Things I learned on my trip to Puerto Rico:
1. The President’s Club at the airport offers free alcohol. Surprisingly, no one is drunk.
2. There are no President’s and lots of old white people in the President’s Club. Disappointing on both parts.
3. I just figured out why no one is drunk here. This amaretto sour sucks. Victor: “Yeah, and also it’s only 9am, drunky.”
4. Victor just yelled at me that if I get him kicked out of the President’s Club he’ll never speak to me again. Two minutes late he was pretending to be a professional cockfighter and yelling “My cock is stronger than yours!” in a Spanish accent. Alcohol is the great equalizer.
5. These cocktails are better than I thought.
6. We just almost got kicked out of the President’s Club. Victor wouldn’t let me do shots with a bunch of guys headed for Vegas and then he got all pissy when I called him a “Republican”. I was totally going to introduce him as an up-and-coming cockfighter to the Vegas guys but it’s too late now.
7. On the plane: First class kicks ass. They just brang me a hot towel. I mean “brought”. I don’t think you’re supposed to say “brang” in first class. Or “fuck”. I’m sitting here watching Frisky Dingo, drinking wine, eating cheese and some chick just set up some sort of elaborate picnic on my lap. At this point the plane could crash and I’d still consider it a successful vacation.
8. Scratch that last line. That was the xanax talking.
9. So I get these movie headphones FOR FREE?! To keep?! That is insane. I officially hate rich people now. I think I could ask the stewardess for Jim Morrison’s skull and eight blonde virgins and she’d totally make it happen. Ooh! More cashews!
10. They just shut that flimsy little curtain that separates first class and everyone else and I was all “Good! You poor motherfuckers shouldn’t be able to look at us.” I think first class is changing me. Also, Victor just reminded me that we’re flying coach on the way back. Now I know just how Marie Antoinette felt.
11. The stewardess just gave me six pieces of silverware to eat a bunch of stuff that I’m pretty sure is all finger food. Which fork is the cracker fork?
12. Me: “This is so opulent. I feel just like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. Except, you know, without almost getting raped by Jason Alexander.”
Victor: “Well, vacation’s not over yet.”
14. 3 hours into the flight I look out the window. Nothing but water forever.
Took another xanax.
15. I want to live in the lavatory. It’s all my air inside that room. None of this re-breathing other people’s air in there. I wonder if you can die from carbon dioxide poisoning on a long flight? I bet you can. I’m more concerned about the pilot, actually. I hope the poor bastard has his own airtank up there. Maybe I should mention this to the stewardess. Victor keeps wondering why I’m spending so much time in the bathroom. I’m totally not going to tell him. Let him figure it out for himself. That bathroom air is mine!
16. Victor did NOT record all the Frisky Dingo episodes on his ipod. There are like ten missing and when I told him about it he just shrugged. There will be hell to pay.
17. Found something else he downloaded though called “My Bare Lady”. Disappointingly it is not porn. But it does have porn stars in it. So, partial credit.
18. Journaling is a lot like twittering except with less feedback. Also no people telling me they just made a sandwich or have to poop. I miss those people.
19. You know what they should make? Twenty-five dollar bills.
Also, they should put ads on the cash and the money can go to lowering our taxes. And they could put coupons ON the money to make you want to spend it and stimulate the economy.
I’m pretty sure I just solved America’s national deficit issues. Victor is frustratingly nonplussed. The plane lands in 5 minutes. I want another drink but Victor thinks I’ve had enough. I think he’s just jealous that he didn’t come up with the twenty-five dollar bill.
To be continued if I don’t get distracted which will probably totally happen.
Comment of the day: I am thinking you should not actually take Xanax and drink. Isn’t there a warning on the side of the bottle that says just that? Hmmmm, does it make the Xanax work better? Get back to me on this. ~ Cedarflame
And my rebuttal: It is very true that you should not take xanax and drink. But you should also not poke cheetahs with sticks and that never stopped me. Eventually one of these things may kill me but at least I will have known the thrill of poking cheetah’s with sharp sticks. I’m not making sense, am I? I blame the xanax mixer. Which I did not drink because they are illegal. ~ Jenny, the bloggess (who is a very poor example according to most people.)