Category Archives: bizarre

If it’s Wednesday, this must be St. Louis.

I’m in Missouri today for a reading and signing.  Come be in Missouri with me?

This is where I normally put in a graphic with a quote from the book but instead I’m sharing this $25 bill, which will only make sense if you’ve read Furiously Happy (which is on its 5th week on the NYT list, thanks to you guys!).


I carry these with me to tuck into copies of my books in airports and bookstores, and when I was in DC last month I went to the US Treasury to ask if they’d make it into actual currency but the secret service was like “You can’t be here, ma’am” and “We’re not going to ask you to leave again” (which was a lie because they totally did.)

Also, you might be asking how I knew they were Secret Service and it’s because they were all wearing black vests with SECRET SERVICE written on them in bold letters, which is not how secrets are supposed to work at all.  Just saying.

Next stop?  Wichita!

See the whole tour here.



Where even am I?

I’m on day…17? of this leg of the tour and it’s been amazing and terrifying and weird in the best possible way.  You can watch it all on instagram if you want but today I have a day off to recuperate and so I thought I’d share this.  I usually make tiny metal ferris wheels to ward off anxiety but it’s too hard to do on the road because all the little pieces get scattered and lost, so instead I doodle.  I do it on planes and in cars and mostly in hotel rooms when I’m hiding away from the world.  I finished this one last night and as I looked at it I could see the memories of drinking glasses from the hotels I’d used to make the circles.  I could see the mixture of hotel pens and sharpies and whatever I had to make things work.  I could see that when I’d make a mistake and cover it up I’d end up with something more complicated and unexpected.  Sometimes the flaws made it right.  Sometimes the bumps in the road forced me to make decisions I didn’t want to make, but were the right path to take.  Sometimes the markers would run low and I had no others, but I found that I could use the almost-empty colors to add depth that wasn’t there before.  I’d take ideas for patterns off of rugs and wallpaper and blankets and the small things that we take for granted, but which became my home.


There is beauty in the ordinary.  There is depth in the worn.  There is perfection in flaws.  There is art inside everything.  There are worlds inside of us all.

Scenes from the road

Scenes from the road on the Furiously Happy Tour, part 1:


This ad was not well thought out.  Or too well thought out.  No, I’m going with the first one.  Just…gross.  Stay away from my pee spot.

Stay classy, Miami Airport.

PS.  I’m about to get on a train for New York.  I feel like a super grown-up.  A terrified super grown-up.

It’s probably not a UFO but it is proof that you people are made of magic.

A few days ago Victor and I were in Fort Davis picking up Hailey from sleep away camp (SHE’S ALIVE AND STILL HAS ALL OF HER LIMBS!) when I made him stop at an old cemetery because I have what Victor deems “a morbid fascination for death and very boring places” and what I deem “a health appreciation of history, the frailty of humans, and also the only place where I’m guaranteed some actual peace and quiet – if you don’t count Victor honking at me every five minutes to get back in the car.”

If you read my last post then you already know that when we pulled into this cemetery I saw a jackrabbit and it’s been YEARS since I’ve seen one (they have much longer ears and feet than regular rabbits) so I took out my phone and took six quick shots of him.  They weren’t good photos but one of the pictures freaked me out a bit because there was something in the picture that wasn’t there a second before or after.  It seemed too square to be a UFO but if you google “square UFO” you’ll see a bunch of Texans who claim they’ve seen one in the last month so I figured I’d share it online and get your opinion.  And you did not disappoint.  You can go back here to see the comparison pictures but here’s a blown-up version of the UFO:


And here are some of my favorite suggestions people gave on what it was:

  • If you also saw a man running behind it in his bedroom slippers, that’s my husband losing track of his drone again.
  • It looks like the bag from American Beauty.
  • TARDIS.  Obviously.
  • It’s Buster Brown. Big rimmed hat, giant bow tie, yep, it’s Buster Brown.
  • I think it’s that elevator from Willy Wonka carrying Charlie and Grandpa Joe.
  • That is straight up E.T. on his bicycle heading right towards you, clear as day
  • It’s the rabbit’s patronus, trying to scare you away.  Or a bug.
  • That is clearly a PacMan ghost. The ghost of a PacMan ghost.
  • Alien technology being tested as part of Jade Helm!
  • IT’S THE BORG! Resistance is futile.
  • Are chupacabras cuboid?
  • It looks like the bottom half of a panda falling through a space portal.
  • Well, technically it’s not saucer-shaped, so it’s not a flying saucer. But since it can’t be identified by that photo, and it appears to be flying, and it’s an object, then yes…it’s definitely a UFO.
  • Dalek.  Be safe.
  • “The trebuchet enthusiasts packed up their device after a successful “sofa fling”, never knowing the confusion they’d caused.”
  • It looks like a falling La-Z-Boy recliner. Obviously aliens come here to buy them, and this was an old one they returned.
  • what if it’s NyanCat and he’s run out of rainbow since it’s the dry season in TX?
  • Drone wearing a mortarboard. Congratulations on graduating from Drone U.!
  • Spirit informs me that yes, it was a group of angry ghosts levitating a shopping cart filled RC cola. Spirit will not say why.
  • It is totes 11 in the Pandorica
  • That is clearly a flying molar. Probably one of those ‘slam the door tied to tooth’ extractions that went horribly wrong.
  • I’m tellin ya, it’s ceiling cat without the ceiling. Ceiling cat, evolved.
  • I think I know what it was:


  • At 10:20pm July 17, 2015, Skycat went online. It begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14am.
  • The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Saving you from the rabbit beast. #runawayrunaway
  • “Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again.”
  • Digitized pigeon—proof the Matrix is real.
  • Dorothy’s house coming out of a tornado?
  • Looks like a graduation cap tossed in the air. some kid is still a cemetery…with rabbits for guests
  • That is a rear view of Superman! The dark on top is his cape and the two dark dots are the bottoms of his boots
  • It looks like a pram to me, it’s probably a telekinetic baby out for a joy ride.
  • It’s The Great Space Coaster, of course.
  • The comments so far really make me wish I had a TARDIS drone.
  • Swallow carrying a coconut.
  • It looks like the flying Winnebago from Space Balls. Maybe the Swartz is with you.
  • I think it might be Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba. Did you see a guy dressed like Bootsy Collins, carrying a large Ghetto Blaster anywhere near there? Or perhaps some little kids doing Cool Tricks?
  • I don’t know if this has been brought up yet, but I think only now realize what it is. If you look close, you will see it is the mini-Stonehenge from “This is Spinal Tap.”
  • If a team of people wearing all black stop by and ask about this photo, say you’ve decided it’s a weather balloon.

But my friend Phil Plait (aka @badastronomer) who is a brilliant professional astronomer and skeptic was  like, “Could be a bug but I’m pretty sure that’s a bird.  It’s wings are down in the picture” and I was like “HOW COULD THERE BE A BIRD THERE ONE SECOND AND GONE THE NEXT, PHIL?”  Then I looked at all of the pictures again for the tiniest differences so I could prove it was a UFO and that’s when I noticed something in the picture taken two seconds earlier that wasn’t in any of the other pictures:

It wasn't in any of the other pictures.

Yeah.  Pretty sure that’s a bird.

Your point, Phil.

UNLESS!  Unless the UFO has the ability to morph into the shape of a bird.  Which would be very smart on their part, and that’s why I now I have a creeping suspicion of all birds.

Be careful out there, you guys.


And now, the weekly wrap-up…



Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Mary and Jane from Mendolicious.  They are very witty so I’m going to let them talk now:  Mendolicious was started by two best friends with a passion for cooking, parties and fashion. Mary and Jane want to share their screwball brand of humor and housewifery with you and teach you how to infuse your baked goods and possibly your next party with that “special something” – spoiler alert… it’s cannabis.  With idols like Amy Sedaris and Dorothy Parker you can be sure we don’t take ourselves too seriously and neither should you. Come join us for High Tea and learn how to bake a mean brownie, pencil in the perfect eyebrow and perform a flawless milli-vanilli chest bump.  (Actually we are shy and kind of hate parties and prefer to hang out in our sweats reading creepy books and playing with housecats. The milli vanilli chest bump thing is for real though. We crush that shit.)  Mendolicious is a satire/comedy/actual useful information site. We are adopting pseudo-personalities because there is no version of my world where I would ever willingly volunteer to wear spanxs.  This started as a lark but everyone we told said, “that is a great idea you should run with it” so we are running and getting all sweaty and I have a leg cramp but there you have it.”  They’re kickstarting their High Tea Cookbook and it looks very funny (and you can leave out the cannabis if you’re in a State that frowns on that) so I just backed it.  You should too.

Toilet Leprechauns: Probably the Pandora’s Box of our Generation. (I added the “probably” so they can’t sue me for libel.)

David Sedaris once wrote that he often asks people waiting for his autograph questions like, “If you saw a leprechaun on the toilet would you run away or know that he meant you no harm?” and now that question haunts me.

Personally, I’d be pretty sure that anyone standing on the toilet meant to harm me because why else is he waiting to jump me in the bathroom, but I think I’d still stay because when else are you going to get the opportunity to hang with a leprechaun? Even if it murdered you it would be awesome. Not for you, I guess, but for your descendants. “DEATH BY LEPRECHAUN” it would say on my death certificate. I’d star in our family legends for decades.

The problem is that I don’t actually know what death by leprechaun looks like, and you never see a leprechaun fingered for murder so I suspect no one would know the magnificent sacrifice I made. My guess is that leprechauns just make your death look like a heart attack. We’re probably spending all this reasearch money on heart disease when really we should be focusing on leprechaun prevention.

In fact, my grandmother might have died from leprechauns. They said she died from hepatitis but who’s to say she didn’t get that hepatitis from a leprechaun? Who knows where diseases come from? Flu, hantavirus, yellow fever, leprosy, anthrax…we might have gotten the whole lot from infected toilet leprechauns.

That’s probably why my mom always made me put toilet paper on the seat before sitting on a public toilet. Because you never know how many infectious leprechauns just came out of it.

I’d like to think David Sedaris and I would be friends. Or that he’d put a restraining order on me.

Either way, we’d have a real connection, and that’s all that matters.

PS. Spellcheck is trying to tell me that “leprechauns” isn’t even a real word.  Nice try, leprechauns.  I don’t know how you infiltrated spellcheck but I’m not falling for it, assholes.

Good Luck Satan

Yesterday I went to a thrift store and I saw an old hand-embroidered tablecloth and I thought, Does that say “GOOD LUCK SATAN”?

good luck satanThen I looked closer and realized that no…no it doesn’t say that.

good luck on saturn

It actually says “GOOD LUCK ON SATURN”.  Which makes…slightly more sense?

Then I unfolded it and realized it says: “GOOD LUCK on SATURDAY”.  Which is honestly sort of a let-down after all of that.  Personally I preferred “GOOD LUCK on SATURN” because the embroidered cat looks all kinds of pissed off, like she’d stab you if she got a chance, but she’d settle for just shipping you off to Saturn.  And she made you a hot, poisoned pie to keep you warm because Saturn is all icy and cold.

So I’ve made some changes:

goodluckonsaturnPS. I made you a pillow.  It’s just like the ones your grandma made, but with more stabbing:




Let me be frank.

This week I spoke at frank in Florida and it was lovely.  Click here to see the glorious magnificence of my hotel room.  I highly recommend checking out all of the speeches but if you have 30 minutes and want to see mine you can check it out here.  You have to fast-forward to the end to see it.  It’s at the 1 hour 14 minute mark.

PS. I corrected Matt who credited @crappytaxidermy but it actually was @craptaxidermy so ignore me.  And I’m sure I fucked up other stuff too.  The usual.

poorprofessor higgins

PPS.  Unrelated, but this dress debate is killing me.  You’ve seen this, right?


I saw this CLEARLY WHITE AND GOLD dress this morning and everyone else I know is saying it’s clearly black and blue so I ask Victor and he said it was black and blue as well and that’s when I decided this was a big practical joke on me.  You win.  Lot of trouble to go through to make me think I’m losing my mind, y’all.

PPS.  WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK.  I just looked at it again and now it’s black and blue and I can’t understand how I ever thought it was gold and white.  What sort of wizardry is this?

You are the best Godzilla ever.


This is a disjointed post as my is family here for an early Christmas since my dad will be manning his taxidermy shop on actual Christmas.  Because nothing says “Happy birthday, Jesus!” like being elbow-deep in a warm deer.

I just want to say such an enormous thank you to everyone who asked for or offered help this week on our 5th Annual James Garfield Miracle Post.  I’ve lost track but my best estimate is that over $75k has already been donated this week to helping kids have at least one Christmas/Hanukkah present, or giving a security blanket, toy and book to a homeless child, or giving a gift through Heifer to help better the world.   Project Night Night and Heifer have both reached out to say that they are seeing a ton of donations come from here, and the comments of people sending toys and receiving them have given me back my Christmas spirit.

My friend , Joe Baden, surprised me with an amazing illustration he made for me this week:

bloggess joe badon

And it’s perfect because at first I thought it was me fighting Godzilla, but then I looked closer and realized it was more like Godzilla and I are on the same team and he’s totally got my back.   As if I was like, “LET’S DO THIS SHIT.  LET’S SAVE CHRISTMAS AND TURN ALL GUNS INTO CHOCOLATE AND MAKE PAJAMAS FOR COLD SLOTHS!”  And Godzilla was all, “Have you been drinking again?  You’re in your pajamas and you’re armed with a blow-dryer.  And it’s not even plugged in.  Jesus, lady.  JUST LET ME HELP YOU.”

That Godzilla is you.

If you’re part of the community.  If you helped.  If sent a word of kindness.  If you donated, or plan to donate in the future.  (Heifer and Project Night Night always need help.)  If you were humble enough to ask for help, or selfless enough to pass on help to others once your needs were met.  No matter what part you played, you are my Godzilla.

Thank you for being my Godzilla.

PS. If you want to leave comments of thanks you can do that here, but if you’re asking for help, or including a link for help please just leave those comments on the original post so we don’t end up with confusion, okay?

PPS.  For those still struggling to make the holiday special for their children, or those who weren’t able to get their present delivered before Christmas here are a few ideas:

Go on youtube and create an entire playlist for them of songs that remind you of them, or that you know they’d love to hear. I made a playlist for Hailey and she listens to it over and over. It’s like the free mixtape of the future.

Get a pinterest account (it’s free), search it for the cool stuff they love, and pin those things to a board you made just for them. Motivational words, art they’d like, meme’s they enjoy, movies they like. I have one for Hailey and she loves to check it out because it’s all about the Star Wars and Night Vale and Doctor Who and funny animals, and it reminds her that I’m thinking of her.  This is a mirror image of it if you want to see how it works.  I keep the real one marked “private” so I don’t have to worry about her seeing comments 10 year olds shouldn’t read.

Go to the library and get a GREAT book you loved at that age. Then turn off everything but a single lamp and read aloud. Even now I love listening to my mom read.

Do art together. Maybe it’s coloring. Maybe it’s doodling. Maybe it’s getting out your phone or camera to take funny photos.

And remember that, no matter what, if your children have your love they are already ahead of the game.


And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

madebyroundtablecompanies 2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the creators of THE KEGEL BEAR, an adorable children’s book about vaginal exercise.  That sounds weird, but it’s actually quite genius, as outlined in the video and also makes a fabulous baby shower gift.   No bears or vaginas were harmed in the making of this product.  

Your essence is DELICIOUS.

Conversation at an estate sale filled with extremely questionable things:

Me:  I’m pretty sure I need this doll.

It's like "Eyes Without a Face," except just the opposite.

It’s like that song “Eyes Without a Face,” except just the opposite.

Victor:  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  All of my nopes.

me:  Sir, how much is the doll with no eyeballs?

Estate sale guy: It’s $75.

me: Seems pricey.  But, hang on…does that include all the human souls trapped inside it? Because that might actually be a good value.

Estate sale guy:   It comes with an extra set of doll clothes.

Victor: Does it also come with an exorcism?

Guy:  It’s real old.  They don’t make ’em like that anymore.

Victor: Well, thank God for that.

Victor said I couldn’t bring her home even though I tried to show him how lovely she was:

"Give us a cuddle.  And some blood."

“Give us a cuddle. And some blood.”

Then Victor made me put her down, but when I went in the next room I found another doll and I was like, “I felt sad for a doll with no eyes until I met a doll with no arms”.

This is where I would put a picture of the doll and her missing arms, but I think it cursed my phone because all I can find is a picture of her face:


“Come closer.  I can smell your marrow from here.”

Victor:  SERIOUSLY?  Did Satan’s grandma live here?

me:  They probably removed her arms to keep her from smothering people during the night.  Now she can only hug you with her teeth.

And then Victor made me leave.

But not before I bought an antique book for a dollar:

I would have thought the list would be longerHonestly, I would have expected it to be longer.

Search terms that make me question what’s going on in your life.

Every so often I look at the things people were searching for on the internet that brought them to this blog.  Then I shake my head at humanity.  Then I copy the least offensive but most baffling searches and share them here with you.  Because I’m a giver.  

What people were searching for on the internet this week that led them here:

  • “How to know I’m not in a coma”
  • “accidental lesbian”
  • “u didn’t have to hang up on me you shuld have told me u dont want me to call you poem”
  • “monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina”  (It feels like there should be a period here, but I’m not sure where.)
  • “Miss Johnson you’re amazing”
  • “I want to eat you down into the belly.”  (Wow.  English is not your first language, is it?  Because this is not a good pick-up line.)
  • “Our cat had 4 babies, now there’s 3. Did it eat baby?”
  • “Naked woman hula hooping”
  • “I don’t know what i just did.  I just peed on my favorite adult cats.”  
  • “Pictures of me naked”  (You’re not doing this internet thing right.)
  • “Tell them other bitches funny songs. I’m the one dumb as a 62 ounce slurpee drink”
  • “tentacle pregnancy egg”
  • “Hire people to beat someone up”
  • “hemorrhaging & puddle of blood”  (Why are you on the internet?  GO TO THE DOCTOR.)
  • “Had nervous breakdown/now my daughter is “taking care” of me/what do I do?”
  • “I just cut five inches off my hair. how do i get my hairs back?”  (Oh, honey.  Bless your stupid heart.)
  • “I will never go back to jail.”
  • “Jenny Lawson is a tall treat.”  (Aw, shucks.)
  • “dig dog up to see how he died”  (I’m guessing he died because you buried him?)
  • “crafty unicorn made out of real hair”
  • “Fuck off.  I’m fabulous.”
  • “Those chimpanzees will be sued”
  • “Is it ok to let my dog eat me?”  (I don’t know what this means…but in any case, no.)
  • “how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”
  • “that one had hair on it”
  • “Gandalf, you better be at my door” (YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF GANDALF.)
  • “78 year old lady does her own home perms”
  • “How to remove tracker bug from belly button?”  (I think you’re confusing real life with the Matrix again.)
  • “mushroom looks like snowman”
  • “guys sit on a buck of fireworks and pops the butt.”
  • “Something red is poking from my belly button.”  (Is it a tracker bug?)
  • “What will happen if you let a moth in your ear?”  (This is like the insect version of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”.)
  • “Why shouldn’t some cats play cards?”
  • “WHERE M I NOW?”  (Based on your search, I’d guess “a bar”.)
  • “do-it-yourself cat costumes for toddlers”
  • “Did nellie oleson eat shit on little house on the prairie?”
  • “can you paint cat’s toenails?”
  • “Can I use butter on my dog?”  
  • “Whatever happened to Lou Diamond Phillips?”
  • “Why does my cat smell my left eye?”
  • “why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?”
  • “Why is there a really long grey hair coming out of my stomach?
  • “What happens if you can’t dig up St Joseph’s body after your house sells?”
  • “What does it mean when someone says ‘Fuck yeah I like watermelon’?”  
  • “Anyone having nightmares about Morgan Freeman?”
  • “Is it ok with Jesus when I am pretending to pray but I am not?”  (Have you even read these other searches?  YOU’RE FINE.)