Conversation with my husband:
Victor: Look at this video. It’s about a company that invented a tool that lets you drive using only your mind.
me: Awesome. I’m so glad we’re making such huge advances in the field of driving-a-car-without-hands. It’s good that the scientists have a new priority now that they’ve found a cure for cancer.
Victor: The concept is pretty cool. You can drive all the way to work just sitting there.
me: They already invented a tool for that. It’s called a bus.
Victor: I think I want one. You could drive yourself to the grocery store and learn to play the flute at the same time.
me: I would kill myself in about 8 seconds in that car. What about all the times you think about driving off the edge of a cliff? Does it compensate for that?
Victor: Who the hell thinks about driving off a cliff?
me: Um…me. And everyone.
me: You don’t imagine –for just a second– about driving off a bridge every time you drive over one?
Victor: Why would I do that?
me: Because it’s human nature. Everyone does that. You never actually do it but everyone thinks about it.
Victor: Well I don’t think about it.
me: Well then, maybe there’s something wrong with you.
Victor: Maybe there’s something wrong with me because I don’t think about driving off cliffs on a regular basis?
me: Or because you want a car so you can play the flute. Neither of those are particularly normal.
Victor: Okay, first of all, the flute was for you. Secondly, I think there’s something really wrong with you.
me: Probably. I like how in the video they’re all “Don’t try this at home” because that disclaimer is totally the only thing keeping me from driving my car with my mind right now. I mean, that and the fact that we’re out of brain sensors.
Victor: Just stop talking.
me: If I was driving a brain-car I’d make it go to Taco Cabana all the time and you’d be all “Where are we going? We don’t have time for this” and I’d be like “I’m not doing it! It’s the car. It must want enchiladas” and then I could get enchiladas all the time and you couldn’t yell at me about it because you couldn’t prove I was doing it on purpose.
Victor: When have I ever yelled at you about enchiladas? WHY IS THIS EVEN AN ISSUE?
me: You’d totally yell at me if I suddenly veered off to get unexpected enchiladas. That’s why I’ve never even tried it. Because I know you. But just wait until we get our mind-control car. There are going to be unexpected enchiladas everywhere.
PS. Then Victor said that I just proved that I can’t be trusted with a mind controlled car, which was kind of my point to begin with. I win. Except now I totally want enchiladas and I have no brain-controlled car to get them for me. Touché, scientists. Way to create a demand.
284 thoughts on “I can’t tell if I won this argument or lost it. I’d feel better if I at least had nachos.”
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I think of driving off a cliff all the time. Or running with lemmings.
Is that wrong??
Oh my god that is freaky! There would be a million accidents, and yeah cars going over bridges so fast – even to slow down and look at the view. You won!
I have a car that goes places when I think about them… only difference is I have to use my hands.
I would not trust myself with a car like that since I’m not able to trust myself with a car that Is driven by my hands and feet. And yes, I think about car crashes, driving off the bridges and into the walls all the time so I’d be dead around the first intersection.
On a more serious note: if people start driving brain-controlled cars I am not leaving my house ever again.
Damn, you! It is 9:35 AM, and now I want enchiladas too and I’m at work, and unfortunately for me, I don’t work in Taco Cabana or any other equally awesome Mexican food restaurant. Also, unlike pizza, I don’t think enchiladas are particularly delicious morning food.
I don’t take lunch until 1:30 PM, so I will be hating you until then. But then I’ll go back to loving you and everything that comes out of your mouth once I get some enchiladas in mine.
I’d be afraid to get one of those cars. Not so much because it could hear my brain. But what if it listened to my four-year-old’s brain by accident instead of mine? I’d forever be in hell. Otherwise known as Chuck E. Cheese. (Oh dear god, just typing that makes me shudder.)
I think of driving off bridges, into guardrails, off of cliffs, and strangling hitchhikers. Totally normal.
Seriously that would be the worst thing EVER. Imagine your having a really shit day or god forbid have been in an accident before and all you think about is a possible accident! I do it THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. I’m like “Holy crap that car is too close it’s going to veer into me or I’ll veer into IT because I’m thinking about it so much and everyone knows that if you over think it that shit just happens fucking magically.”
Then I die.
Plus if we can control cars with our minds surely we’re just a step away from cars controlling ours?!
The world is a fucked up scary-ass place.
I used to drive through the mountains to go to work.I totally would think about what would happen if my car just veered off and slid down the edge of the mountain face almost on a daily basis. Except there are no enchilada stands/stores/stops at the bottom of the mountain face so then I would have had a broken car and no food and how bad would that have sucked?
I’m enclosing some nachos with my response, because you totally deserve them.
My car would run over pedestrians. All. The. Time. For some reason no one in my town knows how to cross the street at the actual cross walk. People just walking all over the road – willy nilly. I’m sure my mind control car would fix the problem. And then drive to Total Wine.
You’re fracking kidding me, I work in the insurance industsry and it already scares the beejubuz outta me that the IQ of a vast many of the people I have encountered in the course of my employments is barely above herd animal.
It will be like lemmings off cliffs and bridges.. And how would you prove who is at fault for all the accidents?
Screw it, I’m just gonna wait for the flying mind controlled car to come out instead.
See I would have a major issue here… because I think about going to the US all the time so my mind-controlled car would totally try to drive across the Atlantic, except since it’s not Jesus and can’t walk on water, I’d drown and it would be all your fault because I read about it here, and until I read about it, I didn’t even realize I *wanted* one. Way to go, Victor. You just killed me.
I TOTALLY imagine myself driving off cliffs, bridges, overpasses, small children. Wait. That’s not right. It’s *over* small children, not off them.
And? I ALSO think about driving off of bridges and cliffs… and sometimes into trees… and once I thought about driving through the picture window of a racket ball club.
I would always end up at the pizza place. ALWAYS. And my car would be littered with pizza crusts and empty pizza boxes, whose gonna clean that up, Mr. Sci-fi guy? Not me, because it’s your cars fault! And when I get fat? YOUR FAULT! Hey, I think I just found a loop hole…all the pizza I can eat and it’s not my fault AND my car can be trashed too??? But the bridge thing? Yay, all the time. Sometimes, I think about it with oncoming snow plows too..what would happen if I slammed into you…they did a snow on Mythbusters once to see if it would shear a car in half…sometimes, I just wonder if I could do it too….great, now I want pizza. But I don’t want to drive my car. Thanks, Jenny.
What if you have ADD? This would not be a good thing! Left, no right, u-turn – NOW DAMMIT!!
I have previously panicked while driving because I thought my brain might decide to drive off a bridge/into a tree without my permission. I feel like this would happen the first time I saw a bridge/tree while driving a mind-controlled car, except it would end in me dying.
You are not alone.
Maybe we should wire the cars to little monkey chauffers’ brains. That way we don’t have to worry about driving off a bridge because the monkey doesn’t know what a “bridge” is. . and then all the ones that get into accidents we can eat their brains Indiana Jones style.
You are not alone. Which is good news. It means when you get to the bottom your corpse will have lots of company. And when the zombie apocalypse WE will be the zombie army! I totally bet you didn’t even THINK about being on the ZOMBIE side of the apocalypse now did you? OOPS You JUST did and now that is why you are dead at the bottom of the cliff. DAMN mind reading car. Or just maybe it is BECAUSE YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE INTERNET AND DRIVING.
It was me that yelled at you about enchiladas. Sorry Jenny. (Do we even have enchiladas in Canada?)
Ok, that settles it. Chipotle for lunch. I was on the fence, but now it’s decided.
I’d be more worried about all the times I’m driving and someone cuts me off and I think, “Goddamn it. Someone ought to kill that asshole.” Because then my car would probably leap into the air and land on top of them, or would sprout machine guns like the Green Hornet car.
Goddammit, now I want enchiladas.
I think about driving off a cliff or a bridge all of the time when I am driving. And then I think about my funeral and if anyone would be there. i don’t know why I am so morbid. I need help.
Oh my god! I think about driving off cliffs ALL THE TIME. I mean, I totally wouldn’t do it but I think about it. It would be completely irresponsible for anybody to let me drive the mind-controlled car. I would be driving off cliffs or into the lake all the time. It’s just how my mind works!
A lot of modern cars have rev limiters. The brain car will have an enchilada-craving limiter. I’m sure of it.
Oh and i want to point out the WRONGNESS that is someone not even KNOWING if there are enchiladas in there country. SOMEONE SEND KAREN SUGARPANTS SOME DAMNED ENCHILADAS!!!
oh and yeah, you totally won.
You know, just *once* could I get a goddamn car that will drive itself to get me mexican food and toilet paper without me having to be a participant? If modern science wants me to be impressed, my car will run errands for me so I can sleep late.
Which is probably better than my being a part of it, because my car would never think about running off of a cliff or a bridge or gunning down those dumbasses that are walking and crossing the street in front of me, because duh – they are machines.
Wait. The crosswalk thing wasn’t one of them.
I don’t know. I’m still very tired and sick. This all makes perfect sense in my head.
Now I’m off to spend the rest of my conscious day playing lemmings online.
Which is probably a more healthy way of dealing with my aggression than running over people on the crosswalks. Not nearly as satisfying though.
I frequently drive past an amuzement park just off a highway I take to visit my parents house and I just KNOW that If I had a mind controlled car, I would smash through the 8 lanes of traffic and through the fence to get to some badass rollercoaster, sparing no thought to the cars and people I would leave crushed in my wake. Or every time I pass a starbucks I would just veer towards it, rolling over chilren and hipsters like they were speed bumps intentionally keeping me from coffee. I’m like a starbucks homing beacon.
What I’m trying to say a lot of people would die because I’m an adrenaline and caffeine junky.
I just laughed so hard I snorted my coffee! Not a good look….
Thanks for brightening my day whilst I’m laid up with a dislocated knee!
I also think of driving off cliffs sometimes while driving. And sometimes, I imagine just accelerating and crashing into the cars in front of me. I’m not suicidal or anything, I promise! It’s nice to hear I’m not alone.
My God, I love you people. I can’t tell if this proves that we’re all totally normal or that most of my audience is dangerously suicidal. I’m leaning toward the first one.
I would be in a lot of trouble because we just moved to a new part of the state. Sometimes I dream I’m back home; do these cars take subconscious thoughts as driving instructions? Because I used to sleepwalk as a kid, and I can see all sorts of trouble arising from this situation. I sleepwalk to the car, hop in, and tell it to drive me somewhere familiar, thinking I’m in my hometown. We crash into several things on the way there (which isn’t really there, because “there” isn’t THERE). I do not wake up because I am very tired. Or I do wake up and promptly decide to go back to sleep so I don’t get in trouble. Can’t blame the sleeping girl! Totally not my fault. Blame the car. Dumb thing doesn’t know what city we’re in.
The hubster and I went to Delaware from Maryland last week and I thought I was going to pass out as we drove over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. I kept thinking there was no way that weinie metal railing would keep us from going over the side.
Glad to know it isn’t just me. Oh, and mind controlled cars equal computers in control and we all know that ends with humans being harvested for energy. No thanks.
I’m hungry now. My driving-off-cliff mental scenarios are quite vivid. You gotta have the right number of slams against the cliff and spins and fire.. and a big boom. Just sayin…
–>I always think about slamming into the car in front of me for going too slow. Bastards.
Okay, I used to think there was something wrong with me because I totally thought about driving off cliffs every time I encountered one. Then I discovered there are actually words for “That feeling you get when you are up somewhere high and suddenly want to jump/drive off it, not in a serious way, but just because it’s there, so you think about it” in other languages, which made me feel better. I know there’s a word for it in French, but I can’t remember what it is anymore.
But it’s totally human nature. Or, at the very least, French.
the Segway guy didn’t think about falling off a cliff either.
I TOTALLY think about driving off cliffs all the time. But then, that fact might not help you out much because I’m not normal.
Maybe there can be an app to control the car from another state so next time my husband goes to Texas on business and brags about eating Taco Cabana every night I can drive him off a cliff.
Surely the license restrictions for owning such a vehicle would prevent anyone but mindless zombies from having one. It’s not like having children.
When did you find out Victor is a zombie?
I don’t think of driving off cliffs, HOWEVER, I often look down them, wondering how many bodies have been dumped down there and never discovered. It may help to mention that I grew up in the Ozark Mountains. Which often have inadequate guardrail.
I have surveyed other people and they imagine driving off of them instead.
I think this means I have a huge ego. I’ve earned it! 😐
I totally do that too. I’m also convinced that every black garbage bag on the side of the road has a body in it.
I could do with a car like that. I don’t drive and this would get me on the road. There would be no problem at all. I mean, I don’t know my right from my left and if I see running water I want to jump in to it but the car would be wired to account for all of that. Right?
I can’t drive, but if I could they’d have to put out a warning to all the cyclists in the area. My mind – and thus the car – would just not be able to help itself. It’d swing the door open into them as I approached.
Unless the doors aren’t mind controlled. And if not, why not? I don’t want to have a mind-controlled car with doors I have to open *manually*. Where would be the point? Way to go, scientists.
He’s lying, who doesn’t think about slamming into the car in front of them, bumper-car style? Or doing crazy stunts, James bond style? At least most of the time, people realize that it wouldn’t be as fun as doing things like this in an amusement park setting. Mind controlled cars sound like an awful idea.
I think about it every time I drive out to my horses at night. The road runs along a cliffy/slope? type thing near the sea and I always think about crashing through the bushes and down the cliff….. My other half even had a dream one night that I did that when he was in the car which me…. Apparently I was annoyed cos the car would get all messed up..
Damn I want mexican now….
Also what happens if you fall asleep? What would the car do then…. I bet it would just drive you to the middle of no where and kill you….
I so love the posts that involve conversations between you and Victor. They remind me of the discussions in my house. Only way funnier.
This would only work for people with control of their thoughts. Which is not me. My brain wonders… did someone say waffles?
What? Oh yeah, it would also only work for people without road rage. Often my brain says “Just ram that asshole”, but my hands say “Simmer down now”.
Also, what about those long road trips where you awake from your road trip driving trance and realize that you don’t really remember driving the last 15 miles? The mid controlled car would be driving towards fields of unicorns grazing in a moutain meadow on sweet clover while fairies dance to the playlist from the Sound of Music and Julie Andrews is knitting me mittens….
Umm, that only has happened to me on the interstate in Nebraska, so I don’t think I missed much.
Who wants to ride with me while I drive the mind controlled car? Wheeeeee!
Holy Crappin’ Moth Balls! This was too funny. And for the record, I always ‘think’ about driving off the bridge too. Not that I want too, but yeah, it happens. (o_O)
You know that little voice in your head that is Victor telling you that what you are doing is dumb? That is your Onboard Victor. I have one that is my husband always telling me things like “don’t drive off cliffs” and “you don’t need another pony, you don’t even use the one you have” and “Doritos are not a suitable floor covering.” That guy is such dick.
Hmmm…I think about hitting people with my car daily. And I give myself imaginary points depending on the age, size, and general douchery of the person I want to hit. And make sound effects as I hit them in my mind. Sometimes I accidentally make the sound effects out loud when there are other people in the car and they act like it’s *weird* or something that I want to run people over. And then I want to kick them out of the car and run them over. It’s a vicious cycle, really.
Now I want Taco Cabana, but the nearest one is about 5 states away. Thanks a lot, Jenny.
Why do I hear my voice as you and my man’s voice as Victor in this scenario? I think we’ve had an argument like this before….
I hate being outsmarted by scientists. Pisses me off.
My favorite part is when you said “They’ve already invented a tool for that. It’s called a bus.”
And? Also? My favorite blog posts are your conversations with Victor. Because I think Victor is really just there as a background for your brilliance. You know how they put diamonds on black velvet to make the facets look all brilliant and sparkly? That’s what Vincent does for you. I mean, you’re brilliant and sparkly anyway, of course, but he makes the brilliance shoot off the page.
Also? I want enchiladas too. And I’ve already eaten lunch.
Not only do I think about driving off cliffs and bridges but whenever I see a bridge, I also visualize myself hanging myself off it. I have issues.
OK, so I definitely *do* think about driving off bridges and I asked my boyfriend and he looked at me like I was crazy and I told him he was just like Victor and he walked out.
Way to go, Victor. Way to ruin my love life.
I consider myself fairly normal, and I always thought I was weird for imagining what would happen if I ran my car into the side of a bridge or overpass, or just drove off the side of the road. I’m glad to see I’m in good company.
Luckily there aren’t any cliffs in Houston …
That’s too much thinking.
I think about what would happen if I forgot to turn fast enough on one of those curvy on-ramps. I’d probably sail over into the giant field off to the side. It might be thrilling until I hit the ground.
Um, you totally missed the point. The reason the scientist are doing this is because monkeys are so hard to train. Serioiusly! http://tinyurl.com/4e4vzfe
Do you really think it would be safer to have monkeys driving cars?! Have you even seen the movie Jumanji? That is a crazy idea. Shopping for toilet paper – YES! Driving through school zones -NO! Let the monkeys take the damn bus and leave the driving to us.
Um, I totally think about driving over an overpass every time I go past one. I thought I was twisted, and maybe I am, but it’s nice to know I’m not totally alone in that. I was beginning to think I needed “help.”
I would spend the rest of my life car surfing. I’d run errands and go to work while standing on top of my roof, commanding my car with my thoughts. On my off time I’d search for ramps to jump like it was KITT or the General Lee. I’d run through parking lots, having it chase me like a Stephan King book, just for the reactions.
My death would be totally Thelma and Louise style, only I’d be on top of the car… and I’d try to hang glide away.
I just… don’t see this technology working out well for me. You know, in the long run. The short run would be fantastic.
Yep, driving off bridges. I live in the SF Bay Area, so there are a LOT of bridges to think about driving off of, which is a terrible sentence in so many ways, and yet so true. Don’t do it, Jenny. And remember that every time you eat an enchilada, the scientists win.
I think about driving off of cliffs or into light posts.
I accidentally did it once. It wasn’t anything that my brain was thinking of at the moment. I assume it would be more terrifying if your artificial intelligence car was agreeing with your thoughts and decided to propel you off of a ravine.
Now, with the AI car, does it also have the “explode while plumetting” feature?
Did I also mention that I have such a tremendous fear of bridges that if I have to ride over a long one I have to medicate myself and cover my eyes? Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel? My living nightmare. Thought I was going f’ing die. Under water, then a bridge, then under water. All you would have had to do was make the bridge really high and I probably would have just had a stroke and they could have thrown me into the water right then and there and had a burial at sea. Deep water, high places and bridges…the three fears. Western NY has the High Bridge in Letchworth Park. Walked on it once. Totally had the urge to jump. I think I may have some issues.
Gravitating to hazards like a tongue to a dentist’s sharp pointy metal thing.
Unfortunately those fleeting thoughts I have are no so powerful, I don’t dare drive any more.
What would be better is if you could control *other people’s cars* with your mind.
The “driving off a clif” thing would get real interesting, real fast.
My car would constantly be sitting in the middle of the road, waiting for me to stop thinking about a million other unrelated things. Or waiting for me to remember where we’re going. I’m pretty sure even Watson couldn’t read through my tangled ball of yarn thought process.
So maybe this is off topic, but only a little: when I’m driving around using my hands and not my mind because no way would I get any further than the nearest gin joint, I’m always scoping out the best place to hide a body. And then I wonder about whose body is *obviously* there and who put it there and whether I should call the police to inform them that there’s probably a body behind that boulder just off the Trans-Canada near Lake Louise, the one that looks like a the back end of a moose, and then a really weird clump of twisted trees catches my eye and I start to worry about who’s behind or under THAT tree and on and on and then 11 hours later it’s Vancouver and I’ve probably driven past 500 bodies.
PS: Karen, in Canada we call them “en-chill-adas.”
If I had a mind-control car I’d rearend every car with a right-wing bumper sticker between here and the nearest bridge. The whole thing would probably last 10 minutes.
I’d be driving off bridges, hitting other cars that I think are stupid (hummers should watch out) and I’d probably be lost all the time because my mind wanders when I drive. And yes, I would hit pedestrians and bike riders because I’m so scared I will hit them I think about hitting them all the time. Great!
Would a headache be like your car breaking down?
I think of driving off the Houston-Galveston causeway every time I’m on it, which is at least twice a day. I just hope for everyone else’s safety, that other cars don’t mistakenly read my mind if they get too close. I’m always thinking when someone cuts me off, “fine, I hope you crash into the median in a fiery blaze of awesome; then see if I stop to help…” I-45 would be littered with burned-out wrecks.
The issue here is that if you are learning to play the flute while you are driving your mind controlled car, the car would automatically drive you to the closest Jethro Tull concert.
I frequently think about how much it would suck to drive off a cliff, bridge, into guard rails, etc.
I wonder if the car could pick up on that & malfunction.
Mmm, omg enchiladas!
No lie – it makes me feel so much better to see SO MANY people thinking about (just for a second) driving off that cliff/bridge/taking the curve at like 90 just to see what happens. I thought I was the only one. And I seriously had that thought this wknd driving home from Chicago and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Now I can see I’m at least normal-ish.
Jenny – The Bloggess – Bringing (the ish) People Together.
srsly tho – thank you.
I think it’s an anxiety issue, because I definitely have one of those and have spent a decent amount of time explaining to my boyfriend all of the things that I think about when I drive. Like I am awesome at avoiding animals, because I spend most of my time driving expecting something to run out in front of my car (deer/small creatures/drunks), and in the winter I think about all of the places I could spin out on black ice.
Of course, my version of unexpected enchiladas is unexpected wineries.
You know what I think about? I think about having Professor Xavier telepathy so I can call people who are driving like morons “Asshats!” really loud in their heads, but tell them it’s the voice of Jesus. If they are driving REALLY badly, I’d tell them they are going to hell. Also, I would drive off a cliff or bridge but suspend the car with my mind, and once it’s back to safety, I’d tell everybody Jesus saved me because I am the anointed Queen of the World. Once I am Queen I will eliminate poverty and cancer, ushering in an Era of utter Star-Trekkiness. It would be awesome. I’ll bet you this is what Victor thinks about, and that’s why he never thinks about driving off a bridge.
Cliffs? Not so much. Bridge abutments? Definitely! I am always envisioning what it would be like to just plow into one at interstate speeds.
But if you could control your car with your mind, you’d have both hands free to eat enchiladas! Dammit now I want enchiladas too. There will be a run on enchiladas today, and it’s all Victor’s fault!
Oh yeah, I totally think about driving off bridges. Usually it’s when it’s a really high bridge or a cliff face or something. Though, right now if I had that technology my car would start driving towards Colorado every time I got into it, which, come to think of it, isn’t so much of a problem because I don’t have a car right now . . . shoot, I can’t even commit accidental car suicide right.
I ALWAYS thinking about driving off cliffs/bridges and veering into oncoming traffic. ALWAYS.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I have similiar conversations with my husband all the time, but yours is definately more entertaining. Wish I’d had some nachos while reading it.
You know who won that argument? TACO CABANA. Now the enchiladas won’t be unexpected. You should totally get royalties, free stock in the company and free enchiladas.
Yeah.. you totally won that one girl. Have a beer and toast to a victory!!!
Okay cliffs are a given. Also, I’m not the fear-ridden type, but have you ever driven in the midwest at night and passed a tractor trailer pulled over on the side of the road? Dude, the roads are so straight and dark you cannot tell they are pulled over until you are right on top of them. Apparently it’s not at all uncommon for people to SLAM into the back of trucks at night in the flat grid-y parts of our fair country. It’s a crazy feeling trying to figure out where the truck is compared to the travel lane and it seriously creeps me out. *phew* I feel better already. You’re like therapy and you don’t even know it.
I believe the urge is called ‘spontaneous suicide’ (or at least the result of the urge), it’s one of the reasons people just throw themselves in front of an oncoming train on a whim. It’s weird. All ya all better check yourselves before you wreck yourselves. (Literally)
That car would not work out so well for those of us with A.D…oh a quarter!
For the record, I think of driving off bridges and cliffs as well. Sometimes I think about other cars pushing me off cliffs. When I drive over bridges, I often think about the people who may have jumped off them. I have even had dreams about driving off cliffs, but fortunately, have never died in those dreams. I think it is important to note that I grew up in the Rockies, and then the Ozark Mountains, as well. I wonder if it has something to do with mountains… I am glad to see this behavior is normal. Jenny, you are performing a PUBLIC SERVICE!
I think about jumping off things all the time. Not because I want to, but because I just feel like it! Stay away from the edge..
Oh, god. I totally think about driving off bridges when I drive over them. It should bring me comfort that I share this with someone and yet it’s you so now I’m just really, really concerned for myself.
I always think about driving head on into traffic to see who would win the collision, which I think is a way more defensible fantasy than yours.
You totally won that argument! And everyone thinks of driving off a cliff, bridge, or whatever on occasion! What does he know?
I live in Florida and we don’t have cliffs here, but I do think about driving off of overpasses and bridges every time I go over one. I also think about crashing into pedestrians and other cars to see what would happen. A mind-control car would be a weapon of mass destruction if I was driving it.
Would a mexican zombie eat brainchiladas?
My mind controlled car would constantly drive me to the Dumbo ride at Disney World and then my mom could never chastise me again for my unhealthy obsession of plastic elephants, because it wouldn’t be me it would be the car.
Way to win an argument!
There’d be a lot of dead hitchhikers (more than usual) piled up on the shoulder if people had mind-controlled cars. Everytime I pass one, or a bike rider, I imagine swerving a little -“10 POINTS!”
Is that bad? Will Tom Cruise swoop in “Minority Report” style to nab me for my thought crime?
Haha, it’s completely normal to think about driving off cliffs or bridges. Or at least I do. Maybe we’re both just crazy lol.
“Unexpected Enchiladas” sounds like a great fake band name.
i have driven off a cliff?
is that wrong?
When I’m in a car or bus or a plane or just in public in general, I *always* think of the possible ways I could die in that moment. Driving off a bridge has come up a few times. Of course, in my mind, it’s never on purpose; something causes me to have to swerve and then I go off the bridge or a big gust of wind knocks me into traffic when I’m walking. That sort of thing. Morbid, perhaps, but it keeps me entertained while I’m stuck in a car/bus/plane or while I’m bored of walking.
I have personally had those drive off the bridge or into oncoming traffic thoughts now and then.
I do think it’s a normal part of human nature.
I do NOT think a mind control car would be successful for me with my ADHD issues.
I’d think “Borders”, then, “Oh Look! Old Navy remodeled” then, “I need to buy more coffee”, then “look at that idiot dressed as a shampoo bottle outside the hair place” then “crap, I forgot my purse at home,” all within 15 seconds and God knows what would happen to the other drivers out there with my spazzed out car driving in circles.
That is easily the worst idea ever. I aaaaalways find myself wondering, “Hmm, what if I lost control of the car and drove off this bridge and crashed onto the expressway below it?” I mean, it’s not that I’m suicidal and I WANT to do this, but my mind is a dark, scary place and it is CURIOUS. Curious with visuals. This is a baaaaad combination for a mind-controlled car.
My sister told me a month or so ago that she though she was suicidal because she always thought about veering her car into guardrails or other cars while driving to and from work.
I told her everybody does that. She seemed to be disappointed that she wasn’t the only one with such morbid thoughts…
All this did was give me a horrible urge to eat Taco C. Too bad I’m like… thousands of miles away, jerk.
(Stupid jerk car thing. I feel your pain.)
ps – you are not the jerk. That car thing is. For making me want tacos.
yes, yes, YES. I totally think about driving off cliffs, getting hit by other cars, how cool it would be to drive on the sidewalk. Also, imagine the people who check their road rage but are silently thinking about ramming their car repeatedly into another person’s fender? Seriously!?
Yup… think about driving off the bridge all the time… not that I want to drive off the bridge… just that you’re going over water and you’re on a bridge and it’s busy and there’s traffic and what if the bridge suddenly collapsed and you landed on the boats below or your car filled up with water and I heard if you need to get out you have to wait for it to totally fill up and THEN break the windows otherwise the pressure of the water on the window won’t let it break and really if I’m thinking about the bridge collapsing then I might be the one on my toes and be able to hit the breaks and stop the car just before the part of the bridge that collapses. Yup… I think about it all the time. Now I know I’m normal ’cause you think about it too. Oh fuck… never mind… maybe I’m just crazy.
(Oh… if I had a mind controlled car I’d drive over a lot of people on crosswalks. They piss me off!)
I totally think about driving off bridges, into steep ditches, and ramming into stupid people who cut me off without even attempting to warn me with a late turn signal. And trying to ramp snow piles. And just veering off onto the interstate in the opposite direction from where I’m supposed to be going so that I can call my husband and say, “So I ended up in Florida. It’s much warmer here. Don’t worry, my boss will totally understand and yours will, too. Come join me or at least send the summer clothes that are in the back of my closet.” I love road trips.
Ok – statistically speaking, men think about sex once every 7 seconds.
I’m pretty sure I don’t need my car knowing that.
Jenny – you totally won that argument. If there was one, and I’m not saying there was one because I’m not really sure. What was the question again? FYI I’m also the type who gets pissed off and thinks about driving into oncoming traffic just to screw up people’s morning commute. So this would be akin to handing Tim McVeigh title to a Ryder truck franchise.
Nope, no brain control for me. Not gonna do it, wouldn’t be prudent.
Whenever I see a sheet on the ground or a big bag, I tell my Husband there are dead people either under the sheet or in the bag. So far, I’ve been right twice. I need to stop doing that because it freaks him out.
I do very frequently think about what would happen if I were to veer off the road through the canyon, or if I just swerved into someone’s car on the freeway. That car would surely be the death of me, and possibly many other people as well.
I guess that would save me from dying from cancer, so technically, they just cured cancer. Because we all die younger in car accidents caused by ADHD. So… win?
How does Victor NOT think of driving off a bridge when he’s crossing it? I’m thinking of driving off one right now and I’m sitting at my computer.
Holy crap! Husband and I were talking just yesterday about how cool it would be to have a mind-controlled car, and now there is such a thing! I think we actually invented it, as well as time travel, so we could go back in time andtell the scientists how to make the car. The time travel thing is still in the future, so we haven’t invented it yet, but since we’re crossing our own timeline all the time, it’s like we already have, but we’re caught in some sort of time-vortex where we’ve actually invented everything. Except a Mexican restaurant that delivers enchiladas, which would be totally awesome. Adding it to the list…
wow – what a concept. people will be able to drink and drive. literally.
Oh yes, the the places I’d go – unintentionally, I’m sure – if my car was controlled by my thoughts. If the cars are mind-controlled, how do they ensure MY car would be controlled only by MY mind? Does this mean I could *think* OTHER drivers off the cliff/bridge/overpass?? Now that could be much more entertaining….
My mind-car would probably try to dry hump the car in front of it at the enchilada drive-thru. Explain that to you insurance agent.
I think of earthquakes every time I go over a bridge and move my hand to the power window switch to make sure that if the car goes off the bridge and into the water, that some water will leak in and the car will pressurize and I will be able to get the door open before I sink to the bottom of the bay. Did I mention that the images of the SF Bay Bridge collapsing scarred me for life? I’m pretty sure that’s how I’ll meet my end. Also, every garbage bag on the side of the road totally has a body in it.
I think about driving off a bridge evenwhen in the shower….in fact, especially when I’m in the shower.
My husband does not. Men are clearly idiots.
I also now want Mexican food.
I totally understand you on this one! I think of driving off bridges, or going straight when there is a fork in the road, etc. Not all the time, of course, but sometimes. I tend to imagine the resulting chaos and sound. When in Cozumel recently, I rented a wave-runner. It was heaven! I could drive off all the (imaginary) cliffs and bridges I wanted. I could turn into (imaginary) oncoming traffic and look, no harm done! I’ve come to realize that wave runners are the least expensive form of therapy out there!
I think he’s *totally* fucking with you.
Everyone has that momentary thought of driving over the edge of the cliff. And the fact that they’ve invented mind control cars in the first place? It is probably a government conspiracy designed for the sole purpose of population control.
Worst car driving idea EVER. I stepped off a little platform into a swamp once as a kid right after I THOUGHT about how gross it would be step off the little platform into the swamp. I cannot be trusted in the least to drive a car with just my brain and no hands and feet to show good sense and stop or turn when needed. SERIOUSLY. It is like they want to kill us all off. You most definitely won that argument. But you still should have unexpected enchiladas. It is happiness waiting to happen.
Strangely enough, I’ve never thought about driving off bridges, though it totally sounds like something I’d spend valuable brain power thinking about. But I do think of getting mexican food every time I drive past a mexican restaurant. Like I seriously have to talk myself out of stopping in for a random enchilada. I just love enchiladas THAT MUCH.
*snort* I can’t stop laughing, I can’t breathe, I think I’m going to pass out because I can’t stop laughing. *breathe* – I haven’t laughed so much in ages – thank you, thank you very much – and btw, I am totally paranoid about driving over a cliff – it is seriously my biggest fear – I have nightmares about driving off the side of the road and plummeting to my death – sigh – I thought it was just me.
I think about driving off cliffs, off bridges, into walls etc. I think you won. Going to go eat enchiladas now…bye bye
“L’appel du vide
“French – “The call of the void” is this French expression’s literal translation, but more significantly it’s used to describe the instinctive urge to jump from high places.” Linked and referred such that I couldn’t grok the original source.
I’m not sure if there are different terms or phrases to describe the urge to drive into a tree, oncoming traffic, or off of a bridge, but they’re rather similar notions, and not at all uncommon.
Yeah I’m pretty sure that while Victor was learning to play the flute he’d forget to think “Stop at that Red Light” and then he’d die in a firey crash. And it all could have been prevented if he’d just taken the bus. People on the bus love live music. They’d totally support him in his quest to become a renowned flutist.
I think about driving off of bridges, or into trees, all the time. That totally proves the problem is with Victor.
sweet, now my mind-hijacking scheme is a little closer to being realized. fuck. yeah.
OK, I really think you got me with that one!!! Still laughing and now I want Mexican for dinner!
I would totally drive off a bridge, if it meant I could have Enchiladas
The answer is NO, there are no real enchiladas in Canada. I stopped ordering what they call “Mexican” food after I got spaghetti sauce on some “nachos” one time. I never order the “Taco Bell” up here, but I drive through the drive thru and heckle them for not having Fire sauce.
I totally think about intentionally doing something horrid when I drive. Not all the time, but for sure sometimes. We don’t have any cliffs here and I’m not going over bridges often, but there are many medians I could hop before driving headlong into traffic. I’m glad it’s not just me who does this.
You really crack me up. I just wish I had such interesting arguments with my husband.
See, I’d kill myself or my husband the very first time I “drove” the mind controlled car. So many times when we’re arguing whilst in the car I think, “I could just drive into that telephone pole and end the argument. Or that one… or that one… or that one…” Eventually the car, even if it was adapted to account for those type of outlandish ideas would be like, “Lady, you’re driving me crazy, being in your head is terrifying… so yup… THAT ONE!” And that’d be it and we’d be dead. Including the tragic autocide committed by the car. It’s just not a good idea.
Sometimes, I think Victor is a robot. Who doesn’t think about driving off the damn bridge?
I don’t even know how to drive, and now I’m supposed to drive with my mind?! What if I get a headache. And I don’t even live near a cliff. I hate everyone.
First, you guys talk about hitting the car in front of you like it’s a bad thing. It’s called “bump drafting” and it’s totally legal.* Second, I think we’re missing the point here, which is a Bloggess branded line of wigs with those mind control sensors inside. Because that headgear is dorky and would totally mess up my do.
*(As long as you are driving on either the Talladega or Daytona Speedway, but mostly we are, right?)
Not sure if you saw this: Honda is working on developing a ‘hat’ for drivers to wear which could potentially transmit human thoughts into the car’s computer and take control of certain settings, including the steering. Honda says it has already developed a similar hat that interprets electrical brain waves, but the design requires over 100 sensors to be embedded into the skull. http://www.caradvice.com.au/103285/honda-developing-hat-to-read-brain-patterns-and-control-car/
I’ve always noticed that the worst drivers are those wearing hats, and apparently this proves my theory that hats interrupt the brain waves.
Now if you can just explain to me why I couldn’t resist eating leftover enchiladas for breakfast BEFORE I even read your post. Are you controlling my thoughts? That might be kinda fun.
Is this this driving of a cliff/bridge for the fun of it or in a driving off to your death kinda way?
Because the second one isn’t meant to happen, that’s why I take pills everyday!
The worst bit about this technology is when you’d have to take Stephen Hawking to court for rear-ending you!
You’ve already given his side evidence that you are/would be a bad driver (the random turns for food).
I can just here his voice laughing at you now. In fact you could hear it too, just go to a text to speech program.
DAMN YOU, STEPHEN “ROAD RAGE” HAWKING!!!
I can’t drive past a cliff, bridge, ravine, or even a steep god-damned hill without imagining jerking my steering wheel to the right.
E3 had the same thought. “Unexpected Enchiladas” is a
Totally kickass band name, fake or otherwise.
Maybe I’ll open a Mexican food place here in Nashville and call it “Unexpected Enchiladas”. Of course, I’d put the story of my restaurant in the back of the menu and reference this post and Jenny. And James Garfield. And put him on the cover of the menu because a restaurant called Unexpected Enchiladas would have a crazy stuffed boar as a mascot.
Thanks for the restaurant idea Jenny!!!
P.S. How cool is it that my iPhone keeps auto completing Unexpected and Enchilada. It’s like Steve Jobs KNEW this was a GREAT idea and built it into my phone. Good call, Steve!
Hungry now… Thanks!
Am I the only one who is concerned with how awful the brain-sensor-headset-thingy looks? Really, like people would actually be seen in public with one of THOSE on…
And I have thought about driving off a bridge before. Especially drawbridges. I’d die on a drawbridge…of course, I wouldn’t be caught dead in the brain-sensor-headset-thingy so I guess I won’t die.
I usually just think about crashing into things . . . and I’m pretty sure this is only really a good idea for like paraplegics, because of the huge distraction potential from a task with no physical engagement. Where’s my automated robot car, dammit!
I haven’t thought about cliffs recently (living in the middle of Denver, there aren’t a whole lot of those around…) But we do have bridges, and I will admit sometimes thinking about driving my car over the other cars in traffic…. bouncing down the road Monster Truck Style.
This is why my husband tells me that I am NOT allowed to buy a lift kit for my Mercury Sable. Apparently… if I OWNED a Monster… Station Wagon?…. I might be tempted to use it.
I also pretend I’m in the De La Mans when scooting down the highway at 65 MPH…. And if my car were to ACTUALLY do the things I imagine in my head??… I would be SO arrested.
Victor is right, you are being ridiculous. Everyone knows you get quesadillas from Taco Cabana. You get enchiladas from Rosa’s.
OMG. I totally think about driving off the cliff!! When we were coming home from visiting my in-law’s I was so tired and the gray snow was blending with the gray sky and I’m telling you, I had to FORCE myself to stay on the road and not drive off into the gray river that ran under the gray bridge. After about 2 hours of feeling that way, I told my husband that we needed to stop for the night.
Every time I drive by my neighbor’s snow white picket fence I am briefly consumed with an urge to run right through it and knock the whole thing down. I’ve had this thought every time I’ve gone by their house, and we’ve been living next to them for 8 years. Every. Time.
It goes without saying that I cannot be trusted with a brain controlled car.
I drove myself off a bridge once for these exact reasons. I survived by way of my Jeep being much more badass than I had accounted for. Even the cops and medics were all, “holy shit this baby handles like a dream.”
I’ve said too much…
My insurance rates would be a nightmare with a brain-controlled car. I’m constantly thinking about what it would be like to accidentally drive off a cliff or rear-end that asshole who cut me off in traffic. I just don’t think I could afford it, even with all the enchiladas that would inevitably result from such amazing technology.
1) it’s important to have a boyfriend who will financially support you, so you can quit your demoralizing job (at 4pm today) in order to stop constantly considering driving into oncoming traffic, barricades, or off of bridges. 2) now, *I* want enchiladas. you win?
Your commenters make me feel so much better about wanting to drive over cliffs all the time. It’s marvelous to be normal in such odd company.
PS – pretend I spelled marvellous correctly. Thanks. (I didn’t see the red squiggly line before I hit submit, and that’s always one of those words for me!)
I’m wondering if you could just send the car to the Taco place to pick up your order and then mind control it back home without even leaving the recliner?
I can’t believe they’re wasting money on this when WE DON’T ALL HAVE JETPACKS YET! Come on, scientists, it’s 2011!! Where’s my robot maid?
There’s obviously many fatal errors in the design of this mind-controlled car as you and a number of your readers have already pointed out, but just for the fun of it, let me add a couple more!
How could one ever get directions anywhere? “Take the third street on the left” would cause you to turn left right away, take out a car, possibly a kid on a bike and then into a hydro line where you’ve now taken out the power for a 3 block radius. Naturally, a mob would swarm and be in search of getting your head on a stick because you just had to take out the hydro when Bieber was doing a live performance where his voice started cracking and it sounded like a dying seal, effectively ending his career. Way to go.
That head piece that you’re supposed to wear to drive the car will totally ruin your hair and you’ll show up to work with what looks like bed-head, and then your boss will wonder about you for showing up to work like that day in and out, and when your standing at the urinal willing your junk to shake itself because you forget that the mind-control doesn’t work on your penis, your boss is going to think you’re on drugs…especially when it’s pointed out to you that you’re a woman, and therefore don’t have a penis and shouldn’t be at the urinal, so now you’ve also scored yourself a reputation as a pervert who tries to check out the goods in the mens bathroom, so your boss totally fires your ass. Then you can’t pay your mortgage so you live in the mind control car and refuse to take the head-piece off at night in case you should wake up and find a gaggle (yes, a gaggle) of thugs surrounding your vehicle waiting to rob you of your car/home, and you end up running a couple of them over, but their bodies don’t slow you down enough to prevent you from driving over the edge of that cliff you parked by so that you could wake up in the morning to a beauiful view that almost made you forget that you were homeless and alone with your mind-control car.
This is possibly the worst.invention.ever.
a) I totally think about jumping off cliffs, or out of windows, and driving off bridges. Which is why I HATE that my car auto-locks when I get past 50mph.
b) I think I’d always end up at the donut shop. And I’d blame the car for listening to my daughter and not me… but really it would be me. (Don’t tell.)
c) I love visiting your blog. Why don’t I come more often? It’s like reading the madness in my head… but on the screen.
Yes. Cliffs & bridges. And then I think if my slow & painful death as well. Cone to think of it, every time I get into the damn car, I’m half expecting to die. THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
Now, if they had something for the shower…
I am vindicated! I told two friends that I had similar thoughts about driving off cliffs and bridges and they reacted the same way Victor did. Good to know i’m not alone. (They might have been a tad bit more understanding if we hadn’t been in a car at the time. Driving up mountain. Did I mention I was driving?)
You know, I’ve been thinking about this. What if you are schizophrenic? Which person would it listen to? You might never go anywhere. And if you did, you’d probably kill many people because the car would be lurching and turning every which way. It wouldn’t be good. They should not build this. I agree that this is a TERRIBLE idea. Unless they give me one for free. Then it’s a great idea, but no one else should have one, cos then I’d be *special*.
My abs totally thank you for the quick 2 minute workout they got while I was reading this and trying really hard not to laugh out loud as I’m at work and there’s an “IMPORTANT” meeting taking place across the hall in a room with a glass door.
As for the driving-off-the-road thing: yes, totally. I thought I was the only one so I’ve never mentioned it. More so with my old & crappy car (new & shiny is too new & shiny & not paid for). I don’t think I should get a mind controlled car.
Here’s the thing, My car would be perpetually stuck at Dairy Queen and then I would be all “Why is this fucking car broken down all the time?” and Craig would be like “Because you only think about ice cream 24/7 maybe you should think about going to work or the gym instead” And then of course I’d think about a beach or something (because who wants to go to work or the gym?) and it would involuntarily take me to Florida or Hawaii… umm… maybe not Hawaii. Unless it can fly. That would be awesome. Then I would move my bed into the car and just fly wherever I wanted because it would be way better than United… they always lose my luggage. UGH. I would totally love my own airline/carline.
(p.s. not only do I think about driving off a cliff or a bridge all the time I occasionally threaten it in meetings too. It seems to keep people from e-mailing me and asking me shit I don’t want to answer. Also, I sometimes imagine what would happen if the overpass I’m stuck at a red light under were to fall. just SPLAT. would I be some awesome herone that survived the unsurvivable? ZOr would I just get crushed and die? weird.)
Every time my husband and teenaged son start bickering in the car I fantasize about driving us straight into a tree. Does that mean I win? More likely it just means that I too have zero business with a mind-controlled car.
I would also drive off a cliff. Or into a tree. Or over a person who makes me feel road ragey. I’d also end up at Neiman’s alot. You know, before they hauled me off to jail for manslaughter or off to the morgue for self slaughter. I don’t think this car sounds like a good idea whatsoever.
I love the way your mind works!
What happens when:
1. you are playing Flight of the Bumblebee on your flute and the light changes to yellow?
2. you are at a stoplight and the wind lifts the skirt of an attractive woman in the crosswalk causing all your blood to rush somewhere else that suddenly cannot negotiate turns?
3. you brain does not emit brainwave instructions to your car because the part of it that drives was eaten by the zombie you picked up hitchhiking?
4. you are driving over a bridge, and even though you have had years of therapy to prevent you thinking suicidal thoughts, a Barry Manilow tune comes on the radio?
5. you pull up to an intersection where the car next to you has the bass of its stereo turned up so loud that the ground shakes and your ears begin to bleed a little, so you look over casually to see that the driver is actually an 85 pound goth chippy who is curling her eyelashes in the rear view mirror and there is a ‘baby on board’ sticker in the rear window, and you realize before you have a chance to properly edit your thoughts that Darwin’s theory of natural selection is just way too fucking slow?
yep. I have that “holy crap! all I would need to do to ruin everything right now is move my hands and my car would go right off that cliff/into that 18 wheeler/into that house/off this bridge!” every time I drive. and sometimes I panic about it until I get home. I also have OCD, I think that might have something to do with it…
Sometimes, I’m afraid to use cruise control because of I Robot. What if the car just takes over?!!
I totally picture driving off of cliffs and bridges whenever I am near one… I can’t help it. I just have a messed up imagination that immediately jumps to “worst case scenario”
Umm, Victor is SO wrong, I think about driving off cliffs, or hitting those concrete barriers in the middle of highways….. Men….. 😀
Ok first, I thought of this yesterday. Spooky or what?
If I can’t control a car with my hands and feet, I’ve got no chance with – oh, look! Shiny!
Stoopid mind-cars will be all over the place. Except the road.
So were you channeling Thelma or Louise? I’m thinking Geena Davis. However, I’m not sure which one she was.
But if I remember correctly their escapades had nothing to do with enchiladas.
I live in a the big city, so we don’t have a lot of cliffs. However, we do have terrifyingly high overpasses. I think about driving over those. And all the skid marks from other cars and tires on the embankment – that freaks me out even more. Have other people almost drove off this overpass?
As far as mind-controlled cars, I can think of other things I’d much rather have mind control over. Mostly, other people’s minds. Mwahahaha!
Definitely imagine veering off bridges and cliffs when driving on/over/near them. Think Viktor’s lying. Sorry, don’t mean to insult the man, but I think EVERYONE thinks about this—
Thanks–now I need Mexican.
Taco Cabana and enchilada’s are nothing, I often think about ramming my car into the car beside me or in front of me just because they did something stupid. How would that whole mind controll thing handle that?
Wonder if the insurance company would consider that a non fault accident, after all my mind may have wandered but it was the car itself that hit the other car? Maybe I should drive Husband’s Super Duty and leave the Prius in Manual operational mode? What do you think?
I totally think about crashing. I think the problem would arise when I see someone driving like a douche and have the urge to just smash into them. Also, that urge to slam on the brakes when someone is tailgating me.
I have been driving like that for years now. You ought to see my car. 😉
Oh yeah. You won that argument! For the record, i totally think mind-driven cars are a really, really bad idea. Also a bad idea, driving while playing the flute. But it sure would make driving while texting a moot point!
I frequently think about slamming my car into the jackasses that park their cars in the “No Parking between 4-6pm” at 5:45pm…it’s not 6 yet, so they totes deserve it. It wasn’t me…it was my mind controlled car!
I think about driving off bridges, cliffs, into one-coming traffic ALL THE TIME. I even have to compensate by gripping the wheel harder and making sure I don’t. This car would kill me for sure.
I had to google enchiladas. I think there has been an important bit of my education missing. Tasmania isn’t big on Mexican food, obviously.
My best friend in high school wanted to run pedestrians/cyclists over, we even had a point system. He wouldn’t do well in the mind control car.
I think those of us who suffer from GAD think about the cliff or bridge thing. A lot. Then there’s also the issue of the tires spontaneously falling off the car while driving. Sometimes I have to stop the car just to see if those suckers are on tight. Not everybody gets that though.
I always think about driving off a bridge, especially the 610 bridge over the ship channel. It freaks me out and I always grip the steering wheel with both hands. It also happens on any exchange that is kind of high. I always thought it was just me.
Ohh I wish we had a Taco place.
I was actually to scared to learn to drive because driving I would ALWAYS think about driving of bridges, not turning at corners, plowing over my ex boyfriend.
To battle that I started playing ‘Driver’ the game and would run over pedestrians.It’s a win win, but with no enchiladas.
Forget the cliffs or the accidents….
I need to know what happens when a guy is driving and starts thinking about sex. Cause, well, I’d venture a guess that it happens just about Every. Damn. Second. What happens then? What exactly does the car do when a man’s got sex on the brain? I’d think bridges and cliffs could be the least of our worries…..
Tacos for supper at my house. Thanks for the inspiration. Enchiladas would be too much trouble.
I forgot to mention that once upon a time I made the mistake of telling my shrink that I had a fleeting thought about driving over the edge of an overpass once. She wrote me a prescription for Celexa before I finished my sentence.
That is the stupidest looking car I have ever seen! I’m sorry, but that car is just asking to be run off the road by a giant suv. Sorry, but if you’re going to be wearing that thing on your head and looking like a giant douche you really need to be in a cooler looking car.
Whenever I’m driving I think about crashing into other peoples’ cars. But I also find I spend a lot of time thinking about not driving, and once I realize this I go, shit, where am I?! Which, with mind-control, I’m thinking could end up putting me in a time flux or another dimension or something.
Totally sounds like conversations that go on around here. Totally.
I think about driving off the bridge, too, and all my friends consider me to be one the sanest people they know. (Hmmm, what does this say about my friends?)
My opinion? Victor totally does not understand you.
I totally think of driving off a bridge or exploding in a tunnel …I just haven’t ever shared that with anyone. I’m happy to know I am not alone.
My husband just looked at me funny because I was shaking with laughter while reading. I wonder if I had a brain-car and I was driving and started giggling hysterically while thinking about a blog post what would happen, exactly?
The worst thing would be if I accidentally left my brain sensor thing on then my family went for a drive somewhere, because as soon as they’re more than one minute late coming back the car would be driving off cliffs and under buses and everything.
Then again, that gives them all the more reason to hurry back with my enchiladas.
And by under buses I meant under trucks. The buses would be driving through them.
I vividly imagine every thing horrifying happening all the time. It’s really hard to concentrate on being normal when you are looking at a kitten and you imagine it’s head being ripped off by a hawk. Or you watch a loved one drive way in Not A Mind Control Car and you start preparing for the rest of your life alone because something horrible is about to happen.
This is probably why I enjoy vodka so very much.
Oh god. Now I want enchiladas like a mofo. And for the record, I think a mind-driven car would be a terrible idea. Not because of the bridge thing, I don’t usually think about that, but because I would totally kill pedestrians. Suddenly the “ten points for the guy on the bike” game would become a homicide. :
I don’t think about jumping off bridges, but I do think about my own funeral. Does that count?
I can see the first time you got cut off in traffic, and responded by thinking “F*CK THAT CEMENT TRUCK!” Total gridlock would ensue. F*cking vehicles.
On the other hand – you could simply breed your next car.
Edt. – hahahaha. Best comment.
Wow, now I have a craving for #unexpected enchiladas — I can see that being a popular trend on Twitter!
My problem is actually *not* thinking about driving while driving and then missing my exit or accidentally driving off a cliff.
Ok, so the latter hasn’t happened yet, but it’s only a matter of time.
thanks a lot, now *I* want enchiladas….
Yeah, no one is going to give a shit about this, because I am comment 204+, but I can relate.
I have job where I often inspect buildings… and damned if I don’t want to fucking THROW myself off of the high rise roofs in Toronto, just out of sheer compulsion. We’re supposed to be harnessed to hooks (they claim for liability and wind, but I swear, it’s because they know human nature makes you want to off yourself for some unknown god-forsaken reason).
It’s eerie and overwhelming. My boss even admitted he considered it.
I ask my BF? He thinks I’m nuckin’ futs.
Wait. MORE nuckin’ futs.
You are hysterical and always make me smile.
I would just like to state for the record that when I drive over a bridge….I totally do wonder what it’s be like to suddenly veer off to the side, sending my car flying off the edge.
Butbut I totally only think about this for a split second.
What would REALLY suck for Victor is if the enchilada place was at the bottom of a cliff. DOUBLE WHAMMY.
Victor is totally wrong. EVERYBODY occasionally thinks about driving over a cliff or off a bridge. Or about slamming on their brakes to make a tail gaiter run into them so they can sue. I think about that a lot. Also, unexpected enchiladas are my favorite kind. That’s like the best night ever when you don’t know what to have for dinner and all the sudden your husband walks in with enchiladas. They taste even better because they were surprise enchiladas.
I think of horrible things all the time while driving. What if your mind you think that you want to hit the person in front of you because they are being a jack off? This is why I should not have a license.
Every time I drive by a biker, I have to suppress the urge to run him/her over. What’s up with that???
I kind of love this fight except now I want Mexican food too! WTF???
You are completely right, EVERYONE thinks about driving off the bridge as they’re driving over it. It’s just like that tiny voice that tells you to jump when you look off a tall building. And the mind control car would suck because then I’d have to actually pay attention to my surroundings, and that’s not really my thing.
PS — Unexpected enchiladas are the best kind.
This is why my husband drives when both of us are in the car….to avoid driving off cliffs, bridges etc. It just works out better this way.
I do NOT need a car that can read my mind. Especially when slow-ass people are crossing the street in front of me.
I thought I was alone in this, but I totally think about driving off bridges every time I cross one. Especially when said bridge goes over an expressway. I think about driving off the bridge and being slammed into by a semi. I have a rather active imagination, too, so it’s probably good that I don’t have one of these mind-cars. Whew! It feels good to get that off my chest!
The banter between you and Victor totally cracks me up.
I will admit that when driving along a cliff or over a tall bridge, I often envision my car speeding over the railing and doing a cool stunt, just like you might seen in an action movie. Does that make me crazy.
Great. Now I wan’t nachos, too.
Yes, there is something wonderfully wrong with you.
I love it when Victor yells at you.
I totally think about driving off cliffs or bridges all the time. Or I envision other cars bumping into mine and pushing me off the bridge/cliff. So I guess I have problems, too.
And now I totally want enchiladas.
I never think of driving over cliffs or off bridges. Paranoid driving, though, might be a problem when I am stuck between two semis on the Interstate and crave the power of levitation.
Down here in pillbilly, methbilly, and moonshine country, I dread the very idea of mind-controlled cars. These cars are better off on cruise control and automatic pilot than they would be if steered by their drivers. What has a total IQ of 32 and 32 teeth? Crowdsource at a Garth Brooks or Kenny Chesney concert.
OMG, Jenny!!! This sounds exactly like a conversation that would take place between me and my boyfriend!!! He’d be Victor, and I’d be you. (Wow … that would be a seriously freaky role-playing scene. Especially if I included nachos, thongs and an “unexpected enchilada”.)
In other news, I do the same thing with garbage bags and piles of trash on the side of the road. I’m always looking for the body underneath. Not sure if that means I need help, but I sure could use an enchilada right about now.
I am so glad I read this post. I actually thought I was the only person in the world who thought about driving my car off cliffs/bridges/into the lane of oncoming cars. It fills me with such comfort and reassurance but also scares the living shit out of me – I’ll be eyeing up other car drivers with a certain degree of paranoia from now on….
This convo combined with your facebook post on it is responsible for two things:
– My blog post today
– Painful memories that I married a man who has zero sense of adventure.
Oh THANK GOD I’m not the only one who imagines driving off a cliff! I thought I had latent suicidal tendencies. I blame the roller coaster industry.
And second.. I totally LOVE Taco Cabana. I spent a year living it Texas and that was the only thing I learned to adore about it. Best cheap Mexican food EVER and I’m from So Cal.. so not talking out my ass on that.
Third… brain powered cars.. flying cars… this seems to fit right in. http://xkcd.com/864/
Fourth.. Your conversations with Victor are the BEST!
I hate bridges because I have this feeling that the car will suddenly become sentient and suicidal all at the same moment. Same goes for my motorcycle, only that one’s worse if it’s one of those grated bridges because then you can see whatever you’re driving over and get totally distracted by that…
Ya and the driving into/off things thing, totally have those fleeting thoughts – wonder if the airbag will deploy at this speed. Wonder if they could jump on the hood, wonder what would happen if I pulled the hand brake at this speed.
And I look at those little breaks (for fire hydrants) in highway sound barriers expecting to see a limb sticking out of them…then wondering what it would feel like to drive into the wall.
I’ve had the “body in the black bag” thing going for me since the day my husband ACTUALLY FOUND A BODY (well, to be precise, it was body *parts*) IN A BLACK HEFTY BAG on the side of the road! Is he a cop? No, just some unlucky bastard who had to pullover to pee and, VIOLA! Nasty business.
1) I totally think about driving off cliffs and bridges ALL THE TIME.
2) I could not own that car a) because it really freaks me out and b) because when I get all road rage-y at other drivers being completely moronic assholes, I fantasize about having a cattle prod on the front of my car and slamming into them with it. Maybe the insurance company would buy that the car just wanted them out of its way?
I could never own that car because I would pretty much immediately crash into a huge tree and die. I don’t WANT to crash into a huge tree and die, but that doesn’t mean I don’t THINK about it whenever there’s a huge tree on the side of the road. Also, I would crash into other cars that pissed me off just because I hate them, so not only would I die but I’d probably also kill a bunch of other people.
I thought thinking about driving off things or into things was really normal and now I’m afraid to ask my boyfriend in case he puts me in a psych ward somewhere. Dammit.
OMG Jenny, I just came back from lunch and passed one of my favorite mexican places and lo an behold there was the sign as if it were a gift from a glorious pico de galo covered Angel, it was one of those moments where the sun was all sparkly and shining on the sign as if to beckon me, it said……
I know incredible HUH? http://www.ontheborder.com/
I think about randomly opening the door of the car when I’m in it more than driving off a bridge, but same concept really 🙂
On a totally unrelated note… I came across this today on the internet and it totally made me think of you!
this is kind of like when i walk to my car and there’s a stranger walking in the parking lot, i start to imagine how he is plotting to attack me and steal my car. and i begin to visualize my fake out plan once the attacker makes his move. sometimes i even overtake him with my self-defensive roundhouse kicks and karate chops. regardless of the outcome, i think my jedi mind tricks psych him out and he decides better about attacking me.
sometimes it’s boring walking to the car.
You TOTALLY won that conversation. If I had a mind controlled car it wouldn’t even stay in the lanes because I’d be looking at stuff and think…oooh maybe I should stop there and then suddenly I’d be stopped and I just think I would cause a lot of accidents.
I would have unexpected custard as well. Any place that has ‘flavor of the day’ I’d have to check out. Especially if that one place ever has coffee Oreo custard again. Holy. Crap. THAT was a good day for accidental custard.
I drive over a mountain everyday! And I always think about flying off of it all the time. Dude what if I just whoops …. you are so normal.
Cause I am so your normal…
yeah for normal people or semi normal.
LMFAO!!! Oh my gosh I died reading this. Sounds like me being impossible in a conversation, except I am not impossible, I had a point just as you did! Love it!
You are absolutely right! Everyone thinks about driving off a bridge when they think they’re diving over one. I think this may mean that you’re going to have to go drive to buy the enchiladas.
Your posts are like shots of espresso!!! They are eye popping and make you crap yourself….lmao
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This is the most I’ve laughed in months. I TOTALLY think about driving off bridges or overpasses or into those buffer barrels or whatever. And check on the bags full of bodies. I once made the mistake of asking a friend if they wonder what it would feel like to get bit by an alligator or a shark or maybe a lion. Wait? You mean that’s really only me?
Also, nachos FTW. Even better? Nacho tacos.
If you try to learn to play the flute while also using your mind to drive the car…can you do those two things at once?
Lol at “the flute was for you”
I’ve been wanting unexpected enchiladas for two days now. Two days!
I always contemplate jumping from bridges. Or ledges. I think it’s because we used to be monkeys and they do those things.
WTF? People can’t drive now using their brains AND their hands! A better idea would be to be able to just think about knowing how to play the flute and automatically know how. Better still…to be able to just think about enchiladas and they are magically delivered to you…in bed…with a margarita.
OMG! I think you are my new best friend!! This is so a conversation I would have had with my husband!! And I must agree with you on the unexpected enchiladas! I’d be late all the time, just because of the enchiladas!
I’m with you on this one! I’ve often thought of driving off a bridge or into traffic. Never to do it, but you gotta wonder what would go through your mind if say, the breaks went out!
When I was in college, I’d drive back and forth from work to school and sometimes I’d end up at my destination with absolutely no idea how I got there. I’m pretty sure during these times, my brain was shut off & I had no conscious thoughts. If I have this “mind control” car what happens then?? Do the car and I cease to exist? Do we go into non-being? Some kind of stasis? These are things scientists need to consider before unleashing these inventions to the masses.
I think ablut that all the time too. I totally thought i was normal thinking that though…… OMG and running over people….PRICELESS!!!! I have a killer recipes for chicken enchiladas…guess what’s for dinner Mr. Ken!!! Woohoo….I think my husband will now think I’m crazy tonight(not that he doesn’t already) when I ask him if he thinks about that too… My co-workers definately think i’m nuts now though.
I don’t typically think about driving off cliffs… but for some reason I do get the urge to open the door and fling myself out of the car and into traffic.
1. I think about driving off a bridge all the time. Especially when my kids are throttling each other and screaming about which one I do or don’t love more than the other and WHY can’t we go to McDonald’s today and WHY can’t I poke my brother in the eye?
2. Victor is clinically insane. This has been proven time and again (case in point, he never understood the boar head or squirrel suit. What’s to understand?!?)
3. Driving with my brain? MY brain? The one that thinks about 4,756 topics at once? (I’m quite advanced, I know.) The one that randomly thinks “Oh! My ex boy friend’s house. Wonder what he’s up to? I remember that time we went down to the park at night…” Can you see where this is going? Yes? No? Because it’s going to a park. Even though the scheduled stop was WalMart.
I totally think of getting into car wrecks all the time. Driving next to a creek? Nope, I’m nose diving my car right into the middle of it and have to fight my way out of my drowning car while sharks attack. In traffic? I’m gonna speed up and see how many other cars I can involve in my epic pinball of fire. Just to know what it’d feel like.
Some say I have a very dark and morbid sense of curiosity, other’s think it’s a sign of creativity. I’d have to agree.
You won hands down! I would totally think about driving off a cliff on the way to work if we had cliffs here. But I have to settle for thinking of driving into a ditch, which would be more of a pain in the ass than a solution.
ummm yeah, now I want a chimichanga. For the record, I couldn’t be trusted with a mind controlled car either.
OMG!! I’m gonna speed up and see how many other cars I can involve in my epic pinball of fire
I judge high school debate. Yes, you won. Awesome cross-examination.
I always think about driving off bridges! Whenever I go to San Francisco, I think about what would happen if I drove off the Golden Gate bridge and landed at the bottom of the Bay.
More often than not, I picture myself escaping from the car and swimming all the way to Alcatraz, where a confused security guard sees me doing the back stroke toward him and thinks “What the hell? We’ve never had anyone break INTO this place before!”
If only they served enchiladas there.
oh he is not autodriving me anywhere…
My very unscientific observation: it seems that it’s mostly women who think about steering to their deaths. At least among these comments. So, does that mean only women commenters are brave enough to admit their morbid thoughts? Or that men are damned liars? (Naaah, can’t be that.)
BTW, I’ve totally envisioned my car flying off a bridge or cliff or interstate ramp, but it’s usually due to mechanical failure or some douchecanoe driver who forces me off the road.
And, yes, I’m a chick. A brave, honest, mostly sane chick. Ahem.
Oh my god I died reading this. Sounds like me being impossible in a conversation, except I am not impossible, I had a point just as you did! Love it!
Yes! YES! EMPHATICALLY YES, it’s umm, normal…for me & apparently nearly 300 more of your readers.
“Hmm…I wonder what would happen if I floored it & just tried to do a “Dukes Of Hazzard” jump over this bridge that is out?”
Also…when I was young & my Mamo was driving & if us kids were fighting in the backseat..She’d say “Do you want me to drive into this tree/river/bridge whatever & kill us all?” (I answered yes, but I think it wasn’t the answer she wanted. I had to go get a switch when we got home.)
Love you Jenny, you are my inspiration, my ‘twin’ brain and I’m so glad I’m not the only crazy person in the universe. I’m thankful for all of your crazy readers too!!
I think about driving off the right side of the road and crashing. Usually when there’s a steep drop off or if I’m on a bridge. I have a whole daydream about the wreck and my funeral afterward. It’s totally fucked up. But, that’s probably because I was in a horrific car accident and we went off the right side of the road.
Of course, it does make me a more cautious driver. You should tell Victor that thinking about driving off cliffs makes you a better driver. He’ll be jealous. =]
How does Victor find these things? Did he actually ask Mr. Google ‘how can I drive with no hands?’
If I had to have a thought-controlled vehicle, I would much prefer a jet fighter. But it would have to control to thoughts in English. Because I don’t ?????? ? ??????? for shit.
Ok, those question marks? “think in Russian”. In Russian letters.
I totally think about driving off bridges! And off mountains! Just for a second, Im not really gonna do it. Its just a random, hey I could do this completely dumb thing right now, thought. Your husband is weird.
I LOVE Victor arguments. They are the best…maybe not for you, but definitely for me.
I sent my geek husband here to fix my link to comment luv, and he got completely distracted, laughing his head off at your conversation with Victor.
Win: amused husband
Lose: my link to comment luv still doesn’t work
It’s a problem on my end, not yours.
I totally have those mental pictures of driving off the road, especially at weird off ramps. Most the time when I commute, like most drivers I turn my mind off. You don’t need your brain for “the tail lights get bright = brake. the tail lights dim = foot off brake.” So….maybe it’s my commute.
What about a car that picks the enchiladas up for you while watch reruns of Three’s Company?
I call it: The Husband.
I’m sure my mind control car would fix the problem. I totally only think about this for a split second.
I’m pretty sure “Unexpected Enchiladas” has just become the name of my Fantasy Baseball Team.
Every time I try to drive on a bridge I am 100% certain I am going to drive off. That is why I don’t drive on bridges.
My brain car would totally drive off bridges.
I sometimes think of driving through guardrails or over the edges of bridges. I think the most common one is actually, “this car in front of me is driving too slow, maybe it will move faster if I ram it from behind”. Though I have also been known to consider pulling Dukes of Hazard style jump off the back of those car-carrying trucks or the random landscaping trailer that left the ramp down.
Yes, you are quite normal…or everyone I know, or who reads this blog is abnormal…which IS a distinct possibility, but would you really want it any other way??
Oh, and non-practical application of mind driven car technology:
Mini mind-controlled surgical robots for removing cancer…unless of course the doc sees a major artery and briefly considers severing it.
You and your fancy enchiladas! Chimichangas deserve a chance too! Important note: never share a mind-control car with Deadpool. Y’all would NEVER LEAVE Taco Cabana.
I don’t normally think about going off of a bridge… it’s usually “What would happened if I just didn’t hit the breaks?”… I’d say that that’s pretty close to the same thing.
I TOTALLY think about getting enchiladas from Taco Cabana while driving! And driving off a bridge. Occasionally I think about running over certain people. Plus I always want to get where I’m going faster than everyone else. I would not be allowed to drive a mind controlled car, either.
But if they get a mind-controlled television? I’m all over that!
OH my… every time I read a convo with you and V I run out of oxygen to breath, suck in hair and choke on it, cry so hard my eyes hurt, and laugh so hard I hurt myself on whatever pointy object I fall on when I fall, inevitably, out of my computer chair onto. I freaking love it.
Unexpected enchiladas! Bwahahaha!
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I know i’m late to this, BUT THANK YOU! Who doesn’t think about that… I can’t walk next to the railing on the upper floor at the mall without wondering if I will lose control/balance/my mind and plunge to my death in front of a bunch of toddlers in the play place, old walker-people, and people who should not be headed to the food court. It’s totally normal!
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