So this weekend I was in the liquor store buying produce and I noticed that on the top of the tequila isle there were these giant bottles of tequila shaped exactly like life-sized rifles.
And I was all “OMG, I MUST HAVE ONE” and Victor was like “Um…no. I’m not buying you a rifle full of tequila” and I was all “But it’s BAD-ASS. And the rim of the bottle is the end of the gun barrel so when I drink it straight from the bottle it’ll look like I’m putting a rifle in my mouth. It’s awesome for parties” and Victor was all “Okay, first of all? No. And secondly, you don’t even drink straight tequila” and I was like “Well, I wouldn’t actually drink it. I’d just walk around with it. I’d be like a symbolic art installation showing the dangers of putting booze in guns” and he was like “You want to buy a rifle-full of tequila that you’re not even going to use?” and then I was all “Well, now you’re just making me sound wasteful” and then the clerk came over and he was all “Honestly, no one ever actually buys the tequila rifles. They’re $150″ and I was like “YOU CAN JUST STAY OUT OF THIS, SIR” and then Victor was all “The fuck? We’re not paying $150 so you can not put a gun full of tequila in your mouth” and then I was all “Well, if you pay cash it’s only $125. So it’s like we’re saving money here”. And then Victor said that we probably shouldn’t even be shopping in the kind of liquor store that gives you a discount for paying cash and then I may have blamed him for the recession and then he was all “And this is why I don’t take you to liquor stores” and I was all “Don’t get all pissy with me just because you don’t understand how performance art works” and then I was like ”You know what? Fine. Just pay for the produce” and the clerk just looked at me weird and Victor was all “It’s best to just to agree with her” and the guy nodded and I was all “DON’T HUMOR ME. Apple wine is made of apples. And tequila is made from cactus. So technically tequila is a vegetable. If you mix them together it’s like a grown-up V-8. THIS IS ALL BASIC SCIENCE” and they both just stared at me and no one bought me a tequila gun.
The whole day was like a goddam tragedy.