Victor: Did you check the mail?
me: Yeah, there were three bills and a box of dead hamster.
me: Everyone gets bills, babe. You can’t escape bills. It’s not personal.
me: You aren’t going to ask about the box of dead hamster?
me: Because I kind of really need you too.
Victor: Nope. Don’t care. Don’t want to be involved.
me: Because it was sent to me anonymously and it’s kind of freaking me out. Someone sent me a box of dead hamster in the mail and I don’t even know what that means. Is it some sort of code? Is it a threat? I’m not even sure it’s a hamster. Or why it has wings.
Victor: Hamsters don’t have wings.
me: I KNOW. THAT’S WHY IT’S SO UNSETTLING.
Victor: FINE. Show me your dead hamster.
I think the wings are made of human skin.
Victor: That’s…not a hamster.
me: You’re saying that because of the wings, right? But they’re detachable.
Victor: No. I mean it looks too big to be a hamster. I think it’s a guinea pig.
me: Or a small dog.
Victor: And why is it crunchy?
Victor: It’s like it’s filled with cellophane.
me: Or corn flakes.
Victor: Why would someone fill a hamster with corn flakes?
me: WHY WOULD SOMEONE SEND ME A BOX OF DEAD HAMSTER? I THINK WE CAN THROW LOGIC OUT THE WINDOW HERE, Victor.
Victor: That ship has sailed. You probably bought it yourself and just forgot.
me: I think I would remember if I bought a box of dead hamster.
Victor: Remember when you bought that cobra and forgot that you bought it until you opened it?
me: Mmm…not really.
Victor: Well, it happened.
me: Now I’m craving corn flakes.
Victor: Stop talking.
PS. Did you send me a box of dead hamster? Is there a hidden meaning? Is the crunchy noise inside of it a note explaining it? Is the hamster an envelope? For the love of God, someone help me.
PPS. The cats fucking LOVE Mr. Squeaky. If that’s what his name is.
Look at you, Mr. Squeaky. You. Are. Perfect.
Come here, you. Give us some snuggles.