It’s not what it looks like.

This morning my friend Kevin sent me this picture.  Because it reminded him of me:

chicken-baby-alien-thing

And then I vowed never to speak to Kevin again because I’m pretty much unoffendable but there is actually a line and that line is babies-being-impaled by-penises-through-their-solar-plexuses and I was all “THAT SHIT IS DISTURBING, KEVIN. NEVER EMAIL ME AGAIN” but then he called me and was like “What’s wrong with you?” and I’m all “What is wrong with you?! Why would you even send me that?” and he’s all “Um…because it’s hysterical?” and I yelled “YOU SICK FUCK” and then he took me off speaker-phone and was all “Why are you yelling at me? This is totally your kind of thing” and I screamed “OBVIOUSLY YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL, KEVIN” and then he was like “Hang on…you think that’s a penis, don’t you?” and I was all “um…yes, because it is a penis” and he was like “WTF, Jenny? Have you ever even seen a penis?  Penises don’t have teeth” and I was all “You are making this worse.” And then he sighed and demanded that I go look at the picture again.  And I did.

And it turns out I owe Kevin an apology because it’s actually a baby in a chicken suit with an alien bursting out of his belly, which I kind of understand because when my kid was that age we put her in a cow costume and I was all “Something’s missing. Probably some sort of phallic alien eating through the baby’s sternum”. So this is me, alien baby parents, applauding you. Also, in the future I’d appreciate it if any pictures sent to me had a disclaimer stating “This is not a penis”.  Unless it is a penis.  Then maybe don’t send that picture.  Unless it’s a penis I really need to see.  I don’t know.  Just use your best judgement.  There aren’t any formal rules on this sort of thing.

*********************************

On a completely unrelated note, I didn’t do my weekly wrap-up on Sunday because something more important came up so I’m adding it here:

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche canoe):

    This week on the internets:

    • This blog was named a finalist in the 2010 Bloggies for Best Writing on a blog and Most Humorous blog.  Immediately afterward I posted about my friend trying to commit suicide and then the post right after that contains possibly the most poorly-written conversation about aliens-that-look-like-penises ever published.  People finding my blog for the first time are probably very confused right now.

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    Comment of the day: I prefer my version.  (My daughter was not harmed in the making of this photo.) ~ Pete

    95 thoughts on “It’s not what it looks like.

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Listen, if you’re blog was nominated in any category you deserve to win over all the others because you are AWESOME. I had to read this whole post out loud to my boyfriend and usually he doesn’t laugh at things that I find on the internet but he laughed at this post. And he now wants that costume for our kid. I don’t think it would fit him though because he’s three now.
      Thank you Jenny for being so damn hilarious, and starting my day off with a good laugh.
      .-= Randa´s last blog ..Creepy Dreams =-.

    2. That’s exactly what my stomach feels like this morning after eating a pound a brussel sprouts for dinner and drinking a bottle of wine.

    3. Ok…that totally looks like a penis, but…I understood the reference. However, I am now going to use the disclaimer :”This is not a penis” every time I whip my junk out to see if it keeps me out of trouble. With the disclaimer does that make a difference? This does not bode well for me.
      .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..You guys scare me =-.

    4. My daughter said that picture was “horrible”. But then we clarified it to horrible in a “I laughed so hard I cried and maybe peed a little” way. Which really isn’t horrible at all. Unless you’re the one cleaning up the pee.

      ♥Spot
      .-= Spot´s last blog ..Did I say Lazy?? Whatev… =-.

    5. I’m speechless. That doesn’t happen…well, ever. Until now. Good job.
      Also, I’m glad you’re passing along the Sleep Talkin Man link. I think you may want to become bffs with that guy.
      Also also, maybe I missed something, but what the fuck happened to Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal?
      .-= Ambry´s last blog ..OH HI!!! =-.

    6. I’m still trying to figure out why it was necessary to dress the kid as a chicken first. Seems to me it just waters down the “penis coming out of the chest cavity” theme.

      Upside: That child won’t even have to talk during future therapy sessions. It can just provide a slide show of early childhood photo ops.

    7. EWWWWW… that so totally takes me back to the original Alien movie… those little suckers were creepy to the Mc Max!! Love the kids expression- it makes the pic!! 🙂
      .-= Barb´s last blog ..Anonymous…BITE.ME =-.

    8. By the baby’s expression, I think he was thinking the same thing as you.

      Now I’ve probably offended the baby’s parents, who are like, “It’s OBVIOUS that she’s a girl.” Unless he’s a boy. Then they’re not offended.
      .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Book Arsenal I =-.

    9. OMFG Jenny – I mean seriously WTF!?!
      What I’m about to say has absolutely nothing to do with this post but… I can’t find any other f-ing way to get an email through to you. This could possibly imply 2 things: (1) I’m an fucking idiot and can’t seem to find a button that says “email the bloggess” or, (2) you don’t want to get an email from me. If option 2 is correct, I will be quickly developing a gigundus (and that’s BIGGER than ginormous) complex that will set me on an self exploration spiral to determine what’s so fucked up about me that you won’t accept my emails. Let’s explore option 1 (I’m an fucking idiot and can’t seem to find a button that says “email the bloggess”) – please respond with the actual location of the button if it, in fact, exists so that I can stop cursing your name and pulling my hair out in clumps.

      BTW… this has all been a long, round-a-bout way of asking… what is the status of the book that you quit your job to write?

      Jennifer

    10. Is this the same Kevin you mentioned in your sex column? The one who needs “to put on hip-waders just to get through all this vagina”? Because if so, I’m pretty sure your first reaction was correct. That chicken-baby totally just got radished.
      .-= Evn´s last blog ..Overprotection Sets In =-.

    11. Congratulations on being a bloggies finalist. Frogpondsrock (who knighted Sir James Garfield a few weeks back?)(http://frogpondsrock.com) is a finalist for Best Australian and yes, I am pimping her a little bit, because I love her like that.

      [Also, because if I don’t, she may refuse to babysit my daughter when I need her to, seeing as she is my mother and all that.]
      .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Newspaper =-.

    12. I think your site hates me (or you do…how did you figure out it was me that, never mind…that’s not important). I’ve been trying to leave a comment for the past hour and the stupid little spinny firefox thing just kept spinning. Finally it’s letting me type (stupid Firefox). Any way to make a long story short (too late) I have to ask? Ummmm…penises aren’t supposed to have teeth? Then what have I been…? Uh oh…ummmm…gotta go…
      .-= lanned´s last blog ..No country for bad internet =-.

    13. Wow. I missed it. I thought you were offended because from the look on the baby’s face the lady has her right hand in the baby’s butt. Clearly.

      Sorry. I’ll go look again. But somebody better explain the look on that kids face! STAT!!!!

    14. Holy hell. I’ve got penis blindness or something. I glanced at that photo and totally missed the bloody mess sticking out of the child.

      How do you suppose you cure a case of penis blindness? I’m hoping it involves tequila.

    15. Huh…I though that was a penis too. Must be because either A) the dicks ive seen have in fact had teeth or B) its been so long since Ive seen a penis Ive completely forgotten what one looks like (Calm down sickos–Im not asking to see your penis–Im good with not remembering.)
      .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..Consideration =-.

    16. Penis…Peni…the plural of penis is Dicks… any way, Penises and Aliens are like synonyms for me I am not sure which is better but they both seem to want to live in me…yeah I know totally inappropriate but so am I. Inappropriate and unprepared as usual. Yet I still have an affinity for both so I really loved this picture as disturbing as it is. It made me feel at home.

    17. you said douche canoe.
      that…is the funniest thing i’ve ever heard…or read. not sure why though. maybe because i’m slap happy? i dunno but it’s really funny.
      and that chicken suit totally looks like a willy the one eyed wonder worm…with teeth.
      yep. sure does.
      .-= melissa´s last blog ..Sometimes I Just Have To Brag =-.

    18. Screw whatever that is trying to burst out of little baby wee wee’s chest….the kid’s facial expression makes the pic absolutely priceless…

      It’s almost like he/she is saying…”WTF! If this isn’t a joke God….and these are really my parents….I’m fucked….”
      .-= Roschelle´s last blog ..The P is for Philanderer NOT Pimp =-.

    19. So my boss walked by as I was reading this post, and gave me the most fucked up look. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m into baby porn.

    20. First of all, that kid’s face is priceless. Second, I TOTALLY thought it was a penis, and just assumed that someone as sick as putting a kid in a chicken suit to be impaled by a penis WOULDNT THINK TWICE about giving that penis teeth. Just sayin’.
      Secondl, that is a lot of fuckin’ effort to go through to take a picture of your kid, in a chicken suit, with an alien coming out of him, and for what reason? I’m guessing Halloween. And later that kid’s parents are gonna be like ”look at how cute you were then!!” and that kid is gonna be like ”WTF Is wrong with you people?!? What is that?! IS THAT A PENIS!? OMG MOM YOU’RE FREAKIN SICK!” Therapy is where that kid is heading. Therapy.
      That said it is hilarious tbh. xx
      .-= mesina´s last blog ..How to make his Valentine’s memorable =-.

    21. Sick! This is just sick! I mean, seriously? I know the parents thought it was funny, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s just S-I-C-K! You can’t do something like that to a child!

      Dressing a boy as a chicken is essentially turning him into a bully magnet, for Pete’s sake! The poor boy is going to be wedgied and nipple turled all the way through college like this! SICK!

      Cool alien though!
      .-= Roberto Teixeira´s last blog ..A Decade as a Linux Pro =-.

    22. When you get a cold you should try Chicken Penis soup. It will make you feel better.
      It is not soup made from Chicken penises. It is soup made from Chicken AND Penises. Like Chicken Noodle soup…although I am sure there is Chicken penises in there, did you ever see how they make that soup? Now that I think about it the soup probably will not make you feel better.

      Just have the penis.
      .-= William´s last blog ..Fake Hurry Up Shuffle =-.

    23. Jenny,

      YOU ARE AWESOME!

      TRULY AWESOME… and right now, i want to just get on that fucking plane, come down… give you one tight HUG and come back…. ‘cos my three months old is yelling to latch on again.

      i really am proud of you…. not always, like with this pic…. ewwww…. oh gosh, ewwww again…. apart from that, you REALLY are awesome! thats like three awesomes in less than 300 words.

      -nee
      .-= neers´s last blog ..sum of now and then some…. =-.

    24. I thought it was supposed to be a knife but then it looked more like a large turd, which didn’t make sense because it couldn’t cause that much tissue damage. I had no idea why you were upset: I didn’t think it could be child endangerment. Then when I looked closer, I saw that it was the chestburster from the Alien movies. Classic! It almost makes me want to have kids just so I can dress them up in silly costumes. Not just on Halloween, though. Every day. It’s prbably a good thing I don’t have kids.
      .-= kathcom´s last blog ..My Problem with Twitter and Facebook =-.

    25. I just though it was an evolution from vagina dentata because, supposedly, anything girls can do boys can do better…by shoving their toothed penis through a wide-eye’d toddler in a chicken costume.
      .-= Lagunatic´s last blog ..Would you rather…. =-.

    26. The best thing about the picture is the baby’s expression. He’s all “WTF?!?” AND he’s got an alien/penis with teeth exploding from his sternum. Perfection.

    27. I don’t understand why the person who sent it to you thinks it reminds him of you. You aren’t a chicken. You don’t have an alien ripping out of your chest. You don’t walk around with a surprised freaked out look on your face. Unless you are and do. Then never mind.
      .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Tooltalk: Let’s Compare Screwguns! =-.

    28. Look at that darling little terrified bebe!

      I can see how, at first glance, the alien looks like a penis. Of course, some penises look like aliens…

    29. In the 1979 Alien,the scene had originally called for an alien penis to jump out of Rigg’s stomach but Sigourney Weaver said there was no way she would share a scene with an alien shaft. Cameron caved and rewrote the scene. In fact, he had to change the entire biology of the hostile alien race to make the Riggs scene make sense. Weaver’s insistence probably saved James Cameron’s career. At least it saved “Alien” which was originally entitled, “Attack of the Alien Penises”.

    30. It kind of looks like a stake driven through the heart of a baby nosferatu, except that’s a really big hole and also the stake has a head on it which looks penisy. I’m just sayin’.

      I’m glad you were nominated for a Bloggy because that upped my votes to a whopping THREE. Seriously, I don’t read most of the blogs that were nominated. And I’m a film blogger and haven’t even heard of the film/TV blogs nominated. In short, you should win best film blog.
      .-= Stacia´s last blog ..Recently Watched: The Blackbird (1926) =-.

    Leave a Reply

    %d bloggers like this: