Victor ruins everything and also probably hates America

Conversation I had with Victor after I decided we needed to start having game night…

me: I’m signing us up for sign language classes so we’ll be really good at charades on game night.

Victor: First off, I don’t do “game night”.  Secondly, that’s not how charades works.

me: I’m pretty sure it is, but you have to learn it too because I need a partner.

Victor: I’m not going to learn sign language just so we can cheat at charades.  We don’t even play charades.

me: Well, we’re going to start.  Because it’s good for America.

Victor: What the f…?

me: Because it’s American Sign Language so it’s patriotic. Because it’s made in America.

Victor: That’s not how patriotism works.

me: Why do you hate America, Victor?

Victor: This is why I don’t talk to you when you’re drunk.

And that’s why we can’t have game night at our house.  Also, I was dead sober and I do not appreciate the implication otherwise.

UPDATED: Oh wait.  No.  He’s right.  I was drunk.

UPDATED X 2: But that doesn’t make me any less right.


129 thoughts on “Victor ruins everything and also probably hates America

Read comments below or add one.

  1. There are over 217 different sign languages in the world, and each one has it’s own dialects just like other languages. ASL developed from French sign language.

  2. Victor’s not the brightest guy sometimes. I mean, here’s a perfect opportunity to pay someone to teach you just *all* the wrong things in ASL, and then he could secretly film game night, put it on Youtube and make *crazy* bank off the ad revenue.

    Come on, Victor. *Think.* That’s all I’m saying.

  3. I’d learn American sing language to play with you. Despite the fact that it would be USELESS in Australia, but then again, think how helpful I’d be to drunk American tourists in my pub!
    Victor is obviously against international relations.
    Obviously, we need a website for this. So that you can promote American patriotism to the rest of the world.
    You’re a genius.
    And I’m not drunk. I’m still working on it.
    Got to go, there’s WORK to be done.

  4. I love everything about this! 🙂 My favorite part is the update. And victor is a party pooper.
    Also this may help you in Pictionary as well. Have fun!

  5. AGREED! You are right! It sounds to me like Victor isn’t a “team player”… and might possibly be a communist… because cheating at charades is absolutely patriotic when using ASL. He needs to check himself!

  6. Just learn how to sign “Bring me more booze” and you will be set for life. Maybe not for game night, but for life.

  7. Your “Conversations” section is the best! Also, isn’t Texas the most dangerous place for Victor to be hating America? I heard people are crazy patriotic there (like you I suppose).

  8. You can probably sign amazingly well in ASL while drunk and you just don’t realize it. I speak fluent French, Spanish, and Latin after a bottle of wine.

    Charades is overrated. You need to play Trivial Pursuit:The Drinking Game. Celebrate All-American ignorance–everyone will pass out long before anyone gets a pie piece.


  9. You sound like the perfect picture of patriotism. Victor may not appreciate this. (You two do sound like a great couple, though)

    I’m right all the time as well. My partner never realizes this or appreciates this fact. And yet he has to deal with it and live with me. He will ultimately – one day – find that I know best. (I really do…)

  10. So going with that line of logic, does that mean when I hate American cheese I really hate America? Your blog is giving me startling insights into my soul.

  11. Did you know there are ACCENTS in ASL? Like, people sign accents with their hands, and do certain gestures differently if they are from different areas.

    I learned that from Bones. Don’t judge me.

  12. And this is why the terrorists are winning. Except for bin Laden. But he had it coming.

  13. The most useful sign language is universal. And doesn’t really need to be learned. Think about it. You’re good.

  14. Oh shit.
    Just read my comment, can probably stop working on being drunk.
    I’d learn SIGN language to play charades with you.
    If I’m singing, in any way, shape or form, the end days are ON.
    On second thought, singing sounds good too.
    Wine anyone?

  15. I’m pretty sure that game night, and the subsequent fighting that ensued is what made me divorce that guy I married that time. I mean sure, it was like 10 years later, but I think it still counts as a primary cause.

    Strangely enough, my new fiance is a big fan of game nights. But I like him, so we don’t fight.

    I recommend Apples to Apples as a good starting game night game. It is full of snark and sass and awesomeness. I may or may not win a lot, and that may or may not have something to do with how much I like the game.

  16. I’ve seen people use sign language. Half the signs don’t remotely resemble what they’re supposed to mean. Then again, I guess this would be helpful in that only you and victor would know what the hell you’re signing about, right?

  17. I can spell in sign language… I’ll be your partner.

    And yes, Victor clearly hates America.

    Damn Commie.

  18. Victor really needs to gain a better appreciation for Drunk Jenny. Sheesh. Was that not written in your wedding vows? After all, brilliant ideas always seem to stem from states of inebriation.

  19. I have to say I’m with Victor on this one. Learning ASL will forever remind me of being constantly ordered to get ‘more’ ‘more’ ‘more’ by my 12 month old.

  20. You know, I think being named “Victor” gives people a superiority complex. If I’d known that, I would’ve named my son something else. Like “Sometimes Right”.

  21. Can you imagine what the game ‘Battle of the Sexes’ would be like if you used sign language? In my house, it would involve a lot of one finger. The good finger.

  22. If I were you I’d learn all the bad words in sign language and then spend the rest of your life using them on him. When he asks you what your doing you can say “nothing” and then smile smugly to yourself for secretly winning.

  23. I think it’s clear Victor is only hurting himself here. By learning American Sign Language, he will prove his Americanism and you will have saved him from any McCarthyism that might happen in the future. You could put up little flags on game night and tell the story of how you saved both Victor and America single-handedly. (Ba-dum-ba.)

  24. I do hope you finished off the conversation with the one “sign” everyone knows. You know the one… 🙂

  25. And I thought Victor was a Republican . . . aren’t they supposed to be more patriotic than thou? Just sayin’.

  26. I never thought of cheating this way at Charades. Brilliant! But wait. I never play Charades either. Damn.

  27. ASL is derived from the French only because AN AMERICAN had to travel to find some way to speak to the deaf. In England he ran into a director of a Paris school for the deaf who was there with two teachers from the school who were travelling to demonstrate their sign language techniques, then one of the teachers came back to America with the American and began the first American school.

    And only because America is young and when you’re starting out you need help. Otherwise, it’s totally American.

    …what was I saying?

    Oh, yeah. Victor. Jenny, this man wouldn’t even help you with your work dildos….why are you surprised he won’t play charades?? I think you have to lower your expectations of Victor. I bet Hailey would totally learn sign language with you. SHE seems to be with the program.

  28. @Sally – Apples to Apples is a great game that basically gives you a word and you have to play a word in your hand that closely fits that word. For example, someone played “Naive” and I played “Anne Frank” (what, too soon?). So you can be as snarky as you dare. Hilarity ensues.

  29. SHIT! Now I know why my nephew and his wife always win at charades: he’s deaf! But we’ll keep playing because he’s helping me develop a swear-word vocabulary in ASL.

  30. Maybe Victor is still self conscious about his arm? Is it still gimpy? Maybe he can just learn half words…that way when you drink just a touch too much you can close one eye and whatever he is signing will make perfect sense!

  31. I live in Canada, I’m pretty sure our sign language includes things like, “Eh”, “Hockey”, “two-four” (what we call a 24-case of beer.), and “I’m sorry, was I in your way?” (which we would use after something bumped in us).

  32. Who but you would be willing to go to all that effort and expense to learn ASL so you could cheat. America is truly a great nation.

    From Pen in Wales.

  33. I think you can use ASL in Canada, but they look at you funny. Also, don’t eat Canadian Bacon there…you wouldn’t believe the glares.

  34. Sounds like there is only one sign you need to learn. You only need one finger and he should get the message without tutoring…

  35. FYI:

    Sign language is also useful for the game of “Hey! What’s the Deaf Guy Choking On?”

    Not exactly in the “family fun” category, but whatever.

  36. It doesn’t always make you MORE right (right, John?), you’re also:
    1. thinner,
    2. younger,
    3. look stunning in that holy t-shirt and old gym shorts.

    And intelligentger, if that’s even possible.

  37. Great! Now we are going to have to compete with sign language enhanced charades players from Japan. It’s a missed opportunity to be first. Doesn’t he care about the economic crisis? This could have singlehandedly turned the country around.

  38. Maybe next time, you should try to tell him you need to have game night by using sign language. Then, he’ll probably tire of your antics and finally answer, “Yes! Dammit already! Whatever it is you’re flapping your arms about, YES!”

    Then, you win. Game night forever.

  39. I think there is one universal sign that every language gets… the “you are #1” with your longest finger!

    I’d totally learn sign language to cheat at charades. It doesn’t state in the rule book that you can’t do it!! Then again… I don’t think there is a rule book. Hmm.. even better.

  40. I think you could probably use American Sign Language here in Canada. We’d be able to follow. We deal with your weird stuff all the time. Like the words “coloUr” and “neighboUr”. And when you say things like “y’all”. We’re brighter than you think. Especially if ASL is adapted from French (like the first comment says) – we’re bilingual, you know. Trilingual if you count American.

  41. It is conversations just like this with Husband that make me opt to be someone else’s partner on game night. Word of advise if you ever do get game night, if you are beating the other teams, never, ever say “Man, we are Kickin’ ya’ all’s ass”. You always end up losing after you say that.

  42. I say do whatever you have to for America. And if it has the word America or anything representing America, then it counts as patriotism. He def hates America.

  43. I think my favorite comment is the first one. Correcting you as to what ASL is and where it came from. I know sign language – take the class and I’ll fly to Texas and play charades with you. It will be like you’re flying in this super charades champion or something when really, I probably suck. I don’t know though, I’ve never played charades.

  44. drunk.
    also advocating Australians learning ASL.
    and pubs. more pubs, please.
    Victor is obviously also anti-Australian.

  45. I prefer watching people play Pictionary when they’re buzzed. All the filters are gone and watching them draw is absolutely hilarious. Since Victor won’t play charades, see if he’ll try Pictionary instead.

  46. Yeah you can pretty much kinda slur and even stutter in asl. And it’s fun to watch people after a certain amount of liquor sign the wrong word and then wipe the air like they’re erasing it before they sign the next word.

  47. And here I thought everyone who lived in Texas was a purebred American. *shaking head* Totally disappointed.

  48. ASL’s right up my alley. I’m fluent in it (I’m HOH, parents are Deaf; many family members with hearing loss–genetic). This is the history of the American School for the Deaf, based in West Hartford, CT. Several of my family members went there & then continued on to Gallaudet University.

    ASL does have dialects. For example, “strawberries” in the Northeast has you twisting one hand (loose fist shape) over the other hand’s pinky finger. In California, that same sign is now translated, literally, to “red nose-tip”. While the fundamentals are the same, there are slight differences in the language when you move around the US.

    Oh, don’t use USA sign in Canada (or anywhere else). My sister has a Canadian friend who moved here with her family as a very young child & all the signs are vastly different, except for a few signs that remain the same. You’ll most likely end up communicating via paper & pen until you get used to each other’s signs, LOL.

  49. I would just like to learn how to swear in sign language. Besides the finger…that’s so overdone and dramatic.

  50. After that last “drunk” jab, I hope you flipped him the All American middle finger. That’s sign language too, you know.

  51. Submitted my previous comment before I was finished. *facepalm*

    If you REALLY want to learn the language, I recommend learning from a Deaf person, not your average “sign language” class. There are people who label what they teach ASL, but what they’re really teaching you is SEE (Signed Exact English, which is HUGELY BORING to Deaf people). In the chance that a Deaf person won’t teach you (& I’d be very surprised if that happened), then find a hearing person who actually knows it via Deaf Immersion, through Deaf family members, involved in the Deaf community, etc. DON’T go to a hearing person who has no roots in ASL, because to them, ASL = SEE, which is absolutely NOTHING like fluent ASL users use. SEE will go in one ear & out the other. It’s that bad.

    Example: I’m going to the store. I need some chicken for supper tonight.
    ASL: Me go store. Need chicken tonight supper.
    SEE is the literal translation to this sentence. Nothing taken out.

    Song lyrics, poetry, etc. in ASL become more conceptual & fluid. ASL goes for the concept of the song, & translating the lyrics to convey that concept. SEE is English grammar, ALL THE TIME. It teaches nothing of the conceptual sign because it’s English, not the beautiful language of the Deaf.

    See? 😉

  52. Charades? What is this, 1823? Next thing you’ll be telling me is you are hosting a musicale, wherein you’ll serenade the gentry by playing the virginal. And also the lute. While playing charades. That way, you’re a triple-threat.

  53. Maybe you need to get him drunk and then re-suggest it. I bet he’d be all for it then.

    Ideas always sound better when you’re drunk, especially the good ones.

  54. You need to visit They have videos showing you how to sign different words… AND THEY EVEN HAVE THE CURSE WORDS. How fucking cool is that?!?!? I found this site when my son was born and I haven’t found any site that does it better. (he was born with Microtia Atresia, which is a birth defect of the ears. His left ear is malformed and completely closed, so we weren’t sure if he would ever hear. (which he will.. someday… when we can afford the surgery. Maybe. haha)) Of course… any site that shows me how to call my family members naughty names right to their face, without them knowing what I’m saying is alright by me. 😀

  55. Tell Victor that I am very surprised and just a little hurt by his lack of patriotism, especially now that Jerry Lewis will no longer be hosting the MD telethon this year.

    Sign language charades would pull this great nation right out of the doldrums.

  56. Say what you will, first commenter is right. Having said that, as a sign language interpreter it’s REALLY hard not to cheat at charades with other people playing that know sign language. It’s not even necessarily on purpose, the signs just sneak in. It’s really hard to think of ways to portray things when you already have a visual language available that’s perfect for it.

  57. My husband and I used to live next door to deaf neighbors. I never told him they were deaf because I wanted to have fun with it. I always told him “those assholes are just ignoring you! They talk to me all of the time “So one day he went over there and was all “I don’t know what your problem is!!!” And started going off. The deaf guy just made a funny high pitch sound while looking at his wife signing. It was fantastic to watch!

  58. Just think of how much more intimidated blind people would be when you play them at charades while you and Victor are using sign language!

  59. Hear hear! I completely reject the notion that just because you’re drunk means you’re wrong. In fact, there have been moments when I’ve never been more correct about something than when I was drunk.

  60. I love that cheating at charades using an aid meant for the hearing-challenged is patriotic. This means all is right in the world.

    I also love hearing you were drunk. I mean it was after lunch right?

  61. When will you women learn?
    Before you ask for something you really want GET NAKED FIRST
    -fresh out of the shower and still dripping is good
    -post coital is better
    -mid coital is best (but may spawn resentment later on, also known as Fuckers Remorse) so be careful, do not overuse

  62. As soon as I read this I thought “Brilliant”. No, Lance and I don’t even have a game night or couples friends yet, but Why NOT get ahead of the game? I “signed” us up for ASL classes and then told him of the plan. His response?

    “Isn’t that how charades works anyway?”

    its very clear that this is not just Victor’s issue- it must be a man thing. ALSO based on this completely scientific sampling of Victor and Lance, it may be safe to say that men who come up with excuses not to learn sign language, fear auditory challenged people. (too far?)

  63. pretty sure American sign language is the same as Canadian. Though you might have to remember to learn ‘eh’ and ‘oy’ cause the Canadian’s I know say it. And you have great ideas while drinking! Should make victor drink more. lol. And try Peppermint Schnapps! It tastes like a liquid candy cane. Absolutely amazing!

  64. I love Game Night! And I REALLY love Charades. It’s quite possibly the best game ever.

    But I can’t learn ASL with you because I’m at that point in my life where my mind only retains so much information and for everything new I learn something else gets erased and I really, really need to remember where I parked my car.

    But still. Totally with you on Game Night.

  65. My wife also lives with a ‘Mr. Literal Pants.’ Unfortunately she does not drink. I like living Victor’s life vicariously, where at least there are excuses.

  66. Clearly Victor hates America, in which case you shouldn’t teach him American sign language so he can’t use it against us, which makes you a fucking HERO!

    And I’m not even drunk.

  67. Will there also be taffy-pulling at this game night? And no, that is not some sick sexual euphemism. Charades just always makes me work up an appetite. I will settle for Jiffy Pop. I don’t care how patriotic you think your game night is; game night without snacks is unamerican.

  68. First, you can use the universal sign for F Off next time he denies your right to express your patriotrism.
    Second, get HIM drunk and naked and ask him again. They can never say no when sex is within their reach.

  69. I’m deaf, and I think this may explain why nobody plays charades with me. Also, everyone who wants to learn to swear in sign? There are at least 3 different signs for every swear word and most of them require an understanding of nuance. When a hearing person wants to learn the sign for “asshole,” we generally teach them the one that you really don’t use in conversation unless you’re addressing the person who stole your spouse and your money. And even then, you have to consider how much you want to be punched. So we’re tricky that way.

  70. I’ve learned a lot of sign language by watching the ASL videos of Jonathan Coulton songs on Youtube. “First of May” and “RE: Your Brains” are excellent. Also, the guy who does the videos does a lot of other songs too and “Party in the USA” is a million times better with a guy who looks like Foreman from That 70’s Show signing along.

    You should probably start with this one: You’ll pick up on some things pretty quickly and after learning a few songs you’ll know everything you need to to kick ass at charades AND you won’t have to pay to do it. I mean, that’s pretty reasonable and I can’t imagine Victor would argue.

  71. Elisa (#35) is right, but there’s more. The only reason that the Rev. Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet met LeClerc in London was because he had traveled to the Braidwoods’ schools for the deaf in Great Britain; they had refused to teach him how they taught deaf people. Thankfully! Their method was oral/aural (lipreading, etc) so no ASL would have come from that.

    Also, ASL is used in parts of Canada (and Mexico, even though there is Mexican Sign Language). It the French-speaking canadians that don’t use ASL. Even French Sign Language isn’t French enough for them, they have their own. (LSQ could that be what StarFireSong’s (#66 & #70) sister’s friend knows. And she’s so, so, SO right about SEE. Blech.)

    Also, as someone who grew up with deaf cousins, learned both SEE and ASL, and then became an interpreter I can tell you that having signs in your head DOES NOT help you at charades. It’s hard to come up with boring gestures when you could just sign it. Charades gives me brain-freeze. Which means “Also, also what Delicia (#75) said.”

  72. I just remembered something! I taught myself the alphabet in ASL when I was a kid. Haven’t used it . . . well ever, but I still remember most of it. As long as we don’t use words with the letters B, F, S, U and Y I’ll be your partner!

  73. I can sign so we’re already halfway there! You go learn, and we’ll go take those charades bitches DOWN!

  74. You know, if Victor were to learn sign language, he wouldn’t have to talk to you when you were drunk – rather he could sign to you from across the room….

  75. I wanna learn French sign language. Not because I’m not patriotic, but because I just wanna fuck with ppl…

  76. But if you do charades in sign language does this mean no more tugging of the ear and the room yells, “SOUNDS LIKE!!!!” Is this like covert sign language? Sign language on the down low?

  77. Maybe Victor would be interested in learning European Sign Language? Err, I mean Freedom Sign Language?

  78. FINALLY! The appropriate context in which to relate an embarrassing family secret. I’ve been waiting 50 years for this, here goes:
    My aunt Ruth taught ASL back in the late Twenty’s through the Fifty’s . She worked with Helen Keller and was well known within that teaching group. Here is the good part: Aunt Ruth’s left hand was badly burned when she was a child, resulting in her being incapable of fully extending her left ring finger and little finger. Tragic, I know but stay with me. As a result of her lifelong efforts, she taught hundred if not thousands to sign. Unfortunately they all sign with a lisp.
    This is true, no shit, I am sooo relieved to relate this before I went toes up. O.

  79. Also, I’d keep you hammered all the time just for the entertainment.

  80. Stop picking on Victor! GUY’S A HERO
    He’s still trying to captain crazyship Jenny after all these years?
    A lot of lesser (or saner) men would have jumped ship a long time ago.

    Not him. No. SAINT Victor has not only stuck it out, but maintained dignity while those around him…

    I think he’s earned a HALL PASS. (if you haven’t seen or heard of the movie, it’s a time window in which a married man has freedom to slut around for a while)

  81. not only are game nights awesome, but having a strategy for cheating is essential, unless you are at my house playing “drinking apples to apples” then EVERYONE wins.

  82. Charades cheaters are the lowest on the cheater totem pole right above Solitaire cheater, but right below the cheating in the Choose Your Adventure books… this is scientific.

  83. I believe you are right about Victor, Jenny. In fact, I have proof.

    1) One of the local PBS channels offers a show for children that teaches some words in sign language. I came across it one morning.

    2) The Republicans are trying to defund PBS.

    3) Now Victor is against learning sign language?

    Conclusion – Victor is trying to get rid of PBS and destroy American freedom. He’s hiding it from you because he knows the whole thing will crumble if you find out.

  84. I did a reading of First Corinthians at a wedding, and there was a signer who had just graduated from signing school. She seemed to be getting frustrated, and I’m told she ended up signing, “She’s talking too fast, read it in First Corinthians” and sat down.

    But I bet she would kick my ass in charades. With relish.

  85. I’m a sign language interpreter and I can’t stand charades because when I get stuck I sign and NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! Watching deaf people play charades is hilarious because they make the rule NO SIGNING GESTURES ONLY and when one of them signs on accident everybody goes nuts!

  86. I think you want to be REALLY good at sign language before you want to start incorporating it into drunken charades night. Unless you purposefully want to “accidentally” ask your neighbor to fuck you in the ass while sipping orange juice. Just sayin.

  87. My boyfriend and I know sign language, and we kick ass at charades.
    You can use that as evidence, but I’m not responsible if Victor stabs you out of frustration.

  88. That is brilliant idea to win at charades, now if only Victor didn’t hate America you guys could be world champs or some shit.

  89. I was surprised in this conversation.We can’t force Victor to like America.That was his own opinion and he has the right to tell

  90. C’mon Victor, once you know how to play charades using ASL, you’re eminently qualified to join the CIA. This would have been the most patriotic thing you could’ve possibly done.

  91. So even though I took American Sign Language and probably should know this, I am going to ask you since you appear so much wiser. Why is it called American Sign Language? Does it not work in other countries? Do you need a sign language interpreter if you go abroad? How many different sign languages do they know? What if they just speak the language and then sign to you? Is that acceptable? So many variations, so little time.

  92. Victor totally hates America and therefore cannot ever borrow the Panda suit that would make him so freaking awesome. No wonder the Mexicans shoved him off the boat!

    Also, Craig and I regularly have conversations that are strikingly similar to that of you and Victor. I should really write more of that shit down.

  93. I never thought of cheating at charades by learning sign language. So inventive. And that conversation was utterly hilarious.

  94. If you actually wanna learn sign language, you can learn it at my website! The company’s called Signs of Life…it wasn’t until after we bought the domain that we realized it was SOL.

    Oh well, that just gives it character!

    PS- great post, BTW. I think Victor and I would get along.

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