The King is Coming. But maybe not the one you think.

I got an email from someone who wanted me to come to “a very important social media conference” and at the end he wrote “THE KING IS COMING!”  Then I wrote back, “Elvis is coming?” and he was like “I’m sorry.  Who?”   And I explained that he’d said that the king was coming to the event and that I happened to have it on good authority that Elvis had been dead for quite some time, and then he explained that “THE KING IS COMING!” obviously referred to the true king, Jesus Christ.  So then I was like “Jesus is coming to your social media conference?  How did you swing that?” and then he explained that “THE KING IS COMING!” is just his auto-signature and didn’t refer to the conference at all, and I told him that it was very nice auto-signature but that some people might suspect that he was advertising Jesus and/or Elvis as being attendees and that he might want to reword it so he didn’t get sued.  I also asked him why some people referred to Jesus as The King, because it seems like his Dad would be The King since he’s the main dude in charge, so technically wouldn’t Jesus be a Prince?  Except that “Prince Jesus” doesn’t really have a nice ring to it, and it sounds like something Disney would try to make into a musical.   But then he never responded.

And this is probably why I so seldom get invited to events.


And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:



What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melany, a tell-it-like-it-is, hold-nothing-back blogger, and Beverly Hills queen of snark.  She believes that snarky is witty, but younger and better looking, and her blog, is full of hilarious TRUE STORIES about being young, single, and navigating this crazy world with a huge dose of humor.  She says what most are thinking but do not say themselves.  Think Chelsea Handler with a splash of Perez Hilton.  You can check her out here.

142 thoughts on “The King is Coming. But maybe not the one you think.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I may, in fact, fall a little bit more in love every time I read a blog post. Internet-blogger-love, for sure.

  2. In total agreement about the King/Prince thing. Total.

    In other news: this makes me really, really want an autosignature.

    Chin up, thinking cap on!

  3. That is the BEST reply I have ever heard (er, um, read) regarding the King is coming.
    Glad I didn’t get out my blue suede shoes!

  4. He should totally be thanking you for pointing that out to him. Just imagine how many people would have been upset to sign up and then not get to meet Elvis.

  5. Plus if his signature said “The Prince is coming!” some people might think he meant that Prince was coming, maybe to play guitar or just leer creepily whilst wearing purple. Or that one of those English princes were coming. Or that Satan, the prince of darkness, was coming. Actually there seem to be even more princes than kings.

    On second thought, he should just change his signature to “Jesus is coming! But, not to the conference.”

    (If Prince was coming to the conference I’d totally go. Just saying. ~ Jenny)

  6. I love you so much. Not in a sexual way but in a “I have never met you but I think we could possibly be best friends if I weren’t so reclusive and actually knew you in person” kind of way.

  7. I love you… If you ever need to borrow my Pink Velvet Jesus that functions as an 8 ball (the fortunetelling kind), just let me know.😉

  8. I went straight to Michael Jackson. Clearly, “The King” is too vague.

    What kind of very important social media conference coordinator signs his emails with the equivalent of “Jesus is coming!”?….and do we think in an alternate universe Paul Revere signed his emails with “the Redcoats are coming”?

  9. And that, ladies and gents, is how you keep spammers and wackos away from your e-mail…
    Well played, Jenny.
    Well played, indeed.

  10. Would it be possible for you to speak to my ex-boss and explain how things work to her? Because she thinks the devil lives in my house, and I think if you talked to her…well. It probably wouldn’t help matters, but I would thoroughly enjoy it.

  11. Elvis Costello is the King in our house LOL Seriously, though. You’re brilliant. And I think you may be related to my 11 year old – last night we went to a big soccer match and as we were walking in there were all these religious people with signs. One said, “Have You Found Jesus?” My kid walks up to the guy and says, “oh, is he missing again? There’re a lot of people here tonight, but we’ll keep an eye out for you!” LOL

  12. When I read the title of this post, I immediately assumed some version of Elvis would be there. I’m now sad that is not the case.

  13. So the King isn’t coming to his conference, the King is just *coming * …

    How is it that he’s so well-informed about Jesus’ sex life?

  14. I’d probably go to the conference just in case Jesus came. Or Elvis. I think Elvis would be so much cooler, because I’m not sure if Jesus can sing.

  15. So the King isn’t coming to his conference. The King is just *coming * …

    How is it that he’s so well-informed about Jesus’ sex life?

  16. OMG! Why did you link the book torture! I can hear them screaming! (and also damn that’s so cool. Awful, horrible, terrrible… cool. I am so conflicted).

  17. That guy clearly needs to work on his exegesis. There are ways of answering your perfectly reasonable question. Not answering is just plain rude! However, signatures like that are a pretty good “leave this person alone ‘cos they’re craaaaazy” hint so you’re probably best off without his ongoing company!

  18. And now all I can think of is that someone is going to make Robert Graves “King Jesus” into a musical. Which would be rather like making “I, Claudius” into a musical. Which would probably be doable, but I don’t think you could make “I. Claudius” into a Disney movie, at least not without heavily censoring out all the best parts.

    Lesson for the day: Don’t sell Disney any rights to Robert Graves’ books.

    Unless, of course, you can get Elvis for the starring role. Because ELVIS.

    Coming to a theater near you……..

  19. I thought he was talking about Elvis too, and I love Jesus, and Jesus is the Prince of Peace at least. I’m not sure how it works now that He’s home in heaven, like I think He and God become one in the same somehow. I’m guessing like the Power Rangers, you know how they become a really big tronny ranger thing by combining powers.

  20. So it’s prolly just cuz I’m hungry but when I read “the king is coming” I thought of the creepy Burger King mascot guy which makes no sense what so ever. I should really eat some lunch soon..

  21. @lorettasueross – You made me spit coffee on my keyboard. Funny and, well, EWWWWW!

  22. I was pretty sure you meant Elvis. So disappointed! I mean, if Elvis is going to be there, I might just start thinking about attending these social media soirees.

  23. I worked for years at a Divinity School and rarely saw The King is Coming as an autosignature. Saw Bible quotes. But that’s just well odd. Even with that work background, I thought the guy meant Elvis too.
    And do we really want the end of the world? Way too many things on the list still to do.

  24. It’s entirely possible that this idea is not unique in the least, but if you’re Jenny Lawson…doesn’t that make you J-Law? And if you’re the original JLaw, doesn’t that make Jennifer Lawrence, JLaw2? Do you guys have to fight it out? Let me know.

    (Meh. I’m still Jenny from the block. ~ Jenny)

  25. i thought it was a game of thrones reference. i lose the internet.

  26. Being from a terrifyingly religious background, I immediately got a song “The King is Coming” stuck in my head. Thanks for that flashback.

  27. Kinda reminds me of that old t-shirt or poster that said something along the lines of “Jesus is coming! And man, is he pissed!!”

  28. Why not the king and queen: Elvis and Freddie Mercury?
    Kenny Roberts?
    Abdullah II?

  29. Well, if Handel is to be believed, Jesus is not only the King of Kings, but also the Lord of Lords, the Everlasting Father, and the Prince of Peace. So I would imagine that he’d be too busy to attend a social media conference. But who knows, maybe he’s able to fit it in to his schedule somewhere.

  30. That guy totally deserved any kind of hassle you gave him in the first place. You really want to be confusing people and you are in charge of a whole conference. Gee, what if an author you invited happened to be Jewish…. Hmmmm New kettle of fish there!!! I’m glad you gave him the what for….

  31. “And this is probably why I so seldom get invited to events.”

    Well, in that case… you’re invited to my wedding. Bring Victor. And Beyoncé.

  32. If royalty (or Jesus) is going to be attending a conference, count me out — I don’t own attire suitable for meeting kings (or queens) of any type. The only exception might be Prince Harry — because I understand he often doesn’t wear clothes at all….not that I want to see him naked, ’cause that would make me a perve — I’m just saying if he was naked and I was in my sweats, I would feel appropriately dressed for the occasion. You know?

  33. I totally would have asked which King. I mean there are heaps of them around the world. And yes, Jesus totally can’t be King.

  34. I’ve always wondered that same thing about Jesus and God and which one is the king. It’s possible God retired. I would not blame him. Let a younger, more tech saavy deity in to run things and get the kids excited.

  35. @MILFrunner, my wife totally heard me read “The King Is Coming” and asked, “Stannis?” More like Robert, but then the last word would be spelled differently.

  36. I still giggle every time I read your store description. And I feel pretty awesome about myself right now for being “A Girl Who Reads”

    Great and hilarious post! (As per the usual…)

  37. I thought Jesus was a Superstar?(Now that makes me wonder. Did Jesus feel the need to check his armpit stench? Would he sweat or just always stay cool, even while cooking up those fish and loaves?) I just got the new version of “Jesus Christ Superstar” on Netflix. Now we all know Judas is the most important character, right? Well it is in this one because TIM MINCHIN is Judas!! Also very odd- my phone corrected it to *Jesup Christmas Super star” and Judas to “Judah.” I think the devil might be in my phone. Just sayin’!

  38. I don’t know why, but when I first saw the Magnificent Misfit mug, I assumed what was holding the banner were disembodied octopus arms, and I was all, “Wow. That’s really crazy and I am totally creeped out by that.” Then I saw they weren’t disembodied tentacles, and I was really relieved. But a little disappointed.

  39. I’ve always understood Jesus to be Lord. Which means he ranks well after Kings & Princes as well as Dukes, Marquesses, Counts, Earls, & Viscounts. Assuming he is just Lord Jesus and not Lord Jesus, Marquess of Bethlehem or some such. Though I think the Bible would have mentioned it if he was Marquess of Bethlehem.

  40. I think your shop should be called “I’ll take one of everything good sir, and throw in a Giant Metal Chicken if you would be so kind”

  41. Anyone who has “The King is Coming!” in all caps as an email tag line deserves whatever interpretation he gets. For me, it triggered the song, “Santa Claus is coming to town” which I rather liked. Kind of an Armageddon with gifts thing.

  42. Dammit you owe me a new keyboard (spit-take for the win!) BTW I’ve been threatening my wife with a full fledged Beyonce (except I’ll call her Rhiana) It was outside at an HEB in Austin and was only 99 bucks. It took all of will not to buy it on the spot, If it is still there when she gets back from her month long family visiting trip I am so going to buy it! And leave it on the front porch!

  43. Well, I’d say that’s pretty cheap of them to bring in an Elvis impersonator and try and pass him off as the “King.” What a rip off.

  44. Poor Burger King. No one remembers him. It’s all Elvis This and Jesus That, and no one thinks of the poor creepy dude hawking burgers all day.

  45. I like the way you think. And speak. And write.
    The (most) hilarious part is that he will not change his auto-signature.

  46. Sounds like they don’t know what they’re talking about.
    I always remember Jesus being referred to as the Prince of Peace, living in the Kingdom of Heaven where he sat at the right hand of the father.
    Now typically in a hierarchical monarchy, the father would be the king, and the son the crown prince, so if they’re immortal that means Jesus will never be king!

    If however somehow Jesus manages to off his Dad, well he would be king, but could you trust a king who killed his father? (There were precedents for this in the history of monarchy, and it rarely bode well for the royal family or the people).

    Anyway, what are they talking about; I thought Americans were proud of having gotten independence and kicking the British Monarchy out of the country; and my understanding is that Jesus was trying to mess up the status quo when his country was under Roman rule – which is ironic when you consider the Catholic Church modeled itself on the Roman Empire!

    The way I see it you have two options; disregard the invite, or go along and heckle them, but I’d go with option one; as God bothering loonies tend to have powerful friends…..
    and they could mess you up more than the enemies inside your head.

  47. I just finished your book and it was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. My friend game an autographed copy. Thanks for signing it.

  48. It’s a strange strange time right now. I feel it in the air and in the pit of my stomach. But you are so right. You will be up and down and up again. Also, I just finished the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series and it SO stressed me out, I can’t stop thinking about it. And your book has been sitting by my bed–I’m saving it like the last piece of chocolate you don’t want to be gone. I think right now will be the perfect time to start it.

  49. I thought you were referring to “King Henry” as in Henrik Lundqvist of the New York Rangers. Oh well, still a good read and clearly people need to be more specific.

  50. Near where I live, there’s a “Jesus is King” car. It’s a sedan-type car topped by a crown that’s literally as tall as the car is. I’ve seen it parked a few times and keep meaning to take photos, but never got around to it. I should totally take a photo, erase the text from the photo, and let people fill in the blanks/caption the pic.

  51. What if the conference is really, like, “The Rapture?” Then you’d feel dumb for questioning! Just a thought. Also, “A LINK IS COMING!”

  52. But what about the Queen? Or will she be home tending the throne whilst the King is schmoozing at the Very Important Social Media Conference?

  53. Those are all valid questions. THE KING IS COMING! is a weird ass signature to have when responding to anyone outside your immediate social or religious group (who might have the context). It’s just going to scare and bewilder other people. Definitely not what you want to be saying after inviting people to events.

    (It could also be alluding to some kind of feudal royalist porn. Which may or may not be present at the event)

  54. I love you! Not in some weird, freaky, stalker-like way – I’m a wife and completely ordinary mother of 2. Just know on days that feel a little dark, there is a complete stranger out here who loves you!

  55. I know I’m late to the party, but for some reason this post reminded me of “Rock Me Sexy Jesus” from Hamlet 2.

  56. You know… alot of these wonderful believers dont get the humor that is a common reaction from someone like me… I would have said the same thing… King of Rock? King of pop? THE king??
    They are all deceased so to speak so any of them showing up will be astonishing!

  57. My husband says you may be the second coming of Amelia Bedelia.
    (In our household that’s a HUGE compliment.)

  58. What a let-down! I’m pretty sure the real Jesus wouldn’t have supported such trickery on the part of his minions. I’m really glad you followed up with the guy to get to the bottom of the guest list confusion. I’m also really glad that you exist and share with us 🙂 .

  59. That totally made me snort orange juice out of my nose. And of course ELVIS is the King – where has this guy been?

  60. Always enjoy following your links to be surprised by another part of the Net. Today’s feature of “Girl Who Reads” is the best ever. I loved it! Thank you for sharing.

  61. I don’t understand the King/Prince argument. Didn’t you listen when they explained the trinity idea in Sunday School? God = Jesus = Holy Spirit = All in One.

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