UPDATED: Well that's…not flattering

Am I the only person who thinks Dooce is an imaginary creature?  Like, I know she’s real, but in my head she’s real the same way that Jesus is real.  Like he used to be a real-live person but now he’s like Santa Clause…everywhere at once but not actually anywhere you can find on google maps.  To me, Dooce is like a little hobbit.  Awesome but mythical. So basically a mythical hobbit is going to be at Blogher.  I’m going to San Francisco to see a mythical hobbit.  This is weird.  And is totally something I’m going to say to her if I happen to meet her.  It will be ugly. 

I bought this new dress for blogher.  I can’t decide if it’s so ugly it’s cute or if it’s just regular ugly.  I’d show you a picture but I don’t want to ruin the surprise of ugliness.  Maybe the shock will be so great that people will just assume I’m ultra-hip and cutting edge.  Unless they also went to Ross-Dress-4-Less recently.  Then I’m fucked.

Speaking of fucked, I got selected to read some of my work at the Blogher keynote address which is a tremendous honor and just a…horrible, horrible idea.  I love Blogher but this is the same organization that felt it needed to drop the “Jesus” from my “Thanks for the zombies, Jesus” post, and yet, in a matter of days they will be give me a microphone and a stage.  It’s like they’re daring me to say the c word. 

It’s a dare they are going to lose.

 

If you hear weird shit about me being fat and drunk at BlogHer or see pictures of me passed out in my own vomit just know that those are lies spread by my enemies, unless they are saying that I got handcuffed and hauled off by the cops for screaming the c word onstage because I’m fairly sure that shit is going to happen.

PS.  Did you know you can go on the heritage website and they’ll morph you into whatever celeb you most resemble?  Apparently I resemble Lucille Ball by 67%.  Very flattering.

[protected-iframe id=”9598f1261ff550e13b1ba2704c9f25e9-58006636-3982706″ info=”http://www.myheritagefiles.com/video/L/28/zg1m64_056707a604a784vcpybg64″ width=”340″ height=”340″]

 

And, apparently, Pete Dogherty coming off a heroin binge by only one percent less.

[protected-iframe id=”93758f04dddc8bc0f722ca241375878a-58006636-3982706″ info=”http://www.myheritagefiles.com/video/L/28/labc51_0581879ce3a7849urc9a51″ width=”340″ height=”340″]

Not. quite. as flattering.

 PPS.  We’re trying for a live broadcast hosted by Gwen Bell and Kirtsy at The People’s Party so if you can’t make it to Blogher and you haven’t already stopped reading this post you can make it to the party in spirit.  If we can get it together I’ll post the link here.  Most likely it’ll be grainy video of me and a three other chicks crying and drinking Jack Daniels on the floor after our sound system breaks and we accidentally set a fire to the room.   (The link will go here if we ever figure it out.)

Updated:  Okay, we have a link to watch the party!  Unless something goes horribly wrong and we end up with the black screen of the holocaust and then you can just pretend that it’s just really, really dark and quiet at our party. 

Updated again (Sunday after blogher): The link to the party got fucked, I hid in the bathroom for 4 hours during the party having panic attacks, at the community keynote I said the c-word 3 times and almost pulled the stage curtain down on me because I was drunk, and apparently Dooce has a thing against hobbits.

(Long-ass) Comment of the day:  Every time I see “Blogher” in print I am transported back to the 12th century to a scene that in my head goes something like this:

Ten days into their crusade, an Archbishop and his minions approach a woman on the street.

“Do you know the Lord Jesus as your savior?” asks the Archbishop.

“Zombie Jesus?”

“No, the regular one.”

“Um, not so much…”

The Archbishop turns to his minions and commands, “Blog her!”

The minion holding the cat-o-nine-tails finally speaks up.

‘”Excuse me, your Lordship…”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you mean ‘flog’ her? All this time you’ve been saying ‘blog her’ and ‘blog him’ and I don’t think that’s correct.”

“You question my grasp of the King’s English? Tell me your name, young man.”

“Buck Hugh.”

“What?”

“Buck Hugh, your Lordship.”

“Insolent Bool! Blog him too!”

I’m pretty sure that happened, but I couldn’t find it recorded anywhere on Wikipedia, so I might be wrong.

~ I can’t read my nametag

110 thoughts on “UPDATED: Well that's…not flattering

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  1. You know I’ll be at the party, holding you up and refusing to let you touch that vomit. Way too hot for that.

    And I’ll throw some ‘bows at the pigs trying to take you down for your usage of free speech. Fight the Power!!

    Dooce is a hobbit. LOL. I’ll be Gollum, chasing her sneakily around the Westin until I’ve ballsed up enough to go steal her sock.

    Maria’s last blog post..My Unwonted Crushes

  2. Strange; I am not going to BlogHer, and I am not jealous but excited because folks like you are letting us non-attendees be part of the action a little.

    I think it is neat. Simple thought, but true.

    blogversary’s last blog post..first food (carrots)

  3. I regularly walk the line between “so trendy it’s tacky” (my sisters graciously tell me ALL the damn time) with my fashion, my nails and my hair color, so I’m happy to pass judgment on your dress.

    Problem is, my opinion isn’t worth shit, but at least you and I will agree.

    anneglamore’s last blog post..Card Sharks & Bats

  4. It sounds like this weekend is going to be a blast. If I can sustain this whole blog thing for another year I’ll totally try to hike it out there in ’09. With my kids? Who knows. As long as someone can drug me through the flight I’m sure it’ll be fine.

    Have fun!!!

    Maria’s last blog post..I like fireworks.

  5. LOL … I have to meet you girl!
    (Heck, I’ll even hold your hair back for you as you vomit on that grainy video stream)

  6. I’m thinking we should just bring a splat mat with us so you don’t lose any of the Jack in the carpet.

    Can’t wait to see you at the parties. Honestly, just knowing there is a woman as demented as me in the same room will be a relief (though let’s face it, I’m way weirder in my own head).

    MammaLoves’s last blog post..If They’re Broke, You Can’t Fix Them

  7. The last time I tried one of these, it said I looked like Chairman Mao. And I am neither Asian nor male, though I do squinch my eyes when I smile for pictures. I think those things are racist.

    wendy’s last blog post..My Folia

  8. Imagine my surprise when I was morphed into John Cusack. I’ve always had a huge crush on him, but now it just got a little…weird.

    Dooce a mythical hobbit? Frodooce?

  9. Every time I see “Blogher” in print I am transported back to the 12th century to a scene that in my head goes something like this:

    Ten days into their crusade, an Archbishop and his minions approach a woman on the street.

    “Do you know the Lord Jesus as your savior?” asks the Archbishop.

    “Zombie Jesus?”

    “No, the regular one.”

    “Um, not so much…”

    The Archbishop turns to his minions and commands, “Blog her!”

    The minion holding the cat-o-nine-tails finally speaks up.

    ‘”Excuse me, your Lordship…”

    “Yes?”

    “Don’t you mean ‘flog’ her? All this time you’ve been saying ‘blog her’ and ‘blog him’ and I don’t think that’s correct.”

    “You question my grasp of the King’s English? Tell me your name, young man.”

    “Buck Hugh.”

    “What?”

    “Buck Hugh, your Lordship.”

    “Insolent Bool! Blog him too!”

    I’m pretty sure that happened, but I couldn’t find it recorded anywhere on Wikipedia, so I might be wrong.

  10. can you do a drunk BlogHer recreation of antonio bandares “room” in four rooms? I thought I was going to be all newborning it up so I passed on blogher, little did i know he’d end up being about 2 months old- totally tote able. D’oh!

    fidget’s last blog post..Chore Boy

  11. Is it that dress that gives you good cleavage? Cause if it is, it doesn’t matter if it’s ugly or not. Plus it made that toddler practically become your stalker. He would have said “Hubba Hubba” if only he could talk.

  12. I think the Jesus part is assumed so they left it out so everything would fit on the same line. Kinda like Thanks for the Crescent Rolls, Pillsbury Dough Boy or Thanks for the Obsessive Convulsive Disorder, Mom.

    I morphed into Angelina Jolie, which fucking sucked because I spent all night trying to morph J into Brad Pitt, which only worked when we were having sex and I closed my eyes and didn’t touch his love handles.

    mymilabean’s last blog post..(Jim) Beam me up, Scotty

  13. Alright, my matches weren’t really good for my fragile little ego. Especially when I clicked next a couple of times and got Rutger fucking Hauer. 59%. Hello depression hotline?

    Cara’s last blog post..Hours Days Months Years

  14. I have to question the celebrity looker aliker. It thinks I look like Florence Henderson. The Brady Bunch mom. Coming off a heroin binge.

  15. reading at the keynote at Blogher? What the shit? I have met you in real life, traded emails with you. It’s like I know someone who is famous.

    How the hell did THAT happen? I have never known anyone famous.

    Margaret’s last blog post..Still Kinda On A Break

  16. I’ll know you by your hairy feet.

    She doesn’t have hairy feet. Her “tiny Sasquatch” is out of control.

  17. You are totally baiting me right? Like you WANT me to say something about the Santa ‘Clause’ reference so you don’t have to take me to BlogHer with you right? I will not. I will not. I will not say anything…

    Just make sure you laminate that pic of me biatch cause I don’t want no vomit on my face while you are part-ay-ing with me.

    Oh and that dress? You can totally make it cuter than Dooce by adding a couple of pasties with my face on them. While you are reading your post to the hordes. I call them deflectaboobies. You can say anything while flashing those puppies.

    Kelley’s last blog post..10 years ago, 10 years from now.

  18. she who must not be named is more like one of the elves than the hobbits. in that she is so very tall.

    and the vomiting? don’t worry; i suggest you print out a life sized pic of kelley’s face and then we will all know who is REALLY passed out in your vomit.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..The Hardest Question to Answer

  19. So I wasn’t disappointed enough at missing Blogher (again) but now I will miss a real live fight for the right of free speech at the keynote? sigh.

  20. Knowing you’ll be on that stage, and the big bad BlogHer shepherd’s hook will be waiting in the wings to snare you and pull you off is almost enough to make me run out right now and buy an overpriced plane ticket just so I can see it for myself. If only I didn’t have to teach a class for the next three days…

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Oh, the Weather Outside is (Fr/Del)ightful

  21. You make such a lovely Lucille Ball!

    I’m with you! How interesting that blogher would delete the word “Jesus,” but would invite you to speak. That’s going to be so much fun! I can’t wait to hear if you find any origami men in the restroom.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Updated Badge & Crazy Nightmare

  22. And here I thought you were going to be in the bathroom. I mean, not passed out in your own vomit. You said you would be in the bathroom with all the people who are freaked out over the other people.

    Ah well, I would like to hear you read. And see if you say that word. You know you make me laugh until snot runs out of my nose, right? The zombies thing was great.

    T.

    TLC@SendChocolate’s last blog post..SOMEONE Is Messing With My Son, And There She Is!

  23. Jesus, I hate that I’m going to miss you throwing out the “c” word (it’s not cirCUMspect?)to the Blogher crowd! Will anyone know to hold up their lighter for you while you’re on stage? Will someone please remember to take the picture of Dooce’s face when you explain the hobbit theory to her? These are historical moments, and I’m going to miss them, dammit!

    PS – give my best to the girls in the “terlet”.

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..A Week at the Beach

  24. I love you people…so, so much.

    I’m getting on the plane for San Francisco in a few hours. Panic sticken, sick, but feeling so much better after reading these comments.

    Maybe it’s just the xanax talking but honestly? You guys have changed my life in a really profound way. And for the first time ever I actually don’t feel like a total misfit. I feel like the Treasurer of the Misfits. Which is a bad role for me because I’m going to spend all our money on booze.

  25. Hi Jenny, I’m a headline editor with BlogHerAds, and I sent you an email about the Jesus thing. Just wanted to make sure it didn’t go into your spam filter.

  26. I’d give my left tit to be there and meet you Jenny – you just simply R.O.C.K. (ROCK in the USA!) I can’t believe you don’t know how cool you are! 🙂

  27. Heritage says I look like Johnny Depp.

    I know you want to kiss me now.

    It also says that I look like Dooce if I put a cupcake on my dog’s head.

    Have fun at BlogHer. I’ll be at Black Hockey Jesus blog on Sunday morning with a Very Special Message for everyone at BlogHer. Get up early and take your Alka-Seltzer.

  28. Jenny, you can stand there in your fabulous Endora coat and call me a hobbit all day long. Some of us realize that hobbits are magic. So glad you stood up for yourself.

    Also, you said the C word five times. Just sayin’.

    heather spohr’s last blog post..Stow Away

  29. I was there and you were awesome. The green coat was awesome too. You were totally right, too – I didn’t think this post was insulting at all – you were saying that she’s so big and awesome that you wonder if she’s real. Good for you for grabbing the mic and setting it straight.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..The Weird Chick with the Floating-Eyes-Coffee-Cup

  30. I’d be honored for you to call me a hobbit. Just so you know. They *are* awesome. And of course, so are you, but you don’t need me to tell you that.

    Loved meeting you in all your emerald coated goodness.

    Steph

    Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..Golden

  31. The stories are starting to trickle in for those of us who aren’t part of the inner circle. So, was this dooche person actually rude to our beloved Bloggess? Are we going to have to teach her a lesson? Hmmm?

  32. I am pretty sure that heather is not a hobbit. Hobbits are kind and cute and eat a lot. I think she must be either a hobbit that just escaped from prison or one of those irish banshees. tall and screamy

  33. I expected this post to be so mean and offensive. So offensive that Dooce, the woman who receives terrible emails and death threats, deemed it unforgivable.

    Instead it is a sweet little cuddly post.

  34. Evidently Dooce got her mythical creatures mixed up. You called her a hobbit, not a troll. BTW, enjoyed visiting you at your “private party” in the pisser Thursday night.

    Fame should bring grace, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with Dooce. I am sorry you bore the brunt of her unprofessional behavior.

    califmom’s last blog post..How Do You Sleep?

  35. I came here to see the comment straight from the horses, erm…fingers. And no, I’m not calling you a horse, but I’m sure you get that.

    I wasn’t at Blogher but I’ve heard allll about “the incident”. I don’t think Dooce actually read this post. I think she heard “through the grapevine” that you called her a hobbit. There is absolutely NOTHING offensive about what you said here and knowing that she got so personal about it makes me lose respect for her.

    Of course, I guess I’m hearing this all “through the grapevine” too and never really saw what Dooce said about it. Still, this was not offensive in the least.

  36. I can’t believe this is the post that caused such a fuss. The way it was introduced she made it sound like you mentioned her daughter in an insulting way.

    The worst part of the whole thing? You were one of the people I really wanted to meet at BlogHer and the only time I got to see your sweet face was when you were standing up talking to Dooce!! GAH!!!

    Next year if I don’t meet you – THEN it will get ugly.

    Maybe she’s just jealous because some people love you and don’t even read her blog at all? I’m just sayin’.

    holli’s last blog post..I’m lagging.

  37. I see absolutely nothing wrong with your post. I guess consider it a compliment that she even cared, because we know how much she already has to worry about!

  38. I came here by way of other blogs, and you’ve made a convert out of me. Yours is the sparkliest, most original blog I have read in years and if Jesus isn’t offended by the stuff you’ve written about him, then I don’t see why dooce should be.

    Agent of Distraction’s last blog post..creepy crawly

  39. Love this blog! Love how you handled Dooce. I had never even heard of her until this Blogher “episode” started appearing on blogs everywhere. Good for you. She takes herself WAY WAY WAY too seriously!

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