UPDATED: The Church of Bloggessianism. Choose your title, strangelings.

A few weeks ago I was accidentally made the leader of a church which doesn’t actually exist and now we have over 2,000 members.  I’m pretty sure than makes me some sort of Pope so please send me hats.

roundbloggessianism

More about that here if you missed it.

We decided that it would be nice to have some commandments, but “Commandment” seemed a bit pushy so we’re leaning more toward “Helpful Hints” or “Life Hacks”.  I came up with the first few.  The rest are a few of my favorites you’ve come up with.  Feel free to add your own:

Current Life Hacks for the Church of Bloggessianism:

  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Extra gravy for everyone.
  • Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed. We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well. This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc. (FYI…today is National Sundae Day, even though it’s Tuesday, but it’s nice because you need to leave right now and eat ice cream for religious reasons.)
  • If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it. Present your official card to any zoo officials.
  • Here is your official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
  • Mosquitos are now illegal.
  • Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you. Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.
  • Bacon at every meal. Chocolate dipped bacon for special high holidays.
  • Blessed are the pickles, for they are pickled.
  • Thou shall always ask for help when you need it.
  • Thou shall carry thy metal spork for all sudden stabby needs.
  • Thou shall glitter-bomb assholes.
  • Thou shall get your slow ass out of the fast lane.
  • Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s giant metal chicken.
  • Thou shalt not lick foxen, unless the foxen are into it.
  • Thou shalt not share things on facebook until thou hast verified their truth.
  • Thou shalt not throw co-workers under the bus.
  • Thou shalt not leave your cart in the middle of the grocery aisle and wander off to find tuna fish.
  • Thou shalt not talk to people who are less than 10 pages from the end of the book they are currently reading
  • Thou shalt not make commandments.
  • Thou shalt not shalt others. 
  • Honor the saints of Bloggessianism. St. Wil of Collating.  St. Jeri Ryan of Spatula. Nancy W. Kappes, Patron Saint of Chemical Substances.  James Garfield, Patron Saint of Taxidermy.  Etc.
  • Special dispensation from parallel-parking.
  • Pants are always optional. Always.
  • We brake for taxidermy. Also chocolate. And phantom Sasquatches.
  • Never stand if you can sit.  Never sit if you can lie down.
  • We all get our own pony.
  • Cadbury mini eggs are available year round.
  • And none for Gretchen Weiners.
  • You may decline on the gravy, or give your gravy as a charitable contribution to those less gravied.
  • Christmas is a mandatory onesie day.
  • No one leaves the house until all cookies are eaten.
  • All orphaned pygmy hippos will be adopted, and named George.
  • On the sabbath, excerpts shall be read from “The Phantom Tollbooth.”
  • Take care of each other.
  • Never take advice from someone with bad eyebrows.
  • The go-to phrase for asking anybody to hold something shall invariably be, “Hold my poodle.”
  • Everything comes with a side of pancakes.
  • No observances during the Zombie Apocalypse.
  • Whosoever believeth in me shall be confused all the days of their lives.
  • FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOIS. THIS IS CAMP. GET TOUGH OR DIE.
  • Depression lies.
  • Red dresses are sacred.
  • Bloggessians may be taxidermied upon death and kept in the family home. Keeping them fashionably dressed is a must or you may be haunted by them.
  • The only weapons we believe in are books and we believe in heavily arming everyone.
  • Mandatory Cupcake Monday
  • Taco Tuesday
  • Saturday is now Caterday.
  • Time is a “wibbly wobbly concept” and therefore deadlines are portals that must be avoided unless we’re okay with being trapped in a rift.
  • Bloggessians can decline social events without guilt for any reasons related to their heads getting in the way.
  • Celebrate the awkwarding.
  • Never let anyone be awkward all alone.
  • Remember that thou art as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most. 
  • Keep the Victor in thy prayers and do not succumb to the wrongness; forever and ever or until the gravy runs out.
  • Wine shall be an acceptable beverage at all hours of the day.
  • Everyone should be owned by at least one animal.
  • Naps shall be mandatory.
  • Members of the church can still be members of any other religion or lack-thereof, but membership into the Double Unicorn Success Club is automatic.
  • Spiders must ask permission before entering a home.
  • All members, male and female alike, shall have their own tiaras.
  • Inappropriate giggling is always appropriate.
  • Share your successes. Share your failures. Share your booze.
  • No icy cold weather allowed. But sometimes snow.
  • Our biggest tenet is David Tenant.
  • One can NEVER have too many towels.
  • Above all things, we strive to be furiously happy. If that doesn’t work, wine slushees usually will.
  • The official religious sacrament offerings are tiny cakes made for squirrels.
  • If a llama is within ten feet of you, then you can try to ride it if the llama is into it.  If you’re feeling extra religious you may wave a flag. (Pirate flag is suggested.)
  • Tithing is expected.  It is also expected that you spend all of your tithing on ridiculous things that you would never buy for yourself except now you have to because it’s a religious requirement.
  • (INSERT YOUR COMMANDMENT HERE.)

These commandments might seem contradictory, but that’s fitting because being contradictory is also part of our (dis)organized religion.

Everyone in the Church of Bloggessianism is given an official title when they feel they are ready for that level of responsibility.  “Strangeling” is the perfect beginner title for all neophytes who don’t yet know what unique title they want to settle on. Once you’ve decided that being weird is a good thing you are officially a Strangeling. Then, once you’ve eaten a good slice of pie, or watched a zombie move, or accomplished something a grown-up should have to do, you become qualified to choose any title that best fits your personality.  Right now I’m Jenny Lawson, Notorious Lion Whisperer.  I’ve already picked out my business cards.  Here’s a helpful chart if you need suggestions picking a title (or page down to have one randomly assigned).

choose your own title

Or if there are just too many options you can use this clever thing my brilliant friend made us:

The Random Title Generator for the Church of the Bloggessianism

(My randomly assigned title today was Dreadful Overlord of Ermine Canon.  I approve.)

If you’d like to commemorate your title (or bestow a title to a special someone) you can customize this card with your title.  The official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Card is printed inside.  Any profits raised by the church will go to buying taxidermy and helping homeless children, but a basic tenet of the church should be “No helping homeless children if you don’t want to” so you have full permission to just print this out for free yourself.  (PS. The coupon code TISTHESEASON gets you 60% off that card this week.)

bloggesschurch

sloth

Now go out and be awesome.

May peace and gravy follow you the rest of your days.

460 thoughts on “UPDATED: The Church of Bloggessianism. Choose your title, strangelings.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This post is so full of awesomeness I don’t know where to begin. I LOVE EVERY WORD written here. And I love you. Which is how church is supposed to make you feel. Yay for the Church of Bloggessianism. You’re doin’ it right.

  2. Also, I tried to tell my husband to take the day off for ‘Spouse of a Scorpio Support Day’ but since he’s giving a big talk about his new book today he will be observing it at a later date.

  3. Holy. Shit.

    Can we have revolving titles? Because I can’t pick one.

    (Yes, because I can’t be expected to remember mine. I plan on changing every time I run out of business cards. ~ Jenny)

  4. Dreadful Overload of Sloth Snogging. Oh yeah…getting that on a bumper sticker. Usually I am not a fan of organized religion but you reeled me in with “mandatory naps” and sealed the deal with and the David Tenant tenant. Testify!

  5. I also feel I need more guidance on a Title. Too many choices! That should be a commandment: Thou Shalt Not Offer Too Many Choices.

    (Pick a number. Use that number to choose the words. Or have a friends pick out the perfect title for you. Even better. ~ Jenny)

  6. Geeze, what a bargain. It cost me $30 to become a licensed ordained minster with the Unitarians.

    ps, as a member of Bloggessianism can I ignore that whole “I before e” rule?

    (Yes. Grammar is now just a suggestion, although if you really fuck things up we’ll be forced to give you a heavy side-eye. ~ Jenny)

  7. Rogue Overlord of Llama Shaving reporting in – this is what i’ve been waiting for since leaving the Baptist Church 25 years ago. Thank you! 😀

  8. It is with great honor I take on my official and proper title of: Legal Advisor of Pizza Canon. Be blessed, and enjoy suffering Scorpio Spouses day (or whatever official religious holiday today is).

  9. The Celebrated Strangeling of Wombat Fundamentals is very grateful for her new title. Thank you so much for redeeming me from the shit-storm that is today. I’m going to go eat a sundae and ignore the rest of the world. Except for my fellow Bloggessianists, who make me smile.

  10. I see Queen is missing from column 2. But since you have been so kind as to be flexible, I’m still keeping my main title of The Queen of Everything. Today though I am The Furious Queen of Everything because today is a sucky, sucky day. Maybe tomorrow I will be The Glittering Queen of Everything.

  11. I should like to be the Notorious Custodian of Fried Pickle Tasting. It is an honor to accept this position from you, Bloggess. My life is full and complete. * weeping happily *

  12. I do hope it is ok that I came to the faith Pre-Titled. I was crowned Psychic Princess Metz by my, clearly ahead of their time, best friends way back in my 19-20’s. I see no reason to discard such a prestigious title, but do like the thought of amending it to be Psychic Strangeling Princess Metz of the Snooze Button.

  13. Using the “chose a number/column” method, I now respond to: Approved Commander of Libra Persuasion. I really love the juxtaposition between “Commander” and “Persuasion”. Feels very Libra.

  14. Well, today is a crappy work day, but apparently my title is Eminent Duchess of Jazz Dogma. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

  15. Mayhaps we could allow for a tweaking on the bacon hack for us non pork eaters to make it sound more optional? Y’all can have my bacon, i don’t want it 🙂 Otherwise, spot on! I may consider this new faith! 🙂

  16. What about sisters of Scorpios? We’re stuck with ours forever. And I said that “forever” like Squints in “The Sandlot.”

    Sincerely, The Illicit Czar of Shrimp Cocktail Culture.

  17. Please forgive me for I have sinned, I have coveted my neighbors big metal chicken. I’m a bad, bad person.

  18. Love this! Thank you. I now have a way to kill downtime at work creating cards for all my friends. 🙂

    Sincerely,
    Christina Hill, Illustrious Instigator of Kitten Cuddles

  19. It is a momentous day — I have never had the slightest interest in any sort of religion, until now. All hail the Notorious Lion Whisperer.

    And, for now, just call me Solstice, the Glittering Firebrand of Penguin Admonitions.

  20. I feel so honored to be recognized as the Noble Pixie of Baked Goods, and am especially tickled that my life hack was selected for your list (’cause I get stabby when people interrupt my reading in the last few pages of the book).

  21. As the Celebrated Mastermind of Nacho Regulations, I’m off to try to scam free nachos for lunch. It’s against my religion not to.

  22. Thank you so much for incorporating the exemption from Parallel Parking. I cannot park. I do not need to. I need a sign for my windshield, please.
    Sincerely,
    Nancy, the Distinguished Loose Cannon of Cat-Hair Braiding.

  23. I shall be now known as Rogue Chair of Lion Spies.

    Upon reflection, perhaps choosing my name based on the first word i saw from each column was a terrible idea. Or magnificent- much like my new, luxurious mane.

  24. I am the Eminent Advisor of Donkey Sucker-Punches. I will advise you which days the Donkey Sucker-Punches are disciplinary blows to the head and which days it is a refreshing alcoholic beverage. Check your calendars often.

  25. I have to go translate “celebrate the awkwarding” into Latin so I can add it to my family crest.

    And ideally make up a family crest while I’m at it.

    After I add “Illustrious Instigator of Aardvark Admonitions” to my non-existent business cards.

  26. I am the Eminent Advisor of Donkey Sucker-Punches. I will advise you as to what days the Sucker-Punches are disciplinary blows to the head, and what days the Sucker-Punches are refreshing alcoholic beverages. Check your calendar often.

  27. An old roommate once said he was thinking of starting his own church; the only details he’d worked out were that the worship service would involve oral sex and presweetened breakfast cereal.

    Frankly, I suspect that thinking about those things just kind of got his brain stuck on those elements and he never was able to think ahead further.

  28. Oooh Cats seem to be in heavy rotation…. Perhaps I should be the Magnanimous Rapscallion of something elses Dogma….. Now taking applications and suggestions.

  29. Ahhhh, Nancy W. Kappes. I must re-read her glorious words yet again…TO THE ARCHIVES!
    Signed, Glittering Overseer of Unicorn Spies

  30. I appreciated being made to feel included. As the Accredited Loose Cannon of Cupcake Sucker-Punches I appreciate the opportunity to show my range. This title says educated renegade who is sweet in the middle but can really f*ck you up.

    Pretty accurate description, I must say. ::does the Ed Grimley dance off stage::

  31. You really need one small change: “Don’t be an asshole” SHOULD be a commandment, You should have one commandment. And the penalty should be death, but you are a much nicer person than I, so I’ll leave retributions up to you.

  32. Thank you, Church of Blogessianism, for allowing me to publicly be the Rogue Protector of Cheetah Spies that I’ve always been in my heart.

  33. But but but I Do COVET Beyonce. I even Yahooed the store and checked their stock. I even contemplated a road trip to another state! I can not comply with this commandment.

  34. Can we come up with an icon; something to use instead of a fish or stick-figure family? I already want an FSM magnet, now I’m thinking maybe a sloth for Bloggessianism?

  35. As the reigning Imperial Duchess of Feline Judging…. wait that can’t be right – i’m not judgy. OK as the reigning Imperial Duchess of Feline Snogging… shit, that’s probably illegal or immoral or something. OK, here it is.,…. As the reigning Imperial Duchess of Feline Cuddling, I hereby say YAY!!!

  36. Woohoo! I’m The Exalted Duchess of Tequila Tasting! Do we have a calendar of events somewhere? I sense the need for an official event or ceremony or something.

  37. Maybe me and The Glorious Hooligan of Cheese Cultivation could collaborate? Tequila and Cheeeeeeese!

  38. As the Notorious Pixie of Poutine Culture, may I propose an amendment to “EXTRA GRAVY FOR ALL” – that being – “EXTRA GRAVY FOR ALL PLUS CHEESE CURDS ON FRIES FOR CANADIANS AND HONORARY POUTINE LOVERS. YES, YOU.” That is all. Thank you.

  39. This made my day! The next time I forget business cards I will simply introduce myself as the Magnificent Duchess of Bacon Secrets.

  40. ****Don’t be an asshole!!!!!****
    Not being an ***ASSHOLE**** will take one a LOooooooooooooNG way in life))
    Fab.
    PS. Jenny, still waiting for you to appear on my blog, babe. xx

  41. I have one question (so far): Caterday. Is that Cat-er-day or Ca-ter-day. You see, this will make a big difference in how I spend that day…

  42. And to think I would ever belong to am organized religion. I guess there is a first time for everything because this is so fabulously brilliant.

  43. Honorable Director of Chocolate Tasting….has a nice ring to it. Now I must go and get some chocolate, and a sloth…because.

  44. Finally!! My kind of religion, I am in! I am the Honorable Overseer of Bovine Travel, the question is not why did the chicken cross the road…but why did the cow do so without the proper permits. Off to change all my email addies and usernames!

  45. I’ve been married to a Scorpio (a left-handed, red-headed, Irish Scorpio, no less) for 44 years. Because I’m a slow learner. Or a masochist. The fact that I’m not sure would seem to indicate the former. Fuck it – I’m taking the rest of the day off to rest.

    Jami
    Unorthodox Overseer of Bacon Shaving.
    (Because while bacon goes with everything, fuzzy bacon never goes with anything.)

  46. Can I still be a member even though I covet my neighbor’s giant metal chicken? I COVET THE HELL out of it! Otherwise, totally game on with the rest of them.

    Sincerely, Illicit Rapscallion of Anteater Grooming (at least for the rest of the day)

  47. I’m going to print the “commandments” on a pamphlet and hand them out at the mall like the Gideons. I may stand next to the Salvation Army bell ringers for extra traffic. And to everyone who accepts one I shall say, “Blessings from the Church of Bloggessianism and from me, the Imperial Duchess of Gemini Attitudes.” Something tells me it’s going to be a good good day!

  48. Finally, a religion I can get behind! Because honestly, David Tenannt should be a basic part of every religion.

    • Noble Overlord of Dog Cuddling
  49. Seems legit…. i think i’m ready to reveal my title now… “Majestic Pixie of Secrets and Bondage”…. (dont judge me) lolz

  50. Ah, hell. I’m in. I love it all, especially the ability to pass my gravy on to David Tennant. Wait, I may have gotten a few things confused there. I’m looking forward to future cult, er, church activities!

    The Ceremonious Custodian of Cat Communications
    (because, well, cats and alliteration)

  51. Illicit Duchess of Unicorn Dogma. A least for today. That should be a commandment too. Thou hast the right to change thy title at any given time.

  52. But I already have a title. Thee most awesome title. Princess-High-And-Mighty, Big-Shot, Told-You-So, Boss-Of-The-World. Somehow higher-ups never thought this was appropriate at work.

  53. Deborah Ilene – EXACTLY! I’ve been bingeing on Gilmore Girls and my first thought was “Oy, with the poodles, already!” Also, I hereby officiate myself (can one officiate oneself? I DECLARE IT TO BE SO IN BLOGGESSIANISM) as the Distinguished Duchess of Dolphin Dogma. May it ever be so, and may the odds be ever in your favor, for ever and ever, Bloggessian-amen.

  54. I’m fine with staying a Strangeling. I’m fine very much. But tell me: are there plans for a commune? If you do decide to move all of us to a commune can you send me a pamphlet ahead of time? I’d like to discuss it with my wife. One thing I need to know upfront is the wi-fi situation. If there’s no wi-fi, I’ll tell you right now that it’s a deal-breaker. I need wi-fi and coffee. Though, I’m sure you’ll have coffee. That’s a given. It’s why I didn’t ask if you’d have it. A commune without coffee is insanity. It just can’t function. Also, I think you’ll need a cobbler. If not living on the commune, then one in a neighboring town that we can go to. We’ll still be able to go to town, right? Take in a movie and such? I’m sure the pamphlet will explain it all.

  55. Glittery Pixie of Pasta Bondage. Let the fun illustrations begin!! Also, is it a specific type of gravy? Like, could maple syrup be considered gravy? I NEED TO KNOW! Oh, and instead of “Amen”, we should say “Hakuna Matata”, dramatically.

  56. I’ve always wanted to get in on the ground floor of something- just call me the Glittering Pixie of Dessert Declarations!

  57. I’m pretty sure I’m now going to end all of my emails with “May peace and gravy follow you the rest of your days.” Thanks!

  58. Naps shall be mandatory. I’m in. Signed Brilliant Overseer of Chocolate Cake Cultivation. Although I believe I may change my name often.

  59. I have long held the title Minister of Pie. I see no reason to change it now.

    Slonshal, fellow strangelings!

  60. It is lovely to meet you. I am the Irreverent Lady of Bat Attitudes (or Batitudes if you’re feeling cheeky, which I usually am) at your service, my liege.

  61. You may call me the Noble Custodian of Gryffin Spies. And I’d like to add a saint, Nathan Fillion refuser of twine.

  62. I’m thinking of taking a title for each day of week. Keep it varied. On Tuesdays I shall be the Eminent Overlord of Centaur Grooming.

    Where can I find a centaur?

  63. I’m in (if the liking the facebook page is enough), Veronica, the Imperial Protector or Meatball Culture

  64. I shall now be known as the Exalted High-Lord or Dragon Tickling. As you may have guessed, I have ADD and your lists were too long, so I just ran with it.

  65. I am Princess Jenni, Killer of Zombies, Savior of Snails. I didn’t pick a title from the titles offered, because it didn’t have those things, and I believe it is my right, as a follower of the Bloggess to choose my own.

  66. Finally, I can tell my dad to lay off my refusal to parallel park. It’s against my religion! So says the Glitter Czar of Dog Spies.

  67. If Thou causes another’s credit card to be replaced due to Thou’s fraud, Thou shall be banished to book prison, for 10 years, with only one book to read.

    Distinguished Commander of All Things Scissoring.

  68. As the Recognized Pixie of Pizza Gospels I can now wear my official Bloggessianim tiara.I was waiting for a special occasion.

  69. I just hope this religion doesn’t expect me to memorize all of the commandments. 10 was hard enough.

    -Glittering Pixie of Seahorse Cuddling

  70. For our church revivals, I’ll bring pizza and shortbread. It’s a Scottish/Connecticut thing.

  71. Totally heard “judgeRy” on the 7th commandment and I’m keeping it for my title. Magnificent Premier of Horrible-Driver Judgery

  72. I love it. I think I’ll order blank cards, so I can just fill in my title and/or any special instructions for the day…EACH DAY.

  73. Now I can finally tell my mother I am going to church, so stop nagging! Sincerely, the Transcendent Pixie of Popcorn Culture.

  74. I take issue with the “no pants” tenet. I’ve seen some girls walking around with panties as pants. And no. Just NO. Sincerely, Rogue Empress of Meerkat Spies. (P.S. Not sure if Empress was one of the options, but I am making it so.)

  75. Yarg, I LOVE IT. But I’m torn – should I chose “Rogue Duchess of Saggitarian Cuddling” or “Rogue Duchess of Kitten-like Throat-Punches” as my official title? I think I’m leaning towards the latter. Nobody expects a throat-punch from a kitten, but when they strike, they’re a streak of wild furred terror.

    Speak softly (makes ’em lean in real close so they can hear you, which puts them in reach of throat-punches and metal spork stabbing distance) and carry a metal spork! >:D

  76. Swooning from the transcendent religious eecstasy, too overwhelmed to pick my title at the moment.
    You all are awesome.

  77. Notorious Pixie of Cat Judging/Grooming/Attitudes/Bondage/Dogma. I can’t decide!!!! Too many choices. Maybe I should pick 2 more so I can have one for each day of the week. What a great idea!

  78. OK, I would buy the fuck out of a shirt that said “The only weapons we believe in are books and we believe in heavily arming everyone.” Just sayin’.

  79. Ohh.. I’m thinking…–watch out for the smoke–
    Majestic Lady of Pear Declarations
    I’m kind of digging that..but, Dag-gum…that’s a lot of commandments. lol

  80. As the authoress of “Thou shalt glitter-bomb assholes” I decree myself to be the Exalted Overseer of Lion Walking.

  81. As long as the Helpful Hints/Life Hacks are available for reference, I am proud to be the Outstanding Duchess of Pizza.

  82. I live by the words of Sir Paul McCartney:
    I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

  83. The Magnificent Arch-Nemisis of Sucker Punching has not only approved this post, but has become a devoted follower.

    Time to glitter-bomb assholes, and put the phantom tollbooth and a fork in my bag. And Chocolate, which should have been there anyway.

  84. I realize supreme firebrand of leonine admonitions stetches the rules a bit but the ‘ine’ seems to make it…. maybe supreme firebrand of opal admonitions?

  85. I will donate my gravy as well as my bacon (can’t eat bacon for my other religion’s reasons!)

    Signed the Unorthodox Director of Snake Secrets.

  86. I’ve finally found a faith that’s right for me! Sign me up. Although I may not follow all of the tenants of Bloggessianism. Like Captain Barbosa says, they’re more guidelines than actual rules.

    Behold, I am the Noble Lord of Hedgehog Snogging.

  87. Been reading comments, and now every time I read the sentence “glitter bombing assholes” a completely different idea pops into my head. Like you said, you just can’t un-see it. (by the way, I SAW IT, and having a camp that hosts a lot of Korean events near my house….thanks bunches, it all looks like that when you see their signs)

  88. The Dreadful Duchess of Cat Snoggings, thank you very much. I went with plural because you can’t snog just one cat. You need to lead with “tiny cakes made for squirrels.” Sold.

  89. I, Alysha, the Cannoncial Overlord of Owl Spies hereby agree to follow the tenets of the Church of Bloggessianism.

  90. —-Jenny,
    when I said “Appear on my blog, ” I meant, I WANT to interview you! I’ve been known to beg, cry, stalk, & mail chocolate chip cookies or Saltine Toffeee! Seriously.

  91. My ex used to be in Devo…yeah, I am serious. He also designed a Mars habitat ship for manned space trips to the red planet. So far, they only use it in the Utah desert and Iceland, but…well…he was in Devo. Anyway, if you are really looking to be some kind of Pope, I think that the Devo hat might be pretty useful.

  92. I’m SO glad I joined the Church of Bloggessianism for so many reasons.

    1. I don’t have to wait for communion day to drink wine.
    2. Gravy. (I love that I don’t even have to explain this.)
    3. I already have a title, but every other church has refused to recognize it.

    I am Shelley J, High Snarktress of the Sisterhood of Cubicle Ninjas.

  93. I became the Mad Hugger in college to overcome my supreme shyness but I always coveted being a “stark raving beauty”. So now I can get them both. But my alter ego is Quilthugger, for those lazy days.

  94. Couple of suggestions for refinements to our Helpful Hints/Gentle Suggestions/Life Hacks:
    *Members may COVET their neighbor’s giant metal chicken, but may not STEAL said giant metal chicken..
    *Members may substitute beverages and food referred to in the Suggestions according to their own tastes/religions/12-step programs.

    I would like us to convene a global meeting/campout/revival meeting. We’d need to give everyone sufficient lead time, of course. FOR REALS. We may need more than one, given our worldwide membership I volunteer to be on the committee.

    (signed)
    Gail, Glorious Strangeling of Bloggessianist Tribalism

  95. I am in! I will also be posterizing (that needs to happen by someone with better skills than I!) and posting the Life Hacks for ease of reference and spending untold hours trying on various titles for fit and giggles.

  96. This is making my heart explode into a million tiny fairies and they’re all begging me to stop being too hard on myself…. Thank you for the whimsy. Thank you for the love. I adore you.

    (Also double Yay that my suggestions made it to your list of Life Hacks! :D)

    Love,
    Glorious Pixie of Nutella Break-Ups

  97. I am (and have always been) the High Minister of That Sound That Only Dogs Can Hear. You’re welcome. Also, I am moving to Costa Rica next year and will be a 20 minute drive from the Sloth Sanctuary, so I must have that card.

  98. I would have a pass phrase for each day ie: Tuesday could be “hold my beer, watch this”. Also important safety information to live by; such as, “don’t fry bacon naked”. Can we tithe with Godiva chocolate?

  99. Also, my name is “Part Time Sugar Plum Fairy” ’cause y’know, I have shit to do.

  100. I would like to appoint myself Grand High Priestess of Glitter Bombing. I shall serve proudly. After my nap.

  101. I am the Glittering General of Giraffe Gospels. Hope it pays better than School Office Manager. Gonna spend the extra money on a new desk nameplate. Can you call my boss about the mandatory nap thing? She doesn’t believe me.

  102. Wait, wait, WAIT. Something is very wrong with this picture.

    How have Rolly, Hunter S, and Ferris not yet received titles and roles/responsibilities in this new religion? Shouldn’t they get titles and responsibilities? I vote that Hunter S. be given the title of Most Eminent Badass. Ferris should get the title of Chief of the Travel and Leisure Department (first, because every religion should have a travel and leisure group or department. Second, that cat can seriously chill the fuck out. I still can’t get that picture of him on your staircase out of my head. But tell him that he really needs to cover up his (neutered) junk when he poses like that. It’s just common courtesy. Plus, he doesn’t want that photo to become a viral internet meme like Kim Kardashian’s ass photo).

    What title could Rolly have? I’m a bit stumped. I don’t know as much about him.

  103. I’ve decided that I shall be the Elegant Hooligan of Volcano Travel!
    Also this is the best religion ever, I’m completely in love with the life hacks. And shall do my best to follow them… but let’s be honest I’m terrible at remembering anything.

  104. Hmmm, I don’t know what this means but at first I read “Extra Gravity for Everyone” and I thought that was weirdly funny, as you are, and it was only later down the post that I read on the card “Extra Gravy for Everyone” and thought, well she spelled it wrong this time, it’s supposed to be gravity. And then I realized, everyone would like more gravy, and who wants more gravity. Sigh.
    ….Glittering Pixie of Banana Weaving

  105. After I finished laughing hysterically, I dubbed myself Furious Protector of Pizza Regulations.

  106. Today, I shall claim the title of Glittering Rapscallion of Wombat Trickery… because, well, why not? BTW, did you know wombats poop in cubes? I ran across that factoid last week and can’t stop telling people. It’s a sickness, but it’s ok, for today? I shall “Celebrate the Awkwarding!”

    Hey, can we have numbers/letters for these, so we can reference them, like chapter and verse? It could become our own little code. “No, sorry, but that’s against my religion, officer. Yes, I’m sure. See Tennant 42:DoubleChocolate.”

  107. Arch-nemesis book spy!
    I’m happier than I’ve been in months with that title. Your (our!) church is just fantastic.

    Another commandment:
    Thou shalt eat weird foods and not worry about judgy douche canoes.

  108. Arch-nemesis book spy!
    I’m happier than I’ve been in months with that title. Your (our!) church is just fantastic.

    Another commandment:
    Thou shalt eat weird foods and not worry about judgy douche canoes.

  109. I am Glittering Lady Unicorn of Attitudes. I would like to donate my gravy to the less gravied.

  110. Just because there has to be one in every group, “Saturday is now Caterday.” Would that be cater-day as in catered food because that would be ok. Or is it supposed to be Caturday, the day that cats take over the internet? I could go either way there, really. I’ll just go stand over there now.

    (It’s a day for cats or for catering, depending on your feelings that day. Just don’t get cat catering. Unless that’s catering to cats, instead of on them. ~ Jenny)

  111. Okay so if we have a meeting please make there be a West Coast meeting somewhere between Seattle and Vancouver BC that’s decently close to me and I could go but usually these kinds of meetings happen on the East Coast or Southern California and I could never make it so please make one on the northwest coast between Seattle and Vancouver. I said just Oakharbor Washington because it’s beautiful there and there’s lots of room for us to be crazy with an ocean view. Also I vote for nametags with our titles on them.

    Sincerely, the certified authority of sloth sleep. My tagline is going to be you can try to get in touch with me but I’m probably sleeping.

  112. About that mandatory bacon: can there be the option to substitute that with cheese? If not, sadly me being a vegetarian will keep me from joining Bloggessianism.

  113. Although I believe it is entirely David’s fault (whom else can we blame anyway?), but the double-apostropheed Choose Your Own Title had prematurely settled quite solidly in my brainstem, making it utterly impossible to bother with choosing anything remotely related to columns 1 thru 4. Since previously installing myself as the Chief Master Assistant Deputy Under-secretary for the Global Ministry of Liberal Sarcasm, I shall endeavor to uphold these philosophical tenets as well as anything else I have upheld.

  114. We brake for taxidermy. Also chocolate. And phantom Sasquatches.

    This feels more like a house sigil than a lifehack. XD

  115. Glittering Protector of Monkey Culture checking in. ARE ALL OF YOUR MONKEYS CULTURED? DO THEY GLITTER? Because if not, I’m gonna come round your house with a salt shaker full of glitter to glitter your monkey culture (which is NOT like a bacteria culture, but more like an opera-house sort of culture)
    (please note, no actually house visiting will be done #comingtoyourhousemeaslivingmine

    also can we have a new commandment please

    #commandment #hashtagsarealwaysfunny #especiallywhentheyretooobscureforhastaggingpurposes #orwhentheyreabouthashtaggingporpoises #porpoise

  116. Terrible Instigator of great white shark Persuasion asks: May I have a dogerday instead of caterday? I’m allergic.

  117. I’m joining, because I can get Cadbury mini eggs all year long and also because I can give my gravy away. I don’t like gravy.

  118. This is TOTALLY the religion for me! From the Phantom Sasquatches, to reading from The Phantom Tollbooth on the Sabbath, I’m all in.
    My title is Recognized Hooligan Of Blueberry Shaving – which is appropriate because my husband & I have TONS of blueberry bushes!

  119. After finally achieving success at getting an 8yo to brush her hair on her own in the morning (by virtue of letting her brush her stuffies as well), I’ll dub myself the Honorable Protector of Panda Grooming.

  120. As the Magnificent Pretender of Crow Judging, I shall be sending my feathered minions out to hang about on wires and in parking lots judging those who do not follow these tenets. Or at least I’ll pretend I’m doing that.

  121. I am and always shall be, The Grand Director Of Yellow Mongoose Cuddling. My day is complete. Now I shall go back to bed and read for the rest of the day.

  122. I shall henceforth and evermore (well, maybe not evermore, cuz I am a woman and can change my mind as much as I damn-well please, thank you very much) be referred to as the Grand High Pretender of Honey Badger Winking. I added the “Honey” cuz “Honey Badger don’t give a shit” and well, most days that sums me up perfectly!
    I sure wish I had my I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card when I was at the Dallas Aquarium in September as iwasthisclose to a real live sloth but the sign said “Don’t touch the sloth”. What nerve! I coulda whipped out my card and said “suck this, now move outta my way cuz that sloth is in need of some serious holding!”

  123. Today’s Random (awesome) Title: (I now have another daily “must do” – – thanks)

    Canonical Authority Of Grub Spies

  124. I would like to apply for the position Official Keeper of the (David) Tennant. Please ship him via police box as soon as possible.

  125. Noble Chief Of Lemon Shark Break-Ups here…Now I get to sit at work and decide if I am “responsible” for the Lemon Shark break-ups…like, am I a lemon shark home wrecker? Or do I get to make the final ruling on if a lemon shark couple should break up? Cause that seems like a LOT of responsibility…Or, perhaps I break-up lemon shark fights? Cause that seems bad ass…

  126. The name generator is fantastic. I approve of my new title: Noble Firebrand of Lobster Accidents

    I must notify the world of the sea-roaches and their misadventures!

  127. Just had some extra gravy this morning. I think that means I’ve officially converted!

  128. The Furious Anarchist Of Protozoan Discipline demands that you keep your single cell organisms in line. OR ELSE

  129. The random generator for the win!: Recognized Pretender Of Giant Squid Promotion

    It is like it knows me!

  130. Please let me know what hymns the chickens need to sing on holidays. I have some ideas, most of them involving cheese, but would like input from the officials. Thanks! -Infallible Director of Chicken Gospels

  131. I am so glad to have a title. I am now Noble Overlord Of Cashew Appreciation. Cashews need more love you see and need more air time, we need to bring them to the news!

  132. As always your post made my day. I needed a little more silly in my life this week. Thanks!

    Grand High Predicant Of Beans Appreciation

  133. I love this church and shall celebrate with a Doctor Who marathon.

    Strong hugs and sloppy kisses, Distinguished Overlord Of Tiger Shark Cultivation

  134. Commandment: Help Polydactal Cats Stay Off Heroin.
    Commandment: Remember, Your dazzle is out there!

    With much love and frivolity,
    Imperial Superintendent of Cake Weaving

  135. According to the random generator, I’m the “Royal Pixie of Pear Spies”. I can’t even begin to imagine what my duties would be.

  136. My title is Official Taterpuff Wrangler [Taterpuff as in my cat, but also tater tots]. I promise to show the very highest responsibility in terms of belly rubbins and tail tickles, and decree that tater tots shall be made free for all members of the Church, for a given value of ‘free’ which in this case is ‘what your local store charges’.

  137. I have to print a card because what could be better than the title of Rogue Pixie of Cupcake Grooming? Ha, ha!

  138. Certified Chief of Sandwich Travel

    Awesome! Now you all can be assured that the travel of your sandwiches will be safe, and will never be soggy!

  139. Thou shall get your slow ass out of the fast lane. <— My official life motto.

    Suze, Baronial Superintendent of Chipmunk Attitudes
    (those chipmunks better get their 'tudes in order! cracks whip)

  140. Just noticed that Column 2 is missing “Empress” as an option. I hereby claim the right to use “Empress” as an option because Fuck it, I’m fabulous.

    Therefore: I am the Glittering Empress of Travel Snogging.

  141. Coming up with a title will take a few days. However, how about a suggestion of “do no harm to animals unless it is a giant squid; they shall be served up as a sacrifice at every available opportunity.”

  142. Okay, so… Monday I was at the hospital for a CT scan of my head (because my sinuses are assholes and the doctor told me I might have an infection in my brain…which turned out not to be the case, but it scared the snot weasels out of me nonetheless)…anyway, when I was checking in at the fabtastic little outpatient check-in counter, the lady asked me for my religion. She didn’t bat an eye when I first declared myself a Bloggessianist…but she quickly questioned my choice when she couldn’t find it on her drop-down list. I had to settle for a classification of “Other.” This made me sad. 🙁

  143. Magnificent Custodian of Bandicoot Declarations here. Collecting declarations about our marsupial friends so I can guard them closely.
    Also, I’m really curious about our friend LOIS – did she get tough? Has she taken her newfound toughness back to middle school?

  144. Henceforth, I shall be known as the Approved Lord of Shrew Fundamentals.
    SMELL MY WRATH!!
    Or smell a shrew. Whatever works for you.

  145. My wife and I are having entirely to much fun with this!
    Sincerely,
    The Grand Dutchess and Imperial Overlord of Scissoring and Bondage

  146. As the Canonical Firebrand of Pika Cuddling, I can only assume I am a very passionate bloggessian zealot who loves cuddling pikachus. And that’s all fairly accurate really.

  147. Thank you for the Random Generator – I’m bad at decisions. “Grand High Duchess of Ravioli Travel”

  148. Thanks for the Random Generator – I am really bad at decisions
    “Grand High Duchess of Ravioli Travel”

  149. “The only weapons we believe in are books and we believe in heavily arming everyone.”
    So much love for this commandment/life hack. I’m less keen on the mandatory onesies on christmas. Mostly because I don’t own a onesie. Is it enoughif I just admire those who do have onesies?

  150. I’m more than a little frightened of my auto-generated name: Distinguished Commando of Banana Scissoring. It sounds painful. For other people, not me. But still.

  151. Koo Koo Kanga Roo is our heavenly choir.

    Love,
    The Notorious G.O.D. (General of One-of-Everything Dogma)
    Codename: Transcendent Mastermind Of Agouti Walking
    Reports to the Big Turk-E
    Also Kirk Cameron, pre-religious fervor. Show me that smile again.

  152. As the highly-regarded Royal Strangeling of Acorn Squash Cultivation, I’d like to add the following Sacred Life Hack:
    It is perfectly acceptable in any situation to say that an infant is so cute that you would like to “eat his/her face off” (including “with gravy,” or any other variation), without fear of being automatically labeled “cannibal.”

  153. I am know to be known as The ‘Glittering Authority Of Mole Sauce Bondage’.

    AWESOME.

    Although ‘Mole Sauce’ gives me pause. Before I accept the honour of this title, one MUST ask: is this sauce made OF moles or sauce FROM moles… because there’s a big difference, just imagine if someone offered you Man Sauce. Y’know, you’d check first 😉

  154. Formal Director Of Cancer Cleaning fits since I am a cancer biologist and spend part of everyday cleaning cancer cell media. Truly this is a sign.

  155. I had so much fun with the random generator!!! At one point I was the Accredited Pixie of Cook Tasting and I read it as “cock tasting” and then my head exploded. Thanks for that, please pass the gravy.
    Cheers & awkward side-hugs,
    Sanctioned Overlord Of Hummingbird Communication

  156. Baronial General of Soda Sleep. Random generator, indeed. But unless and until I come up with something … else … so be it. I believe it’s naptime.

  157. What about “really strong suggestions”, or “things my religion tells me I’m supposed to do”? That last one doesn’t sound quite as mandatory and scary as commandment but then you can tell people it’s one of the “things my religion tells me I’m supposed to do.” Feel free to replace supposed to with should.

  158. I’m so happy to be the Unorthodox Czar of Triceratops Cuddling!
    I love Triceratopses.
    (That’s probably not the correct plural form? … New Bloggessianism Life Hack: The plural of Triceratops is Triceratöps. I love Triceratöps.)

  159. I got: Illicit Knave of flatworm Snogging from the “random title generator.” I’ll accept everything but the flatworm. I’ll snog pretty much anything but a worm. That’s….kinda a deal breaker. Maybe “Illicit Knave of Unicorn snogging.” done.

  160. Um, excuse me? Hi, sorry to bother, but I have my new title and I think there’s been a mistake. I’m the Endorsed Premier of Bacon Elimination. I… I can’t eliminate…I mean, BACON… Is there an HR department, or really a BR department, I can speak with? This is very upsetting…

  161. I, the Glorious Director of Thyme Shaving, gratefully accept membership in this most fabulous of religious entities. But I’m keeping my gravy. Bless you all, strangelings….

  162. “If I tell you, I will have to bedazzle you with my glitter wand” so says she the Glittering Director of ringtail possum Secrets.

  163. Glittering Overlord of Sea Turtle Spies. Yep, I down with being a loyal member of the Church of Bloggessianism!

  164. I was worried that I would not be able to join your religion because I really do not like gravy. But, you saved the day when I could give mine to someone else! Thank you. Also, I am bad at making decisions on a snap basis so the name generator saved my life.
    Forever your disciple,
    Malinda. Rogue Director Of Peach Concepts.

  165. I knew I was right to wear jammies in public. Love, Terrible Rapscallion of Utahraptor Communication.

  166. The Accredited Czar of a Rice Pudding Agendas officially suggests commandment addition as follows: Though shall not use the word “Panties” unless chastising someone for using the word “Panties”. Let’s face it, it’s a creepy ass word generally used by creepy people.

  167. Finally a religion that makes sense! I shall live up to all expectations of my new title with gusto!
    Sincerely,
    The Legal Czar of Buns Admonitions

  168. I just told hubby that he is an official member too since we are married and he must pick his title. He said he is the Viceroy of He Who Vernaculates With Bloggess Vernacular. Which is much better than Earl of Missing Testicle, but maybe not so much…as introducing yourself with the testicle title at a dinner party will surely stimulate conversation, right?

  169. I almost went with the Unorthodox Strangeling of Cinnamon Sucker-Punches, and that might be my secondary name. But the next one to randomly generate was totally me.

    Endorsed Lady of Tadpole Gospels.

    Yup. That’s awesome. In honour of finally finding my proper title, I’m no longer going to do the extra work I brought home and instead, I’m going to relax and do it tomorrow morning. Yay!

    Also, I bequeath my gravy, most times, to those in need. Except if I need vegetarian gravy for my fries. Then it’s mine, bitches.

  170. So, I liked the name I initially gave myself, because I used to be a practicing Orthodox Christian, so it kind of makes sense that in Bloggessianism, I should be an UNOrthodox something or other. AND, I think there should be someone around to instigate platypus cuddling whenever possible, because those little guys are so darn cute.

    But then your friend’s random name thingy gave me the title of Legal Knave Of Gorilla Fundamentals. Which also works because I am a lawyer, so being a Legal something or other seems fitting. But I’m a bit confused about what gorilla fundamentals are. Would that mean things like letting my knuckles drag on the ground when I walk, and shit like that?

    So I will spend most of this evening not getting any sleep, pondering which name to go with.

  171. Furious Pixi of Artichoke Judging — I had no idea this would be perfect for me, and yet it is.

  172. As the Unorthodox Director Of Dip Travel, I you for taking the hassle out of selecting my new name. And to make me love you even more, you have given me the option of randomly selecting a new name when this one doesn’t fit! Peace and gravy to you all!

  173. Darn, I tried the generator again and now love my new title even better! Henceforth, I shall be known as the Outstanding Director Of Porcupine Grooming!

  174. Sublime Agitator of Corn Snake Scissoring, hmmm does this mean i’m in charge of upsetting snakes that are mid coitus? Done and done!!!

  175. I’m either the regal blackguard of unread page elimination or the transcendent lady of peace cultivation. I guess depending on my mood for the day.

  176. Thou shalt not shalt others – love it!
    Rogue Advisor of locust Cuddling

  177. I like that generator…Accredited Custodian Of Mutton Spies has a ring to it that even supreme firebrand of the opal admonitions lacked. Now I just have to figure out what a mutton spy is and how to custos it

  178. I just refreshed the generator about 10 times. My last, and favorite, title: Honorable Superintendent of Fiddler Crab Appreciation. Sounds good to me! 😉

  179. Dear Pope Notorious Lion Whisperer. Im confused. My new faith means I wish to follow the commandments, but if I follow the commandments it means I CANT follow thy commandments. Specifically ‘thou shalt not take advice from someone with bad eyebrows’. In good conscience I must confess that you, dear pope, creator of commandments, have bad eyebrows. Eeek. They’re kind of hooked. And a bit thin. I never would have said anything but now it’s a matter of religious piety. Forgive me For I have sinned, or not sinned? A brow makeover for you? Amen.

  180. Oh I am loving the name generator!
    Kind regards,
    Brilliant Premier Of Straw Winking (I’m pretty sure that means I am magical!)

  181. As Royal Duchess of Bacon Tasting I can honestly say that I have been searching for a religion such as this my entire life and couldn’t be more excited to find it now.

  182. This is fantastic. I finally have a title I can be proud of.
    Thank you,
    Approved Premier Of Jalapeno Training

  183. It is I, Prominent Ambassador of Ocelot Cleaning; bring me your ocelots, I will make sure they sparkle. This new title makes me feel like I need a cape.

    P.s. Thanks for making me smile yet again, Jenny. Please pass the gravy (and the ocelots)!

  184. I’m the Grand High Rapscallion of Harpy Eagle Running…. Love it! Thank you for the smila today, really needing it.

  185. My randomly-generated name is Eminent Custodian of Oil Communication. Which is super weird to the point of being creepy, because I work for an oil company. And that name would be a perfect job title for me.

  186. Although… the generator gave me “Canonical Lord Of Panther Communication” and I like that, too.

  187. I need to taste EVERY tortilla out there people, coz I am now the Formal Custodian Of Tortilla Deconstruction. Every single tortilla, y’hear? Please pass the salsa. And gravy.

  188. Picking for myself, I’m quite fond of “Magnificent Pixie of Cat Secrets.”

    Using the random generator, however, I am: “Glorious Protector of hot dog Cultivation”

  189. I am in; DatDamWuf, Magnificent Wuf of Procrastination

    er the random generator disagrees but it came close! Canonical Ambassador Of Snail Training

  190. Though this post brightened my day, I was still far too crabby and my mind just a little to squishy today to come up with my own title. Off to the random generator and I’ve been named:
    Honorable Loose Cannon of Sour Cream Accidents
    I’m not sure if I should laugh or be offended, but then I remember- It is always better to laugh. Besides, I have had a few sour cream accidents in my life. Perhaps the generator is not so random, after all, eh?

  191. My randomly generated title is Honorable Lord of Rhode Island red Tasting though I think I still prefer Legal Advisor of Pizza Canon.

    Gravy pizza perhaps?

  192. “Time is a “wibbly wobbly concept” and therefore deadlines are portals that must be avoided unless we’re okay with being trapped in a rift.” I am an Aquarius. I don’t like being trapped, especially in rifts… I’ve seen those episodes. And the only tenant is David Tenant, emphasis on the ten… I can totally get down with this religious experience.

  193. Notorious Lord of Bear Running. At first, I mistook it for Bare Running. Good thing the neighbors weren’t home when I tried my new name out!

  194. I had to try the random generator 4 times to get just the right title. You may all address me as the Recognized Loose Cannon Of Loris Culture. You’re welcome. 🙂

  195. Make way for The Imperial Pretender of African Wild Cat Whispering!!! Or not, it’s up to you. There’s nothing better than a nice relaxed religion. Bloggessianism is pretty danged wonderful that way.

  196. Woman! I think you know not what you create and how in many, many years from now after we are all gone, there will be stories told of us all, churches built in they honor and factories opened for the sole purpose of creating both regular and vegetarian gravy. Thus sayeth I, The Illustrious Lady Of Avocado, Cheese and Pickle Sandwhiches.

  197. Whenever I have to fill in form that request my occupation, instead of writing Stay At Home Mother, I can now write Noble Instigator of Bakewell Tart And Custard Indoctrination. Make it so!