Thanks for the zombies, Jesus!

Conversation Victor and I had in the car:

Me: Oh my God, did you see the name of that cemetery?  “Resurrection Cemetery”.  What a terrible name for a cemetery.

Victor:  It’s because they believe in the resurrection of believers, dumbass.

Me:  Still.  Some things just shouldn’t be resurrected.  Just what we need is a bunch of damn zombies wandering the earth. 

Victor:  Yeah, that’s not “resurrection”.  That’s “reanimation”.

Me:  Same difference.  Although I guess “Reanimation Cemetery” would be slightly more disturbing. 

Victor: It’s not the same difference.  Zombies are reanimated, but they don’t have their previous mental capacity so it’s not a resurrection.  Technically it’s “zombification”.

Me: Well if you want to get all technical, then how about vampires?

Victor: Um…they’re fine? 

Me:  No.  I mean, vampires have their “previous mental capacity”, thus by your logic they are resurrected.  They might as well name it “Jesus-Is-Bringing-Back-Vampires Cemetery”.

Victor:  It’s not the same thing because when you resurrect someone from the grave they aren’t undead.

Me:  No, they are TOTALLY undead.  That’s like the very definition of the undead.

Victor:  No.  A vampire is undead.  The resurrected aren’t undead.

Me:  I think you don’t know what “undead” means.

Victor:  I THINK YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT UNDEAD MEANS!

Me: God, calm down, Darwin.  Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey-wrench in your faulty zombie logic.

Victor: *sigh*  Look, there are all sorts of exceptions you aren’t considering.  You can reanimate someone without making them a “zombie”.  For example, you can just bring them back simply to perform a task.

Me.  Yeah.  And that’s called a zombie.

Victor:  No, because they wouldn’t crave brains.  They’d just have a job to do.  Look it up.

Me: Oh I will look it up.  I’ll look it up in “The Dictionary Of Shit That Doesn’t Exist”. 

Victor: *glower*

Me: I wonder if this is the weirdest fight we’ve ever had.

Victor:  Not even close.

Comment of the day: A quick google seach on resurrection and reanimation turned up that “There is a difference between resurrection and resuscitation, or re-animation. Resurrection refers to putting on a new, glorified body, while re-animation, or resuscitation, mean raising the person in the old, mortal body in which they died.” (ref)  So zombies are re-animated, vampires are undead, and Jesus and Meredith Grey were resurrected.  As for the comment I saw about zombies being made up – the brain-eating in films was made up, but they’re based on voodoo, just like in other films such as Weekend at Bernie’s. ~ Cyniclite

Updated to add: I just realized Meredith Grey never got a glorified body, so she was just resuscitated. I should have said Jesus and Robocop were resurrected. ~Cyniclite

128 thoughts on “Thanks for the zombies, Jesus!

Read comments below or add one.

  1. last night my husband was standing next to a bag of tacos that i had just brought home from the crazy chicken in spanish.
    i was sitting on my ass in front of my laptop about 29 feet away.
    he asked me WHICH TACOS WERE SOFT AND WHICH ONES WERE CRUNCHY?

    so i threw the cat at him.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..The Hardest Question to Answer

  2. The dead people I know totally resent all those distinctions. They just want to either be dead or ghosts. Again, Victor is something of a troublemaker. He seems to like to complicate things for the sake of complication. Unless you learn to roll with the punches, Jenny The Bloggess!, your future looks bleak.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Weekly Pan II

  3. Zombies=voodoo undead

    Until Matheson’s “I am Legend”. And then, you know what happened? They weren’t voodoo anymore, they were just a bit undead-ish. But they didn’t crave brains. They were fucking vampires. That’s right. Vampire-Zombies.

    After Matheson, Romero made them the slow lurching zombies we all know and love, but they still didn’t eat brains. Check it: Night of the Living Dead=no brain eating.

    Romero had a partner. When they split after NotLD, Romero made Dawn of the Dead and the rest of that series. Still no brain eating.

    Romero’s partner made “Return of the Living Dead”. And THAT’S the movie where zombies as brain eaters arrived.

    So, to recap. Zombies=Voodoo-vampire-non-brain-eating/brain-eating-undead-lurchers-sprinters-mutes-talkers.

    So yeah. I think Jesus wins that argument. You and Victor both lose.

    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..Suburbanity and the Future

  4. I was reading that with Victor having a condescending voice all superior like.

    You on the other hand were all exasperated.

    And right. Damn right. Stoopid men with their facts from the dictionary of dumbasses. First page should read ‘the chick is always right’

    Kelley’s last blog post..Man I am getting old.

  5. All I can do is sit here and giggle like a little girl.

    I had a similar conversation with my friend M last night, except he kept throwing in Wrath of Khan references, which? Zombies? On Star Trek? I must have missed that episode.

    Major Bedhead’s last blog post..Just Keep Swimming

  6. When I go to church with my husband, I’ll wait for the preacher to say something like “raised the dead” and I’ll glaze over and raise my arms and whisper “Zombie Jesus want braaaaaains”.

    He doesn’t think I’m as funny as I think I do. I mean, even after about 20 times, I still think that joke rocks.

    Chase’s last blog post..Oh Yeah. Those Picture Things.

  7. I have to side with Victor on this one, I think he was holding back on the vampire lore, because we all know that they are undead, which means not dead, as in never died and uh, I forgot what I was going to say…

    Oh wait it’s your blog, so I take that all back. You are correct!!

  8. I need to talk with my husband more – we never have interesting fights like this.

    My take is that they’re all undead, just different kinds. Much in the same way there are different kinds of animals, you know?

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Haiku Friday – What Now?

  9. There was a Resurrection Cemetery near where I grew up and it had a ghost called Resurrection Mary, who died on the way to her high school prom.
    If a man alone in a car drove by the cemetery around midnight she would hitchhike but she wouldn’t be in the car once you got past the cemetery.

    She wasn’t a zombie or a vampire, she was a ghost. So you’re both wrong.

    Woodlandmama’s last blog post..A Post That Goes South Pretty Quick

  10. That’s just about the best car conversation I’ve ever heard. Or read. And after faithfully watching every episode of Buffy the entire time it was on, from good Angel to no soul Angel and back to good then through that weird phase when Buffy had crazy mad hot sex with Spike I still don’t know all the zombie/vampire caveats. And I declare myself Queen Dork.

    Carolyn…Online’s last blog post..Girls gone wild. Sort of.

  11. Jenny, I’m sorry to tell you, but Victor is right. But at least the 2 of you still have some pretty funny stuff to fight about. That’s called LOVE!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..I’m Not Dead!

  12. When I see you have posted something new, I always make sure to put my drink down for fear of it coming out my nose and to make sure I have used the potty so I don’t pee myself. Y’know, because of the hilarity.

    And now I have to worry about Zombies? Geez.

  13. Vampires and zombies are just like midgets and dwarves. Exactly the same, only different.

  14. I want to pick a favorite line and I’m gonna go with – “Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey-wrench in your faulty zombie logic.”

    I bow to what was possibly the best post I’ve ever read.

    Alice’s last blog post..Nothing to See… Just Walk On By

  15. Now I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray the lord my soul to keep,
    and if I die before I wake,
    please Jesus let me come back as a zombie so I teach Victor the difference between reanimation and resurrection.

    heather spohr’s last blog post..Elastic Eight

  16. I’m pretty sure Willow and Xander had this argument once. Before Willow went all wicca-magician, of course, because then she could have just turned Xander into a newt and been declared the winner on a TKO. Maybe that’s an option you should consider for the next time.

  17. I hate to admit it, but that’s a conversation you’d hear around the halls here at Barking Mad…or in the car…or outside whilst BBQ’ing! What makes it even more ironic, living in Maine like we do (HELLO Stephen King much?), we have several ANCIENT bone yards with interesting, if not unusual names. “Bitter Cane”, “Peaceful Ressurection” (oxymoron anyone?) and one of my recent favs “Reed Eater”, I can’t even think of anything to say about that last one that isn’t nasty!

    I try not to dwell on it because if I do I get visions of “Pet Cemetary” caught up in my head and refuse to take the dog for walks at night because….well let’s just leave it there.

    Seriously though, undead is undead is FREAKING undead!

    Auds’s last blog post..Showdowns and Strawberries

  18. Followed your link back and as we (hubby and myself) were reading this he reminded me that I am not allowed to start blogging our conversations despite the fact that he thinks we are just as funny. (We aren’t.)

  19. Mkay, so. I know that golems are animated, but not really reanimated because as they are just a pile of crap, they were not animated before.

    Vampires are undead, but are they resurrected? Because They sort of die, but don’t because of the blood that the old vampire gives the new vampire. It’s like their heart stops, but the brain keeps going? So they’re not resurrected, I’m thinking, because they don’t completely die.

    Zombies aren’t resurrected, they’re reanimated, and they need food to keep kicking because they’ve got internal organs to support, right, and golems are crap, so they don’t. I think.

    Anyways. I think I’m on Victor’s side. Though I hope that cemetary is the first stop for Jesus during the Second Coming, because they’ve totally earned it.

    Captain Steve’s last blog post..Crazy Cat Lady

  20. ohmygawd. i’ve been lurking around for a little while now, but i just had to tell you that this is some funny ass shit. oh jeezus. i’m crying. i’m sure there are funnier things in the universe, but i can’t think of a single one.

    just beth’s last blog post..Is this what normal feels like?

  21. I don’t have a cat named Posey, but I SWEAR this is exactly like the conversations Victor/Darwin and I have! But-cept ours would have probably ended with me saying, “Oh, you just think you’d be able to get it on with the she-zombies, that’s why you defend them.”

    Y’know this insanity could have all been avoided if the cemetery had a normal name. Sheesh.

    Jen/stuff jen says’s last blog post..July 12: Another reason I never want to move

  22. Yeah, exactly what does “undead” mean to Viktor?

    And by the way – that fight pales in comparison over the argument I had with my husband about Cherry Jam yesterday. Yes, you read that correctly – freaking jam.

    Karmyn R’s last blog post..The Beginning of Getting Back

  23. I hate to break it to both of you, but the zombie uprising? IS SO TOTALLY GOING TO HAPPEN (if the vampires don’t get us first, that is.) Better to get the argument out of the way now so you can worry about hoarding canned goods and crossbows when the time comes.

    Oh hey, email me if you ever need a tinfoil hat. I make them in my spare time when I’m not distilling my urine. I clearly have the market cornered in Crazy.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Scenes From a Chat

  24. Who decides the Zombie rules? Zombies are completely made up, right? Right?!

    (Just watched I am legend last night and this post is bringing it all back. I double checked all the locks last night just in case a very Zombie-Like darkseeker was lurking around our neighborhood.)

    P.S. Your husband is too smart for his own good. They’re difficult when they’re smart.

    Jen Maselli’s last blog post..In Your Face Gymboree

  25. I actually know two people with profound, intense zombie phobia. Like they have emergency plans for zombie invasions.

    Also, thanks for the pimp on Good Mom/Bad Mom!

    Maria’s last blog post..alphabadass

  26. I personally do not want to be around when the resurrected walk the earth. They have been looking down at us from heaven watching all the super-secret, private stuff we do behind closed doors. As far as I’m aware zombies don’t talk, can’t tell secrets and are more interested in fresh brains than retribution for the mean things I said about the dead. Besides, a shovel and a shotgun can easily take care of any zombie menace…

    Arizona Albino’s last blog post..Customer Service is a Myth

  27. Okay, Jenny, if you and the Bible are equally accurate, then wouldn’t that make Jesus himself a zombie? I thought he craved hearts, not brains.

    Still…Zombie Jesus would be cool. “He’s back from the dead and hungry for your internal organs. Repent now! Um…then prepare to be eaten anyway. He can’t help it – he’s a zombie.”

  28. I love you people. By the time we get to about 50 comments I get too intimidated to leave a comment in my own comments which is possibly the weirdest phobia ever but I have to say that it makes my heart warm to know how many of you have given this whole “Is Jesus a zombie and should I murder his followers when they return from the dead” thing. Personally I’m leaning toward reasoning for a truce with the undead and if that doesn’t work, a violent yet elegant suicide. I would *never* kill zombie Jesus & his undead followers (kick-ass name for a band, btw) and I’m not just saying that because it’s Sunday and God might be listening. I’m saying it because I’m a Christian. An unbaptized, non-churchgoing Christian who believes that Jesus will be bringing back zombies to eat us.

  29. OMG thank you. This is the BEST: “The Dictionary Of Shit That Doesn’t Exist” You always make me laugh.

  30. Crap. Now I’m stuck singing that Jonathan Coulton song about how all we want to do is eat your brains.

    I’m with Victor though. Reanimation and Resurrection? Not the same. But the idea of Zombie Jesus totally cracks me up.

  31. I saw your note on Twitter. My 3yo has been doing the SAME exact thing. No fever, eating alright…but complains his tummy hurts and then the vomit of course. Hope yours feels better. I’m thinking of taking mine to the dr tomorrow.

  32. My argument would have gone largely along the same lines as yours, which, kudos to you for throwing in that vampire monkey wrench. I would totally have done the same.

    I must say, though, that it’s always nice to have a Victor with whom to argue. 🙂

    Atherton Bartelby’s last blog post..No Words

  33. That had me laughing out loud! I loved it!

    My husband have random nothing fights like that too. We always sit there and go “really? are we really doing this?” We say let’s just leave it alone and stop fighting. Then one of us under or breath says “but you are still wrong” [mostly me]. lol

    This Military Mama’s last blog post..Let The Walls Fall Down

  34. I always envy those in life who find their true Soulmates. When the rapture occurs I hope you both go up to glory together. Or turn into Vampires, or Zombies, OR NINJAS.

    I hope during the rapture you both transfigurate as NINJAS, yeah that’s it, that’s what I really hope for you.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..No! Please, don’t speak.

  35. Okay, so I was thinking more about Zombie Jesus and then I suddenly realized all of all those hymns I learned in church may not have been so innocent after all.

    “Savior Like a Shepherd Lead Us”…yeah, right into a zombie trap!
    “Safe in the Arms of Jesus”…sure, the arms are safe, it’s the teeth you have to worry about.
    “Jesus Loves the Little Children”…what, as a snack?

    And now I finally understand that the much beloved “What a Friend We Have In Jesus” is actually the zombie national anthem. This might be a good reason not to hum this particular hymn of “comfort” when taking a shortcut through a creepy graveyard because then all the zombies would start humming along and following you and eventually there would be hundreds if not thousands and it would end up just like that old Coke commercial where all those people are joined together on a hillside singing “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” except there would be slightly more brain eating.*

    *Okay, before you fire flaming arrows of damnation in my general direction, Jesus is probably okay with this. He might even be laughing right now. He has to have a good sense of humor, right? After all, he did create some pretty funny things. Like zombies, for example.**

    **Still think I’m writing my ticket to H-E-double-hockey-sticks? Well, consider this rationalization, then: My dad – a longtime choir director for a traditional Christian church (not a zombie church) and a kind-hearted man with a deep, sincere faith and good things to say about everyone he ever met, used to sit in church and secretly add “…when in bed” to the end of hymn titles just for kicks.*** Try it sometime. Then imagine my dad doing this. If he’s going to hell for this, we’re all doomed.

    ***My dad didn’t actually write “when in bed” in the hymnals. He just thought it. Which is essentially the same thing, however, according to St. Paul, who, as I understand it, is not a zombie…yet.

  36. I really thought that my husband and I had the weirdest conversations until I started reading your blog. But we usually don’t talk about zombies, usually it’s just strippers and hookers and what will happen to us when he dies. ‘Cause he’s going to die. Apparently I will live forever…like a zombie, or a vampire.

    Kylie’s last blog post..You might not want to read this

  37. Hilarious! [new reader, btw – found you via Cynical Dad]

    I’ve got to agree with you — the undead are the undead, period. And undead are pretty much zombies. And resurrection? Basically the same as reanimation. So, by that logic, Jesus is a brain-eating zombie. (sorry Jesus!)

  38. “God, calm down, Darwin. Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey-wrench in your faulty zombie logic.”

    Best comeback EVAR. (I’m so stealing this)

    MY LOVE FOR THE BLOGGESS EXPANDS!!

  39. I feel like a complete loser…I just read most of your comments (this, when I barely have time to read POSTS for crying out loud!).

    Some observations:

    a) Is calling you “funny ass shit” a compliment? And isn’t it redundant to name where it comes from?

    b) I think you should table your current book and start on the D.O.S.T.D.E. Right!Now!

    c) For some reason, that dictionary title reminds me of the Veggie Tales “Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything”. I have no idea why.

    d) The peep who can’t read the nametag sure can WRITE…!

    e) I can’t believe you wrote this: “A unbaptized…”. The grammar police in me just blew a whistle, which further suggests my loser status above.

    f) I wonder if blog karma will insert a few typos in my comment for #e.

    g) I DO realize “e” is a letter.

    h) For the record, I hadn’t thought about zombies or vampires since Scooby Doo til you started writing about ’em. Maybe you and Victor should consult with Hanna-Barbera.

    i) After re-reading my comment, I’m pretty sure they got my brain…….

    Robin’s last blog post..Pig twitchy? Mouse touché!

  40. I was all “Is that not how you spelled ‘baptized’? Is it spelled with an s?” Then I saw it. I’m an idiot.

    In my defense though, I was drunk when I wrote that (and also unbaptized) so it’s really surprising that’s the only thing I got wrong.

  41. That is so something my Hubby and I would discuss. He’s all about the Zombies!

    Thanks for stopping by today; it made me feel quite special to see such a Goddess Of Blogging visit my little blog.

  42. I wonder if Ryan and Victor were separated at birth. That would mean we’re sort-of related. What a jacked up/awesome family reunion that would be.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..five years

  43. I told my wife that I was far too busy at work to respond to this blog post which she sent me, but it’s eating away at my brain (pun intended)… of course, I only have time to scan the comments, so apologies if I’m repeating someone else.

    A quick google seach on resurrection and reanimation turned up that “There is a difference between resurrection and resuscitation, or re-animation. Resurrection refers to putting on a new, glorified body, while re-animation, or resuscitation, mean raising the person in the old, mortal body in which they died.” (ref)

    So zombies are re-animated, vampires are undead, and Jesus and Meredith Grey were resurrected.

    As for the comment I saw about zombies being made up – the brain-eating in films was made up, but they’re based on voodoo, just like in other films such as Weekend at Bernie’s.

    cyniclite’s last blog post..Noise laws should start at 7:30pm.

  44. Holy crap. You have readers (Comment 94) including references now. Kind of makes the grammar Nazis look like amateurs.

    Look for a comment later this week with charts and graphs and an annotated bibliography. Unless I lose interest. Which I think I already did.

  45. Just A. Reader is too cynical. And also missed the many links to national Bigfoot organizations I have provided in previous comments, which obviously set the precedent for well-researched responses containing authoritative references.

    And now, having spent approximately 5 minutes trying to figure out how to word that observation so as to sound witty and not snarky, I have completely forgotten what I was originally going to write here when I popped over from my Google reader to leave a comment.

    Which just goes to prove that The Bloggess’s readers are not THAT smart after all.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Hair-(fund)Raising: The Best Contest Ever!

  46. Sort of reminds me of a recent conversation I had with husband Danger Dad about wanting a “signature dish” so that I’m-kinda-afraid-to-admit-I-find-somewhat-cute Bobby Flay would appear on my suburban doorstep and challenge me to a “THROWDOWN!” and then I would act all coy and sheepish and then summarily kick his culinary ass with my hardcore, rad-as-all-get-out Pecan Sandies or whatever my signature dish turns out to be. DD finds it hilarious that I want a signature dish and maintains that I do not need one. Killjoy. Off to work on my Sandies…

    Moxie Mommy’s last blog post..I’m sick of tired

  47. OMG, you had me lauging out loud here in the office, good one…

    “Me: Oh I will look it up. I’ll look it up in “The Dictionary Of Shit That Doesn’t Exist”.

    Entirely too funny!! Thanks for the laugh, I totally needed that today like you wouldn’t believe!

  48. This post gave me so many options for the after not life. Option A) Reanimation, Option B) Resurrection, c) Vampire crazy shit thingy…Okay…my heads spinning I need to think about this more. But thanks for letting me know I now have options 🙂

    Jenn’s last blog post..The Blogroll

  49. Oh, my heck. This was hilarious. I have Alice over at Honey Child to thank for steering me here.

    What is it with zombies all of the sudden? I just watched “Diary of the Dead,” ordered a “Zombie Shelter” sign, and now this.

    I would love to argue about reanimation vs. resurrection.

    JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Wordle so you don’t have to

  50. Well if you wanted to throw another monkey wrench into the fray you could have pointed out that “actual zombies” are people who actually haven’t died, but under some neurotoxin that buries their personality while keeping basic functions working.

    Jason’s last blog post..Same Story, Different Details

  51. My rather innocent 8 year old asked me (out-of-the blue)…

    If Jesus rose from the dead, does that make him a zombie?

    What I wanted to do was pull over and laugh hysterically, but I really had somewhere to be. So instead, I replied,
    “yes, dear”.

    and that seemed to satisfy him.

    mtnhighmama’s last blog post..i feel better

  52. Just so you know how much of a freaking loser I am, I happen to know that according to season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, zombies don’t crave brains unless their controller (the person who zombi-fied them) makes them. So technically, you are right! 🙂

  53. thank you for clearing this up. i have had a debate for the last 6 months on why jesus is a zobie. i did not understand until now the difference between resurection and reanimation. although, now i think jesus may be kin to the vampire. he did say drink my blood and eat my body in the last supper… think about it

  54. Well it could be said that vampires come back with a glorified body. What they don’t come back with, however, is a soul (oh, shut up all you Edward-worshippers) which is kind of crucial to resurrection, no?

    chosha’s last blog post..sinking in an ocean of stuff

  55. Ohh Ohh , you got me excited! Where can I find this magical elusive “Dictionary Of Sh*t That Doesn’t Exist” ?
    I have been in search of this book for eons, i need to get the no BS, down low truth on zombies, Vampires and Bigfoot … or Bigfeet as they might like to be called.
    By the way, I think “Resurrection Cemetery” would make an awesome name for a cheap campy gore flick!
    The Bloggess Rocks!
    P.s. Regarding “all of that is true except for the one-million-dollars-and-the-T-Rex-mask thing, which is fine because I already have a T-Rex mask”

    … Will we ever get to see you wearing it 🙂

  56. Holy shit, I’m sending this link to my husband. He loves to talk about how Jesus is a 2000-year-old zombie. He’ll love this post.

  57. I want to know where Dr. Who fits into the general levels of coming back to life. Also.. reincarnation seems like a slow but good way to do immortality. Going through puberty repeatedly could be a problem however.

  58. They are no longer terrified of the living dead as much as they are hopelessly
    annoyed by them. I don’t know if this is because the scope he is shooting in is
    much bigger than on his previous living dead movies, but it looks more
    like it cost at least $20 million to make. However, it still takes
    these characters way too long to figure out that
    the best way to defeat a zombie is to shoot it in the
    head.

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