This morning my friend Kevin sent me this picture. Because it reminded him of me:
And then I vowed never to speak to Kevin again because I’m pretty much unoffendable but there is actually a line and that line is babies-being-impaled by-penises-through-their-solar-plexuses and I was all “THAT SHIT IS DISTURBING, KEVIN. NEVER EMAIL ME AGAIN” but then he called me and was like “What’s wrong with you?” and I’m all “What is wrong with you?! Why would you even send me that?” and he’s all “Um…because it’s hysterical?” and I yelled “YOU SICK FUCK” and then he took me off speaker-phone and was all “Why are you yelling at me? This is totally your kind of thing” and I screamed “OBVIOUSLY YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL, KEVIN” and then he was like “Hang on…you think that’s a penis, don’t you?” and I was all “um…yes, because it is a penis” and he was like “WTF, Jenny? Have you ever even seen a penis? Penises don’t have teeth” and I was all “You are making this worse.” And then he sighed and demanded that I go look at the picture again. And I did.
And it turns out I owe Kevin an apology because it’s actually a baby in a chicken suit with an alien bursting out of his belly, which I kind of understand because when my kid was that age we put her in a cow costume and I was all “Something’s missing. Probably some sort of phallic alien eating through the baby’s sternum”. So this is me, alien baby parents, applauding you. Also, in the future I’d appreciate it if any pictures sent to me had a disclaimer stating “This is not a penis”. Unless it is a penis. Then maybe don’t send that picture. Unless it’s a penis I really need to see. I don’t know. Just use your best judgement. There aren’t any formal rules on this sort of thing.
On a completely unrelated note, I didn’t do my weekly wrap-up on Sunday because something more important came up so I’m adding it here:
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche canoe):
This week on the internets:
- This blog was named a finalist in the 2010 Bloggies for Best Writing on a blog and Most Humorous blog. Immediately afterward I posted about my friend trying to commit suicide and then the post right after that contains possibly the most poorly-written conversation about aliens-that-look-like-penises ever published. People finding my blog for the first time are probably very confused right now.
- Sleep talkin’ man
- “Uhura has actual lines? Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here.”