering.
Just an update on the kitten-heroin cards. 10 cards FOR kitten-heroin have been sold in the north. 10 cards AGAINST kitten-heroin have been sold in the south. Thus begins the civil war.
I have contact Neil Patrick Harris for you. You’re welcome.
Although it’s been an hour and he hasn’t responded. He obviously doesn’t care about those poor heroin kittens.
(Does Twitter count)
I don’t remember, did you ever pick a name for Bob Barker Anderson Cooper? Or maybe you call him all four names just like I typed them? That would be my choice.
On pins and needles,
Marissa Breanna Chacon Brown
Anderson Cooper was out of the running when he brought on Kirk Cameron to ask if God killed all those birds. Bob Barker just doesn’t fit. I think he’s going to be Paulie Six-Toes. He answers to it and seems very mob-bossy.
I think you need some kind of tragic charity-case style story to go with the first card. You know, the true story of a smacked-up kitteh, or something…
in the resolution category, i’m all for the do-able and seem unable to not make one, so i stole one of my friend’s: i resolve not to kill a busload of nuns driving drunk in 2011.
i like the grammatical ambiguity in that resolution. if i were driving drunk and happened to kill a busload of nuns, i could say, “actually i resolved to not kill a busload of nuns *who were* driving drunk in 2011, and the highway patrol tells me these definitely were sober.” or i’d make the highway patrol prove that *all* of them were drunk. or that the bus was actually loaded, with no empty seats. or that there were all fully-vowed nuns in there, not even a single novitiate or wannabe or whatever.
i think it’s do-able. at least in 2011. in 2012, i may have to resolve the opposite (with 2012 in it, not 2011, obviously) to appease the asshole gods who are planning to end the world before 2013 arrives. ’cause (presumably) virgin blood sacrifices might help. just sayin’.
I’m waiting until I get paid. Then, I am making some serious investments in these bitches!
Oh the humanity. LOL.
Aw, you can’t blame Anderson Cooper for having Kirk Cameron on his show. The rules of journalism require that you have a celebrity comment on every news story and Kirk had a movie to plug! I guess Snooki was still too hung over from New Years.
Don’t sweat it, Jen. Not every product offering can be a winner. You have many others and your blog is a reliable draw, so don’t despair. It’s not like you put all your eggs in the “New Coke” basket. Do you remember “New Coke”? No? ‘zackley.
wait… I’m confused. Do you inject Nazis in the penis, or do Nazis inject YOUR penis. Of course I’m not sure I want to know the answer.
I have a polydactyl cat. We tried to do an intervention, but he just kept saying the same thing…”Meow.” Then my daughter puked on herself…out of sadness, I think really. Or due to the fact she’s 3 months old and I didn’t burp her correctly. Either way the the whole things just sad.
Forget New Year’s resolutions for yourself, since you don’t want to spend time being introspective anyway. I say you make New Year’s resolutions for everyone around you. It’s a service no one knows they needed and one they’ll probably be resentful about. But what the hell, you’re doing them a service. See I’ve started this new revolution for you by giving you your New Year’s resolution…Your welcome.
Paulie the Toe/Paulie Six-Toes … LOL!!! What a great couple of Mob names!! Right up there with Paco the Guppy and Big Pussy!!!
Let’s start a band: The Heroin Kitties. It won’t involved heroin or kitties so it will be ironic. Because of that, you will have to wear giant grandpa glasses though. And maybe a hat, either a porkpie or a top hat. Although one of your wigs might work. Not a fedora because they are so not ironic, merely head covering.
Don’t be concerned if you lack musical talent. Not required. Only irony. Lots and lots of irony. And grandpa glasses.
Neil Patrick is perfect and Joss Whedon MUST direct this PSA. I’m crying already. Whether it is because I’m so moved that it is all I can do to keep from emptying my bank account to help the addicted kitties or because I peed my pants laughing at the notion, I’ll never tell.
Another handy answer to the “how-will-you-improve-yourself” question is to flip it to the political, i.e.: “I plan on devoting several hours each day to getting the Supreme Court to reverse the Citizens United ruling that has allowed the giant multinational corporations to gain control of the Congress. Did you know that $195 million was donated by hedge funds to the Republican who’s going to be in charge of regulating hedge funds?”
Then stand their silently and observe the look on your tormentor’s face.
Sigh. I mean there.
Since you’ve started a civil war, I think 2012 is going to be easy: “I vow to NOT start any civil war this year.”
I’ve often suspected kittens of being racist and evil, but cute evil. Undeniably cute evil. You know that’s how we were going to be communism with cute lab puppy spys!! It’s true look it up.
I think the important thing we can learn from this post is that you missed your calling as a professional spokesperson chooser.
Jason resolved to eat no foods with an X in them. Why is he hating on Twix? I had an actual comment, but on the way here I was so distracted by that. Can you DO something about this? I mean Jason needs to know that this is a terrible, terrible resolution. What about Kix cereal? What about…….Chex cereal? That’s an ingredient in that bar mix stuff. OMG he can’t even eat anything that comes from a mix?
What, Kittens? Heroin? Let’s have priorities, people. Jason requires an intervention.
Resolutions always seem to have something to do with weight loss. It reminds me of lent …
“I’m going to give up carbs for Jesus” …
I like where you’re going with this “shoot up kittens with heroin” idea. Instead of taking away something in your life … you’re giving something to someone else. Like giving kittens the best freaking high of their lives.
Well done. I salute you.
If you want to sell some cards, try pictures of those sweater-kittens of yours on postcards. Remember, ‘ Heroin: friend of the working man ‘ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I may have made that up. At my age its difficult to be certain.
This post was, as always, hysterical.
But then you added the postcards.
I just lost my shit. Too fucking funny. Thanks for making me shoot hot coffee out of my nose. Again.
Someday I will remember that I am not supposed to drink coffee while reading your blog because it is dangerous.
Paulie Six-Toes is an excellent name. Just don’t call him Mutant Paulie or he might stab you in the eye with a soldering iron.
I need Ask the Bloggess back because I have an urgent and important question to ask.
Stop the PURRsecution! LOL!!!
Agreed. The kitten should look more like Courtney Love.
My New Years Resolution was to read the entire Bloggess from now til page 116 in the past. I finished today. But I guess now I have to go find some kitties to give heroin too, because clearly this was too easy.
If this effort fails you can always post the old Scottish recipe for kitten pudding. (try Haggis&othergruel.com)
Just doin’ god’s work here. You’re welcome.
Oh dear god… “stop the purrrrsecution.” Just peed my pants AND shot pop out my nose!
A couple of years ago my resolutions included not getting arrested again, not setting my kitchen alight again and not hitting a kangaroo in my car again. Ahhh life sure is boring now… 😉 lol
If I had a pinboard at work I would so put these photocards up. We don’t talk about polydactyl kittens enough. Or heroin. But we do eat a lot of cake.
I weep for the kittens!
I once met a polydactyl cat. He was terribly talented. (spell check doesn’t like polydactyl. It keeps wanting me type pterodactyl)
I think you should just post more kitten pictures with every update…
I sure would like to get those cards for my Mormon parents, but they kind of lost their sense of humour with me being a (9 year) recovered heroin addict and all. Lighten up people… it’s just heroin… and kittens. Sheesh!
I’m in Mexico on vacation right now. Which should be fantastic. Should be. Except I’m here with my 3 year old nephew who is a freakin’ pain in the ass. Like a kleptomaniac/bipolar/ADD/whiney pain in the ass. Are all 3 year olds this bad? If so, can I opt out of this parenting gig? Which brings me to my new years resolution… to stop thinking bad things about 3 year olds. Because my son will be 3 soon and this kind of thinking is sure to bite me in the ass. Karmically speaking. Happy 2011 y’all!
Hmm. Instead of a blatantly reprehensible resolution, I think I’ll make a resolution to do something so easy, I can’t help but achieve it. How’s this – I resolve not to give heroin to any kittens in 2011. Happy New Year Jenny!
Heroin for kittens? How cruel!
Everyone knows they prefer crack! Shame on you
My resolution: To make a DJ mix of the hit single off the Heroin Kitties first album, upload it to YouTube, become instantly famous, and end up on Ellen wearing a Heroin Kitties T-shirt.
Bloggess… I totally missed it, if you posted it.. but what did you end up naming your new kitty?
Paulie Sixtoes. He’s a tiny mob-boss.
Ha Ha !! Love it!
I’ve gone ahead and set a goal for 2012…. my goal is to stop procrastinating.
Instead of setting new year goals, we should focus on mini-goals to achieve our bigger goals.