UDATED! FREAKING. OUT.

in Random Crap

This is supposed to be a post about how awesome sharks are but I can’t even do it because OHMYGODYOUGUYSMYBOOKISHERE.  And MY AUDIO BOOK TOO.  Sorry for all the screaming but I just got the final, hardback version that comes out next month and then I screamed a little because this is a decade in the making and also because OHMYGODYOUGUYS it comes out next month.

Sorry.  I’m geeking out in an incredibly embarrassing fashion but I can’t help it and you’ve been with me through this entire process so I want to celebrate with you.

So to celebrate I’m giving away an autographed copy of my book and of the audiobook too.  Just leave a comment and this week one of you will be randomly selected to win this:

Not the cat butt. That's mine.

And in related, panic-inducing news, I’m going on tour.  Much like Bon Jovi.  Or like artifacts from terrible disasters.

Details below! (Graphic courtesy of my amazing friend, Len):

Click on the graphic for details and ticket info. More locations might be coming soon. I'll keep you posted.

Come?  Pretty please?

UPDATED:  WE have a winner!  Leigh-Ellen of Canada, a book is on its way to you.  And a huge thank you for such an amazing show of support.  I so love you guys.

4,717 thoughts on “UDATED! FREAKING. OUT.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m so happy for you! And looking forward to reading the book. If Seattle makes it onto your tour list, I’d simply swoon with joy.

    Thanks!

  2. Can you PLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE come to the Midwest??!! I would drive to see you and stand in line but none of the places you are going are even close to an 8 hour drive for me!! Kansas City would be great or Omaha NE. Prefferably Omaha, and I will take you out to dinner!!!

  3. Can’t wait to read the book and get my bookplate, but an actual autographed book would mean I can spread The Bloggess good word around a little further! And if you could find a way in your heart to make it to “sunny” Portland, Oregon, on your book tour, I will buy you a maple bacon bar or bubble gum donut from VooDoo Donuts! Hell, I’d buy you a whole coffin full if you wanted, cause they sell them.

  4. Would you PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE come to Boston? (the closest “big city” to New Hampshire) It’s full of old stuff and I am sure you could find something fun to play with, maybe a taxidermied Lobster dressed in Colonial drag. Who knows! Congrats on your book, CAN’T WAIT TO READ IT!

  5. HUGE congratulations! I’m guessing if your tour went to every major city that wanted you, there would be no need for a permanent address in Texas because you’d never be home . Glad you are taking the wonderful crazy on the road. Best wishes and huge kudos for the courage in your decision. You Rock!!

  6. yay! double yay, you’re coming to LA. Boo, I’m a broke college student and probably can’t pay the $20 or whatever to go to that thing. Maybe I’ll work that out.

    I’m counting down to the day I get this book. I pre-ordered two copies so my stepmamma and I don’t have to share [generally we exchange books, but we’re separated by 400 miles of desert and I didn’t want us to have to wait].

    As an aside, I was totally almost at the Queen Mary the same night you were at the Queen Mary. Instead of going to support my boyfriend’s rapping with his friends, I ditched that to get dinner and drinks with coworkers, which was very much needed. I got home, was stalking you on Twitter, and was immediately pissed because I could have been ghost hunting and stalking you. Next time, bloggess, next time. [and now you’re going to hid in various Queen Mary bathrooms because I’ve frightened you]

  7. OMG please come to Seattle!!! I will host a book signing party for you!! You are nothing short of famous in our circle 🙂

  11. So excited for you!!! Wish you were coming to Seattle, but we love the crap outta you regardless 🙂

  12. Bet you’re flying right past Phoenix and not even stopping. Drop by someday. 🙂

  15. A part of me desperately wants to win the audiobook. We’re about to move from Washington back to Tennessee and it would make a great listen on the long drive. The other part of me is positive that should I win it, I will meet a terrible metal-crunching-bone-smashing death due to hysterical, uncontrollable laughter while driving. Oh well, I’ll take my chances! Congrats on your book! You’ve just achieved something that so many people only dream about. Scream all you want and then some.

  17. Serious congratulations. To properly celebrate, a visit to “Cake Wrecks” is in order. Pick me, please.

  18. Congratulations! It must feel fabulous to have a decade worth of work in your hands. P.S. I was a bit saddened that the cat butt in the picture wouldn’t come with the book – I have a nice empty spot on my desk that could do with a little bit of fur. Alas, I’ll have to find my own damn cat. 🙂

  21. out of 1990 comments so far I probably won’t win it, but I’d love to. Really enjoying your blog. Keep ’em coming. Thanks!

  22. OMG Can I have one even though I live in Canada and oh pretty pretty PLEASE?

  23. time out… AUDIOBOOK! Welcome to the big leagues! I drive so much that I don’t even bother buying very many hardback books anymore. Obviously I was going to make an exception for yours, BUT NOW… *Angels singing* GLORIOUS!

  24. I second what others have said about coming to Chicago. Come on, it’s not like you have to have a life or anything. Just travel around for our collective amusement. We’ll be sure to all tell you how AMAZING you are and how great it is to meet you!!! PLEASE?!?

  27. Oh, please please please come to Arizona! Beyonce puppet-wielding Arizonans would jump at the chance to meet you! I suggest Changing Hands Bookstore (http://www.changinghands.com/), an independent bookstore with a wonderful reputation in the Phoenix valley. I am sending them an email to make sure you are on their radar…..

  28. I’m so happy you’re coming to SF! Is it a joke that you’ll be here on 4/20 though? LOL – can’t wait!!!

  29. Well, I was totally hoping to come see you! But I live no where near any of your stops. So, I’ll hope for the next best thing with an autographed copy of your book or your audiobook. 🙂

  32. I’m a fairly new reader to your website (a friend sent me the link in January) and I cannot even tell you how much laughter you’ve brought to my life – usually on days where if I didn’t laugh I would have been crying in the bathroom at work. Would LOVE to win the book! 🙂

  34. I am so excited to read your book! And so happy for you! Also, apparently I really like exclamation points!!!

  35. Yay! Congrats. I can’t wait, I preordered long ago so I’ll be waiting patiently.

  37. Congratulations! (and wow, 2000+ comments!!) I love, love, love reading your blogs (been a LONG time chron.com reader) and can’t wait for my copy of the book to arrive 🙂 My husband and I will have to flip a coin to see which one of us gets to go to the Houston book signing, unless there will be babysitters there. Hmmm, is Juanita qualified? Thanks for sharing your life with us.

  38. 1999? Let’s make it an even 2000 comments shall we? Pretty please I want a copy of your book. Also – no Philadelphia on that tour list?

  39. Heck Yeah!!!!!!!! You will be here (Dallas) on my birthday! Happy birthday to ME! Might have to bring along the IT guy here at work, he has a little bloggess crush going on. I preordered your book and can’t wait! I was so torn becasue audiobook by you is even more amazing! Congrats on all your happenings. Sorry for all the exclamation points, don’t mean to scream.

  40. Can’t wait to read your book! You should come visit SLC Utah. I know so many locals here who absolutely LOVE you!

  41. Yes, please come to DC. Or northern Virginia! It’s very pretty here in Spring.

  42. This is such a huge accomplishment! Congratulations & felicitations! (Now do you have a visual of little Keri Russell’s and confetti in the air? Me too.)

    Beautiful, brilliant, yay!

  43. I’ll be at the Austin book signing! Can’t wait to see you in person and have you sign my book. Would love to win the book and audio, but then, who wouldn’t?

  44. Looking forward to reading it, hopefully, I may be able to see you in Dallas when you are here on tour, how come no authors ever come to the west side, ie. Fort Worth.

  45. I tried the ‘amazing Len’ link and I have to tell you, the drawing he made for your poster looks more like the amazing Len than the amazing Bloggess.

    I’d be careful visiting his house; he might imagine himself as you and be working on a skin suit in the basement.

  47. I can just imagine the lines for this book tour.. various dead animals in compromising pose, confidence wigs in all colors, the cry of ” WOLVERINES!” at random intervals, and booze slush’s for all! Damn I wanna go!!!

  48. Do Canadians count this time? 😉

    This is so awesome for you, congrats! (And awesome for us because we get to read the awesomeness that is your awesome. Awesome, eh?)

  49. You should add Iowa City to your book tour–we’re an actual UNESCO “City of Literature.” Which would be really good for your resume. Plus, we’d welcome you with cocktails, chickens, and random taxidermy.

  50. I have a road trip coming up and I plan to spend it listening to your audio book and avoiding awkward silences with my fellow travelers. Listening to this book won’t be awkward will it?

  52. I cannot beleive that you’re not coming to Little Rock, AR with all those other big cities on the tour. This place is a fucking booming metropolis and they are having you skip it? Not good planning there, book execs. Don’t you know this state is the home of Wal-Mart? Oh, you do? Oh, that played in to your decision? Shit.

  53. While I don’t need a copy of the book as I’ve already pre-ordered mine, I’d like to win one to give a copy to someone that hasn’t experienced you yet.

  55. Congratulations, Jenny. I wish your book was here today. I could really use the cheering up. I’m sure people tell you this all the time, but it feels as though I’ve really come to know you over the past year that I’ve been reading your blog. I think it’s awesome that you did your own reading on the audio tape; that will make it even more personal. I’m already plotting a way to try to get to one of the Texas tour dates, maybe Austin. I’m very happy for you. This is quite an achievement.

  57. OOOOH, pleeeease come to Nashville, to Parnassus Books – the only bookstore left in Nashville proper! (We have a Barnes & Noble but it’s 17 miles away, and a Books-a-million but it’s far away too and this is the bookstore that was just started by the author Ann Patchett that they talked about on the news and stuff because it’s not part of a chain…)

  59. You should definitely come to Canada, but the Ottawa part. I swear, April is more or less spring here.

  61. I apologize for being one of the people who signed up for the 5,000 (then 10,000) autographed bookplates; I hope your entire right side has recovered. If I win, I’ll give the inferior version I’m expecting from Amazon to my co-worker who introduced me to your blog, even though she’s over Beyonce and has asked me to stop putting the puppets in her mailbox.

  62. I am also very sad you aren’t coming to DC! I desperately hope that changes!

  63. What the piss! No Philadelphia? The country was founded here…by old white dudes who wore wigs in 90 degree weather. It’s on our state flag!
    I already ordered the book and am quite excited. Not “discharge” type excited, but excited nonetheless.

    Congrats!

  67. Woohoo! I can’t wait to get my copy! And if I win can you draw a cat in it?

  70. Holy crap I want that! I guess I can be ok with no cat butt. You gotta come to DC! please please please.

  71. If you ever get up to Alaska…..I’d wet my pants. (I was in some sort of coma when I think you were here before…)

  72. PLEASE come to the Pacific Northwest! We all wear flannel and listen to grunge and are depressed and we desperately need some entertainment!

  73. Congratulations! I’m looking forward to reading your book. If your tour ends up including Colorado, I will be there for sure.

  77. Fantastic! It’s too bad you’re not doing any tours north of the boarder! However I have requested this for mother’s day and can’t wait to read it.

  78. Are you bringing Juanita with you on tour?! I’m sure she would do ALL your cooking and cleaning. Even if the motherfucking souffle was ruined. Can’t wait for your book!!

  79. Of course reading the audio book yourself is a good thing! Of course, I can’t read or listen to either just now, since it took me about 3 hours just to scroll down to the bottom of the page to add this comment.

  80. PLEASE come to Philly for your book tour. My wife LOVES you and you are an inspiration to her….and me, too. Hope to see you out here.

  83. When I read the portion from the book on your blog, I laughed so hard people at work started to stare.

  85. Full of awesome! And honestly, the cat’s ass makes the picture even better! Congrats on the book & I can’t wait to read it!

  86. I wish you were coming to Denver. Oh well, I’ve had my copy of your book pre-ordered since February and I’m so excited! I read aloud everything on the site to my boyfriend though, so if I won it, he would have his own copy and we would get to listen to the audiobook. Congratulations, and I can’t wait to read it!

  87. If you come to Michigan, I will learn how to taxidermy a wolverine for you.

  88. Cannot wait to see you in NYC!! Going to pay people to stand on line for me at all the B&N to make sure I get to meet you. Maybe I should plan for two lines per store. One at the main entrance and another at the bathroom.

  89. So….does the audio book come in 8 track?

    It’d be pretty sweet if it did….

  91. The cat butt would have been nice too, but I’ll definitely go for winning your book/audio book instead. Congrats on the book, by the way!

  92. Really? all the way out to the west coast and no stop in San Diego?????? Sad, it’s just sad.

  93. I was so excited to see you’re touring and coming to my area (NY) and on my actual birthday too! Then I realized it’s a Tuesday and I have to be home in NJ for my daughter that day. I wish I could see you in person! If you want a home cooked meal (badly enough to swing by NJ), consider this an invitation. I’m not a psycho (of course, that’s exactly what a psycho would say).

    (Hi Mary – I know you’re probably the one reading these.)

  95. Oh My God! Come to Boston! I love your writing a lot, but I’m not driving to NY for you. Actually, let’s be honest, I’m probably not going to brave anything where there might be more than 2 people, no matter what the reward is. So nevermind. Don’t come to Boston. I am looking forward to reading your book, alone, where no one can look at me funny.

  97. Really wish you were coming closer to the heart of the country! Can’t wait to read the rest of the book.

  98. Ooh! I’d love a copy of your audio book. And an autographed hard copy would be the new cornerstone of the library I’m going to make out of my daughter’s bedroom when she moves out. So…pick me! 🙂

    I wish your book tour was coming a little farther into the northwest so I could come see you, so if you want to add Spokane, WA to the list, I’d be there!

  99. I cannot wait to read it! Congratulations and feel free to because I can’t think of any!

    Way to go Bloggess!

  100. If I print this out and write a date for Germany on this poster, you’re obligated to come here, right? Right?!

  104. OMG. So excited for you – I know you’ve been working on it forever, so congrats! Now, with that out of the way, come to Toronto. Our beer is stronger here, and I’m buying. 🙂

  106. I so hope that you pick me. I am super excited about this book but do not think I’ll have the dough to get it when it comes out. I keep entering every contest (via you & book companies for ARCs, I review too). I just know that it will be a future favorite.

    & you’re going on tour? So awesome. I am jealous of my NYC friends.

  108. Congratulations Jenny!! Please consider coming to Canada. Ottawa specifically. I can guarantee you a crowd of at least 15 people for a book signing. 🙂 Every time I share one of your posts on my Facebook, I get you another couple fans. We love you, even though you think our money isn’t real but our bacon is.

  109. I came to your site via welcometomybrain.net and find you HIL-AR-E-OUS. Can’t wait to read more. Thanks for the laughs.

    Patty

  110. Congrats!!! Can’t wait to read it. Also, your tour should come to Canada! Specifically Vancouver, pretty please? Its not that cold…anymore.

  111. I was so excited to see that you are going on tour…and then I realized that I don’t live in Texas. Please come to West Michigan! We have a beautiful lakeshore, a tulip festival in May (well, maybe a stem festival by then this year) and I know where you can visit a metal chicken farm. I would love you to pick me but if you don’t I will settle for the pre-ordered book and bookplate. Congratulations Jenny, you deserve it!

  113. Congratz! I love your blog, and can’t wait to read the book. Thanks for the giveaway.

  116. Holy shit Batman! This is the best news I have read today. Cannot wait for my hard copy to arrive, and I hope I catch you on tour! Congrats!

  117. Luckily for me, I already have 4 prime cat butts of my own. I can’t wait to get my own copy of the book, I read everything you post and adore it and yeah.

  121. I want that. My head would explode. Also I really want to come see you when you come to San Antonio. FIngers crossed

  123. Come to Powell’s in Portland! We know how to show awesome authors a good time!

  124. A tour!! That’s so exciting. Even if you aren’t coming anywhere near the southern US (where we love your blog, too). Sadness. We will survive. And buy your book. In traditional Scarlet O’Hara style.

  125. That’s great! I can’t wait to read it… which would be much easier if I were to have a free copy. 🙂

  127. I am so excited for your book. I just wish you were coming to Boston for a signing!

  128. San Angelo? But not Midland? Who’s scheduling you tour?

    (With Colbert grabby hand outstretched towards the camera) Autographed swag please!

  131. Jenny – Please visit Wellesley Books in Wellesley Massachusetts! Or anywhere in Massachusetts!

  134. Come, pretty please, to Portland, OR? I know you’d have a huge mess of fans come to try to get a piece of your hair or clothing. I’d be happy with an autograph. Maybe. 🙂

  135. I love what you’re doing! And for all of us that may seem a little crazy to the rest of the world, your blog makes me seem like I’m a little more normal, and gives me hope that there are others out there who are just as messed up as me and all of my friends. Congratulations on the book and no doubt it will be a best seller!!

  136. Woohoo! And I have been able to order it in the UK too; so happy, can’t stop smiling in a terrifying serial killer style.

  138. I’m so excited and happy for you!! Excappy? Hacited? Also, I’m really jealous of all of those places that you’re visiting because nobody ever will willfully visit Delaware. And I understand that.

  140. Congratulations! The excerpt you posted was deliriously funny, oddly familiar, but funny! btw Thanks for the Dr. Pants concert from your bathroom. 🙂

  142. I agree with the first commenter, because I’m also in KS!!!! Please come here! Or at least somewhere within a reasonable driving distance…

  143. I confess, this comment is a shameless attempt to win an autographed copy of your book (audio and otherwise), but I don’t really have a problem with that as I love your work.

  144. I will definitely come see you in Houston!!!! Also, have the signed inserts been sent out for pre-orders? I preordered a book ages ago and went to the insert link and filled it out too, but knowing my attention span, I probably did something wrong.

    Congrats!!!!

  147. Please come to Oklahoma City, it’s just a few hours away! You can stay at my house, in my daughter’s nursery (in her crib?). PLEASE PLEASE!

  148. I’m so excited for you (and for me since I get to read your book)! You deserve this more than anyone I don’t know in life but feel like I know through the magic of the intertubes.

    I would totally come and geek out at your booksigning tour but you aren’t going anywhere close to where I live, which fine! I get it. You’re just not that into me.

    I’m so happy for you and your success! Keep it up!

  149. Congratulations! I wish you were coming to Minneapolis. Can’t wait to read your book!

  150. I loved the excerpt from the book that you posted and passed it onto my fellow HR friends. It’s like a lingering taste in my mouth and I need more!

  152. OMG i neeeeeed your book!
    And since you are not coming to Atlanta, GA on your tour, I think you owe me one 😉

  154. That’s a trophy in the shape of a cat’s ass – which is to say, a cat’s-ass-trophy (say it quickly and it’s very close to mildly humorous).

    Also, what, not coming up to Canada? Come up to Toronto – we’re like New York run by Disney. You can crash in my guest room. I have twine.

  155. I already bought 2 both with name plates(Super excited!) I am hoping my bitch of a girlfriend is too lazy to actually buy her own copy because one of them is for her. Would love to have another one though! ( : Super excited for you! Like everyone else come tour where I live….Kansas City, MO. We can pretend it never happened?! ( ; Jess

  157. I’m so excited that you’ll be stopping by the Bay Area! I definitely want to go! 😀

  159. You are so phenomenally fantastic, I can’t even put it into words. I’m really hoping you add a date in Seattle so I can drive down from Canada to bask in your awesomeness.
    In all seriousness, you are an inspiration. Whenever my anxiety is getting the best of me I know I can come to your blog and find a luagh and the strength to keep fighting.

  160. Well Ms. Jenny,
    Congratulations on your book arriving. That must be a phenomenal feeling!
    I have a sense that if I were to win, I might just add a small headache to your life, given that I live up North in Vancouver, BC…. and I don’t want to do THAT!…so if I get picked at random… I promise to send you a postage paid box to deal with the annoyance that is ‘shipping to Canada’. Because I’m helpful like that.
    Either way, you are brilliant, and inspiring, and following you on Twitter always makes my day a little better.
    The day you followed me back, well, I sorta felt like *I* had written a book!! So thanks for that simple gesture that made me so #furiouslyhappy!

  161. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE a copy of your book before all my friends get it!
    I would be all like, ha-ha! Suck it my bitches, Jenny likes me more because I have twine AND Beyonce. Oh, and a little flying pig named Bacon….which my “friends” thought it would be really funny to steal him off my front porch on New Year’s Eve while he was perched happily on Beyonce’s back! So not funny!
    Thanks for making me smile!
    Jeanne B

  162. You should totally come to Greetings and Readings in Hunt Valley, MD, about 15 miles north of central Baltimore. We have crabs and crab cakes and we’ll feed you!

  163. YAY! I really wish you were making a stop in Utah, I imagine a signing for your book would be more fun than any book signing the world has ever seen!

  165. If you come to Pa, I promise not only not to cook for you, but I will let you hide in my bathroom for your entire stay. I will even hire security to handle the masses that will gather outside my door waiting to see you! (My cat can’t keep a secret to save her life 🙂 )

  166. Yay! I can’t wait to get my copy!!! If only you’d come to Wichita…then I’d definitely some see you!

    Huge congrats!

  167. When you come to the San Francisco location (Book Passage – Corte Madera), I’m going to bring my large roll of twine. And if you want it, you can have it, because although walking into a book store with a large roll of twine will be awkward, it will be less so if I hand it to you.

    Plus, you’ll never run out.

  168. So excited! Just wish you were going to be here on a weekend instead of a weekday when I can’t get out to L.A. >_<

  171. You should definitely make Philadelphia a stop on your “Pretend” tour. We will shower you with Brotherly Love, cheese steaks and red dresses. And miniature red dresses for Hamlet and Juanita. Besides, those two need to get their pictures taken in front of Independence Hall holding American flags and wearing Colonial costumes. 🙂

  172. YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! Super excited for you!!!!!

    Holy cow my finger felt like a mouse on a wheel trying to get to the bottom of the page to the comments! 🙂

  173. Audiobook! Perfect! I will play your audiobook this summer while digging up dinosaurs. (Note: dinosaurs do not taxidermy well. Skinny boney things. However, prairie dog skulls look smashing in miniature cowboy hats)

  174. Since you’re not coming to Portland, the least you could do is rig this and give me the books! Ha! Seriously, major congrats on the accomplishment!

  175. I wish your book tour was coming to Canada. We have bathrooms you can hide in because of your social anxiety disorder. We also love it when you make fun of our money and try to use it to buy Canadian bacon (which is really just ham, shhhhhhh). If I win your autographed book I’m going to give it to my best friend for her birthday because I have converted her to The Bloggess movement.

  178. OHMYGODYOUGUYSIsowanttowin!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEpickme!!!!!!!!!!!! ILOVEYOUJENNYandIwannacometoyourbooktourwhenyougettoLosAngeles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITWOULDBESOFREAKINGAWESOMEifIcouldcollectmy”winnings”atyourbooktour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So happy for you; love everything you do; can’t wait to meet you (altho I think if I were anxiety-prone, I would not know how to cope with a book tour, so I’m going to keep you in my prayers). WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yay, Jenny! 😀

  179. I know I’m not as witty as some of your other followers, BUT I do think of you Monday through Friday, because there is a house by my office that has a HUGE metal chicken on their upstairs balcony that they dress up for each holiday… Can’t wait for your book. Even if I have to buy it.

  180. Congrats! Can’t wait to read the book! Hopefully I’ll see you in Dallas in April!

  181. Commenting to try to win!
    I’m not going to be one of *those* people and use the comment as a chance to whine about you not coming to my city. After all, Minneapolis is AWESOME! It must not be on your list simply because you forgot it on the poster, not because you’re not coming here, right? RIGHT? *whimper*

  184. The bathroom in my house is clean and the Snoopy SnoCone Machine is ready to make wine slushees for your visit to Houston!

  185. I’m too poor to pre-order and my mom is threatening to just get .it on her Kindle.

  187. OMG you’re going to be in SF on 4/20? oOooooo that’ll be an amusing time. Can’t wait!

  188. So many comments already. I’ve ordered your book, but I also want the audio version, so if I win, may I have dibs on that one?
    This is so exciting for you (and us). Your tour doesn’t come near me (Detroit) – frowny face. If you picked Chicago or Cleveland or Grand Rapids (nice, smaller city, shouldn’t be intimidating), then I would drive there.
    But as it is, New York is the closest and that’s not doable. Okay, I’ll stop whining and rejoice with you on this momentous occasion. Booya!

  189. Comment! I like your taxidermied mouse cover. His ruffled collar just screams class. Totally going be the new trend or something this season. (new-old-new-again, i mean)

  192. So I would totally be stoked if you came to New England, but specifically Western Massachusetts… but I know you’re in Texas, so it prob won’t happen.

    I would totally love the audio book version if you would be so happy to pick me to win! I listen to books while I’m driving as I drive all over the state for work

  194. Yay! I just wish you were coming to Boston or NY on a weekend instead of a weekday.

  197. Yay! The book looks awesome. And though my chances are slim, with over 2000 comments so far, they’re better than the Powerball lottery.

    I’m bummed though, you’re not coming to Iowa? I mean, come on, we’ve got CORN. Plus awesome butterfly pork chops. What’s not to love. At least head on out to Chicago. All the midwest peeps have been shut out! It’s okay if you can’t though. I’ll still love you. Just maybe a little less.

    KIDDING! So happy for you.

  198. Please consider adding a stop in Florida. I promise no one will try to shoot you for packing candy, or arrest you while you’re still wearing (?) your butt plug, or inject you with fix-a-flat, or break your arm for pouring out their beer, or slap you with a piece of pizza, or adopt you to save their fortune, or…jeez. Maybe instead of you coming to Florida I’ll just leave. Excited about the book though!

  199. Hooray! I currently have a one-in-2129 chance of winning! Probably soon to be one-in-10,000 but I prefer to freeze time now and assume that I potentially could still win as opposed to likely lose! If you were coming to Canada I would be there with bells on! (total lie – Canada is HUGE – it would have to be in southern Ontario and that is still huge so probably still a lie. But I would super WANT to be there even if I had to drive 500kM (I have to reference KM instead of Miles because I am – you know – Canadian) only to be barred from meeting you by a protest being done by William Shatner and Nathan Fillion (both of whom are Canadian and both of whom are PROBABLY the reason you aren’t coming here, which will upset me until I am distracted by something awesome … such as reading your book! So see – it is meant to be that I win. Yay!).

  201. Can not wait to read your book, I just recently found your blog and became an instant fan!

  202. You so have got to come to Philly one day. I’d let you sleep in my sofa bed and eat Cheetos with Eddie & Jimmy. Can’t wait for the book. I was telling my MIL about your blog and your book and now she wants you to come sleep on her sofa too.

    PS. Congratulations on your book.

  209. Congratulations, Jenny! I can’t wait to get my copy and book plate next month! 🙂

  210. Yay for you! This is my first Bloggess comment. I felt like that needed to be said. Also, thanks to you, “douche canoe” is part of my regular vocabulary for undesirable people.

  212. OMFG! Even though I preordered it on my kindle, I would FUCKING LOVE to win either of those copies!! I can picture it now…suck ass day at work, pop in Jen’s audio book on my hour and half drive home and by the time I get there, I will be happy and laughing! If I don’t win, I’ll just have to go buy an audio copy. You’re a true inspiration and I hope that you can squeeze in Vegas on your tour!! Much love bubbles to you<3

  213. So many huge congratulations to you! I don’t want to win the book. I’ve already paid for mine. You know the one WITH OUT your autograph. pfft.

  214. Very excited! I can’t wait to read the book. I kind if want the audio book so I can listen to it on my long commute each day but I also fear crashing due to laughing too hard.

  216. So proud of you, and I totally understand the freaking out. You should be screaming it to the world… I wrote a book! Oh wait, you are. Ha! (And by the way, I’d love to win the copy of your book. Then I could be proud too.)

  219. Congratulations! You should come to DC, we are excellent at pretending things never happened.

  220. Count me in for this! Even though I have already pre-ordered. But I’d love the autographed copy too. And to hear you on the audio book. Damn… I’m kinda fan-girlin’ out here.

  221. I don’t see Madison, WI on that list. Tisk, tisk. I’ll take a book as consolation.

  222. Please add Seattle to your tour I’ll ditch work and everything to stand in line to say hi.

  223. Congratulations on the book! You have every right to freak out, geek out, and be ecstatic. Good for you! (husband and I are faithful readers…love the taxidermy)

    All the best,
    Kaki

  225. OMG, the audiobook! I must have!

    But if I listened to your audiobook in the car on the way to work, I may laugh so hard I crash. And would you want to be responsible for f’ing up DC traffic more than it is already???

  226. I sent your previous post to all my girlfriends and told them I was not going to lend them my copy, they had to buy their own. One is furiously downloading your old posts to have on her Kindle while she is on vacation in 2 weeks. San Angelo is only 9 hours away from Albuquerque, entirely doable with a couple of cohorts. See you April 28!

  227. MINNEAPOLIS!
    I just looked and we have tons of taxidermists around here, even schools… FYI

  228. Please, please come to Ohio!!! We don’t get much here and so we live to stalk and would camp out, bring snacks, play games and what ever else we need to keep us busy while in line!!!!

  230. Congratulations again! It must be great to hold your own book in your hand. Any chance you will be coming to Canada – specifically Vancouver, BC??? Please?

  231. That is off-the-charts exciting and I am so excited for you! I am bummed that you aren’t coming to Missouri but am truly impressed that you are stretching yourself and do a tour. That is just awesome!

    Anxiously awaiting your release date!

  232. Please please please come closer to Kentucky. I would totally drive to Chicago for you, but New York is a tad far.

  233. Can you please stop in Alaska on your book tour? I would love that! Thanks!

  234. Woohoo! That is awesome. I would so love a signed copy …..Come to Abilene, TX, we’d love to have you!

  235. Of course, you would come to New York on the same day that I fly to London. Ah well, we can wave at each other at JFK. I haven’t scoped out the bathrooms at the B&N on the East Side, but I’m sure some of your rabid fans could spruce the place up a little. Some fresh flowers, some cozy, panic-reducing candles. An economy-sized bottle of Xanax. You know; it’s the little touches.

    Congrats and have a fabulous tour!

  237. I absolutely LOVED your book excerpt, and I can’t wait to read the rest! So glad you’re going to all those Texas cities!

  239. First time commenter, but I love reading your blog and would be super excited to get your book! Right now it is on my hubby’s hint list for an anniversary present.

  242. PLEASE come to Nashville! we have some book companies Headquarters here and we Always LOVE Authors!

  244. Last time in LA, it was a visit with Wil. This time come visit our house! We can be anxious together, and pet cats to relax.

  246. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE a copy of your book to read while I am on pregnancy bed rest. Your blog keeps me sane in an otherwise insane time.

  247. Oohh, I can’t wait to see you at Book People in Austin. Loved you at LTYM last year in Austin. Congrats on your book!

  248. LOVE! So glad that the books came in! Now I just have to patiently wait for mine! (or try to at least)

    Congrats!

  249. Apparently Chicago is hopelessly un-hip because NO ONE ever comes to see us. Seriously – Blues anyone? The Sears (Or whatever the hell company bought it) Tower? I guess we went out of style with the 1933 World’s fair.

  252. **fangirl scream while running around the room** The Bloggess is going on tour!!!! **looks at locales & gets pouty face complete with tear swollen eyes** Why you no come to Miami? puhlease I’ll even call in sick!! We can find you a nice barnes and noble in the richey rich nieghborhood that is gauranteed to have a nice clean bathroom that you can hide in!!!

  253. dude, i’m so so SO proud of you and this book, BUT i’m mostly proud of you that you’re doing a book tour!

    (will it include wigs? if so, i might be there.)

  254. So excited to see you in LA next month! This is EPIC!

    Are you going to tour with a custom made bathroom like the one they made for you at the BlogHer People’s party?

  255. Wow, I kinda wish you had posted about sharks, but books are good too. REALLY GOOD!!! Congratulations. I would LOVE to win a copy. I am so excited for you!!

  256. I absolutely must have your audio book. It is the only way I’ll get through my eight hours of hell. Please?

  260. Congratulations! Your success keeps me motivated to finish my own book 🙂

  262. If you come to Oxford for the UK release of the book, I can take you out for a proper pint. 🙂 Congratulations!

  263. OH MY COW! That’s a lot of responses so quickly. HUGE CONGRATS…Geek Out tell they call you Urkle! This is a huge accomplishment!

  264. WOO-HOO!! You’re coming here on the 19th!!! I’ll totally come see you! 🙂

  267. YOU ARE SO FLIPPIN AWESOME! Too bad you’re not coming to Chicago, we could meet, and we could become best friends in real life (then we’d be more than imaginary “besties” like in my mind)

  268. Ok so really the odds of you reading comment 2140ish are slim to none but I say fuck it I am going to write anyway.
    1.) I want your signed book…the end.
    2.) Your book tour should come to Vegas. No book tours ever come to Vegas and there is lots of free drinks
    3.)I may or may not be helping to plan a proposal that will use a Beyonce. I will keep you updated.
    Thanks 🙂

  269. I hope I win! I hope I win!!!!! I don’t care that I already have the Kindle version set to download the second it is available….. I WANT THIS! 🙂

  272. If I call at your book like it’s a cat, is it more likely that it will come to me?
    What do I care. I’ll do it anyway.

    HEEEEEEREEEEE BOOKY BOOKY…. HEEEEEEEEERE BOOKY BOOKY.

    P.S. I want your book.

    Thanks.
    Oh. and CONGRATULATIONS!

  276. OMG! I am so excited! I just can’t decide if I want to get it in book form or in e-book form…oh what the heck, probably both!!

  278. Come to Georgia and I will totally kill and stuff a Hogzilla for you. He, Beyonce and Juanita would be the best of friends.

  279. Fan-farking-tastic! I can’t wait to get mine, I think I’m going to have to get the audiobook too for rides in the car. On second thought, maybe not, I’ll probably get in an accident from laughing. Tricky. I’d love to win though, I’m from the smallest town ever in Canada and you’re not going to come here ever, so this is my only shot at an autographed copy. Love your site, it drags me up on the shitty days, and gives the most helpful information about zombie protection. Funny and informative, my fave.

  280. It’s a weird kind of euphoria when you see something you wrote get published. A legal “high.” 🙂

  281. The last book I read for my own amusement was “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” So, I think it’s only fitting that my next book should also have a mouse on the cover. We’ll just replace the cookie with a cape, obviously.

  282. san angelo? if it were 20 years ago id SO BE THERE. alas…im in dayton ohio. im buying your book anyway, but id be stupid GEEKCITED if i had an autographed copy.

  284. This is fabulous!!! I can’t wait to read your book!

    In unrelated news but news that I think you’ll enjoy nonetheless, I’m currently sitting by the window watching the neighborhood feral cats glare at each other, trying to decide who is going to get the best sun spot on the next door neighbor’s back porch.

  285. I am incredibly sad that you are not coming anywhere near Oregon. Southern Oregon to be exact. I was gonna wear my unicorn success club t-shirt to the event. You should live web cam one of them, so us losers in towns that NEVER get anybody cool to tour in,can watch too!

  286. a few things….
    1. Yay! And congrats
    2. Sharks ARE awesome however I can understand your abandonment of them in favor of this even MORE awesome freak out
    3. Cat butts need to go on tour with you
    4. Do they even make bathrooms big enough for all of us plus catt butts to hold a tour in?

  287. oooooh! i want a book! and an audio book! and as long as you’re keeping the cat butt, then it’s all good! 🙂 Congrats, by the way!!!

  288. Congratulations! What an awesome reason to freak out. Now, when are you coming to SEATTLE???

  289. I’m so excited for this book to come out, and can’t WAIT to read it! If I’m at all able to come to the signing in Los Angeles, I will definitely do so (but my 11-month-old will make that difficult). Anyway, even if I win this contest, I will still come to the signing just to meet you!

  292. OMGYOUGUYS I’m totally psyched, too!! COME TO SEATTLE!! I moved from Austin, so having you visit will be like bringing the sunshine I miss so much. Can’t wait to real about all the debauchery and ribald adventures in your fancy book.
    BeeTeeDubs – this doesn’t get you out of a shark post. Did you see the pic of the dude high-fiving one whilst scuba diving? Yeah, that happened.

  293. April 17 in NYC! Where? What time? Please don’t make it an evening appearance since that’s a Cub Scout meeting night. Not that you will be at the meeting. Unless you want to go to Weehawken to hang with the pack. Which would be cool, at least for the den parents. (by which I mean me).

    Anyway, now you know that you’ll have at least one crazy cub scout mom at your NYC meet ‘n greet. You’ve been warned!

    Oh, and pick me! Pick me!

  295. I am so excited for you and I can’t wait to read your book. I love your blog and I’m sure I will love your book.

  296. I cant wait for your book to come out! 😀 but las vegas isnt on the tours 🙁

  297. Amazing. That’s what you are. So excited and proud and just thrilled for you.

  298. OMFG!! You’re coming to Dallas! Wooohoooooo!! I’ll be the one in the Juanita apron! (I have pre-orderd so if I’m the random winner, just pass it on to someone else. )

    And congratulations!! Very exciting — for allllllll of us!!

  300. ?Oh aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di?

    A celebratory Irish drinking song for you! Congrats girl

  303. I should def win this because you’re not coming anywhere even REMOTELY near Columbus, Ohio, and now I’m absolutely heartbroken.

  304. Pick me please! Unfortunately, I will be on my honeymoon instead of in New York when you will be here. This is the one time I wish I was going to be in New York instead of anywhere else! To make it up to me for such inconvenient scheduling you can give me a free book and audiobook 🙂

  306. Well, I live in Jordan – you know, right next door to Iraq and Syria (lovely neighborhood, really), so I doubt your book tour will bring you here. But I want to win the autographed copy, and I promise I have a U.S. address, so you could really send it if I really won it. Congratulations on your new book!

  307. I already tried to beg and plead my case for your awesomeness to bless my house and it posted on the WRONG FRIGGIN’ POST! I need a wine slushed under my desk now. 9:45 isn’t too early in the morning, right?

  308. I’m in the Navy and at sea. I’ll probably be in the Navy for life. I would love to read your book!

  309. Congrats!!!! Proud of you & impressed by your efforts. Thank you for adding to my life. 🙂

  312. Come to Colorado. Pretty please? Seriously, me and Peyton Manning will make sure your visit will leave you feeling like the only difference between you an John Bon Jovi is a shaggy, frosted coif. Screaming fans, stadiums and all. And our stadium TOTALLY looks like a diaghram… not the anatomical part of your body… the contraceptive. I’ll leave it at that because I’m pretty sure I just convinced you to come to Colorado.

  314. YAY!!! I am going to try so hard to figure out how to come to one of the stops on your tour! I would love the audiocopy of your book!!! I already preorded the book, but as someone else said, I would gladly pass it on to someone who needs it!

  315. I already have a copy of your book pre-ordered, but I would glady accept an autographed copy from you! Also, you should come to Minneapolis, MN on a Thursday or Friday on your book tour!

  316. Congratulations!!
    Wish you were coming to Palm Beach FL but I will just keep counting down the days until my pre-ordered copy decides to show up in my mailbox. 🙂

  317. Congratuations! I hope you can come to Boston some time soon! Enjoy touring and the success of your new book.

  319. If I could figure out a way to drive down to SF from Seattle in 3 hours, I completely would. But those darn Space/Time Continuum guys keep checking up on me to make sure I don’t break things. Sheesh. One little disaster of epic proportions, and no one trusts you anymore. It’s not like I ended the world or anything. So if I manage to get down there don’t tell.

    Congrats on your book! When I get it I’ll hoard it with the rest of my load-bearing-wall destroying collection.

  320. When you have a blog as good as yours – a book of equal or parallel caliber is to be expected. How fantastic and wonderful for you – thank you for the laughter you bring to my friends and I over this last year, that’s how long I have known about you, i can honestly say your stories bring tears to our yes, not only of laughter, mind you, but heartfelt empathy and support as well.

    Thanks so much for adding yet another reason to get up.

  322. wow. not such good odds for winning but I’m gonna try anyway. I can’t wait to read your book!

  323. I think it’s official, The Bloggess Army is larger than Dumbledore’s Army. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

  324. I am so excited for your book to come out. Bummet that your book tour wont bring you to New Mexico.

  326. You should come to Canada! You can use your $10 bill! But come in the summer- after the igloos have melted.

  327. I don’t blame you for the little freak-out! It’s freaking exciting!!
    But, how did you get my cat’s butt in your picture???
    I’d love to win this fabulous prize!

  329. Holy Skittle-crapping unicorns, Batman! I totally peed myself when I saw that you wanna give those away! Only thing better than getting my hands on my own TARDIS (and I’m working on it, don’t worry. First stop, your place… I’ll bring the booze, too! Drunken TARDIS driving- what could possibly go wrong?) is a FREE BOOK. Especially YOUR book! It’s like a party in my head! We can even invite Agatha Christie- bet that woman knows how to party. Or at least bring a little air of mystery. I’m just sayin’ right now- the judge did it. Don’t even bother considering the butler. He’s just a red herring. Mmmm… herring. I’ll bring that too. Best. Party. Ever.

    I’m gonna go change my pants now. OOH! Wouldn’t that be something to win? FREE PANTS!

  330. In the spam of 5 hours you’ve had 2,280 people comment on this……… You.Are.A.Rockstar.

    Many blessings of happiness and success in this and other adventures!

  331. Will you be wearing the red dress to any book signings? You really need to come to Minneapolis. The snow is all gone – really!!

  332. Disappointed that the cat butt isn’t included. I mean, come on, it’s CAT BUTT.

    However, I could be consoled by being chosen to win the rest.
    REALLY.

  335. I can’t wait to read your book! And I’m so excited that you are going on a book tour too – maybe they can set the signing up in the bathrooms of the bookstores to make it a little bit more homey for you!

  336. I would love, Love, LOVE a copy of the book! Both paper and audio! Woohoo and congrats!

  338. Hells yeah, you’re coming to Book People! I will see you there, unless there’s a crowd. I hate crowds, they freak me out. If there’s a crowd I’ll be at Opal Divine’s boozing it up.

    PS Stop freaking out. You’re awesome.

  339. Wow. I think I will have to give your book a read. I haven’t read a book in the past 2 years due to chronic idiopathic chest pain making it hard for me to focus but there’s just something about your writing that makes me want to try!

  340. My dude and I have already decided that your audio book will be the setting for our honeymoon driving extravaganza. And if the rest of the book is as sexy as the HR/penis excerpt was, I know it won’t disappoint!

  341. YAY!!!! I see that Dallas is on the list. I cannot wait to find out the details. Do you think this would count as family friendly leave from work? I swear boss, my cousin will have an absolute panic attack if I am not there 🙂

  343. Already placed my preorder with a local independent bookstore but would happily give a 2nd copy to a friend. Can you come to Cleveland??

  344. Pick me, pick me! So excited for you, and I can’t wait to read your book!!! Are you sure you don’t want to come back to Alaska?

  345. Just told my brother the “Is this your penis?” story yesterday…love you.
    Congratulations.

  346. Weeeee! That’s great, I’d love a copy! Wish you were coming to Seattle, but hey, if wishes were fishes, we’d all ea…I guess I’d still starve…since I don’t eat fish…

  347. This is FANTASTIC! I can’t wait to get my copy but winning an extra one would be great! I would LOVE to hear the audio version. I’m sad that I don’t get the cat butt though.

  348. Pick me please! And come to St. Louis! I’ll take you to all the awesome places people act like don’t exist here!

  349. MAN! No one cool ever comes to my neck of the woods.BUT if you ever by any chance get to West Virginia, I’ll be first in line!

    Congrats on your book!

  351. Philadelphia luvs ya. Vegan cheesesteaks… pick me and I won’t make you eat one.

  353. I WANT ONNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

    And by that I mean a cat butt, but I ALSO want one of your book. One of your books? One book, that I want one of. I’ll go refresh my grammar knowledge while you pick me as the lucky winner.

  354. CONGRATULATIONS! I’ll be at the tour stop in Houston (will be a newlywed of two days – perfect present to myself!). So exciting for you (and me)!

  356. I, too, am sad the cat butt is not included but I’m so excited about your book! I wish you were coming to Boston? Boston in the spring is very Bostoninthespring-ish. You should come!

  357. I have a nice guest room I could lend you should you come to Raleigh, NC. Translation: COME TO RALEIGH, NC!

  359. 1) I would totallly, totally coem see you if you were stopping anywhere closer than Califronia. Preferably Seattle, WA, but I could be convinced to drive all teh way down to Portland if you’d like to meet in the middle…

    2) Please?

  361. Can’t wait to read your book! Could you come to Milwaukee please?!

  363. I know it’s not nearly as cool as San Francisco or Austin. But you are going to DALLAS, so could you (pretty please) come to Memphis??? It’s a very cool, very old town. Lots to see and do besides Elvis. Not that you can DO Elvis, since he’s been dead almost 35 years. Damn, wouldn’t it have been great if they had taxidermied him? Not so people could DO him, but so people could SEE him? But, I’m getting away from my originial point. There is a LOT to do here besides Elvis stuff (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Thriving music and arts scene, great food, and I WOULD GET TO SEE YOU! *please?!?*

  365. Yay YOU! I won’t be anywhere near any of your impending tour stops, but if you get to the East Coast I’ll travel to see you!

  366. oh boy oh boy oh boy!!! Pick me!! Pick me!!! You can even stay at my house when you come to Dallas!!

    Congratulations!! I can’t wait to get a copy! If it’s half as funny as your posts- I’ll be a happy camper!

  367. Jenny,
    I love you dearly, but knowing all about your anxiety disorder, I’m wondering where they are going to find a bathroom big enough to hold all of us when we come and see you on tour…
    The book is beautiful and is truly a testament to how hard you have worked and how much you have overcome!
    Congratulations…and YAY

  369. No Vancouver or Seattle date? Come on!
    Guess I just have to wait for my book to arrive!

  370. Please oh please oh please oh please come to Florida!!!!!! We had a bridal shower for two of the girls at work last night, and of course almost all of the conversation was about YOU! and your book, and your blog, and Beyonce, and Juanita, and balls…but that’s probably unrelated…Can’t wait, so excited!!!!!!!!!!!

  373. Don’t forget about your Canadian friends. I will pay the shiping if it helps. Canada loves ya babe!!

  374. Please, please, please come to Tucson! You might eve be able to find a taxidermied javelina to add to your family!

  375. Congrats on the book tour! I think you should add Bangor, Maine to your list…we have a Books a Million and they have fantastic bathroom facilities for your hiding pleasure and I’ll volunteer to be Security for you and slide books for signing under the stall!

    And I really hope my number comes up to win this prize pack…..I’ve had a very shitty week since bei g let go from my job (hence my free time to be able to be security), major case of PMS, and a skunk has taken up residence under my porch…..FML

  376. I’m gonna plead with you, oh grand and wise Bloggess: please consider me for this book prize!

    My fiance and I are in Mexico and books in English are about worth their weight in gold to me. They don’t even have to be good books. But if they are good books, as yours simply MUST be based on how much I read and re-read your blog… well then they are hallowed pieces of artwork displayed lovingly on a bookshelf in my home (after I’ve read them throughly of course). I even dust that shelf. It’s like the golden calf except I didn’t melt any earrings to make this shrine and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be smited (smote?) for being a book worm. …you’d think for as much as I read I would not know the proper tenses of smite.

    Your book isn’t translated in Spanish [yet] so I won’t be able to find it down here and ordering it from the states… well most times places won’t ship down here without tripling the cost of the object ordered, or they package it in a way it gets stuck at border customs for just about an eon. And then I’ll be so behind from everyone else who’s gotten to read it. I just wanna keep up with the hip cool kids.

    Help me out. I’ll send you a tiny sombrero (or 6!) for Juanita and or Hamlet or Ferris in exchange. 🙂

  378. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaase come to Chicago! Because we have great food. And also 4 season in one day. And windy corrupt politicians. And Genghis Khan at the Field Museum. And Jellies at the Shedd Aquarium. And deep dish pizza. And hot dogs without ketchup. And a river with dead bodies in it. And a trolley. And Vince Vaughn lives here. Did I mention we have dead bodies in a river?

  379. Austin, Austin, Austin! I’m totally going to be there! Hooray!!!!!!
    Although, when you said “my book is here” I had hoped, for just a moment, that you meant ALL of them were here, and would ship. **Sadness** I guess it’s fair that you get to read it first, though!

  380. HOLY COW! I wish you were coming closer to me, but I don’t think anyone EVER comes to Arkansas. Hell even President Player left us!

    I would totally come if you were closer than 6 hours away! Of course I could fly to dallas, but then I would use up my frequent flyer miles, and while you are totally worth it, I want to use those for an evil plan.

    Oh and I would like to subject myself to the truckloads of other entries for an autographed book!

  381. Would you consider giving away the cat butt as well? I’d like the book either way.

  386. OMG, almost 3000 comments? Probably not going to win an autographed anything here, but I still wanted to say CONGRATS and WOO-HOO! and think you might add Boston to that tour list????

    BTW, I think you should autograph the cat’s tail just because it caught the awesomeness by being in the picture. You can then give Ferris Mewler to your husband and tell him he won a celebrity autograph! 😉

  387. I am happy for you Jenny about your book and everything good in your life recently. However, I thought you and Matthew Broderick would be having cake today because of his birthday. I would love a pic of you guys eating your cake with spatulas. 🙂 Maybe this will be tomorrow’s post.? I will check in then as I always do because I am not on Twitter and the sharks can wait.

  389. *squeal*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So giddy FOR you!!!!!!! I try not to comment, mostly because I’m too damn lazy to scroll past your hoards of fans, but I so love you and I so love contests… it’s actually a bit of a sick fetish, but I’ll leave those details for another day. Ah yes, and I’m totally pursuing a career change into the fabulous world of taxidermy because you have inspired me beyond words. I plan on telling my family this evening. I also totally plan on filming their collective reaction 🙂 *MORE SQUEALING*!!!!! xoxox

  390. Wow! Congratulations. This next month is going to be so freaking awesome for you! Congratulations.

  391. Offering a free copy of your book to fans/commenters is like dropping a guppy into an over-populated piranha tank.
    Marlin Perkins & Steve Irwin are in heaven double dog daring each other.
    Steve: “You should totally comment, with all the taxidermy you have, she’s sure to give you a book.”
    Marlin: “Are you nuts? How ’bout YOU comment. Her fans will cut you & I would pay good money to see that.”

  392. Given my phobia of mice…I actaully would not mind having your book on my coffee table. I might scream and/or throw things at it every so often, but then will be estatic to realize that it is not a real mouse dressed up as Hamlet.

  394. You should probably make a stop in Michigan, as I am a college student and unable to find money to travel any further than that. With that said, you are a huge inspiration to me, and it would be lovely to meet you in person.

  395. OHMYGODTHISISTOTALLYAWESOMETHANKYOU! Sorry for all the yelling, but I am just so excited that you are having a giveaway of your book. This is fabulous! Congrats and good luck on the road. I want to come and get a book autographed while you are on tour – can you add in a DC locale? Hmm? Pretty Please?!!!

  396. Oh my god, I need to win this signed copy so that I can bring it when you stop in Austin and have you SIGN IT AGAIN.

  398. I haven’t commented before but i think My wife would want a chance to win this so i might as well so we double our chances. BTW i am pro Victor and many times when my wife tells me about your wacky adventures, I think Victor would be happy to know I ALWAYS agree with him!!
    Thanks for your posts, they bring much joy and head shaking to my day!

  399. You’re coming to Dallas the day before my husband’s birthday! That can be his gift (since you won’t share the cat butt…so selfish).

  400. I’m looking so forward to reading your book! Thanks for taking the time to create it 🙂

  403. Jenny Jenny Jenny, you forgot to list Chicago as a stop on your tour! My birthday is April 28th so I will warmly accept your visit as a belated birthday gift!

  404. I’m so excited about the book! It’s number 1 on my to-read-while-in-the-hospital-or-up-with-my-new-baby list. Which does mean that I’m going to hold it until May and feel a bit left out of the awesomeness for a few weeks.

  407. I saw at least one. Person said you should come to Wisconsin, and I second that! (Or fifth, or whatever wee’re on now!)

    And even though I have your book release marked on my calendar, I can’t wait to turn my Kindle on and have it download! I’m going to act like I drunk ordred it and have no idea what it is, so I can have a solid excuse to sit around and read it instead of doing any of my house work!

  408. I already pre-ordered a book, but I can always use another to give as a gift.
    Also, make sure you add Atlanta! We have a big airport and stuff. It’s easy to find.

  409. I would love a signed copy (not that the odds are in my favor). Congratulations, Jenny!

  412. i can’t even imagine what it would be like to successfully write a book. wow. congratulations!

  414. Can’t wait to get my copy. And wish your tour was brining you to KY, because I ( and about 50 of my friends) would so be there.

  417. OMG! The houston signing is totally in walking distance from my office! You flipping rawk! I already pre-ordered but I’m totally gonna be there in line as soon as I get off work hoping to meet my hero. Thank you!

  421. You know, metro Detroit would be a GREAT place for an extended book tour.

    Not really, but it would be great to see you.

    Hooray for the book!

  423. I would love to come to one of your book tour stops but none are near me (Cincinnati). Can’t wait to read the book, one way or another. Congratulations!

  425. I am sure at some point you will be in Chicago and hopefully, Jen Lancaster can come as well (although I know she also has a book tour coming up). That way I could get to see both of you, my favorite authoresses! Due to my own anxiety issues, including screaming “We’re all gonna die!” anytime I need to go into the city, I would not normally do this, but for you Jenny – anything. You have been an inspiration for many of us, and an advocate for those of us w/ mental illness. I can’t thank you enough and I am sure your zillions of fans agree with me! Good luck on your tour. I’ll bring some extra Xanax, just in case.

  428. Awesome!!! I preordered it last week and I can’t WAIT to read it! I wish it was out now!!!

  432. Honestly, you go anywhere in Washington State and I will cross the border to see you!

  434. So I do love the cat butt addition to the photograph. I initially thoought it was a feather quill and then I realized it was cat butt…which immediately led to a spectacular mental image of you somehow writing your novel with a cat butt quill…and the rest of the cat was definitely still attached to the butt quill…

    Anyway, congrats on the book! I can’t wait to get my hot little hands on it (literally my hands are warm pudgy little baby hands…)

    Toodles!

  436. Congratulations-I can’t imagine working on something for a decade! Please, pretty please, come to Denver? It’s beautiful here :). And I’m pretty confident I could deliver some taxidermied roadkill to your signing.

  438. Two Words: Totally. Awesome! All this AND you got to hang out with the Wheatons, too? You are having a GREAT month! 🙂

  439. Ooooh! I will totally take off work to come see you in Austin. And I also want to win, because I want the Audiobook, which I may order anyway so I can have it on my Nook. Because I think hearing you read the story will add just that much more to it. And I have pre-ordered my copy and a bookplate and I still wanna win because YOU. ARE. OSSIM.

  441. I love you and your crazy. Please move to Iowa and replace my product of inbreeding neighbors. There isn’t much to do, but there is plenty of corn to throw at people.

  442. I finally finished reading your entire blog. It’s taken me just over a month on my lunch breaks (and sometimes not on the lunch breaks haha) to read the entire thing. Everyday I’ve been filled with laughter, tears and so many emotions from your blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being YOU!
    Wish you were coming to Washington DC for a book signing. Guess I’ll have to catch the bus to NYC.

  444. YAY!! Super-duper exciting! Can’t wait to read your book! You are so talented and funny. Hope you have fun on tour too! :o)

  445. You are awfully endearing with your ongoing Squeeeee in anticipation for this event. I am glad to be a witness to it all. Cheers! -Jennifer

  446. You aren’t coming to FLORIDA???? WHYYYYYYYY NOTTTTTTTT? Ugh. I’m crushed. I still pre-ordered your book though. Please come. I’m begging…

  448. Dont know if you are more excited about it coming out, or all your fans… i think collectively, we are more excited simply because millions of excited persons have to have a *little* bit more excitement then 1 very excited Bloggess!! Looking forward to it!! Thanks for being my little laugh along the way, you are inspiring!

  450. I would LOVE to win a autographed copy of your book! I didn’t preorder in time to get the bookplate because, well because I’m an idiot sometimes. Looks like my chances are really good, huh, 1/2337 right now. Doh.

  451. Please come to Minneapolis and do a book signing at my house. We can make it a fundraiser for a good charity. Booze slushies. Nachos. No Nathan Fillion. You can even borrow my kayak and just go paddle out to the middle of the lake if you’d like.

  454. Congrats! I can’t wait to read your book! Have you ever thought about visiting South Africa? If you do decide to go to New Zealand or Germany or Australia, you’ll definitely have to come here too!

  455. I am saying many little prayers that you will be able to schedule a time to come to Portland (Oregon, that is- Maine is much to far away). I absolutely adore this blog, you, your animals and soon to be, your book. YAY!! congrats on all the hard work and please please please talk to someone about coming to PORTLAND!!!
    I will bring the wine slushies. (and Harold, my stuffed pheasant)

  456. Ummm…I think you forgot Nashville. I’ll forgive you, but only if you come to receive the forgiveness in person. In Nashville.

  458. HOLY crap I’m never gonna win this because look at all these comments. But anyway congrats!

  459. Congratulations!! I am so looking forward to reading your book.
    I want to say thank you…your writing has put a smile on my face when nothing else could.

    Ps. come to Canada. And since its so big, I’ll make it easier for you…..come to Toronto ;P
    I swear we is good people

  460. SOOO EXCITING!!! Wish you were coming to Virginia or DC even … sadly I cannot make to any other states 🙁 Oh well … cant wait to get my hands on a copy of the book. Extremely happy for you my dear. Awesome day indeed.

  461. I see that Anchorage, Alaska, is not one of the cities on your tour list. Got something against long plane rides?

  463. GOOD LORD I had to scroll for hours to post this!!! But many many many many many congratulations to you, your cat butt, and your book!!!

  464. With this many comments I know I don’t have a chance. But I’m going to suggest Columbus, Ohio. Who wouldn’t want to visit there…

  465. I hope I win, but I will probably buy your book even if I don’t. Also, depending on what time your appearance is in Los Angeles, I will definitely try to be there so that I can go all fan-girl on your ass. Be prepared for some majoring SQUEE-ing!

  466. OH MY LORD I WANT A SIGNED COPY OF YOUR BOOK AND AUDIOBOOK.

    Though I already pre-ordered the e-book version. I want all the versions. If you carved this on stone tablets, I would still want it.

    Also, totally coming to the New York reading! Non-confrontationally! With you! Not at you!

  467. Congrats on the book! Also, why are we skipping Denver? Now I’ll never be able to give you a neck hug!!!

  468. Congratulations! Also, so excited that you’ll be returning to Los Angeles for a book signing.

  471. Yea!!! Can’t wait! (Also…what? No love for the middle of the country? *pouts*)

  473. So very happy for you. I know your family is proud. I would love to go to a signing however, making $330 a month there is not much room for extras. I will be waiting until your book is out in paperback before I can buy it. Good Luck and have Fun!

  474. Bloggess your ROCK! I’m so happy that the book is coming out and can’t wait to read it. Your blog always inspires me and makes me feel that I’m not alone with my many struggles. Thanks for being you 🙂 KC

  476. AHAAAHHHHH Me WANT! I already have a copy on pre-order, but I can give that to some random person if I had a shiny SIGNED copy.

  477. I’ve been looking forward to your book release for months. If this giveaway is international I’d love to be entered.

  478. this is one of my favorite blogs and I can’t wait to read your book!! Looking forward to details for when you are in Dallas!!

  479. I wanna read it! I am sad you aren’t coming anywhere near me, but that’s okay. I understand. Really. *sniff*

  480. plane and simple……You are just fucking awesome. Much more than a ball of twine, even more than any metal animal, just fucking awesome.

  481. What, you’re not coming to Alaska? Trust me, people here would LOVE you. There’s nothing like 8 months of winter to make a person’s humor skew a little off center. And since the cat butt is evidently not being given away, will you please consider me for the books instead?

  482. Eh, the stocks on cat butt aren’t looking great anyways. You should really be trading out. Regardless, I would love your book. I am poor.

  485. Will accept signed book OR cat OR kick ass tablecloth(?) included in photo. If all are signed of course.

    (Shave cat, use sharpie?)(or tattoo?)

  486. Congratulations! They’re so shiny and pretty and I just want to get mine and hide in my bathroom all night while I read it! Can’t wait for next month!

  487. Can you please come to Atlanta?!?! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!! I really want your book, but that pesky little thing called “being broke” got in my way. Stupid money! If I could win it, that would be perfect. And, thanks for the recent excerpt from your book (except for the part of it making me want the book even more!)

  488. I am so excited for you!!!! I should have known better than to read the excerpt during lunch at work yesterday. My co-workers think I’ve slipped off the deep-end. My attempts to stifle my laughter were mostly unsuccessful.

  489. Please, please, please come to Canada (Manitoba specifically)!!!! We are very friendly here (and polite)!!!

    P.S. I’m sure we can find some kind of taxidermied awesomeness for you to take home!!!

  491. I mean YOU are pretty much the most bad-ass person I know. Not to mention, your posts are so much out of the ordinary and tremendously ridiculously awesome. Sorry if I can’t spell. Congratulations on this awesome achievement and safe travels on your book tour. Oh, did I tell how much I FREAKED out when you followed me back on Twitter (@ArtisticMind)!? I couldn’t handle myself. You are amazing. Truly! 🙂 Oh! And if you ever need illustrations….please don’t hesitate to hook a lady up! 😉 Hanks!!! (Thanks)

  493. You know, South Carolina would be a GREAT place to visit…we are supposed to have ‘smiling faces and great places’. In actuality, I can offer you moonshine, tea so sweet it’ll make ya slap ya momma, and a kick ass southern accent. 🙂 Seriously, can’t wait to read this book!!

  495. Me! PICK ME! Cause you’re not coming near me but I could probably smell you on the book. Lol

  496. Ahh! Wish you were coming to Cleveland! Please? Pretty please? I’ve got icecream and beer.

  497. I’m excited for your book! After that excerpt yesterday, I know it will be fantastic! And can’t you make a stop for us Midwestern fans? Madison? Milwaukee? I’d even take Chicago! 🙂

  500. Jenny, if there were any way that you could come to Orlando, I would skip work and come straight there to meet you. You know, at your book signing. Not in a creepy, I’ll drive two hours to stand outside your hotel room while you watch reruns of The Daily Show kind of thing. Well, unless you want that of course.

  503. I’m so excited!!! Your book is how I’m celebrating the end of my semester! Have to give myself something to look forward to after exams. :]

    Too bad you weren’t coming to Denver!

  504. If you can’t freak out over something as SUPER-FREAKING-AWESOME as this (this being your book of course), then really the world is pretty much doomed. Sincerely though, congratulations. A lot of people tend to give up on their dreams or ideas as time passes but you didn’t and now you’ve left your very own profanity laden mark on the literary world.

    I can’t wait to read it!

  505. OMG! OMG! OMG! I’ll see you in Austin!! I am supposed to go on my honeymoon but eh, that can wait. 🙂

  506. You had to choose dates I would be out of the country *shakes fist* I’m entirely sure it was intentional… I had a spatula I was going to bring and everything 😀

    Here’s hoping I win a lovely copy of your book as a consolation prize!

  508. Awesome, can’t wait for your book, but, please, pleaaaaase como closer to Southwest Texas (almost New Mexico) I mean a few hours closer, I will drive to you!!!

  510. Yay! You’re coming to LA. That’s the ONLY reason I didn’t buy your book on Amazon. I thought I’d be all PC and support whatever bookstore is having your signing. Did I mention, yay!

  512. SO exciting! I would love to get a free copy of your book (although if I don’t, I’ll just have to buy it myself).

  516. How exciting!!! If your tour comes anywhere close to NC I’ll definitely be there!

    As for the cat butt, I call false advertising.

  518. Congrats!!! Pick me pick me pick me!!! I’ll buy it regardless, butbit would be glorious to win!

  520. CONGRATULATIONS, Jenny!!!!!!!!

    Wish you were coming to Boston so I could invite you to hang out in my bathroom, but the decorating tastes of the former owners would likely give you nightmares about Pepto Bismol for months, so perhaps it’s just as well. Still … would be so wonderful to meet you!!

  521. Love you!!! Can’t wait to read your book. Did I already say that I love you? (in a completely non-lesbian way, not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

    I work in a remote logging camp, and am away from home for weeks at a time, sometimes your blog makes me laugh on days when I only want to curl up in my room and cry.

    KKMF
    Soggy Quatum Girl

  523. Of course, if you are going to tour like Bon Jovi .. remember you have to insist on getting bowls filled with green M&M’s only .. jus’ sayin’

  524. Wish you were coming to the NW on your tour, but you can make it up to me by sending me that autographed copy! 😉

  525. I may have to be your groupie on the Texas phase of your whirlwind tour of America!
    (without the degrading sexual part of it, of course)

  526. Jenny, you are my hero. Plain and simple. Never stop being you and NEVER stop writing about it.

  527. Seriously?! You’re not coming to Sacramento?? We were going to have a parade and everything… Now I’m crushed.

  528. How awesome!! But I’m sad, you’re not coming to Portland or Seattle. What, we’re too rainy and wintery for you? I mean, just because it snowed this morning (the pictures from Salem are stunning, even though us Portlanders only got a dusting). WHATEVER, Jenny.

    But hey, if you do come to Portland, July or August is a great time. The sun may actually come out and we may even have temperatures above 50 for once, is that too much to ask Mother Nature? Is it?

    But seriously, crappy weather aside– It’s really awesome that you followed your dream or whatever they say these days, and accomplished this whole book thing. I always find it inspiring when people do what they set out to do, especially big huge projects like this one. And also, major kudos for bringing depression out of the closet, kicking and screaming, it helps to not feel alone.

  529. I can’t wait to get my copy next month – and PLEEEEEEASE come to Seattle. It would seriously make my year. 😀

  531. Can’t wait!!!! Hopefully I will get see you in HOUSTON!!! – Let’s hope the boss will understand what a huge thing this will be . . . seeing as I have a mini Beyonce on my desk! Congrats to you!!!

  532. Ohmygosh! I had to scroll down like 10 times! This is an awesome giveaway! I would love to win your book!!!

  533. Oh my, I wish you were coming to Phoenix – I’d love to see you in person and tell you how much laughter you’ve brought into my home! Is there any way that you can make a quick stop here so that your adoring fans can meet you??????

  534. I think that is the best news i have had today! Now since we all believe that we are your best friends, choosing one to give a book to will be hard. I think it should be me. I have no life and cant live it through my kids anymore as they dont need me. my sports team sucks! oh and i had to chase a thief that i caught in my son’s vehicle. (ON 2 fractured legs!!!) have a heart. lol

    thanks for making me laugh every week!

  537. I’d like to put a copy of your book into my “silver ribbon days” box, where I keep all manner of things to distract and cheer me when I need it most. If I don’t win it, though, I’ll buy it with the blood of those I’ve run over in my wheelchair. The end.

  538. I wish you were touring a bit closer to Vermont (Boston, pretty please???)…but I can’t wait to read the book! Congratulations–I think if I published a book I would be SHOUTING about it for the rest of my life!

  539. Please come to north Texas! If you do I will gift you an antique stuffed duckling who is missing his glass marble eyes so it looks like he is always quizzically in deep thought. A very wise little duck.

  541. Would really love to see you in NC!! We have a metal art gallery in Pittsboro. You could go home with metal working ants!!

    Congrats on your book – much success to you!

  542. I already pre-ordered your book on Amazon, but I’d love an autographed copy (pick me! pick me!). Of course, if I don’t win I’d have to come get it autographed in person when you’re in L.A. Hmmm….

  543. The Pacific Northwest needs to go on your tour list as well!! Getting to meet you is going on my Bucket List!!! You would probably be secluded in the bathroom of some random bookstore, but you would know it’s me when you hear “KNOCK, KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” and you would let me in. I’m thinking of having a tattoo of Juanita on my back in your honor. One more thing, you MUST wear the amazing RED DRESS when you’re touring, because you look simply fucking fabulous in it!!!! Much love and hugs, and more love!!!

  546. DAMN! I have plans in the 20th (and I live in Sacramento, so it’s not like I can just run to SF, it’s a 3+ hour round trip. NOT THAT YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT, but I have guests that evening back in Sacramento that I’ll have to prep for.)

    Of course, this fretting is a moot point considering you’ll probably be hiding in the bathroom and that’ll get awfully crowded. ;D

    Congratulations on all your success!

  549. Holy shit snacks. 2500 comments already! Don’t any of your readers have anything better to do than watch their feed reader for your latest post to show up? Me, neither.

    The tour sounds awesome, but I’m bummed you’re not coming to Denver. Would be totally awesome if it was a bathroom tour. I’ll bet there’s not another author, anywhere, who could pull that off.

  550. I would enjoy if you came to Canada 🙂 We aren’t totally frozen wastelands and polar bears. We have black bears, too.

  551. If you were coming to Seattle I’d suggest that your Ferris Mewler & my Cat Benetar had a feline play date, but alas you are not… boo hiss.

  552. Oh you are coming to dallas!!! I <3 you should I bring a stiff drink ??
    I think you are awesome

  554. So come to Kansas. I am sure you will have a lot to write about once you meet the crazy conservatives in these parts.

  555. I figure since your tour isn’t coming to Canada you should favor us wacky Canadians (There could be a taxidermied moose in it for you.. okay not really but its the thought that counts right?) my beloved girl-lifecompanion would squeal in delight to posses your autograph (and book) I’m more the mechanical chicken type myself… one day.

  556. Why must cats put their butts in everyone’s business? I would love an autographed copy of your book, JL – and my cat would probably sit her fat butt on it.

  557. Come to El Paso! Even if you don’t wind up having an event here I will take you out to dinner!

  558. Oh I hope I win. But if I don’t, I was already planning on buying your book. I’m excited. And I second the other suggestions that you come to Seattle. It’s the closest big city to me, and I’d definitely travel for this!

  564. Awesome! I already preordered the book. Getting the audiobook would be great!

  565. Congratulations! I loved the excerpt you posted — and here’s another vote for a stop in the Chicago area. 🙂

  567. Holey Hemorrhoids! Look at all these folks looking for a handout, besides me that is. I’d love to read your book, however, if I’m the lucky one, I’m going to recommend whatever drug cocktails you’re on to my ex-wife, at least my kids will appreciate it.

  571. Aw man! $20 for the L.A. signing? And it doesn’t even include the book (which I’ve of course already pre-ordered anyway). That’s pretty steep for a signing. I know you don’t determine prices so I still love you and I’ll still come. Maybe instead of signing the book I’ll ask you to sign my taxidermied (sp?) hamster. The Dread Pirate Roberts would be so happy.

  572. I’m freaking out too…not because I did anything, but because I feel like part of your group…like a founding member of the USC and I’m so excited to see the creator of all things mostly true have a real life book…and I can’t wait to get my copy and also sometimes I get a little panicky that I didn’t request my book plate the right way and I won’t get one…and what of I ordered the wrong book and I end up with some self help book for insecure people…and then I take a deep breath because this is about you not me…and I get excited again because you got your book!

  573. I was hoping to get an autograph in person, but you are not coming close enough to Tulsa! Please, please add more locations. Like Tulsa.

  575. Long time lurker, first time commenter! I can’t wait to get a copy of your book, you’re a wonderful writer, and you crack me up all the time 🙂

  576. But, what? No Minneapolis? No Chicago? No St. Louis? We have big cities, too. And, I am all ready to go with my nachos.

    I’m getting all Eeyore about this, now. Maybe it will be better next month, when my book arrives. In the meantime, perhaps looking at the completely awesome Wil Wheaton holding twine wil lift my spirits.

  578. Wouldn’t miss your Dallas stop for anything. Eagerly awaiting place & time. Congrats

  579. I am soooooo happy for you!!!!! I am less happy for me as my bathroom is not listed on your tour and I have offered it numerous times, nachos included. I did not pre-order the audio book. I am poor. BUT, I hope to have it eventually. Finding you last summer has helped me through some of the worst moments since my daughter died. I heart you, Jenny.

  581. I am so excited to read your book! Unfortunately I don’t imagine you will be touring in Canada, so I probably will never get to meet you. Congratulations and celebrate!

  583. I would happily read your book, or listen to it while baking. How exciting, the prospect of getting a copy signed by the Bloggess!

  584. *Kermit flail* Yaayayayayayay! But sad face for not coming to anywhere in the southeast. If you come to South Carolina I will find a nice pretty bathroom for you to have your book signing in. And wine slushies all around!

    So excited for you Jenny! Congratulations! (Although, holy cow, over 2500 posts!)

  589. yes! your visit to book people has been on my calendar for awhile now. can’t wait.

  590. I can’t wait to read your book! Mine is preordered for my Nook but thinking of buying the hardback as well! Please also try to tour in Hampton Roads Virginia. I would be first in line.

  591. WooHoo I cant wait for your book. Reading your blogs cheer me up constantly, so i cant imagine how awsome your book will be.

  593. Dude! I see no Atlanta! For that matter seems like the whole southeast is missing out. Hey, you have readers here too! And we have slushies!

  594. Somewhere in the three billion comments that preceded mine I’m sure someone has already asked, but it’d be nice if you’d come to Nashville, Tennessee. It’s a lot like Texas…but different.

  595. Congratulations, now send me my free copy RIGHT NOW!!! Damnit I need something funny as hell to read.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  597. You need to come to Kanab, UT! (Yes, seriously!) It’s amazingly beautiful, and you’d love Best Friends! (www.bestfriends.org).

  599. Can I win even though I live in Canada? Even if I don’t I am totally going to buy/beg/borrow/steal your book cause it’s going to be super awesome!

  601. It seems entirely appropriate to be freaking out. If you are thinking of coming to Portland, OR, I’ll personally scout out the best bathroom for you.

    P.S. Oh, and we have a lot of micro-breweries and vineyards so we got you covered there.

    P.P.S. And we have VooDoo Donuts. No one else can offer that.

  603. I can’t go to your upcoming tour, since I live in Canada and don’t have the money to get there. I don’t know if you can hear it, but rest assured I am wailing is sadness. Wailing. Which isn’t to be confused with whaling in sadness, since that would mean I was in a book called Moby Dick.

    I really hope you come along to Canada sometime, I’d be very happy to buy your book and get an autograph! I read your blog all the time anyway but for at least the next month or so, I’ll be looking as alertly as I can (I read your stuff in the mornings) to see if there’s any dates in Canada, specifically Calgary or Edmonton for me to attend!

  604. I want your book, please??!!!

    And please come to Raleigh so I drag all my friends to show how awesome you are!!

  607. Oh, soooo jumping in on this one. A tiny hopping “pick me, pick me.” Beyond awesome and a woo-hoo in on the SF date! Kudos and congrats!

  609. I cannot wait for your book! Congratulations on it ~ I love, love, love this blog. Everything cracks me up, by far the funniest was the Big Metal Chicken & this year my sister (whom I shared that post with & she about peed herself) will be celebrating their 15th Anniversary this year…and I quote “I will be buying her a metal chicken that I will perch in her driveway while she is sleeping so that she will pull out of her garage to see it staring her in the face as she backs out of her driveway!” Because I’m an awesome sister like that. 🙂

    Please pick me? And you should come to Fargo, ND – yes I said North Dakota. Don’t judge, we are nothing like the movie. Well, most of us aren’t.

  612. Since you can’t go to hell without having a layover in Atlanta, you’ll probably be here at some point in time anyway. You should just set up shop in the baggage terminal and we’ll all come to the airport to meet you. Also, the bathrooms in the airport are big, though not so lovely. But a lot of us could fit in there.

  614. You’re coming to HOUSTON?! Yay! Nobody I like *ever* comes here! It’s always Austin and Dallas, and then they move on. Can’t wait, Thank You!!!!

  615. Congratulations! You certainly deserve it. I can’t wait to get my copy, so that I can read more about your asking men about their penises!

    Ruth

  616. Why oh why aren’t you coming to Providence or Boston?! I can’t go to NYC to see you and I would love to meet you so I can tell you how much your life makes me laugh! Ok, that may have come out wrong but oh well. LOVED the excerpt from the book and can’t wait to read it all! And that is why you should randomly pick me to receive the autographed copies. P.S. thank you for the paper Beyonce. I left one for my husband in his closet…knock, knock…

  619. I would love to win your book! Also, if I was in one of those places at the same time as you, I would totally come, but I won’t be, so I can’t. But I would! If you ever come to MN, I’ll be first in line. (or as close to first as I can get. My own personal Victor will probably hold me back from camping out or anything)

  623. But I reeeeealy wanted the cat butt. Oh well, the book will be pretty fun too.

  628. Where the heck is Fairview Texas? I hope I’ll have my book by then so you can autograph it – WAIT! I’m going to have my name drawn from here and win an autographed book – then I can auction off the book I ordered! You truly are wonderful!

  629. Are you going to detach your bathroom from your house and tour inside that? You could totally put wheels on that baby and get the media involved…perhaps carve a small hole that your mouth could only talk out of so they can’t exactly see you, just your mouth moving; This totally works in any anxiety case. This is my theory. I hope you are the first to test it out.

  630. Oh. Sad. I can’t make your San Francisco stop, as I live in San Francisco, but the book shop is a good 12 or so miles North, and I don’t own a car.

    … Unless you could give me a ride. Then I’ll be there with bells on. Literally, if that’s what it takes. And pay the bridge toll, because that’s just common courtesy.

    Either way, I look forward to the book.

  636. Looks like the closest you’re going to get for me is San Francisco. I live in rural Nevada so I’m used to doing a little travel for a good thing.

  637. Awesome! I’m so excited for this to get to my house! I pre-ordered a long time ago it feels like. Sadly it says it will ship the day before I leave the country for a month. Aaaaaaack!!

  640. Please come to Vancouver, BC – if not, I’ll meet you half-way in Seattle 🙂

    Would bribing you with a stuffed beaver help my case?

  641. I’m so happy for you. Trying to figure out if i should by the ebook version or the physical copy. I think the physical one, because then i can lend it out to people.

    I would love to come see you when you are in LA. I feel like we are old friends. Alas, I have to work that day, and LA is an hour away from me, so no bueno. I am crushed, but I am sure you will have throngs of people there, including the amazing Wil Wheaton with his twine and his papers!

    Good luck on your tour! I am sure that you will be amazing! Just remember to bring a ziplock baggie full of Xanax, ala your friend Nancy!

  642. Congrats on your book! I have to admit, the excerpt you posted the other day had me LOLing. I’d love to win my very own copy! 🙂

  644. If only you were coming to Minneapolis or Fargo or some other upper midwest semi metropolis!

  646. I totally deserve this book because I live in indiana and no one in their right mind would even come here, which means I’ll never get to meet you.. PLUS!!! I am excited to read your book and am pretty sure it’s something my library won’t ever own (because they aren’t awesome) and my husband and Victor could be identical twins (which means he’ll never support my passion for your book)… 🙂

  647. So excited! Bummed out because I’m flying over to the east coast in April but I’ll miss your book signing in NY by a couple days 🙁 You should add Anchorage Alaska to your list!

  649. Commenting for book! I have Beyonce printed out and taped up on the wall at work. I hope to see you in April 🙂

  652. I live in Alaska so we rarely get author signings (except sometimes at the Barnes & Noble) but OMFG SO EXCITED FOR EVERYONE ELSE! And especially for you, books are coming out! Yays! *happy dance*

  653. I can’t wait until you come to San Francisco. I am going to schedule a vacation day to drive up to the city to meet you. Proud of you, you have done something I aspire to do.

  655. Damn and blast. The year I leave Texas is the year you go on a book tour in all of the cities within a couple of hours from where I live.

    I’m never leaving the country again.

  656. I also vote for Chicago. Or Iowa City, however I feel that the Shiny Bean Thing in Chicago is more interesting than… Corn Fields.. in Iowa.
    Either of those dates, and I will drop my pants and be there.
    …
    By “my pants” I meant “whatever it is I might be doing”
    Those are totally interchangeable.

    Oooh!
    There could always be a Midwest Pantsless Carpool someone else could organize. To go to one of those other locations.
    Emphasis on someone else. Because I am a horrible organizer. But I would totally participate.

    <3

  659. Do you hear the siren call of Baltimore? Of course you do. We have crabs. And… Well, we have crabs. I hear they are tasty, but not being a native Marylander, I have to pretend I have a shellfish allergy so as to not be forced to eat them daily from May until September, because that’s what we do here. Anyway, you should come to Baltimore, mostly so I can pretend we are besties for 24 hours. Good times.

  662. I can’t wait until July for the book to come out in the UK, so jealous of everyone in the US! xx

  663. Reading your blog has really helped me through stuff, i have severe panic attaks and am a stay at home mom. Sometimes a laugh a day really makes the whole day better!

  664. You should make a stop somewhere in the Midwest! Missouri, would be awesome…

  665. I so want the audio book for our next road trip to hell/MIL’s house. Think the toddler would mind?

  666. Eeeeeep! Oh My Gawd! How freakin’ exciting is that!! Right there in front of you! Your very own book!
    Holy Crap.
    You’ll probably never see this post, but I’m going to congratulate you anyway. You deserve it.
    It’s an amazing accomplishment…I was just on Amazon eyeing it longingly. I shall wait and see if I am plucked from one of the many adoring fangirls and boys.
    Peace out.

  667. I would definitely come and meet you if you were coming to Memphis. I didn’t see us on the list :(. I read your blog every day but you always have so many commentors that I just figured I’d get lost in the shuffle. Maybe I’ll get lucky with this one and be drawn for your wonderful book (I hope I hope I hope). Anyway I think you are the blogging queen….

  668. Please tell me the tour list isn’t complete and that you will be coming to Atlanta.

  669. oh please, please, please come to Boston or Maine or anything in northern New England! You could come to our lovely & quirky little island in Casco Bay! But I would also drive to Boston to see you. This is SO EXCITING! Congratulations!

  671. Congratulations, not only have you achieved something wonderful, you are bringing joy and humor to the rest of us. That’s a win all around 🙂 Thank you!

  677. Is that Ferris Mewler’s official review of the book? Sorry, I don’t trust him, I’ll read it myself. Come to Minnesota!!!! It isn’t cold this time of year, I promise!

  678. Beyonce lover? Check.
    Traveling Red Dress dreamer? Check.
    Frequent laugher? Check.
    Poor college student hoping to get a free copy of your book? Definite check.

  679. So cool – I’d be running around freaking out with excitement too!

    Please come to the UK! I bet there are enough Bloggess readers in London who’d love to hear you read from the book!

  681. I ordered the book, and I am thinking of ordering the audio book so I can listen to it at work. Eventually I’ll get called in for a drug test because I’m sitting in my cube choking on laughter all day. I’m not seeing a downside here.

  683. Please,please, please come to Phoenix. We have a lovely bookstore that could host you. And we’re a lot cooler than people think.

  684. I realize that I will only have (as of the time I wrote this) a 1 out of 2590 to win. Fuck it, I’m entering anyway. Please come to Milwaukee, Jenny. We have amazing brewery tours with free beer, an incredible lakefront and LOTS of REALLY CLEAN, SPACIOUS, BATHROOMS for your use. You can even hide out in mine for a while. It’s tiny, but it works (with the right plunger) and I will hide you away whenever you like. I can also entice you with award-winning food of many different kinds and some very cool Children’s Museums (like Betty Brinn and Discovery World) for Hailey. Sorry, not much here for Victor. I also have spare Confidence Wigs just for you.

  685. Dude. If only you were coming to the Midwest. I’d love to hear you talk.

  686. Me me me! Because it doesn’t come out in the UK for MONTHS yet and I feel your excitement and I’m so damn impatient to get my hands on a copy! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

  689. I’m totally random, especially to you. I’m also Canadian, so you’ll have to pay to send me a book. I’ll apologize for that once you come to visit your Canadian fans, since apparently we’re world class when it comes to apologies. We also have cat butt up here.

    p.s. Thank you for making some of my worst days totally bearable. I’m a late arrival to this blog, but I am making up for lost time in appreciation.

  690. I can’t wait for your book. I would love to win it, but also kinda hope not too as you’re one of the few people I would like to give my money too! (years of entertainment should be repaid somehow!) Course, I generally don’t win things, so I probably shouldn’t worry about it 😉 congrats on your book, you deserve it!

  691. Just recently found out about your blog, and when I did I spent the whole day reading. You are hilarious, and I’m sure your book is going to be even more funny! Would LOVE a copy to share with friends! 🙂

  692. I never know what to say, so I read a few comments to try to come up with something witty, because I didn’t just want to comment to try to get the signed copy for free. But that’s really it…as I’m cheap (frugal?), mostly poor.

    ha.

    THANKS!

  693. How, pray tell, can you not come to Phoenix AZ?

    Signed,
    So sad and lacking in PHX

  694. people in chicago read, too. maybe next time you’ll swing on by. did you know that we’d be best friends? (congrats on your book! looking forward for my kindle to zap it up for me).

  696. I notice you’re not coming to the booming metropolis of Des Moines. I assume once you’ve realized how huge you are at the other locations, you’ll add my sweet city?

  698. So, you’re saying the cat-butt is off the table? Can we maybe come to an agreement on the tail? That’s all I really want anyway… 🙂

  699. I ordered a long time ago. Everytime I go to Amazon.Com your book taunts me that it is coming in April.

  701. You should totally come to Hawaii! We have stuff and pretty places and some other stuff. Not much taxidermy though. Anyway, I would totally buy you weird, random Hawaiian food that you may or may not want to eat.

  702. Come to Denver and I will bring my roller derby team to meet you! They are in love with you already because you also have love for the tequila gun!

  706. If only you were coming to the 405! Although I’ve already pre-ordered the book and it will magically appear on my Kindle… I’d for sure bring Baby Blue or my pet chupacabra for your John Hancock.

    Consider it.

    #thanks.

  707. If I still lived in San Francisco I would skip my husband’s birthday and see you read. I am so super bummed that I’ve been too sick with pregnancy to even think about getting on a real computer to preorder your book so I missed out on the bookplate. I hope I survive.

  708. You dont need to come to New Zealand(because its coming into Winter and getting cold here)

    But send Beyonce over!

  712. That’s fantastic, so happy and excited for you – and I can wait to read it =)

    Why are you not coming to Chicago???!!!!

  713. You should totally come to Saskatchewan on this tour. In addition to offering a perfectly flat view for miles around and many oil wells (which I am given to understand is very similar to at least some parts of Texas) we can offer a giant taxidermied RCMP musical ride horse (for posing purposes only). Apparently this horse was quite the bitey asshole while alive and former Mounties who knew him in the day used to come to the Mountie museum to kick him in the taxidermied ass.

    So, you know, a must-see for the bucket list…

  714. Congrats on the book! Would LOVE to win this book. Especially after reading a bit the other day. So hopefully my luck will change and I’ll win.

  715. Congratulations! That is so awesome!! I loved your excerpt and cant wait for the book. If you decide to add Nashville to your list, I know a whole bunch of moms who would love to see you!!!

  716. I already pre ordered your book (Kindle version) through Amazon! Good luck and I really wish you were coming to Raleigh, NC!

  717. I’m FURIOUSLY HAPPY!! For you, but sad that you are not coming to Raleigh…. Please Jenny come to Raleigh NC. Also just a question but will these tours be held in a bathroom?

  719. Minnesota is about as far away from you as the moon so I’ll have to miss this tour…..boo.
    Paste a picture of your bathroom to the inside of a spacious cardboard box and you can put it over your head when you feel anxious. The people waiting in line will totally understand and you can still see out the bottom to sign books. I think a little 4 watt bulb hanging from the ceiling of the box will do nicely if you have a nearby power source.

  720. At least one person in New Zealand thinks you rock. You should totally extend your book tour.

  721. Girl.

    You KNOW I will be there.

    And will know all the routes to the nearest bathrooms,
    just in case, you know, you need to hide for a bit.

    Perhaps Wil Wheaton can be persuaded to demonstrate his collating powers for us in LA?
    Oooo,
    or maybe Sir Fillion will finally SHOW UP AND HOLD TWINE IN PERSON OMG.

    And we will douse him in vodka and call it body shots.

    Like ya do.

  722. i did not already leave a comment, so I’m trying again.
    Your tour should be awesome.

  724. Jenny, while watching Edward Scissorhands with my kids (who like to distain anything not made in this century) we all noticed that you bare a striking resemblance to the crazy religous lady who insists Edward is form the devil and not to be trusted.
    http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/edward-scissorhands-gallery-1.89289#pmSlide=6
    Would you agree?

    P.S. How bad a parent would I be if I bring my kids with me to your book signing? (They are 12 & 14 and are always asking me to share your blog with them. I have apparently passed on my sense of humor with outstanding success!)

  725. I’ve already pre-ordered it on Amazon but hey, you can never have too much of a good thing, right? Also, you Americans are lucky bitches. Jen, come to Ireland!

  726. Oh Jenny! Where is the love for the midwest and the southeast? Do we not get to experience this joy too? I vote for Raleigh/Durham and/or Chicago/Detroit. All places I could get to. You can stay at my house, although my bathroom is quite small. I have a metal chicken (believe it or not – I had it pre-Beyonce) in my kitchen if that helps you decide!

  727. I love reading your blog…it cracks me up! I cannot wait to read the book! Yea you for making it!

  728. I would TOTALLY come see you…if you were going to be anywhere near me! ::::pouty face:::: Can’t you add Portland, OR, Seattle, WA, or Boise, ID to your tour schedule??? Pretty please?????????

  730. The more and more I hear about your book (which I pre ordered in secret, shhh!) the more and more I’m sad to be a Aussie. And that doesn’t happen very often!
    Are you sure you can’t sneak away to Australia for just one book tour date? Sydney to be exact. I don’t have the biggest bathroom, but you are totally welcome to your books there and everything!

  732. Oh my god, I am so coming to see you in Los Angeles. And I shall wear a red dress.

  733. Jenny! Come to Ramstein Air Base in Germany! We are stationed overseas and could use some laughs. The Germans aren’t known for their delightful sense of humor….

  735. Can’t wait to buy it! Unless you give it to me for free! 🙂

    And why don’t I see Phoenix on that list? Bummer…

  738. You should probably do what Joshua Neff suggests in that first comment, there. He can be persistent. 🙂
    Anyhow – if you’re just getting your copies of the books, how did Matthew Broderick land an ARC? He knows someone in the industry, doesn’t he?
    Dammit. I need to get famous and FAST. Famous people get all the good stuff.

  739. Dude. I need your book. And I am poor. Randomly select me, ok? Also, just in case your kid is selecting, whatever number my comment is is also equal to eleventy.

  740. What, no stops in Fargo? Or even Minnesota? You could write a whole another book about your adventures up here….

  741. It is amazing how happy we can be for people we have never ever met! So freaking excited for you that you have your book and audiobook in hand and that your book is a reality!

    Can’t wait to see you at Blue Willow in Houston (“where we will transform the shop into everything Jenny has ever made us laugh about in her hysterical blog. There will be taxidermy. There will be a special Blue Willow cocktail (details forthcoming). There will be hilarity.”)! And I am so looking forward to seeing the taxidermy and your hilarious stories come to life in a bookstore setting! I’m picturing a flock of Beyonces reading books about towel origami.

  742. I AM SO EXCITED!!!!! If I was a dog this is when I would pee on the floor…I just can’t control myself!!!

  748. Not coming down to NZ? (commence tantrum)
    Shall have to suffice with a copy of the book. Humph.

  749. Holy crap that’s a lot of comments!

    Congrats, I’m excited to get the book 🙂

  751. Congrats!!! So excited for you. I already preordered it but I do take my chances for a signed copy 🙂

  752. I can’t wait for the book! I’m going to learn so much from it. We had a raccoon, too, and I totally never thought to dress him. WHAT OTHER OPPORTUNITIES HAVE I FUCKED UP?

  753. Oh I may actually be in San Francisco at that time! I’m trying to move there like RIGHTNAO. That would be super exciting.

  755. OH GOLLY!! Congrats! I am so excited to read your book, I preordered a hella long time ago. Like, the Ice Age, you have no idea
    You should come to Seeeaaaattleeeee, Waaaashiinnngtooonnnn. There are lots of bookies up here.

  756. YAY YOU!!! So happy that this is FINALLY coming out! I pre-ordered the Kindle version, so I will have it within minutes of it’s release…..the challenge will be to not read it until I leave for vacation….I am taking you to St. Thomas with me – YOU’RE WELCOME!

  757. Damn you are NOT coming to Phoenix. BOO! I can’t wait for the day my Kindle shows that book cover in my cloud.

    Wow that sounded…dirty.

  758. DOWANTDOWANTDOWANT! I only discovered your blog a few months ago, but you and your blog are AWESOME! So great to know there’s at least one more person like me out there…

    Any chance you’d swing by Birmingham, AL on your tour? There’s a great venue here called Workplay…I know there’s probably no chance but a Bloggessphile has to have some hope right?

    Thanks for keeping it real…

  759. Oh i wish you were coming to Washington, DC too!! I would love an autographed copy, but if not I’ll still be buying the ebook 🙂

  760. i preordered the hard covery book, and I so want the audio! Pick me, please! I’m so excited for you!

  763. Really, I don’t see how you can possibly ever read all the comments on this page, I exhausted myself just scrolling down to the bottom, and now I’m going to interrupt my afternoon of calzone-eating, sitcom-watching and general laziness with much deserved nap. Your first duty as a published author must be to hire a midget dressed as Hamlet to read you your comments out loud in an Australian accent. I mean, seriously, it’s a tax-write off AND the best entertainment ever.
    I’ll see your “cat-butt” in the photo, and raise you an “annoying boxer photobomb” from the last time I posted an item on Craigslist. Really, anytime I pull out the camera he starts lurking and practicing bored glances into the distance.

  764. Come to Boston, pretty please? I promise if you do I’ll come and bring friends! (maybe if enough of us ask you’ll consider it??)
    Can’t wait for the book!

  766. This is beyond exciting. Congratulations to you!! Damn the luck I’ll be out of town during your book tour. However, since you reside in Hill Country, perhaps you’ll do another something similar so I can come? Maybe not especially for me, but your hometown fans? I’ll send you a picture of my cat holding twine, if it helps.

  767. Congrats on the book, Only wish you were coming to Phoenix as well 🙁

  769. I would totally come to see you if you were hitting my neck of the woods.

  770. Congratulations Jenny! Most excellent! I hope one of the added tour stops will be Seattle. I’ll even stand in line to get my own copy autographed so you can give these away to someone more deserving 🙂

  771. Oooh nice! Will totally do my best to be at the one in San Fran! 😀

  773. I think you should wear the red dress every day on your entire book tour. To inspire you to be brave. Or to inspire you to spend a lot of money on drycleaning. Or both.

  774. No Canada 🙁 Canada wants some Bloggess tour action too!!!!!! I suppose I’ll forgive you…but only if I win the book 🙂

  775. How is it that you are not scheduled to come to Portland? We’d get you something so you could put a bird on it…

  776. Argh! ME! I’m dying for a copy, but I can’t get the bookplate because we’re at an APO… I’ll buy a copy, but I’m passive-aggressively protesting the pre-order because I can’t get the amazing bookplate with it. *pout*

  777. I can’t believe that you could even type. I’d be dancing too much! Congrats on your book, I’m super excited to have it show up at my house. The only thing better would be to get a copy early!

  779. Congrats! If you tour in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia, I’ll come! But since our closest “real” city that I could afford to get to is Charlottesville, I’m guessing I’m sunk. Unless you’re super-big with the UVa crowd, that is. Are you super-big with the UVa crowd?

  781. why not portland? we are the center of all that is weird? you can stay at my house, you can discover and enhance the atmosphere, and my fridge makes ice chips so i can make you a wine slushie.

  784. Jenny, I can’t tell you how excited I am for you! I was lucky enough to discover your blog a few years ago and have been an avid lurker ever since. Your humor is one of a kind and when the occasion comes that you post something serious and poignant, it always leaves a resonating feeling with me. I’ll soon be the proud owner of a copy of your book and I just want to say thank you for sharing with me, with all of us really, your life. Congratulations, Jenny! I can’t wait to tear through your book!

    Petty Officer James Isaac, USN

  787. pick me! pick me! pretty please pick with a giant metal rooster and a ball of twine on top 🙂

  789. I am SO EXCITED you are coming to Dallas. Even though Fairview isn’t Dallas. And even though I’ve lived here all of my 41 years and I’m going to have to figure out where in the world Fairview is. Anything for you!

  790. I can’t believe you’re not coming to St. Louis! Oh wait, yes I can. Book tours never come here. 🙁

  791. Please, please come to Atlanta. Maybe by the end of April we won’t be snowed under in pollen! Unless you love pollen, in which case you should come now.

  792. OMG! First, I won’t be selfish and try to win the book, because if you’ll be in SF on April 20th, I’m totally coming to see you!! 🙂 Plus Corte Madera is SO much closer to me than actual SF.

    Yep. Totally just put that on my calendar. Must remember to bring you some twine…

  793. omg, applause, applause, applause followed by deep breath then continued applause with a woowoo tossed in there for good measure. i think i can speak for myself when i say i am so proud of you. well done girl.

  794. Come to Indiana!! We have taxidermied animals here that need to be posed!

  796. I would love to have your book. You are such a freakin’ inspiration to so many of us!

    Please come to Pensacola! That would rock so hard!

  798. WHY MUST YOU BE TOURING WHEN I AM STUDYING ABROAD???
    Your dates even work out that I could have seen you TWICE–once at college and once when I would be home on break. Please let me win the book so I can get to read it now rather than in three months when I finally get home. I need this book. I have been waiting for months and months and now it is here and OUT OF MY REACH. I crave the writings.

  800. Congrats on the book and I’m so happy you’re coming to the NY area!!!! Yaaaay!!!! I am THERE!

  801. I want one. And I’m too poor/lazy/indifferent to buy it. Unless you give me money to buy it. In which case you may as well give me a copy for free. So cut the middle man and just pick me. Thanks!

  802. I was about to ask if it also came with the cat tail, but I see you have that covered.

    What is a bookplate? I don’t know, and have been imagining a decorative plate that looks like a book. So you can hang it up and tell all your friends: “Fuck yeah, I’m so rich and whimsy I own pretty plates I don’t even eat off!”.

    So, I’m going to have to ask an American friend to drug mule one of these babies to me, aren’t I?

  803. I AM going to have this book. And a Beyonce of my own. Just as soon as I find one 🙂

  806. Come to Indiana!!! Where else can u see rabid chipmunks and raccoon pets?!

  809. DO come to Philadelphia! It would fit perfectly right before or right after NYC (just an hour away on the train).

  810. Your tour does not come by me! IF ONLY you were in the mid-west ANYWHERE!
    I’ve been excited for this book to come out for months now. I put it on my Goodreads list so long ago…. People already want to borrow ‘my’ copy. 🙂

  811. I’m so excited for your book to come out! Too bad I don’t live in Texas. Nice cat butt.

  814. 2800 comments… I don’t rightly expect you to read this one, but I’m saying it anyway. Your book is due to be delivered to me about two days before I get on a plane from LA to Australia for the vacation of my life and it couldn’t have been planned any better if I tried. 14 hours on a plane to read your book… I almost feel sorry for the poor schmucks that are going to have to listen to me laughing my ass off through the entire trip.

    So from a random internet stranger, thank you for the laughs and I can’t wait for more! 🙂

  815. I sooo wish you were coming to Chicago or Indianapolis–the only two places I can reasonably get to! I would bring you a booze slushie if you came. For real.

    Also–a book would be awesome. If I don’t get this I’ll still buy one though. Because man am I excited to read this thing.

  816. I know I dont have a chance but PLEEEEEASE PICK MEEEE! plus, i was listening to Bon Jovi while reading this post and you happened to mention Bon Jovi. I’m taking that to mean something special should happen.

  818. SO very happy for you!! Mentally and emotionally pre-ordered before there was pre-ordering available! Of course the day pre-ordering became available, I did it for real. Wish you were coming to Portland or Seattle.

  819. Unfortunately, can’t swing either the time off work or the plane fare to come see you, but have a (as much as you can) good time on your tour and have a mixed drink (or three) for me!

  820. love love love that you are traveling all over texas– i may actually get a chance to see you!! how rockin is that?! i get really nervous though.. so i’d be like “hi.” and “thank you” and then scream when i get into my car that i just saw JENNY!!! YAYYYYYY!

  821. Yes, come to Portland please! We have a whole tv show about how bizarre (translation: awesome) we are, which you already know evidenced by your hilarious and thankfully short-lived feud with their legal team , who acted like dodo birds. Anyway, people may look at you odd in other cities if you wear a wolf suit to the movies, but you would blend right in here. Consider it.

  824. OHMYGOSHIAMSOEXCITEDFORYOU! It would have been awesome if you had a stop in hell..i mean, Phoenix….I would even make you a chicken to keep you company on your travels…OH, I would kidnap one of my mom’s chickens and give it to you so you have a living companion…and then when it dies, as most chickens do as long as they are not some sort of freak of nature, you could have it stuffed and added to your taxidermy collection.

  830. Oh, and why no Canada! Canada loves you! I know. I asked them….ALL of them!

  831. Come to Oklahoma! It’s just like Texas, so it’ll be like you’re at home; we can hide from everyone together in the bathroom. Don’t worry, I’m not a crazy knife-wielding person (just slightly agorophobic) so you’d be totally safe.

  832. So excited you’ll be in L.A. Every time I break out laughing while at the computer, my hubby asks me if I’m reading that metal chicken blog lady again.

  834. Come to the Carolinas! I would LOVE to freak out with you over the book and audiobook.

  835. Aw, wish you were coming to the Midwest! May poke my friend who lives in LA to go in my stead 😉

  837. Ooooo! I want it!

    Also, sad you don’t have Atlanta scheduled. You should come here. We’re nice and have better accents.

  838. so exited for you!!! and kinda sad you aren’t gonna be in the Detroit area. Maybe I’ll convince some friends to take a road trip! xox

  839. Pick me, Pick me! I am going to do everything I can to come see you in Dallas. I have one of those pesky toddlers that dominate my schedule.

  840. No twin cities? shawks! [or however you spell that, I don’t know because I usually say f*ck or shit but wanted to be polite]
    You should add a minneapolis/saint paul date to the tour!

    I cant wait for your book!

  841. Hey, what about us fan chicks in the MIDDLE of the Country? The bloggess is huge in Cincinnati, you know?

  843. So glad to hear you’re coming to my general area (SF)! I’ll be there if I can.

  844. No BS…I want the autographed copy of your book. I never win shit, so this would send me over the top. But not only would it send me over the top, one of my lucky friends would get your book that I preordered on Amazon as a gift. Two birds. One stone.

  845. Oh my goodness me, I seriously seriously want one. And to be fair to them, so do half my office.
    Since we live in London, in the UK, I doubt we’re going to make the book tour – please please come over to England. I can guarantee you that PLENTY of people would come – and let’s face it, you might get Simon Pegg to come along. Holding twine.

  847. Holy jeebus there’s a lot of comments!LOL! I’d love your book, although I’m super sad (and not surprised) that you aren’t coming to Canada. Very excited for you though!

  850. Aww, I wanted the cat butt too. This book coming out totally makes me ridiculously happy. FURIOUSLY happy, if you will. Congrats!

  852. I know that this book tour is a big thing for someone who suffers from anxiety. I think it’s awesome that you’re doing a tour. As a Canadian, I wish you would come to Vancouver, BC (it’s BEAUTIFUL here in the summer!), but I need to find a way to make it to one of your West Coast dates. SO VERY happy and proud. I can’t wait to get my hands on your book!

  853. You NEED to come to Canada for your book tour, specifically Winnipeg. I met Neil Gaiman when he came here and since you ALSO meet Neil Gaiman, it’s like we’re destined to meet! It’s the 6-degrees of Neil Gaiman but we can talk about graveyards and how cool zombies are. Oh, and your book, too. Super excited this day has finally come, congrats, Jenny. No one deserves this more than you. 🙂

  855. Big congrats, Jenny! That is so awesome! 😀 Can’t wait to stalk you when you come to Los Angeles. In the… totally… not creepy sense of the word. Ahem.

    <3,
    -J

  857. I pre-ordered my copy and I am SO EXCITED to get it! Congrats on this becoming a reality! I am sure I speak for all your followers in that we are so glad we were able to share the ride. <3

  858. Congratulations and good luck with the tour. I think the excerpts you shared a day or two ago have convinced me to purchase the book.

  860. Congrats! I’ve pre-ordered, including the signed insert, but a personally autographed copy, and the audiobook would be awesome!

  861. I look forward to your posts, now I’m dying to read your book. It’s been preordered for awhile and i got the dates confused. I thought it came 3/17 and was so sad to discover it was a month out. But I’m sure it will have been worth the wait.

  862. Wait, so I’m gonna have to kneecap over 2800 people to lock up the autographed booty?

    . . . Time to buy a couple new hammers . . .

    Seriously, though, congrats on the physical manifestation of your work!!

  863. So excited for you and your family. Wish that you were coming to Virginia..can I tell you how jealous I am that you met Will Wheaton. So awesomely scary.

  864. I would like a copy of your book. But more than that, I would like your poster to read CHICAGO, IL in big exciting letters. Maybe you can fix that second problem for me.

  865. I hope this isn’t a random drawing, but is based on merit!

    Because I am MOVING ACROSS COUNTRY next month, and would LISTEN TO YOUR BOOK THE WHOLE WAY!!!!
    That would be the most incredible and funny move ever, and I’d probably have to make many pit stops for laughing so hard either a)I’d have to pee or b) I couldn’t see through the tears, which totally happened with your last post.

    Please pick me!

  866. Freaking out over here, too! Can’t wait for the book and to see you! Yay for tour dates in the SF Bay Area.

  867. I must put my hat in the ring for a signed copy of your book – of course as the comments reach 3000 my percentage chance keeps getting smaaaalllllleeeerrrr 🙂 In any case I’ve already told my husband that I want you book for my anniversary present so I’m getting it no matter what!

    Hugs and red dresses;

    deirdrebeth

  868. Im just glad you are going to be in Houston. Makes stalking you much easier. Kind of like you cyber stalked Wil Wheaton. But with out the collated paper.
    I cant wait to read this damn book. Its going on my night stand. Next to Beyonce. And the Bible.

  869. And you are not coming to Canada because….??? we are people too you know. We feel things…scary things….

  870. pick me! Pick me!
    I haven’t ordered yet, figured I’d ask for it for mother’s day…
    Would love to see you in Boston!

  872. I wish you were coming to Orlando, Florida. I’d be the first one in line to have you sign my book and meet you. You never, ever fail to make me laugh. Congrats on your book. This is one book I will be buying hardcover because it’s going right on my keeper shelf.

  873. OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD. I love seeing Houston on the list. You are utterly fabulous. Not only would I love an autographed copy, but I’d love to be seen in a picture with you, possibly wearing a Wil Wheaton shirt… and holding some twine. Just a thought.

  874. DC, you forgot DC! You are awesomesauce and I can’t WAIT to read and hear your book. I was in an art supply store yesterday and saw a tiny wedding dress and thought “hey, that would look really good on the weasal” – so in case you wonder, you’re not alone out there.

  876. You should come to North Carolina. More specifically, the Raleigh/Durham area. Or my new house. Which is in the Raleigh/Durham area. I’m a little bummed that the cat butt isn’t being offered up. Especially if that’s Ferris Mewler. Because I would love to have an attack cat in my tree next Christmas. But maybe it’s a good thing that he isn’t on offer, because my man would almost certainly divorce me if I brought another cat into our home. And we aren’t even getting married for another 3 weeks.

  877. How exciting! It’s got to be an amazing (and freaky) experience to hold your published book in your hands.

    Congratulations! (And, good job!)

  878. YAY!!! I was sooo excited to see that you were coming to Houston! I even added it to my calendar and canceled pilates. Then I read that in order to go through the signing line, you have to have bought your book from Blue Willow. If I hadn’t already pre-ordered two copies from Amazon I’d be happy to support Blue Willow’s Bookstore. What a bummer! Thanks to your geneosity, I have a signed bookmark heading my way. I totally understand Blue Willow’s position and am so grateful they’re hosting a book signing for your awesome book, I’m just bummed I won’t be able to have my books signed by you…and will instead have to endure pilates torture.

  881. Jenny, I’m so excited for your book to come out and I just can’t wait to read it! You really should come to Phoenix on your book tour, but not if the tour is over the summer! Maybe you can have a “tour part deux” in the fall and come to Phoenix! I can’t promise that Nathan Fillion will be here, but I’m sure I can find some other hotties to carry twine for you!! Keep on keeping me laughing til I cry!! xo

  882. you are awesome. I <3 reading your blog! Thank you for writing and for often making my day. Canada is also an awesome place to take a book tour too. And it's spring, so it's not even {that} cold here anymore 🙂

  883. Shoo, finally made it to the bottom!

    Well all I can sya is, I hope your book makes it to the darkest Africa, South Africa that is (Not really that dark, but still fun!).
    As for your cats ass, I’ll trade! Please! Actually just have mine! Urg! [the cats, not mine, I like mine, ish, well sort of, ok only some days, maybe not after tofu days but some people find it fun (ok by people I mean my Zombie daughter, but she weird, maybe not wierd but obscure, only some people “get her” sort of, sometimes, on weekends or public holidays or when it’s raining [[there are pictures! somewhere in Area Route 66, SA]])]

    Have fun
    Drew

  885. I think the odds of getting picked as winner are somewhere between slim and none, but hey, someone has to win the lottery, right? And yes, why aren’t you coming to DC? I would even get over my dislike of riding the Metro to go see you if you came to DC!

  886. Damn, damn, DAMN! The bookstore in my town will only allow you at the book signing if you buy the book from THEM, and I’ve already pre-ordered mine from Amazon 🙁

  887. Woot! Got your book pre-ordered (and nameplate requested) and will see you in NY! 🙂

  888. Congratulations! I can’t wait to read your book – and would love a free one. Am all the way down in New Zealand and my colleagues and I love reading your blog.

  890. Congratulations! This isn’t 10 years in the making, it’s a lifetime!
    I won’t beg you to come to where I am (Charlotte) or where I know a large group of scantily clad Bloggess worshippers are (New Orleans) like the other 2,900 people because you don’t need that pressure. But just know that if something pops up in the Southeast on your schedule I’ll be all over it. I’ll start looking for a gift of taxidermy for you now.

  891. OMG PLEASE COME TO ATLANTA. You have so many awesome fans here, and I promise I would bring you cookies. Not that my cookies are any better than anyone else’s cookies, I don’t have the ‘best cookies this side of the Mississippi’ or anything. But. You know. Cookies (in Atlanta).

  894. Maybe it’s good that you aren’t coming to my town — since we both have social anxiety we’d probably end up passing the book under the bathroom stall divider wall, & we wouldn’t want someone to mistake the book for toilet paper.

  895. i just adore you! If you’re ever in Salem, OR i know a place that makes a Bloody-tini – omgyummy.
    Congratulations.

  899. OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!!!!! You are coming to Los Angeles and I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT!!!!!! Thankyouforcominghere thankyou thankyou thankyou!!!

  903. Congratulations! I’ll admit I’m posting because I desperately want a copy of your book. Still! Sometime you should come to Utah – we’ve lot’s of Jenny-appreciaters here 😉

  904. Congrats Jenny!! This is so exciting! I’d love to come out to the book tour… but sadly I can’t because you aren’t coming to Canada. But I will totes hide out in a bathroom in your honor on one of those dates! 😀

  908. I suppose a trip to New Zealand is out of the question? I can even get my friend to bring along the metal chicken I bought her (which we’ve named Jay-Z) to make you feel at home.

  911. Please, please, PULEEEEZZZEEE come to Vermont!! I can guarantee the attendance of three people and if you need more I will bring them…by force if necessary!!

  913. Congratulations! I’m so excited about the audio book! I plan to listen at work so I can drown out the sighing ice-chewer who sits next to me. Also so when laughter erupts from my cube, it will make my coworkers be sure of how weird I am.

  914. Also, I just read that book tour list like I was reading a posted list of audition results and then felt the subsequent shame that I didn’t get the part. Please make Portland an understudy at least. Even if it’s only for ceremonial purposes. I grew up in a generation where everyone gets a trophy you understand.

  915. Ohhh damn i was so sure Invercargill, New Zealand would be on the tour list…. lol..
    Cannot wait to get this book. *excited* Im buying it for myself for my 30th birthday. best pressie EVER.

    Congrats on the book and thankyou for making us all laugh. 🙂

  916. I agree with Naomi #2902. A book launch is incomplete without at trip to New Zealand. You have many antipodean followers down under, and despite the crappy weather we do have Hobbits here…actually strike that, Hobbits are not out best selling point (although they do keep me fed)

  917. I’ve already ordered the book and the audiobook and the nameplate, so if for some strange reason I get picked for this, pick another commenter. I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

  918. Congrats on the book! I’d say the same thing if I had a book coming out.

    You should come to Charlotte, NC. I’m pushing your book onto some of my friends who I know would love you and I’ll even kidnap them to come to a reading. Or bribe them with an evening of fun, laughter, and drinks (in no particular order). I cannot WAIT for the book to get into my greedy little hands and call people and read them exerts.

  919. If I get this book, it will go on my shelf of honor between the Harry Potter books and the Hobbit.

  920. I love when you read someone who shares with her readers as if they were close friends. It’s a pleasure to feel so happy for you. Thanks for taking us along for the ride.

  921. Congrats! I love reading your blog, I can’t wait to read your book! You should stop by SLC Utah sometime too 🙂

  925. Congrats on your book!

    If Smithers, British Columbia, Canada is on your list of stops, I’ll be there in a heartbeat. (It’s where they filmed The Grey – at least the really cold scenes – and Liam Neeson referred to it as a sub-artic, tourism based fishing village. Makes you want to visit, eh?).

  926. Should I win, I promise to not sell the autographed copy on eBay. At least not without setting a reserve price of eleventy billion rupees.

  927. If I were chosen in a random drawing, I’d totally put that on my resume. Maybe I’d even let them borrow your book!

  929. YAY! I would be freaking out too, if the book I had written had shown up on my doorstep. And be freak out I mean drink like a loony because now I have to go on a book tour and no one will show up. Sorry. I’m not good with pressure . Good luck!

  930. If you come to MN you can sign books in my bathroom. I also have booze. 😉 Congratulations on the amazing book!

  931. I am SO excited to read the book! I have been promoting it in my sidebar, trying to help with pre-sales. I will promote even more once it is officially ready for download.

  932. The only thing better than listening to your audiobook and laughing my ass off, will be listening to YOU read your audiobook and laughing my ass off. Can’t wait!

  935. I am soooo looking forward to reading your book! Wish I was closer to one of your tour sites so I could gawk from way in the back because I get nervous in large crowds and I don’t like talking to people I don’t know. Funny… how’d I get a job as a caseworker?

  936. ahh! there’s like 5 mazillion comments before mine and you’ll probably never see this and maybe picked someone already and I’ve been buried in powerpoints all day and I need need this book and hey is that a bee in the library? oh wait; it’s a hornet…umm..maybe if I hit it with my laptop?

    crap. missed.

    ouch.

  937. I would definitely come see you, if you were coming anywhere remotely close to the middle of the nowhere that I live. I haven’t ordered the book yet, but I plan to (soon!) because really, why wouldn’t I?

    And are you sure I can’t have the cat-butt? It’s so FLOOFY.

  938. I cannot wait to read your book! I hope I can WIN it! And I am SO EXCITED that Len Peralta is doing your poster!!!! WHOOO! You’re sort of the best. Thank you for being around.

  939. yayayayayayay! Also I’d come, but they’re all like, a million miles away. Come to the south east yo!!! 🙂

  941. I cannot wait to read your book and would just love if you “picked me” for the autographed copy, my friends in Seattle will be ever so jealous

  943. I already pre-ordered your book, BUT I’d love to send it to my SIL who is also a big fan of yours. And I’m dying to listen to the audio version too so it’s a win-win if I win. Thanks for a chance to win. I just wanted to say win a few more times so I’ll definitely a winner.

  944. minneapolis would love to have you. and i would love to have an autographed book.

  947. So excited for you! I’ve convinced my mom and my 4 other aunts to read you, and I’m constantly spitting soda out of my nose in the office. You keep me sane in a way that would make other people crazy. I’m not sure what that mean, but CONGRATULATIONS!

  949. Me. Your Book. Glass of Wine. Potty Nearby (in case I pee my pants from laughter). A perfect DATE NIGHT w/ myself 🙂

    Congrats and can’t wait to read it!!!

  950. Book Passage (your SF area stop) is a great store; I worked there for ten years and think you’ll really like it.

    ~k

  951. Come to Seattle! I swear we’re not as rainy and depressing as we seem! There was actually SUN today! 🙂

  952. Wooo, congratulations!

    I wish I had the book.My friend Kelly and I were Tweeting about it yesterday. I’ll buy if I don’t win it, likely. Perhaps with royalties from my as yet not announced book.

  953. Problem! Denver is not on your list! Please come. I’ll provide housing. & delicious food. & transportation. & alcohol, or non alcohol if you prefer. Clothes. You name it. Just make your way to Denver!

  954. My computer’s being wonky….well, my phone is. Anywho, can i please have the cat butt too? It would be the greatest, awesomest, neatospeedoness thing ever! It truly would be…ok that aside, woooooooooo! Hooooooooooo! For your book! Books are just the swellest things…sigh.

  955. Oh, if only you were coming to the Durham NC area! We have an entirely different kind of barbecue.

  957. Congrats on the book! I can’t wait to spit coffee all over this! ….as I usually do my reading while drinking coffee and relaxing on the sofa and I suspect it will be the kind of ridiculous humor that can take one off guard while drinking coffee. I didn’t order a book JUST to spit coffee onto. I’m not made of money!

  959. I suppose it’s for the best that the cat butt isn’t included after all, because my boys — who are otherwise practically perfect [at driving me bananas[er] (is “bananaser” a word?)] — are allergic. I’m pretty sure they aren’t allergic to books, though. Actually, it might explain a lot if they were, given that our apartment is positively swathed in books. But I digress. I would love an autographed copy of your book, and my current location in NC means that winning this giveaway may be my only chance. (For the autographed part, that is. I’m totally getting my hands on your book even if the blogging gods frown on my beseeching prayers.)

  961. Ooooh, I want to win! I have been reading your blog aloud to Dh, and he loves it! HE wants the book! I wish you were coming closer to me, in the Pocono area of PA. C’est la vie!

    Audiobook is good. We listen to them on trips, and dh would be thrilled!

    Give Beyonce a wave for us, and travel here in the Tardis, LOL

    Sending you chocolate, the universal cure-all. Have some bfore each stop in your tour, it can’t hurt!

  964. You are cordially invited to come to Vancouver BC. Home of the worlds second best sushi! (assuming the best is in Japan.) Congratulations on the new Books – hard cover and audio! Let me scream with you! AHHHHHHHHH! Thanks for taking us along for the ride!

  965. Oh my god I want one! I have been wanting to order a copy but my finances are not smiling on me making “unnecessary” purchases right now. Paying bills is bullshit. Anyway, congratulations! This is one of my dreams, to write a book. I’m glad someone else has realized their dreams, maybe someday I’ll follow suit! 🙂

  966. Dude, I wish you were coming closer to Florida. I’d even make the trip to Atlanta to see you if you could get that close. I hope you get some East coast dates added eventually!

  967. I’ve been giving your wonderfullness out to my friends! I can’t not tell them about how utterly fantastic and hilarious you are! I even have “Beyonce” posted at work. So then I have to explain exactly what it means and then share your blog! Thanks for the daily laughs!

  968. Woot woot! Congrats! Preordered, can’t wait to download it!
    Now, about that schedule……please come to Chicago!

  969. Congratulations on your much deserved success.

    Warmest Regards,

    Dr. Lowery Woodall

  970. I seriously think that you should put Phoenix as a stop on your tour. My sisters and I, along with my poker game girls and the guy I work with and his wife (who are obsessed with chickens) are big fans! And would totally have you sign our books (or at least get a good pic with you – speaking of good pics, I even had my co-worker stop while on duty to take my pic with a giant rooster! I can send it to you if I found you rmeial…….). But seriously! Phoenix baby!

  971. Oh how I wish you were coming to St. Louis!! I can’t wait to read your book! that excerpt from your last post was HILARIOUS. 🙂

  972. I’m so excited for you! I’ve had my book on order forever. I can’t wait to finally read it. Best wishes!

  974. Thinking I may have to have a day trip to Houston! So excited for you!

  975. I wish you were going to be in Pasadena instead of downtown LA! Bought the book, but sadly won’y be able to get it signed. Hope the turn out is fabulous!

  978. I cant believe youre missing Chicago!!! Are you nuts…we LOVE you here! Please come, pleasepleaseplease!

  980. I am sending my kid to see you in the Big Apple. He sometimes listens. He did all his holiday shopping at your store which made me smile. Good luck on your tour.

  982. COME TO CHICAGO, PLEASE!!!

    The weather has been unseasonably warm/wonderful here! And my birthday is in April… it’d only be the bestest present ever! <3

  986. So… i’ve absolutely been waiting since i put your book on order… and i keep checking Amazon, waiting for a “you’ve been patient, dear, so we shipped it today” message to bring me joy.
    Every time it’s not there, i get a little more depressed.

    i’ve never been more excited for mid-April. Ever.

    Also… hell yeah to the Chicago comments– come here. What do you need to make that happen?

  989. Of COURSE you are coming to New York the week I will be away on vacation. Of course you are. That’s just like you, isn’t it? WHY DO YOU HATE ME?

    My dreams are currently shattered, but an autographed copy of your book just might be enough for me to pick up the pieces.

  991. Can’t wait to read this… The second its downloaded on my kindle, I’m diving right in!

  992. Aw, but I really wanted the cat butt.

    That sounds sooo wrong.
    Hoping you come somewhere near Chicago or St. Louis….

  996. I’ve pre-ordered your ebook version! I really look forward to reading your book as I’ve enjoyed your column so much! Congratulations on the milestone!

  997. I was going to say something witty about the “nice piece of tail”, but after I scrolled through 8 bagillion comments, I’m going to assume someone beat me to it, and just say that I’d love a book, audio or written.
    Thanks to this post my phone think bagillion is a word and there is a chance that I just made an ass out of u and me. Win!

  998. Please oh please come to Atlanta or the vicinity. I will come to you! Come to Lawrenceville, or Buford… it’s outside of Atlanta and a lot calmer. But I will come to you! And fingers crossed to win your autographed book!! OMG I CANNOT WAIT FOR APRIL!! So looking forward to reading this!!

  999. Pick me! Pick me! Where’s Boston and/or Cambridge, MA on your list? More tour dates… sorta like more cowbell… please.

  1000. Wooooo hooooo!!!! Can’t wait to get my hands on a copy!

    Every post makes me giggle like a school girl and then loudly guffaw so that I don’t wet my pants cause I’m laughing so hard. Then I have to deflect my son when he says “What’s so funny?” by telling him it’s none of his business!

    You. Are. Awesome!

  1001. Oh no. I’m freaking out now. Because I’m late to your blog today and 2969 people beat me to it!! I can’t wait for your book!!!! But perhaps the odds could be in my favor. Speaking of…don’t read the Hunger Games. They’re awesome, but I’d fear for Victor’s safety. And the cats’.

  1002. I didn’t figure you’d make it to Wisconsin, but I vote with all the others that you should make a trip up to Chicago. I don’t think you’d be disappointed in the city or the turn-out.

    Only a month until Amazon delivers your book to me!!!

  1003. Shared the HR chapter with my friend who is in HR yesterday and you have a new fan. Happy for your success.

  1004. If you were to add somewhere in the Seattle area (cough*redmond or bellevue*cough) I would come! I would even save my pennies to buy another copy so that I could have you autograph it!

    Heck, I did it for Alton Brown. Surely, you’re as worthwhile as Alton Brown! (You are. Don’t argue with me!)

  1006. Can I have the bedspread/tablecloth/throw/ritualsnakeenbalming beneath it all. I mean, if I can’t have the cat butt that is… My son has really become an animal lover recently. At least we wouldn’t have to feed that end. And without food the things that would normally make that end unattractive are void!

  1007. What’s wrong with Minnesota? We read books too, Ya know…and we have that big ass Mall of America. Let’s make it happen!

  1008. Please pick me. Just do it. I have the best plan. I will read the book during quiet times during the school day and then burst into laughter at random times. Then people will ask what’s so funny. I will say “They sent her 5 penis pictures!”.
    Gold.

  1009. Chiming in to say congratulations, Bloggess. 🙂

    Also? The book is *awesome*. I, uh, have a contact (read: bookseller bestfriend) who has contacts (read: book reps) who slipped me an advanced copy. It was hilarious and fabulous and it’s going to be enjoyed by so many people.

    Also, also? I second the guy above who said, Why no Phoenix visit??? You can hide in my bathroom, if things get too scary.

  1010. I wish you were coming to Dallas on any day but a Thursday!!! I already have a volunteer commitment that night. But, I can bail on that, right?

  1011. Please come to Rochester, NY! Nothing good ever happens here! Can’t wait for the book

  1012. OMG….I’m excited for you too!! I can’t wait to read the book and the audio version would be excellent for the cross country trip my boyfriend and I are making at the end of May…because how could he not love you as much as I do!!

  1013. Damn it! I live in Philly and am going to be in Baltimore the week that you’re in NY….which appears to be the only East coast visit you’ll be making. I am offended. But my forgiveness can be bought with a copy of your book/audiobook. Wil Wheaton totally wants you to pick me. Do it for Wil! =)

    (also, congrats!)

  1015. all I can say is “DC!”

    DC! DC! DC! DC!

    We’ll make it easy! We’ll make TexMex! We’ll bring Wine Slushies!

    We’ll find new, wonderful, taxidermied creatures!

    Please!!!!!!!!

  1018. I want this!!! I’ve preordered, but I want this too!!! And you should extend your tour out here to Fort Lost in the Woods, Missouri!!! You can do a reading from my awesome bathroom!!!!

  1021. Exciting!!! Congrats on this major accomplishment!!! You wrote and spoke a book!!!

  1026. Is there going to be a Kindle version, I’m into instant gratification so the ability to download would be way better than having to order it and wait the agonizing 2-3 days for shipping!

  1027. Congrats! I propose a deal. If you give me this prize, I promise to send you a signed color copy of a drawing I created today via the Gmail app’s “scribble” function. The drawing depicts my weekend plans (i.e. me with my freshly torn ACL, hitting the streets of Atlantic City with my gal pals). There may or may not be a pimp cane involved. It may or may not look like it was scribbled by a 5-year-old with a precocious but worrisome vocabulary. [Note: an unsigned preview is available here, so you can weigh your options: http://biscuette.com/2012/03/21/its-big-gimpin-spendin-gs/%5D

  1031. Come to Portland OR! Or even Seattle;p I’d drive up to see my favorite blogger! Pretty please?

  1033. So wishing that you were coming closer to me, or I could afford to go to one of the places you are going to be! Congrats on the book!

  1034. We do need this shit, here in holland. Theres nothing like it, in my language. Specially the audio, since we can’t cross the ocean and come to the States without irisscans in our passport and I dont give’m. But I would love to hear and see you IRL.
    Still not clear how you take that panicbathroom with you on tour..

  1036. No offense to anyone – I sincerely mean this, but I have to say something here, because reading these comments made me feel a tiny bit sad for everyone not on the book tour list, but *more* so for Jenny.

    Jenny already has anxiety, and everyone clamoring for her to come to their city and saying how disappointed they are that she ISN’T coming to their city – CANT BE HELPING MUCH.
    Respect that she even considered or agreed to a book tour, knowing how hard it must be on her. This is HUGE step forward.
    Just saying.

    Jenny, one word – Congratulations.

    FURIOUSLY happy for you today.

  1037. Congrats. I loved your essay that was in Ladies Home Journal about the giant metal chicken, Beyonce. So funny!

  1038. Seattle would LOVE to have you and your lil Beyonce too! Please drop on by. Congratulations! You deserve all the success you can stand. And then some.

  1039. It’s too bad you won’t be coming anywhere near me, but I’m really looking forward to reading your book!

  1042. I would love it if you would find your way to Arizona on your totally awesome book tour. We have nice bookstores and, if necessary, we can hide in the bathroom together and I will bring you snacks.

  1044. I’m so THRILLED about the book and audio book I could pee! but please come to the Chicago area!!

  1045. I’m so glad I moved to the Bay Area in January so that I could see you on tour!

  1046. We would love to see you over here in Pittsburgh! Congrats on your book! Excited to read it.

  1047. You totally deserve an over the top jump for joy stab a hobo freak out!!!

  1049. Ohhhh you MUST come to Pittsburgh! We love snark and nonsense here… and Wil Wheaton..

  1050. I’m so excited! Come to Chattanooga!!! Can’t wait for my book to get here, the audio book would be awesome to have for my drive across country in a few months :o)

  1051. Ummmm, just checked out Amazon – your book is somehow both #1 and #6 in American Humor… because your book is so damn good, they counted it twice!

  1052. I can’t wait to read the book! I feel like I’ve been waiting forever. 🙂 Also – if you come close to Michigan (or better yet to Michigan) I will definitely make the drive to see you on your book tour, and I may even bring nachos.

  1053. So I haven’t been here from the beginning and I know that it doesn’t really matter what I say since the person is getting picked randomly, but I just wanted to say I love you. Your hilarity and confidence in your own insanity makes me feel very…good. Kinda pure. Like there are still people who know who they are and where they belong. It’s incredibly refreshing. So thank you. And I hope I get picked. ^_^

  1054. Can’t wait to read it! (And make everyone else I know buy it too, haha). I shall be getting at least TWO copies… One for myself, and one for my friend for her birthday! We think you are crazy-amazing. 😀

  1056. Congratulations! How exciting and scarey and awesome all rolled into one. I wish you were coming to Portland, Oregon, so I could meet you and touch you to know that you aren’t a figment of my overactive imagination. Love to you!

  1058. Oh come on, surely you can extend that book tour out to New Zealand? Really it’s not that far and we have cute animals! Off to Amazon to order the book – I shall keep the title page pristine for you to sign when you visit 🙂

  1060. I may have to make plans to leave my laboratory in a certain school in Connecticut to see you in New York!

  1061. Y U no come to Seattle? I am disappoint!

    I am very excited for you, I preordered months ago, and every time Amazon updates the shipping date, I squeal a little.

    Mostly inside.

  1063. WHY ARE YOU NOT COMING TO PHOENIX BUT 64 BAZILLION DATES IN TEXAS?? Sorry for yelling but i’m perturbed. PERTURBED I TELL YOU! I hope I win!

  1064. I already preordered you book AND signed up for a bookplate, but I would LOVE to win this anyway! I promise to share all the Bloggess-style goodness! Also…CAN NOT WAIT for the book to come in! I want to schedule time off just to read it! Congrats on seeing this all come to fruition!

  1065. Congratulations! I live in a podunk little town, so I’ll never get to a book signing, but would love to win the autographed copy!

  1069. I’ve already pre-ordered for my Kindle, but I’d LOVE to have a signed hardcover to go on my shelf and the audiobook would be AWESOME for our drive down to Florida in June, so I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed!

  1071. OHMYGODJENNY! Just in time for my summer reading frenzy! I absolutely cannot wait!!! Ten thousand congratulations to you. Sure wish you could fit Pittsburgh onto that awesome but incredibly brief tour!

  1073. Boston!! Please please come to Boston. I mean, New Hampshire would be better, but I’ll drive to Boston to see you 🙂

  1075. Philly! You must come to Philly. Hello, cheesesteaks? The country’s oldest zoo? THE MUTTER MUSEUM!?!?! That shit is right up your creepy alley. It’s all medical abnormalities. THEY HAVE EINSTEIN’S BRAIN!

  1076. I am sooooo excited to see this book. I can’t wait to get my grubby Canadian hands all over it. Though winning a signed copy… That would be better than having a unicorn who poops rainbows for a pet. No joke. Better than that.

  1077. Oh my freaking GAWD!!

    CAT BUTT rocks!! (and your book rocks too!)

    Super congrats, hon! Enjoy your book tour!

  1078. I’m in Canada and I wish you were coming here. Could you come to Winnipeg anyway? Unless you can’t cross the border for some reason… I would love a copy of your book then, since you can’t come into Canada. A signed one please.

  1080. I how you can come to Portland, OR – you know, Portlandia! You can visit Fred and Carrie and me!

  1081. Congrats!! I am so sad to miss your LA dates, I will be out of town then. I’ll keep up vicariously via the blog.

  1083. Pick me! I can’t wait to read your book and I don’t want to wait for my library to get a copy!

  1085. Seattle needs you too! My boyfriend said he pre-ordered your book and I can’t wait to read the whole thing after your small excerpt about working in HR. Keep up all the great writing!

  1087. Yeeeeessss!!!! I’m soooo excited for the book to come out, and I have been hoping so much that you would come to Houston. I will totally be there.

  1088. I will trade you one obnoxious insane calico cat butt for that fine grey-fluff cat butt. I can send pictures. (It’s okay, the calico cat belongs to my housemate. She won’t mind.)

  1090. oh please please please come to Washington, DC!!! I would bring with me every person I knew to hear you speak and see what an awesomely witty and amazing person you are!

  1091. would love to see you in indianapolis! congrats! this is a well deserved freak out! can’t wait to read the book!

  1093. I would like my one in 3000 chance of winning, please. Also, I’d love for you to come to Seattle, but comment number 3074 suggested Portland and I could live with a 3 hr drive to get my book signed. As long as Hamlet is there too.

  1094. I can’t wait to read your book! Having a signed copy would be amazing 🙂 Thanks!

  1095. Oh man, I would love to win this. Because I’m a broke college student and will have to give up cereal for a week otherwise so I can buy it, because I can’t not own it. And also, it’s my birthday?

  1099. And how come you aren’t coming to New Orleans? Enter me in the drawing and let me know if there is a later drawing for the cat butt. I have three dogs.

  1100. Come to TN! I bet you could fine all kinds of stuffed dead things here!!

  1101. I’m in Waterloo, Ontario so my friend and I will perhaps need to host a virtual book signing/tour stop here in your honor. I suspect the nice salespeople in our local Chapters will be somewhat perplexed to see us sitting at a table with our two pre-ordered books, cardboard cut-out of you, and a big metal chicken but it will be an enriching experience for them one way or another.

  1102. OMGOMGOMG! How totally exciting/terrifying/amazing for you! I can’t wait to get my copy. And while I’m sad there’s no Seattle date on your tour, I guess I’ll have to look into plane tickets to San Francisco. VACAY! Sweet, now I’m happy again.

  1103. OOOOH, I’m still in Texas and should be for the next month or so! I will do my best to make it to one of your book signings!

    Congratulations on the book publishing and the tour!! xoxo

  1105. Aww, I really wanted the cat butt. You should make the trek up to Canada, eh?

  1106. It would be nice if you came to Del Rio…. oh wait…. we don’t have a bookstore!! 🙁

  1107. I am soooo gonna wait in line to get something signed by you in San Francisco. 😀 And the chance to win the audiobook? I am so in!

  1108. I can’t wait to read your book!! Also, you should come to more East Coast locations on your tour. Preferably in Virginia.

  1110. Mee pleez!! Im in Scotland, but i’ll pay the postage, and buy the cheapest of all of your cocaine-dusted goods!!!x

  1112. DUDE I’ve wanted that book ever since you first mentioned it, and if I win it’ll save me the cost of bugging you about it if I win! See, everyone wins.

  1114. Come to College Station! You could easily fit it in the same day as the Houston or Austin days, and the college kids can’t miss class on a week day! Well we could, but that would be irresponsile which we *never* are.

  1116. Even though I have already purchased mine, I’d love to have a second! 🙂 I’m so excited for this book! And the audio too! Woohooo!

    I am sad you won’t be in the Portland, OR area though. 🙁

  1118. Jenny I look forward to reading your book and if you send me a free one I’ll read it faster and tell everyone I know about how great it is! BUt seriously thank you for all of the fun and laughs you give me every time. I read your blog! You are an encouragement and a joy.

  1120. This is so awesome! You won’t be anywhere near me but I can’t wait to get my pre-ordered book the day it comes out. Congrats!

  1121. First, YEAH book stuff!

    Second, no fair not sharing the cat butt *giggles*

    Third, we adore you and I hope the tour goes amazeballs. I’ll have to send my sisters to from San Antonio to virtually attend for me…. Well she’ll be real, I’ll be virtual…. or something.

    Where’s my TARDIS?

  1123. But we wanted you to come to SEEEEEAATTTTLLLLLE and we wannnnntttt the cat butt tooooooo.

  1125. Pretty please come to Australia so we can collate with Wil when he is here??

  1126. In for the book! I wish you were bringing your book tour to some place like Champaign, IL or Bloomington, IL…But oh, well.

  1127. And well you ought to be freaking out! That’s fantastic! Can’t even imagine the euphoria you must be feeling. 🙂

  1129. I hope I win! Congratulations for publishing! Please put Seattle on your tour. Your brand of humor would go over really well here.

  1130. That is so cool! Hope that one of the cities you add to your tour is Seattle!

    Just remember, breathing requires both and IN breath and an OUT breath.

  1132. How exciting! Can’t wait to read your book. If it’s anything like your blog, I know I’ll be instantly hooked!

  1135. I’m pretty sure it’s a law somewhere that this is the kind of thing you HAVE to freak out about!

    Now, just be sure to let us know when you add some tour stops in states that, you know, don’t form the borders of the country. We’re nice in the midwest, I promise!

  1137. I would love to have an autographed copy of your book AND audio book! That would make my Spring!!!

  1138. Any chance you’ll be coming through Philadelphia?

    I can’t wait to read your book! Your blog makes me laugh so hard I cry and then I have to share it with others.

  1140. You ROCK!
    I imagine, one day, telling my grandchildren that I was there, at that very moment in history, when your first book came out. They will be full of shock and awe, and they will ask me if I knew you then. I will have to tell them no, since Portland, Oregon isn’t on your tour. You might want to think about adding it.

    Big Cheers to You – Holly

  1141. You mentioned Bon Jovi!!! My love of squirrels (and Bon Jovi, but not in that order and not together really, although squirrels who can air guitar Wanted Dead or Alive would be awesome) makes me think you and I should be friends. Or pen pals. Or I’ll just keep reading your blog. And adding comments to beg you to send me an autographed something. Did I mention that I have kittens? They would enjoy the audiobook. They’re trying to learn to read, but they’re not sure they can finish their hooked on phonics in time. Oh, and we’re first name twins. Not me and the kittens, although one is named Farley and you said that the “ivagination” model looked like Chris Farley and it’s a girl kitten who probably hates lingerie. True story.

  1142. San Antonio!!! WOO HOO! I promise not to stalk you b/c that is weird but I am going to gather up my BFF and come admire you from afar. And get my book autographed if I don’t win!! WOO HOO!

  1143. So excited for you!! Can’t wait to read the book. Congratulations!

  1144. Awesome dude. In the freaking out vein, I would so love to get this for the library I manage so I can recommend it to all the sweet old ladies who loved “Go The F**k to Sleep” (seriously, there was a group of them cackling over it the other day)

  1145. I totally forgot to say that when my friend Jenn and I come see (stalk) you when you are in San Francisco we are so bringing our picture of the mint toilet bowl cleaner for you to autograph. Hell, we might just bring the bottle. And I LOVE that you are coming to SF on 420.

  1146. Congrats! I can’t wait to get my giant-metal-chicken-loving-collating-paper-every-chance-I-get-hands on a copy.
    Michelle

  1147. I think the photo with the cat butt would make a pretty sweet book tour poster as well. I love that cats/ parts of cats make surprise appearances throughout this blog.

    Great job on finally accomplishing your dream Jenny! I can’t wait to get my book next month!

  1149. I hope this is open to Canadian readers. I am really excited to buy your book! Too bad you aren’t touring anywhere in Canada. 🙁

  1150. Congratulations Jenny!!! Yea!!! Just go ahead and add Raleigh, NC (or anywhere in NC) to your tour list ok. I mean I’m sure you don’t mind adding 200+ sites to your tour because you love all of us and REALLY REALLY want to make us happy!!!

  1151. “Jenny Jenny which page shall I turn to? I gotta make this mine.” “Oh and more Ferris Mewler, he’s my favorite fe-li-i-ine!”

  1153. How do you feel about Australia? Its pretty awesome and we get your type of funny. Not as many guns as a Texas, but we do have a lot of rum. And what you’ve heard about all the deadly animals? Thats only mostly true. Plus, you totally need a taxidermied australia animal. I’m thinking Koala or possible a wallaby.

  1157. Holy crap I had to scroll through a lot of comments. I agree with Joshua, come to Kansas City for the BBQ, stay for a book signing. The best BBQ in town (Oklahoma Joe’s – yes it’s KANSAS CITY BBQ, NOT Oklahoma) is right down the street from the best book store in town (Rainy Day Books). So please come. and please choose me for the book giveaway – even though I already have it on order.

  1158. Oh my, I WANT!! And don’t feel bad about not sharing the cat butt, I have one of my own. That, at the moment, is fighting with my fingers for possession of the keyboard…

  1162. Darn, I was hoping for a chance to win the cat’s ass! I suppose an autographed copy of your new book will suffice instead. Kidding, of course! CONGRATS!!!!

  1163. Make it international and come to Switzerland – we have spacious bathrooms and delicious drinks! Also a museum of dead frogs riding squirrels. And eating pasta. And playing cards.

  1167. What? You’re not coming to Canada?! But Canada loves you! Did our invite get lost in the mail? I thought that I tied it to the goose’s leg extra-securely, but it must have fallen off. Unless I tied it too tightly and it caused the goose’s leg to fall off, in which case the goose may not have made it to you, which would explain why you’re shunning us.

    You should totally come to Canada. You’re witty and sarcastic, and we’re at least sarcastic – why else do you think we voluntarily live in a place where it’s usually winter? As an added bonus, our national food is poutine, which is fries with cheese and gravy. How could you not love that?

  1168. whoah, let’s hope that 3107 is my lucky number. And that you’ll ship to the uk! But as amazon.co.uk is stocking it I could go and order it come pay day….

  1172. I figure I should enter because I just bought a Kindle. I mean, it would only be natural for me to win a physical book within 7 days of buying a Kindle, right? PS, come to Boston on your book tour!

  1173. Oooh! Oooh! Pick me randomly! I would love your book! You are my inspiration! PICK ME! If I lived in America I would definitely go and see your show!

  1175. Would love the books to go with the three cat butts I already have. Come to Palm Springs area to talk and I’ll lend you a cat butt if you need it… and there’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

  1178. I read the excerpt out loud to my husband last night. We were both in tears from laughter about halfway through. I could barely finish the last few paragraphs. He told me “I’m going to be a widower in April because you’re going to die of laughter from that book, aren’t you?”
    Congrats that all your hard work has paid off. 🙂
    hearts & hand grenades. – red

  1180. I wish you could come around the Destin, FL area. We get a lot of tourists here during spring break and summer. I can’t wait to get your book 🙂 I have been following your blogs for a few months. Winning a copy of your book would be totally awesome! God, I just sounded like a surfer..

  1182. I am currently in the one part of the country that is NOT 80 degrees and sunny so nothing would brighten my 40 degree, rainy week more than winning that set…..

  1185. YES! Yay for coming to Dallas!!! And yay for a real live book you can hold in your hands and sniff the new book smell. (Is there a new book smell? There has to be, there’s old book smell. Regardless, I hope there was and that you snorted it lovingly.)

    Also, this is me entering for a signed book so that I can give away my pre-ordered copy. That way I can get a signed book AND look like a wonderful person for giving such a classy gift because I am SUCH A GOOD FRIEND. (Unless I don’t win. Then the bitches ain’t touchin’ my copy.)

  1186. Wait. Oh, I get it. The “Details Coming Soon” is blocking the Atlanta date. Right?

  1188. OMGWHYAREN’TYOUCOMINGTOATLANTA? We are ALL just like you here. Also, we have “nerve pills” that go quite well with wine.

  1189. OHMYGODTHATSTERRIFICNEWS! Even though I’ve pre-purchased your book, I’d love to win an autographed copy so I can give my other copy to my daughter, who just loves your blog too!

  1190. I wish you were coming to Philly:( Best of luck on the book tour and I’m stoked the book will be out soon.

  1191. Congrats Jenny! So exciting – I will definitely come to see you if you come nearby!!!!

  1192. Oh and P.S. my friend Anne has a mansion in Buckhead we can use for your book signing party. Just sayin’

  1193. I noted that the midwest, Indianapolis specifically, has been left off the tour. So sad. I think that means I should win the books.

  1195. I am #3317 in comments. And you are picking 1? What are the odds? Looks awesome. I suppose after this loss I will get it on my Kindle…..maybe you should draw another for the electronic book….and pick me. Thanks!

  1197. Kansas City is an awesome place for a book tour stop. Can’t wait to get my hands on a copy of your audio-book. Good luck with your tour. Kick some ass, take some names and keep your eyes open for some crazy taxidermy.

  1198. So frigging proud of you, Jenny, and so very excited to read your book. Also can’t wait to read your post about how awesome sharks are, because YEAH they are. Shark Unicorn Success Club …?? Huh? Huh?

  1199. I wish you’d come to Minneapolis. I’ll have to console myself with your book.

  1200. I didn’t see Atlanta on the list. What the hell? Are not good enough for you? I mean, we’re better than San Antonio and Houston combined. PLUS they film the Walking Dead here, you could be an extra, how awesome would that be?? AND it’s a TARDIS friendly environment. Because I know you have one. Atlanta. That is all.

  1201. SWEET! Oh and I have an idea/request because I need to enjoy your brilliance all day long! Are you ready for it? A Windows 7 Aero Theme! The background pictures on the desktop should include, but not be limited to, Beyonce, Ferris Mewler, the Squirrel, etc. This would be seriously awesome!

    Can’t wait to read your book!

  1202. You should come to Australia, particularly Adelaide. I will make you cake and frozen margaritas. You might miss your cat though, so just send me the book and the audio book and I’ll send you a photo of the cake you will miss cause you didn’t come to my house.

  1203. Awesome! You are always hysterical or poignant or both. I wish you were coming to the south but I’ll just have to nom the book instead. You’re the best! xoxo

  1204. One of the few times where “not the cat butt” didn’t kill my desire in the pictured item…Also, bummer that you aren’t coming to Seattle on your tour. If you came, I would bring you cupcakes. (Hope the tour is a great experience!)

  1205. Wow, this would be awesome to win! Also, judging by the amount of people who have commented, I don’t think you’ll have a problem getting people to the signings. If you are looking for more places to add to the tour, Phoenix would be great. Jen Lancaster likes to come here 🙂 I think that’s a pretty good recommendation.

  1206. 1. Your tour coordinator spelled Atlanta wrong.
    2. I don’t need the cat tail. Already have one. In related news, I’m headed to the surgery store on Friday… sure would LOVE a book to read as I recover <3

  1208. Oh my! I haven’t won anything since I was the tenth caller to a radio station when I was 15. Using a rotary phone! Since then everything became digital/electronic and I suck at contests.

    Also. You should totally come to Tacoma! Ok, Seattle would be doable also. I know many people who would skip work to go to your book tour. Not me, though. I’m a teacher and it would set a bad example for my kids. Oh wait, it would set the example of AWESOME for my kids. I’m in.

  1210. I can’t wait to read! Every post on your site I read makes me laugh so hard I want to pee in my pants! I think the book will do the same!! Congrats!

  1211. /sadface

    I won’t be in Dallas until a month after the book tour, the tour doesn’t take you anywhere near me, and even if it did I’m due at the end of April, so no book tour for me all around!

    *sob*

    I’m so excited though!! 😀

  1212. If I win this book, I will be my wife’s favorite person.

    I mean, otherwise I’ll just buy it. But help me be my wife’s favorite person.

  1213. Please please please get your people to talk to Craig Ferguson’s people and get your ass on the Late Late Show when you are in LA! You would have so much fun with him! He’s a huge supporter of authors (and a pretty kick ass author himself), loves Neil Gaiman, has a TARDIS ON HIS DESK, and a robot skeleton side-kick. What more could you ask for?

  1215. YES! I will be doing EVERYTHING I can to see you when you’re in Dallas! You are one of my true heroes.

  1218. I’m super excited about getting your book! Already pre ordered it 🙂 Wish you were coming to Charlotte, NC. I would totally be there.

  1220. I’m pretty sure there’s a law somewhere that says this is exactly the type of thing you’re required to freak out about!

    Now I just need to wait for you to add a tour location in a state that’s, you know, not on the borders of the country. 🙂 We’re nice in the midwest, promise!

  1221. THREE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO COMMENTS BEFORE ME? AAAAARGGGHHHHH! I gotta win this book!

  1222. Congrats Jenny!
    You are so awesome! I cant’ wait to read your book!!!!

  1223. I need this because I read your blog posts to my husband but I am tired of trying to explain you to him so this will help him understand you better.

  1224. Yeah Books!! I love your blog and pretty much every time you post something new I practically choke to death from laughing. I seriously need to make sure that I am not drinking or eating while reading your posts.

    I wouldn’t mind the cat butt, as well, but only if the tail is operational so that my cat has something to chase.

  1225. Any plans for a Canadian tour? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Super stoked to read your book 🙂

  1226. OMGAWD! —– I TOTALLY THINK SHARKS ARE AWESOME TOO!!

    I love them and that’s the truth. They are the most misunderstood animal on the whole, entire planet.

  1228. Come to Kansas City! Not only do we have BBQ, but you are guaranteed not to run into any giant squids and drinking is pretty much the only thing we have to do.

  1232. OMGWTFBBQ you’re going to be in NYC on my birthday?!?! If it was anxiety inducing for me to navigate the city on my own I would SO BE THERE! Will you come to my bathroom instead? It’s kind of fun. There are cartoon poodles on the wallpaper. Is it odd that I asked you to come to my bathroom?

  1233. Holy Jesus. 3000 comments? Good luck reading them. You’ll just need a time-space continuum and 45 assistants.

    Well crap anyway I just wanted to say yay for you and congratulations!! I really am so happy for you!!

    I just bought your book but would love to win another 🙂 I’ll give it to my momma and hope that it will cheer up. She’s had a hard time lately.

    Congrats again!

  1236. I totally have too many books in the queue to read, but the second my copy comes I will drop them all to read yours! I am so excited! You should consider coming to the Great Lakes area! Chicago is lovely!

  1237. Congrats to you!! Pick me for the freebie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait to get my hands on this book!. PS there are beyonce puppets around my office dept!

  1238. Aw, I’m so happy this is happening for you, Jenny.

    The funny thing is I talk about you and your humor so much I have to call you “my friend Jenny” even though I’m really just a super creepy fan. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve even gotten my boyfriend super pumped about your book and I’m setting aside money just so I can buy it when it comes out. And he’s probably going to steal it from me and read it first and come to the conclusion that Jenny Lawson is fucking amazing.

    I’m tired. I’m not sure what I’m talking about anymore. Good day!

  1239. I too wish you were coming to DC. The cities you will visit are almost enough to make me go visit Texas. Hmmmm…

  1241. Wish you were coming to Portland, OR! Even if I don’t win this particular book, I’ll still be buying a copy. And even though I can’t physically make it to any of the stops on your tour, I promise to attend every one in spirit:)

  1246. Please oh please come to Portland, OR! Your blog is amazing and I can’t wait to read your book!!

  1247. Yay =) Hopefully I’ll be able to make it to one of them. It’s hard going any where with three little kids!

  1248. Woot! Woot! YOU’RE COMING TO DALLAS!!!!!!!!!

    If I win the books will you tell me where you bought the beautiful blanket/comforter/bedspread/insert-your-word-for-it-here??? It’s gorgeous!

    Oh. And thank you (should be written in all caps, bolded, italicized, in a pretty color) for making me laugh everyday and for making The Hubs almost stop to look at (buy) a metal chicken recently (next one i see is MINE). You rock!!

  1249. I would love another copy of your book to give as a gift! Of course i have already ordered a copy for me.
    Please, please, please come to Des Moines. I happen to know you have a rather large and dedicated following in Ames, Iowa.

  1251. OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!! I can’t believe how fabulous it is going to be to have all your wonderful snarky humor in my own little hands! I love it! Congrats!

  1253. Come to Madison Wisconsin! I will personally take you to every crazy taxidermy shop in the area, and it will be a fantastic time!

  1257. So awesome! I’m super excited to receive my (pre-ordered from Amazon) copy of your book. Love your excerpt about HR as I am an HR professional also and could TOTALLY relate to what you wrote! I am sharing with all my HR Peers… yay!

  1260. Fort Worth! Fort Worth! Fort Worth! Fort Worth!

    Or my living room in Haslet? Book signing I mean….. 😉

  1262. I really enjoy your blog. Thanks to you, douchecanoe is one of my favorite words. 🙂

  1264. Oh sure, get my hopes up with the book, the audiobook AND the cat’s butt. Fine, be that way. But let’s be real. I would love to be as cool as Matthew Broderick and have a copy of your book AND the audiobook (with hopes of a cat’s tail…are they lucky like a rabbits foot?) You are my favorite after all.

  1265. Congrats! I am furiously happy for you!

    Can’t wait to get my copy – seems like I must wait forever! *drums fingers impatiently*

    😀

  1266. Pick me! Really. I’m a great choice! But what’s up with skipping over the midwest? We love you, too!

  1267. Another vote for Washington STATE – way better than DC. I would love to win your signed book but I would much rather see you on tour and get my own book signed which I have already ordered. Please come to the Pacific Northwest, it is beyond beautiful up here.

  1271. I’m definately going to have to play hooky at work when you go to Dallas!!! Can’t wait to read (and hear!!!!) the book. I mean, if the Earworm and Sparks McGee loved it, I can’t go wrong!!!

  1272. I am so excited for your book and now extra super excited for book tour in San Francisco!

    I am very happy for your success

  1275. Alaska is lovely this time of year! (Okay, I’m lying. It’s not. And it’s going to get squishy and muddy here soon, but you could be totally in to squishy cold mud, and then it would be lovely. So there you go.)

  1276. I so wish you were coming to Columbus or Indianapolis or St. Louis…anywhere in the midwest, really. I have a Beyonce cookie cutter, and I will bake you cookies!!! I’m an awesome bakestress!

  1277. As comment #1 said, come to Kansas! Really looking forward to reading the book when it shows up on my doorstep.

  1278. wow! I’ve been so excited for your book (still haven’t decided if I want paper, kindle, or audio book – these are tough choices) and then I read the blurb and am triply excited because I laughed so much I had what my mom calls ‘hilarity induced asthma’

  1280. SEE YOU IN SAN FRANCISCO!!! or rather, Corte Madera, which is just a few minutes north of the Golden Gate Bridge. Soooo curious about who else here in No Cal shares you with me… in a completely stalky kind of way. completely.

  1286. I just finished paying off ALL our debt with my tax refund, and the VERY first thing I did was buy your book. But I’ll accept a signed freebie too…plus, I would totally dig hearing you read it out loud. That’s GOT to be great. This comment has been very “all capsy.” Thanks for being awesome, Jenny. You are the BEST!

  1287. I feel like you should add Brisbane, Australia to your destinations. Because let’s face it, you ought to milk that tour for all it’s worth! Plus, half my office would come which would mean not only that you’d be surrounded by a bunch of entertainment-starved (and carb-starved) lawyers, but also that I’d totally take a day off work.

    PS. Also, I have my own gigantic cat. So all I need to complete the picture is your book. It’d be sweet if you could assist on that front!

  1288. Freak out… You deserve it! Congratulations and am looking forward to seeing you in San Antonio.

  1289. Congrats! It must be SO exciting for you! I can’t wait for your book to come out. I just told my fiancee that I want it for Mother’s Day. 🙂

  1292. You have to come to Chicago! I’ve been looking for your book for the past few weeks because I thought it was already out. I was so sad that no bookstores in my neighborhood were carrying it! I deserve to see you in person!

  1294. Congrats! You earned it! Can’t wait to hopefully shake your hand (in the bathroom right?), at least our hands will be clean.

  1295. You go girl!!!! I hope you add cities like Little Rock (hint hint) or at least Fayetteville!!!!!

  1299. Oh, if only you had a Southeastern city in there… But your set design is a no-brainer: your bathroom!!!!! Complete with a 2-way mirror so we see you, but you think you’re talking to yourself in the mirror. And hence, less anxiety! (Congrats!!!)

  1300. Portland, Oregon please. It’s home to those of us just quirky enough to read and love your book (and blog)! I love your wry personality and the way you are comfortable with putting life out there just as it is, no censorship. It’s bold and it’s the way we should all be!

  1304. I’m so thrilled for you! Make sure to let us know if we need to bring any libations in disguise to any of those events. ; )

  1305. Congratulations!!!

    *fingers crossed that I get picked for the autograph copy*

  1306. I have NEVER posted in here but I have read you for ages – and I would love a copy of your book.

    When are you coming “Down Under” ?!!? =)

  1308. What?!? No tour dates in the Mid-West? And I would have bought you lunch at the Mars Cheese Castle…

  1310. I can’t wait. My partner and I ordered two copies because we just can’t wait to read your book! Some things cannot be shared!

  1312. I love you and I have already preordered two copies of your book, one for me and one for a friend to discuss it with. Like our own little fucked up two-person book club. In other words I could totally use a third.

  1314. Pretty please!!! I would love to have this to read! Otherwise, I might actually have to , you know, buy it! And come to San Diego!!!!

  1315. Come to Canada: we’re really nice! I promise! If you were to go to Vancouver, or even Seattle I’d come see you! My bathroom is HUGE, if you wanted to do a signing. Or a singing. Bathroom concerts are cool.

  1316. congrats! looking forward to finally reading it! any chance you’d consider expanding your book tour to cover dc, md, or pa? ny is a bit of a drive 🙁

  1317. Please come to WA!! would travel to see you! congrats on the book! I can’t wait to read it, it is an amazing accomplishment. (Ya know…I’d probably even travel to OR, if that is more compelling…what with the Voodoo Doughnuts and all. How can your refuse maple syrup and bacon on a DOUGHNUT??? Though, we do have flying fish and razor clams here in Seattle…hmmmm. Probably not the most compelling case…but still 🙂 My vote: Come to the Pacific Northwest!!!!! 🙂 Have a wonderful time on your tour, regardless.

  1318. Congratulations!! Do you think you might include Michigan in your book tour?? I’d be over the moon if you came here!

  1319. That’s so exciting!! I wish you were coming to Canada, though. I would travel just about anywhere in Ontario to meet you!

  1321. Oh man, I am so happy for you. You bring me so much joy and make me feel like I am not alone in my crazy (and that is meant to be a compliment but I guess I am not like a normal person who would probably word a compliment more like “you have great hair or you are an amazing writer” – both of which are true)

  1322. I cannot wait for my book to arrive! it is going to be my post-exam celebration.

  1323. Can’t you come to Canada so you can bill yourself as an “International Sensation”? If the Wiggles can make it here I don’t see why you and Hamlet von Schnitzel can’t hop a red eye.
    I would love a signed copy of your book.

  1325. Congrats on the book! I think it’s well deserving of some celebratory screaming.

    Thanks to Wil Wheaton’s blog, I recently discovered all of your wondrous writing and will have to check out the book. And if I still lived in Austin, I’d be at the event there as well. Best of luck to you – I’m sure your fans with the cozy bathroom hideouts will be happy to host. 🙂

  1326. WHYYYYYYYY?! (delivered a la James T Kirk with a resounding KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!)

    Why aren’t you coming to Canada? Toronto hearts you!

  1328. EEEEEPP!

    (That was the abject horror of having more than 3,000 comments precede mine.)

    What will it take? Groveling? Twine? I have a movie poster above my desk at work “Bonnie and Clyde VS Dracula” and I’d totally be willing to offer it as a bribe… ok, not really because you don’t check your mail that often.

    How ’bout some good-ol-fashion whining, groveling, pleading and ass-kissing?
    PLEAAAAAASESSEE-I-NEED-IT-WANT-IT-HAVE-NO-MONEY-HAVE-TO-HAVE-IT-LOVE-YOU-THINK-YOU-RULE-AND-YOU’RE-PRETTY-AND-YOUR-BUTT-LOOKS-SMALL-IN-THOSE-JEANS-PICK-MEEEEE- AAAAARRRRR!!!!!!

  1332. I cannot wait for your book! Please come to Kansas City, we DO have booze lollipops

  1333. I’m so excited for your book! You are pretty much exactly what I see myself as in 10 years 🙂

  1335. Oooh, pick me, pick me, pretty please! And also, you should add Tucson to your tour 🙂

  1336. I want your book… so. bad.

    Plus, you need to come to Canada. I was praying you’d even make an appearance in Seattle because I would totally drive to see you on your book tour. But you’re not. So, I deserve your book. Period.

  1338. I’m so excited for you! It must be incredible to hold your own book in your hands after working so long on it.
    By the way, if you decide to give away the cat butt, you can send it this way.
    Although I’d rather you’d send the whole cat, because it would be a bit weird to cuddle with a butt.
    Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

  1340. I totally wish that you could come to Central Florida. You could hide in my bathroom if you wanted. I’d be right there with some booze and snacks…

  1343. Awesome, can’t wait, I’m excited, WOOT!!!!!! Just wondering why Kentucky isn’t on your list, though. Did we perhaps do something to offend you? Allergic to the smell of blue grass and/or horse manure? Got something against the Colonel? We’re really not that bad, I swear. I mean, don’t look at me as any kind of example or anything, but just give us a chance. At any rate, looking forward to your book (sadly I got the Kindle version as well, but may get a ‘hard’ copy, too. Just cos I can) Feel like I’ve had it on pre-order for like ten years. Won’t be long now and, before I forget, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

  1344. I’ve started following you recently, but love your blog! So entertaining!

  1345. By the way, you should totally come to Kansas City. I’ll make you a caipirinha to cheer you up. It’s a Brazilian drink and it’s great!

  1346. two major west coast city, one east coast city, and Texas…..You can hide in my bathroom if you hit the pacific northwest Spokane, WA would be awesome, Coeur d’Alene, ID better, but I’ll drive to Seattle for you.

  1347. Happy Birthday to Matthew Broderick! This must be his birthday present, yes?

  1348. I’m so excited to read your book when it comes out. I’m sure my husband won’t mind me laughing and trying to read to him while he sleeps.

  1349. Hooray, your book! I have nothing witty to add because I live in Buffalo and it’s currently 75 degrees in March and my brain has exploded from the shock.

    Seriously, congratulations.

  1350. Congratulations on your book! I am a relative newcomer to your blog, and I love you already. Having your book would be the icing on the cake.

  1351. Congratulations, Jenny! I can’t tell you how long I’ve been reading your blog (although I’d been around a while when the first James Garfield Miracle went down, so it was probably sometime the year before that), but I can tell you that some ridiculous people of my acquaintance are sick of hearing about how amazing you are. I think it’s pretty telling that I can start a story about finding your confidence or taxidermy art, and everyone always knows exactly who I’m going to be talking about! If you make it up to Seattle, be sure to let us know. We have a whole group who would probably show up in Traveling Red Dresses for the signing. 😀

  1352. To catch you on the book tour I’ll have to leave the house (and the state), but for you . . . I’ll consider it.

  1353. I can’t wait to read your book! If you come to New Orleans I will take you to dinner.

  1354. I have been spending the last 3 weeks going and reading EVERY one of your blogs, you are HILARIOUS (I have to make notes every nite of where I leave off, LOL). CAN’T WAIT FOR YOUR BOOK! Just wish you were coming to Memphis….

  1356. Yay! I can’t wait until it comes out! You need to come to NC on your tour

  1358. Come to DC!!!! Please please please. I already ordered a book w/ a signed bookplate, but I would totes love to be considered for a free audiobook =)!! (Though lets be real, if I don’t get it I’ll probably just buy that too since I often have to take long road trips).

    Congrats on getting your hard copy of all your hard work!! I can’t wait until it is in MY hands too!!

  1362. Pssh, see how upset I am? I have you traveling backwards! Ugh….
    On your way from CA to TX, youll pass through AZ. You should make time to stop 😉 We have lots of taxidermy!

  1364. Since you’re not coming to Canada, this autographed book is the closest I’ll be able to get to you. …Until I take the DNA you’ve left on the book after signing it, and then clone you, and then clone the clone (because someone has to do the housework while the two of us go shopping for giant metal chickens, obvs) and then suddenly we have a Multiplicity situation on our hands…

    Anyway, I live in Canada and I’d like your book.

  1365. no cat butt, no deal. (kidding, please enter me into the draw) and CONGRATS!!

  1366. Please come to Chicago!!! Or Indianapolis!

    I have already pre-ordered, but if I win I will give your signed copy to my baby sister (who’s 26 next month) who adores you, as do I!

    Congrats on the success of your book – you are truly an amazing writer!

  1367. How far can flattery get me?
    You are my hero.

    Many congratulations on the success of your book! I missed the pre-sale, unfortunately. And it looks like you won’t be traveling close enough to me. What’s so scary about Seattle? Except maybe the hippies…can’t tell them apart from the hobos…scary, crazy hobos…

    Oh yes, I’ve started dropping ya’ll into conversation. My boyfriend’s Texan mother thinks its cute.

  1370. Congratulations!

    Now, maybe it’s all of the pollen on my contacts, but I didn’t see Richmond, VA on your tour list. Or anywhere remotely within driving distance for that matter. My bathroom is open if you need a tour stop site.

  1371. You’re beyond awesome. Hilarious and a woman who speaks the truth about things funny and hard. I heart you.

  1372. Bummed you are not coming out to Kansas City. I mean we are smack in the middle of the US, kind of right on your way to anywhere, but I totally understand. We do have lots of fountains and a big river though, so maybe you’ll reconsider.
    XOXOXO
    Pippi

  1373. I love your blog and I would LOVE to win a copy of this book. Right after I submit this i’m going to check the details on your NY visit!

  1374. You are awesome, I already preordered the book, so if I win, I will make someone else furiously happy 🙂
    Much love from Pensacola, FL

  1375. Congrats! That is the coolest thing ever.

    And did you know (probably not, but you will because I told you) Amazon.com sent me an e-mail telling me that there were some memoirs I would like. Whose was the top of the list…. YOURS! I was like “Wow, Amazon totally gets me!”

  1378. Between Beyoncé, plane rides with taxidermied wonders, and ruined soufflé, suffice it to say that I cannot WAIT to read your book. So excited and happy for you! 😀

  1379. OMG! I would so love to win this. Will there be a digital version of your book? Such as for Nook.

  1380. Boston/Cambridge is ok, but it’s crowded and EVERYBODY goes there. I think its too intimidating. I’d like to suggest Manchester, New Hampshire (airport code MHT). Really committed people from Boston can drive there – it’s only an hour away.

    Manchester: Smaller, but pleasant and friendly. Still has the Boston accents, but it also has people with mullets. It’s nickname is Manch-vegas, the baseball team is the Fisher Cats*, and the hockey team is the Monarchs. Come on!

    *Yes, they named a baseball team for a weasel. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.

  1381. Pick me! Pick me! And come to the southeast somewhere. Doesn’t matter where, I have a reliable car, I can get there. We love you in Auburn, Alabama!!!!!

  1382. I want to win a book, because I never win anything, and because I really badly truely want to read it. You are hilarious and real and beautifully human.

  1383. ooo I would love signed copy of your book! Also you should come to Atlanta!

  1385. Congratulations! This is very exciting. Not as exciting as it would be if you were also giving away the cat butt, but I’d put this at a solid 9 on the scale.

  1386. You have a cat butt? Damn, girl. Don’t you know they have a pill for that now? Go on in to the clinic and get that shit removed or something.

  1387. New York? That must mean you are going on Stephen Colbert and talk about wonky ears.

  1388. Oh, this is such a fabulous giveaway, I hope I win!!! I wish that you were touring in Canada too, maybe next time??? 🙂

  1389. Congratulations! So excited for this. I’ve had it on my Amazon wish list since I found out it was coming out. I’m hoping to get to see you in NY too.

  1390. Hey. Portland, OR is a nice place to sign books! Looking forward to reading your book.

    Did you know there are a few bloggers offering a copy of your book as part of a giveaway? waitinthevan.com is one. I can’t remember the other two. I’m hoping to win one,m but if not, I’ll totally buy my own copy. Alas, it will not be signed.

  1391. You need to come to NC and bring Beyonce with you on your book tour…I must admit I am still slightly jealous of Matthew Broderick and his copy of your book.

  1392. Every time I’m on the laptop and laughing at something my kid says, ‘let me guess, the weasel lady right?’ I already preordered the book for the book plate but I’ll donate it to the library if I get to win the other one. Really is a huge accomplishment, and I am truly excited to read it.

  1393. I have already ordered the book but being serenaded by your audio book would be lovely! I can’t wait!

  1394. OMGOMGOMG! I’m so taking APRIL 20th off. Be happy to buy you a cup of coffee when you are in SF. Congratulations!!!!!!

  1395. Would love love LOVE for you to come to Minneapolis, MN. I recognize that most of the Midwest is considered “fly-over,” but Mpls is a little gem. You can come and freak out in our bathroom with a booze slushie if you need. I get it. I’ll probably be there, too. Really. Thank you for being that super kind of lovely and crazy that turns so many of my puddley moments into beaming moments. Crovely? Lovezly? Nope…not gonna catch on. Anyhow, thank you. It would be fabulous to meet you some day.

  1399. Wish I had the money to make it to at least one of those dates. 🙁 I will have to sit home and eat a bucket of ice cream and a bag of marshmallows instead. (yep I said bucket and bag. Bigger portions provide more comfort. Don’t judge.)

  1401. I haven’t pre-ordered your book yet, and now I realize….IT’S BECAUSE I FORGOT THERE WOULD BE AN AUDIO VERSION!!!! Driving from AL to MA in May and need something to listen to! Perfect. Thanks for the reminder!

  1402. Not that I’ll win, but I have to try since this is the only thing my mom wants for her birthday next month. Although I already plan on getting the Kindle edition. I bought my mom a Kindle just for this book.

  1403. I can not wait to read this book on my honeymoon!!!!! We are off to St. Thomas on the 4/23 and this book will be in my carryon waiting to be read on the sand!

  1405. If I can make it, I will certainly come see you in SF on the 20th. It will likely depend on when and where in the city you’ll be. I live and work across the bay, so getting over to SF on a Friday night might be a challenge. I will try though.

    I am looking forward to reading the book, though I drug my feet too long on my pre-order (trying to decide where to order) and I appear to have missed out on the bookplate offer.

    If by some freak chance I win the give away, I’ll pass on my pre-ordered copy to someone else to enjoy. ^_^

  1406. Oh, and I checked out the book on Amazon and saw “What Other Items Do Customers Buy After Viewing This Item?” and The Hunger Games is listed. What a varied audience you have.

  1407. I so excited about your new book:) I pre-ordered it, and I can’t wait until it gets here! Congratulations and thank you for making me laugh:) You have a true gift.

  1408. If you do a book tour in Fort Mill, SC I will let you and Beyonce hide in my bathroom for as long as you want.

  1409. I can’t wait to read it! I find myself cracking up at the blog all the time, so I figure this is one book that I should not read on the stationary bike at the gym. People tend to look at you funny if you are snorting and can’t catch your breath from laughing.

  1410. I know you say this give away is random but in case it is not I would really like the signed copy to go to my sister (also my best friend) who just moved from Texas to Washington with her family and is feeling very depressed and home sick. Your blogs always make her laugh and I know your book will as well. Thanks for adding sunshine to people’s lives!

  1411. OMG. You’re coming to Austin. I’m so beyond thrilled!!!! And, on a Wednesday, when I don’t have to work. Woot!

  1412. Books & Books here in the Cayman Islands hosts authors regularly….please come visit, pleeeeease!

  1414. Oh man, these are the moments where I really wish I lived in (or anywhere near) a major city instead of Boondocky McBoondock, FL. I’d love to come and see you at one of your events, you’re my personal jesus.

  1417. If I don’t win, I’m buying the book. I’d like to win, though. 🙂

  1420. WOOOHOO! Congratulations! You’ll be in NYC on my birthday. I think that sounds like the perfect 30th birthday present, don’t you??

  1422. It’d be great if you’d switch that April 24th location from Houston to Indianapolis. Meeting the Bloggess and getting a copy of your books signed in person would be a great birthday present for my sister.

    Thanks in advance 🙂

  1424. Ohhhh please I never win anything.

    Also, I can’t believe that this has like 3400 comments. omg. You’re famous. 😀

  1426. I’m comment 3398… come on random selection for comment 3398! I’ll see you in Houston. I’ll even bring you some booze in the bathroom.

    NY, LA, San Fran, Houston, Austin, Dallas….. and San Angelo? That’s a little weird to see. But I mean, it would be a shame to leave out all of the West TX peeps.

  1427. I think I should get a book and audiobook because you aren’t coming to Boston. And it’s a Major Metropolitan Area! But if that’s scary, you can come to my house in Worcester (MA), since Worcester is only the second largest city in New England, but people in Boston don’t think we exist.

    Plus, I love audiobooks.

  1430. I just discovered you but would LOVE to win a copy of your book! Also, schedule a couple book tour stops in the Midwest?

  1431. Please, please come to MN. Rochester, Minneapolis…I’d even take Chicago. Please. I’m even saving the snark because I sincerely would like you to come at least w/in 400 miles of me. Pretty please. Thank you 🙂 (oh, and how much would I LOVE to have audio book? Muchly.

  1432. CONGRATS (not just on the cat butt, but on the book too!!!) I am so happy for you! I am looking forward to reading your book as soon as I get my hands on one, and it would be awesome to read a copy that has your autograph on it! Congrats again!

  1433. Okay, the except kind of made me laugh in ways that my roommate is giving me some seriously strange looks for.

  1435. I feel like I am playing the lottery!! 🙂 I would love to win your book.. it looks amazing. I will also come see you in San Fran. Congrats!!!

  1436. No fair! Seattle is not on the list. Please come to Seattle.I assure you, we’re delightfully odd.

  1437. I guess I’ll be headed to NY in April because thats the closest one for me! Congratulations!

  1439. That’s a lot of Texas. Maybe you’ll consider the upper Midwest someday. But till then, can I win a book? Thank you.

  1440. Hey – there are a lot of readers in Minnesota – specifically Minneapolis. If you come, I promise to take care of you during a panic attack – I’m a pro.
    Seriously – congratulations – I’ve got 2 copies on order and can’t wait to get them.
    Best, best, best of luck and success.

  1442. Alas, it would seem that you are not coming to Ohio. I don’t blame you.

    Congratulations on the book coming out! Of course we all know it is hilarious, and will sell like hotcakes. I was going to say better than hotcakes, because who buys hotcakes? But then I realized that ‘hotcakes’ is probably just some antiquated or regional word for ‘pancakes’, and then Google agreed with me, and I have to say, pancakes sell pretty well. Enough that they have their own International House, apparently. But I’ll bet you could still outsell them. I think I’ve gotten off track here.

  1443. I’d be happy with an autographed book! I still won’t be back in the states for any of the signings so I can’t join the fun….But I did pre-order my copy of the book, so YAY!! I can’t wait to read it!!

  1445. I ordered a hard copy and a copy for the Kindle. Can’t wait for them to arrive!

  1446. I can’t wait for my copy to arrive!!! Wish you were hitting a location close to Cleveland. 🙂

  1447. I’m all the way up in Canada, and would LOVE an autographed copy of the book!

  1448. Bring Copernicus to Iowa! This is the first book I have ever pre-ordered, I can’t wait to get it!

  1449. Awe! Don’t make me regret leaving Dallas even more! Minnesota always gets left out!

  1452. You’re coming to LA! That is so exciting!!!! I want your book so badly, so that sounds like the best time to get one <3

  1453. Woah. I just scrolled down at warp speed. Will Weaton would be impressed, I’m sure. Anywho, congratulations and such on this great endeavor! Can’t wait to download the audiobook…. if you feel like a Book Tour to Chardon, Ohio, we’re known for Maple Syrup and an amazing community that shares One Heartbeat. Enough said. Best wishes, Jenny!

  1454. Well… no dates in Canada, so I will accept your apology with an autographed audiobook of hardcover. I’m not picky 😉 Can’t wait to read it and be reduced to tears from laughing so hard

  1462. OMG I WANT TO COME!!!

    but i can’t afford the $2000 flight + expenses to zip over from Australia.

    the solution is for you to just come to Australia. HEAPS of space, so no panic attacks. there’s really only like 6 of us here, in six cities for the whole CONTINENT so we’re all pretty much the same as you, only no one ever crowds us or tries to make us speak in front of crowds (because a crowd of 5 isn’t really a crowd when spread across 5000 miles of land).

    so there. my two cents. see you in Oz.

  1464. I hope the venues for your tour have fabulous bathrooms. I wish I could be there to meet you (in the bathroom, of course.) Congratulations and thank you for sharing yourself with the world. this probably sounds creepy but you really enrich lives. Comic relief and confirmation that I am not alone…

  1465. I just “discovered” you by way of a co-worker. Sorry to see that you won’t be visiting the Detroit area along your tour.

  1466. OMG I just had the best idea! You should come get a manicure at our shop before your book signing in LA.j You KNOW everyone is going to be looking at your hands when you autograph books! Check out our Pinterest Page (we are listed as a person called Plush Beauty Bar.) Seriously!!!! You’ll love it–we’ll do something fantastic, and FREE!

    Wine-slushies and Los Angeles Rock Star Nails! Call me!

    Jennifer

  1469. Wait a minute, that cat butt is yours? You never told us you had a cat butt.

  1471. I think your cat is trying to wipe his ass with the pages. Not cool, kitty. Not cool.

  1472. Talk about freaking out, my phone browser crashed about 10 times before I gave up to just read your post and comment on my PC. I already preordered the book on my Kindle but I would looooove to get a signed copy. And I’ll throw in my two cents in that it would be spectacular if you came to Des Moines, Iowa 😉 I have two bathrooms you could hide in, your choice of green or blue 🙂

  1473. I’m so excited to get my preordered copy! If you decide to come to North Carolina, I’ll be happy to offer my bathroom for you to hide out in as needed.

  1474. Congratulations to you on the book! I wish you were coming to the Chicago area! I would bring my white tail deer skull, Murray, to see you! No, he isn’t taxidermied. He’s just a clean (but not bleached) skull and antlers. The reason I love him so is because some numbnut tried to cut off the 12-point rack and left him with an awesome line that looks like a lobotomy scar. And who doesn’t love a lobotomized buck?

    Anyway… sad you aren’t coming to Chicago, but I’m looking forward to reading the book! Have fun on tour!

  1475. Yay I can’t wait to read it. I would love to see you on tour but you really aren’t going anywhere near enough to me.

  1476. Wahoo! You’ll be in SA! Already got it marked on my calendar, just like i already have the book ordered. Can’t wait!!!

  1478. Okay, the word Kansas is mentioned in your comments 45 times. Well, 46 now. But taking away the people who said Arkansas (oops, just raised the number to 47 times) and people who mentioned it twice on their comment, there are 35 people who are asking you to come to Kansas (48 times now). Therefore, I think you should really consider that. Plus, we can arrange for a great party somewhere with a great bathroom. And alcohol, of course.
    Just think about it, okay?
    😉

  1479. Even though I already have it pre-ordered I would squeeeee with excitement in getting an autographed copy. I can not wait to read it either way!

  1480. YEAH and HOUSTON !!!! My good friend who designs GAS PLANTS and has a GIANT TAXIDERMY PIG SHE SHOT in her office can some see you. Nothing keeps the macho men she works with in the oil and gas industry in like like showing them her stuffed wild pig and saying “his name is Mark, I named him after my ex husband right before I shot him”.

  1481. I want a copy of your book! The excerpts you posted yesterday had me laughing out loud and reading them to my husband.
    I already pre-ordered a copy, but it’s for my sister who introduced me to your blog. Aren’t I a great sister? A sister this nice deserves a free autographed book!

  1482. I think you are amazing. Especially if you manage to read this many blog comments and tweets on a regular basis. However, if you choose me, I will not only write you a large poem but I will also auction the autographed media off for The Traveling Red Dress. Swear! Or, as I 100% pronounce it in my head, swurr (because I’m street).

  1483. Yea for a Northern CA appearance. This is my official “I want to win” comment. Thank you and good-night.

  1485. You should definitely come to the Chicago area. You and Victor can stay with us. We have trained attack cats to fend off anyone in need of off-fending and my wife is a blackbelt HR generalist so you can entertain yourselves mocking other peoples’ Meyers-Brigg personality inventories. (I’m an ENTJ; before Smurfette explained Meyers-Brigg to me, I just thought I was a controlling bastard.)

    Cats, HR and sharing about myself. That should definitely be worth a signed book.

  1486. Yay ! and congrats to you 🙂 Hoping to make it to SanFran to get a copy signed…. Thanks for keeping me entertained, love your posts.

  1487. I can’t wait to read this book and can’t wait to meet you. I’ve only been reading your blog for a couple of months but I love it!!

  1489. I’m in agony waiting for this book. I ordered 3 of them as soon as they came out for pre-order. I’ve already realized that’s not nearly enough copies.

  1490. Love you and Beyonce! Hope I win your book! If not I’ll just go buy it 🙂

  1491. I remember feeling exactly the same way when my copies of my own book showed up. I sat on my living room floor and petted them for about an hour, in between phone calls to my writer friends. Who laughed at me. A lot. I laughed with them, because it was all just so awesome.

    Congratulations, dear! Well done!

  1492. I’m a new reader to your site… and OMG you’ve changed my life. You are an inspiration and an amazing source of entertainment.

  1493. I am from Taiwan and i absolutely love you, I’ve preordered your book on amazon and can’t wait to read it!!!
    Congratulations!!! Have a great tour!!!

  1498. Congrats! I can’t wait to read it. I’ve been hooked ever since the big metal chicken blog post.
    On a side note: is that your cat’s ass in the photo?

  1499. Come to Pittsburgh, PA! We have….uhm…we have lots of stuff! Museums! And a conservatory full of pretty plants! And also huge sammiches with coleslaw and fries IN them. Also we have an Aviary, and my friend works there..and there are penguins. ADORABLE PENGUINS.

    I havent been able to preorder a copy, but my birthday is in a few days, so Im hoping a family member will notice it and surprise me with their awesome choice in birthday tribute.

  1501. Congratulations Jenny — what a tremendous accomplishment. Here’s hoping when you are in LA/San Fran you are able to fit in a visit to Vancouver.

    Best,
    Christine

  1503. SOOO excited to get your book! Wish you were coming to the East Coast! Maybe after you do your western book tour?

  1505. How exciting! I can’t wait to read your book when it comes out next month. 🙂

  1508. No, seriously. NJ is awesome. And we shall greet you with love and yummy food.. AND ALL THE ALCOHOL YOU CAN DRINK!!!

  1510. ok, looks like I’m going to finish your book tonight (advance copy) and I feel like CRYING!!! Should I stab myself in the neck before I get to the last word, so I can go out laughing? When I’ve finished and crafted a brilliant enough RAVE review I will post on my blog, tweet, fb, blah blah blah. You are a GENIUS! And you obviously now have no problem in the friend department anymore! (I was so shy and anxious as a child that when I met new people I had a hard time not peeing my pants…not hysterical enough to put in a book)
    PS: You are a f*cin’ GENIUS! ok, I said that already….

  1511. No Denver on the list? We have LOTS of great antique taxidermied stuff here. I bet you could get a whole suitcase full of fun furry little creatures. Victor would be thrilled!

  1512. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy aren’t you coming to boston?!?! i think to make up for it you should “randomly” choose me to be the “random” winner.

  1515. i am leaving a comment in hopes that you will pick me for the autographed copy of your new book about HR. I worked in the HR dept for 17 years … I laughed so hard that my mascara came off.

    Congratulations on your book! I just sent your blog link about your HR experiences to my co-workers in my last job…

    Best
    ~B

  1517. I want the cat butt…but I’ll take the book as a consolation prize. 🙂

  1518. This is awesome!! Think you could squeeze in a trip to Hawaii to sign my copy? Or you could pick me and still come to Hawaii. Either way works.

  1521. I’m not posting to try to win (I never win anything anyway) but to tell you (1) LOVE! and (2) I pre-ordered your book earlier this week.

    Keep on being you, because we think you’re awesome. Unless you suddenly know how to be someone else. Then you should take full advantage of that capability as needed, and maybe teach me how to do it… but then come back to being you because we’d miss you. <3

  1522. I have recently started following your blog. I love your blog. I laughed my butt off when I read your post that was linked from another post that I had read about the “at least it isn’t towels” fiasco. It was about 3 or 4 AM when I was reading that and was trying to not wake my husband up in the next room from all my laughing. I was hooked. I have been following you ever since and will be purchasing your book as soon as it is available! I love your humor. It sounds like exactly like conversations between my husband and our friends. Can not wait to read the book!

  1523. Woo Hoo! I hope I can make it to the San Francisco tour. Crossing my fingers for some randomness to come my way!

  1524. Come to Portland, Oregon! I will let you wear my fake fur jackalope costume (complete with real antlers, and pink palms) and we can go foraging at the food carts.

  1525. Wooo! I wish I could make it to any of the locations, but since I’m hundreds of miles from the nearest one, I’ll console myself with your book. Or audiobook. Whichever I get my hands on first.

  1526. 1. CONGRATULATIONS!THAT’SSOEXCITING!!!
    2. I’m upset you’re not coming to Seattle.
    3. I am really excited to read your book – and if I were reading one that you had singed, that would make it like, 100X better 🙂

  1529. I want to join the “Come to North Carolina!” chorus in the hopes that you will add a date for us. The Regulator Bookshop in Durham would be good, but I’m not too picky. <3

    I just want to collate papers with you, and (as a teacher) I have plenty of papers to collate so I can even bring my own. There will be twine!

  1531. Congratulations, I cannot wait until it is out so I can read it.

    Also, wish the tour was coming to Toronto.

  1533. Holy hairy douche nozzles batman! That’s so exciting! Congratulations!
    Dang! I needed a new cat butt! No, not really I have 3 cats who seem to think I love their arses in my face.
    Oh, and come to Australia! I’ll even send you a picture of a kangaroo holding twine as encouragement.

  1534. I am buying the hard copy and will read the Kindle version so I can pass the hard copy around to my friends. Book piracy, I know. I think we may have a book-club-esque meeting to discuss the depths of your hilariousness! Love you an wish you lots of success!

  1535. Woooo how exciting! I would LOVE to win this and bring you all the way to Australia even if not in human form at least book form!

  1538. You need to come to Phoenix!!! But not in the summer. It’s like the pits of hell in the summer.

  1539. Quiet down there with all your screaming you are going to wake my children. 🙂
    What? You are not coming to Seattle?? Congratulations on the book, I can’t wait to read it.

  1540. What?!!!! Your tour doesn’t encompass Tawa, New Zealand? You are so going to regret missing out on a guided visit to the Tawa Metal Chicken Museum (a.k.a. my backyard). Well done, you, for getting your book out there. I know it’s going to be fabulous.

  1541. After one billion comments I still opt to post one. WOW you got a lot of people who want your book and too cheap to hand out the cold hard cash to get one. .Count me as a cheapo. .its okay. Good Luck with your travels still think you should pick some small KS town and give half the people a heartatack. Cause I need a job and that would clear a lot up ..

  1542. Today I had to spend the day at the job I got fired from and all my old coworkers would greet me with “HEY!! You’re back! I’m so glad you’re back” then try to awkwardly laugh it off when I said I was not back. I could use a laugh.

  1543. sooo awesome! good luck with your tour! I know that’s gonna be tough but we’re all cheering you on!

  1546. Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! I’ll be your best friend! Hell, I’d do that anyway! If I win I can give away the copy I ordered. No Boston stop on the tour? 🙁

  1547. I would be FREAKIN…OUY…TOOO!!!!!!!! Like the same as if I won a copy of the fab book!!!

  1548. I wish you were coming to Memphis. I know some really great bathrooms to hide out in.

  1549. pick me. pick me. pick me. pick me. pick me. pick me. pick me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1550. Hi there,
    If by some strange reason, you pick this e-mail, pick another one. I am going to try to come and see you in Dallas and give you CASH!!!!!!!!!! for a book and this is how it should be. You don’t charge for all of the hillarious shit you write on your blog, don’t screw up my chance to say thanks with a check.
    Dave

    P.S. Glad you came out of your bathroom and hang in there on your tour. If that black depression motherfucker jumps on you while you are up here, you can hide out at our house. My bathroom has Wi-Fi! And Cable!

  1551. This is awesome! I can’t wait until it gets to my store so I can make a display (I work in a B&N), if there isn’t one already. Also, having an autographed one would be fabulous!

  1552. Congratulations, Jenny. It’s wonderful to see a dream realized.

    All the best,
    Stephanie

  1553. I can’t wait till my book gets here! 😀 All the way up in Canada.

    Come and visit us sometime. We’re cool. Well… at least, we usually are.

  1554. Cannot wait to see the Amazon package on my doorstep! Congratulations, you rock!

  1555. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I am going to try to come see you in San Francisco!!! Really you should come down to Santa Cruz because we’re weird here and metal chickens and taxidermy are like No Big Thing, but I realize it’s probably more realistic for me to go see you than for you to come see me.

    Cuz you’re like famous and shit now.

  1556. HOLY. SHITBALLS. You’ll be in my city on my birthday, but I’ve already got plans that night. I COULD FREAKING CRY.

  1557. I would definitely travel to hear you speak if you went to Portland or to Seattle. I’m hopeful. Especially as otherwise I will have to wait 10 more years until you’re done your second book to hear you speak.

    Maybe your publisher will be convinced that you should travel to Canada! I can be hopeful for that!

    The awesome part is that I have amazon gift cards. I just have to wait until the husband picks a book that he wants and then we can place our order.

  1558. Congrats! Although I wish the cat butt (and possibly the rest of said kitty) were included in the prize, a book with a chapter that centers heavily around asking men ‘Is this your penis?” will more than suffice.

  1559. you really should swing on by portland, oregon. we love you here! come to powell’s books- the largest independent new and used bookstore in the world. it’s amazing.

  1561. You should bring your freakout roadtour to DC! We have all manner of weirdos here, so you’d be in good company.

  1562. i want a copy. i deserve it because i’ve never sent a picture of a penis to anyone i work with.

  1563. Pick me! Pick me!!!!!!! I love you ssoooo much! I drive my roomie insane talking about you all the time! Oh and please please add Las Vegas to your tour date!

  1564. Jenny! Just finished an advanced copy of your book that my boss gave me because you will be gracing us with your presence in Dallas. I work at the store you’re visiting and I can not wait to meet you. Love the book it had me in tears from laughing.

  1565. But cat butt! I totally wanted the cat butt! It’s like icing on a cake. *sigh* Oh well. I like a good book 🙂 If I were to “win” I’d have the book in hardcover, eBook (it’s preordered!) and audiobook! I would have NO excuse to be reading it all the time. Except that people would look at me like I was a crazy person from all the crying/laughing I’d be doing! Eh, sounds like a good time to me!

  1567. will you come to Louisville if we change the name to san Louisville? i need that book!

  1568. Loved the sample chapter! Counting down the days until I can read the rest!

  1569. I won’t ask you to come to Buffalo NY… you shouldn’t be punished for your accomplishment.

    Winning an autographed copy would be more exciting than finding out zombies poop!

  1571. Congrats on the book – I’d love a copy! Got plenty of cat butt here already so I don’t need another.

  1572. Doesn’t Ferris Mewler’s tail count as part of the deal?????

    I’m in! And Annapolis, Maryland wants you, too!

  1573. I was born with one name and then later on my stepdad give me his… kinda like yours. Lawson. Turns out the dude was a major idiot, got arrested a coupla times trying to be a super criminal – hostages and international jewel thief extraordinaré he was not. Anyways later on I decided I wasn’t his ‘son’ so I clipped that bit off my name. Now I’m just Damon Law. I like your writing. it’s fun to read. Thanks for writing stuff I like to read.

  1574. Me please!!! You are awesome. Beyonce made my mother in law cry and laugh at the same time. It was awesome.

  1575. I just read the book excerpt out to my Boy; we howled. Congrats on the book 🙂

  1576. Darn it! You’re not coming near me… Sad day! Maybe some other time I could hit up a bathroom and find you there! :0) **HERE’S TO HOPING WITH COSMIC AND KARMIC ENERGY!** Can’t wait to receive my book!

  1578. Congrats.. this is such exciting news… 🙂 screaming along with you in excitement from the Arctic Circle!! 🙂 Sarah

  1579. Come to Denver – or even better Boulder – and I’ll be there! I love you. Can’t wait for the book. Don’t want the cat butt – have my own. xo

  1581. OHMYGODIAMSOEXCITEDTOREADYOURBOOK! You have cracked me & my sister up countless times after our kiddos have gone to bed. You’ve helped preserve what little sanity we managed to carry into our adult years. I cannot prove this scientifically, nor can I indicate that it is a large amount of sanity in question, but regardless of that, I thank you. 🙂

  1583. Yay!!! CONGRATULTIONS! COME TO WACO, TEXAS :). Bring your metal chicken too!

  1587. Your book is on the top of my birthday wish list for April. You are special, don’t forget that.

  1589. I’m so excited about receiving your book soon that i don’t even mind that you won’t share your cat butt with me. Besides, I already have two of my own.

  1591. Bought the nookbook and a hard copy (for my bookplate). An autographed copy? I’d hit the trifecta, my friend. See you in Dallas, the 26th! So crazy happy for you!!!

  1592. LOL, San Angelo is a random one thrown in there with the mix. I’m from there, but I live in Austin now. Also…please please please pick me!

  1595. Nooooooooooooo! I currently reside in Baltimore, and the closest you’ll be is New York! However, I grew up in San Antonio, and was born in Conroe, so perhaps I can use this as an excuse to “go visit family” and consequently see you on tour? Good excuse… I like this reasoning… I’ll leave this out of the conversation when explaining to my family why I suddenly decided to visit after describing how I can’t visit on a student’s budget and all that BS…

    By the way, this if the first time I have commented on any of your posts after 1+ years of lurking… and have ordered your book and registered for the special signed bookplate… and am now coming out of my creepy, lurky shell to officially put myself in the pot for a bonafide autographed book!

  1596. Pretty please pick me? It would mean ever so much. …Says the commenter to the random number generator. 🙂

  1598. Can’t wait for the book! And I may just skip work (who needs it anyway) and head into NYC on the 17th 🙂

  1603. Please, please come to Kansas City! I would love to come to one of your signings!

  1604. I’ve already pre-ordered the book and signed up for my snazzy bookplate. I’m content. Just posting to geek out with you and wish everyone good luck.

    Also, there is a Swap-o-Rama (yes, I just wrote that) near my work and their mascot is a rooster who could be a good buddy for Beyonce… Trying to get a picture for you. It’s got to be about 5 feet tall and strapped to the top of a semi trailer. Which makes it even more classy.

  1607. I’m assuming that because you’re not coming to Boston, you want me to come to you? Thank you for the invitation. You’re too kind. You shouldn’t have. OK, well, if you insist …

  1610. This makes me SO HAPPY! I can’t wait to read it, and I promise, if you plan Seattle as one of your book tour stops, I will come. You are my Wil Wheaton, Bloggess!

  1611. You have a cat butt? I thought only cat’s had cat butt’s. Plot thickens… Looking forward to reading your book!

  1612. Corte Madera is even closer than San Francisco! I think i may have to make the trek!!

  1613. Well, I’m already buying your book _and_ I filled out the form for one of those bookplates that nearly made your fingers fall off from signing, but what the hell, I should really round out my collection with the audiobook too, so here’s my entry.

    It’s a pity that you’re coming nowhere close to me, because I’d love to shout “Hello” at you through some bathroom door. 🙂 Or, y’know, say it politely to your face after standing in line for a couple of hours at Quail Corners bookstore (where most signings around here seem to take place) waiting to get to the table where you were sitting.

  1615. Please, please, please come to Kansas! It’s so very close to Texas and I’ll bring you something weirdly taxidermied (note to self, start scouring obscure stores for weird crap).

    As a proud “pre-orderer”, if I should be selected as the most honored winner of your book and audiobook, I will use them as brand ambassadors to spread the gift of you. Uh, that sounds much dirty than I intended. Just know that I definitely won’t just put them in my drawers (or in Will Wheaton’s drawers either).

  1616. If you would come to Portland, OR, I would line UP to see you. And I’m a lurker unlurking on this comment, so Oh, Random Generator of the Great & Hilarious Bloggess, pick me, Pick Me, PICK ME for the autographed book. Please?

  1617. Awwww. I just moved from Houston a few months ago. So sad!!! You coming to the Midwest anytime soon?? We have hayrides. 🙂

  1618. I haven’t bought a non-Kindle book in two years, but I’m getting yours in hardback. Congratulations on years of work paying off (both literally and figuratively, I hope)!

  1619. Please come to D.C.!!!!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!! I promise to stop using too many exclamation points as soon as you agree to come to D.C. 🙂

  1620. I’m a lurker who is unlurking for this post. Oh Great Random Generator of the Hilarious & Fabulous Bloggess, please pick me (Pick Me! PICK ME!) for the autographed book. And if you would only come to Portland, OR, I would totally see you.

  1624. OMG! You are coming to Dallas!!! I’ll be there for sure! You are one amazing lady and I can’t wait to shake your hand!

  1626. So excited for you and to read your book! I thought the excerpt was AWESOME!!!

  1627. Congratulations! I am so excited to meet you in Corte Madera. And thank you in advance for scheduling that on a day when I don’t have to work. It was extremely thoughtful of ya!

  1628. I’d come on your tour if you were coming to Philadelphia. But since you’re not, and since I’m a poor poor person who’s missing your LA tour date by a week and is being forced to WORK while you’re in New York, I think I deserve a book.

    Or not. I’ll eat ramen for a few days just to read more of your stuff, because it’s just that fantastic.

  1629. Wow Jenny! So proud of you and what you’ve been able to do. Don’t worry with the decade timeline. I was on the 7 year bachelor plan at OU. Sometimes it takes a little time. I hope you’re on Audible. Are you reading the book? Cause that would be even awesomer! I really want a signed book from you even if I have to pay for it! I’ll also probably own it on my kindle too. Jenny on my nightstand… Jenny on my Kindle, Jenny on my iPhone. Girl you’re gonna be everywhere!

  1630. Cool! Do I get the cats ass too? But really, I think you should keep it all together, since I’m sure it’s part of a set….

  1633. I am so sad that you’re not coming to Seattle. But I’m very excited about your book!

  1635. Congratulations! I can’t wait to meet you in Corte Madera. And thanks in advance for scheduling that on a day I don’t work. You’re the best. Super thoughtful of you!

  1637. If I wish hard enough for Seattle/Tacoma, will it come true? Congratulations on your book.

  1641. First… it took freaking forever to scroll past 3k+ comments to post this.

    Second… I predict I will be picked for the autographed copy. By predicting this, if picked, I will appear to be awesomely, freakishly psychic. If not picked… well, it is almost 3500 comments in… chances are no one will notice that I awesomely failed to predict it correctly.

    Third, Jen, you are awesome and I am starting to plan which of your Texas book tour sites I can drive to from Abilene. 🙂

  1643. So this is a little off topic… but I love the variation in cartoons of you! It makes me think that each artist sees you just a little differently. Like when you and Victor argued over the emotional state of the girl standing on a tight rope over croc infested waters. Can’t wait to see you in Dallas.

  1645. Jenny, congratulations on being a published author and with your usual wit and style!! Love your site, so I know it’ll be a great book, too! 🙂

  1649. What? No Cape Town? It’s at the bottom end of Africa and you have a whole lot of fans here. You would like it!

  1650. Im so excited for you! And also for me when I *hopefully* receive your autographed book and audiobook! 🙂

  1651. First of all I love all of your posts, I think you’re hysterical; and second of all, I am definitely contemplating blowing off work to come to your book signing… Thanks for all of the posts that make me smile even on really bad, depression is an asshole days! 🙂

  1656. Your HR excerpt had me falling on the floor with laughter! Congratulations on a decade of persistence and patience even though it probably didn’t feel like either of those things along the way.

    Your blog has taught me a whole lot – in fact, I’m pretty sure you and I live in different universes (is that even a word? you know, more than one universe).

    Wish Seattle was on your tour list!

  1658. If you don’t come to Powell’s in Portland, you aren’t a real author and this is not a real book.

    The fact that I live in Portland has absolutely nothing to do with the above.

    It’s only the world’s biggest bookstore and a true mandatory stop on every national book tour.

    Which happens to be about 15 minutes drive from where I am typing this. (In my home, stalker).

    I will be happy to accept your autographed copy IN PERSON, when you speak at Powell’s.

    In Portland.

    And YOU CAN PUT A FRIGGIN’ BIRD ON IT!!

  1659. I’m thinking I’m going to come see you, just so that I can ask you if this is really your penis! 🙂 Very exciting.

  1660. So happy for you Jen. You deserve this in a big way (if only for the smiles you have given to so many).

    I’m happy you are keeping the cat’s butt too.

  1661. I’m so excited for you!!! And for us!! I really hope you make it to Seattle for book signing!

  1663. Gah! I cannot wait to read this! I would love to meet you, please please please come closer to Cleveland. (Damn, I promised myself I wouldn’t beg, oh well)

  1665. Thank you for making me laugh and realize we are all connected…somehow. Hope you make it to the cold, snowy, dark, Pacific Northwest!

  1666. That is awesome! Congrats, and remember, you can geek out as much as you like BECAUSE YOU WROTE A BOOK!!

  1667. It’s 2am and I’m in the guest room with a croupy 2 year old sleeping fitfully on my tummy, and I think I just heard another telltale seal cough coming from my 4 year old sleeping down the hall, but I’m still giddy because I can’t wait to get your book! I preordered it months ago, but I wish I’d known about the audiobook (read by you!! ) before I ordered the print copy. The biggest stretches of free time I have are in the car, shuttling between drs appointments, playdates, the grocery store, and school, and audiobooks have been my favorite indulgence!

  1668. April 19th, my ass is so going to be there. :3 I will bravely face the chaos of Los Angeles traffic for this. Even if a few homeless people get in the way of my car again…

  1669. I literally came across your blog just this morning, and I don’t know if it’s the cold medicine or my own sense of humor, but I’m endlessly tickled by your entries. I find myself wanting to write entries in something akin to your “writing voice” but end up laughing instead. There can be only one you, for which I’m very grateful. To have found you. Grats on the book, and I’m hoping to afford it soon! And yes, come to Portland!

  1670. You need to come to Spokane, or Seattle. I’d be happy with either and will attend either!

  1672. Ms. Bloggess, I really wish I could come see you on the book tour. You are incredibly awesome, and I really really want to meet you. But between social anxiety and a lack of money, there is no way I can make it. I hope you have a fabulous time, though. And don’t freak out too much!

  1673. Philadelphia loves books and writers – and we have some wonderful taxidermy shops we can show you around! The Amish are pretty good at stuffing dead critters – and think of all the cute costumes you could pick up too.

  1674. We NEEEEEEEEEEEEED you to add Wellington, New Zealand to your tour!!! Seriously, we’ve got tropical weather, stunning scenery, large cocktails, and HOBBITS. I’m sure we can taxidermy one if you’re really keen.

    (Okay, so I lied about the tropical weather. But the hobbits are for real.)

  1675. San Diego should get you! San Francisco is already spoiled enough. 🙂 Congratulations on your book!!!

  1677. I am about to start renos again. If I won your book, that would save me a lot of trouble. I would have something better to do! And the audiobook would save me the trouble of reading it aloud to my dyslexic husband. (I have to go back to the beginning of your posts half-way through because I need to read it to him because I’m laughing too much.) Your HR excerpt had me crying with laughter – both times! Pretty please? I don’t get to have an autographed book plate because I’m north of the border, so an autographed book to have my friends be envious of and come over to read with me with copious amounts of wine slushies would be more than double-horned sparkly unicorn fabulous.

  1678. I agree about the NZ thing but come to Hamilton, the NZ capital of sifilis. Or if you’re really awesome, come to Te Awamutu. You can stay at my house 🙂 (I’ll get my parents drunk and tell them you’re my auntie)

  1679. Me! Me! Pick me! Free stuff makes me feel like a temporary winner. Ooh! Ooh! Pick Me!

  1681. No Phoenix tour? C’mon, was your layover in AZ so bad you had to boycott us from your book tour? I think I will cry now… I really need your book to cheer me up, and to make up for you leaving Phoenix, AZ out of the book tour…

    Pretty please, with sugar on top? and a cherry? and a robo-cheetah chasing a giant metal Beyonce?

    Whatdaya say??? **batting eyelashes**

  1684. I am INSANELY excited for this book to come out!!!
    And for the book tour, which I am definitely going to!! (and dragging my sister along, if possible).

    Jenny Lawson, you are one of my favorite people ever.

  1685. Hoooooooly fucking hell batman! I am so going to your San Fran tour stop!!! I’ll be the crazy one with a taxidermy picture for you to autograph 😀

  1686. The chances of winning this are SO SLIM at this point; this is a prize everyone wants. 😉 Congratulations! I’m going to be picking this up ASAP for sure.

  1689. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!!!!! (translated that means HOLY SHIT!!!!)
    Does the cat’s tail come with it, too? Way cool, Jenny!!!!

  1690. I’d love a copy of your book. I’d also like to come see you, but SF is the closest place you’ll be and that’s still well over 1,000 miles from me, so I can’t.

  1692. That is amazing and wonderful and now you’ll have to go to, like, every city in the world so no one feels left out. 🙂 J/k, of course (as long as you come to my city).

    You will be amazing.

  1695. I am dissapointed by the the fact that I am unable to receive cat-butt, greatly. But fun fact: you have fans in South Africa too.

  1696. I’ve only recently been informed that you exist.

    I find you delightful.

    Your writing reminds me a lot of me. Meaning you are frickin’ hilarious and also quite witty.

    I’d like to win your book. (it’s too soon in our relationship to be using the L-word. lets not rush things)

    To sweeten the deal, I will autograph something and send it to you if you pick me.

    (Are you intrigued? Hmmmm?)

  1698. That is great to hear! However I live in Denmark which I think is a little too far away for you to come and sign. However it isn’t too far away to get the book you mentioned. =)

  1699. I’m going to make my sister come with me to the San Francisco signing. We are HUGE fans and we might even dress up like you. You know, confidence wig and large bottle of Xanax…

    Okay, actually? I have nearly just as much anxiety as you do, so I’ll probably end up hiding in the bathroom with my Ativan (yeah, my drug isn’t as cool as yours, but it does the job), and sending my sister to get your autograph for me.

  1700. Yours is probably the only memoir I would ever read. Wooo!Q!!!! You’re getting published!!!!!!!!!

  1702. Wow this is a lot of comments!! I fully intend to pre-order your book (this will be the first book I have ever pre-ordered) as soon as I get paid.
    Also have you ever considered coming to New Zealand? I would like to volunteer my tour-guiding services. I’ll probably get us lost but at least it would be entertaining 🙂

  1703. I look forward to reading your book at some point when we aren’t broke. Which is most likely my fault, because I buy crap to craft with that I don’t really need.

  1705. Wish I still lived near San Francisco so I could see you in person. Are you going to do radio interviews too? I can tune in to KQED over the Internets. Best of luck! You are so brave!

  1706. I have never ordered a blogger’s book. This will be the first. Unless you give it to me. Either way, you are welcome to my blog-book virginity. Congrats.

  1707. I am really looking forward to read your book. I wonder if it will be available in germany. Thanks for your funny innsights.

  1708. And here I was, all excited to get a fuzzy cat butt in the mail. Damn.

    Still, I’m excited for you, and I’m looking forward to reading your masterpiece!

  1710. Congratulations on your book, audiobook and tour! The cats and I are eagerly anticipating our preordered copy.

  1711. I couldn’t stop laughing the the “if my vagina needed a mugshot” story. I would really love to win your book even though I’m going to buy it as soon as it hits the shelves…maybe even before the poor stock person has it hits the shelf. Also I never win anything, but I won tickets to the Hunger Games advanced screening. Awesome right? I had to give them up cause my husband’s college math final was at the exact same time and no babysitter=no movie. NOOO! So, that is why I must needs the book. To cheer me up, ya know? Also I might frame the vagina quote. Put in the bathroom maybe.

  1712. I would give the autographed copy of your book to a friend of mine, who totally loves you! I have a much milder case of Bloggess Obsession, so, I can wait until it arrives in stores to get my fix.
    So excited for you, and I have learned not to read anything by you when I am drinking a soda; clean up is a bit of a pain! 😉

  1714. I just got really excited because I saw my best friend had commented and apparently had a blog I’d never heard of about books! And then I realised there’s more than one Amy Smith in the world.
    If you make it as far as Australia I would fly over from New Zealand just to be there.

  1715. I fully intend to buy a copy, but a free extra copy could be gifted without going through the careful pre-reading with white gloves stage… I hate that part…

  1717. I would love to invite you to Raleigh NC . You could do a book signing at Ornamentea downtown. It’s the best bead/unusual art supply store ever and the owner Cynthia loves you too. That is how I found out about your blog. We could have a girls night of wine and make you crazy jewelry with all your stuffed dead friend’s pictures in them. Can’t wait for the book!!!!!

  1718. If you decide purely on the spur of the moment to include Taipei, Taiwan, on your tour, I will SO TOTALLY be there! And I’ll bring people to fawn over you. AND cupcakes! With fairy dust sprinkled on them…or maybe just sprinkles…I’ll have to check my local baking supply store for fairy dust, but I would even special order it…just for YOU.

  1720. i wish you were coming down under. :(. I’d so go to that! He’ll, I’d even offer to put you up in my spare room.

  1721. What???? You’re coming to San Angelo? No one ever comes to San Angelo! This is awesome. Can’t wait!!!!

  1725. When I win, can you not only sign the cover, but also kiss it wearing lipstick?
    Thanks 🙂

  1726. Jenny, Australia is not on this book tour – I think we should change that.

    And I’d LOVE to win a copy of your book.

  1727. Congrats!!! Know what would be even better than your book coming out? Chicago being on your tour! Come? Pretty please?

  1728. Wahey!

    If the tour ever goes international, I’ll travel anywhere in Scotland or the north of England to see you 🙂

  1731. Totally warranted use of capital letters. Congrats on the book, and on the tour! I look forward to hearing some great dressing-room demands from the tour. Not that typical book tours would have a dressing room provided, per se. Still, having been an avid reader for awhile, I doubt that would stop you.

    Wish you were coming to NC! *fingers crossed for the giveaway*

  1735. Just came back to watch the video again. Yup – still funny. Unrelated: Will the old paper dolls still be available as you get new ones? Wouldn’t want to ruin mine and then suddenly be Beyonce-less till the end of time.

  1739. Now one of my favorite pastimes is to go shopping with a like-minded girlfriend looking for big metal chickens. So far we have found smallish and small-medium.

  1741. I’m really hoping that karma works its magic here. You see, I practiced the art of selflessness and pre-ordered your book and audio book as a gift for my bestest friend. It’s shipping directly to her which is thousands of miles away from me. I would love to win, but if i don’t I’m going to go buy my own copy anyway then we can have a read along and discuss your supreme awesomeness. Congrats on the book!

  1743. Hi Jenny! I recently discovered your blog thanks to my sister, and you always make me laugh! I don’t know if you’ll ship to Canada, but if so, I would love to have a copy of your book!

  1750. Don’t forget to take May 12th off from the book tour to catch the art car parade.
    I’m still trying to find a ‘Juanita the Weasel’ to glue on my car. May have to settle
    for just the Martin VB the VSDuck .

  1751. WHAT? No DC? The capitol of the country? Really! I knew I should have never left Austin.

  1755. YOU NEED TO COME TO DC! We are nice & won’t talk about politics at all… well, maybe a little, but only about laws that have to do with taxidermy and Unicorns.

  1756. This is another vote for come to Cincinnati!!! Not everyone in Ohio is a crazy, conservative-nut, serial killer….well, at least I’m not!! Plus, I want a picture of you with my Beyonce AND twine WHILE collating paper, so you must come closer!!! Pretty please??!!

  1758. There’s more to the east coast than New York! But you knew that. Good luck with the tour! You’ll be great.

  1759. Oh, man! I really wish I could afford your book! I’d LOVE to read it! Sad you’re not coming out to Kansas City, Missouri, though.

  1760. I don’t suppose that your booktour brings you anywhere near Denmark (where I live) but I will buy your book instead and undoubtedly enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy reading your blog 🙂

    You are really, really funny – and these are big words, coming from a Dane with the darkest sense of humour known to Man…. 😉

  1761. Hey! We are feeling slighted up in the Boston area!!!! We need you Jenny Lawson!!!!

  1762. I would love to win! I just saw your book advertised on boing boing and the excerpt was hilarious!

  1763. Congrats! Well I was going to leave it at that because what else can be said about something sofreakingawesome? However, Chicken Joe is insisting that I also ask if Beyonce will be on tour as well. I know, its a bit offputting that he is more interested in your chicken than in the absolutelyamazing book that you have out…and, oh yes, he says she can come sleep in the chateau de poulet with him. We are sad you are not coming nearby. Maybe you should rethink? We have loads of odd taxidermy stuff nearby and this weekend we just saw the world’s largest underpants, now how can you stand to miss that? Well even if you do, congratulations again!

  1765. There seems to be a mistake.., cannot see Australia there? Why don’t you hook up with Ree and do the Mega-Southern-Bloggers tour? Heh.
    🙂
    BB

  1767. OMG – that’s so unbelieveably exciting – I pre-ordered mine – just found my receipt and CAN’T wait for Amazon to ship it out next month. YAYYYY!. But I’m sad that your tour is so limited….perhaps if we passed around a hat we could fund your trip up across the border to at least Niagara Falls, ON for us Canadians out there!!!

  1769. I cant wait for your book to come out, the little bit you have posted made me laugh for days. When you become a big famous writter put New Mexico on your list for book signings…….PLEASE.

  1771. Fuckin’ A! You are living my dream and I love you for it. Screaming is always ok when it involves any dream. I’m happy for you and I look forward to reading your book.

  1772. Is that San Angelo, Texas? That list of cities is like a game of “which one doesn’t fit?” New York, San Francisco, Houston, and…San Angelo?

    Anyway, lucky for them! Congrats on the book!

  1773. You know, Boston is not that far from Texas. I think. I was never good at geography.
    Stop here on your book tour!

  1774. Why oh why are you not coming to Virginia? And, also, audio of your book is a must buy on my list of spending. Yay! Congrats on all of the success, you truly deserve it!

  1775. I’ve ordered the kindle version because I suspect I’ll be in Japan when it arrives! But if I am in NY I’ll totally be at the signing. Amazing!

  1779. Calgary welcomes you with open arms! We’ve got all kinds of taxidermied shit up in here!

  1780. Wow!!! Less than a month until we get to read the awesomeness you have written. Can’t wait!!

  1781. You should come visit Raleigh. Or Durham or Chapel Hill, but mainly Raleigh. And come be a special guest of the Carolina Rollergirls at practice. Many of us are HUGE fans of yours!

  1782. Congratulations! I’m squealing with excitement for you. Can’t wait to get a copy for myself.

  1784. You. I love you. AND I’M SO THINKING HAPPY FOR YOU! And for myself. Because I get to read/listen to you in April. 😀

  1785. Yeah, if you come anywhere NEAR where I live…I’ll be standing in line!

  1786. Three comments:
    1. Congratulations on your book!
    2. It made me laugh to think about you signing an audio book because I just thought about it in the context of downloading the files. “How is she going to autograph a file that I download from the internet?”
    3. Why are you stopping in San Angelo? I lived there and I loved it, but why San Angelo?

  1787. I already preordered your book. And nameplate. But, I’m willing to give said book to a friend in order to have an actual autograph in book. And audio? Yeah, I totally know a blind person! 😉

  1788. Yet another reason for me to be sad about not living in San Antonio anymore. If you make it to Minnesota, though, I am so there! Congratulations on the book!

  1789. HOORAY! Can’t WAIT to get my Kindle version. Please come to Seattle? Please?

  1791. CANT WAIT FOR YOUR BOOK!!! Please come to Kansas! I know we have a totally boring rap but we might be able to get Kirstie Alley holding twine.

  1792. Congratulations… I’m so excited for you! I also think you need to add Atlanta to your book tour!

  1793. Can I just say that I fucking love that the last stop on your illustrious tour is San Angelo? (which really makes sense, but still…) Now I have a difficult choice to make: come see you in my stomping ground (ATX) or my hometown? Many congrats on the book–can’t wait to read the whole thing!!

  1795. Very much looking forward to getting hold of a copy of your book. You’re writing always leaves me in stiches.

  1796. Well I am coming in somewhere in the 3500 range so who knows if I even have chance…but I am surely gonna try! I am so looking forward to this and can’t wait to read it.

  1797. I foresee a lot of spatulas in your future. Really big ones since you’re going to Texas. Hopefully you will get closer to Ohio. I would bake cookies! 😀

  1798. Gah! Noticed as I hit submit that I wrote “you’re” instead of “your”. *embarrassed*

  1800. Can’t wait for your book! I was just commenting to my husband about how awesome it would be to listen to your audio CD on our road trip, but then noticed that it’s not released until April 17th, the day after we return from our trip. We’ll just have to plan another trip on the 17th then (I wish) 😀

  1801. Jenny, you are awesome! Congratulations on your book. You have every right to be shouting. I wish you could swing by West Michigan on your way to New York, I could take you to a metal chicken farm where you could buy friends for Beyonce in any size you’d like!

  1802. Well Well! Congratulations! I am so happy that I found your witty blog to give a jump to my crazy day!

    I check to see if you have any new blogs first thing in the morning at work, so I am here to thank you for saving my co-workers the wrath of me without my morning giggle!

    Your the pepperment to my morning tea…it just wouldn’t be the same with out you!
    So xoxoxo

  1803. Congrats on the book. Please come to Detroit. The economy is killing us here an we need you.
    You give me something to laugh about, despite the situation in everyday life.

  1804. Please come to Seattle or even better than Seattle is Olympia, much cooler people live in Olympia. You can stay with me if you want:) Or you can just make me win then I wouldn’t need (still want) you to come here. It’s up to you I support either one of these 2 choices. Thanks. Good glad that is settled.

  1806. Random selection attempt!!! Also, your book tour needs to land in Arizona.

  1807. Congratulations on your book, very exciting. Wondering how many years it will take for me to finish my book, however mine is about my lung transplant journey, not exactly a page turner. Hoping I have better odds winning your signed book than I did winning the HGTV dream home, which I didn’t by the way.

    Keep up the good work Jenny!

  1808. Congrats! I wish you were coming to Philly. It would be amazing to meet you in person.

  1811. The bustling metropolis of Cincinnati didn’t make your tour? Boo. You can make it up to me (and thus the entire city of Cincinnati) by randomly picking me for your autographed book.

  1812. Excerpt is so great I just pre-ordered the hardback! But a free copy would make a great gift, too.

    Love your blog, love you, keep up the fuckingfantastic work!

  1813. How about Pittsburgh? You know we have been voted year after year the best place to live in the US?

  1814. So thrilled for you, Jenny! And as a lowly Canadian, it is a royal pain in the arse to try to order in advance through your current retailers (I tried in vain yesterday). I either cannot or I am charged a small fortune in shipping. I would LOVE to get your free copies so I can just rest easy knowing I will have your book in hand for the coming summer weekends. And trust me, as your northern line of defence, you want us Canadians resting easy. Kudos, Jenny!

  1816. After 20 years in HR my coworker gave me a ‘be nice or i will stab you notebook”. Gosh this really uplevels the whole investigation intake process when you lay it on the conference table and go looking for your pen to take ytose notes…..

  1820. That is awesome. So happy for you! And you will do just fine on your tour. (I suggest having a designated booze slushie holder person, just to make sure you stay happy the whole time!)

  1823. My husband and I fight almost daily about who loves you more, me or him. I pre ordered a copy of your book, he’s trying to say it’s all his and that he’s not going to share. Would love to have an autographed copy of your book so I can taunt him! bwaaahaaahaahaa!

  1824. Seriously. New York isn’t even that far from DC and DC is after all the NATION’S CAPITAL!
    …just sayin….

  1825. Pick me! Even if I win, I’ll still buy a copy of your book and give it away as a present. To someone who wouldn’t have already bought the book for themselves.

  1826. Obviously I have to comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An autographed copy???? How freaking amazing is that?! Congrats to you Jenny. I can’t begin to imagine how excited you are. And you deserve that excitement!

  1830. Totally think we should be best friends. You are pretty awesome. I’d like to think I’m as cool as you but alas, I don’t have a book coming out next month. Congrats on the success! Keep up the fabulous work!

  1831. Maybe you could sign the books from the bathroom? But not the real bathroom, because that might be a bit weird. You could make a tardis like bathroom that goes on tour with you. That would be awesome. And people would queue up to meet you in the loo and it would feel like a more authentic meeting because it’s more *you*…. and you’ll have your own hiding place with all your “supplies” with you whenever you need them.

    And then maybe because this idea is so genius you’ll have much more fun touring and you’ll come to the UK!! Now that really would be awesome x

  1833. So excited for you! Wish you were coming to Baltimore or DC, I could handle a 3 hour drive, but New York is just too far for me to travel! I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog, and can’t wait to unlock the mysteries in your book! Dreams really do come true!!

  1835. Come to Salt Lake City! Ken Sanders book store. You’ll love it, and I’ll bring funeral potatoes!

  1836. With the amount of comments you have, I seriously doubt you will ever get to mine…but DAMN! No one EVER puts San Angelo on a book tour! I am quite frankly amazed! And regretting not moving back last year for the first time ever! I will have to bribe my mom to go and get a signed copy for me. Your humor will confuse her, so its win, win!

  1838. I wish you were coming to Cleveland….but I understand. So looking forward to the book!

  1839. OMG. I’m gonna be in Dallas April 26th. I hope I can come see you.
    I just ordered the book!

  1841. Yes, I would love to have a copy of your book! It sounds insane in the best of ways. I empathize muchly. 🙂

  1842. OOOOH. Pick me to win because I want your book like whoa but I lost my job last month and I’m not taking a crappy HR job since I’ve heard your horror stories but holding out for a writing job is making me super poor and unable to read things that aren’t blogs or library books.

    Also, come to Philadelphia. It’s like New York, except the people are less stabby and I’d bring cookies to your book signing. For real. I also might ask you to sign a photo of Matt Inman since I made him sign a photo of Wil Wheaton. (It will all make sense some day as a web of twine and signed photos.)

  1843. AAAHHHH!!!! I can’t wait to read your book, I’m so excited!!! The exert was fabulous. Couldn’t stop laughing. People in my office were discussing how to best use tranquilizers on me. 🙂

  1844. I wish you were coming to Salt Lake City, so I could meet you in person. Can’t wait to read your book!

  1846. Drat! If you were coming to Kansas City we would have BOTH the Jenny Lawson tour, AND the Titanic artifacts tour…AT THE SAME TIME. It would be awesome. But I’ll settle for carrying your book with me (hopefully a signed copy!) while I go through the Titanic artifacts exhibit.

  1847. I already ordered from amazon, but if I got another then I could surprise my friend with her very own copy!! We are proud members of the USC.

  1850. A friend recently put me on to your blog and I have to say, I haven’t laughed, squeaked, and shaken my head at my computer monitor this much….EVER. This site SOOO rocks. Gratz on the publication. Now you just have to get on some rooftop and dance neked while reciting snippets under a full moon. It’s your right.

  1852. After reading your excerpts regarding HR, there’s nothing in the world I want more than your book right now.

  1853. Why does everyone avoid the Twin Cities? We’re nice people! To make it up to us, I am happy to accept your autographed books on our behalf.

  1855. Oh, hell yes, I would like to be “randomly” chosen. Feel free to cheat if you’d like. Plus, you should come to Indianapolis with your book. If it’s good enough for the Super Bowl….

  1856. So excited! Dying to get on my Nook, but would love the autographed copy!!!

  1857. NOOO! I’M SO SAD! I have a medical appt. booked later on the day you’ll be in NY and I can’t change it! WHYYYYYY!?!?!!?
    Maybe I’ll make it… maybe I won’t go at all muahahahhaha!

  1858. I’m with the come to Canada crowd – no one will appreciate you like Canadians!!!

  1859. Oh man, I could not be more excited about your book coming out! Also, for your consideration, Arizona is relatively close to Texas and we also enjoy guns and showdowns… so it would be like you never left home. Also, I promise booze. Lots o’ booze!

  1860. Sadly I can’t see you in NYC because you are there on a Tuesday… sad… Can’t wait to read it tho!

  1861. Well right now I have a one in 3,838 chance of getting your autographed book. And it doesn’t look like anywhere in the Raleigh, NC area is scheduled for a signing. *sigh*

  1862. hope you have tons of fun on your book tour! Feel free to venture to Detroit, we’re good people and believe it or not, it’s not all ruins.

  1863. PICK ME!!!! I’m even coming to your Austin signing AND I already pre-ordered from Amazon. I’m THAT kind of friend.

  1865. I wanted to be comment number 3840 but I see csleh beat me to it. So I’m 3841 instead. Yay, go me!

    PS. I think Picador should add a London tour date too 🙂

  1866. So my IT guys (who are also paid to watch porn, and apparently a LOT of it) forwarded me the link to your book and blog…I squealed a little knowing someone has actually published our (HR Diva’s) plight. Well done. I’m making my employer pay for this book as part of my “educational” budget. Cheers!

  1868. Eeeeeee!!!! You’re coming to Austin!? I’m so there!! Also, I’m an HR nerd, so I loved the excerpt you posted the other day. HR is a weird job, but I love it.

  1870. Stupid internet. Relegated to 3842

    We should start a twitter storm to bring you to London. London NEEDS the Bloggess. Hey Picador you hear that!

  1873. I’m so hoping to be at your Austin book signing! My wife and I are having our own little first “edition” though, due on April 8th, so it depends on how sleep deprived I am. I may accidentally hand over a diaper to sign instead of your book, but it should at least be a clean diaper…

  1874. I’ve had your book pre-ordered since january…I can’t wait to get my hands on it and i’m clearing time in my schedule to read it!! I can’t wait…AHHHHH, with you were coming to minneapolis…

  1880. Congratulations Miss Bloggess, you deserve it. I am looking forward to your audio book. I am a mom, a wife, a student, blah blah; so my peace comes when I am driving 1.5 hours to or from work. I think I can get a whole lotta Bloggess during my commute. Peace and Happiness to you

  1881. I love your blog, and would love to have your book. But in all actuality, a close friend of mine is who introduced me to your blog some time ago. She is a huge fan, and I would likely give the autographed book to her. For it would make her “Squee!”. 🙂

  1882. I want your book and I cannot lie! I’d also like to win this copy so I can give one to my cousin too. She’s awesome.
    We’d love to have you in Denver! We have a big, blue, creepy horse statue at our airport that rivals Beyonce…or could be her BFF or whatever.

  1884. I wish you were coming to Boston! I don’t know if I can swing NYC. Really looking forward to your book!

  1885. No one comes to Missouri because we no longer have bookstores…or so it seems…*sigh*

  1888. So, I squeaked and jumped up and down when I read this, because when I pre-ordered a Kindle copy of your book like, a billion years ago (I know, that sounds impossible, but really, I’m just extremely well-prepared.), I was super excited. But then, I realized that I abjectly refuse to loan my Kindle out to anyone, and that means that I’m REALLY ill-prepared for making strangers read excerpts from the book so that they will buy it, without said strangers getting their stranger-germs all over my Kindle. So clearly, I need a physical copy of the book.

    But now I’m torn. I can’t be having stranger-germs getting all over autographed stuff, either.

    Also, please come to North Carolina.

  1890. I’m so excited for your book! I discovered over the weekend that my partner has a Beyonce-like figure in the backyard near the pool. It was tipped over so I couldn’t see it, but it caught my eye and I squealed, “Beyonce!” at it.

  1892. I am all atwitter with excitement! Not actually twittering because I am not that cool. You should come further north than just New York!! Boston! PLEASEEEEEEEE!

  1894. A book never looked so pretty. Seriously. Will the book tour events be held in bathrooms? Because I think that would be awesome. Will try to make the San Francisco one!

  1895. So many comments …
    Has anyone pointed out that your poster says “I’m Coming to you”, when we all know you really mean “I’m coming to get you!”.

  1896. Come to Raleigh-Durham! We can go to Dame’s Chicken and Waffles and eat sweet potato waffles smeared with orange blossom butter and topped with fried chicken in a dijon mustard sauce to wit we liberally apply hot sauce and blueberry syrup. The 3 cheese macaroni is on the side because that would be a bit much doncha think?

  1897. How are you not comming to Washington, DC? It’s a pretty big city, I think! Sad face. Maybe winning the contest will make me feel better. 🙂

  1899. I would absolutely love to read (or listen to) your book! Winning this drawing is almost like lottery odds though. Hope you enjoy your book tour!

  1900. YAY! Congratulations! I am new to your blog and have become addicted. VERY excited and anxious to read your book!

  1902. What, no Portland? I was so ready to put a bird (perhaps miniture Beyonces) on everyone waiting in line to buy an autographed book. Damn.

  1904. I’d love to listen to the audio if you read it. I listen when I make trips back and forth to Tybee Island, GA. You should visit Atlanta and Tybee!

  1906. Can’t wait to read your book…you keep myself and my husband humored like no other. Congrats on the tour and release of the book!

  1907. Yay for you and your book! Congrats! On your next tour, can you come to Denver? Denver really is the best place ever, and i might even be able to get my friend from Oregon to fly to Denver to see you because we love you and Oregon is really far from Texas.

    Thanks!

  1908. And this is why I’ve told my daughters that they are out of the will if they go into HR…or worse, Marketing!

  1910. If you come to Phoenix you can use my bathroom to hide in. It’s pretty nice. I’ll put out the “company” towels for ya!

  1911. Your blog helps me through more days at work than I care to admit. Thanks Jenny

  1912. You should add Boulder to your tour, even if it’s only to see Denver’s version of Beyonce at the airport (it’s a giant blue horse with glowing red-orange eyes) and people-watching on Pearl for a world of hilarious contradiction.

  1914. You know, it is just a quick flight from San Fran to Seattle, and we have some great bookstores that I’m sure would love to host you. (Third Place Books). Lots of fans here for you. Say hi to Beyonce for me.

  1916. Can’t wait – I’ll see you in Austin… and the tour would be complete if you would bring Beyonce!

  1917. Congrats!!! Please come to Phoenix please!! I so want to buy a book and have you autograph it!!

  1918. Holy shitsnax, Suzy Creamcheese! Amost FOUR THOUSAND comments? But I’m a gambler, so here’s my comment because I want something free.

    And San Angelo? Yeah, I get the connection, but still … New York, LA, Houston, Dallas … and San Angelo? And no Miami or Honolulu or Barbados. But I’ll be in line in Austin!

  1919. Well, I was hoping to see Omaha NE on that list, or at least Kansas City. I’d certainly settle for winning this little drawing!!! (Even though I’ve already got my name (and yours!) on a pre-ordered copy. I plan on giving a couple as gifts too)

  1923. I’m so excited!! I’ve been checking my amazon order hoping that it somehow will ship early!! I’m bad at waiting!!

  1924. I am also sad that you are not coming to Atlanta. But not surprised because no one comes to atlanta. Not even Bon Jovi.

  1925. Please come to DC…..pretty please with an abnormally large, over fertilized and hormone overdosed cherry on top!!!!!! (I hope you like cherries….because this one is fixin’ to be a big-in’).

  1926. Come to CHICAGO! We love you here! If I win the copy can Ferris Mewler sign the book too? It’d be extra cool since he has extra toes 🙂

  1928. I already pre-ordered as a birthday present to me, but I can totally regift it (I was planning on letting my sister borrow it after I was done anyway. I think she’d love you, but she doesn’t “do” blogs.) and keep the autographed copy for myself! Also, come to Vegas and I’ll (and maybe “we’ll”) definitely be there. ~.^

    Also. Congratulations, Mrs. Published Author!

  1929. Did someone say free stuff?

    I could have sworn I heard someone say free stuff…

  1930. You’re not coming to Chicago?! You will be missed. In lieu of your visit, perhaps I should start a campaign to rescue the taxidermied animals of Chicagoland. We could do it. #freedomforall

  1931. I have my very own hardback copy in my own hands RIGHT NOW. Because I have “connections.” I just had to gloat because I can be a total kuntknuckle at times and now is the time.

  1932. Yay for you! and I second or third or fifteenth the comment that we would like to have you visit the DC area.

  1933. NOOOOOOO!! You’re finally coming to my area BUT I won’t be there!! Arrrgggghhhh!! I’ll be getting married. Maybe I can cancel? Winning the book and audiobook wouldn’t even make-up for this loss!! I am heartbroken. But also, mostly really happy for you! And me! I’m getting married to THE best human I know, so I guess I’ll live. Maybe.

  1934. Awww, no Ferris Mueller cat butt? Well that’s ok, I’m allergic to cat butts anyways. Then I’d get all allergified if I won, and every time I’d sneeze people would have to say “Bloggess You”.

  1935. Many congrats on the book. I know writing a book is a long process kinda like having a baby elephant, but better because your wahoo isn’t all stretched out afterwards. See ya in Houston kiddo.

  1937. Awww… no Ferris Mueller cat butt? Well that’s ok, I’m allergic to cat butts anyways. Then I’d get all allergified if I won, and every time I’d sneeze people would have to say “Bloggess You”.

  1939. I already ordered my copy but I’d love to have the autographed one! I’ll let you keep the cat butt, I have one of my own 😉

  1941. love your “sense” of humor…. Would love, love, love the audio book.
    I run a boarding facility 4 retired horses (55 of them) and mini horses(8), I do chores and check horses
    thru-out each day and while doing so…listen to books om my ipod.
    I live 1 hour from SF, so maybe I’ll come to your book signing.

  1942. I’m so, so super excited for you! Congrats! And also, could you schedule a stop in Florida? If you needed a place to stay, probably my dogs would be happy to snuggle you. They’re good stress relievers.

  1943. Me! Me! Me! Pick me! Also, I’ve been wondering if I should just look for you in the bathroom of Book People when you come to Austin.

  1944. If you come to Indianapolis, IN I will create a custom cake for your book signing and I swear it will feature taxidermied animals. Okay, well they would be sugar paste made to look like animals that have been taxidermied. I think the health department would object if I made a cake and put dead stuffed animals on top of it. But you get the idea.

  1946. If you will come east of the Mighty Mississip and south of the Mason/Dixon, I’ll come! In the meantime, I would be mollified with autographed copies of both the book and the audio, while I wait for my (signed bookplate edition) from Amazon. They keep bumping up the date for publication, but it ain’t happened yet! Congrats, Jenny. And when you come, will you bring all your fuzzy, furry friends? Please?

  1947. Oh my gosh! I can’t wait to read your book!!!!! And my teenage daughter and I are going to HAVE to come see you when you’re in Austin. As funny and entertaining as you are, you are also very encouraging to people (like us) who suffer from depression, anxiety, and self harm. When your blog entry about depression and self harm showed up on the TWLOHA website a couple of months ago, my daughter and I were so thrilled that you were connected with them, or they were connected with you, or whatever! We’ve been fans and supporters of theirs for several years now. Thank you so much for enriching my life with your honesty and crazy humor!

  1948. OMG! OMG! I am so excited you are coming to the Dallas area ( and even more excited that it’s only like 15 minutes from me in case I need to camp out!) I NEED an autographed copy of your book…I don’t need the cat butt…I have 3 of my own as well. And I thought about asking you to autograph one of their butts too but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t sit still for that but if I bring my mini-Beyonce would you autograph him?

  1949. Authors tend to avoid Wisconsin it seems like, must not like beer. I am hoping to get your book into our Book Club…

  1951. 1.) That is an awesome graphic.
    2.) When I pre-ordered your book, it was slated to be available April 23 and now it’s nearly a WHOLE WEEK sooner!! That makes me furiously happy.
    3.) I have a cat butt similar to yours. In certain poses it looks like an elephant’s head.
    4.) Please come to Ohio. Or Kentucky or Indiana. My friends and I *will* road-trip to see you.
    5.) We’ll bring chambord slushies.

  1954. It’s so sweet that your cat wanted to be there as a duster to make sure that your new, fresh book and audio book didn’t get dusty! This is really a family that comes together for a good cause (the written word)!

  1955. So sad you can’t make it to Canada. Best of luck to you on tour, and I can’t wait to get my preordered copy!

  1959. I’m so happy for you for completing your book, and so happy for me, since I get to read it! Thank you!!

  1960. I WANT, WANT, WANT this autographed copy of your book. See? Im yelling too cause I am also excited! I hope I get chosen! Either way I will be there on April 20th in SF for your book signing- looking in every restroom stall for you, because we all know thats where the real fun is!

  1961. Congrats on getting to hold that in your hands! You definitely deserve to have a SQUEE!!! moment!

  1962. I’m a new reader, but I’d love to win a copy of your book, it looks awesome. Also, when Star Trek TNG was on I was completely in love with Mr Wheaton, so thanks for all the pictures with & without twine.

  1963. At this point it looks like I have a better chance of surviving the zombie apocalypse than winning a copy of your book, but a girl’s gotta try. Maybe if I ask really politely…”Pretty please, with a cherry on top?” 🙂 Congratulations to you!

  1964. I’ve never commented before- but I absolutely love your blog and I have been a faithful follower for quite some time- I can always count on you for a laugh! Congrats on your book! This is the opportunity of a lifetime, and you must be ecstatic! I am so sad that you will not becoming to Boston where I would be able to have a chance to finally meet you and maybe get an autographed copy of your book. You will have the greatest time on tour meeting all of your adoring fans. Enjoy every last minute of it!

  1966. Sooo excited for you! Also, if you wanted to do a surprise showing in Baton Rouge my feelings wouldn’t be hurt…or New Orleans…or Lafayette.

  1967. I’m so excited you’re coming to LA. I’ve never been to a book tour event (book signing? reading?)!

  1968. So wish you were coming to PA. Good luck on the tour. I can’t wait to read the book.

  1969. Oh how I wish you were coming to Portland, OR. I’d settle for hearing your voice on CD though.

  1970. Please Please Please come to Portland, Oregon!!!!!! Just make sure its in the Summer because the “Spring” here will make you want to walk into oncoming traffic.

  1971. Congrats Jenny – I love your blog and can’t wait for my book to arrive. Since I’ve already pre-ordered mine, if I win the autographed copy, I’ll donate it to our 4th Annual Rolling for Pink Bunko Tournament silent auction on June 23rd.. We raise money for breast cancer research and are always looking for cool things to auction off. I know you’re very “crowd-phobic” or I would try to convince you to come too. It’s a hilarious boob/booze infused afternoon. Good luck with the tour – I’m hoping to come down and see you when you’re in L.A.

  1973. I’m not interested in cat butt anyway, but raccoon butt would be totally different. I would love the autographed goodies and I think you should send them to me anyway to make up for the gross negligence of not coming to Atlanta. Just saying.

  1975. Not to add to the chorus of, “What you’re not coming to City X?” BUT, what you’re not stopping in Philly? We’ve got cheesesteaks, which I honestly don’t see the appeal of but they seem to be our selling point. We’ve also got the Liberty Bell, which is cracked and doesn’t ring. And hey! Seen one broken bell seen them all. We do however have the Mütter Museum, which I think would be right up your alley, http://www.collphyphil.org/site/mutter_museum.html.

    I’ll of course still buy the book if you don’t manage to make Philly. 🙂

  1977. Wish you were coming to Philadelphia! Maybe when you tour for your next book. 🙂 Good luck and have fun.

  1978. I am so excited!! i have a countdown on my computer until it is released! Congratulations.

  1980. Come to Philly please, please, please! Or more specifically the Barnes and Noble in Devon, PA. Granted if you were in the city I would absolutely call in sick to work, drop my kid off at day care and come to hear you read from your book. It is totally a no brainer! So excited for you!!! Yay!

  1982. I already pre-ordered a copy of the book, but I want this anyway. I’ll send the copy I ordered to Nathan Fillion.

  1983. Wow! You have to be completely “over the moon”! So happy for you. Thanks for always making me smile. You have become my daily fix 😉

  1984. So excited for the new book! I preordered the e-book, but much like my other favorite books I’m likely to buy it in hardcover, paperback, audio….you know I’ll just start throwing money at you like I do J.K. Rowling because you both entertain me so! Good luck with everything Jenny!

  1985. Congratulations! SO wonderful to see something come to fruition. I’m hoping to get picked up by a publisher this year as well so I know how hard it can be to write a book and have so much respect for you.

    So happy for you! 😀

  1987. I will read your book one way or another but would especially appreciate winning it and the audio version. Yay! C’mon, comment 3,978 (or whatever one this ends up being)!

  1988. I JUST preordered it, but I figure If I were lucky enough to win I know people that would love it.

  1990. Am I not too late, I hope?! I’ve already ordered my Kindle version but I’d love an autographed hard copy!

  1991. How awesome is this? You should be totally ecstatic. 🙂 Sp wish you were coming to WI.

  1994. Congratulations on getting your book published. Can’t wait to read it!!

  1995. Your fans in the Twin Cities would love it if you came to visit! Until then, we will all be reading your book. Hopefully, mine will be free. Pick me! 🙂

  1997. Can’t wait for your book to come out…. Come to the East Coast!!

  1999. I read your excerpt aloud to my CEO just so I could ask him if I should update our handbook with more penis-related directives.

    I’ve been in HR 14 years and have never once dealt with penis photographs, although I did get to fire our ex-head of HR when she got drunk and grabbed my balls.

  2000. Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please come to Kansas City.

    That is all.

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