I’d laugh but I can’t stop crying.

This post sounds like I must be exaggerating for effect but I’m not.  This was an actual pitch, y’all…

Pitch: We’ll pay you $500 for a total of 175 active text links at the bottom  of 35 of your most popular blog posts.

me: Okay.  That’ll cost $43,750.

Pitch: We will pay you $400. Please confirm that we have a deal.

me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.

144 thoughts on “I’d laugh but I can’t stop crying.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I will send you $10 on paypal if I actually realize Life Ambition #331 which is to be first to comment in a Bloggess Comments thread

  2. These people ought to take over the health care debate and/or our national debt. They could do great things in politics.

  3. okay…this comment NOT intended to extend the low-level humor from Post 1 & 2, but rather to obtain your paypal addy. Feel welcome to send it to my posted email address and then erase this comment. I am happy to send $10 + $9 in long overdue appreciation for your blog thingee….cheers

  4. LMAO I got this pitch today:

    I’m with a textbook rental company called CampusBookRentals and we think you have a really great blog! I wanted to reach out quickly to see if you would be interested in partnering with us? For anyone in your life attending college – we’d be happy to offer them 50% off on their textbooks next semester in return for a blog post on renting textbooks, saving money in college, or perhaps a post about our partner, Operation Smile.

    We’ve partnered with Operation Smile and are donating over 1,000 life saving cleft lip surgeries this year to children in need. Check us out at CampusBookRentals and let me know if you’re interested – we’d really love to work with you!

    Thank you kindly,
    -Angela

    p.s. If neither of those work for you, we’re also happy to send you a complimentary chocolate-covered fruit basket!

    I think I’m I opting for the chocolate on this one.

    Soooo, where was this company located that 175 text links is only worth 400 smackers? I think 43K is under selling yourself, Jenny. An even 50K is more in your ballpark. 🙂

    PS: Did they respond back yet?

  5. I wish people would offer me $500 for links on my 35 most popular posts.

    Wait. I only have two posts so far. How long would it take for them to realize I ripped them off?

  6. Was $43,750 a random number? I can’t do the math.

    But you have given me an excellent idea. If I ever get an offer like this, I’m going to quote $43,560 and tell them that I get paid by the acre.

  7. Maybe they were pitching you from 1802, so $400 is a shitload of money. You’re just being greedy. And anti-time travely.

  8. Probably kinda preachy for me to note that God obviously intended me to make that first post so I could then make my $19 pitches.

    Not saying She loves any of the rest of you any less, but what else can explain how a grown man watching Game 7 NHL Playoff game would at The Very Right Moment open up a blog thingee hosted by an extremely non-hockey fan lady in Texas??

    Praise Bob!

  9. I think that guy tried to buy my house last month.

    FYI, even if you do say yes in a moment of desperation, he can’t get fucking financing ANYWAY.

    I heard.

  10. Well now your response was ill advised. They will certainly be sending you a confirmation and a payment of $200, which will only cover the partial taxidermy of a nutria. And what are you going to do with a stuffed nutria missing it’s eyes and tongue?

  11. I have to admit, I thought I was pretty good at math, and I don’t understand that one. And 175 links? Sheesh! I’m glad I don’t get PR pitches. Let my blog stay small and inconspicuous!

  12. What kind of fucking pitch is that? This isn’t volunteer work…but Chelsie is right, that is a shit load of Xanax…

  13. I never thought it was possible to best my piss poor math skills. Yet, I think it’s finally happened. We really should celebrate.

    And they never said what…like, “we will pay you $400…”
    To…what? Respond? Because hell, that’d be worth it.

    (I may suck at math…but I’ll bury you in the details.)

  14. I concur on the “maybe math wasn’t their best subject in school” commenters. I talk public school a long time and really, most kids might as well resign themselves to be a scam artist’s wet dream b/c they have no money sense at all.

  15. Now I need to check this. 175 links on each of the 35 posts or 175 links spread out over 35 posts? Wow, that outsourcing is really going well for companies, isn’t it?

  16. Well, not to argue with you m’lady but that’s how negotiation works in our house. “You have 10 minutes to clean up your room.” “But mom…” “9 minutes.” “That’s not fair!” “8 minutes.”

    Wow. Now that I wrote it down, I sounded like a kidnapper or a terrorist… My poor kids. They’ll need plenty of therapy won’t they?

  17. Oh, wow. My last blog post automatically tagged to the end of my comment. That’s never happened before. Now I just look like a dick for posting my blog twice.

    Sigh. I suck.

  18. Like they say about the Grammy’s/Emmy’s/enter name of award here, isn’t it just an honor to be asked? Ha! Maybe the person negotiating this deal took the brains left from the taxidermied (sp) cowboy squirrels!!

  19. Dear Bloggess,

    I’d like to pay you $.99 to write 50 posts on how awesome my product is and why we’d be better off if we had evolved from kangaroos. Additionally, I’ll pay you $6.00 for world peace, but I will also expect a foot rub and 3000 text links all on one post.

    Sincerely,
    Ima Asshat

  20. We will pay you in empty cans and end-of-shift leftover burgers if you fill your entire blog with links to our product. As an added bonus ,your million readers can have the benefit of being redirected to our site! But wait there’s more! If you change your photo to a photo of our product, we will give you a mention on our site! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?!

  21. Their next offer: “We are willing to let you pay us $5000 to advertise on your blog. If that’s not enough incentive, we’ll also kick a puppy for just 5 bucks. That’s a great deal because we usually do it for free every morning.”

  22. yikes. clearly they don’t know who they’re jerking around. did you send them to the high-res photo of whil??

  23. Why doesn’t someone pitch my blog? Oh, yeah, because I’m not even 1/10000000th as popular as you. Damn those pr people for pointing it out in such an “ignoring me” sort of way.

  24. Wait I just actually stopped and thought about this and it really seems like that’s a lot of links. 175 links per post? Or, like, 175 divided up into 35 posts? That’s still kind of excessive. Y’know what? I don’t want anyone to offer me $500 for that. Nevermind. If they ever do I will direct them to the Wil Wheaton Collating Papers picture. Are we allowed to use that too? Or is it only for you?

    Dammit.

  25. I know, they had their five year old pick a number out of a hat and then decided to offer you that amount. Could be the ONLY possible reason for the next offer being a hundred dollars less. I can see it now. “Here Johnny, I proposing something to The Bloggess and I cannot possibly figure out how much to pay her. I wrote down some numbers and threw in this hat here. Can you be a dear and reach in and grab one?” Little Johnny reaches in and bingo, 500 smackers for The Bloggess. A little while later, they see $500 was a no go. “Johnny, The Bloggess wasn’t happy with our offer, can you try again?” Yes, $400, this will be the one! Hmm, maybe three times will be the charm. Or maybe they’ll hock Little Johnny to get the rest.

  26. Maybe the second offer was actually a peace offering?

    After all it says “We will pay you $400. Please confirm that was have a deal”
    INAL, but this second deal had no stipulation of you giving anything in return, other than to confirm they can “pay you $400”.

    OOOOH, maybe THAT’s why you didn’t get Nathan FIllion to give you the picture! You raised the amount instead of lowering it!!! OFFER HIM LESS!

  27. Um, my astounding mathematical ability determines that $400 is less than $500. I bet they would have gone all the way up to $300 if you’d tossed in that Wil Wheaton picture!

  28. With math skills like that you probably could have gotten away with a dozen or so links spread over half a dozen posts and still received some kind of payment. However, the payment might have been reduced to $200…or pocket lint and random stuff from the back of some desk drawer. Maybe not a great idea after all!

  29. Start replying with random movie quotes: “Slider, you stink.” “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”

  30. Ummmmm….. Maybe they thought you were just playing hard to get?

    I don’t know. It seems far more likely that they are simply mentally challenged. (That’s still the nice term for “retarded,” right?)

  31. I think I talked to the same guy! Did he also try to tell you that you should do it as a favour because he was new at his job and didn’t want his boss to get mad at him?

    Yeah. I wished him well in his new career.

  32. @Hi, I’m Natalie – what would be the awesomenest? If they were taxidermied, and dressed in high school marching band uniforms. Of Beefeaters. Because a goat dressed up as a Beefeater would be truly awesome.

    ~EdT.

  33. And I thought Hi-Balling was something you did at the American Legion bar around 1am, or possibly a new porn fetish.

    I think this guy has a future as a US Government budget accountant.

  34. This is no negotiation. It is an offer of engagement. What I can’t figure out is whether it is direct or arranged.

    However you proceed, do not tell him how many cows you own.

  35. sweet gentleness. HA.

    I got a pitch last night addressed to “Kelly.”

    My name isn’t Kelly. It’s not even “Katie,” which is kind of close to Kelly.

    In fact, I’m a little surprised that PR companies have about 3 names they could choose from – Beth Anne (my real name), BA (my nickname), or Blair (my pen name). Yet they chose Kelly?

  36. When I grow up I wanna be an advertising pitch monkey!

    If you mention tampons in your next 20 posts, we’ll send you a basket of half eaten pastries!!

    You say you want money? You are one shrew businessman Jimmy..fine we’ll throw in a large man dressed as a clown that will come to your house and laugh in your face daily, how does that sound Roger?

  37. Do you suppose there are some cmpanies who are on to you? They have designated teams of PR people who concoct crazy shit just to mess with you? It kinda sounds like a cool position if you think about it.

  38. The pitch sounds like it might be for my kind of product! Advertising is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I don’t understand how these pitches work but it sounds like they want to put five links at the bottom of 35 of your most popular posts. So after your post, it would look something like:

    Buy baconators!
    Eat some baconators today!
    Don’t you want to try a baconator?
    Wouldn’t a baconator be good right about now?
    MMMMMMM! Baconators!

    That’s a really effective technique.

  39. Ha Ha !! You would think they would be embarrassed to even write crap like that.
    (btw..today is my one year blogiversary.. just had to tell ya!)

  40. You need to stop corrosponding with dumbasses. They are starting to piss me off. Or, you could start a page for lame pitches, and we could vote on the worst, and hopefully they would be so humiliated they would go underground and we wouldn’t have to know they existed. Hey, maybe you could have one stuffed???

  41. I got this. This is what you need to do. You need to reply via telegram:

    Dear Dumb Shit -stop-
    Can’t accept $400 -stop-
    You’re bat shit crazy -stop-
    I’m the mother f-in Bloggess -stop-
    Suggest you take the $400 and get screwed -stop-

    Sincerely,
    The (Mother F-in) Bloggess

  42. Is the tampon pastries offer still open at this hour?? We’ll put it on display next to the diverse scotch tape offerings.

  43. Wow…this was how the car salespeople were.

    Them: $14,000!
    Me: I can afford $12,000.
    Them: $15,000!
    Me: Does this ever actually work for you?
    Them: $15,500! That’s our final offer!
    Me: Maybe math just doesn’t work the way I remember.

  44. @subWOW- Nah. That’s exactly how my Mom negotiated too, and I managed to get by without therapy…probably because that’s how my mom taught us about these things called rules and consequences.

    @nomiss- There’s already a website for that…http://clientsfromhell.net/ It’s like notalwaysright.com, but for people that make and host websites.

  45. Send them my way. I just got my Glitter Gang Banger Skull ring in the mail, which totall means I need to make another kill.

    *cracks knuckles* *spits on floor*

    I’ll show ’em how I negotiate.

  46. I’m actually very good at negotiation. My second last employer told me so…right before they fired my ass. Life at work can be such a bitch. BTW, Steve from Clearwater is a stitch.

  47. Perhaps they were hoping you didn’t know how negotiations and math work either. Maybe they’re just confused about the whole concept of buying advertising. Although, if that is the case I’ll have to go with the courts on this one “ignorance of the law is not an excuse” at least according to the last judge I talked to.

  48. I read the sales pitch as though “Peggy” from the Discover Card commercials is trying to woo you. That way it makes perfect sense, no?

  49. They didn’t even realize you offered them half of their original offer: $500/link for 175 links is $87,500. $43,750 is a steal.

  50. Ha ha, I fear that would make me just say yes alas. For the comedy purposes I would have caved… please tell me this was a joke on their part though.

  51. Maybe the negotiator took classes from my son?
    Me: Time out. 2 minutes!
    Him: No! 10 minutes!
    Me: Done.
    Him: (self satisfied smile)

  52. Since you couldn’t tell us what company it was who made this kind of offer, I can only suspect it was a porn-related link. This is how they work…

    They offer a “rate” to an amateur porn star. If she turns it down, then they lower their offer. The amateur porn star thinks that their market value has suddenly decreased and that they better accept the next offer before they’re replaced by an 18 year old who just got a new set of bigger, perkier implants from her sugar-daddy.

    Works every time…

  53. This recent experience of yours only confirms how much I truly despise everyone—except you. And all my readers and my children and….okay, maybe it just confirmed how much I despise assholes.

    Yeah, that’s it…assholes.

  54. there’s a blessing and a curse in being a hot commodity. i’d take $400 to stand naked in church. but i’m a whore.

  55. Jeez! The first time I read this I misread it and didn’t realize they went DOWN a hundred with their comeback offer. LOL! Great reply, Jenny.

  56. Dear Lord, only you….onllllly you. I seriously love these stories EVERY TIME. When my company has marketing meetings sometimes I bring them, just in case someone asks me for my input on what NOT to do. No one has asked yet, but I know, I know it’s going to happen and I’m sure as hell am going to be prepared! (Also, why I always have a loaded shotgun, Zombie Apocalypse could always be just around the corner)

    http://shockinglythesame.blogspot.com/

  57. This is why grammar is important. If they were going to pay you a total of $500 for a 175 links at the bottom of your 35 most popular blogs; instead of $500 per 175 links per blog. Yeah. I think you almost have the makings for a legal contract ma’am, though I am not an attorney nor am I a person who knows anything about law. You should look it up, that’s all i’m sayin’.

  58. Oh, brother. Do they even realize how long it would take to add all those freaking links? The blogosphere gets ballsier and ballsier (oh how nice, my browser accepted the word “ballsier.” Awesome.)

    BALLS!

  59. I’ll pay you $200 plus a big basket full of really cool stuff I find around my house. Please confirm we have a deal.

  60. I just got the bigger picture: you as a one-woman soldier against the ridiculous non-responses and non-humanity of Corporate America.

    Long live the Amazon! (not the company)

  61. Haha. I’m planning a wedding (because I love punishment) and the conversations are pretty much the same.
    I can spend $300
    Great! We can help you out for the low, low fee of 23,821 dollars and 83 cents
    23,821 dollars is out of my budget.
    Great! Look forward to working with you. P.S. 83 cents.

  62. This is another pathetic attempt at bullying in business. I personally encounter a lot of unemployed self-proclaimed consultants who ask me about my business and then trash everything I say to bully me into hiring them. Normally, I would answer back in the same style but with the economy being down and all, I hold it back because they might be homeless and all.

  63. Dear TheBloggess,
    I would like to offer you the exciting opportunity to feature my product on your blog, Mabel. I will pay you in the discarded Kleenex of your choice and your reads will be able to enter a contest to win a coupon for crumpled Post-Its. Many other bloggers are competing for this exclusive offer, so act fast! I look forward to working with you, Kevin.
    Don’t worry – if I do not hear from you in a few days, I make sure to invoice you immediately for $500.
    Sincerely,
    Robin

  64. According to my math, you *should* have charged them $87,500. You were actually giving them a totally sweet deal, the ungrateful bastards.

  65. I got one from the Love Sac and they were pushing alternative furniture and were giving me a box of chocolates for posting…and somehow, you always beat me with the craziness….you go girl

  66. I had the exact same email exchange! My prices are not the as your obviously, but yeah, basically the same conversation.

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