If my t-shirt got your baby stolen then I apologize (on behalf of the t-shirt).

Ok, so last week I made this shirt for cats to wear.

I made it for cats who don’t want to wear your damn shirts.

But they didn’t have any cat models at my online store so instead I used a baby but then I photo-shopped my cats face on it for my blog because I was like “Who is going to find this shirt without first going through my blog?  No one, obviously.”  But turns out that “Shirley from Florida” found it and was not amused and went to the trouble to look me up, which honestly is probably not that much trouble considering that my store has my picture and name all over it.  She was actually quite nice and explained that this shirt was terribly inappropriate and I was all “Okay, technically you’re right because it’s labeled as G-rated even though it clearly has lots of profanity on it, but the target audience for the shirt can’t read anyway so I’m not too worried.  Plus, it’s less of an ad for a shirt, and more of an ad about why you shouldn’t buy that shirt” and then she explained that she was more concerned with the fact that I was selling a shirt for babies that told people to undress them and also said “Please steal me” on the back and that’s when I realized that she had no idea this shirt was for cats (even though it CLEARLY says it’s for cats in the title).  Still, she had a point and I don’t want to be responsible for someone accidentally buying a shirt for their baby that promotes them getting kidnapped so I went back to the drawing board and found out that zazzle totally does have pet clothes.   Which would be awesome except they don’t have any cat models and they only let you write stuff on one side of the shirt so I can’t even get my whole message across because dog bellies are too small to write t-shirt slogans on, apparently.  Also, the item description written by zazzle goes on and on about the stitching on the “leg holes” and it’s a shirt.  I’m pretty sure shirts don’t have leg-holes, zazzle. Now we’re all confused.

Also, this shirt seems *way* too tight. This feels like an American Apparel ad and now I'm uncomfortable.

PS.  Victor says they probably wrote “leg-holes” because “dogs don’t have arms”.  And this is exactly why Victor isn’t allowed to pick out pets without me.  Because he’d come home with an armless dog and think that was totally normal.  I don’t have time to take care of an armless dog, you guys.  I can barely take care of myself.

PPS.  It is possible that zazzle doesn’t offer cat models simply because they agree with my initial idea that cats shouldn’t wear t-shirts.  So, I guess, touche, Zazzle.  Also, I want to point out that Zazzle does not pay me for all this advertising because I’m not a whore. Except that Zazzle is a company I’m using to sell merchandise.  So I guess I am a whore.  One that isn’t very good with business deals.

PPPS.  Dear Zazzle: You owe me like a billion dollars in advertising.

137 thoughts on “If my t-shirt got your baby stolen then I apologize (on behalf of the t-shirt).

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Maybe you could make one that IS for children, but says “Stop injecting my face with Botox, Mom. Someone please steal me.” Surely Shirley wouldn’t object to that. Right?

  2. Wow, that’s a lot of trouble to go through to give you shit about something you didn’t even know you were doing. Way to go “Shirley in Florida”, you’re more productive than me!

  3. Ok, you’re right. The message clearly is lost on a dog who is wearing a shirt that should be for a cat. Dogs SO don’t have the attitude to pull off that shirt.

  4. I feel like if you are dumb enough to buy a shirt for your baby that says “please steal me” you *might* deserve to have your baby stolen. At least the thief would be good at following written directions, and that is a start.

  5. On behalf of all Floridians, I apologize for Shirley. People in Florida have a lot of time on their hands. Unless they are pets, and then they don’t have hands, they have paws. But I bet Victor could have totally told you that. They’ve got a lot of time on their paws.

  6. I think they just call a broke whore who’s bad at business deals a “slut”. So by that logic (?) you’re a zazzle-slut.
    Which totally makes me want to use jazz hands when I say it. So I think that’s a WIN, right?

  7. It is very wrong that I love knowing that Zazzle has shirts for pets. I know that. Now I just have to decide if I’m an ethical person with sympathy for my herd of pets or not. I’m thinking not.

  8. Shirley, Life. Life, Shirley. And Shirley, here’s your coupon:

    GOOD FOR ONE CLUE. (but only one.)

  9. If I was a kidnapper I totally wouldn’t nap the kid wearing a shirt that said, “Someone please steal me.” I’d pretty much assume it was a setup, even though that would be entrapment.

  10. To make writing on the front of the T-shirt worthwhile, you’d need to teach your dog to walk on just his back legs. And that would be ridiculous. PLUS he’d be wearing that shirt…double ridiculous. He’s seriously need to be stolen then.

  11. Maybe you should team up with Shirley and have her handle your advertising contract with Zazzle. Sounds like she’s on top of the situation.

    P.S. I love the American Apparel reference.
    P.P.S. They owe you for advertising too.

  12. The dog one is completely inappropriate as well. It says asshole and both pictures show the dog sitting in a manner that seems like his little doggy asshole is touching the floor. So really, the slogan should be printed on carpet and say “Get this fucking asshole off me right now, asshole.” That should keep it from offending anyone. Until you have guests standing on the carpet and they think it’s about them. Ooh! That would make a good doormat. “Get off me, asshole.”

  13. And now I’m thinking Zazzle doesn’t have cat’s model their shirts because they couldn’t find any armless cats . . .

    I should have learned by now not to be drinking beverages when reading your blog!

  14. Why can’t you make a shirt with “Please steal me on it”? I have seen much worse on the children’s clothing racks. What about the 6 year old girl with flirt across her chest? Or Juicy on her butt? Or any other suggestive lettering across her body parts?

    “Shirley from Florida” needs to go after the people who are making clothing for children not innocents like The Bloggess. Dumb.

    I have stepped off of my soapbox now.


  15. But see, if you said, “If this shirt isn’t on an animal, tell the person dressing me he’s a fucking moron,” you’d have to include some fine print to define “animal” so you don’t sound like you’re some idiot politician from Florida. This will further exascerbate the space issue.

    I’ve seen cool little wheelie scooters for dogs with no legs (the back two) but not arms. You could make a zillion with an armless dog sideshow act doing tricks with a front-end wheelie scooter.

    To think Victor is showing more vision here than you, Jenny. The scooter could include a holder for you meds, an emergency flask, a pop-up anxiety time-out tent with disguise wardrobe, and a propulsion device powered by jet fuel when you just need to get the hell outa here. Add more to the zillions with such a grand exit.

  16. Wow, if this kind of stuff happened to me, I’d have a LOT more interesting material to blog about. Clearly, I’m doing something wrong.

  17. I’d like to see a shirt for babies that says SHIRLEY DOES NOT HAVE A VERY FIRM GRIP ON THE CONCEPT OF HUMOR on the front, and SHIRLEY PROMOTES THE STEALING OF PETS BUT NOT BABIES on the back.

    You don’t have to include her last name or her phone number or anything.

  18. I think you’re going about this the wrong way. You SHOULD be designing a shirt for Shirley from Florida. Maybe Hallmark will let you use Maxine, since I’m pretty sure she and Shirley are sisters.

    Kudos to Shirley who is not smart enough to recognize a joke, but CAN use a computer ALL. BY. HERSELF!

  19. So, my 3 year-old-twins said, “Huh!?!?!?!?” when they saw the dog in the shirt. Then they saw the cat and said, “Show us more animals in shirts!”

    Dear God, what is wrong with my children??!?!?!?

  20. I don’t know, it’s a terrible day when a concerned blogger can’t make a shirt telling people not to put shirts on cats without getting Floridians doing an ass dance on them.

    Also, seems pretty safe to me, to have an ‘armless dog.

    No, I’m not sorry and yes, it WOULD have killed me to have kept that to myself.

  21. I also agree about not having time for limbless pets, but I actually have one right now, and I concur: It is extremely time consuming. I have a fingerless baby chicken. Yes, chickens have little phalanges, and a cat bit one of them off, and its sad and pathetic and I just don’t have time for it, but how do you tell a maimed baby chicken to piss off????

  22. Proof that “Shirley in Florida” has way, way too much time on her hands and not enough going on upstairs. *Maybe* she could go back to school…

  23. I am not Shirley from Florida but she always seems to be searching for me on MyLife. I think she is a weird psycho stalker who steals babies regulary which is why your shirt upset her. Maybe she is worried that the supply of babies to steal will be depleted if babies weat this shirt..
    BTW If I was ever going to buy a shirt for my cat not to wear it would be this one!

  24. Obviously Shirley from Florida is one of the many people suffering from unemployment in the state. Although I think it’s safe to say that her situation may be due in large part to a lack of basic reading comprehension skills, and can’t be blamed completely on economic conditions.

    At least our crappy education system bought me a laugh. Now I just have to figure out his to pay for private school.

  25. Maybe “shirly from florida” was looking for a shirt for her cat!!! And that is how she stumbled upon your awesome idea!!

    BTW….i was cracking up at your whole shirt idea and post, and then reading the comments made me laugh even harder. I LOVE your readers and commenters!!! LOL!!! This was perfect for a monday morning!!!

  26. I have two Zazzle stores but they’re not actually stores yet. Because I haven’t actually uploaded any designs yet.

    I have to get busy. That’s what this has taught me.

  27. So, being a total Bloggess addict, I read this on my smartphone while still in bed and it made me snort with laughter which woke my husband from his much-needed rest.

    Thanks a lot, Shirley. If he divorces me now I’m coming to live with you and bringing all my 20 lb., shirtless cats. Not that I have any. BUT I CAN GET SOME. I need something to replace all the babies that were mysteriously stolen from me…

    They’re at your house, aren’t they, Shirley?

  28. Shirley should start a web campaign against animal indecency. I blogged an open letter to Animal Planet once about how they shouldn’t show so many dog butts on TV but they never got in touch with me about my proposed solutions.

  29. If I saw a baby wearing a t-shirt that said “please steal me” I would assume that the child was not a good sleeper and had a problem with regular projectile vomiting.

    Also, my dog totally has arms.

  30. Actually, if someone was following the directions from the front of the shirt they would have removed the shirt from the child/cat/dog and would then not be able to read the back of the shirt which said to steal them. Or have someone else steal them. So, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal unless you are completely opposed to naked cats and kids. And dogs.

  31. Nice….! Wow. People r stupid. Sory, no offence stupid peopl. But even though it was an ad directed toward cats i have to say id b pretty twisted to with the use of a baby. However, i would put a shirt on my cat! Does that make me weird? And yes dogs dont have arms. Yet the leg holes would b called arm holes to all u smart dumba*#es or translated *front leg* holes. Wouldnt worry bout reading the under belly even though its just a belly.. U cant read it anyway. PS…. If u did bring home an armless dog. Ya wouldnt b that horrific cause it would still have 4 legs! Countem 1..2..3..4! Its those damn leggless dogs u gota worry about. Have a blessed day.

  32. So it must be a cruel joke that I dressed my both of my baby girls in the shirts, only to have them stolen, held for ransom, and then when I forked over the $100 worth of red vines (don’t ask), all that were returned to me were two cats. And they were boys.

    Do you have Shirley’s address? Maybe she has something to do with this.

  33. Hi Bloggess!
    Just gotta say that I’m a fairly new reader, but am TOTALLY hooked on your blog…my first coffee after my 5yo goes to pre-school just wouldn’t be the same without it. And, gotta say – your commenters are frickin AWESOME.

    My son would SO ask me to buy one of those shirts for our 3mo, just because it’s on a dog and even tho he can’t read what it says! Could you possiblyl make one in a boys 6 that says “No, my parents don’t beat me, I just keep forgetting that all the crazy shit I do beats the crap out of me”?

    Shirley sounds like she’d be as much fun as nuclear fallout.

  34. I think I have found my new baby shower present all thanks to a humorless Floridian. Really though the shirt does say “animal” on it what person would put that on their child. (well other them me but just for like one or two pictures–I don’t have any kids) This womans insane lack of humor has distracted me from my shitty morning so I guess I can thank her for that.

  35. @Karen- Thanks for the earworm…

    *serenades Jenny ala Blood, Sweat, and Tears: You make me soooo very happy! I’m so glad youuuu came in to my liiiiiife!*

  36. Shirley sounds like a sick faulking pervert. WHO looks at that T and thinks the things she thinks? Sick Faulking perverts, that’s who. I am calling for the revocation of your apology. geebus cripes.

  37. I’m watching the news day and night to see if “The Bloggess” is mentioned in any baby-nappings. Not to be confused with “baby napping.” There is a difference.

  38. Word, Jon. Word.

    Actually Victor, a dog has knees on his rear appendages and elbows on his front appendages. I’m pretty sure you can do the rest of the math on your own. Unless it’s new math. If you use new math, we’re all wrong. But in this case, we’re not using new math, and you’re the only one who’s wrong. Because elbows = ARMS, Victor!

  39. Lol that is funny, what is the world coming to! If you don’t like something then don’t look, surely if Shirley can’t read the title she shouldn’t have any right to complain!

  40. It sounds like Shirley was trying to be very nice so I am not going to pick on her. It would be different is Shirley had been an asshat about it. I believe Amnesty International would have to get involved it someone was ever mean to The Bloggess and her cadre of commenters got hold of that info. I hear William Shatner is still in therapy for blocking her, whereas Wil Wheaton has gotten several Unicorns.

  41. Just like to take this time to thank you, Bloggess. I’ve learned more here about inappropriately dressing animals in the past week than I have in ten years of therapy working on revealing my repressed memories from childhood. Hindsight is a fickle beast.

  42. I like that out of all the crazy ass things to come out of Jenny’s mouth (blog?), she chooses to pick a bone about this one. I could find at least 15 other examples of bonafide crazytown/partially-to-terribly “offensive” material on this blog in about 5 seconds, and she picks the SHIRT?

    PS – is anyone else picturing Shirley from “Community” in this scenario?

  43. Shirley from Florida should really get a life. I love the no shirts for cats idea. If my husband ever lets me get a cat I definitely will not put it in a shirt. Ever.

  44. Shirley would be appalled to know that my 6-year old just learned the words “fucking” and “asshole” by reading your blog over my shoulder while I wasn’t paying attention. The XBOX was supposed to be occupying his attention.

  45. Well, we may all want to berate poor Shirley, but personally, she helped Jenny make me laugh on a Monday. Thumbs up from me, Shirley… Hey, maybe she’ll become a reader and loosen up, there may be hope for Shirley!!!

  46. I totally agree with the text of the t-shirt!!

    I can’t stand animals dressed like dolls ! 🙂

    ps: as usual I am laughing…

  47. I knew it was for cats, but still thought it was much funnier and waaaay more inappropriate as a baby shirt.

  48. I’m going to buy a t-shirt for my daughter’s baby that says “My parents suck. Please steal me.” And then I’m going to steal him and claim it was totally because the shirt told me to. And really, he’s not even born yet, so his parents might not suck. I just want to steal him. This makes total sense to you, right?


  49. When I see these poor dogs with their stupid human outfits i really just wanna grab them, take it off and scream “run for your life”…but i just keep on walking

  50. You inspired me so I opened a Zazzle store a couple of weeks ago. It has one item, a bumper sticker that reads, “It is a more man, indeed, who must purchase testicles.” Which was an actual blog comment on a post that I thought was hilarious. Not as hilarious as cat shirts or this posts, but still funny all the same.

  51. Jenny, can you make my heart surgeon a shirt that says, ” I punched an anesthesiologist in the dick” because I am sure he did, right after I got done ripping his nuts off because I wasn’t asleep when he started the procedure. I think he when we saw him later he had a bag of frozen peas in his pants, I liked him too he was Italian. Or I could have been really hungry because I like Italian food. either way. I don’t think he can have children now, but I would like to send him something nice for not killing me.

  52. Victor is drinking bong water! A dog, maybe. Ok fine. But what.a.bout Ferris Mewler?! Ferris Mewler has arms. Legs do not have thumbs. Just so we’re clear.

  53. I wonder if “Fucking with The Bloggess and messing up her whole ‘no clothes for cats’ campaign” was on Shirley’s list of #MyGoalsForTheNextWeek. Find some new goals, Shirley. Be a productive member of society.

  54. Cheryl’s (#49) 5yo son and my 4yo daughter are cosmic twins. I would also buy the “it’s the crazy shit I do that gets me all these bruises” shirt. The back would need to say, “I enjoy yelling for help so that strangers think my mom is a kidnapper.” I hate it when her brother is DONE at the park and she decides she isn’t. Embarrassing. I really need a t-shirt to solve this problem, Jenny.

  55. I’m still confused on how she thought it was for babies…how did she miss the giant cat head? I mean, wouldn’t it make more sense to reprimand you for selling shirts directed towards Bast?

  56. I don’t think anyone’s pointed out this FACT yet, but kittens are just furry babies. So, in essence, you ARE advocating child theft.

  57. Dogs do so have arms, what does Victor think they wave around every time you tell them to “shake?” Although technically it’s possible to “shake a leg” so I think my argument just fell apart.

  58. YES! A Shirley Shirt! The Shirtley.

    It could have a picture of a stern lady’s face, with a finger pointed at you, and the caption could say,


  59. Although I am against animals of any kind wearing t-shirts, it doesn’t seem as bad with the dog wearing it. Dogs are not at all opposed to looking stupid. Cats, however, like to look way cooler than everyone else and are probably totally mortified when forced to wear clothing.

  60. The most concerning thing to me about this WHOLE thing, is the fact that this lady took the time out of her day to email you saying it wasn’t appropriate.

    Who has that much time on their hands??

  61. you can’t make everyone happy.
    we’re the only ones that really matter ANYWAY, so shirley can learn to use her lateral thinking skills and find something better to do than disaprove of a shirt that clearly does not involve her.

  62. Why is *always* a Shirley from Florida that messes up the fun for everyone??? I’m beginning to think we should seriously restrict internet access to certain people from Florida.

  63. My husband says you should make a “Please do not steal this baby” t-shirt in response. I think it will be just as effective as a t-shirt imploring strangers to steal the baby.

  64. I hope you learned a valuable lesson from Shirley: A sense of humor is imperative. Think about how lame it would be to have no sense of humor. Poor poor Shirleys of the world. They must all have severe frown lines from all the judging and scolding. Maybe Shirley needs a shirt that says “I may need Botox, but you need to be more careful”

  65. Shirley should go sit on a kitten, bareassed, and rotate.

  66. What does it say about me that the only thing that baffles me about this post *isn’t* Shirley and her diligent quest to save babies from nudity and kidnapping due to poor parental clothing choices, but the fact that the photo of the dog wasn’t photoshopped to have Ferris Mewler’s face on it? And possibly his tail. Because that would just be logical.

  67. Oh great, now I can’t get this picture of a baby as a dom in some sort of S&M thing. Or a certain other kind of role-play for the other shirt (vomit). THANKS, Shirley.

    In case any authorities find this, I am not a paedophile. Neither is Jenny. I can’t vouch for all the other commenters, or Shirley, but these shirts are still way better than some of the sketchy crap sold as “humorous baby clothing”.

  68. Pingback: Storage Blog
  69. maybe we want our baby’s stolen? I wouldn’t mind mine stolen… then I can drink as much as I want without worries of tripping over a child in a drunken stupor…

  70. I think anyone who would take a baby based on what its shirt says is not good people and probably not one who would abide by shirt warnings. For example, if a baby wears a shirt that says, “Do not take me!” I doubt the person who would take a baby would be all “Foiled again! Damn you, cotton fortress!”

    P.S. I’m at a nudist resort and would love one of those shirts. If they do really get rid of babies, I’ll take a box. I would also like one that says, “Hand me ten one hundred dollar bills and then poke yourself in the eye with a spork.” Thank you.

  71. I wonder how Shirley even found that shirt to begin with? Anyway, I feel like the dog model seems a little embarrassed by the whole thing, which is perfect. Good work!

  72. “Shirley should go sit on a kitten, bareassed, and rotate.” What does Doug (comment 90) have against kittens?! They don’t deserve Shirley’s naked tight-ass-itude (or literal ass) squashing them into furry pancakes!

    This Floridian (me!) totally got the joke and is very glad there are no Shirleys in her circle of friends and acquaintances. Not all of us in the Sunshine State are here “for a reason”… or at least not for the same reason.

    Love the Bloggess!

  73. Well THANK GOD, because this explains why someone named Shirley from Florida stole my baby today.

    And? Looked at my t-shirt, it appears I really AM with Stupid.

  74. Actually, I kinda want an adult-sized version of the original shirt. With the words on both sides. And a variety of animal masks to wear ALL THE TIME. Well, all the time that I’m wearing the shirt. I’d look like a grown-up version of the baby in the first picture.

    Also Shirley probably has 30 cats and they all have t-shirts on. This wasn’t about babies; she’s just your #1 enemy in the fight against cat clothes.

  75. You kill me every time, my favorite part was this “So I guess I am a whore. One that isn’t very good with business deals”.

  76. Um… yeah never thought I’d actually ever leave a comment. Not because I think I’m not able to comment but because in the grand scheme of blogging world I’m very new to it. Practically a virgin. Well I’m that too… but that is not the point of this post. But anyways I really have only been reading and being entertained by blogs for about 3 or so months. A friend told me about another blog – I won’t mention here, because I really don’t know the etiquette of this… But back to the point.

    Through that blog I got connected to your blog as it was one of her favorites. And so I started reading you almost daily. And since you write quite often (in comparison to the other blog I was following) I was excited. Not to mention that I totally relate to the way you think. I’d get into certain posts that just were perfect – however this comment is getting too long and I haven’t even said my point.

    So where was I… Oh yeah! Then I realized you had years of archives! OH MY GOD. Pay dirt. Mother load. I was excited. So I started reading as far back in your archives as possible. And I started going through them from the beginning getting closer and closer to present day (meanwhile keeping up with your current blogs). TONIGHT I realized I was just a few months away from doing it, to getting to present day! It had taken me, well let’s say a little over a month, but really I don’t know because I haven’t been really keeping that detailed of track. It was hard enough trying to remember each day what month and year I left off on so that I wasn’t reading a repeat or missing any blogs. So back to TONIGHT, I had this pang. Oh no! I’m so close to being done and then what? I’ll just have to wait everyday and hope she posts like all her other followers. And as I was reading, I think in September 2010, I finally realized something when I scrolled to the bottom of the page. That there was this little tab button that said previous.

    UM, what? I tab previous. and bam whole other set of blogs from September. OMG. Are you saying I’ve been naively only thinking you’ve blogged about 4 or 5 posts every month for the last 3-4 years? Especially considering how prolific you have been in the last month even given the fact that you’ve been away writing your book. I mean I should have had a clue because 1) every once in a while you would start a blog mid story and say if you don’t know the first part of the story go here. And 2) I would go there and there would be a blog I had yet to read. I kept thinking where are these extra blogs, I must be somehow skipping months and not keeping better track.

    I was suddenly both excited and full of dread. Relieved and well… stupefied. I mean it was weird. I had been almost sad that I was finally coming to an end. That finally I would know all there was to know about this blog. That there would be no more unknowns and exciting blogs to discover. BUT I also had a sense of accomplishment. Yeah! I had done it… caught up to present time! And then to find out that every month probably has 3 or 4 previous tabs… which I discovered when I went back and started reading from the real beginning. Which means I’m almost practically back to square one. Somewhere in 2007 my excitement deflated like a balloon. I’m never gonna catch up. Which on one hand had me relieved that I had months of entertainment and blogs to keep me company and the other hand I felt like a complete stupid blog virgin. I mean really couldn’t I have paid closer attention to your dates and realized sooner that the first page of each month was really the end of each month. What!? Did I think you only wrote in the last week of every month? So I felt compelled to share. To tell you well done, Jen! Well done. Way to make feel so out of wack! I mean I shouldn’t feel elation and defeat in the same moment, right? And maybe I shouldn’t post this comment because it really really shows how virginy (virginie? No that sounds too much like Virginia) I am in this big blogging world. But I just spent the last 30 minutes crafting this little post and man… I’m pooped. I’m not not posting this! I just took a half hour of my life and I need to have it posted to prove that it was worthwhile. How do you do it? I bow down to you!

    P.S. I totally hate people who put clothes on pets too. I thought I should add something about what this comment section is actually about.

  77. I just have one question… What do her children look like if she thinks that a picture of a baby with a cat for a head is normal enough to take the t shirt seriously?

  78. Aren’t you supposed to be phoning it in from a hotel room somewhere?

    I hate to be the one to say this but your “phoning it in” skills totally suck. It’s no wonder that your cats wouldn’t help you take down your tree. At least THEY know how to phone it in.

  79. I don’t know about you, but I rarely do as I’m told. So a baby wearing a t-shirt that told me to steal it would raise a red flag. My response would be “hell no!” If this kid’s parents don’t want this child enough they need to ask people to steal it, the kid must be defective and therefore I sure as hell don’t want said child. However, if a baby were to wear a t-shirt that said please don’t steal me, that would be a whole other story.

    So, where can I buy this t-shirt, I have four children and not opposed to dressing them in it. Just need to remember not to let them wear it when we attend church. We for sure won’t be allowed back.

  80. “Shirley” must think that there is a high black market demand for babies with cat heads.

  81. Sense of humor people! Fucking sense of humor. Let’s do away with the word “inappropriate.” It’s generally wielded by people who never get laid. Really. Them’s just jokes. Who has time to look somebody up to bitch about that!?!? I don’t even have time to wash my feet. I’ll tell you who, the sexually frustrated, that’s who, in dire need of a Freudian enema…

  82. The world is full, it seems, of people who will move heaven and earth to get up in your face about shit you do that they don’t think you should’a. The problem is that when you do a lot of shit that you shouldn’a, you are going to meet more than your fare share of them. Bless their self-righteous li’l hearts.

  83. Thanks for making my spit coffee on my Mac, or rather, thanks Shirley. I sure hope no one had their baby stolen cuz it would totally be your fault. I hope no one sues you. #logicfail

  84. Soooo…she sees a child’s body with a cat’s head on it and she takes the shirt seriously? Still, I won’t judge. At least she’s not all “F**k the children. You are so right.” It’s kind of comforting knowing there is a t-shirt police force in existence. I will sleep well tonight.

  85. Next you’ll be telling me my dog doesn’t have hands. What is he holding that rawhide with then?!? Hmmm, tell me that!

  86. Is it wrong that this post seems totally logical to me?

    Of course dogs don’t have arms, and, more than likely, dazzle DOES agree with your first point about cats wearing shirts. Plus, the dog shirt is WAY too small when you recall that the initial point was shirts for cats who weighed more than 20lbs. What 20lb cat would fit in that tiny doggie shirt?

    And zazzle should totally pay you for all the free advertising. Wait. Being paid for free advertising is a massive oxymoron isn’t it?

    Logic. It’s sometimes all we have.

  87. What about the people who have baby strollers for pets? Clearly they would like a shirt with profanity on it for their “child.” I hope you sell a ton of them.

  88. I’m not entirely sure why, but this post reminded me of that stuffed crocodile on your vacation that one time.

    I don’t know. I’m drunk. Not really… but I needed a reason to sound stupid.

    Again… not really.

  89. You know, I bet Victor thinks he’s a saint “putting up” with you. However, I beg to differ. I don’t know how you do it. Victor clearly does not understand the world and how it works. You truly are an angel for taking in such a man as Victor. God bless you for that.

    On another note, I once again snarfed my coffee. That really hurts. When will I ever learn?


    PS – Just wondering. Did Victor’s family pay you a big dowry or something to marry him?

  90. Don’t be ashamed to be a whore. Whores and sluts are very giving people
    -and I’m not just talking about STD’s. You have a role to play and you play it well, so hold your head high (and shower regularly, please)

  91. If I can’t have children then I’m getting cats so either way, your tshirts work.

  92. I grew up on a horsefarm with literally hundreds of barn cats that have come and gone over the years. Cats are so freaking elusive and squirmy. They can get out of about anything. I give it a matter of minutes before a cat escapes from a shirt….regardless of the size of the shirt.

  93. Ummm… if a parent is stupid enough to buy their baby a t-shirt that says “steal me” then maybe that baby *should* be stolen. For the baby’s sake. I think you should go back to the original shirt. It’s kind of like a public service for babies of dumb people.

  94. Fine, but do you make those shirts in sizes that would fit a baby? Cuz if you WERE a baby thief you should totally put that shirt on the babies you snatched because nobody would ever suspect you would put a shirt like that on a baby that wasn’t yours.

  95. this is truly amazing.. i once tried to dress my cat in a baby gro after she had major surgery so she wouldnt pull out her stitches and be all ‘oh god im dying again.’ She was not down with that shit, and for the few miliseconds she was.. i was disgusted with her for not being annoyed at me

  96. But what about these armless dogs?

    fyi – DON’T send this to your supervisor thinking she’ll like it b/c she also has a chihuahua. She will actually be freaked out and then think you’re kind of creepy.

  97. lmfao that’s hilarious. although being the awful parent that i am would completely buy the “steal me” shirt, mainly for novelty purposes. i wouldn’t actually let me kid wear it. maybe i’d slap it on one of his stuffed animals though 😛

  98. It’s probably important to realize that if Shirley did NOT find the shirt through your blog, then she totally went to zazzle and manually searched “Cat shirts.” She felt compelled to scold you because she was embarrassed about online clothes shopping for what I can only presume are her 4 dozen cats.

  99. OK, I bought your damn book because it’s probably cheaper than blowing wine out my nose onto my wireless keyboard (which I’m not using now because it’s become a wireless BRICK ’cause keyboards don’t work too well when they are full of wine). So now I’m going to read your stuff in bed, where I’ll try to stifle my laughs, which will make the bed shake like there’s an earthquake, and my wife’s been through this before and told me if I read any more humor books when she’s sleeping, she’s going to stick a pen in my eye. So my death is totally on you.

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