My cat has terrible handwriting

Victor:  I’m afraid to even ask this, but why do you have a reminder on the calendar to “set up an apartment for the cat“?

me:  What?  That doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Victor:  Actually, it sounds exactly like something you’d do.

me:  Why would I set the cat up with an apartment?  That’s ridiculous.  Frankly, it sounds more like something the cat would do.

Victor:  The cat is amazingly good at faking your handwriting.

me:  That’s what you get for buying a cat with opposable thumbs.  Honestly, I have no memory of writing that.  Why would I even write that?

Victor:  Why do you do any of the things you do?

me:  That’s so weird.  I feel like I’m letting the cat down, and I don’t even know why.

**Ten minutes later**

me: OH MY GOD, I REMEMBER.  Cat APPOINTMENT.  It was a reminder to set up an appointment for the cat because he needs his shots.

Victor:  Ah.

me:  Holy crap, I’m so glad I figured that out.  That was going to bother me all day.

Victor:  Me too.

me:  Really?

Victor:  No, not at all.

me:  Is it just me or does the cat look disappointed?

Victor:  I’m going to need you to stop talking now.

**********

In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

Disclaimer: That's not my body. You can tell because you can see ribs.

What you missed on my advice column (which some people still keep taking seriously in spite of the fact that it’s called Ill-Advised for a reason):

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on my sex column (mildly safe for work if your boss isn’t a total douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by DrinkNeuro. I usually don’t do giveaways here, but I’m randomly giving out a few cases today because you seem particularly stressed out. Personally, I’m a fan of NeuroSleep. It’s like sunshine mixed with roofies. But healthier. (Product does not contain roofies. Unless “melatonin” is latin for “roofies”. Then it has a shitload of roofies in it.)

188 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I don’t think your cat would survive in an apartment by itself…

    Group home maybe?

  2. I just wanted my comment to be close to the top as I always seem to be comment number 385 or something, so I don’t think anyone would bother reading it. Then I did that on your Sexis column and it ended up with me knitting vaginas in public and making all kinds of wonderful friends, so maybe posting later on is a good thing.
    Thank you for being wonderful and brilliant and was it me who sent you the sweary periodic table? I think I emailed it to you, but that could have been a cheese dream.

    Louise recently posted Making a committment to committees.

  3. Yes, you are letting your cat down, and they are disappointed. Or at least, that is the way my cat sees it. Of course, he would love his own apartment.

    Morgan Drake Eckstein recently posted Watching my ads.

  4. How can your cat even afford an apartment? Are you sure he’s not selling his drugs on the black market?

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted My Favorite Holiday Is Almost Here.

  5. 5
    ComtesseInExile

    When you say “randomly giving away” does that mean we need to leave comments to be chosen, or are you gonna spin around in circles and then point at someone?
    I’m leaving a comment just in case, since I don’t live anywhere near you.

    Although if the cat did have an apartment, he might need a roommate, and then I could.

  6. I once inadvertently named a Word file “Nagoya castle hunt.” Somehow in my extreme sleep-deprived state, I thought I was on the market for a well-fortified Japanese castle. Took me forever to find the document.

    Mom In Two Cultures recently posted Sky in Motion.

  7. Since your cat didn’t write that, your cat probably can’t read, either. So it’s okay that you held out the offer of getting his own place then viciously ripped it away from him. Just pet him, but not too much. He’s a cat.

    Lorca Damon recently posted I’ve Always Wanted My Own Gallows.

  8. Best way to start my Sunday…reading a post written by the Bloggess featuring Victor and an opposable thumbed cat…it wins hands down!

    Possum recently posted 'ell 'ath no fury....

  9. You cat is probably feeling the same way I did when my mom would remember my dentist appointments.

    Ashley recently posted Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2011.

  10. I am stuck in Emergency with my toddler right now and your cat story made me laugh. Thank you.

    It’s very late and I definitely needed this.

    Veronica recently posted Unwell.

  11. Your cat doesn’t seem like an “apartment” cat but more like a “my own mansion” cat.
    Kitty would have been pissed for sure. Makes it sound more like something Victor would have done. But we know he’s Beyonce apartment shopping…

    WG

    WilyGuy recently posted The Threats My Body Hears.

  12. Anorexic Ostrich.or creature from a Kanye West video. Wait, I guess that was redundant.

    Elly Lou recently posted This Week’s Tweets.

  13. wow I only wanted to get into the top 20 comments yay. It’s like a little reward. Cats never live alone who would serve their food and be their servant.

    Peta recently posted When is enough enough?.

  14. “They just keep on talking, don’t know what your name is, since you started blogging, acting like you’re famous, they don’t know what your name is, they don’t know what your name is …. your name is Jay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay Jay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay…. Jenny! ”

    Doesn’t help? Then here is my favourite Night Court quote “You are never dead as long as someone remembers your name” ” Aw, that’s beautiful? Who said that?” ” I don’t know. Some dead guy”

  15. hahahaha. I love cats and the characters they have. (It’s why I decided to get on while I’m living here in Korea indefinitely). I have also had the experience of writing something down and then not being able to figure out what I wrote later…that was definitely a not-so-great thing when they were notes to study for college. (So glad I’m done with that! Now my students just have to suffer with my occasional illegible writing. lol)

    Jaclyna recently posted Crossing a River.

  16. cat obviously has money from quietly selling jenny’s amazing advertizing ideas… anyone remember the cat sandwich board idea? ever wonder how it got leaked? cat in cahoots… mystery solved. you’re welcome.

  17. I always knew pilgrims were sexy. I knew it.

    I wonder if any pilgrim kids walked around with unbuckled hats though…like some walk around now days with those saggy ass pants?

    “If you don’t tell him to buckle his damn hat, I’m gonna bust his ass into next week.” ~Pilgrim Mom

    Carrie recently posted This crap is serious but it ain’t funny. So go fold the clothes still in the dryer..

  18. My cat is a little psycho so she probably would write ‘apartment’ on my calendar in the hopes that I would find her an apartment where she could live out her teenage years smoking pot and experimenting. And then I’d have to come get her in the middle of the night because she’d accidentally thrown an orgy and couldn’t make all the other cats leave.

    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: Pinwheel Sweater.

  19. Those are also not your real wings, but WHATEVER.

    Marinka recently posted Devacationization.

  20. Hahaha. Your blog is my sunshine on a rainy day!

    Jenn recently posted Hoarding Horror (By Casey).

  21. Which cat? dang. I guess I can assume its the polydactyl, because its crazy to think Poesy would be able to hold a pen without opposable thumbs, right?

    LA Juice recently posted Creepiest Mothra Faulker in Hollywood: Jason James Murphy.

  22. You keep me SO healthy from laughing!!

    Kathleen recently posted Shall Not Perish.

  23. Sunshine and roofies…can I give those to my 13mon old who has yet to sleep through the night?! ‘Cause that would be awesome. If not, could I sent him to live with your cat at his new apartment? At least for a few days so I can get some sleep??

  24. Oddly enough I do know what a nude anorexic ostrich looks like. First hand. It’s the reason I no longer eat eggs.

    Jamie recently posted Psycho teacup.

  25. The British are so much better at swearing than we are.

  26. Blog posts like this can be dangerous when left unexplained. Now our dog wants an apartment.

    granny annie recently posted LET'S MONKEY AROUND.

  27. Oh Kitty is probably so bummed! Here he thought he was finally getting his own pad, and now he’s stuck with shots. You better watch your back, mad kitties are no joke!

    Vesta Vayne recently posted Cocktail Time, a day late.

  28. You should make a Copernicus Christmas card. I’d totally buy that!

  29. I really preferred “I have a really weird boner now” because I felt like I was supporting the arts. Then
    the guy on the skateboard came scootching across and just made it weird.

  30. Actually, they sell those cat condos (which are really just several carpeted cubbyholes stacked up, usually with a nice scratching post in the “common area”).

    That’s what I thought you/your cat meant in that message.

    But you probably don’t want a condo either, because sometimes the HOA fees can be pretty steep.

    And Victor should know better. Cats are very disorganized, and they almost never write their stuff on a calendar, even the polydactyl ones that learn to fake your handwriting.

    Brian the Kwyjibo recently posted We're Not Exactly a "Licensed" Day Care Center.

  31. That cat wanted that apartment for you and Victor. I’m thinking cat will use those opposable thumbs to steal your identities, drain your accounts and force you into an apartment while he enjoys the house all to himself.

    Wendy recently posted How to Write Your Stupid Book: Tip 1.

  32. I have a special room for my kitten. I need a place to store him until he grows up and quits ruining shit like “peace and quiet”, “mommy’s drinking time”, furniture, and the dog’s tenuous grip on his sanity.

    Teresa recently posted Albert the Highly Intelligent Kitten with Questionable Morals and Bad Ass Ninja Skillz.

  33. See, you probably wrote ‘appointment,’ but the cat took advantage of the squishy nature of your scrawl and adjusted the word to ‘apartment’ because he know you always do everything you write on your list exactly as you’ve written lest your brains scatter and you might forget the really important things like catnip and cat food which, by the bye, the cat would miss if he has his own flat because he has no discernible source of income other than you and Victor so in the end he would end up being destitute and homeless, living under a bridge somewhere, periodically showing up at your doorstep to beg for tuna scraps.

    How sad is that? Lucky for the cat Victor noticed the discrepancy.

    Sj recently posted Not Just For Right Wing Irregulars.

  34. You really look good with wings…but I’m glad that’s not your body. Whoever the body really belongs to needs to eat a sandwich.

    jacqui recently posted Who Writes This Crap?.

  35. My cats (s) needs an apartment, too. They prefer a duplex but not sure if they can afford it.

    I loved your life in phtot booths…beautiful family keepsake.

    "Susan Says..." recently posted A Movement is Born: Occupy IHOP, America!!!.

  36. Don’t be to hard on yourself about letting your cat down. I’m pretty sure they expect that from us. not sure how you’re “randomly” choosing a winner, but I’m feeling pretty lucky….and I’m pretty interested in passion in a bottle. do I have to drink it, or can I just give it to my husband and call it a day?

  37. Sleep for hours at a stretch? I’ve heard that’s pretty awesome, but I wouldn’t know.

  38. bahahahahaha! your anorexic ostrich cartoon just made me and a friend and my dog LAUGH our asses off. thank you for it. sincerely, the ex bulimic :)

    nicole recently posted date with my mother! and vampires! and anorexia?.

  39. The beyonce ornament is clearly a must have for the holidays! LOVE IT!

    tamaratattles recently posted Filming for The Marriage Counselor has Wrapped.

  40. If the cat writes a you a grocery list asking for cat nip, a red Ferrari and some Twattle-dandy, I’d suspect Victor is involved, despite his protestations.

    hogsatemysister recently posted 10 Great Reasons to Get An Artificial Arm This Christmas!.

  41. My cat has thumbs, but mostly they lead to him falling off things and getting stuck in carpets.
    I guess I should start questioning the weirder items on my calendar now, though.

  42. 42
    Formerly known as @Sweets75

    My daughter’s cat was getting *REALLY* jealous there for a second. I sat him down and explained the misunderstanding to him. Crisis averted.

  43. As always, your pins are the best! Loving that one of Kate and Leo… LMAO. And The Beast! OMG!!! hahahahahhaha! The flowering tree and the wall in Scotland…gorgeous. The wall reminds me of my favorite joke about a guy who is NOT a wall-builder…and Irish not Scottish. But still the wall reminds me of the joke.

    I love that “my fucking name is…” website. It makes me nearly screech with laughter. I was burdened at birth with both a difficult first name AND last name. And then I married into an even more difficult last name…which I never thought possible.

    XLMIC recently posted Jingle Bell Hell 2011.

  44. A nude anorexic ostrich? Of all the weird things you do, I agree that probably wouldn’t be one of them.

    Also, my cat has opposable thumbs too but he would never do something do dishonest has trick victor into setting up an apartment for him. HE’S NOT THAT SMART.

    Annadanna from Canada recently posted Not every day sucks - today notwithstanding.

  45. I saw the picture before I read the disclaimer and was about to say that you have gotten WAY too skinny.

  46. If you say the NeuroSleep actually works, I’m inclined to believe you. Currently going through an extremely long fibromyalgia-induced-insomnia phase yet also weaning myself off Klonopin. Apparently the fact that I could take 4mg of Klonnie and still be upright was troubling. I should probably stop taking the Advil PM soon as I’ve been on that a month.

    Don’t forget the cat appointment – I did that once and ended up with a $500 bill because she developed bad teeth and gingivitis. And now I have to brush her teeth. yay.

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Sweet Embrace (by Evolved) Vibrator Review.

  47. I have GOT to stop reading your posts when I’m drinking coffee. My keyboard will thank me.

    Holly aka Toy recently posted ~ Rubbernecker Stampin’ Sisterhood Inspiration Challenge ~.

  48. I think you’re cat’s messing with you. Of *course* your cat wants an apartment. In fact, he probably already has one and that is where he was when he disappeared a while back. He just needs some ‘me’ time for cat-nipping without others being all jugdy. I mean, really, that’s what we all want, isn’t it?

    I love your Zazzle store…it is totally addictive to make stuff on there. I love seeing my things look all fancy and professional.

    TriGirl recently posted You Wearin' a Cup Under that Wetsuit?.

  49. I’m fairly certain that the cat has figured out some sort of mind control technique. It said apartment, but he knew that you’d have to come up with a reasonable explanation for it, so he mind-puppeted you into believing it said appointment. Really, he just took one for the team. He’ll be more clever next time. Beware.

    Cathy recently posted I got nothin’.

  50. The housing market is horrible right now, even renting an apartment would be a dangerous venture. The last thing we need is another cat prostituting on the corner for rent money.

  51. I love that you wrote about Marcel the Shell in your goodmom/badmom article. That is probably my favorite video ever. I devoted a whole blog post to it, which is saying something. It’s also probably saying something that I have the same sense of humor as a child. But I’m too busy watching Marcel the Shell to listen.

    “Guess what I want, but I’m not gonna beg for it…a nickname”. Fave line.

    Happy Sunday Funday :)

    LynnDee recently posted Why Britney Is In A Time Out For A While.

  52. I currently have this written on my whiteboard….

    Chicken & chrome
    Baggage Claim

    I have no clue What the hell it means and refuse to erase it until I figure it out!

    PS….its been there about 3 months now LOL

  53. I’m going to be birthing out a baby in a couple weeks, I literally cannot think of a better reason to have a case of behavior altering syrups around than a newborn and a two year old. Wait, I should probably be the one to drink them right? Right.

  54. Tell that cat to get a job and start paying rent and THEN you’ll think about letting him move into his own space. I know, I know…he’ll probably blow his first paycheck on a wicked good bag of catnip. Lazy cat.

    Kelly O'Sullivan recently posted Blog Love: Year Without.

  55. I’ve done this before, as well….I have six dogs, and all need apartments. Or something.

    Or maybe I just need better drugs.

    Yeah. That’s probably it.

    Jules recently posted Shooting Santa, Wine, & My Personal Blogosphere.

  56. Jenny, you might not want to drink that. There’s conflicting research on melatonin, but a lot of it indicates that melatonin can make autoimmune diseases worse, especially rheumatoid arthritis. There isn’t enough research on alternative medicine and autoimmune diseases, so I just avoid most herbs and supplements. I figure it’s safer that way.

  57. I could have written that post on “Hello my fucking name is…” if I wasn’t so fucking lazy. I was called Ginny for THREE years by some clients based in Texas. I started introducing myself to everyone here (in Wales – don’t ask) as Jenn to get away from the Ginny/Jeannie thing.
    But now? Everybody here frickin’ calls me Jan. I’m like, its “JENN”, asshats.
    I don’t walk around calling everyone Fiona or Louise.
    Although, everyone here IS named Fiona or Louise.

    Jenn (NOT JAN) recently posted Silent Sunday.

  58. Cats are always vaguely disappointed in us. Nothing to be done for it.

  59. Re: Marcel the Shell

    For some reason, I am really tickled by the Z’s scrolling on the laptop behind Marcel.

  60. My favorite line from that ill-advised column has to be “I’ve almost never cut myself on a sleeping baby”

    Which implies, of course, that you may have cut yourself on a sleeping baby once.

    I’ll stop explaining the joke now. Sorry.

    andie recently posted I'm gonna let you in on a little something..

  61. I would love a free case of NeuroSleep I could feed to my teens which would make me considerably less stressed out, thank you. But in the meantime, I vented some stress by submitting my own name to “Hello, my fucking name is”…though I am still at a loss as to how people can screw up “Jenny”.

  62. For sending you the Sexy Pilgrim: You’re Welcome!

  63. I guess that’s worse than trying to find out why “your mom goes to college” is sharpie across your forehead after a night of too much vodka!

  64. 65
    fdhbstephanie

    I am soooo buying the non-denominational cards for some very special people on my list!

  65. Maybe he signed up to model for one of those “catvertising” campaigns behind your back and now he’s trying to get his own apartment so he can stay up late partying and doing drugs with all of the other model kitties, and then he’ll sign a movie contract and adopt twenty kids and forget to wear panties and end up on the front of tabloids because he forgot to wear panties and then he’ll get arrested but not go to jail because famous people (and kitties) don’t go to jail and then he’ll go to rehab and once he gets out of rehab people will talk about how awesome he is for going to rehab and his entire career will be reborn. And then he’ll start doing commercials again and it will all be down hill from there.

    I forgot where I was going with this, but yeah the kitty is definitely up to something.

    JessicaZombie recently posted My shopping list : pizza, pizza, breakfast pizza, appetizer pizza.

  66. I work for a very popular theme park for minimum wage… during the holidays… stressed doesn’t even begin to describe my life. I’m feeling particularly stabby… and so will Mr. Cat when he doesn’t get his apartment. Just keep an eye out… you never know what cats with thumbs can do…

  67. I’m pretty sure our cat, Meownce Knowles, has been on craigslist looking for a new pad since the whole diet cat food debacle. Lately I’ve noticed her and our lizard, Cee-Lo Greentail exchanging knowing looks. . .it’s about to get all ‘Lord of the Flies’ up in here.

    Jen recently posted We Don't Need No Edukashun.

  68. My cats need an apartment to sleep in at night. Since they are always waking me up at 4-5am to feed their faces. Sigh. But i love that little Marcel guy!!! He’s so cute!!!

    Lesley recently posted Fairy Tales: The Evil Queen.

  69. This post reminded me to make an appointment for my cat.
    I belive DrinkNeuro has a drink called Neurogasm. My two year old chose it to drink and I told him no because I was a bit creeped out by the word GASM coming that close to his mouth.

    Micah Steele recently posted The last day in October.

  70. I bet the cat likes the idea of his own little bach pad much better than the thought of getting shots!!

    Misty recently posted Love Is In The Air.

  71. Maybe you ought to write “Teach the cat to get a job.” That way the cat can get his own damn apartment. Cats are so needy.

    Joy Ribisi recently posted A sneak peak at some special pieces....

  72. Bummer. I am new to this commenting thing and put my comment on the wrong post. I shall try again… sigh… My cat’s vaccination reminder arrived on the same day as my gynaecological knees-up reminder. I decided that we should swap appointments…. have realised this comment has all sorts of possibilities relating to gynaecologists and alternative names for cats but I won’t go there.

  73. This is why I keep my cat away from all writing utensils. She’ll try to talk me into shelling out for a damn studio apartment or something. Sneaky bitch

    Renee recently posted And that’s why I always have a camera around my family.

  74. I just blamed my polydactyl cat for turning on the wall heater in the bathroom when we’re not home. It has to be his fault. Polydactyl cats are the best. My husband will only adopy polydactyl cats.

    P.S. In mostly unrelated news (except that it has to do with you, not cats), a friend and I have organized a red dress photo shoot next weekend inspired by your travelling red dress photos and story. I will send you a link to the photos once I have them and edit them.

  75. Well, didn’t you put up that plexiglass so that the cats couldn’t hang out in your haunted doll house? Yea, well, now they need an apartment. It makes perfect sense to me.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Super Friends S1 Ep10.

  76. any christmas card with the word “fuck” in it will surely be a family favorite this year. my very catholic grandparents love that shit.

    alaina recently posted Monkey Crotch..

  77. Ooh, please pick me. I would like to try out this “sleep” thing that I’ve heard so much about.

    Mary recently posted Holiday Gifts for Readers: Books & Magazines $5 & Under.

  78. If your cat needs a roommate, tell her to hit me up. I have one that is needing a new place to live. She’s very clean and shares her food….

    Jules recently posted The 2012 Blogger Body Calendar Has Hit the Market!.

  79. I just wanted to say that I have a polydactyle cat, that I named Anderson Pooper. He is the cutest cat ever, and comes when he’s called. The thumbs make them smarter, I’m sure of it.

  80. Actually, having an opposable thumb has not been that fricken great. But the x-ray cat hearing is awesome.

    hogsatemysister recently posted Open Letter to Siemens Hearing Aids.

  81. I’m assuming you are lying to Victor, and the appointment is with a real estate agent. You’re getting the cat a condo, aren’t you?

    Gates recently posted We're gay, we have candles out the wazoo..

  82. I’m wondering how big the apartment would need to be. I think a good sized 1 bedroom would be good for him. Maybe 2 if he constantly throws killer parties and doesn’t let his friends drink and drive.

  83. My cat’s always disappointed when I tell him he can’t have his own apartment. He looks at me like I’m the biggest B*%#@ in the world. His blue eyes turn icy and he looks like he’s going to rip me a new one, but he never does. The little coward.

    Brittany recently posted Let's Get Our Music On- My Search for Music Strange and Beautiful.

  84. “Why do you do anything that you do?”

    Oh, I’ve heard that one before.

    Jen recently posted In the News: November 20, 2011.

  85. Your face fits very well on that body. It could be yours ( for only 19.99)

    Heather recently posted In the event that I win an Oscar…..

  86. I laughed so hard when I watched “I have a really weird boner right now” people in Starbucks thought I was having a seizure. I tried to encourage the concerned onlookers to watch but they just didn’t “get it”.

  87. Sorry Jenny, but I am going to have to side with Victor on this one, setting your cat up in an apartment DOES sound like something you would do, it is possible that your cat exercised mind control, but I could see you doing it without any external forces whatsoever…

  88. I chose my current apartment because I thought my cats would like it. One of the closets doesn’t have a door, and I said to the real estate agent, “This is so perfect …” And she was all, “Yeah, for storage and dry goods.” And I was like, ” … for the litter box.” I was a little worried that that’d disapprove of the pedestal sink in the bathroom. But it’s fine. I put a little step stool next to it. We’re good.

    alonewithcats recently posted My cats might be tiny cheetahs.

  89. Love it. The cat probably does need it’s own apartment though.

    Sally @ A Blessed Existence recently posted Giveaway!!!.

  90. Damn Jenny! I have horrible bronchitis and yet you want to make me laugh like a hyena. It doesn’t work when you can’t much air into your lungs. You know what, that’s okay because you are hilarious and if I want to be able to breathe, I shouldn’t read your blog!! Appointment, apartment, same smell, right? Poor kitty. Not getting his own place. I’d be sad too if I thought I was getting my own apartment and then found out I had to go get shots instead. I would call extreme foul. :-)

  91. I’d love some Neurosleep. I’ll throw my hat into the ring. I’d also be up for sharing an apartment with your cat if that’s more cost effective for you all. :)

  92. Wow – Just looked at their site. Looks like they have some great drinks! The NeuroSun looks great too. Living in Maine, we’re about to get a WHOLE lot less sun. It’s a LOOOOONG dark winter here! A little NeuroSleep and a little NeuroSun would probably do me a world of good!

  93. I WANT THAT PERIODIC TABLE

    that is all.

  94. I CAN sleep enough for the both of us. I only wish that you could benefit from my sleeping…

    tokenblogger recently posted Last Sunday….

  95. See, that’s the thing with cats. They are so needy. My dog is happy just to be in the garage at night. Then again, he can’t write on a calender.

    Carri recently posted Toby Keith Can Shove a Red Solo Cup Up His Hillbilly Pie Hole.

  96. The absurdity of this all is AWEsome!

    Happy National Absurdity Day! (Really, it is!)

    To infinity and beyond…by way of absurdity!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  97. 1. I need NeuroNewRealJob and NeuroStopDatingAssholes and NeuroHangoverCure… and whatever else they have.

    2. I also need to figure out how the hell to set up a zazzle store because people will totally buy shit with my blog logo on it.

    3. I really also need a drink, but my housemates drank all my booze. All of it.

    Jennie Palmer recently posted Drunk on the Bus.

  98. I pee when I sneeze. Therefore, I Am.

  99. the periodic table of swearing is fucking brilliant…

    well… it’s all brilliant, but that one I really appreciate being as I’m studying chemistry!

    Jaime (@chemgirljaime) recently posted you know you want to pee your pants with me..

  100. Maybe the cat appointment was to see an apartment?

    Suniverse recently posted My Heart Will Go On.

  101. Jenny, watch out, I fear Ferris will hurt you when it’s time to go to the vet. Please take precautions. Also, I’d like to try some of that Neuro stuff. I just had surgery and I can’t drink carbonated anything any more (Damn my Diet Coke addiction), so I need to find something new to become addicted to, er, fond of.

  102. I don’t think it’s unusual to get your cat an apartment — they’re just like people. My cats open doors and and like football. For example, my cat Tangy is watching the Giants – Eagles game right now. Pumpkin, my other cat, is a football snob and will only watch the Canadian Football League.

  103. I don’t think it’s unusual to get your cat an apartment — they’re just like people. My cats open doors and and like football. For example, my cat Tangy is watching the Giants – Eagles game right now. Pumpkin, my other cat, is a football snob and will only watch the Canadian Football League.

  104. I’ll bet your cat changed it because he thinks he’s ready for his own place.

    Cathy recently posted Tyrannosaurus Rex’s Arms Are Not Too Tiny To Hold a Lightsaber.

  105. Cats are terrible tenants, which is why I only rent out to dogs.

    DogsOnDrugs.com recently posted This Is The Kind Of Shit I Think About.

  106. It’s just a good thing you DIDN’T get the cat an apartment because it’s common knowledge that cats prefer condos.

    moooooog35 recently posted I Drew a Cartoon! - You Have a Piece of my Heart.

  107. Oh my god, Jenny! I just surfed some blogspot blogs. So basically, anyone with a computer can post whatever the F*** they want. One about quilts, decorating the house, and good shopping finds. Bless you for being you. I love you!!

  108. Love the card. I know it’s Beyonce’s theme, but can we get the holiday card with a slightly more mundane message inside? Or maybe I just need more friends with a better sense of humor. Thanks!

  109. Four thousand dollars for a unicorn butt plug? I’ll plug people’s butts with a unicorn for half that.

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted My Little Indian.

  110. Can’t read this post, can’t read the comments … yet. (It’s an OCD thing, I’m sure you understand.) HOWEVER, I am mentioning you (glowingly) in my own post tonight. I’ll be back, and will read this one, I promise.

    Julie recently posted Condition-less..

  111. I had a cat with opposable thumbs! He had an extra toe or two on each of his paws! His front paws truly had thumbs he could use to grab things! It was awesome! I always felt he was more highly evolved!

    Cheryl D. recently posted The Battle of the Moms.

  112. Man, I want to come live at your house. Can I? You can write in some crazy shit on your calendar like “Kill Victor,” to freak him out? And then when what you really had planned happened it wouldn’t be such a big deal, right? Because me coming to live at your house temporarily would mean that you weren’t going to kill Victor.

    Seriously. Think about all of the material you would have if I lived in your garage or something. Oh, and I always wanted to live in Texas.

    Wag the Dad recently posted How To Make Play-Doh Cookies in 9 E-Z Steps.

  113. As someone who is about to move into her first “big girl apartment,” THANK YOU for the Periodic Table of Swearing. Forget HG TV; all I need is The Bloggess for home decorating ideas.

    Crusty recently posted The severed heads of Asian men will adorn my new home.

  114. We were talking about you yesterday at church. Yeah… you and Beyonce have quite the fan-base at my church. Anyway, my friend was talking about Beyonce and I asked if she knew about Copernicus. Her eyes flew open – NOOOO…. You HAVE to send me a link to that!

    So I came here to find Copernicus but you don’t have a search bar on your blog! Luckily, Google found it right away when I typed in “Copernicus the Monkey”!

    Poor kitty… no apartment for you!

    Sayre recently posted Having a Blast.

  115. I don’t know much about cats, but from what I hear, it would likely evict you and your family to the apartment and then take over your house.

    the muskrat recently posted an experiment.

  116. I love Louise who wants her comment at the top! 1) I hate when people get my name wrong. I was recently mistaken for an angry neonatologist at a referring hospital (I’m a social worker, people). 2) I’ve wondered if you made this awesome pin I was given that has a crown and says “Queen of Fucking Everything”. It seems so you.

    Karen Hawks recently posted Cover Ups.

  117. I know that my cat would love her own place. Then she could entertain that very handsome marmalade cat that she has her eye on.

    Melissa Lawler recently posted What We're Cooking! - Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Cake #Gluten Free.

  118. My cat can speak Mandarin Chinese. But I can’t, so most of the time I have no clue what he is saying.

  119. 121
    One Armed Ed

    Sorry, but in the South your name is Jinny. You don’t get a vote.

  120. Oh my god, I think I need those holiday cards. All of them. Because they are just that awesome, and I almost spat my tea out at the last one.

  121. please know that I’m picturing the cat in question living in the space needle and banging out mediocre version of “movin’ on up” on a white piano.

    Beesus recently posted Mike Rowe Can Drive My Truck Anyday.

  122. I thought a cat apartment sounded pretty good…. every cat needs to feel like they have their own space. Ferris Mewler probabler just wanted something like an in-law apartment, not a totally different building or anything. He seems like a reasonable cat to me.

    Also, I would love a random case of some Neru-whichever one I could have please. I’ve wanted to try them ever since I saw their niffty add on here. But I am too poor to actually buy them currently.

    AlexMac recently posted Fairly Unreasonable Violence Below.

  123. Your brain is weird and I love it.

  124. I needed you this morning and you were here with an excellent cat/calendar story. You rock! Thank you for being YOU!

  125. Seems like Victor frequently feels that you need to stop talking now.
    See how he feels after he has to move into the cat’s apartment for a week.

    El Guapo recently posted Now where am I going? – Physical edition.

  126. 128
    RancherNikki

    Whenever I have to kennel my dogs for the weekend I realize it would be much cheaper to just rent then an apartment. I think it was a wise subliminal decision.

  127. Oh my god, you’re funny. Just read the Ferris Mewler post, died laughing, and resurrected myself solely to get onto here and state the obvious. SO. Funny.

    K A B L O O E Y recently posted Her Aim Is True.

  128. Where is your cat registered so I can get something for the new apartment?

    Becky Rice recently posted A Year in the Life of a Blog.

  129. I don’t have a cat. But I am pretty sure the rabbitt regularly breaks out of his cage and eats all the chocolate chips.

    Meanwhile, that DrinkNeuro stuff sounds pretty interesting. Any of the flavors would do, I need all the help I can get. I might even try adding vodka.

    ginamonster recently posted I almost cried at the grocery store today.

  130. Perhaps you should have written the note on a BANANA PEEL just to really thrown Victor off the trail. BTW, Kitty’s apt is ready for move in today at 3. Left the keys under the mat. Right next to the bottle of Neurosleep tabs. Nighty-night!

    BatSheva recently posted I’m a Stalker.

  131. I totally wish you’d make Copernicus “hug” holiday cards. I’d by them! Yes I said holiday, as I don’t celebrate Christmas. ;)

  132. If my dog were to write something on the calendar, it would probably go something like this:

    “OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!1*! CUDDLE ME!”

    And it would be written on every available free space, even the picture.

    (* My dog is a nerd, too.)

    Dana the Biped recently posted Great Power = Great Tomfoolery.

  133. Your cat would really appreciate a tricked out bachelor pad. It would be fun to decorate!

    Craftwhack recently posted My Life in 354 words.

  134. It would help if our parents did name every other one of us Jenny.

    But it is an awesome name.

    My formal name is “Jennifer”, but have been “Jenny” to everyone… except my granny and medical professionals. Personally, the women that say, “I’m Jen. Or Jennifer. (Or maybe Jennipher) DO NOT call me Jenny…” Yeesh.

    Not a fan of those gals. WHAT’S wrong with JENNY?

    But I suppose with the interwezzzes I have a new last name… On the Spot. Ooooh! I should change it to on le Spot. Then could be a French blogger. I’m rambling… This was about you… My amends… <3

    jennyonthespot recently posted Caramel Macchiato Banana Bread to Warm Your Holiday Heart.

  135. Oh, Jenny. Sometimes I read your blog and after the first few sentences, I begin to think, “well, this isn’t funny at all” and then WHAM! Hilarity strikes.
    Also, I’d like to throw out there that wings are a very good look on you. Minus the exposed ribs, of course.

    Jennifer @therebelchick recently posted 5 Reasons Why Miami is More Awesome Than Your City.

  136. I need to submit my name to “this is how the fuck you spell my name…and if I’ve just emailed you and you spell it wrong in your response you’re a douche”.

    It’s Stacey. Not Stacy. Not Staci (with a heart over the “i”) , not Stacie. This shouldn’t be hard

    Also, what was with that creepy ass foot resembling a high heeled shoe on the periodic table thing. I decided not to look any further. I was afraid of the nightmares

  137. Actually an apartment for the cat sounds like a wonderful idea…at least it won’t try to wake you up at 4 in the morning…you know…cause it lives in its own apartment and stuff.

    Jenn recently posted Faux Severed Head…It’s All The Rage This Year.

  138. You really should spend more time working on your cat’s handwriting. And, thanks for the disclaimer on the Angel photo.

    Tina @ heatherandtina.com recently posted Eggs in the News.

  139. sometimes we write things down incorectly because inside our minds we are actually hoping for that which we accidentally wrote down instead.
    Pretty sure you WANT to set up your cat with an appartment. Think on it.

    Marie recently posted I’m so old I don’t even buy green bananas anymore…..

  140. It took me a few minutes. I was all, thats her face… :)

    Jen Marie recently posted Hot Cocoa Cupcakes and a Parade.

  141. My brother is an anthropology professor. A student recently handed in a paper discussing our “disposable thumbs”… who knew…mine are obviously defective…same old thumbs all my life!!

  142. HELP! I’m stressed, and not in the desserts spelled backwards sort of way. Unfortunately, I cannot explain anymore since I have used my real name. I’m just saying, if you wanna give away anything that might take the edge off the stress I’m under, it would be really appreciated!

  143. Do you ever laugh at yourself because your reminder notes are longer and/or take more effort than actually DOING SAID TASK?

    I hate making phone calls (such as vet appointments), so I make long lists of shit I NEED to do, instead of ACTUALLY doing them.

    PROCRASTINATE, PROCRASTINATE, MOTHERFUCKER.

    _______

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really? Seriously? recently posted Honeymoon SNAFU FUBAR Travel From Hell.

  144. –>I’m glad it didn’t say, “Set up an appendectomy for the cat.” Then he’d really be pissed about your bad handwriting.

    WebSavvyMom recently posted And Then My Baby Turned 1,825 Days Old.

  145. The online Vibrator Museum is cool, but did you know that there is an actual Sex Museum in NYC?

  146. Nothing you write is appropriate for my workplace. Mostly because I tend to laugh loudly when I read it, and I happen to work in a library. It’s not good when the librarian gets shooshed by the patrons…

  147. omg, I think I need to order a lifetime supply of your holiday cards! Sometimes a card just says exactly the right thing:)

    Michelle recently posted I won't ask for much this Christmas I won't even wish for snow I'm just gonna keep on waiting underneath the mistletoe.

  148. Don’t worry my cat has terrible handwriting too. Do you think there are handwriting classes for cats? Maybe they’re just expected to cope in normal ones. I don’t think that’s very fair, we need to stand up for our cats’ rights to cat oriented handwriting classes! Wow. What am I on?

  149. I suddenly find myself attracted to ostriches

    Roy Marvelous recently posted Is The Blue Mosque Just Green With Envy?.

  150. What does sunshine even *taste* like? Their website has NO flavor explanations…

  151. If I had a cat, it would probably hate me for not at least talking about his potential apartment. Every conversation would start, “Hello, Your Fuzziness. I found an apartment you might like today…”

    Allison recently posted Eulogy for my Measuring Tape.

  152. I really like Beyonce’s card. Just change the Merry Christmas to Happy Birthday Happy Anniversary or even Get well.

    Then you can use it year-round.:)

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Another Mish Mash Monday.

  153. Are you absolutely certain that it’s not James Garfield’s handwriting? I’d be concerned that he’s conspiring to remove any competitive animal presence in the house…. he could just be manipulating you into believing you were supposed to find the cat an apartment so he can have you all to himself…………….

    The Hubby Diaries recently posted 10 Things I’m Thankful For (Hubby Diaries Style!).

  154. L O V E the photo booth pictures! Y’all are adorable!

  155. This is why I won’t own a cat. They’re sneaky like that. And frankly, I can hardly afford to keep my dogs’ spa treatments and relaxation retreats. A cat apartment would lead me to financial ruin for sure.

    Gutmeister recently posted Thanksgiving’s Coming – Whoopty Shit.

  156. I really like it when cats look disappointed in their humans which is always.

    Cat @Breakfast to Bed recently posted More Than One Way To Lohan.

  157. If you do decide to go with an apartment for the cat, I have a couple of dogs who would like to be roomies.

    Natalie recently posted Mommy Moment – Aunt Becky Style.

  158. I read this with a SNL’s “REALLY?” skit in the background. An apartment for the cat? Really? Oh, it’s an appointment. Really. Ok an apartment would have been cool. Really. Wow! Nice angel shot…really? Oh it’s not actually an angel, she says it’s an anorexic ostrich, and the body is not hers. REALLY. And then you overwhelmed me with a shitload of cute photos, funny articles, a barrage of products and other stuff and I leave here satisfied again. Thank you for starting off my day with a good dose of Bloggess. I mean, really.

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted I Love Redneck Hillbillies.

  159. That poor cat. I’m sure he was highly disappointed .I know mine would be. He’s tired of my bullshit.

    Justine recently posted Sweet Valley High was my Savior.

  160. My cats were interested in getting their own apartment until they realised that their indentured servants have to live in this one, because we’re paying for it. They tell me I can make it up to them in top of the line moist food and treats. I’m so fortunate.

    kate recently posted making faces :: little red book, part 6.

  161. Confession: I make Mr. Amazing read all the Victor dialogs… In hopes that he will just accept the crazy as Victor seems to have LOLOLOL!!!

    Kerry recently posted Mr Amazing, Smallest, Small, Tall, Tiny and Me.

  162. I would totally get my cat an apartment. If I could afford it. Or…if I had a cat.

    Charity recently posted “Hello?” No, fuck you. Really..

  163. Honestly, I’m feeling sort of bad for the Cat… He probably deserves and apartment especially if you were going to do all that advertising on him. He’d need a place to call his own after a long day of photoshoots and lunch with worthless agents. I’m glad you figured it out though. I’m constantly writing myself notes and then re-reading them and saying WTF? I have to get all Nancy Drew on myself. It’s sort of sad. I know.

    Becca recently posted “That’s Your Daughter…”.

  164. Bwahahahah — I swear, the conversations you have with Victor SO sound like the ones I have with my sweetie ;)

    On a somewhat-related note, since you’re a cat person — we recently rescued a cat who is in dire need of a home, and I’m wondering if you might be willing to spread the word, since we’re in Dallas and you’re semi-local — here is Barnaby’s story, if you have a moment.

    http://ashbet.livejournal.com/1914394.html

    Thanks so much,

    – Andi <3

  165. Melatonin gives me crazy dreams.
    I love it <3

  166. Well, you know what they say. If you buy a cat an apartment…..

  167. Warning: what treats do you feed your cat with bad handwriting?

    Because I was shocked to discover today that chicken-jerky dog treats are sickening and killing dogs. The FDA has issued a warning, but the corporations as yet are not recalling these “treats,” most of which are imported from China (even by the companies that claim they’re not).

    Thank you once again, corporate America. My dog is sick, but will hopefully be one of the lucky ones that survives.

  168. I was hoping to send this to you via email because I can’t stand the idea of you not seeing it. But a 10-second scan of your blog did not yield an email address, so…
    Jenny, hon, you have to get this tattoo:
    http://ugliesttattoos.failblog.org/2011/11/17/funny-tattoos-zombie-unicorn/
    I realize that the URL says “ugliest” and “fail”, but they are total misnomers for this particular entry. I’ll get one, too; and we can be tattoo-twins! You know you want one…

  169. Hrmmm, maybe your cat simply wants to be able to sit on the roofies of his apartment, enjoying the sunshine while he sips some NeuroSleep… *yawn* reminds me of when they used to make corn-chips that had St Johnswort in them… damn those were good for making nachos!

  170. This is completely off subject, but I was just reading at your Good Mom/Bad Mom blog thingo and saw where you’d mentioned #AllHallowsRead. I don’t know if your daughter would turn her nose up at these (they’re perfect for my 7-year-old son, who LOVES zombies and vampires and things that go bump in the night…. he keeps LOOKING for monsters under his bed and is disappointed in the lack thereof) but the Bunnicula series is AWESOME. My mother read the books to me when I was tiny and I’ve had way too much fun carrying on that tradition with my own children.

    “It’s… it’s… it’s a WHITE ZUCCHINI!!”

    Ahh, good times. :D

  171. I love the nude, anorexic ostrich pic. I need to get some mad photoshop skills, too. Oh, the people I could torment… hehe.

    Amy recently posted The Enchanting Art of Silas Toball and Angi Sullins.

  172. I love your blog! I hope you don’t mind, I added it to my blogroll.

    Richelle Pipski recently posted Happy Thanksgiving!!.

  173. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the best conversations…ever.

    Your poor, deprived, apartment-less cat….

    lisa from insignificant at best recently posted CouponCabin’s 25 Crazy Days of Giveawayz.

  174. Funny post. y? Cause I have totally had this conversation w Mr. Man. But not about a cat….cause we dont have a cat. That would have been a weird conversation….

    imperfectmomma recently posted i'm thankful.

  175. As the proud owner of not one, but TWO polydactyl cats I can assure you that there are days I think I should get them their own apartment. But then I couldn’t keep them from terrorizing neighborhoods and eating people’s babies.

  176. I’m pretty sure YOU are Jesus. Deal.

    Ruby Wildflower recently posted Dick-a-palooza.

  177. I just have to let you know that you are TRULY the most wonderful human being on earth!! I so want you to be my BFF!!! I read this shit and literally almost piss myself! Most of the people who know me are convinced that we are related……….such a compliment to me! You are who I want to be when I grow up……and if I wasn’t married and childless I so would be you! Kudos for being a mother and married and being you! Thanks for making me laugh every day! :)

  178. Totally unrelated to today’s post and yet not completely…ok..it really is totally unrelated but still:
    I think it would fulfill every dream I’ve ever dreamed (seriously!) if we could entice The Bloggess to be an onstage guest at w00tstock (http:// w00tstock.net) in thier proposed w00tStock Festival (late 2012??, location TBA). Of course we’d also have to propose that Jenny be a guest to the w00tStock gang (Paul and Storm, et al). To see The Bloggess AND Wil Wheaton (and all the other amazing, talented, funny-as-hell Geeks) would allow me to die a happy woman.
    Anyway, it was a thought.
    Jenny, I told my cat that he couldnt have an apartment until he was no longer a minor. In cat years he’ll only be 3 but it bought me a year to start putting away linens and dishes and stuff! ;)

  179. No disrespect intended, but a cat would never do this. In fact, a cat would probably sharpen its claws on his owner’s casket.

    hogsatemysister recently posted Fergie Burgling – Oklahoma Democracy in Action… Plus Also Fumes, Beer and Whoa..

  180. I am addicted to the Neuro! All of it. Please help. It’s the holidays and I am fearful that I might endanger the innocent. And when I get really really crabby and bitchy NeuroBliss evens me out. A touch. Not all the way. But for the safety of everyone it gives them a fighting chance.

  181. I had to go look up neuro the first time you posted an add because the bottles were so damn pretty. I ordered a variety pack, but it only had a few of the flavors. If this giveaway is still going on, count me as entered (or tell me how to enter?)

    Also, every time I read your blog I can’t help but smile/laugh. Thank you.

    recently posted Seriously?.

  182. I don’t usually share lionks, but this on is…well so Bloggess worthy….. If you haven’t heard about it or seen it, take a look.

    http://bit.ly/uAujmd

  183. Got an email today from the Neuro folks. Thank you SOOOOO much for selecting me, Jenny! :)

  184. What’s really great is that in the post you linked about getting the kitten, the caption on the kitty photo says “this kitten has a flat”, so perhaps you did in fact go back in time and set up an apartment (flat) for him, or he read that post and got annoyed that he did not actually have his own place and wrote a reminder for you to get him one.

  185. Daniel has more toes than your and my polydactyls combined! 26!

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/09/daniel-cat-with-26-toes_n_1138526.html#s531622

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