My iPhone is very pretty but also totally useless because it thinks I’m dead. I assume it was designed to only recognize live human touch on the touchscreen but I guess my hands are too cold and so my phone rings and I desperately try to answer it but 80% of the time it won’t work at all and I start screaming at my phone and then my husband rolls his eyes and gently touches it and then it totally works and he looks at me like it’s my fault my phone doesn’t think I’m real.
I’m pretty sure it’s the same technology used on this TV my grandparents had that was all 80′s-high-tech because the buttons on the TV could only be pressed by living flesh for it to work but it didn’t work for me at all and if I was the only person at their house I had to hold the dog up to the TV to change the channel. And when I pointed out to the rest of my family that this was a dumb feature because it’s not like we’d had a problem with zombies or the refrigerator trying to change the channel they just rolled their eyes at each other like I just didn’t understand technology.
Pretty much the only way I can get my phone to respond to my touch is if I heat up my hands by rubbing them together really fast and then I look like Scrooge McDuck menacingly plotting to steal gold from orphans. So basically this phone which is supposed to make me look cool makes me look even stupider than before.
What I really want is to be able to use one of those stylus pen things but apparently it would have to be a stylus made out of human skin and when I asked about it at Best Buy they made me leave the store. At this point my only option is to go back to my old phone or to use the detached finger of a dead hobo which would be difficult because people get all up in arms about that sort of thing even if you do explain that he wasn’t using it and also it kind of takes away from the coolness factor of having an iphone if you have to use a dead hobo pointer to use it. And now that I’m thinking about it I’d probably take his pinkie instead because it would be smaller and easier to press those tiny keyboard buttons. But still there would be the problem with temperature because probably the dead hobo finger would be just as cold as my own finger unless I kept it in my bra or something. I can’t help but think this would be less of a problem if the iphone responded to any touch and not just particularly warm flesh because then I could just use a pencil and not have to think about putting dead hobos fingers in my bra. And also I’m always misplacing my pens so I’d probably have to cut all of the fingers off all the dead hobos I find so that I have back-ups when I misplace them which would be difficult because I’ve only found two dead hobos in my whole life and as much as I love technology I’m not about to start murdering hobos just so I can use my damn phone. Anyway Apple, I can’t imagine I’m the only person with this problem so you should probably fix it before a rash of fingerless dead hobos start turning up all over America because that sort of thing can’t be good for your image. Also, apparently I have a lot of readers from Finland and when they read this those people are probably going to start ripping off hobo fingers too and where Finland goes, so goes the rest of the world and then when the craze gets to Yugoslavia maybe they start ripping fingers off live hobos and blaming it on substandard iPhone technology and then where will you be, Apple? Screwed. That’s where.
Save the hobos. Save the world.
PS. I emailed this letter to Steve Jobs and he totally never responded. It’s been almost an hour. Horrible customer service.
Comment of the day: I once rode the subway in NYC and sat across from a dead hobo. I rode all the way up to 200th and Brodaway and he didn’t move one iota. And the smell, OY. well, lets just say..he was dead. And nobody got up to tell the conductor or whatever they call them in those little closets in the train that there was a dead hobo on his A train. I am pretty sure it was the A train. The numbered trains seats are too small and uncomfortable for big American butts, dead or alive.
Anyway, this dead hobo didn’t seem to bother anyone but ME? I get mad drunk once and hurl all over the subway floor ONE LOUSY TIME and everyone is up in arms and going to pull the little guy out of his closet to show them. Well, excuse the hell out of me. The little guy in the closet didn’t do anything. He just looked at the floor and went back into his closet. I did. I got up and moved. It was kinda gross. Anyway. Aside from the smell, the dead hobo on the subway didn’t bother me. I just sat there riding north, wondering what his life must have been like and how it came that he would die in a subway car. He didn’t move or breathe or anything. I got off at 200th. He must have been headed for the end of the line, that’s the next stop up. ~ Always, Buddy