Disclaimer: I would never actually assault Stephen King.

in blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, weekly reruns

When I do my weekly wrap-up of shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here it’s usually 3 weeks late, but this week it’s actually a day early.  This is one of the things you get when you start taking your ADD meds on a regular basis.  You also have to buy everyone new toothbrushes because you ruined every toothbrush in the house by meticulously scrubbing the grout-lines in all the the bathrooms at 3 o’clock in the morning because you could hear the mildew growing.  In related news, I might not be the best candidate for ADD meds.  But my God my showers are spotless.

Let’s begin:

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Nothing really.  But I did find out that one person in almost every State now owns one of these and it gives me hope for humanity.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my friend Nidhi, who didn’t technically sponsor this post at all but she did make me the kick-ass new shit-I-did-this-week graphic when she realized that I’ve been using the same one for months and that’s kind of even better than sponsoring a post.  She’s fucking amazing and you should check her out her prints right here. They’re whimsical and lovely.

78 thoughts on “Disclaimer: I would never actually assault Stephen King.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I was going to comment on this post with something witty (or else attempt to be witty, as I’m not very good at it), but I was distracted by the ticky box under the comment box that says “comment luv”. Does this mean I am giving you luv with my comment? Or does it mean my comment is sponsored by luv? Or does it mean you are giving my comment luv just for existing?

    Also, why is is luv? Am I not good enough for real love? Am I so worthless that I can only offer/receive luv and not the real deal? It’s like the supermarket brand-name of affection, a bit tasteless and leaves a weird after taste that lingers for several months. Now I don’t know whether this box is good or bad, and I’m caught in a dilemma of whether to click it or not, and what kind of message it sends about me either way…

    Way to confuse me ticky box. You’ve just ruined my first ever comment to the Bloggess.

    Good going.

  4. Last night I woke up around 3 AM to a rustling out on our back porch. My first thought was, “Oh, shit! Dinosaurs.” (Because of course it was.) It turned out to be a skunk making a nest in my son’s wading pool. Perhaps you’re not the best candidate for ADD medication, but I think I might be in the market for something… similar.

  6. The custom knitted penises – classic. I bet it would make the perfect stocking stuffer. 🙂 Thanks for always making me laugh!

  7. If you’re still in a grout-scrubbing frame of mind, you could come over to my place. I’ve got plenty of toothbrushes and I can pay you in banana bread.

    Y’know, I tried really hard to make that sound not the least bit suggestive and failed anyway.

  8. Um, how could Stephen King possibly be more productive than you? Does he has bathrooms with toothbrushed cleaned grout? No. No, he doesn’t.

  11. You have no idea how i feel about grout… and how potentially efficient I could be on ADD meds, whether or not I have ADD.

    I orchestrated our bathroom reno almost completely because of nould in grout that couldn’t be reached to be cleaned. Next time you are near Toronto, Canada, you call me. We’ll have wine, ADD meds, and clean this fucking place top to bottom.

    If my dog doesn’t eat you (In the aggressive inappropriate way, I mean).

    S

  15. thanks, jenny. 10:25 on a saturday morning and i’m at my desk in tears with the post from the panic room. this is the way i feel about my grandparents, but reverse, my grandfather passed nearly 14 years ago and left my grandmother all alone… :'(

  16. See anticraft website for knit womb and penis. They also have merkin patterns. Knitty has tits. I recently found a fairly anatomically-correct penis pattern, “fairly” because it is small and holds chapstick. I guess it’s more than fairly, if you consider it as a little boy’s penis, but that would make you a bit pervy, especially if you can’t stop fondling it.

    If you like crochet, Lion’s Brand just posted an Oprah pattern. She’s holding a microphone, but one could always substitute the more than fairly penis. I’m sure Oprah uses chapstick.

  19. I miss the university health docs that would prescribe ADD meds so long as you were breathing. Now I even have a mother-in-law who’s a dentist so I can clean with as many toothbrushes as I want. No, really.

  22. I am very sad for the girl who had to knit her own vulva. Wouldn’t it get itchy? That’s never a good thing. How sad she didn’t have one already installed. I may have misunderstood her meaning.

    In Britain we have shops selling willie-warmers to unsuspecting tourists, right out in plain view. Your email friend could get one of those and stuff it. (Yes, they come complete with balls, pubic hair would have to be added but that should be a doddle with some nice yarn and a crochet hook.)

  23. I’m so glad you mentioned who drew your new banner up there! As soon as I saw it I thought, “Oooo! That’s ADORABLE! Did she draw that herself?!”

    Good to know you haven’t just been HOLDING OUT ON US with adorkable pics. And now I have a new shop favorited on Etsy. WIN FOR EVERYONE!

  24. Aww…but Stephen King has nothing on your imagination! Plus, I bet his toothbrush is all shiny new and his toilet a nightmare.

  25. Hailey is precious. Adorable.
    Also? *My* stuffed animals *are* real. And they have feelings. Like, Hubby isn’t allowed to let Mike the stuffed monkey fall behind the bed, because it’d be scary and dark back there.

  27. Whoa whoa whoa, you mean if I were to actually take the medicine I need that I could clean without bouncing all around the house and finding things to distract myself with?

    Maybe that’s why all my guests hate me at work… I’m too busy thinking about what else is going on in the world.

    I tried to make this sound sarcastic, but now I’m not sure how it sounds. Just know that I love you, and that’s not sarcasm.

    hopefully.

  28. I have had my rounds with Stephen King also. I almost wrote him a nasty letter for not writing faster, but I didn’t want to seem needy.

  31. Hee. I used to watch “Little House” all the time (even if Michael Landon was NOTHING like Pa in the books)… so I don’t know if that’s why I cracked up at that, or… no, wait.

    It was probably the gin.

    Yeah, that.

  32. I’ve been in the middle of reading Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’ book for the past 8 months or so. I haven’t gotten to the point where I’ve learned about writing, per se…but I will point out that he was a raging alcoholic for quite some time.

    So maybe, you should start drinking more. Although, God help us all to see writing from a drunk Bloggess.

  33. Jenny, you and I are totally on the same wavelength today. I mentioned needing ADD meds in my post too. I’m hoping my readers will send me free ones in the mail. If I get extras, I’ll let you know. I just hope no one decides to get funny and send me viagra or something. . .

  34. Stephen King isn’t on Twitter? Well who the crap am I following then?

    I knew that guy was the wrong kind of creepy.

  35. The artwork is pretty cool, but is it me, or did your mole switch sides? They say when your moles start changing that it could be a sign of cancer. Maybe it’s just artistic license. Artistic license to kill.

  36. The “Together” post? I think that’s the marriage we all want, I got all weepy. My husband is already under strict instructions that we are required to die at the exact same time so I don’t have to live a minute without him. He’s an engineer and therefore his brain thinks that’s silly, but whatever. He promised he’d make an effort, so that’s a done deal.

  37. Are you kidding? Do you know how long it took him to finish the Dark Tower series? Well…me neither, because I started it after he’d written them all. But I hear it was a REALLY LONG TIME.

  39. I am fairly certain that Stephen King doesn’t use a computer to write. To quote my idol Douglas Adams, “You just have to look at the sheer volume of his work to realize he never had to spend time fiddling about with plugs.” Of course Adams was talking about Dickens, but you get the idea. I totally sympathize with you about the eleven year torture of trying to write a book. I’ve been working on one for around eight years now and got it just about finished only to discover a book with an almost identical story line in Borders. I have since been asked not to return to that Borders after collapsing in a hysterical bout of crying and screaming in the science fiction section. The worst part was that I read it and realized that this particular book was poorly edited and had some of the worst spelling and grammar errors I have ever seen in a published novel. I would have treated you so much better my sweet story.

  40. Jenny, your friend’s art was SO COOL that I *had* to order a print for my daughter. I just completely renovated her room and that print of the young girl with flowers was perfect. Please don’t make me go on a shopping rampage!

  42. blogess, i love you, and i also love me some stephen king.
    therefore i am going to have to beg you to refrain from punching him in the nose. he will later purchase you and beat the shit out of you with a crowbar. so please, just don’t.

  43. Obviously, I’m late to the grout cleaning party, but if someone could either hook me up with some of those ADD drugs, or come clean my grout in Toronto, I would happily pay in banana cake. Which is WAY better than banana bread because there is a layer of fat and sugar on top of the banana cake goodness. just sayin’

  44. And now, I want a knitted penis and vagina. Also, I have tons of grout that you could scrub if you run out at your house.

  45. I hope Hailey never grows out of planning with stuffed animals. None of us should. I don’t have a cell phone, I have a tiny pocket robot who knows me better than anyone and knows that I’ll totally run that red light because he’s urging me too and then well…who knows…let’s not grow up…

    I wish I were a blogger so I could release my thoughts right now, but I’m not and I can’t so thanks Jenny, you make me laugh and you let me comment and it’s some release.

    (For the record I am not the Keith who sent the penis stamped package)

  46. The Together post really tugged at & weighed on my heartstrings. So beautiful & painful at the same time.
    And on another note, I wish I knew how to knit/crochet genitals.

  49. Yet again no one in my house eats as I catch up with everything. Too bad–I need a laugh more than they need sustenance.

  51. This has to be the coolest community on the internet…I mean seriously, hooking people up with knitted gentalia? It doesn’t get more awesome than this.

    PS. Keith, I love the disclaimer at the bottom of your comment

  52. What’s it like to write for a living? Just write. Nothing else.
    I so want to be you, only I couldn’t do it as well, so maybe I need to wish for something else…like an iPad.

  54. JENNY. do you remember me. I’m Nicole’s husband in Virginia. (Nicole’s boyfriend, ignore this.) I still owe you swing dance lessons.

    Point of this comment? I just realized you look exactly like Meg White in the opening scene of the music video for Conquest.

  57. Nellie Olsen’s mom can’t prounce French any better than the lady who tried to teach us “Silent Night” in German in the seventh grade. We were twelve and knew she was an idiot.

  60. That graphic is rather adorable!

    And by all means, next time you feel like scrubbing bathrooms at 3 AM, stop on by. I am not at all ADD, and can ignore cleaning duties for weeks on end.

  61. I’m glad you are taking your time with your book. Unlike Stephen King, I’m sure your book won’t have me clutching a cast iron skillet in the corner of my room while I actively wet my own pants. He is an asshole.

  62. I totally read “disturbingly realistic knitted genitalia” as “disturbingly realistic KITTEN genitalia”. And I clicked on it. Yeah, I sure did….

  63. Nice new graphic, you really needed one. -not that you didn’t squeeze every last drop out of photoshop with your 1001 reworkings of your banner pic. You could release all those in a coffee table book and people would buy it.
    Some people.
    Not me. (sorry)
    Whomever bought any of the stuff with the decapitated boar -THEY’D buy it fer sur.

  64. I was going to give you props on your new graphic before I saw your note at the bottom. But now I have to give you mega props because I checked out Nidhi’s store and her illustrations are indeed whimsical and lovely. I need one now.

  69. Today I learned all about stephen’s appearance. ‘Stephen is of Scots-Irish ancestry, stands 6’4″ and weighs about 200 pounds. He is blue-eyed, fair-skinned, and has thick, black hair, with a frost of white most noticeable in his beard, which he sometimes wears between the end of the World Series and the opening of baseball spring training in Florida. Occasionally he wears a moustache in other seasons. He has worn glasses since he was a child’
    check out what i learn each and every day for 1 year

  70. I recently knitted a willy-warmer and a vibrator cover, so I reckon I could knit a penis and vagina without too much trouble. I also made a pottery vagina once, and it now lives in Alabama. Feel free to point the lady in my direction.

  71. Hahaha, I’ve been very confused about the Stephen King-thing since I read it for the first time. I simply could not understand it, and frankly I was a little offended. All because I was SURE you wrote Stephen Hawking. And then I was all like “That ain’t cool, Jenny! You don’t attack a man in a wheelchair with a robotvoice!”* Except I’m Danish so really I was all like “Ej, Jenny, det må man man altså ikke! Han sidder jo herremeget i rollestol og taler igennem en maskine. Rødgrød med fløde! Legoland og H.C. Andersen.”
    *Just realized that sounds like it’s the wheelchair that has a robotvoice. I’m sure it doesn’t. Almost.

  72. I love your new shit-I-did-this-week graphic! I was hoping you would mention the artist and was happy to see the links at the end of the post. Man, her stuff is just wonderful!

  73. So in the Fall my husband and I went to Las Vegas to see the Pixies. They’ve aged, and not well. Anyway, at the end of the concert my husband and I were feeling old, kind of hanging out in the back by the lobby because OUR EARS HURT FROM THE NOISE, just like old people, and guess who walked by? No really, guess!

    Stephen King.

  75. Maybe I need some ADD meds. I want clean bathrooms, hell, a clean house. Or maybe I should stop reading your blog with all of the funny, intriguing links. I think the links are causing my ADD. Or maybe it’s just the internet. Yeah, definitely the internet. There should be a study out there on how the internet and ADD are related. I bet the results would be astounding. By the way, did you know that You Data is saying your blog is super cool and has a link on the side? I was checking my email and saw an offer for a new Sponsored Tweet so I clicked through and checked it out. Then I noticed what my balance was and that made me wonder what my PayPal balance was. I logged into PayPal, noticed the nominal amount of money in there and that made me think, hm, maybe I should check my other PayPal account. So I logged in and checked that one. There was some random change in there and then that had me wondering where said random change came from. Clicked through and saw there were a few payments from You Data. Wow, I forgot about You Data. I think the last time I used it was a few weeks ago when I was here reading. (Yeah, that random person that shared 3 cents with you was me. You can thank me later.) Oh okay, back to You Data. On the My Ads page they have a side bar that says “You can get your ads here or or get the same ads at many of the sites you visit every day! Here are a few of our favorites:” Insert link to “The Bloggess” here. So I thought, cool, I wonder what she’s up to. Then I land here and HAVE to read about your Christmas tree laundry solution, celebs holding water, Charlie Sheen’s random moments and then thankfully you brought up ADD and I could write this comment. Shit. This is basically an entire blog post. Maybe I should just go post it on my blog instead. Well, off to go read my newly opened 5 links that stemmed from The Bloggess.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Poem of the day:
If you ordered signed copies of my books from @nowherebookshop I just signed a shit-ton of them with increasingly erratic inscriptions. I’m so sorry.
Pick. Me. Choose. Me. -Hunter S Thomcat
Jesus, lamp. Eyes on your own work.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

%d bloggers like this: