I’m way too whiney to think of a witty title for this right now.

zombie baby

So the other day I cut through the park on the way to an appointment when I see these babies and I’m like Oh my God, those are the cutest babies ever but where are their parents and OH HOLY SHIT.


And that’s when I’m all “Fuck.  That baby is a goddamn zombie”.  Fantastic.  Oh, and now the other baby is infected and it’s a zombie too.  Fucking great. Awesome.  That’s exactly what I needed today was to be stalked by two zombie babies.  I mean it’s not that big of a deal because they can’t walk yet so I just have to keep shoving their heads away from me with my shoe, except what the hell do I do now?  It’s not like I can kill a baby.  Even a zombie one.  And where the hell are their parents anyway and why is this my problem? GET OFF ME BABIES. And then a police officer shows up and is all “IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE, MA’AM AND WHY ARE YOU KICKING BABIES?!”

And I’m like “No officer, there’s not a problem.  I’m just kicking these babies because they’re fucking zombies.  And it’s really less of a ‘kick’ than it is a ‘benign but effective defensive maneuver’.  What? No, actually I’m not going to lay down on the ground with my hands behind my head because that’s where the zombie babies are.”  And then I got distracted because the officer was being an asshole and that’s when one of the babies chewed through my Achilles tendon.

So long story short?  Yeah. I had a terrible day.

PS.  This post is really just a metaphor for the kind of day I’m having because someone sent me that picture and he was all “I thought this would cheer you up” and I’m all “THESE ZOMBIE BABIES ARE FUCKED UP.  STOP SENDING ME THIS SHIT” and my friend implied that I have emotional problems for immediately jumping to the conclusion that the baby was a zombie but I have an excuse because I’m dying.  And yes, that’s a slight exaggeration but not by much because I’m taking this chemo drug for my rheumatoid arthritis and it’s making me throw up a lot and and the outside of the bottle is all “YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE“.

Actual text meant to scare the shit out of you, I assume:

“Some side effects of methotrexate may cause death. You should only take methotrexate to treat life-threatening cancer, or certain other conditions that are very severe and that cannot be treated with other medications”

Which sounds ungood, right?  But actually my arthritis has been in a remission for the last couple months so technically the worst part was just the treatment itself because it makes me throw up all the time.  So last week I convinced my doctor to cut my 10 pill dose down to 8 pills which was awesome because I stopped throwing up but then I woke up this morning and I can barely walk.  Awesome.  And what really sucks is that NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHY THIS DRUG WORKS.  They’re guessing it *may* work because it fucks up your immune system and keeps cells from growing properly so your body attacks your immune system instead of your joints.  Because who needs a working immune system when you have an autoimmune disease that makes you so sick that your best option is to take a drug that can kill you?  Basically it’s like being stabbed in the neck to take your mind off your stubbed toe.  And that’s why today my feet feel like tiny zombies have been gnawing on them.  See what I did there?  Full circle. Moral:  Rheumatoid arthritis is worse than being attacked by baby zombies.  I think someone has said that before.  Probably Hemingway.

Comment of the day: I think this is just evolution in action: the big baby is going straight for the brain, & the little one is trying to figure out how to eat a SHOE. I’m assuming survival of the fittest works for zombies.  I mean they’re technically dead, right? I’m confusing myself now. ~ Drolgerg

177 thoughts on “I’m way too whiney to think of a witty title for this right now.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Hemmingway’s got nothing on you…… 😉 And couldn’t you just give them baby zombie bottles full of like powdered-brains? I mean, formula’s supposed to be just as good right? So there’s your solution.

  2. Yes, but zombies are crazy strong. Like, they can rip people’s arms off without even flexing so technically a zombie baby would have enough jaw strength to break the skin with THEIR GUMS ALONE. Yeah. I’ve totally thought this out.

  3. i love ur blog posts. I especially love laughing outloud to posts that contain the F$%^ word numerous times, especially at work, in a cube farm. It’s a fabulous feeling to laugh outloud in a cube farm. At the F-word. Yes, I can’t type-out the F-word, and when I say it I whisper it. Even when talking with good friends.

  4. I love that picture. I think that’s what happens to babies when you leave them in front of the TV with some of those weird low budget kids shows that look like they were made in someone’s basement with character costumes designed by that “rubs the lotion on the skin” guy from Silence of the Lambs.

    Hope your days get better. Health problems suck. Vomiting sucks. Baby zombies, however, do not suck, and neither do you. Thank you for the laughs, as always.

  5. I kept hoping that the chemo-and-rheumatoid-arthritis thing was part of the gag. Sounds like it isn’t. Suck. I’m sorry to hear that.

    And, yeah, it sounds like it’s worse than zombie babies; at least zombie babies have some real entertainment value. I’m guessing rheumatoid arthritis = not so much.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Do the chickens have large talons? =-.

  6. And having rheumatoid arthritis and being a zombie would be a good book or fox show (when zombie babies attack) it would suck in terms of the throwing up & total lack of scientific understanding of how to treat both the RA & the ZS (that’s an abbreviation for zombie syndrome).

    I’m also pretty sure that my baby is a zombie. In fact, I’m sure of. I hope he eats Hubby’s brain first because I really have work that I need to finish.

    and *hugs* hope it DOES get better.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..The Craigslist Killer is Causing My Kids to Poop Play-doh =-.

  7. Ironically, I have recently broken my tailbone (self-diagnosed, of course) which TOTALLY took my mind off my stubbed toe, which I swore was broken, but apparently was not. I love getting these injuries in places that nothing can be done for.
    .-= Julie B.´s last blog ..These Kids of Mine =-.

  8. Babies are scary anyway. I wouldn’t doubt it. They suck out your soul, so why not your brains?

    When I had my first daughter, I tried to get the doctor to just keep sewing. Told him I didn’t need the damn thing because I wouldn’t be doing *that* again. No such luck.

    Sorry you’re feeling poopy. Maybe you could use the powdered baby zombies for a tisane…

  9. I want a zombie baby as a pet. I’d keep it in one of those little cat carrier kennels and I’d let it out when those door to door Jesus sellers come to my house and they’d be all OMGosh! (cuz they don’t take the lords name in vain) What a cute baby! And I’d be all “you can hold it if you want to” and then my zombie baby would totally bite those chumps and I’d have to behead them but that’s okay because who even likes those guys? No one, that’s who and then I’d use a Grabbit as seen on TV to cram the zombie baby back in its kennel and go have a glass of wine because that would be exhausting.
    .-= miss thystle´s last blog ..Soapbox =-.

  10. Good point–and you know actually now that I think about it–they’d probably adapt. I mean vampire babies have to be born with fangs, otherwise how else are they going to eat. It’s such a complicated topic and could probably be debated for hours on end.
    .-= gingela5´s last blog ..Empty Calories–I love you… =-.

  11. I have rheumatoid arthritis too and I swear it’s non-contagious AIDS. Which is why I drink.

    You should move to Canada. Better drugs, even the illegal ones, which aren’t illegal, they’re “decriminalized.”
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..Spaghetti squash latkes. =-.

  12. on the bright side, all the puking is probably keeping you nice & skinny! (sorry i’m an asshole, hope you feel better soonest)

  13. We are like sisters in pain today man. Only mine’s only shingles so I think you win the suffering ribbon. And yes, there was a contest – don’t act all innocent and “non-competitive”.

    Seriously – love you and am sorry your all cripp’ed and shit.
    .-= Lotta ´s last blog ..SALE Butterscotch Candy Necklace =-.

  14. Couldn’t you put the zombie babies in one of those wind-up swings? No baby, zombie or otherwise, can resist the sleep-inducing effect of the wind-up swing. Sorry about your RA, I hope you feel better soon.

  15. I’m sorry you’re having a crappy day, but maybe you should give the zombie babies the medicine that’s going to kill you!

    Thanks so much for your posts, they always, at the least, make me smile and more often that not actually snort out loud while laughing. Someday I might have to post that The Bloggess got me fired because I laughed too loud at work!
    .-= Helen/Dudley´s last blog ..Mi Familia Part 3 =-.

  16. Wow – I’m on metho for RA as well, with no issues. Guess I’m superhuman. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!

    (And sympathies for the pain/vomiting/zombie baby injuries)

  17. On a Serious note: Have you tried Remicade? I take it for Crohn’s and it was originally designed for RA. I go every 8 weeks for a 3 hour infusion. Anyway, feel better and avoid zombie babies at all cost.

  18. Gingela5: Babies may not have teeth, but that doesn’t matter because they have that soft spot (Fontanel) in the skull where they could easily break through and suck out the brains of other babies. That doesn’t help with adults, but then again Zombie Babies aren’t much of a threat to adults, unless of course you’re forced to lie on the ground by the cops right next to Zombie Babies.

    Personally, I think all babies are devil spawn anyway…

  19. My doctor said if we were in California he’d prescribe pot but instead we live Texas and I have to make due with folic acid and phenergan. But I can’t take the phenergan because it knocks me out. So instead I just throw up.

  20. Two things: 1) I have taken methotrexate before (did you know they combine it with a stomach med called Cytotec to induce early abortions – that stuff is nasty). You can get fewer side effects if you inject it into your thigh once a week rather than taking pills. Careful – it can also mess up your liver, which is why I stopped taking it. 2) Ask your doc about one of the new biologic meds. They’re SO MUCH BETTER. I get Rituxan and it ROCKS!

  21. Because they are baby zombies though, they are ridiculously cute, and so you would most likely just willingly hand over your brain while saying “who wants a widdle brain.”
    .-= Libby´s last blog ..Our Song =-.

  22. Aw, man, I was all on board to make a funny comment but this it’s so bobvious that you’re really in pain and now I’m sad for you and wish I could give you a hug, clean your house, and provide you with a Helmet for Zombie Baby Safety.

  23. Sorry the meds are sucking right now. Feel better soon! I thought a friend’s medical side effect of pink bowel movements was fecking bonkers, but death is definitely crazy. The hell??

    Baby gums are not soft at all! They can yam off an ankle or two in no time.
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Are You Cool Or Are You A Jerk? =-.

  24. I am on Methotrexate too, but the needle version, and it makes me want to die whenever I have to get poked.

    Attacking zombie babies is the epitome of RA… now I can describe it perfectly, thanks !

  25. Rheumatoid Arthritis is a whore and all sorts of crap. I’m sorry you have to go through this. My boyfriend’s mom has had it for years. It’s a bitch to live with that sort of pain.

    Also, damn the zombie babies!
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..Sitting on a Bench =-.

  26. Geesh. I’m not gonna complain about my ACL Replacement surgery tomorrow. BUT, we have been having good fun with it….like I’m going to get a Zombie knee now cause the ligament is from a dead person. And my sisters all like, “well, maybe you’ll get a clogger or irish dancers ligament then youre leg will just break out with dancing and shit”. Umm, no, with my luck I’ll get the ligament of the dead inmate who kicked someone to death. Yeah, my luck.

    umm, I’m stupid scared of zombies too. proof……. http://queenofthedogs.blogspot.com/2009/05/zombie-apocalypse.html
    .-= peedee´s last blog ..The Proof is in the Pudding. =-.

  27. What you need is some Compazine for the nausea. But then that drug has side effects too: Abnormal muscle rigidity, abnormal secretion of milk, abnormal sugar in urine, abnormalities of posture and movement, agitation, anemia, appetite changes, asthma, blurred vision, breast development in males, chewing movements, constipation, convulsions, difficulty swallowing, discolored skin tone, dizziness, drooling, drowsiness, dry mouth, ejaculation problems, exaggerated reflexes, fever, fluid retention, head arched backward, headache, heart attack, heels bent back on legs, high or low blood sugar, hives, impotence, inability to urinate, increased psychotic symptoms, increased weight, infection, insomnia, intestinal obstruction, involuntary movements of arms, hands, legs, and feet, involuntary movements of face, tongue, and jaw, irregular movements, jerky movements, jitteriness, light sensitivity, low blood pressure, mask-like face, menstrual irregularities, narrowed or dilated pupils, nasal congestion, nausea, pain in the shoulder and neck area, painful muscle spasm, parkinsonism-like symptoms, persistent, painful erections, pill-rolling motion, protruding tongue, puckering of the mouth, puffing of the cheeks, rigid arms, feet, head, and muscles, rotation of eyeballs or state of fixed gaze, shock, shuffling gait, skin peeling, rash and inflammation, sore throat, mouth, and gums, spasms in back, feet and ankles, jaw, and neck, swelling and itching skin, swelling in throat, tremors, yellowed eyes and skin

    Kinda makes baby zombies taste like candy, no? Try some ginger.
    .-= Karyn´s last blog ..Happy Holidays! =-.

  28. You are so funny – I love your sense of humor!!
    Have you tried Zofran for the naseau? That is what I use when I don’t want to be knocked out by the phenergan. Also, have you tried Plaquenil for the inflammation? A slow acting drug- can take up to 6 mos. and not as many side effects as the one you’re taking… though it might not work as well. Good luck finding a solution.

  29. Glad to know that medicine has come sooo far since my dad died in 1991. He was taking the meth (otrexate) too, and while he didn’t puke, it was destroying his stomach. Seems like someone could have done some research on this in the last 18 years.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell =-.

  30. Methotrexate is commonly used (generally in combination with misoprostol) to terminate early pregnancies.

    Ok, so this ties the Zombie babies AND the tattooed-maybe-we-shouldn’t-have-a-baby-victor thing all together.

    Now THAT is a full circle.

  31. I can relate. Not about the zombie babies but about the Methotrexate. My current doses is 7 pills….and my hair is falling out. Seriously. I am going BALD! Want to trade? cause I could stand to lose some weight so puking might help me.
    .-= Denise´s last blog ..And I trust these idiots with my money =-.

  32. My husband also has terrible RA. He takes methatrexate too. But he can’t move if he doesn’t take prednisone daily. Although his dr. wants him off of it cuz supposedly it is terrible to take long term but he said fuck that and taunts death in it’s face. Oh and also from taking it so long, his face stays puffy like he’s a roids junkie cuz technically that IS a form of steriods. And he also takes Celexa so he won’t kill me when he’s roided out. I’m glad that doc was thinking of me.

    Oh and I just looked on WebMD re: RA and it said that cussing helps ease pain. I swear to god there is an article about that on there. I guess that’s why I’m always fucking pain free. Hang in there mother fucker. See, I feel no pain right now.
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Rip OFFF, Total Twilight Rip off =-.

  33. methotrexate injections are way better than the pills for the nausea. You still have it and you still can’t get up off the couch for 3 days, but it’s not as bad.

  34. OMG..wanna hear something to make you feel even WORSE?!?! The docs think it was methotrexate that caused my MIL’s leukemia…which she’s being treated for right now. *gulp* She also has the R. Arthritis. Not so fun. I hope they’re monitoring you closer than they did her (although she was stubborn and refused to get a biopsy when she started having symptoms).

    Anyway…still a hilarious post, even though the end made me sad … thinking of the cancer and crap. 🙁
    .-= megscole64´s last blog ..SSP Fundraiser Results =-.

  35. Forget the zombie babies! You should really think about the things you love the most…..like, GIANT SQUID and the number that comes between 12 and 14!!!! Girl, you know I always have your best interest at heart. Your welcome.

    But I really do hope you feel better soon!

  36. “Compazine side effects include:
    Abnormal muscle rigidity, abnormalities of posture and movement, agitation, anemia, appetite changes, chewing movements, discolored skin tone, drooling, drowsiness, insomnia, irregular movements, jerky movements, jitteriness, light sensitivity, mask-like face, rigid arms, feet, head, and muscles, rotation of eyeballs or state of fixed gaze, shuffling gait, skin peeling, rash and inflammation, tremors, yellowed eyes and skin.”

    All of which can be treated by removing the head or destroying the brain. I’m just saying.
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..World Mourns IRA Backer =-.

  37. my mom has ra and she is on methotrexate too. sucks bad. she got a head cold and it has wiped her out for two months. ra is an evil evil disease.

  38. I’m thinkin’ maybe you should have let those babies gnaw on your calf and zombie you up. I’ve never seen a zombie with RA. And, god knows you can’t make a Zombie puke.

    Problem solved. And, like my favorite writer would say, You’re Welcome. (You know that’s you, right?)

  39. If you think that putting a picture of babies is going to scare me away from reading your blog, you are wrong.

    Try harder. Okay don’t. Please don’t pull a william shatner on me.

    Hope you feel better. my dad had RA and was on methotrexate. He didn’t die from the methotrexate though (or the RA) so I think you’re totally safe.
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..Gap Giveaway Winner and a Farewell =-.

  40. I totally want to stick Mr. Misha in our car and make him come get you and bring you to California. I would come, but I am afraid of Texas. Not really afraid of Texas, but afraid of ME in Texas. We could get you a prescription for some pot and get you one of those pot nebulizers to use and you could bring your pug to play with my pug and they would totally be funny to watch while you were high. Then when you are feeling better, Mr. Misha could drive you back home. The end.

  41. Don’t trust that zombie baby with laces on her shoes… no babies should be able to tie their shoes that young… that is some sort of super strain of baby zombies…. I’m still gonna kick the shit out of them.

  42. can we just sic the zombie infants on the arthritis and the side-effects of the medication? there’s gotta be so much to sink baby gums into, there. (not YOUR arthritis, dearie, just overall arthritis — the umbrella. [not arthritis the musical. which would require zombie infants who can dance. or at least walk. and the casting for that would be hellish.] and, well, while we’re at it, cancer. cause it’s not like the zombie babies can be saved. they may as well become cancer eaters AS WELL AS brain eaters. uh, nibblers. gummers.


  43. Totally understand. My brain is trying to squash itself. Not a fun thing. I take expensive giant orange pills meant for mountain sickness of all the stupid things to try and convince it not to kill me. Joy. Isn’t medicine fun? Hope you feel better soon!!!
    .-= watercolor´s last blog ..grace =-.

  44. I’m totally “on the meth” too. Minus the copious yakking. Although my doc wants to ramp up the dose to 8 pills at my next appt. so maybe I’ll be hork-a-riffic at some point. I’m sorry you’re vomitous from it and that baby brain eating babies don’t help. May your horkage subside, may the babies get full up on brains and leave other brains alone and may this day be brought to you by the letter “F”.

    PS- you can always ask them to inject the meth(otrexate) and have it avoid your stomach altogether.

  45. At the beginning there I was hoping you were brain-storming an idea for one of your books that you’re not going to write but will be selling tons of, make loads of money and then sit by the pool with a pina colada. It makes me mad that arthritis is attacking you, madder than I would be if a couple of zombie babies were attacking you.
    .-= bea´s last blog ..putting faith in the public health system. no, really! =-.

  46. Oh, I am giving you a huge (non-creepy) hug from way over here (just please don’t throw up on me while I’m hugging you. Also please don’t eat my brains.) — I know exactly how that scary warning label bullshit is. I take similar drugs for MS, and the drug information booklet basically has huge blinking neon signs on every page, telling you “WARNING! THIS DRUG SOMETIMES CAUSES A SERIOUS AND OFTEN FATAL BRAIN INFECTION!!! BEWARE!!!!!”

    Yes. Very comforting, thank you. The hilarious part is, they thought they kind of knew why it was happening, and there hadn’t been any new cases of the Big Scary Brain Infection for almost two years, and then I started taking this drug a year ago…and the day after my first infusion, two new cases were reported {insert hollow laughter here}. And in the last year, there have been 10 cases total (but only one woman died).

    Medicine is awesome.

    There are some heavy-duty anti-nausea pills your doctor should offer you (though they make you super sleepy, I think) — have you looked into that? Or, maybe just take advantage of the throw up-iness, and go around visiting people you really dislike, and aim at them?

  47. You know, they say laughter is the best medicine and if YOU laugh at this stuff half as much as you make me laugh, you should be feeling pretty damn good!

    Maybe you should go back and read your own blog? Then you’ll feel like a million bucks! I hope.

    Sorry for what you’re going through.
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..Volcano =-.

  48. Dooce just apologized to you on her website. She doesn’t use your name but she calls you funny so who else could it be?

  49. So sorry you’re going through such crap. I have had 3 foot surgeries, so I totally understand the foot pain. Hope it gets better fast.

    As a woman who is perpetually on a diet, though, the regular daily purging sounds like something I could use to my advantage. I would ask my doctor to prescribe methotrexate for me but I think he doesn’t care if I’m fat.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..You a Cop? =-.

  50. Hee hee hee MWHAAHAHAHAHAHA *snort

    ahem…. sorry.

    But reading your post then reading the comments left made my day a whole heck of a lot more amusing.

    (Minus the whole ouchy business and the whole WTF drugs they gave you of course.)
    .-= Jody´s last blog ..My animals are making me nuts part 2 =-.

  51. I have super great sympathy for you. I have severe neuropathy in my feet and partially in my hands. The pain can be excruciating, and is constant. I’ve been on what seems like every med under the sun, nothing really helps. Ironically, the one thing that helps the most, is the one thing that my doctor says is causing it: alcohol. So I have to stop drinking. Eeeek! And the only other med that helps a little, Oxycodone, is eating my liver (well, and so is the alcohol.) And on top of this, I cannot sleep because the pain is worse at night, so I take some other med for that, but it leaves me all twitchy. Argh. Can’t win.

    Hang in there. We suffer together. ((Big gentle Hugs))
    .-= DogsDontPurr´s last blog ..The Observation Deck =-.

  52. What about Zofran for your nausea/vomiting. A lot of doctors do not want to rx it because it is hella expensive. Shoot me an email if he can not/will not rx it for you…I have connections! Zofran really is the mother of all n/v medications!!!

  53. Sweet Jenn, it is I, the old man with the bungie bag and unsightly stretch marks, again. I also have RA, have taken the methotrexate, thrown up alot, lost a job because of it. Metho is what is prescribed in backward third and forth world nations that are too poor to receive the stuff that actually works without making you want to die. Enbrel is one of those drugs, which my insurance company finally agreed to pay for but only after trying the metho. Enbrel worked for me very quickly and without any known side effects. Well there is one noticable side effect with the drugs like Enbrel, poverty. You take one shot a week and each shot costs $500. Yeah five hundred fucking dollars a shot. If I were a Canadian citizen I could still be getting the meds that work but no I’m an unemployed American without insurance. Yay.

    If you’ve got insurance make them pay for the Enbrel or one of the others that really do work. You are just too funny to be fucked up by a shitty medical system.

  54. “. Because who needs a working immune system when you have an autoimmune disease that makes you so sick that your best option is to take a drug that can kill you? ”

    Word, homie. I feel your pain. Almost literally. Probably not as bad as you since I’m unscathed from the RA but all the other shit I deal with because my autoimmune system has decided to MAKE ME ITS BITCH is right up there.

    Why am I taking an anti-malarial drug for Lupus? I DON’T HAVE MALARIA. IT MAKES MY HEAD HURT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
    .-= Chloe´s last blog ..Dress #4 =-.

  55. Been, there, done that. Diagnosed w/ JRA at age eight. Have you considered doing the methotrexate shot? It sucks to poke yourself, and I wouldn’t do it without a cream called “Emla.” Ask your rheum. about it and have him/her prescribe it. It’s a numbing cream, made of lidocaine and prilocaine. Dab it on your stomach a few inches away from your belly button, cover it with a tegaderm (airtight dressing) and let it sit for 30 min. to an hour. You can’t even feel the needle going in. And the shot is supposed to make you less sick than the pills. I’ve done both.

    P.S. If you still get sick on the shot, there are also two anti nausea meds that work: Reglan and Zofran. Like I said, been there, done that.

  56. I don’t know what your insurance situation is, but I would recommend trying Enbrel, as Catmanpoo suggests, if at all possible (in the interests of full disclosure, I work for the company that manufactures Enbrel). It is quite expensive, but it does tend to work better than MTX in clinical trials. Best of luck.
    I have no helpful suggestions when it comes to baby zombies, but I do wish you the best of luck with those as well.

  57. I have RA, a by-product of MCTD (don’t ask me what it really is, I have yet to understand). I take plaquenil for the MCTD, which only makes me *feel* pukey. A nurse at the eye dr (where I have to have an optical field test every year because of the plaquenil) swears by 12 cherries a day, dried or fresh. I do think it’s helping, tho something about dried cherries I find totally gross & have to choke them down, but after reading your post, it’s better than choking up everything else. Thanks for some perspective.

  58. It was Faulkner….Hemingway said: Why did the chicken cross the road? To die, in the rain.

  59. Medline Plus sez:

    “Methotrexate may cause liver damage, especially when it is taken for a long period of time. If you drink or have ever drunk large amounts of alcohol or if you have or have ever had liver disease, your doctor may tell you not to take methotrexate unless you have a life-threatening form of cancer because there is a higher risk that you will develop liver damage.”

    “If you drink or have ever drunk large amounts of alcohol”

    Seriously? Who hasn’t ever drunk large amounts of alcohol? Maybe zombie babies. But that’s about it. Oh, and maybe Mormons. And Venus Flytraps. Definitely Venus Flytraps. But then again, I don’t think Venus Flytraps have livers.

  60. I’m sitting here dyin’..a friend recommended your site…you are too funny..I, too, can relate to the asshole, shitty fucking disease that is RA…and yes, I too take Metho…..hang tight…keep laughing…its all you can do!!

  61. When I was pregnant and completely forgetful, my grandmother told me that babies feed off of their mothers’ brains. I don’t see how we can expect them to just quit that shit cold turkey once they’re born. (And she’s 90 so she knows a lot about avoiding death by zombie.)

  62. Chiming in to second (third, fourth, nth) asking your rheumatologist about taking the methotrexate via injection. I was very hesitant to inject myself, but it’s a small amount of medication, with an tiny (insulin) needle, and a subcu (not deep) injection. After the first one where you hyperventilate, you realize it’s really not bad at all and it really has helped the nausea I felt. I also take Enbrel via an auto-injector once a week two, so I’m shooting up twice a week with no problems, which just goes to show you can get used to ANYTHING!!!

  63. I’d feel sorry for the second baby who is succumbing to the zombie baby, but he’s got it coming to him because he appears to be a dirty shoe thief. Who steals shoes right off people’s feet? Seriously.
    .-= Grizzly Kitteh´s last blog ..OMEN =-.

  64. I’m pretty sure the actual Hemingway line is “One leather bottle of wine can defeat any baby zombie, but you’ll need all the leather bottles in Pamplona to crush Rheumatoid arthritis.” And then, he drank some more, which made him feel even more manly, and he thought he could take on all the baby zombies in Pamplona single-handed, but it turned out that he needed the help of a very macho and compactly built, handsome, famous bull-fighter to defeat them — which mostly threatened his manhood because the bullfighter was just so incredibly handsome in his those embroidered pants. But one more leather bottle of wine fixed that too.
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..Professional Conferences Can Be Highly Illuminating =-.

  65. ek- just plain ek…

    i just found out i have a disease that causes rheumatoid arthris…

    well- i guess i subconsicously chose that over zombie babies

  66. Dude, I totally get it, because I am so over my kidney failure right now. If one more person tells me that obviously I can’t have nice things because I’ll ruin them, like my kidneys, I swear someone is gonna get cut.

  67. Just want you to know that you’ve got a Catholic praying for you. And if that doesn’t work, I’m totally prepared to send the Pope (the REAL one, mind you) a gift basket of Assorted Marinated Puppies as a bribe. Y’know…barbeque…honey mustard…ranch…mesquite smoked…
    .-= Ri, The Music Savvy Mom´s last blog ..Guest DJ: Zen Mom =-.

  68. Emend is the shit for anti-nausea. Kept me from withering away to nothing during chemo last summer. Spent this summer drinking back all the weight I lost. TGFBeer!

    :::hope you are better soon:::
    .-= brigita´s last blog ..Out of Phase =-.

  69. I think that may be the whiniest title I’ve ever seen.

    Personally, I like the idea of zombie babies. You wouldn’t have to worry about dropping it and giving it brain damage, or touching the “soft spot”. I’d assume zombie babies are all soft. ANDDDDD if you did accidently do either of the two things above that are *horrible* to do to regular babies and pretty much universally frowned upon to a zombie baby you’d probably get a medal. Or something.
    .-= Kaylynn´s last blog ..Looking Through The Other Side of Up =-.

  70. Hey there – I had to take this drug once as well. Get off of it as soon as you can. I now use just an aspirin a day and Glucosamine – I don’t know if it works for everyone, but the methotrexate is severly bad for you.

  71. Hi, new to your blog. I also have RA, but am not taking nothing for it right now. I have issues with pain, but after reading this post am thinking I’m not doing to bad with it. I could go on and give you details, but really, all I want to say is that I’m so sorry to read about your suffering with this disease. I’ve had the pain bad enough were I can’t move, but wow, 10 pills/8 pills. Hugging you {softly} right now. I like your blog so far and will be adding you to my google reader. I don’t know of any other bloggers with RA. Do you? Take care. ~ michelle
    .-= Mothering Two ´s last blog ..“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.” =-.

  72. You’re marvelous. You’re in such pain and you turn it into a hilarious blog post. If I was on chemo drugs and/or had rheumatoid arthritis, I guarantee all I’d do ever again is lie on the couch watching Ingrid Bergman movies and drinking coke. That’s probably why the universe doesn’t bother inflicting either of those things on me. The moral here is: I am a poor example and you should definitely continue writing.

  73. 2 things. First, when my man went thru chemo he never puked. not once. Ever. He had 3 meds. The one that was the super duper powerful one that everybody else wished they had was called EMMEND. He took one every morning for the first 3 days. He also have phenergan and compazine, but didn’t rely on them much. EMMEND IS THE SHIT. It’s a fucking fortune, but it’s TEH AWESOME.

    Second, I’ve started to refer people to you for professional help if they’re suffering from an affliction called “Born Without A Sense of Humor.” Since I’m just a layperson, I felt it best to direct them to a professional for therapy in this arena. These are folks who are concerned that I’m allowing my children to play with sex toys, that I “pop Zoloft” recreationally (as if, Zoloft is so not any fun), you know the type. I’ve tried my best to assist them, nurture their development of The Humor. But, I am way out of my area of expertise.

    So, if you catch ’em sniffin’ around, you’ll know who sent ’em. You’ll be able to spot ’em from a mile away. I suggest chasing ’em with an armadillo and a vibrator, just to get ’em riled up. If you can have a zombie baby riding the armadillo, jousting with the vibrator, even better.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..Pop Rocks and Hospital Wings =-.

  74. Hope you find a balance between puking and aching soon!

    Saw it mentioned already up in the comments, but want to throw in my two cents about Humira. The shots are no big deal and you generally only need one every two weeks. Very convenient and effective, I’m finding (for psoriasis, but was originally approved for RA). The true cost per shot is astonishing, but insurance coverage took it way way down ($100 every three months, further reduced to $15 for some reason. I am not asking why, just happily paying).

    Good luck to you and please do watch out for those zombie babies. They’re short, but they’re persistent.
    .-= Melissa´s last blog ..Why is the neighbor girl up? =-.

  75. Okay, those pills sound much worse than zombie babies — they’re zombie pills and they’re inside you! No wonder you’re throwing up — it’s part of the process of BECOMING A ZOMBIE. I REALLY hope you can find something less UNGOOD. Those pills sound way too extreme, and if you’re body’s hurting when you reduce your dose by a measly TWO pills, I worry that your body will become dependent on them. Oy. ((HUGS))
    .-= Haley-O´s last blog ..Better Than a BlogHer Recap: Tour of the FARM, and more =-.

  76. My first time on your blog and I’m already hooked (I’m sure you already know your fucking hilarious, but I’m just going to go ahead and put that out there). Hope you are off those crazy pills soon and feeling great. I do have to warn you that there is such thing as a VAMPIRE baby. I’m living with one. Since she’s short and can’t reach my neck, the other day she lifted up my shirt and bit my love handles.
    .-= Amy Bloob´s last blog ..It’s beginning to look a lot like… Pregnant =-.

  77. Something really sweet happened at dooce.com. That has nothing to do with Zombie babies. I do have a great book on protecting yourself from Zombie attack…

  78. Don’t you love the awesome warnings! I drew skull & crossbones over mine and was accused of being childish 😀 But, on the plus side, you don’t have to wax, shave or pluck as often 😀 Chopped ginger and ginger ale helps with the nausea most of the time.

  79. Oh, sweetie. My son’s in the middle of chemo and he’s got amazing anti-nausea drugs. Maybe one or more of these could work for you? No idea what the difference between any of these is, but as the ads say, ask your doctor blahblahblah:

    Ondansetron, Metodopramide, Prochrolperazine. Oh, and Lorazepam, which can be a little more fun.
    .-= laurie´s last blog ..Indelibly Etched… =-.

  80. Greetings, exalted Admiral.
    I totally relate on both the zombie babies and the RA. It’s obvious the one baby is sucking the brains out of the other. People just don’t realize how bloodthirsty those little tykes can be….
    Nor do people realize how complicated RA and related auto-immune disorders can be. Did they do that test where they take a big chunk out of the inside of your bottom lip? Jeez, that was fun, wasn’t it? The first time I had that test, I swear the doc put his foot up on my chest and started injecting long needles of numbing medicine into my lip–I fainted…just a little…and started coming out of the chair. Maybe that was when he put his foot on my chest. Test was inconclusive, but had all the symptoms of Sjogren’s, so off to the rheumatologist. There aren’t that many good rheumatologists, either, and if you start with one, they won’t let you change–especially if you want to see THE BEST DOC in town. (insurance reform, anyone?) That’s when you start taking Celexa, cuz you get so depressed at the thought. That actually helped a lot. Later I was retested, in the hospital–cost a small fortune–results still inconclusive, but hey, we think you have Lyme disease. But since I still have quite vivid memories of my last encounter with a tick—uggggggggggg–False positive. Start taking celexa again. There is a great drug for nausea, but gee, insurance will only let you have 15 pills EVERY SIX MONTHS cause they cost $1500 (healthcare reform again)…. So I have no helpful advice for you….that I can send in a public forum….only my steadfast admiration for all you do to make us laugh each day. Thanks, Kiddo. I’ll be praying for you.
    the chupacabra

  81. I love Zombie Babies… they are totally teh awesome. And frankly, they are WAY scarier than some silly cancer drug you have to take for RA that might kill you. Oh wait. No they’re not.

    Dude, I’m just sorry you’re in pain. I have an auto-immune disease that sucks bawls on a daily basis … pain is and has been a daily part of my life for more than 10 years now. I’m 42. I think, holy crap, is this REALLY how it’s gonna be for the next 20-40 years? If so, bring on the fucking zombies b/c I’m not in the mood for that shit.

    Anyway, I digress. Your post put it back in perspective for me. So, see? There IS an upside. You cheered this sorry ass momma up. HUGS and LOVE lady. You’re doing good work. Don’t stop, I need you out here in blog land.

    .-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Chirp. Chirp. =-.

  82. Totally feel you on the methotrexate. I gots the Lupus and it’s trying to eat my kidneys (can you be a zombie-fy on yourself? this all the sudden seems really cool. and kind of like internal pac-man. anyway) and they put me on it. And plaquenil. And prednisone. And a bucketful of zofran (ondansetron GENERIC bitches!) which is the only thing keeping me from killing someone ‘Roid Rage Style. That, and the fact that I’m A Lady.
    With a mustache.
    Fucking prednisone.

    Tell you what, I’m an OR nurse (HEY FUN They let me run around all “may cause fatal infection”y and shit around the sick people Yaaaay) and we’re ALWAYS chopping something off that someone doesn’t need anymore. You tell me which limb is givin’ you the most trouble, and I’ll box up the next one and send it on over. You’re on your own with the re-attachment though. Superglue works. So does Walking It Off.

    OH. And a hippie told me a good way to get rid of joint pain was to eat Golden Raisins soaked in Gin. Which was AWESOME. And kind of worked. Until she told me I was supposed to let the gin evaporate. Which took the fun out of it.
    Homeopathic Asshole.

  83. I think this is just evolution in action: the big baby is going straight for the brain, & the little 1 is trying to figure out how to eat a SHOE. I’m assuming survival of the fittest works for zombies, I mean they’re technically dead, right? I’m confusing myself now.

    I know a TINY bit of what you’re going through: I have premature RA in my fingers & shoulders, comparitively mild at the moment though. Glad it’s in remission: hang in there!
    .-= Drolgerg´s last blog ..Agony With Aunty Drolgerg =-.

  84. Did you consider the following: baby #1 is made of methotrexate, baby #2 also has arthritis and is getting her dose on? Don’t jump to Baby Zombie conclusions. So gum/bite babies, don’t kick them. You will feel much better.

  85. So I was reading Dooce (please don’t hate me; I was just looking) and her post today seems to refer to the issues between the two of you. Or it could. Or it could all be about her washing machine. Or she’s finally realized that, by witnessing the power of your fanbase to annoy William Shatner, you are to be RECKONED WITH. Please go check it out and see. . .

  86. Thanks for making me laugh and spew coffee this morning, over a subject that usually makes me cringe. My daughter is in full remission from JRA and we remember well the puke-fests that use to occur after her methotrexate injections. Hope the zombies babies leave you alone!

  87. I must agree with another poster, to ask your dr. about methotrexate shot. I too am ‘fairly’ young with family, and cannot tell you how much I’ve missed out on because of this hideous disease. When I went to injections, I just imagined in my head this 12 inch long needle, and really built it up in my head, but actually doing the shot was way easier than thinking about it. I just couldn’t feel any better on the oral dosage, but hey, look at the bright side, we do get some hella good pain pills, the paralegal would be impressed. Hang in there.

  88. I think you should send that picture to William Shatner. He’ll think you’re trying to be nice, when you’re actually inflicting him with zombie babies.

  89. Aw, having rheumatoid arthritis AND taking chemo drugs doesn’t sound like fun 🙁
    Today in chemistry, our uni lecturer tried to turn our brains inside out by rambling on about something medicinal chemistry-ish, which is way too biology for anybody in there to care about, but my point? They sometimes give you GOLD for arthritis. Yes, gold.
    I’m guessing that if you had a gold bar to lick though, you could probably just bribe the arthritis away. But the other option, which sounds a million times better, is to have a whole bottle of Goldschlager, which is cinnamon liquer with gold in it. Get drunk and not have arthritic pain? Absolute genius. I’m pretty sure it wards off zombie babies too.

  90. My son is undergoing chemo for brain cancer. The only thing that helps his nausea is smoking pot. None of the anti-nausea drugs worked for him. Here in Vermont we have medical marijuana. He can’t get a prescription, but he is legally permitted to grow and possess it. Just got his official ID card in the mail.

  91. The best way to tell a baby zombie is by their crying.

    If they cry: zombie.

    If they’re still crying when you try to vigorously shake the zombiness out of them, you’re not trying hard enough.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Born to be Wildfire =-.

  92. Is it seriously possible that no one has commented here yet to make sure you see Dooce’s post about you?

  93. Ok. Nerd Moment- I work in pharmacy, and we often see docs prescribe folic acid along with methotrexate. In alot of patients it lessens the side effects. Might be worth looking into! Feel better.

  94. Hilarious picture, thanks for the laugh. Sorry that you’re going though a crappy time with your ra. I have lupus and also have been on metho and other combination of chemo drug. All went toxic with me, vomiting, loosing my hair, then eventually hospital stays. You should talk to your doctor about other treatments for ra. You may find something else you can tolerate better then the metho. Lucky I got on an immunosuppressant called Cellcept. Works great for me with no side affects. But always if you’re on a drug for a long time something bad will creep up, but at least I have my life back for the time being. Good luck.

  95. I’m always commenting late. I’m late for *everything.* It’s like that bad ass witch from sleeping beauty put a curse on me when I was born, but I’m not powerful or important enough to have bothered with a death-like-sleep curse, so she just gave me a late-all-the-fucking-time curse. Thanks, witch.

    Anyhoo–it’s true! That methotrexate is some bad shit! It doesn’t come to our pharmacy just dumped in a plastic bin with all the other hundreds of bottles of drugs. It comes in it’s own personal plastic bin *and* it’s all sealed in a special zip-lock baggie (I re-use them later for my sandwiches) and all the pregnant women in the pharmacy aren’t even allowed to touch the bottles with their bare hands–let alone touch the pills themselves. And I’ve always wondered why. I guess it’s so their babies aren’t born as zombie babies? Thanks for clearing up that mystery!
    .-= country mouse´s last blog ..something’s in the air =-.

  96. Sorry you’re in pain. I have RA and have managed to find alternative ways to treat it so far. Zombie babies are definitely preferable, although BOTH RA and zombie babies might be a problem as you’d be too stiff and sore to move and they’d just crawl all over you, munching away…….

  97. That sucks – if I could figure out how to transfer what you’re going through to someone who deserves it, I totally would. Like a zombie baby. Hang in there – maybe try phenergan? It makes me hyper, so maybe you’d be lucky and it wouldn’t knock you out, either 🙂

  98. Only you could make rheumatoid arthritis funny. I was seriously ready to cry because I hate the thought of anyone having to take that stuff, especially someone I like (not that I really know you, but you seem awesome) but instead I laughed my ass of because that’s just what you do. It’s a gift. I do hope you are having a better day today.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Why Travel? =-.

  99. Jennie,

    You know you don’t need a prescription for “pot”, right? Someone in Texas can get you some of that sweet weed…anyhoo, I sure hope you get to feeling better and love your blog!

  100. Thank you for making me laugh so much fucking the pain went away ( saw the article on cursing too but it has to be in moderation!). Get off the meth and get on a DMARD. WTF!! Your doc is still in the stone ages. I’ve taken minocycline, meth, prednisone, and I cannot even remember all of the anti inflammatories, nothing works like enbrel. I still have a liver…..and I go out for my mommy lunches. I have taken the enbrel for 11 years now, still alive and kicking and I can kick!! The Bloggess rules!

  101. The wife and I were at Ikea last weekend, and as we always do when our kids are with us, we stopped at the little train table they have set up in the kid’s area so they could play for a few minutes. After a while, this little girl walked up and started joining in the fun. She and my boys were having a lot of fun together, but then I noticed that there didn’t seem to be any other parents around. Then I got kinda freaked out, like “who the hell’s kid is this?!?!” And for just a second, I thought of that little vampire girl in “Let The Right One In” because she didn’t seem to have any parents either. But then her awful neglectful parents showed up and got her. They didn’t even thank us for watching their kid for them while they perused efficient living solutions for modern life.
    .-= Holmes´s last blog ..I’m just gonna buy the kid his own camera =-.

  102. I immediately thought zombie babies when seeing the picture. Cause seriously, what do you do with a zombie baby? This really hasn’t been covered in the movies I’ve seen. The film industry is not doing a very good job in duty to train me for the zombie apocalypse.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Babies Feeding Babies =-.

  103. I am late in commenting but I hope that you are feeling better. I have been on methotrexate for about 8 weeks now. I am on 5 pills a week and I am glad I am feeling better on just 5, I could not imagine taking 10 pills! My symptoms tend to be bad the first couple of days but nothing like yours.

    And yes wtf is up with prescribing a drug that they don’t know why it works but it does…..I am on two of those type of drugs, lucky me.
    .-= Violet´s last blog ..The Saddest Song In The World =-.

  104. Fudge nut bar… you’re taking methotrexate? I hate that friggin’ shiz. I took some when I had an ectopic pregnancy. I barely made it home with my 1-year-old son before vomiting all him as I changed his diaper. Luckily, he’s three now and not permanently scared. Noticably anyway.

    It knocked my immune system way down and then caught some weird digestive bug from my son’s daycare and ended up in the hospital for a week and everyone thought I was going to die.

    Are you living in a bubble while you take this drug? B/c you should be. Or at least wash your hands. A lot.


    Good luck, Jenny.
    .-= tela´s last blog ..Long Trips with Little Kids =-.

  105. Ooooh. I meant vomiting all OVER him. Not vomiting all him. Wow. I kinda came full circle too, because if I was a zombie I might’ve eaten his brains then vomited them on him.

    This is the kinda stuff methotrexate does to you.
    .-= tela´s last blog ..Long Trips with Little Kids =-.

  106. Way late to the game; I missed the post at the time, but was searching for your arthritis posts to see how you’re doing. *TEH SUCK*

    I also hates the methotrexate. I am *thrilled* to hear that so many folks like the injections better and am going to ask my doc about it. So my arthritis treatment may be improved by YOUR BLOG. Which I am pretty sure means you are a hero.

    Are your docs making you wait on methotrexate to see if they want you to try DMARDS? ‘Cause the stuff is cheap, but hard on bodies. Enbrel and the other biologics are magic, but they *also* fuck with the immune system. It’s all a crazy devil trade-off. “Sell me your soul!” “No!” “Do you want to keep hurting?” “Well…”

    Thank you thank you thank you for making me laugh so hard about RA. No one is foul-mouthed and funny about it, generally. They’re all “respectful” and “sympathetic”. It’s fucking horrific and deserves swearing and black humor! Thank you!
    .-= Rose/yarnivore´s last blog ..yarnivore: RT @aviddd I’m pretty sure the guy at home depot thinks we’re building the world’s most awesome water bong #roboexotica =-.

  107. Hey. So I’m going to use this post in my H Physiology class because we’re talking about rheumatoid arthritis and possible treatments. I had remembered that you treated it with this drug so I’m giving them you as an example which will make you even more famous.

    Though I am totally paraphrasing it because of curse words, and we haven’t reached the zombie unit yet. I mean, I’m the cool teacher but I’m still /responsible./ 😀

  108. So a co-worker came by while I was reading that and said, “That baby is eating the other baby’s brains!” I started laughing. He read a bit and saw where you wrote the same thing and said, “They think so too! That means I’m normal.” 😛

  109. My husband tried Methotrexate for his spondyloarthropathy (probably psoriatic arthritis, but they’re not sure.) The first week he was nauseous, the second week he was up for 48 hours throwing up. But then our daughter threw up and we thought maybe he just had the flu. He stopped taking it anyway. He’s trying Chinese medicine now (acupuncture and herbs, I’m Chinese Medicine doctor). So far we don’t know if it’s going to work ’cause the Methotrexate put him into remission. We shall see. If it works, I’m totally emailing you. I can help you find a good Chinese Medicine doctor in Texas. Or hell, you can come up to Seattle and I’ll give you treatment! I know where you can get the best taxidermy in the Pacific Northwest, we could make a weekend of it. 🙂

  110. Boo also taking methotrexate but I don’t have any reaction to it at all… I’ve been on it for almost a year and it does nothing. I’m also on Remicaid and I love that stuff. It’s like IV crack. I’ve been off for almost 2 months (medical insurance crap) and I’m in pain – worst has been my fingers. Stupid rheumatoid arthritis. Hooray twins.

  111. I’m trying not to sound like a spambot… have seen remission and significantly decreased symptoms just from eschewing grains and sugars. “Paleo Diet”. It’s not a diet as in calorie restriction. It’s a diet as in what you eat or don’t eat.

    This story made me think of your book and how you might find some relief…

    Many will call it a fad diet… That’s just the haters. Look into it.

  112. I just wanted to say thank you. I was given methotrextate for an ectopic and was alone. NO ONE I know has ever had an ectopic pregnancy OR methotrexate. After reading the comments and the post it feels really, really, really good not to be alone (“alone” = at least now I know that other people that make up the statistics on all this mess are not fictional, cuz up until now I didn’t have proof. But I still haven’t physically met anyone. There may need to be a match.com for health issues – mental and otherwise- to match people up).
    I felt like crap after the methotrexate and thought I was going to die, but I thought it was all in my head over losing a baby. But no, the stuff does suck and I’m not stupid. Thank you. Forever and ever.

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