I suspect I’ve set a record for not being chosen to be on game shows

Conversation between me and Victor:

me:  I think if I was ever on a game show and I didn’t know the answer I’d just say “Children should NOT be forcibly placed on spikes” because then the host would be forced to say “No.  That is incorrect.”

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  So basically Pat Sajak would be on tv implying that children should be forcibly put on spikes.  And then I’d be like “Well, I want a second opinion, Pat.  Because children are not kabobs.

Victor:  I’m not even listening to you anymore.


In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by So Then…Stories, where Darcy Perdu shares her escapades, encounters and blunders – and invites you to do the same.  I highly recommend.

122 replies. read them below or add one

  1. …I may steal that if I ever end up on a game show. That is impeccable.

    Squishy Amber recently posted Excitement and Trepidation.

  2. I’m so happy to see Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on there. You deserve all the success in the world. Your blog, your book, your kindness and your heart keep me going. #furiouslyhappy

  3. We need a petition, because I would pay, or march or do anything not super illegal to see that. No federal crimes for sure. Or are those the nice prisons? Anyway, way to take a stand against Pat Sajak.

    Anne Stinnett (Wickedelfchild) recently posted It’s A Stingy Fucking Lifetime*.

  4. I know I could win on Wheel of Fortune. Are game shows even on anymore?

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Slacker.

  5. You being on a game show is one of very few things that would make me actually want to watch a game show. That, or a unicorn.

    LookItsMolly recently posted An Open Letter To The UPS Guy.

  6. Knowing that sick bastard Pat Sajak the way I do, he may indeed be pro child kabob. Or at least in favor of puppy sushi.

    Jon Hanson recently posted #70 Tell People You Are A Thrill Seeker.

  7. Those ugly renaissance babies should be put on spikes, though.
    Heck, I’ll get sharpening the stakes.

    Claire J recently posted Why Philadelphia.

  8. That is a game show I would watch. Also one in which cats were the only contestants because they would get all bitchy like the housewives of various counties (because cats are like that), except with less plastic surgery.

    Euphoria Girl recently posted Because When You Think of Christmas, Storm Troopers Usually Come To Mind.

  9. I’m going to start shouting that at home that way I can finally be right about something when Boyfriend and I argue.

    Banana Stickers recently posted King Carl For Life.

  10. I voted for your book on Goodreads, so…. you’re welcome :) :) And, also, i very much believe that you should be on Wheel of Fortune. It’s the most fun of alllllllll the game shows.

  11. Don’t worry. *I’m* still listening to you.

    Melissa recently posted Dress Me in Lace and Awkwardness.

  12. Oh, Mr. Blobby. He even had a music video. The UK has an embarrassing history of novelty pop songs at Christmas. Not something we like to admit when exporting our brand of Shakespearean thespians for Oscar duty.

    Molrella recently posted Castle Cloudberry Ballet Book Party.

  13. Should you opt to offer such a statement on a game show, it’s pretty much a certainty that you would win – if only because the judges, the host, and the other contestants would be afraid of what might happen if you do not.

    Jon Jones recently posted MEET THE SPORTSRACERS # 8 - sassypants Pt. 4.

  14. Mr. Blobby looks like a zit with measles!

    Winopants recently posted WTF Fashion: Menswear Edition.

  15. Oh what a fun idea! You could take that in so many directions. You could say, there should be equal rights for all. Babies should never ever be left in a cave to be brought up by wolves. Bacon is delicious, ok that one is really subjective. But really the possibilities are endless. Victor, lighten up.

    Ro recently posted A Phone Call from a Light Dependent Person.

  16. You have no idea how lucky you are not to know who Mr. Blobby is!

  17. This clip could not be more relevant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjC3R6jOtUo

    (watch at about 2 mins in)

    Jax recently posted Music.

  18. Q: Long metal rods used for cooking.
    A: “What are things that children should NOT be forcibly placed on”

    Yup- works for Jeopardy too.

    One classy motha recently posted Free Advice Friday – Marriage tips that may or may not help..

  19. I would never end up on a game show for similiar reasons. But, mainly because my answer would be “paper, snow, a GHOST!”

    Robyn Webb recently posted Writing An Anthropology Paper (Or Attempting To).

  20. Who even are you?! You’re amazing.

    Ashleigh recently posted We all deserve a medal..

  21. When my kids aren’t listening to me, I’ll end a sentence with, “And THAT is how babies are made!”

    That will teach them…

    Anne Parris recently posted What I Learned About My Daughter’s Period. #KotexMom.

  22. Kabob? Is that American for kebab?

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Chocolate.

  23. Why have no game shows figured out you’re a celebrity yet? You should at least be on 1 vs 100 or something!

  24. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to keep your awesomeness contained long enough to make it past the initial contestant screening.

    Heretic Husband recently posted Wackjob Wednesday 11/21/12: Featuring Sean Connery..

  25. I’d love to hear that smug Canadian Trebek say that. Pure awesome.

    Smokey recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  26. How about some John Barrowman dancing to Mr Blobby’s hit single?

  27. Excellent. I’m totally using that idea if I’m ever on a game show. It really doesn’t matter if I know the right answer or not because, let’s be serious, I wasn’t going to make it to the final round regardless.

    Katy recently posted Update: Nevermind, I need to go back to sleep because they're setting the table wrong.

  28. Ahh, Mr Blobby… That brings back memories! He used to be a character on Noel Edmonds House Party, although he might not have started out on that. He was seriously disturbing. Gave me nightmares as a kid.

    Sarah recently posted Game On!.

  29. Maybe you could ask for medieval torture methods for $500 Alex and then get the Daily Double! Or play Family Feud with the topic being “Top 5 things you never want to hear your pediatrician say”! ;)

    thedoseofreality recently posted Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.

  30. Is Executive Severance the best-selling Twitter novel in the United States, possibly the world?

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Executive Severance - the Best-Selling Twitter Novel in the United States - at the Twitter Fiction Festival.

  31. I seiously doubt children would go on spikes without force. There might be no choice.

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which goldfish live forever … practically.

  32. I think I’d be that person that always waged .01 more than the top bidder.

    Ugly Renaissance Babies is awesome. Thank you for the introduction. My life is complete.

    ColdBlooded recently posted It’s Official..

  33. It would be the best/deadliest game show ever.

    Holly Folly recently posted Moving Cinder Blocks and Why I Hate Them..

  34. I hope to see you on jeopardy some day.

    Stephen Battey recently posted Weird things..

  35. I love how the dude is so terrified of Mr. Blobby….. but I have to admit .. I would be as well… he’s creepy as fuck.

    chemgirljaime recently posted blog fodder ftw.

  36. I clicked on the leather jacket link on the Mal page, and got this:

    “Darn. This item is no longer available.

    The item “Leather Brown Coat” by clgbutterfly cannot be viewed.

    But! Here are some similar items from other shops.”

    And the similar items were all leather corsets.

  37. I SO want to see you do that to Pat Sajak. Alex Trebek could use a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to take the stiff out of his sails, too. Maybe an implication that using corn cob holders to pick up kittens is okay? I don’t know. You’re better at this than I am.

    Janene recently posted Christmas angels with attitude.

  38. So happy to hear about the success of Project Night Night. Also I would pay good money to see you humiliate Pat Sajak. And finally, Sajak looks funny spelled out.

    Sara recently posted Already There.

  39. You could probably get onto Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me. Also, the ball of twine. Maybe you should show NF that you’re a good sport by posing with a head of garlic for my blog.

    Tyler Tork recently posted Gripesgiving.

  40. Taxiderpy is awesome!
    I’m wondering if you saw the latest Photoshop Phriday, titled Taxidermy Nightmares:
    – Part I http://www.somethingawful.com/d/photoshop-phriday/bad-taxidermy-nature.php
    – Part II http://www.somethingawful.com/d/photoshop-phriday/taxidermy-nightmares.php

  41. You are SO right it’s scary. I love that you think about these things too, as a “just in case” scenario. You would make an excellent boy scout. You know, if you were a boy.

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted Santa is a creep, and needs to be stopped..

  42. I think the next words you hear after “Children should NOT be forcibly placed on spikes” will probably be something more like, “we’ll be right back after this short break.”

    katie metzroth recently posted Friend in Hoosierville.

  43. I love you. And I love Victor.

    Kathleen recently posted Dusting Myself Off.

  44. My chosen gameshow statement is “Children covered in bacon should not be eaten.”

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Tentacle Sex Fiends.

  45. I don’t know what to say about Taxiderpy, other than wow.

    I just …


    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: I finally, for real, finished the damn striped sweater.

  46. I can’t help thinking that Alex Trebek would probably be down with kid kebabs. Just something about him.

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted Condolences.

  47. You are 50 shades of AWESOME! :-)

  48. Blobby… Blobby… Blobby!!!!!

  49. I know this isn’t what you intended… okay, I think this isn’t what you intended. But in my messed up head, the link to ‘Meowy Christmas’ appear to lead to an image of your cat peering through the window of a clothes dryer. Seriously. Go back and look at it, with that big square around the circle, and the rectangle at the bottom. I thought, “OMG, she’s shoved the cat in the dryer just to get a funny photo!” Then I realized that was ridiculous. Because the cat would have climbed in by itself. My poor brain. So easily confused.

  50. You wrote Shades of Grey? Never would have guessed!

  51. LOVE the reader’s bill of rights! Tween book readers unite!!

    Nickie recently posted Meds, Chicken Blood, oh and Welcome.

  52. Thank you, I really needed that laugh :)

  53. Thanks so much for Ugly Renaissance Babies. I believe some of those high art classics are the reason why I’ve remained childless.

    Kate recently posted friday favourites 30.11.12.

  54. Well, as my husband says, meat-on-a-stick is every country’s specialty…

    Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) recently posted The Worst Toys of 2012: The Noisy Award.

  55. Though I don’t really want to be on a game show because I get that deer-in-the-headlights look anytime I have to do something in front of an audience, I’m accompanying my mother to The Wheel of Fortune auditions this month. I’m oh so good at hang man so it should be a no problem.

    I love the Ugly Renaissance Babies site.

    Lovelyn recently posted Powerball Fever.

  56. Is that kind of like saying “Do you NOT want me to not kill you?”

    The Sadder But Wiser Girl recently posted My Week: The Good, The Better, and The Best!.

  57. Please tell me you’ve watched The Big Fat Quiz of the year before. It is one of the things I look forward to every year.

    BiPagan recently posted VIDDING PANEL AT ODDCON!! Please join the panel..

  58. Hahahaha! Is there a place we can vote for you to be on a show, any show!?

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted November Recap 2012.

  59. Or you could just say “Jesus.” That’s usually the right answer. Oh wait – maybe that’s just in Sunday school.

    Melanie recently posted Holla at Santa Cruz.

  60. Congratulations on your Goodreads Award! And the top row no less. Wow.
    The closest I have come to Malcolm Reynolds is seeing the Castle set in downtown LA. They had covered the trees and ground in snow and it was 80 degrees. Nope. It didn’t melt. When we walked by the next day, it was gone. I wondered if they had a giant vacuum cleaner or Dirt Devil? Who knows…. :)

    Susie Lindau (@SusieLindau) recently posted Friday Photos and Another Fire.

  61. Mal and Genuine Hemp Twine!!!
    Somebody who reads you set this up!!! How wonderful. ;-)
    We are everywhere. Those of us who read you that is.

  62. So I just saw an ad on TV for the show “Immortalized”. I am Canadian and saw it on the channel AMC….I think you (and perhaps your father as well) may be interested. Maybe you can gather some ideas there…

  63. Mr Bloppy is everything I needed right now. Tears of love.

    Melissa Marie recently posted I'm an excellent driver..

  64. This has nothing to do with this post but I think I just found your next vacation destination. Victor will really appreciate this. Have you ever been to Alberta, Canada? A small town called Torrington has a museum that you are going to love – the Gopher Hole Museum. Trust me.

  65. omg. taxiderpy. i think i am scarred for life.

    monica recently posted Lessons for a future Monster-in-Law.

  66. I think I’m going to have Mr Blobby nightmares tonight. That was a kind of disturbing I was not prepared for.

  67. First time-commenter, long-time lurker. I loved your book (I’ve never laughed so hard while reading a memoir before!) and always look forward to your blog posts.

    Anyway, I had to leave you a comment because this showed up in my Tumblr feed this evening, and I thought immediately of you. Hope you enjoy. ^_^

    Bookewyrme recently posted December Update.

  68. I think Victor has the great makings of a book of his own…LOL

    Mishka recently posted Bug Identification: Milionia basalis Kiobi-eda-shaku.

  69. 69
    Vicki Lingle

    Dear Jenny, are you personal friends with Christopher Moore? Because his twitter background looks very familiar. https://twitter.com/TheAuthorGuy

  70. 70
    Vicki Lingle

    And if not, maybe you ought to be. Just saying.

  71. I don’t know, Victor, that seems like a perfectly reasonable solution to the problem.

    Also, hilarious that you have to link to Pat Sajek. Everyone should know who he is

    Shawn Walter recently posted Advent Calendar Reveal.

  72. Dear Jenny.
    I think I love you.
    Love Julia (who still loves the book you signed… Stiff, by Mary Roach)

    Julia recently posted He did have the harder job... right?.

  73. 73
    Lady Penelope

    I’m pretty sure Kid Kebabs taste like lamb…

    And that Mr. Bobby shit was so freaking hilarious I had to wipe away the tears!

  74. That would be fucking awesome to do on a game show!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Happy Belated Thanksgiving!.

  75. Ah, Mr Blobby! He first appeared on British TV as a prop/character in a show that liked to play tricks on celebrities where celebs would be asked to make guest appearances on a new kids’ show that featured Mr Blobby. His creepiness was part of the joke, especially when you had all these celebs taking him so seriously. Things went too far when he managed to get the Number 1 Christmas song that year though.

  76. That is awesome, except I just spit tea all over myself… I can’t imagine what a game show host/the audience would do in reaction to something that that. Whatever they did, it would be epic, of this I am sure.

    We live in Hungary right now and I just got your book, if I mail it to you, would you sign it and send it back? I’ll pay the shipping!

    (Send an email to Mary at thebloggess.com and she can send you an extra bookplate. :) ~ Jenny )

    Liz recently posted New Baby Elves.

  77. Mr Blobby!! blobby blobby blobby!! (90s flashback in full force)

  78. I am in tears over that me blobby vid. That is genius!
    Must’ve seen it 7 times now and I’m laughing harder and harder. Thank you!!

  79. Oh and babies on spikes would be better off that being babysat by mr. Blobby… So. There.

  80. You two are the best. I swear it.

    shea recently posted hometown.

  81. So when you say ‘forcibly’ if I was to accidently trip and drop one of my neighbours spawn of satan on a spike, would that be ok? Also, I couldn’t open the Mr Blobby video, something to do with copyright or something…although I don’t know why I even tried to honest. We have had about as much as we should have take of that pink spotty arsehole over the years..Chris’ nan once got mistaken for Mr Blobby..Well, when I say ‘mistaken’ I mean some kids said “Look! there’s Mr Blobby!” on account of her being a lady of sizable proportions and wearing a pink coat (which she hasn’t worn since).

    Sam Whiteoak recently posted More shit. Not necessarily Lawson inspired, but awesome none the less.

  82. I am in a point in my life where i would pay good money to see a montage of you on a game show with a shit ton of answers like that.

    natalie recently posted My biggest fear....

  83. I wouldn’t be part of a game show unless I did something as cool as Mr Blobby. I mean that guy just became my hero!!

    Miss Gee recently posted Empty spaces..

  84. The Mr. Blobby video: cue nightmares.

    Julia H. @ Live Young & Prosper recently posted Decemburpees.

  85. Holy shit, that person included the twine… If someone buys that and doesn’t know to take a picture of the holding it, in costume, and then tweet it then they are dumb.

    Erica B recently posted Heeey Geeky laaa-day!.

  86. OMG the Ugly Renaissance Babies is hilarious.

    OH…and here’s the new show coming to AMC on cable about taxidermy: http://www.amctv.com/shows/immortalized

    Jess recently posted UPDATED: Romantic Lazypantsness: It's a technical term..

  87. Oh my gods. I think I’m going to have nightmares about Mr. Blobby for years to come.

    Colleen recently posted Manah Manah!.

  88. I did not mean to laugh at Taxiderpy, but then I saw that thing dominating the globe and I couldn’t stop.

  89. Loved the Ren babies; but the taxiderpy is what nightmares are made of.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Dog friend vs cat friend.

  90. I’m so glad my job affords me the time to look at all those Ugly Renaissance Babies. Laughing like a hyena at the receptionist’s desk.

  91. I posted this on Twitter: “I offer readers of #TwitterFiction Executive Severance only blood, toil, sweat and tears-same as Fifty Shades of Grey” as it was just “favorited” by the Fifty Shades of Grey” Twitter account! Let’s see if my book sales now skyrocket!

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Executive Severance - the Best-Selling Twitter Novel in the United States - at the Twitter Fiction Festival.

  92. Woman…you are hysterical! I dig that about you!

    Jenn recently posted Really I’m Not Racist, I Just Can’t Hear.

  93. Even though he doesn’t say it, I suspect that my husband is thinking “I’m not even listening to you anymore” most of the time!

    Becki Jolly recently posted Movie Review: Deadfall (2012).

  94. Freakin’ hilarious! I’d PVR that… Pat would lose his vowels.

  95. Twine. ’nuff said.

  96. You always have the perfect response, lol!!!

    Janine Huldie recently posted The Grinch Has Left The Building–Another Christmas Decorating Post 2012….

  97. OMG. The Mr. Blobby one features JP! BLOGGESS–You need to watch the UK show “Fresh Meat.” You would love it.

  98. I regret having to inform you that the child sitting in the seat behind me on my last flight was most certainly “spike-worthy.”

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Tough Crowd of One.

  99. Kid kabobs. I adore your twisted mind. ;)

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted A PB Teen Christmas...Please God, Let Me Be 15 Again and Living In The Hamptons.

  100. Did anyone else look at Taxiderpy and just say, “WTF is that?!” That was my reaction to most of those.

    Also, WTF is Mr. Bloppy? That is the scariest damn thing (besides the taxiderpy page) that I’ve ever seen.


  101. 101
    Julie G. from Iowa

    I read your post as “CHICKEN should not be forcibly placed on spikes”. And then I began to think, “Why not?” Chicken kabobs are incredibly tasty!

  102. 102
    Pretzelogic in Philly, PA

    Wow. Just wow. I’m not sure how far back you clicked through the Ugly Renaissance Baby tumblr, but did you happen to see that on July 5, 2012, they featured a baby Weeping Angel?


    o.O Creeeeepy.

  103. You still haven’t beat my record for being ignored by morning shows, talk shows, agents, publishers and Ellen Degeneres. I’ve got that sucker locked up tight…

  104. I think it really depends on the child. ;P

  105. You got on there because we all voted for you because you’re a badass and just as crazy as we are in all the right ways. Also because you look equally as smashing on a Jumbotron and dressed as a TARDIS.
    Shine on, you crazy diamond.

    Joules recently posted Dose of Happy – Make This World Mo Betta’.

  106. I love how the reason children shouldn’t be forcibly placed on spikes isn’t because it’s dangerous or cruel or painful – but because children aren’t kabobs. Duh. :)

    Klementine recently posted From accidental table-flipping to purposeful chair-wielding. This is NOT a good trend, guys..

  107. But what if they’re those really mean children? You know the ones that pick on the weird kids, and blurt out how old and fat you supposedly are when you try to tell them that “No, the kitty doesn’t like it when you try to shave the fur off their tails”

    abby recently posted To my father, purveyor of the Old Man Dance.

  108. Congrats on your book winning on GoodReads. I voted for you!

  109. Nice!! Wouldn’t want to have to contribute to a save the children from being Kabobs on the Sunday morning infomercial.

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Inspirational Story of an Ex Paratrooper @ The Feel Good Depot.

  110. The indefinable humor on this blog doesn’t fool anyone–the intelligence is palpable! Therefore I’m stopping by to make sure that everyone here has seen the new film Lincoln.

    Smartest thing that’s been on the screen since West Wing.

    Shelley recently posted Welcome.

  111. Victor is a Saint. ;-)

    Crystal recently posted Naked Men.

  112. Well that is genius…. and evil. But genius! I can only picture the facial expression of the game host.

    Chelsea recently posted The Battle of Black Friday.

  113. Maybe you should email Mr. Sahel and ask if he’ll take a picture holding a kabob skewer…

  114. Damn autocorrect! *Mr. Sajak

  115. Holy Shit! That Blobby thing is fucking hysterical! LOL! Wow, thanks! Also, glad the night night org is doing great, again, great job Jenny!

  116. I just cried through that Mr. Blobby thing. So so wrong. I can’t wait to show my friends.

  117. Oh my gosh!!! Ireally hope you DO get on a game show someday. I’d prefer to see you on Jeopardy though because Trebek annoys me. Watching him try to handle that response would be great!

  118. Wow. Your husband comes up with that kind of stuff out of the blue?? Awesome! That is one of the funniest things I’ve read recently.

    Also, I’d keep a close eye on him.

    I mean literally. Always keep him in your field of vision.


  119. Wow. Your husband comes up with that kind of stuff out of the blue?? Awesome! That is one of the funniest things I’ve read recently.

    Also, I’d keep a close eye on him.

    I mean literally. Always keep him in your field of vision.


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